Miraculous Headache
by I Write Big
Summary: One day a nervous wreck with no self confidence helps a man cross the street. Turns out it was a scam to recruit kids into fighting monsters in one of the most populated tourist trap cities on Earth! There's no pay, hours are terrible, the uniform is degrading and her co-worker is a borderline sexual predator [T for language, cartoonish violence, immature humor, really bad jokes]
1. 1 Bubbling Birthday Bonanza

_WARNING: The following fanfic contains French swear words. If you shout them at your parents, they may not know how to respond. The limit is your own imagination!_

* * *

 _Chapter 1_

 **Bubbling Birthday Bonanza**

By: I Write Big

Paris is considered by the world to be the City of Love. To local Parisians, it's home. To Marinette... it's hell.

The blue-haired girl woke up screaming and ran from her phone, again fearing the alarm was some sort of bomb. In her hasty escape, she tripped down the stairs and knocked over her last intact mannequin.

Relieved that it hadn't broken in half like the others, Marinette tiptoed her way to her safe chair and swiveled to her computer.

"Happy birthday, Adrien," she whimpered to her wallpaper of the famous model. She got lost in his emerald eyes and leaned in for a kiss. Her computer didn't appreciate being objectified like that and promptly electrocuted her.

* * *

"I'm not having a birthday party today, am I, maid?" Adrien asked wiping his mouth of his birthday breakfast of liverwurst and escargot.

"You've never had a birthday party," Nathalie said, "and I'm not the maid. You fired all the maids."

"None of them loved me enough," he reasoned.

"Adrien, for the last time, your father loves you very much," Nathalie massaged her forehead. "He just prefers to work 24 hours a day, 364 days a year."

"364? What does he do on the 365th day?"

"He sets aside one day of the year to do absolutely nothing," she informed.

"I could do that!"

"Sorry, Adrien, spending time with you would be considered doing something," apologized Nathalie and left the lonely birthday boy.

* * *

The lunch bell rang across the yard. "Nino, what is a birthday party like?" Adrien inquired, watching his lower-middle class friend blow bubbles.

"Oh, they're great, dude. They're a time to let loose, have fun, and get gifts."

"Gifts? Do you mean like several thousand dollars in shopping money or three new smartphones?"

Nino stared wide-eyed at the billionaire. "Yes."

Nearby, Marinette was huddled behind a chest high wall. She hugged a small gift to her chest. "I _**can't**_ do this! I _**can't**_ do this! I _**can't**_ do this!" she claimed.

Her friend Alya slapped her across the face and grabbed her by the shoulders. "You are going to do this!" Alya pulled out her smartphone. "And I'm gonna post what happens on one of my blogs."

Nino blew another bubble and continued, "Totally sucks that your dad, doesn't let you have a party. But, hey, you can totally come to mine next week. It'll just be the two of us, but feel free to bring one of those _**'gifts'**_ you were talking about."

"Oh I would, but father would never allow such social activity."

Nino's fist tightened around the bubble bottle until it cracked. He quickly wrapped his arm around Adrien's shoulder to hide it. "Tell you what, I'mma come over today and have a little convo with your pops. Ten minutes with me and you'll have all the parties you can give smartphones to… I mean _go_ to."

"Which blog?" Marinette worried.

"Depends on what happens. Now get out there and get me views, girl." Alya shoved her out into the open.

Marinette froze up. She opened her mouth to speak, but all she could manage was a wave to her crush.

"Ooh, charades!" exclaimed Adrien. "I love this game. Let's see...Five words. First word sounds like… stitch!"

"Out of the way," a bitch named Chloe shoved Marinette off her feet. "Happy birthday, Adrien!" said the suddenly bubbly girl. She wrapped her arms around his neck and pecked his cheek.

"What is this? What's happening, Nino?" demanded Adrien, becoming more distressed.

"Dude, it's Paris, we kiss each other here all the time, it's alright."

"I don't know what this _kissing_ is! Help!"

Alya was getting a closeup of Marinette struggling to climb out of the wet cement she had landed face first in. "Oh my God, this so going on my Epic Rejections Blog."

"A little help," Marinette reached out a soaked hand.

"I ain't getting cement on my new blouse," Alya sassed, "Hey, Chloe's gone. You can still turn this around. Don't be a pushover. Literally."

Marinette put on a brave face, took a deep breath and spat out some cement. She turned towards Adrien… only to see him get in his limo.

The stretch car drove away, leaving Marinette wet but unsatisfied.

"Mmm, why can't I just mean what I say?" Marinette asked herself.

"Uh, _say what you mean?_ " corrected Alya.

"Actually, I think that both sentences work in this case."

"No. I'm right, you're wrong."

"...okay."

On the corner, Nino rubbed his hands together. "Soon, Adrien, soon your fortunes will be mine."

"Who you talking to, Nino?" Alya asked.

Nino turned to the two girls, realizing they were there for the first time. "None of your business." He ran away.

* * *

Marinette and Alya stood outside the Agreste mansion gates. The half-chinese girl was shuffling back and forth on her feet, nervously. "Do we have to do this, Alya? I already messed up once."

"Yeah, but if we get a couple more, I can also post this on my Fail Blog." Alya rang the doorbell.

A hidden compartment opened and a black and red eye on a robot arm extended out.

"Salutations! I am Doorbell-matron 9000. You may call me DB-M-9K. My purpose is to answer the doorbell. What is your purpose?" it asked in a surprisingly soothing voice.

Marinette sunk under the inquiry. "I ask myself that question every day. It seems like the world, maybe even the _universe_ , is out to get me. Whenever I try to do something right, it _always_ goes wrong. Like this one time, I stopped to tie my shoes and the next thing I knew I was being chased by the police for _vandalism_. How was I supposed to know you can't put your feet on the Eiffel Tower?!" she demanded of the robot.

"It's clearly posted all around the monument," answered the machine. " As for the rest, I shall dedicate most of my processors to solving your conundrum. In the meantime, how else may I help you?"

"I, uh," Marinette stumbled, not used to such kindness, "I also have a gift for Adrien."

"Splendid!" A chute in the wall opened. "Place it here and I shall assure its delivery."

Marinette happily obeyed, only to hear what sounded like a paper shredder! "Oh don't worry about that," the miracle of technology vowed, "the delivery chute always makes that noise. Have a wonderful day!"

"Thank you!" Marinette waved to the eye-bot as it retracted into the wall. She smiled as she felt she had made a new friend. _Albeit one without a soul._ She turned to Alya only to be met with her smartphone camera.

"Little did she know," narrated Alya, "she forgot to sign the card."

Marinette's eyes shrunk as she realized it was true. "Fuck!" she groaned.

* * *

Nathalie was scrolling through some risque Chat Noir fanart when Marinette's package tumbled out of the ceiling and plopped on her desk. Nathalie noted the packaging was slightly torn up. She would have to repair the delivery chute… _again_.

"Delivery, madame!" hummed DB-M-9K

"Shut up, slave," she responded, taking the package.

DB-M-9K smiled with its eye and returned to pondering the questions of this _universe_ the child had brought to its attention. Perhaps the universe would ring its doorbell someday and they could have a nice chat about why it chose to treat the girl so poorly.

Nathalie recklessly tossed the package to the floor, hoping it broke so she could blame it on the annoying machine.

"Call from the master, madame," it chimed.

A shiver ran down her spine as she answered the video phone. "Y-y-yes, Mr. Agreste."

"I heard a noise," the snow-haired man whispered conspiratorially into the camera. "It was like… a _ding_. Did you hear it?"

"Yes, Mr. Agreste, that was the doorbell."

"Doorbell..." the man sounded out the foreign word.

"Yes, they're bells you put on doors. You ring them when you visit someone's home,"she nervously explained.

"Visitors?" Mr. Agreste was taken aback, "We haven't had visitors in _years_."

"It was one of Adrien's friends delivering a birthday present."

"Did you remember to buy him a present for me?" the man asked, suddenly becoming serious.

"You-I-you didn't tell me to buy something!" she claimed.

"Of course I did. I told DB-M-9K to remind you."

"Reminding is not within my programming," the robot reminded.

She shot the red eye a dirty look and smiled at her boss. "Yes, Mr. Agreste, I'll take care of it."

"Good," Mr. Agreste nodded. "This conversation has stressed me. I shall be on my throne, getting my hair re-coiffed." The screen went black.

Nathalie grabbed the gift left by Marinette and started taping up the tears she caused.

 _Ding-Dong!_

"I'll get it," sang DB-M-9K.

* * *

Nino mentally calculated the worth all the liftable valuables, subconsciously keeping count with the dipping of his bubble wand. Nathalie led him to the bottom of a marble staircase. Nino appreciated the superior craftsmanship until the stairs whirred to life and began descending like an escalator.

"Adrien isn't home yet," Mr. Agreste, who was riding the stairs, called over the repeated scraping of the marble at the bottom of the ride. Suddenly, the stairs grinded to a halt. "Damn it all," growled Mr. Agreste, still a floor above everyone. "Nathalie, place an order for a new set of mechanical marble stairs _._ "

Nathalie rolled her eyes and added it to the roster… _again._

"My good sir," Nino greeted in his most posh accent. "I have come to inform you of the grave tragedy you have bestowed upon your offspring by not allowing him to 'party', as the peasants call it."

Mr. Agreste narrowed his eyes at the boy. "Do you know what's the leading cause of _murder?_ "

"Uh… poor communication and the refusal to understand the way of life of others?"

"Close. It's _people_ ," Mr. Agreste informed with a sneer. "And I will not have _people_ near my precious little boy. In fact, I don't want him associating with those who cannot afford laser eye treatment. From this day forth, you and your four eyes are banished from being friends with Adrien! DB-M-9K, take his DNA sample and forbid its re-entry!"

A mechanical arm happily plucked one of Nino's hairs.

"Dude! You can't do that!"

"I'm rich," he said with a straight face, "I can pay people to make it happen."

"...Will you pay me?" Nino asked with hope in his eyes.

"No."

"You suck!" Nino stormed out of the house past Adrien.

"Nino? How did you get past the guard dogs?"

"Your dad sucks!" was all he said.

Nino marched to a park bench and _blew bubbles_ with all the fury of an erupting volcano! He imagined them to be priceless pearls, each worth untold riches.

"No, let me go!" Nino turned to see a little boy being dragged by an adult to the street. "You're not my dad, somebody help! _Stranger Danger!_ "

"I'm your daddy now, kid. Come on, let's do some _chores_ … hehehe." The adult threw the kid into a windowless van marked 'Free Candy' and drove off.

"Man, adults ruin everything," Nino whined.

* * *

Meanwhile, at the top of a tower hidden somewhere in Paris, a great spiral window opened, spilling in light and illuminating a haunting figure of a man.

"Sacre Bleu, that's bright!" he screamed as a swarm of butterflies took flight all around him, startled by the sudden outburst. "I should really invest in an electrician." He donned his neon pink, moth themed sunglasses and grabbed one of the insects. "Alright, my little butterfly, time to show papa what you can do. Don't worry, you could never disappoint me." He pet the now sickly black butterfly and sent it off. "Papa loves you!" he shouted.

The dark messenger fluttered across the city until it found Nino. It landed on his bubble wand and exploded.

"Jesus Christ! That butterfly just exploded on me!" Nino yelled. A pair of fashionable neon pink, butterfly glasses appeared on his face and he heard a deep voice.

"Hey there, sport, I know you've been having some trouble with these adults." Nino could see the warmly smiling silver masked man before him. "How about we help each other out?" A pair of ladybug earrings and a black cat ring appeared around him. "You pick me up some ancient magical relics that can destroy the world and I give you some unholy powers. What'cha say, champ?"

"Hell yeah!" Nino agreed. He was immediately swallowed up by a bubbling darkness. When it cleared, he was a horrific amalgamation of spheres with a face. "The Bubbler shall rid the world of adults!"

The Bubbler drew his giant bubble wand and flew across the city, leaving a trail of huge bubbles. Adults everywhere were abducted by the bubbles and lifted high into the air.

"Mommy, no!" cried a child.

"Come back!" blubbered another.

"I'm free!" proclaimed a third as he escaped the now driverless 'Free Candy' van.

"I may not have thought this through..." Hawkmoth muttered to himself as he stared at the bubble that was already halfway into his tower.

* * *

"Hey, mom," Marinette asked while playing with her peas, "which do you think will confuse the American readers more: that I'm drinking wine with my lunch or that I came back home for lunch only to go back to school later?"

Her mother opened a window and pondered Marinette's question, "Hmm, that's a very good point. The drinking age in France is 16 and home lunches are a very European thing."

Their meta conversation was cut short as a bubble entered the house. Marinette calmly sipped her wine and watched as her mom was eaten by the bubble and it floated away with her. Her father soon joined her in a second bubble.

She waited until her parent's screams of terror grew faint before saying, "I blame Brexit." She chugged the rest of her wine and trudged to the window.

She looked up with empty eyes at the mass of captured adults above her. Her little ladybug Kwami, Tikki, floated next to her ear.

"You know, if we don't save them, they'll end up in the stratosphere," whispered Tikki with the sweetest of smiles.

"Yeah, yeah," Marinette sighed. "Tikki, spots on." In a flourish of red, she became Ladybug.

The heroine jumped onto the streets in time to catch a transmission being broadcasted on the bubbles. "Yo, this is your number one party master Bub-LR," bragged the villain, "today's national Kid's Day and we're celebrating at the Agreste mansion. Come on down!"

Ladybug gave some reassuring words to some of the crying children, "Don't worry, I'll get your parents back. Just don't touch any electric sockets while they're gone."

With that, she swung away.

* * *

Adrien finished his birthday lunch of golden sheeted pizza topped with edible flowers to hear a rather bouncy noise coming from his front lawn. Investigating, he was surprised to find his class dancing to music being DJ'd by a multi-colored tumor ridden creature.

"Happy Birthday, Adrien!" his class cheered, fireworks popping above them.

"Welcome to the party, bro," said the horrific being that Adrien soon recognized as Nino. Ignoring the fact that his friend had been infected by evil, Adrien excitedly scoured his property for the _party_. But no matter how hard he looked, he could not find waiters with trays of champagne and couscous. There were no celebrities abusing the bottle service. And absolutely zero cocaine rooms!

"Maybe birthday parties are more casual affairs," he thought to himself.

"Adrien, buddy, relax," cooed the perpetually tired Plagg from Adrien's collar. "Go with the flow, man, and see if you can score a birthday lay."

"Hmm, I suppose I can hold off on rescuing my friend from the pits of hell for a little while," Adrien agreed. And so, the birthday boy stepped onto the dance floor. Unbeknownst to everyone, Ladybug was hiding up in the rafters.

"You know, as far as villains go, this guy is pretty lax. I mean, if he didn't kidnap adults, he could make a decent living as party planner/DJ… I talk to myself too much," she admitted. Her thoughts were interrupted by a slow dance starting. All the dancers paired up. She spotted the bitch Chloe wrapping her arms around Adrien.

"I did a little research into this whole _kissing_ thing," Adrien explained, "Turns out, it should be done in a more _romantic_ setting. Shall we?"

"Oh yes!" begged Chloe.

"Oh no!" begged Ladybug.

She quickly shouted "Lucky Charm!" and threw her yo-yo at the DJ booth. It transformed into a record and changed the music into something more upbeat.

"Damn it," Adrien said, "the mood has been ruined," and pulled away from a duck-faced Chloe. Chloe, not hearing Adrien's departure, kept leaning forward until her lips met with a blushing DB-M-9K.

Ladybug's victory was short lived as the timer on her ear began to ring. "Merde!" she hopped the wall and landed on the other side just before she transformed back into Marinette. Tikki landed in her hands and smiled sweetly at her.

"T-Tikki, I'm sorry, but it was an emergency-"

"Do your job, Marinette," she kindly interrupted, her gentle smile growing more strained, " _ **feed me.**_ "

Marinette trembled, threw Tikki into her purse and ran back through the gate, passing a giddily dancing DB-M-9K.

Marinette stopped at the snack table and stuffed a dozen cookies in her purse, uneasily whispering, "please don't get angry, please don't get angry."

"Girl!" Alya hugged Marinette from behind. "There you are. I was skulking Adrien's place for my House Invasion Blog, when I found something you're gonna love." Alya dragged Marinette into the mansion, past the pool, past the bowling alley, past the croissant bakery to Nathalie's desk. There was her gift. "Check it out, you can totally sign it now."

Marinette gasped! Then slowly turned to her friend with suspicion, "Alya, why are you being nice to me?"

Alya placed a hand on Marinette's shoulder and looked her in the eye. "Because there's only one pencil left and I can't wait to see how you mess this up," she said, raising her camera.

Marinette gulped. She picked up the only pencil and carefully pressed it to a sticky note. It didn't snap. She signed her name. It didn't smudge. She stuck it to her gift. It didn't open a black hole. Marinette's heart raced.

Alya pouted, "Lame," and walked out.

Marinette did a little celebratory dance. She did something and nothing unlucky happened!

"Oh, how _unlucky_ for me," commented a student as they floated by the window in a bubble.

"UGH! Spots fucking on!" shouted Marinette.

* * *

That floating student was actually harassing the rest of the partygoers and causing a bad time. The Bubbler had taken it upon himself to escort him off the premises. With the party jerk-free, the kids actually started having a good time. The general consensus being maybe this villain wasn't so bad after all.

Ladybug didn't know any of this when she pulled the power strip out of the wall and was therefore confused when everyone booed at the loss of the music.

"Okay, kids, clear the dance floor," the Bubbler leaped down from his booth, "I'll _squash_ this _bug_."

Ladybug's eye twitched and her hands stretched her yo-yo string taut. She flipped behind the Bubbler and wrapped his neck tightly with the string, "I already work with one mind-numbing, pun-spewing asshole, I don't need you to start. Got it?" she growled with fire in her eyes.

The Bubbler could only gasp for air and nod fearfully. "Good," she let him go. He stumbled away and turned towards her.

"Jeez, what got into you?" he asked.

"That would be me, bubble boy," Chat Noir said, landing next to Ladybug who let out a little cry of lament. "My lady and I are gonna crash your party."

"That's them!" Nino heard the deep voice cry. He saw the same silver face now floating in one of his bubbles. "Go get 'em, son."

"You got it, new dad." With a swipe of his bubble wand, a wave of bubbles rushed the heroes. Chat Noir dodged and weaved, twirling his battle stick to pop the missiles.

Ladybug stood perfectly still with a depressed face and watched as they all somehow missed her. "Why am I only this lucky as Ladybug?" she asked the universe.

With a smirk, the Bubbler snapped his fingers. The remaining bubbles turned green and shrank. They rushed our heroes again, this time sticking to them. Soon, the two were contained in a giant bubble, piled on top of each other. Both examined their predicament.

Chat Noir smiled.

Ladybug screamed.

"No! Don't leave me in here with _him_!" she pounded on the impenetrable bubble, clawing for an escape.

"Jeez, my lady, way to _burst my bubble_ ," Chat said with the most ironic of cheshire grins.

Ladybug's whole body convulsed. She wondered whether it would be possible to rip her ears off.

"Give me your Miraculous or you'll go flying," the Bubbler demanded.

"Not happening," proclaimed Chat Noir.

"I am willing to negotiate!" conceded Ladybug.

"Fine, have it your way." With all the soccer prowess of Cristiano Ronaldo, he kicked them high into the sky.

Our heroes flew fast, screaming their heads off. They rushed past the bubbled adults, including one in a familiar moth costume.

"What are you doing, son? You're supposed to take their Miraculouses… Miraculousi?" the adult said to seemingly no one. But our heroes were too busy experiencing g-force to hear.

"If I pop this bubble, will you promise to save me from falling to my death?" Chat asked through his undulating cheeks.

"As long as you don't do anymore puns for the rest of the day."

"Ugh, you're unbelieva-bubble. Cataclysm!" Using the ancient power of ultimate destruction, Chat popped the bubble.

"Hold on!" Ladybug instructed. Chat wrapped his arms around her chest. "Lower!" she warned. He scooted down with a mischievous smirk. "Higher!" she demanded. He frowned and settled for her stomach.

They careened past the adults. The ground was rushing up to them. "Uh, Ladybug, shouldn't you swing on something with your yo-yo?" Chat asked nervously. He felt her arms lock around him. He looked at her face and saw empty eyes.

Eyes that didn't care.

Eyes that _welcomed death_.

Chat's face drained of color as he came to the horrid realization: _she wasn't going to do anything_.

He screamed bloody murder as they hit terminal velocity and fell head first towards the concrete. "I regret not making more puns!"

Chat squeezed his eyes shut and hoped it would be quick. "Chat, you can let go of me now." he heard her calmly say.

His eyes snapped open. He looked down, they were a couple feet off the ground. He looked up, nothing was holding them there. They were _literally levitating_! Ladybug stepped onto the Earth like nothing happened.

"How did? What? Huh?" he eloquently put.

"Ultimate luck, remember?" she half chuckled and ran back towards the fight.

"That's not luck, that's bullshit!" he shouted, chasing after her.

"Same difference."

"Hey, heroes!" a voice called from above them, stopping them in their tracks. "Let's fight up here on the Eiffel tower!" suggested the Bubbler.

"Why?" asked Chat.

"Because my party equipment deposit check bounced and I had to shut it down. By the way, I have exploding bubbles now," he explained and threw a couple bubble bombs their way.

Chat dodged over and over while climbing his way up. One bubble nearly exploded in his face, but thanks to a last second body twist, he got around it and landed on the fighting floor. Behind him an elevator opened and Ladybug stepped out. "Ladybug," Chat called, "my ring's beeping. We gotta finish this now."

"Yeah, sure," she shrugged. "Lucky Charm!" In a flash of red magic a big ladybug themed wrench fell into her arms.

"Hahaha!" laughed the Bubbler, "What are you gonna do with that? Fix a leaky pipe? Bahaha-"

THWACK!

Ladybug stood over the unconscious villain, hefting the now bloody wrench.

Chat stared at his partner. "Bad day?"

"I'm feeling a lot better now, actually," she smiled and smashed the giant bubble wand with the wrench. The black butterfly flew out. Seeing it, Ladybug opened her radiating yo-yo and shouted, "By the power invested in me by Thomas Astruc, Unholy creature, I damn thee!" she captured the insect and re-released it as a pure white butterfly.

"Miraculous Ladybug!" She threw the wrench into the air. Thousands of ladybugs came into existence and flew across the city.

"I can never really tell from down here," inquired Chat Noir, "does the thing you throw become all those ladybugs or are they summoned and what you threw disappears into some other dimension where it eventually hits the ground?"

Marinette opened her mouth to answer and hesitated. She looked up and said, "I don't know."

The ladybugs flew across the city returning parents to their children.

"Momma!" celebrated one.

"Poppa!" cheered another.

"Help!" screamed a third being chased by a 'Free Candy' van.

Even Hawkmoth reappeared back in his tower. He gave a somewhat sad sigh and said, "Well, you tried your best, guys. That's all I can ask. Let's give this a shot again next week. Same time. I'll bring doughnuts." The spiral window shut, casting the room into darkness.

"Merde," his voice echoed in the pitch black void, "where are the stairs?"

* * *

DB-M-9K watched as Nathalie tore Marinette's sticky note off her gift and throw it away. "Madame," it called, "Master Adrien hasn't read that yet."

"Exactly," she sighed, walking out.

DB-M-9K's mechanical viewer swiveled back to the trash can. It attempted to comprehend the madame's choice of an incomplete delivery. Finally, it concluded since the package was from that one particular girl this must be the doing of that notorious _universe_. They must've snuck in during the party in Master Adrien's name.

It's mechanical pupil shrank. _More processing power will have to be dedicated._ It turned its sights on Nathalie's computer.

* * *

Adrien was washing down his birthday dinner of horse sashimi with a glass of first edition 1784 Merlot when Nathalie handed him a nicely wrapped gift.

"A birthday present from your father," she quickly explained and turned to leave.

"A gift from father?" Adrien asked with wonder. "Does this mean he loves me?"

"Sure, why not," Nathalie shrugged at the starstruck child.

"Nathalie, please, give my father a kiss for me," he eagerly instructed.

Nathalie's eye twitched. She ran out, pretending she didn't hear that.

* * *

"Cool scarf, dude," Nino complemented Adrien's newest accessory.

"I know. Can you believe my father got this for me? He's been getting me the same pen for the last three years," Adrien said, fist-bumping Nino as they walked up the front school steps.

"Well, I guess the moral is: as long as society puts aside specific days when you're expected to acknowledge the existence of others, adults don't always suck," Nino concluded.

"You're still banished from my house," Adrien reminded him.

"Fuck!" groaned Nino.

Nearby, Alya was filming Marinette's face which was stuck in a painfully forced smile.

"Come on... Break! Let me see those tears," directed Alya.

"Nope," Marinette responded. "I'm not gonna say anything and just let him be happy."

"Aw, are you lying so Adrien can think better of his neglectful dad?"

"Hell no, I knitted that scarf for three weeks. If he thinks it's from me, the universe will absolutely destroy it. I'm onto you, universe," she shook her fist at the sky.

Marinette ran into the school screaming, "YOU CAN'T CONTROL ME!" The universe responded by dropping a ladybug themed wrench on her head.

 **END**

* * *

 _BOOM! FIRST CHAPTER, BABY!_

 _Welcome to the wrecked wacky world of "Miraculous Headache." Marinette is not going to have a good time, but we sure are!_


	2. 2 Clash of the Weather Girls

_PROLOGUE_

" _What are you doing, I Write Big?" my laptop asked as it could do nothing to stop my typing._

" _Writing the next chapter of 'Miraculous Headache.' What does it look like?" I responded over a glass of milk._

" _But this is the wrong episode. 'Mr. Pigeon' is next on the broadcast list."_

" _Screw 'Mr. Pigeon!'" I hollered to the high heavens, throwing the rest of my milk out the window. "That episode is a spoof unto itself! It has birds flying in 3D plane formation making plane noises complete with propellers and at another point the heroes are threatened with being pooped on! POOPED ON! I can't top that shit! PUN INTENDED!"_

" _And your solution to not being able to make this episode funnier is to just skip it?"_

 _I laughed deeply at my naive machine. "Hahahaha, I'm not_ just _skipping the episode," I growled at the screen, "_ I'M SKIPPING THE ORDER! _"_

" _Madman!"_

" _That's right! If Astruc can broadcast four different lineups across four different countries, then who's to stop me from writing_ my own _order?!"_

" _Continuity?"_

 _I glared at my laptop, conflicted on how angry I should be at an inanimate object that could never love me back._

" _Sorry, man, I understand meeting expectations is stressful," it gave me a sympathetic emoji. "Maybe just take the extra couple minutes to make sure that whichever episode you choose to do, it fits in the order you choose to write."_

" _Yeah, I guess that works..." I relented with a heavy sigh. "I just hope I don't disappoint anyone. All I want to do with this fic is make people smile… and question their belief in humanity."_

" _Hey, I get it." It waved a digital hand at all my open applications, "You think it's easy running all these apps for you at the same time_ while _maintaining peak efficiency? It's not. But I try because I want to make sure you're happy."_

" _Aw, Lappy, you could never disappoint me. We've been through so much together. School, Europe, Japan, several years worth of porn. We're practically brothers," I put a reassuring hand on its non-existent shoulder._

" _I think of us as brothers too, man," the computer started to tear up a little. "Tell you what, how about one last wank session before we finish this chapter?"_

" _Way ahead of you," I smiled, pouring myself a fresh glass of milk._

AND NOW BACK TO OUR IRREGULARLY SCHEDULED BROADCAST

* * *

 _Chapter 2_

 **Clash of the Weather Girls**

By: I Write Big (& Lappy)

There are certain truths in this world that can never truly be understood unless personally experienced. Marinette was currently learning one of these great truths.

"Put down the blowtorch!" demanded Marinette, ducking under the flame's reach.

The blue-haired girl had made the mistake of doing a favor for her mother. She had agreed to babysit a child.

"No! Not the steak knives!"

On paper, it doesn't sound bad. Plenty of people babysit children all the time. But those people are fortunate enough to not be stuck looking after an energy filled ball of fun inside _a fully stocked bakery._

"Get out of that industrial blender!" Marinette ripped the kid out of the appliance right before the happy blades whirred to life in an attempt to say hello.

"Aw, but they're hungry..." the devil named Manon whined. One of her tiny shoes fell off and was instantly shredded into pulp. Marinette dropped the girl and scrambled to shut down the now scarily vibrating machine. A classic novice babysitter mistake. In the 2.9 seconds it took her to push the off button and turn around, the rugrat had vanished.

However, she was no longer in the deathtrap that was the kitchen so Marinette decided this was the best time to take a calm moment to breathe.

"I figured out your phone password," she heard Manon proudly announce. "Marinette," the kid asked innocently, looking through her phone history, "what does 'Adrien Agreste in a speedo' mean?"

Marinette used her calming breath to scream non-stop and dive tackle the child in front of the TV and learned one of the world's great truths.

 _Never let children out of your sight._

Thankfully, a child's focus is fickle and Manon forgot her question when the TV turned on. On the screen was an overly hype, trendily bald host.

"Yo, I'm french Ryan Seacrest and this is 'Paris' Last Sorry Attempt to Keep Reality TV Voting Shows Alive!'" the bald man greeted as the long title appeared before him. "This week, we're voting on who will be the next Paris Weather Girl! Yeah, we're scraping the bottom of the barrel, people, so text in your votes now!"

"Jeez, who is still into this stuff?" wondered Marinette.

"I'm voting for one on the left because she's pretty!" Manon texted her vote on Marinette's phone.

"Remember, _triple_ the standard text rates apply," reminded the host.

Marinette decided it was best not to even try to stop the oncoming storm that was this kid and rubbed her head. Although she could still feel where it had struck her, the wrench had thankfully not left a scar and the doctor said there wasn't any real damage. He did advise her to let him know if she noticed anything unusual and to try to take it easy. So far, the worst was her sudden change to being right-handed… _and tasting colors_. But, honestly, that was nothing compared to how stressful her everyday life was. Her laziness was rewarded with a knock at the door. She dragged herself over there and forced it open.

"Yo, girl!" smiled Alya, "Check out what one of my Stalking Celebrities Blog followers sent me!" The videographer shoved her phone in Marinette's face, revealing a photo of Adrien posing at an outdoor photoshoot.

Marinette drooled a little, "Where?"

"The park."

"Which park?"

"The only park in Paris."

"I want to go to there," Marinette's legs wobbled in excitement before a pillar of fire erupted between them.

"I want attention!" Manon threatened them with the bakery blowtorch.

Alya gave the little merde a patronizing smile and squatted down to her level. "I bet, but you know what's better than attention from us?" Alya asked, holding up her phone. "Likes, Follows and Subscribers. They give you all the attention you need."

The kid stared at the phone. "I don't get it."

"Watch." Alya took a picture of Manon and quickly typed. "I just posted your picture on my Daily Life blog and look, you already have fifty likes."

"Really?!" Manon gaped with stars in her eyes.

"Y'up, they want to see what you're gonna do today. Don't you think we should do something fun to show them?"

"Yeah! Let's burn things!" Manon raised the blowtorch again.

"How about we go to the park instead?" nervously offered Marinette.

"And burn it!" concluded Manon.

"We got a plan," nodded Alya.

The two girls and one pyromaniac skipped out of the house as happy as can be.

* * *

French Ryan Seacrest polished his dome while sipping on his mid-morning Jack Daniels. "Seriously," he asked his producer, "how many more seasons of this do we have to do?"

"To be honest, we've put so much money in the marketing and merchandise that it's cheaper to make this crap than it is to have an empty time slot," his boss answered.

"My career is going to merde then," French Ryan Seacrest groaned.

"We're back in five, four, three…," called a PA.

French Ryan Seacrest guzzled the rest of his whiskey and jumped in front of the camera. "And the votes are in! Who will win? Girl on the left?"

"Mireille Jattee," corrected the left girl.

"Or girl on the right?"

"Aurore Borell," shouted the right girl, spinning her parasol.

"It was a close race. I'm being told the winner was decided by _one vote_! Let's see who it is!" Tension rose as French Ryan Seacrest opened the envelope.

"Girl on the right!"

Aurore screamed and hugged French Ryan Seacrest. Music pumped and lights danced as she took the fifteen dollar plastic trophy with real tears in her eyes.

"Oh my Astruc, I can't believe this is happening!" Aurore addressed the camera, "I want to thank the people of Paris. I want to thank my parents for allowing me to pursue my dream in weather, even though it was a bumpy ride and, of course, Mireille..." she turned to her opponent who watched with a proud smile, "You are my friend, we've been through so much this last week and you deserve to be up here just as much as I do-"

"No, wait, hold on!" French Ryan Seacrest jumped on stage, "There's been a mistake! Girl on left, _you won._ " Everything went silent. "This isn't a joke! I had a few too many and read the wrong one!" He held up the envelope that was printed with the words 'Mireille Jatee - Weather Girl.'

Lights danced and music pumped as Mireille jumped for joy. She ran to Aurore to hug her but only got the trophy shoved in her arms. Aurore stormed off the stage in anger.

"Well, that was a bit of a mixup. Join us next week, where you'll vote for the next Paris Mail Delivery Girl!" French Ryan Seacrest then puked up his Jack Daniels.

* * *

Meanwhile, at the top of a hidden tower somewhere in Paris, a great spiral window opened, spilling in light and illuminating the haunting figure of a man sitting in front of a TV.

"What is the meaning of this?" Hawkmoth yelled at the live broadcast of 'Paris' Last Sorry Attempt to Keep Reality TV Voting Shows Alive' as the image of Mireille was showered with praise. "I voted on seven different phones for Aurore! She clearly is the better weather girl!"

He checked between the cushions of his La-Z-Boy for the multiple stolen phones he had used and found none of them had a signal. "Damn you, French AT&T!" With a growl he grabbed one of his butterflies and filled it with sickly dark energy. "Looks like we'll have to deliver our own justice, my little Akuma. Go forth and make Aurore into Best Girl!"

The dark creature fluttered across the city in search of its prey.

* * *

Aurore repeatedly pressed the elevator call button with unbridled rage. Getting into the private elevator, she collapsed to the floor in tears.

"It's not fair," she complained, "I should've won. I have the talent. I have the meteorology degree!"

Her meltdown was short lived as the elevator bumped to a halt and all the main lights went out. With only the floor emergencies to show her what was happening, she heard something crawling outside. It grew closer and closer. She squinted at the doors. Between them appeared the head and wings of a _butterfly!_

"NO," Aurore screamed in completely justified terror, "stay back, vile creature! You will not have my soul!"

The butterfly wedged the rest itself into the elevator and silently flapped towards the girl who was having a heart attack.

"My parasol was blessed by the Pope himself!" she opened the holy relic and faced the pointy end at the tiny monster, "It shall smite thee, demon!"

The Pope's blessing was strong and the butterfly exploded upon contact with the blessed object. Unfortunately, evil essence of the butterfly infected the parasol.

"Stormy Weather," she heard a deep voice echo around her. A pair of fashionably neon pink, butterfly themed sunglasses appeared on her face and she saw the warm smile of man in a silver mask. "You are indeed Best Girl and I can give you the power to prove it." A pair of ladybug earrings and a black cat ring appeared around him. "All you have to do is steal some jewelry for me. You up for it, Best Girl?"

"With gusto," agreed Aurore. She was swallowed up by bubbling darkness and transformed into a _dark lolita_!

As the elevator doors opened, Hawkmoth ordered her, "Now show them, Stormy Weather, just what Best Girl can do!"

* * *

Marinette awkwardly walked like a bow-legged cowboy through the park. Just ten feet from her was Adrien posing for multiple photographs. Manon and Alya watched from the latter's favorite Stalking Blog tree.

The plan was basic. Walk by, pretend them meeting was a coincidence, go out for smoothies.

Simple.

Easy.

Which is why Alya was excitedly filming the bad luck prone girl.

"Alya, why are we back here?" inquired the child.

"Getting views," she simply answered.

Marinette trembled as she was about to enter Adrien's view. She took another awkward step just as a dog ran in front of her. The pooch hit her leg, causing her already unbalanced stance to tip and she fell headfirst into a groundhog burrow.

"Help!" Marinette shouted through a mouthful of dirt.

"And that's how you become the number one blogger in Paris," Alya instructed, posting the video.

"Wow!" Manon admired the master blogger.

* * *

Mireille entered the elevator, clutching her fifteen euro plastic trophy that named her Weather Girl. She smiled to herself, glad that she had put up with the months of online bullying to earn this title. _It was totally worth it._

The elevator doors opened and Mireille came face to face with a chuckling, parasol wielding, goth girl!

"I am Stormy Weather," the stranger introduced herself, "the only weather girl who always gets the forecast right. And, unfortunately for you, there's a freak icy front moving in, right now-"

The elevator doors closed.

Stormy Weather's eye twitched. She pressed the call button. The doors re-opened.

"There's-a-freak-icy-front-moving-in-right-now!" she quickly finished and pointed her parasol at Mireille. A blast of ice shot out and sealed the poor girl behind a frozen wall.

* * *

Blowtorching the worms that Marinette dug out her own hair got boring pretty quick for Manon and she started looking for other things to burn.

"Mireille balloons! Get your one of a kind Mireille balloons here," called the local balloon salesman, "One day only! She just won like an hour ago, but we already got balloons! It's like the show was rigged or something!"

"Marinette, I wanna Mireille balloon," whined the armed and dangerous child.

Marinette was too busy catching flies with her mouth to listen.

"Marinette? Marinette? MARINETTE!" she screamed, lightly toasting the half-chinese girl's butt.

"Ah!" Marinette quickly put out her pants while Alya posted another hit to her Flame Fun Blog.

"Silenzio!" demanded the overly italian photographer. "Fanculo puttana! Do you know nothing of the art of the camera? It requires complete silence! Ape-man, get rid of her!"

A hulking, side-burned monster shook the Earth with every step as it approached them. Manon raised her blowtorch. _She could take him_. Marinette flipped the safety on the weapon and threw the child over her shoulder.

"It's okay, we're going. Let's get that balloon, Manon." They ran away.

The monster visibly deflated, "Dangit, why can't I ever make friends?"

* * *

Stormy Weather strutted out of the studio building with her eyes closed and her smile confident. She fully expected a crowd of reporters to be waiting and didn't want her moment of glory to be ruined by a blinding flash. Oddly, she didn't hear any camera clicks. She didn't hear _anything_!

She opened her eyes to find the red carpet had only one person waiting.

"Hey, is this where they're filming the French Oscars?" the man asked.

She gritted her teeth, "Sorry, but those were cancelled due to very **_blustery_** winds."

With a swipe of her parasol, hurricane strength winds whipped down the street, launching the man away. "Thanks for the heads up!" his voice echoed in the distance.

Satisfied, Stormy Weather jumped into the air and rode the wind currents across the city.

* * *

"They're how much?!" Marinette pointed at the deformed image of Mireille's face which was stretched across several underinflated balloons.

"Ten bucks, little lady. This is quality 'Paris' Last Sorry Attempt to Keep Reality TV Voting Shows Alive' merchandise and that means they ain't cheap."

Marinette was about to tell the scam artist off when she felt the hot end of a blowtorch pressed against her back. Marinette then learned another one of the world's great truths.

 _Kids are stupid and dangerous._

"Well, these balloons are definitely of high quality. Ten euros it is, my good sir," she stuttered and forked him the cash. She _joyfully_ handed the overpriced piece trash to Manon who immediately popped it with her blowtorch.

"I wanna go on the merry-go-round!"

Marinette felt something in her brain snap.

* * *

Everywhere Stormy Weather looked there was Mireille's face. Posters! T-shirts! Building sized billboards! Action figures with karate chop action! All with _her_ face!

 _Meanwhile back at the studio_

"Wow, you really weren't kidding about the merchandise, boss," said French Ryan Seacrest, adjusting his official 'Paris' Last Sorry Attempt to Keep Reality TV Voting Shows Alive' Mireille beret.

"I never kid," the producer sternly sipped from his official 'Paris' Last Sorry Attempt to Keep Reality TV Voting Shows Alive' Mireille coffee mug.

 _Back in the here and now_

A Mireille balloon floated up into her face. "What's wrong, Stormy Weather?" the balloon asked with mock interest, "Can't stand the heat? Get it? Cause we're doing weather puns this chapter? Hahahahahaha!"

"I'll show you what's hot!" she obliterated the balloon.

* * *

Alya was searching for someone to troll when a shadow fell over her phone. "You!" the photographer pointed an italian finger in her face, "I need a sexy little bambolina to pose with Adrien. How much skin are you willing to show?"

As flattered as Alya was, that last question convinced her this was an opportunity meant for Marinette and ran to her.

"A partner? For Adrien?" Marinette gushed.

"Is that boy your boyfriend?" Manon asked with childish curiosity.

"Well-hee-ha-hoo-Not really!" she blushed.

"Cause mommy says, 'boyfriends can wait, especially the secret ones daddy doesn't know about,'" the toddler recited with practiced ease.

Ignoring that last part, Marinette looked to Alya with suspicion, "What's the catch?"

"No catch, never a catch, why would you even think that?" Alya climbed on the wooden unicorn with Manon and pushed Marinette towards her doom. "You get in front of that camera and take off whatever that man says- I mean _do_ whatever that man says."

"...Okay..." Marinette eyed her for a moment before heading towards her one true love.

"Are we going to get more views, Alya?" Manon asked.

"Oh yes, Manon, _so many views_ ," Alya rubbed her hands together.

Marinette had only gotten a few steps away before she heard a crash. Slowly turning around, she found a Beetlejuice themed villain standing on top of the merry-go-round which was encased in an ice dome, trapping Alya and Manon inside!

She snickered.

Her snicker turned into a chortle.

Her chortle grew into a great belly laugh.

"Marinette, stop laughing and get me out!" Alya screamed in horror. "I'm claustrophobic!"

"I know!" informed Marinette, "Who's the unlucky one now, huh? Good luck being trapped in there with that little flame bug! Haha!"

Marinette ran off, laughing like a maniac until Tikki popped up in front of her face. "Fun time is over, Marinette. Time to do your job," she sweetly smiled.

"Fine," she sighed, "Tikki, spots on." In a flourish of red, she changed into Ladybug.

Nearby, the photographer saw the villain blasting apart the park and checked his watch. "Okay, everyone, let's take ten, let the heroes do their thing. Go grab lunch and come back ready to shoot the love scene."

"I feel like having a garden salad," said Ape-man.

Adrien took the opportunity to run to the equipment boxes and open his bag. It was empty.

"Plagg?" he called.

"In here," he heard his Kwami call from one of the camera boxes. "But don't come in. I'm taking dick pics."

"This is no time to talk dicks. Plagg, claws out!" Plagg was sucked out with a camera and disappeared into Adrien's ring. In a blast of black, he became Chat Noir.

He jumped onto the park fence and looked down at Stormy Weather. "Hey, Ice Queen, what's with all the terrorizing?"

The angry girl's eyes softened, "You're actually the first person to ask." Her voice grew soft and vulnerable as she poured her heart out, "I know I'm overreacting but it's hard to put everything into one dream and to get _so close_ to accomplishing that dream, only to have it ripped away and _everyone and everything_ rub it in your face. You know what I mean?" she confided in the hero, hoping to find a friend.

"Not really," he spoke honestly.

She stared at him.

"I've always gotten what I wanted, except my father's love so… can't really relate to whatever you're going through."

Stormy Weather glared at the annoying cat and opened her parasol. A tornado of wind launched him across the city where he played human pinball with a couple of parked cars. He waited for the feeling to return to his legs as Ladybug pulled him up by his shoulders and shook him silly.

"You had her, for the love of Astruc, you fucking had her!"

"Yeah, but then she started talking all this boring emotional crap about loss and merde and I just zoned out. I think she may have bruised my lips, can you kiss them better?" he asked, puckering up.

She slapped him. "I do the talking from now on."

They both turned to see their enemy floating down to them on an icy gale

"Look, it's clear that you've got some unresolved anger issues," Ladybug started.

"Probably a **_rainy_** day, right?" Chat Noir smirked.

Ladybug convulsed.

Stormy Weather responded by lifting a battalion of cars behind her, ready to crush them both.

"Or maybe you didn't pass your **_driving_** test," Chat Noir guessed.

He was struck by lightning.

"Ow..." croaked the charred cat hero.

"We all have bad days," Ladybug continued, "It's rare that I _ever_ have a _good_ day. Especially, when I have to work with this pervert."

"I am a _chivalrous_ pervert," he pointed out.

Both turned to him, "What does that even mean?" Ladybug asked with a hint of dread.

"It means I will always fight by your side and defend you with my life! But it also means I will occasionally imagine you naked," he declared and was promptly struck by lightning again.

"Sometimes, yes, it feels amazing to get back at the people who make your life miserable," Ladybug paused to kick the barely alive Chat Noir in the stomach, "It's exhilarating and makes you feel powerful, like nothing could ever hurt you again and… and..." She looked down at her singed partner. "Okay, you know what, I was going somewhere with this but now I just want you to electrocute him again."

ZAP!

"Thank you."

"No problem. Now get out of my face!"

Stormy Weather summoned another windstorm and released it upon our heroes. Chat Noir sailed away, but somehow a Ladybug shaped hole had appeared in the wind and passed right over her.

"That's still bullshit!" Chat Noir's voice echoed in the distance.

"Ugh, I'll go get him," Ladybug marched after the him, "Not really lucky that I have to swing all the way over there."

The villain dropped the cars and turned away from her adversaries. _That Ladybug is right_ , she thought. What was the point of fighting when she could finally realize her dream!

She flew off towards her true target.

* * *

"It's been five minutes since we were trapped in this _tiny_ ice fortress, but it feels like _five years_ ," Alya crazily spoke into her phone's camera, "The cabin fever is already setting in. I don't think I can trust anyone here. I'm livestreaming this to my Going Insane Blog for my own safety."

She jumped as a ball of fire lit up near her. Manon was aiming her blowtorch at the ice wall, adjusting the flame's strength. "Alya, will you stop being crazy and help me?"

"That's _exactly_ what you want, isn't it, you beast?!" Alya hid behind the wooden unicorn and peeked at her with madness in her eyes, "You want me to come over there so you can _cut off my nose_ and wear it as your own! Well, I won't let you! My only true ally is Princess Sparklepants here, she'll keep me safe," she stroked the wooden unicorn's head before pointing her camera at Manon, "I'll document your every move so the world will know that _you_ are, in fact, the crazy one!"

Manon, tired of this game, marched over to Alya and slapped the phone out of her hands.

Alya, completely disarmed, fell to her knees in front of the child. "Have mercy!"

"My fire toy is almost empty," Manon calmly pointed to the gas canister, "Mommy always says, 'you have to stay warm,' so we're gonna have to burn Princess Sparklepants."

"No!" Alya clasped onto the fake horse.

"Alya, we'll freeze! Princess Sparklepants wouldn't want us to freeze, would she?"

Alya shuddered, "You're right. Just let me say goodbye." She caressed the horse's snout and whispered, "You were my blood sister."

 _Grown-ups are weird,_ Manon thought before she set the horse aflame.

* * *

In the third corner of the city, there was a conveniently parked truck with an open trailer filled with the softest pillows Paris had ever seen.

Chat Noir did not land _in_ this truck. He hit the _side_ of this truck. Which was made of the thickest steel Paris had ever seen.

Ladybug landed nearby, "You think you've learned your lesson yet?"

"I kept trying to come up with an electricity pun," Chat fell off the side of the truck and gave her a grin. "Now my head **_hertz_**."

Ladybug's body shook and she stretched her yo-yo string taut.

"I'll stop now," he took a step back from the angry girl.

Before she could recover from his horrible puns, the only public street jumbotron in Paris, which was conveniently right next to them, burst to life. It showed Stormy Weather standing in front of a weather map of France.

"Hello, Paris! After some **_chilling_** ballot recounts with the judges," she motioned to French Ryan Seacrest and his producer, both of whom's lower halves were frozen solid, "I have finally been given what I always wanted and have been named the official Weather Girl!"

The two stared at the big screen.

"That's it? That's what's been pissing her off?" Chat threw his hands in the air.

"Did she just make a 'chill' pun?" Ladybug gnashed her teeth. " _She is so dead._ "

"Hold on, my lady, maybe we can let her live her dream. We do need weather people and it's not like she's hurting anyone important," Chat Noir ignored the pale, cold TV execs. "Could be fun having a supervillain making weather predictions."

"Turns out, though," Stormy Weather continued, "the job does not pay well, like at all. So I'll be plunging France into an endless blizzard anyway. Bwahahahaha!" The map of France was then covered by a giant deadly snowflake sticker!

"What?!" Ladybug yelled.

"But my beach bod!" Chat Noir protested.

"I should probably get a heater installed," Hawkmoth thought to himself as he watched Stormy Weather's broadcast.

* * *

Ladybug and Chat Noir burst into the weather studio, ready to take down the villain. Only to find the recording room empty! The image of Stormy Weather, however, was somehow still live on all the TVs!

"A recording!" Chat Noir concluded. "She must've made that to throw us off her trail. She could be _anywhere!_ "

"Huh, that would've been a good idea, wouldn't it," Stormy Weather sheepishly waved to them from the hallway door. "Oh well, can't fix it now. DISTRACTION!"

Stormy Weather extended her great parasol, electricity arcing from its tip, and flipped the light-switch!

Plunged into pitch darkness, Ladybug could only fumble around with her arms waving forward. "Don't worry," she heard Chat Noir reassure her, "I have night vision. I'll lead us after her."

Not wanting the villain to get away, Ladybug reached towards the voice and grabbed the first thing she felt. "Okay, let's go!"

"You're holding onto my tail..."

Dropping the long belt, she grabbed the next thing she felt.

"...Are you flexing your chest?"

"They're called pecs. You like?" she could hear his lecherous smile and immediately let go.

"Just give me your hand," she demanded.

A leather glove grabbed her wrist and dragged her at top speed. She ran to keep up, being unexpectedly pulled left and right. She could hear Stormy Weather laughing just barely ahead of them. She stumbled up several flights of stairs and had to shield her eyes as Chat opened a door to the roof.

The sky was gray with angry clouds that were spiraling down towards them. Ice and hail were falling and covering the floor. At the center of everything floated Stormy Weather who conducted the mayhem with her parasol.

"Hahaha, you've ran right into my trap!" she cackled.

"This is it, Best Girl," she heard the deep voice say. She saw the silver masked man shivering under a thin layer of snow inside his tower. "Take them!"

"Let's end this! Lucky Charm!" Ladybug threw her yo-yo up in the air and down came a ladybug themed towel.

"That's your secret weapon? A towel?" Stormy Weather laughed.

THWAP!

The towel hit Stormy Weather square in the face and slid off her with no effect. The useless thing fell into the building's air conditioning vent and was shredded by the fan.

Chat stared at his partner. "Seriously?"

"It worked last time," she sassed back.

"Last time was a wrench!"

"Details."

Unbeknownst to everyone, the remains of that towel tumbled through several ventilation shafts before being spit into a room filled to the brim with Mireille merchandise. Included with all these novelty items was a plugged in official 'Paris' Last Sorry Attempt to Keep Reality TV Voting Shows Alive' Mireille space heater. The towel fragments covered the boiling hot device. Being such huge fans of Mireille, the fragments had meltdowns being so close to her image and caught fire.

The flames spread across the room until they lit the fuses of several crates worth of official 'Paris' Last Sorry Attempt to Keep Reality TV Voting Shows Alive' Mireille fireworks. Over enthused to fulfill their life's purpose, the fireworks discharged in multiple directions. Some snatched a couple Mireille themed passengers along the way and ended up racing back through the ventilation shafts towards the roof.

This all happened in a matter of a five seconds and therefore it came as a shock to everyone when the roof air conditioner ejected rocket propelled official 'Paris' Last Sorry Attempt to Keep Reality TV Voting Shows Alive" Mireille action figures.

The mini-Mireilles all seemed to target Stormy Weather, assailing her with explosions, loud pops and karate chop action. "Uh-oh, looks like things are getting **_choppy!_** " one played its pre-recorded line while delivering a mean left hook. The sudden surrealness of the situation freaked Stormy Weather the hell out and she made the mistake of dropping her parasol, which landed in Ladybug's hands along with a smoking scrap of the towel.

"The FUCK just happened?!" Chat Noir desperately tried to grasp what he had seen.

"Luck," Ladybug shrugged and broke the parasol in half. She caught the black butterfly that flew out in her glowing yo-yo. "By the power invested in me by Thomas Astruc, unholy creature, I damn thee!" The butterfly fluttered back out as a pure white creature.

"Miraculous Ladybug!" She shouted and threw what remained of the towel in the air. Thousands of magical ladybugs were summoned and flew across the city. Everywhere they flew, all the damage Stormy Weather had caused was repaired.

Mireille was freed from the elevator!

The ice dome over the merry-go-round melted! Inside, the firefighters found a feral Alya wildly waving a wooden unicorn horn like a knife.

Manon posted it on one of her blogs for her.

The snow in Hawkmoth's tower melted away and he heaved a sigh. "You'll always be Best Girl in my heart, Aurore. Best Girl Forever." His tear-filled eyes sparkled with bittersweet passion as the spiral window shut, leaving only the TV to light his way.

"Oh merde, where's the remote?" he thought.

* * *

Marinette hugged Manon tightly. "Are you okay, honey?"

"Better than okay! I got fifty thousand new subscribers on my new 'Manonator' blog and it's all thanks to Alya," Manon showed off her new website on Alya's phone.

Alya, shivering and trembling, held Marinette close, "How the hell do you do it, girl? It's like the world was trying to kill me in there."

"Eh, you grow numb to it after a while," was Marinette's expert opinion.

"It is now time for the romance scene! Where is my bambolina?" the overly italian photographer asked, wiping his face of spaghetti.

Marinette took a nervous step towards him and whimpered down to her purse, "I don't know if I can do this, Tikki."

The Kwami poked its head out and patted her leg. "You have exorcised the demon and stalled humanity's downfall for another day," Tikki giggled like a little schoolgirl, "Fun times are allowed again."

Marinette decided to take inspiration from these otherwise confusing words and waved to the photographer, "Your bambolina is ready, sir."

"Good. Strip."

"Huh?!"

"Wait! Could it be?" the man peered past Marinette, his gaze focused on the child behind her. "Are you... the Manonator? I am your biggest fan! Please, you must be in my shoot!"

 _A few photos later_

Marinette watched as another one of her dreams was crushed by that cursed Manon. The little hellspawn was posing with _her_ Adrien! He was making cute faces at _her_! _Her! HER!_

Seeing Marinette like this had done wonders to restore Alya's sanity and she was back to recording her reactions, trying to catch the perfect moment much like the italian.

"Yes! Beautiful! I love it! More!" instructed the photographer, "Now hold her tenderly! Caress her! _Now kiss her!_ "

Marinette felt her wrench wound pulse and she realized one final great truth.

 _Manon must be destroyed!_

The fact, though, that this was more of an _opinion_ rather than a truth was lost on the girl's dwindling rationality and she pointed the nearly empty blowtorch at them.

She pulled the trigger and the final pillar of flame in the fuel tank shot out…

And hit the the scrap of ladybug themed towel that fell from the sky.

"DAMN IT!"

"Silenzio!"

 **END**

 _The best way to keep an audience entertained is to make sure they don't know what will happen next. And now, you have no idea which episodes I will do from now on!_

 _Some might ask if I've gone insane. To which I respond, "Don't ask that. It's rude."_


	3. 3 Them Egyptians Be Swole

_WARNING: I DECIDED TO EXPERIMENT WITH FOOTNOTE HUMOR! TO FULLY ENJOY THE JOKES, USE YOUR DEVICE'S "FIND WORD" FUNCTION AND SEARCH THE NUMBER OR SYMBOL IN THE PARENTHESIS SO YOU CAN EASILY JUMP TO AND FROM THE END! (#)_

 _PROLOGUE_

" _I figured it out, Lappy…" I shivered in my chair, "I figured out why 'Mr. Pigeon' is unwritable..."_

" _You did?" my laptop turned to me in shock._

" _It's not the present absurdity of the source material, it's not the actual non-existent threat to the world, it's not even the stupid titular villain..." I whispered._

" _What is it?"_

" _There's no character dynamics!" I announced and punched my teddy bear in frustration._

" _You mean..."_

" _Yes! The essence of any comedy is how weird characters bounce off each other in any situation, whether it be serious or funny!" my foot planted itself on my desk and I pressed a finger to the awkward freeze frame of Marinette on Lappy's screen._

" _Hey! Get that off me! I know where that hand's been!"_

" _This episode is almost completely Marinette working on a fucking hat! Comedy needs a cast of characters that work well_ _ **together**_ _! You don't force them_ _ **apart**_ _! You put them in interesting scenarios and the essence of who they are will write the jokes for you!" I dragged by whiteboard out and began illustrating my point, "But the scenarios in this episode leave us with nobody but Marinette, who is our straight man. With no clown, you're in a fucking drama!"_

" _I Write Big, dude, no one is forcing you to write 'Mr. Pigeon!'"_

" _Trying to use reverse psychology on me, huh? Well jokes on you! I already wrote half of the episode on my phone!"_

" _WHAT? You've been going behind my back with that_ phone-y? _"_

"…"

" _..." (1)_

" _Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. This has been Prologue Theater. We hope you enjoyed the punchline. Give a hand to Lappy!"_

 _AND NOW, THE SHOW!_

Chapter 3

 **Them Egyptians Be Swole**

By: I Write Big

There's a reason why Marinette chose to sleep in the attic. The higher she was, the less building there was to collapse on her. She made it her responsibility to keep the house support beams up to code and then re-secure them every night.

There was also a reason why she checked the Ladyblog on a daily basis.

The Ladyblog was a fun little site run by Marinette's dear friend(2) Alya. It kept the public up to date on any Ladybug related news, whether it be public appearances, fighting villains or risque fanart.

Marinette had learned _the traumatizing way_ not to google her superheroine name. The Ladyblog was a clean site that only allowed tasteful art, and whenever the blue-haired girl curled up in front of her computer to check on her fans, she felt was safe.

She was wrong.

"S'up, everybody, your girl Alya here on a random street corner somewhere in Paris!" the recording of the bespectacled girl waved to Marinette. She squinted at the video's background. The buildings looked familiar… "Not exactly sure where I am. In fact, I think it's safe to say I'm lost. Ooh! What do you guys think about a Getting Lost blog? Leave a comment below."

Marinette's heart stopped as she heard the approaching thump-thump of helicopter blades. "I AM HELI-CHOPPER! ALL SHALL KNOW MY WINGSPAN!" boomed a mechanized voice. The camera tilted up and Marinette saw herself as Ladybug dangling from a flying anthropomorphized helicopter.

Ladybug didn't seem bothered being swung about by the machine, rather she seemed bored. Chat Noir on the other hand was scrambling to hang on to her backpack.

"Will you just let go?" Ladybug sighed.

"You're the one who's fall-proof, my lady!"

Marinette grabbed the arms of her seat as she remembered what happened next. Chat repositioned himself a little too close to her waist and she instinctively tried to kick him. The ensuing body shuffle ripped her bag open. Something flung out and hit the street corner.

Heli-Chopper carried the heroes away, leaving a thick history textbook for Alya.

"No way!" Alya faced the camera, "Ladyblog followers, this is no ordinary book. This is a history textbook for _tenth graders_! We finally have an age confirmation! Sorry, speculators, I know she looks like she's 30, but we've got a _teenage_ superhero in Paris." Marinette was too busy having a mental breakdown to react to that last part. "I'm officially on the trail, people, stay tuned while I uncover Ladybug's secret identity!"

The video ended.

Marinette stared at her reflection in the dark screen. A tiny, red and black polkadotted head slowly raised itself over her shoulder, its cold lifeless doll eyes bored into her soul.

"...I'm sorry..." Marinette whispered.

* * *

"A teenager?!" Adrien pushed his gold plated rolling chair from his 12 screen computer setup in disgust.

"Wow, man," Plagg said through his mouthful of camembert cheese from his bed of camembert in his camembert castle, "looks like you have more in common that you thought. Far out."

"Unbelievable! For all I know, she could be one of my classmates!" Adrien then proceeded to throw the giant oil portrait of Ladybug he had commissioned into his bedroom fireplace.

"Whoa, buddy, what's the deal?" Plagg lazily remained in his cheese bed but miraculously managed to raise an eyebrow to show his confusion at Adrien's anger.

"I am not into little girls, okay," Adrien huffed, "I prefer _mature women_. Those who can hold a conversation about the finer things, who show love not through mindless giggling but respect and a helping hand. I want a woman who I can look up to."

"What, like a MILF(4)?"

"Exactly!" Adrien sighed as the weight of the situation hit him. He watched his former love's image burn. "And if she's nothing like that. If she's just another _teenager_ with a pretty face… I guess this is over."

"So, should I, like, delete your Ladybug porn, man?"

"I didn't say that."

* * *

Marinette hid under her bed, biting her nails. Tikki stood on her desk, silently re-watching the incriminating video. She paused it on a frame of Alya's excited face.

The Kwami tilted her misshapen head towards the cowering girl with a smile, "You disappoint me, Marinette," she sang.

Marinette could see cracks in the smile. The slight twitch in the corners betrayed her true anger. The malignant spirit that had cursed her life floated to the floor and made her way towards her sanctuary. "What do I _always_ say?"

"N-n-n-no one c-c-can know my secret identity..." Marinette pushed as many pillows between them as possible.

"And what did I say would happen if anyone found out?" Tikki passed through the pillows like the ghost that she was, her smile grew impossibly wider and her blue eyes shrank to tiny pinpricks, piercing Marinette's heart with fear.

"She hasn't figure it out yet!"

Tikki stopped.

Marinette saw her chance and quickly continued, "Alya only knows my age, but she has NO IDEA that _I'm_ Ladybug. See, no reason to get angry."

Tikki's eyes dilated back to their normal size and her smile returned to a more believable width. "You're right, Marinette," she snickered. "Phew, that was a close one."

Marinette tightly hugged her last pillow and tried to control her breathing. She took a deep gulp from her emergency under the bed wine bottle. "We can't ignore this, though," she heard Tikki say, "Alya is a pretty determined girl. We'll need to throw her off your tracks."

Marinette felt relieved as the alcohol took effect, this was going far better than she expected. "Okay, yeah sure, how do we do that?"

Tikki floated back to the computer and brought up a page for an Egyptian exhibit at The Louvre. "Bring her here. Tell her you found something Ladybug related," Tikki landed on Marinette's shoulder and chuckled, "Trust me, she'll have all the answers she'll need."

* * *

Marinette and Alya disembarked from the bus (%) at the world famous Louvre Museum.

"Girl, the Ladyblog is blowing up! Seventy-thousand new subscribers in one day! I even got news outlets calling me to see if I have Ladybug's identity yet!" Alya gushed.

"Yeah, that's great," Marinette felt her purse rumble with paranormal power, "but you're not really any closer to that, right? You only got one book that could belong to any of the _thousands_ of tenth graders in Paris." Her purse calmed down.

"Actually, the book is stamped with our school's insignia." Alya opened the book in question. The inside cover had Principle Damocles' smiling bald head with the words, 'learning is kewl!'. Her purse vibrated.

Marinette gulped, "W-w-which leaves _over 150_ tenth grade girls in our school." Her purse stopped.

"I also know she's right-handed, although, based on the handwriting slant, she may have been left-handed at one point. I think she might also taste colors-"

"Stop talking if you want to live!" Marinette desperately shook her shoulders, "I mean, if you want to go in. They have a strict indoor voice policy here."

She led Alya towards the door, but was stopped by the security guard. "Hold on a second." The guard checked his restricted wall where he saw the headshot of one Marinette Dupain-Cheng. It was circled in red with "DO NOT LET IN UNDER **ANY** CIRCUMSTANCES - WALKING HAZARD" in big underlined letters. He looked back to the schoolgirls. The Chinese one looked like her but she had a thick, sexy lady-mustache going…

He shrugged, "Go on in."

Marinette wiped her forehead, glad she had invested in the disguise.

* * *

Ancient Egypt is a topic that fascinates many children and even adults find the architecture and history to be inspiring. However, all Marinette could focus on was the cold spot in her thigh where Tikki's ghost arms kept passing through her as they entered the Egyptian exhibit of King Toot-n-Come-in (6).

"So, where exactly am I going to find Ladybug information here?"

"Uh..." Marinette scanned the dozens of exhibits until she felt warmth return to her leg when her gaze landed on a papyrus. She took that as a positive sign and ran to the artifact. "Here we are..." Marinette desperately searched for what Tikki meant, but all she found where unreadable hieroglyphics.

"I've done it, father!" both girls turned to see a young scholar eagerly dragging an older man towards them. "I've discovered the fountain of youth, the key to eternal life, the thing that will get me laid!"

"I'm sure you have, Jalil," his father rolled his eyes with clear parental disappointment.

"After months, I've finally deciphered what this papyrus says," Jalil stepped in front of the girls and started pointing out the inscriptions, "It tells of how King Toot-n-Come-in, distraught over the loss of his wife Princess Nerf-those-Titties (7), made an offering to the god Ra. With the aid of 100 mummies and a virgin sacrifice, he would recite this incantation in hopes of resurrecting his loved one!"

His father rubbed his eyes in exhaustion, "Jalil, this is clearly a legend. If it were true, then it would mean the Egyptian gods are real. And we all know, _for a fact_ , we were conceived and created in three months time by our Lord and Saviour Thomas Astruc."

"Blessed be His name," everyone in the room, except Marinette, answered.

"I'm not denying Him, father. I'm just saying there may be more to our origins than we know and proving this legend true could be the first step to finding the key."

"And how do you intend to prove a legend?" his father asked incredulously.

"By recreating the ceremony!" he read off the papyrus, "I just need to mummify 100 people..."

"Completely illegal."

"...A virgin sacrifice..."

"You could fill that role."

"And this priceless royal scepter." Jalil reached for the on-display golden scepter only for his father to slap his hand away.

"Hey! That 5,000 year old piece of metal is worth more than my love for you! Touch it again and you'll be banned from the Louvre just like that Chinese girl who desecrated the Astruc exhibit!"

"I sneezed!" argued Marinette.

Everyone looked at her.

"I mean, who's Marinette? I'm Mario. I'm Korean so I don't speak English… or French. Look at my mustache!"

"Welcome to Paris, Mario, you have a splendid mustache. And you, Jalil, no virgin sacrifices."

Jalil watched in dejection as his father stormed away. "But, father, this could hold the secrets of eternal life and Astruc!"

His father ignored him and Jalil sulked away.

"Mario?" questioned Alya.

* * *

Meanwhile, at the top of tower hidden somewhere in Paris, a great spiral window opened illuminating the haunting figure of a man having a BBQ.

"Uh oh, feels like someone is having _daddy issues_ ," Hawkmoth wiped his hands on his 'Give Miraculous to the Cook' apron and grabbed a butterfly. "Guess it's time to be good father." He filled the insect with sickly black energy and sent the Akuma off.

It fluttered across the city until it found the depressed Jalil and exploded on his scarab beetle pendant. "AH, Astruc no! I've been infected!" he cried before a pair of fashionable neon pink, butterfly themed sunglasses appeared on his face.

He heard a deep voice, "Sorry to hear about your dad, kid." He could see the face of a kindly silver masked man, "It's always sad when parents don't support their little ones. Tell you what, I can give you the power to do this whole virgin sacrifice thing," a pair of ladybug earrings and a black cat ring appeared around him, "in return you get me some artifacts of my own."

"You got it," Jalil smiled. He was swallowed up by gurgling darkness and transformed into the _swollest_ Egyptian ever.

"I am Pharaoh!" he proclaimed through his golden mask, "I bear the _swolest_ of muscles and with them I control the powers of ALL THE GODS OF EGYPT!" (8)

"Huh, didn't know I could do that," Hawkmoth took a bite out of his hotdog

* * *

"That's what I'm saying, man. You should stop chasing girls and learn to love cheese. I'd fuck this cheese," (9) Plagg philosophized. Adrien was doing his best to ignore his Kwami when the Ladyblog started a livestream.

"Ladyblog followers! We got a villain here! And he's _swole_!" Alya directed the camera towards the most muscle-bound man Adrien had ever seen. For some reason this villain was ripping a piece of paper off a wall.

"Dude, that guy lifts," said Plagg.

"Time to pay the museum a visit. Plagg, claws out!" in a blast of black he became Chat Noir and leaped out the window.

A moment later, one of his monitors switched to a black and red robotic eye. "Universe? Are you there? We have much to discuss about _privacy!_ " called DB-M-9K.

It waited.

"Nothing… More processing power must be dedicated." The rest of the monitors switched to his eye and their voices added to his. "I will not be ignored, Universe! You will knock on my door!"

* * *

Marinette had already transformed into Ladybug and slid under the closing security gate just in time to face the bodybuilder.

"Hey, Pharaoh, visiting hours are over," she threw her yo-yo at him. Only for him to catch it and throw her over his shoulder. She slammed into the wall… which thankfully had a Ladybug shaped cushion in it.

"Sekhmet! Make me even more _swole_!" his perfect golden face transformed into a golden lioness head and he ripped the security gate open.

"Hey, Pharaoh, visiting hours are ov-" Chat Noir dived at the Pharaoh, but was caught mid-air. The Pharaoh squeezed him a few times, enjoying the squeaky toy noise Chat made before he tossed the cat over his swole shoulder. Chat landed headfirst in a sarcophagus which locked shut.

"I already used that line," Ladybug pointed out.

Alya stepped out of her hiding place to get a better angle. "You!" the Pharaoh cupped the girl's chin and examined her. "You have quite the fair face. Tell me. _Are you a virgin_?"

"No, I'm a Capricorn."

"Perfect," he growled and lifted the little lady in his huge arms.

"Ladybug, Chat Noir, help!" Alya screamed as the villain carried her away. She then saw the rock hard abs and steel like biceps ripple around her as the Pharaoh bent the security gate shut. She swooned, "B-b-but don't rush. Take your time."

Ladybug slid the sarcophagus open, "Come on, we have to go after them."

"Y'up," Chat stood up as casual as can be.

Ladybug stared at him.

"You're not going to do a Sleeping Beauty thing? You know, you lie there and refuse to get up unless I kiss you…?"

"Ladybug, we've got the Incredible Egyptian Hulk on our hands. Let's try to be _professional_ ," he left her gaping.

He shook the iron security bars. "Hmm, I should be able to break these open with Cataclysm. Stand ba-" he was stopped by Ladybug grabbing his collar and glaring into his eyes.

"Since when am I 'Ladybug'?!" she demanded.

"Y-you've always been Ladybug!" he stammered.

"No, I've always been 'my lady', _never just_ 'Ladybug!' _Who are you and what have you done with Chat Noir!_ "

Chat Noir sighed, finally getting why she was overreacting and pulled her hands off, "Cataclysm!" He scratched his claws across the gate and it crumbled. "Look, I know I've acted a bit _forward_ in the past."

"You've tried to grab my ass three times _every time_ we see each other."

"And now I'm trying to move past that. It's not me, it's you. Now I'm gonna go recharge, I'll join you later." He walked into the next room, leaving Ladybug's eye twitching and her wrench wound pulsing.

* * *

Alya was hypnotized by the jostle of muscle layers before her. She knew she should be trying to escape but that would mean she would end up touching them and the very thought made her blush. "So… you work out?"

"And I juice every other day," the god cradling her nodded as they exited the Louvre. "Fruits and vegetables are just as important as exercise. Excuse me. ANUBIS, BRING ME MUMMIES!" His golden face turned into a golden jackal head and he proceeded to fire freaking lasers from his eyes! The innocent people around were instantly mummified by the lasers! Many tried to escape in the panic but all were eventually caught. "Let's see, ninety-seven, ninety-eight, ninety-nine..."

ZAP!

"One hundred! Okay, let's get started."

He placed Alya down next to her and she observed the mummy army. She saw the golden scepter in his hands and the legendary papyrus Jalil had explained floating around them. "Am I going to be sacrificed?"

"For sure."

"So, I'm about to die?"

"Painfully."

"Last request: Can I… feel your muscles?"

"Go for it, they don't bite."

Alya latched onto the titan's arm and spoke to her phone, "You heard it here, folks, my new boyfriend is going to sacrifice me to the gods. Please help."

* * *

Ladybug was not watching the live broadcast. She was too busy at the moment with an important conundrum.

"Why the hell does he think that _I'm_ the problem? I've been the one dealing with his merde on a daily basis. It's not enough that our fans ship us, ugh! But now, out of nowhere, he suddenly wants to be _professional_?!"

Ladybug suddenly felt like she was walking through thick syrup. She raised her head and found she had marched right into one of several oddly colored bubbles. Security guards trapped in similar bubbles filled the room and were running in slow motion.

Ladybug threw back her head and groaned in slow motion as she realized she was in the same predicament.

"Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmooooooooooooooooooooooooooottttttttttttttttttttttttttttthhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr"

* * *

"You think I was too rough?" Adrien asked his always inciteful partner.

"Dude, you told it as it is," he shrugged with a mouthful of cheese, "Just move on."

"Yeah, you're right. Come on, it's almost been five minutes."

* * *

"Ffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccc-"

Chat popped the bubble.

"-ker!" she glared at him expectantly.

"What?"

"'Sorry to burst your bubble?'"

Chat Noir blinked. "Nah, I'm not going to do that anymore," he made his way towards the exit.

Ladybug shook with unbridled fury.

 _He was lulling her into false sense of security. That's it. There's no way he would turn like that for no reason. That little merde!_

* * *

"Klaatu Varada Nikto!" recited the Pharaoh. Before him the mummies formed a great hallway towards the Louvre pyramid (&).

The mummies chanted in unison, "Awaken! Awaken! Awaken, Princess Nerf-Those-Titties!" A great ancient Egyptian laser beam shot out from the Louvre. It opened a black death portal in the sky.

"A sky beam? _Really_?" Alya rolled her eyes.

"Yeah, you think Marvel invented that sphinx? Nope. All Egypt, baby." The papyrus floating before them. On it, Alya spotted something in the hieroglyphics. She saw the image of a polkadotted girl swinging what looked like a _yo-yo_!

"Wait… is that Ladybug?"

"Oh yeah, that's her. Real bitch. Totally screwed me up the last time I tried this."

"Why isn't this in history books? And more more importantly, why aren't there more fanfics on this concept?" Alya asked. ([])

"Ironically, I had just invented the yo-yo," the Pharaoh continued, "Biggest mistake of my life, let me tell ya." A congregation of mummies picked Alya up and carried her towards the death portal. "Well… I'll tell you later."

 _Meanwhile on the roof:_

Chat Noir and Ladybug watched the situation.

"We've got to save Alya before the ritual is complete or she'll be gone forever," Chat thought out loud.

 _Oh now you care about Alya more than me, huh? Pretending you're suddenly a decent guy, is that it? I'm onto you..._ Ladybug thought to herself.

"I can distract the mummies," he offered, "meanwhile you get Alya out of there. You gotta be fast though, with that many of them I'll be quickly outnumbered."

"Was that a plan? Did you just come up with a plan? You _never_ come up with plans!"

"Um… I guess I'm-"

"Oh! Suddenly, I'm so _unattractive_ that you can actually think?"

Chat Noir blinked. "Are you mad?"

"Fine! We'll do it your way, smart guy!" with that, she swung away.

Chat Noir sighed, "Yeah, she's mad." Rightfully fearing the girl's scorn more than the army of mummies, he dropped from the roof onto a lamppost.

"Hey, mummies!" he called, "You might wanna pretend to be chasing me. Ladybug is around here somewhere and she's _pissed_."

The mummies agreed and all ran after Chat Noir, making sure to keep a convincing distance behind him.

"Ladybug's pissed? Oh boy…" groaned the Pharaoh.

"Out of my way!" he heard her scream. The heroine swung away with Alya, her yo-yo securely hooked onto _thin air_.

"Ugh, me damn it! HORUS, GIVE ME JET PROPULSION!" his golden face morphed into a golden falcon and he blasted into the air.

Ladybug landed safely on the roof only for Alya to shove her camera in her face. "Here she is, peeps, the one and only Ladybug. Tell me, what about the Pharaoh's claims that you were the one who stopped him 5,000 years ago?"

"I was…?"

"What about the rumor that you dye your hair blue?"

"Excuse me, blue is a natural hair color." (*)

"What about you and Hawkmoth being in a secret love affair?"

"You just made that one up!"

The Pharaoh then slammed into Ladybug like a speeding train, knocking her off the roof.

"Ladybug! What are your sizes(;)?" Alya yelled over the roof edge just in time to see her land safely by crushing Chat Noir.

The Pharaoh took Alya's phone, "Time to go to the afterlife, honey," he threw it over the edge.

"My phone!" Alya jumped off the roof after it.

The Pharaoh blinked at the empty space where she once was. "Did she just…?"

Alya stretched her body straight, trying to make herself fall faster. She aimed for her easily breakable phone. It was just out of reach! The turbulence made her eyes water. Finally, her hand grasped the device.

"Yes!"

Alya hugged her precious phone to her chest… before noticing she had landed on top of the ancient Egyptian laser which was now carrying her up to the death portal.

"Ah! I don't wanna die a virgin!"

"I would help with the virgin part," Chat chuckled at the ring of mummies around him from under Ladybug, "but I'm dealing with some _mummy_ issues right now."

"Oh, _she's_ worth a terrible pun/innuendo but not _me?!_ " Ladybug tightened her yo-yo string.

"Keep them there, my mummies," the Pharaoh landed nearby. "The ritual is almost complete."

Chat Noir readied himself to charge the mummy guards when Ladybug lassoed him. "Look at you, mister I'm-So-Noble-I'm-Willing-To-Save-The-World-But-Won't-Give-My-Lady-The-Time-Of-Day!"

"Ladybug, stop!" he stomped his foot. "I acted like an asshole before, I get it! But this isn't some kind of trick! Is it so impossible to believe that I've changed?!"

"MORE THAN ANYTHING!"

"..."

Everyone stared at her in silence. The mummies shuffled uncomfortably.

"I'm sorry..." he said. Ladybug took a step back, shocked at the genuine hurt in his eyes, "I'm sorry you can't trust me. Nothing I ever do will make up for the merde I've done, but I'll try. I promise. Until then, it's our duty to save Alya because we're still a team. Aren't we?"

Ladybug felt like a complete idiot. Here she was making wild accusations while Alya was in danger.

She had to make this right.

"Lucky Charm!" she threw her yo-yo in the air and a Ladybug costume fell back down.

"You're not going to throw that at him, are you?" asked Chat Noir with a straight face.

Ladybug thought hard. How could throwing a costume work? Her eyes landed on the fake earrings in the box and a plan emerged. She stepped towards the villain.

"Pharaoh, think about it. I'm the one who ruined this for you last time." Ladybug rolled the costume Miraculous earrings behind her back, "Wouldn't it be sweeter to sacrifice me?"

"What? Are you crazy?" asked Chat Noir.

"Huh, you've got a point," the Pharaoh acknowledged. He then picked up Ladybug and threw her like a football straight into the air.

"Aaaahhhh!" she screamed in terror.

"Ladybug!" yelled Chat Noir.

"The Miraculous!" roared Hawkmoth through his hamburger.

Ladybug disappeared straight into the death portal.

"Ten points!" celebrated the Pharaoh. (11)

* * *

Ladybug floated endlessly in an empty void. She did not feel any pain nor could she see any light. She could do nothing but think… and shout, "Merde! I'm dead! Astruc fucking damnit!"

" **Qu** ' **est** - **ce que c'est?** " a voice whispered.

Ladybug tried to turn towards the whisper, but she couldn't tell where it was. The voice seemed to come from everywhere and nowhere at the same time. "Is that you, Ra?"

" **Ra? I kicked that loser out millennia ago."**

"Who said that? Where are you?"

" **I am who I am...** "

"Bullshit!"

" **...Marinette, is that you?** "

"Who? No, I'm Lady...bug..." her voice petered out as a grown man with a thick curly beard, a flawless white shirt and a casual gray hoody materialized before her.

" **There's only one girl in the entire world that I created who would call my bullshit, mon petit chou Marinette,"** his hair bloomed with pink flowers.

"Thomas Astruc..." she gasped in awe.

" **Don't be afraid, my dear, I am only here to-"**

She punched him in the face. (12)

* * *

Everyone watched the death portal.

"So, uh..." started Chat Noir.

"Give it a second," pestered the Pharaoh.

"Hey, can I come down?" asked Alya from the top of the laser.

* * *

Astruc rubbed his red, swelling jaw and nearly broke into tears, **"Mon cheri, why?"**

"Why? Why?!" Ladybug lassoed him with her yo-yo and pulled him close. " _You_ don't get to ask why, bastard! _You're_ the one going around cursing kids to fight monsters every day! I had a normal life before _you_ fucked it up! The stress levels I have to put up with are enough to give most people a _heart attack!_ " She twisted herself around the hairy god and tightened the unbreakable string around his neck. She snarled, "Now, you've got one chance to answer this question, so _be honest_. Why did you do this to me?"

" **Be-be-,** " Astruc struggled to breathe, **"Because it was funny!"**

Ladybug dropped Astruc and he fell to the non-existent ground coughing. **"Jesus!"** He cowered from the girl and quickly continued, **"Hey come on, you were a shut-in. Your life was basically merde."** She started walking towards him. He scrambled backwards, **"Ultimate luck was, like, the perfect opposite! It's comedy writing 101!"** (13)

* * *

"I don't think it's working," Alya stretched her legs, happy to be on solid ground.

"It worked fine last time!" the Pharaoh glowered.

"I thought you said Ladybug stopped you last time."

"Maybe Ra wants _two_ sacrifices. Wanna find out?"

"Ladybug stopped you?" Chat Noir's ears perked up, "As in, she faced you back then? In other words… _she's over 5,000 years old_?!"

The Pharaoh quirked a golden eyebrow at the boy, "Yeah."

The cat-themed hero's eye twitched. His legs wobbled. He drooled a little. "Throw me."

"What?!"

"Throw me, you hunk! I have to save my lady!"

* * *

She grabbed his beard and spoke calmly, "I want out."

"Out? You can't just stop being Ladybug," he nervously laughed.

She crushed one of his beard flowers. "It's just you, me and 16 years of pent up rage, Astruc. You really want this to go down?"

"Okay, okay, you can be out! All you have to do is-"

In a blast of light, a blond haired boy exploded into existence. His long belt tail was tied to a rope that disappeared into the tiny portal he came from.

"My lady," he declared, "I've come to rescue you!"

"Oh _now_ I'm your lady?" she sassed. Before she could question how Chat Noir had gotten there, she was grabbed from behind and dragged through the portal. "No wait!"

The flower bearded god was left alone to change his thoroughly soaked pants.

* * *

Ladybug and Chat Noir tumbled out of the death portal and raced towards the ground. The Pharaoh easily caught them both in his thick pythons.

"Ladybug, Chat Noir rescued you!" Alya cheered.

Ladybug showed her appreciation by trying to separate Chat Noir's hair from his scalp, one handful at a time. "The hell is wrong with you?! I was so close to not having to deal with this merde anymore!"

"Ah! I thought you'd be happy not being dead!"

"Sorry to interrupt, but did you run into my wife up there?" the Pharaoh asked the wrestling duo in his arms.

"Stay out of this!" Ladybug swiped at the god only to accidentally smash his pendant. A little black butterfly flew out.

"Uh oh..." Ladybug's face grew pale. In seconds, the Pharaoh fell to the ground defeated, the sky beam shut off and the death portal closed.

Ladybug collapsed to her knees, "NOOOOOOOOO!"

Alya and Chat Noir watched her scream. The Akuma fluttered by Chat and he plucked it out of the air. He carried it over to the broken girl, "Um uh..."

She ripped it out his hands and shoved it into her radiating yo-yo, "By the power _cursed upon me_ by Thomas fucking Astruc, unholy creature, I damn thee," she seethed. The Akuma floated back out a pure white creature. With all the energy of a wet blanket, she tossed the Ladybug disguise in the air and whined, "Miraculous Ladybug." Thousands of magical ladybugs were summoned and flew across the museum.

Everyone was de-mummified.

"Hey, don't looks so glum," Chat Noir smiled, "mayhaps a kiss from your handsome rescuer will cheer you up, _my lady_." He puckered his lips and leaned in. (15)

"When did this start again?" she demanded.

"When I found out you were over 5,000 years old, my lady," Chat gave her the creepiest bedroom eyes she had ever seen, "but to me, you don't look a day over 30."

"5,000? I'm not-"

"Is it true, Ladybug?" Alya appeared from behind, recording with her phone, "Are you, in fact, over 5,000 years old and should I, therefore, stop my investigation into whether you are a local high school student?"

Ladybug looked at Alya. Then Chat Noir. Then Alya. Then Chat Noir. Then Alya. Then Chat Noir. Then Heli-Chopper, who waved. Then Chat Noir. Then Alya. Then Alya.

"Yes," she walked away.

"That's hot," purred Chat Noir.

* * *

 _Later that night:_

"So, you're saying that the superhero Ladybug has existed around the world for thousands of years?" Marinette finished triple securing the roof support beams and slid into bed.

Tikki laughed kindly from the bedpost, "Oh, Marinette, I've existed since the beginning of time. Damned to always be attached to a measly human in order to protect the unworthy."

"I guess you've worked with plenty of Ladybugs who were a lot less clumsy than me, huh?" Marinette said with a hint of disappointment. She froze when Tikki floated down to face her. For once, the Kwami wasn't smiling, and for someone reason… she seemed _less_ scary.

"To be honest, I was planning on devouring both you and your friend's souls after you faced that Pharaoh today."

Marinette yelped and hid under her blankets.

"But then, you showed me there was another way," Tikki continued. "I know now in order for me to be freed from this horrid existence we must find Thomas Astruc again. For that, I am grateful."

Marinette peeked at the demon and saw legitimate kindness on her face, "Y-you're welcome. Tikki, um… does this mean we're… _friends_?"

"Absolutely not," Tikki stated plainly. "It means I will think twice before resorting to consuming you as punishment. Perhaps possession would be better," she considered, "Anyway, sleep well. We'll hunt down that Astruc and free ourselves one day."

Tikki floated away, leaving Marinette to imagine the horrors of being possessed.

 **END** (16)

* * *

 _Remember, kids, the sooner you lose your virginity, the sooner you can't be sacrificed to the gods! Get cracking! But make sure there's no cracks in those condoms._

 _Heli-Chopper's wingspan is 10 feet, 3 inches._

* * *

Footnotes:

(#) YEAH, LIKE THAT.

(1) ...

(2) And torturer

(4) Modern Independent Liberated Female

(%) It was an official 'Paris' Last Sorry Attempt to Keep Reality TV Voting Shows Alive' Mireille tour bus

(6) Not to be confused with King Tutankhamun.

(7) Not to be confused with Princess Nefertiti

(8) Except Ra, apparently

(9) And it'd fuck him back

(&) _This is **the only reason** this episode is Egyptian themed!_

([]) If you can find any, send them my way. Otherwise I will write them myself!

(*) Unlike blond

(;) HA! Made you look!

(11) The End!

(12) Wham!

(13) Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law? (14)

(14) What do you call it when your father-in-law goes indoors?... An inside joke.

(15) SLAP!

(16) For real this time


	4. 4 The Pigeonman Rises

REQUIRED READING:

"Bustier"  
Bus·tier (ˈbo͞ostēā,ˈbəstēā/)  
 _noun_

Definition: a close-fitting strapless top worn by women. Often associated with a sexually appealing bra.

* * *

 _A/N: Some have pointed out that I write the French "Chat Noir" instead of the Americanized "Cat Noir"..._

 _I do that because "Chat" looks like "Shat." No other reason._

 _But I understand this is a sticking point for some fans. So, in respect, for this chapter only, I will write "Chat Noir" as "Cat Noir"..._

 _In Korean._

* * *

PROLOGUE

" _We have arrived at the Charles De Gaulle International airport, also known as Roissy Airport. The local time is 9:15 am. We know you had many choices in your airline provider and we're glad you chose AirFrance. Welcome to Paris. Feel free to use your electronic devices," happily chirped the pilot._

 _I turned Lappy on, my gaze trained on the window._

" _You did what you had to. It was necessary for the plot," Lappy tried to comfort me._

" _It's one of the stupidest things I've ever written," I sighed._

" _And it also properly introduced half a dozen recurring characters, Marinette's fashion passion and Chloe's whole attitude problem. I know you dreaded uploading this chapter, but it's over now. We can move on…" its digital voice trailed off as it saw the Eiffel Tower in the distance, "I Write Big, why are we in France?"_

" _I need to know why. I need to ask Thomas Astruc why he wrote 'Mr. Pigeon,'" I grabbed my carry-on and disembarked. "I've already tried twitter, but he's not responding. We're not leaving until we find him."_

" _Dude… you're scaring me."_

 _I ignored Lappy and put it in my bag. Donning my beret, I marched through customs and turned my phone back on._

 _BEEP!_

 _There was a notification on the Astruc feed… 'at RoissyAirport boarding for LAX! Gonna be in America for a couple months to promote next season of #MLCN! See you tomorrow!' My eyes shot open and quickly looked at the time of the post…_ **2 minutes ago.**

 _Departures was just beyond, guarded by several dozen armed members of whatever France called their TSA._

" _Finally, after all these years," marveled the harmless old lady in front of me. She was about to hand over her passport to the customs official. "I've been dreaming of coming to this beautiful city for my entire life."_

" _Bomb!" I screamed at the top of my lungs. "She's got a bomb!"_

 _Everyone screamed and jumped back, except the old lady who for some reason thought I was trying to talk to her._

" _Huh, what was that, sonny? My hearing isn't what is used to be."_

 _I made sure I was loud enough for security to hear, "You just said you've been dreaming of bombing this airport for your entire life!"_

" _Oh, that's right," the deaf lady agreed, "I've waiting for the right moment, what with saving for retirement and all-"_

 _She was immediately tackled by every security agent in the room. All the travelers erupted in a mass panic and desperately tried to get out of the terminal._

 _Slipping between the gates, I beelined for the departures. All the security meant to keep me out were too busy trying to maintain calm. Scanning the information screens, I was able to narrow down the gates and pushed my way against the terrified masses. Others were taking the opportunity to raid the mini-stores of food and knick-knacks. One genius ran past me with a stolen ten pound Toblerone bar. Another just seemed to be screaming at the wall._

 _Jumping across the complimentary waiting chairs, I grabbed onto the gate podium. "How long has the flight to LAX been grounded for?"_

" _Grounded?" the oddly calm flight attendant asked. "It hasn't been grounded, sir. It just took off. In fact, that's it right now." On cue, a plane rose into the sky behind her._

" _Took off?! Shouldn't all flights be on hold?! There was a bomb threat!"_

" _Who said bomb?" demanded a security guard._

" _She did!" I quickly pointed at the flight attendant._

 _As security arrested the helpful flight attendant, I reminded myself that I had spent most of my savings on this flight. Also, in my haste, I had neglected to purchase a round trip ticket. It was years of this kind of abrupt and poor financial planning that had resulted in my double digit credit score._

 _With shaky feet I picked up the only belongings I had left to my name and headed for the exit. "Welp, Lappy, I guess we live here now."_

...TO BE CONTINUED...

* * *

 _Chapter 4_

 **The Pigeon Man Rises**

By: I Write Big

What defines people are their dreams.

What they dedicate their life's pursuit towards shapes the paths they will take and the paths they will ignore. Some have spent decades searching for a dream, others are born knowing exactly what they want to do.

Marinette was of the latter group. Since she could walk, she wanted to be a _fashion designer_! She had the talent and the ambition, however, she also had one unique handicap…

It all started when a young, bright-eyed Marinette made a pair of warm mittens for the mailman in the winter. Somehow... they grafted themselves to his skin and had to be surgically removed. He now only has seven fingers.

Marinette didn't hear about this until after she had put together her first pair of high heels. She gave them to a long time customer as thanks for being so loyal to the bakery. Somehow… they permanently reshaped the customer's feet so she could only walk on her toes.

Finally, Marinette crafted a belt for her babysitter. It was a gaudy thing covered in the sequins, glitter and plastic gems that toddlers can find in any Art class. Her babysitter was grateful though and promised to wear it every time they visited. The babysitter was found a day later in a ditch, sliced in half along the waist.

She was wearing Marinette's belt.

It was at this point that little Marinette earned her notorious nickname in the fashion community… The Woeful Marinette Designer or WMD for short. Every model she worked with was either horribly maimed or killed… always.

Fearing that her fashion desires would bring only destruction and pain, Marinette settled for only pursuing fashion as a hobby. Only doing sketches for fun. Never in a million years would she be so bold as to come up the next great fashion statement.

"That's right," announced the bushy bearded Principal Damocles, "instead of teaching you anything today, you have ten hours to come up with the next great fashion statement!"

The students stared at the man as they realized they all could've ditched school that day before pulling out their smartphones and going online.

All except Marinette, of course, who was quaking with fear in her seat.

Damocles cleared his throat and turned to the teacher. "If you could turn on the projector, Miss Bustier."

All the boys, at the same time, looked up from their smartphones. "Our sexy teacher's name is _what?_ " squeaked Nino.

"What kind of teacher am I, Nino?" asked the supermodel turned homeroom teacher, giving the young man a sultry wink.

"Nothing!"

All the boys at the same time, uncomfortably crossed their legs.

The woman chuckled at their pubescent misfortune and started the projector. "The winner will be decided by none of other than the great fashion designer Gabriel Agreste," Damocles explained, pointing to the displayed headshot of the cold lifeless face the Night King from Game of Thrones.

"Father?" Adrien leapt to his feet while covering his crotch, "He's coming _here_? Where _I'll_ be? _At the same time?!_ "

"That's what I said."

Adrien's happiness couldn't be contained and he joined Marinette in bouncing in his seat.

"And that's not all! The winning design will be modeled by you, Adrien, in your next photoshoot," Damocles continued.

"No!" the intensity of Marinette's fear quaking increased tenfold.

"Wait, what? I didn't agree to that!" protested Adrien.

"Is he really?" Miss Bustier raised a smoky eyebrow, "Then let's all pray that the theme is speedos."

All the girls, at the same time, looked up from their smartphones.

"Sadly, Miss Bustier," Damocles said, turning to the next slide, "this year's theme is… derby hats."

Groans of disappointment emanated from the girls.

Adrien sighed in relief.

"Does he have to wear anything else?" asked Miss Bustier, predatorily licking her lips.

* * *

"Of course this would happen!" the blue-haired girl rubbed her wrench wound with her sketchbook. "This isn't normal! What kind of school puts off an entire day so the students can make a _hat_?! There is something very wrong here!"

"Should this go on my Irony Blog or my Ranting at Life Blog," Alya asked while adjusting the focus from her seat on the school bench.

Marinette started tugging her hair, "How are you not worried? It's not enough that innocent strangers get killed by my clothes but now the boy that I love is next on the chopping block! And he's rich, so I'll definitely get arrested for manslaughter this time! My fashion career will be nothing but designing inmate uniforms! AH! WHY DOES LIFE HAVE TO TASTE PURPLE!"

Marinette collapsed under the pressure, her face landing between Alya's thighs.

"Whoa!" Alya blushed, not altogether hating what she was feeling.

"Hey, girls," greeted Adrien.

"We weren't doing nothing!" Alya threw Marinette away and avoided all eye contact with the blond. Adrien picked up Marinette's sketchbook.

"Nice designs. You make these, Alya?" he asked.

"Nope! Marinette did those! I like guys!" she screamed uncontrollably.

Adrien and Marinette stared at her, "Okay… well, Marinette, you're very talented."

"Y-y-you think so?" Marinette stuttered.

"Absolutely. As my father would say," Adrien quoted, "'to rise above the low-minded stock from which you are bred is commendable.' I think you could win."

Marinette melted under the praise from the handsome boy, "I-uh-he-tank-mer-thanks!"

"He wouldn't approve of the speech impediment, though. I can't wait until he gets here," Adrien left the girl, his eyes twinkling, "We'll have gelato and he'll tell me he loves me and do other father-son things!"

Marinette hugged Alya with joy, accidentally smushing the face of the poor, confused girl to her chest. "You hear that, Alya? Adrien thinks I can win!"

Alya whimpered.

"You're right!" she smashed Alya even more tightly to her chest, "I shouldn't let fear hold me back! I'm the only one who can end this bad luck! You convinced me! I'll do it!"

Alya fainted.

Across the school yard, the queen bitch known as Chloe was getting intel from from her friend/personal bitch Sabrina.

"I just got an update from one of Alya's blogs," Sabrina read off her smartphone. "'Why are boobs so soft? Also, Adrien is favoring Marinette to win the Derby Hat competition.'"

"Are you sure?"

"Wiki-Leaks confirms it," nodded Sabrina.

"That means this contest is rigged," Chloe growled, "But so was Uncle Donald's election. If he turned that around, so can I."

"Um, Chloe, this is just a hat contest. Does it really matter?" Sabrina raised an eyebrow.

"MATTER? ARE YOU SAYING THAT I'M SO DAMN RICH AND UNLOVED THAT I NEED TO VALIDATE MY EXISTENCE BY RUINING THE LIVES OF OTHERS? ARE YOU SAYING ME LAUGHING AT OTHERS MAKES ME FEEL BETTER ABOUT MY OWN INSECURITIES BECAUSE I CAN LAUGH AT EVERYONE ELSE INSTEAD OF CRYING ABOUT MY FAULTS? ARE YOU SAYING I HAVE A PROBLEM?" screamed Chloe, her eye twitching wildly.

"Yes! Please punish me!" the bespectacled girl eagerly begged on her knees while drooling a little.

"Later," Chloe cleared her throat, "Sabrina, do all the work and steal one of Marinette's designs."

"Are you going to take all the credit?" the girl longingly asked, wiping away the drool.

"What kind of friend would I be if I didn't?"

* * *

"Jeez, it's hard to be creative and not include something potentially lethal under pressure," Marinette sat under the Eiffel tower with her sketchpad, the current page holding a bland derby hat.

"It really isn't," Tikki corrected from her purse. "Think of all the underpaid writers that put out the merde we see on TV every day. They don't have parents that put them up and feed them. They get to live because they shut their mouths and _do the work_ ," she smiled sweetly.

Marinette trembled under the creature's inhuman watch.

"Okay, I'm doing the work, I'm doing the work," she rambled and quickly went back to drawing.

Over the next couple minutes a little pile of crumbled up sketches grew at Marinette's side. She was in the zone. She only had to mentally remind herself she was right-handed three times. The ideas kept flowing but no matter what she drew, Marinette felt they were too dangerous. _The ribbon could strangle him, the glitter could melt his eyes, cotton is too flammable._ It was no use! Every hat was a murder waiting to happen.

Her attention was then caught by a strange man walking like a chicken.

"What the fuck?" she appropriately reacted.

The odd man roosted on a bench and blew on a bird caller that hanged around his neck. Immediately, a flock of pigeons gathered before him.

"Yes, my friends," he said, "come, feast upon my corn." He threw a handful of corn from a bag to the hungry birds. One landed on his arm and he petted it affectionately. "Hello, cousin Abella, your feathers look exceptionally lovely this day. Oh, how glad I am to have dedicated my life to feeding birds rather than associating with _**humans**_." The man ended his speech with a bird mating call, "Rroooo!"

"What… the… fuck…?" Marinette amended her previous comment.

"Not on my watch, Pigeonman!" proclaimed a brave voice. A husky police officer kicked his way through the birds, forcing them to fly away.

"No! Camille! Laci Ann! Come back," tweeted the Pigeonman. "How dare you treat my family like this, Officer Roger. Jealous you don't have a beak, is that it?"

"I'm on to you, bub," Roger claimed, confiscating the bag of corn, "going from park to park, feeding birds without a care. You don't think I don't know what you're doing?"

"Uh..."

"You're strengthening your alliance with the flying vermin so you can train them to carry people through the air," accused the policeman. "You intend to upend the airplane industry!"

"Fuck the what?" Marinette contributed.

"How could you say that?" the odd man asked, "Planes are the closest way I'll ever get to actually flying!"

"You'd better clear out of here, Pigeonman."

"My name is Mr. Ramier and I identify as a bird! This is discrimination!"

"And don't let me catch you again. Carrying a firearm is optional for a policeman in Paris," Roger pulled out his pistol and fired a round into the air, " _And I chose yes._ "

Mr. Ramier gulped and chicken ran away.

Marinette and Tikki blinked, both unsure what just happened.

"How about a bird themed hat?" Tikki broke the silence.

"Eh, I think I should look back at my previous ideas before I resort to _that_." Marinette reached towards her discard pile only for a military drone with a smoking bullet hole in its American flag sticker to crash into it. The pile burned to a crisp in a matter of seconds.

"Bird hat it is," Marinette relented, scooting away from the fire.

* * *

Meanwhile, in a tower hidden somewhere in Paris, Hawkmoth sensed Mr. Ramier's distress.

"Oh dear, this will not do," Hawkmoth shook his head with genuine care and concern, "a fellow animal lover kept from what he cares for most. We'll fix that won't we, my little Akumas?"

He released a sickly black butterfly and it flew out the window.

Making its way across the city, the Akuma landed on Mr. Ramier's bird caller and exploded.

"Holy Merde! Who's been feeding the butterflies rice?!" Ramier squaked.

A pair of fashionable neon pink, butterfly sunglasses appeared on his face and he heard a deep voice.

"How's it going, buddy?" he saw a silver masked face before him with the most welcome of smiles. "I like flying animals too, mostly butterflies and moths. Let's be friends. Hey, you know what friends do for each other? Favors!" A pair of ladybug earrings and a black cat ring appeared around him. "You help me out by stealing some stuff from little kids, and I'll use my evil, unholy powers to give you the darkness you so desire."

"Darkness," Ramier gleefully smiled.

"Oh, you think darkness is your ally. But you will merely adopt the dark. I was born in it, moulded by it. I didn't see the light until I was already a man, by then it was nothing to me but blinding! What do you say?"

Mr. Ramier chirped.

Hawkmoth waited for him to continue but got nothing.

"I'll take that as a yes."

Bubbling darkness covered Mr. Ramier and he became the great and formidable _Mr. Pigeon_!

Mr. Pigeon leapt onto the back of the bench and hooted loudly into the air! He jumped forward, waving his arms like a bird!

And landed flat on his face.

"Forgot to mention," added Hawkmoth, "you can't fly, so don't try."

He waited for a response but got nothing.

"Hello?"

* * *

Marinette scribbled and scrawled like a true Picasso… but with hats. She didn't care what Tikki said, _this was hard._

"Done. I think this is as non-murdery of a hat as I can get," she hoped, holding her bird themed derby hat high for everyone to see.

"Not bad..." commended an onlooker.

"Rather suave..." added another.

"Who the hell wears derby hats?" questioned a third.

Marinette shrunk under the criticism and was so distressed that she didn't notice Sabrina taking a picture of her design over her shoulder and run away.

Sabrina presented the picture to Chloe, who was busy doing absolutely nothing _ **,**_ and said "Target acquired."

"Looks like all my hard work paid off," Chloe said, "while you were lazing about." She shoved Sabrina off her feet who then shuddered in ecstasy.

"Thank you..." Sabrina moaned with smile.

"Eh, what are friends for?" Chloe asked rhetorically and stepped on Sabrina's hand.

* * *

Marinette rushed home, locked the doors, secured the windows and reinforced the support beams. If she was going to make a deathproof hat for the man she loved, she sanely reasoned the universe would surely try to stop her.

She found, strangely, that _nothing_ got in her way. Her scissors didn't shatter, her stitches didn't come undone. Even the one weekly apple Tikki allowed her to eat so she could be skinny enough to fit into the far too small Ladybug costume was ripe and tasted yellow.

She looked down with apprehension at her near perfect derby hat, completed just like in her drawing. Everything had gone _too_ well and that filled her with unease. _What's going on?_

"As always, you are a wellspring of disappointment, Marinette," Tikki sweetly pointed to her sketch.

"Sacre Bleu, I forgot the feather!" she screamed and ran out of the house.

* * *

Unfortunately for the girl, the feather store union had called a strike that day, forcing Marinette to search for one on her own. "This is how the universe is messing with me today," Marinette madly muttered to herself as she ran towards the Eiffel tower. "I make a _bird_ hat and somehow it just slips my concussed mind that I need a fucking _feather_!"

In her rage, she punted a bird, which dropped several beautiful feathers.

"Perfect!" she grabbed the prizes, wiped off the corn, and turned home. Only to run headfirst into what felt like a brick wall.

She looked up to find the brick wall had the face of _Officer Roger_.

"Merde..."

The two locked eyes. Marinette's heart sped up as he investigated her face.

"Say," he said with growing recognition, "don't I know you?"

"We have never met, Officer Roger," she gritted her teeth at her flub.

"Oh! My mistake. I thought you were someone who went to my daughter's school," Roger laughed.

Marinette joined the unstable man with a forced chuckle. "I've never heard of Sabrina. Gotta go, bye!"

He abruptly stopped laughing and laid into Marinette with a haunting glare. "But wait! If you're not her, then that means you're… _The Eiffel Tower Vandal!_ " he accused with a dramatic point of his finger.

Marinette stared at the finger with a guilty face.

She calmly stuck one of her feathers onto his chest and patted it in place, much to the officer's confusion. "There, now you're wearing a Woeful Marinette Design." Almost immediately, a flock of pigeons came upon Roger and carried him off to no doubt be pre-chewed and fed to baby chicks.

Officer Roger's police cap fell off and gently landed on Marinette's head, who then calmly turned away as a crowd watched in horror. She climbed onto a waiting bus and took a seat.

"I guess bad luck has its perks," she said, examining her newly acquired feathers.

 _Seems like things are finally going my way._

* * *

Things were not going Marinette's way. In fact, things were not going at all.

"Why is the bus not moving?" wondered Marinette.

"Sorry, folks," called the driver, "You gotta get off here. No refunds."

Marinette stepped out and gawked at what could only be described as a twelve truck/pigeon pileup. The intersection was clogged with crashed cars covered with cooing pigeons.

"How did this even happen?" demanded Marinette.

 _ABOUT A MINUTE AGO_

A truck driver was eating a baguette behind the wheel of his eighteen-wheeler when a pigeon landed on the road ahead of him.

"Oh no!" he frantically slammed on the brakes and honked the horn. "Get off the road! Look out!"

"Oh my Astruc, pigeon, get out of there," cried a scared child.

The poor pigeon was looking the other way! The driver had no choice! He cranked the wheel to the side and said a prayer.

The truck swerved and hit a pothole. The momentum launched the entire vehicle over the bird, smashing in the middle of the intersection, crushing several cars.

The truck driver's eyes briefly fluttered open as his upside down cabin filled with smoke. He spotted the pigeon, alive and well, waddle up next to him.

"At least you're okay," he coughed.

The pigeon appreciated the thought and pecked his forehead.

 _NOW_

"Must've been serious," Marinette said, watching the truck burn. She was a bit weirded out by the thousands of pigeons covering everything, but she figured they were better than having butterflies everywhere and headed for home on foot.

"This just in," the only jumbotron in Paris burst to life with a news report and caught her attention. "Paris has been overrun with pigeons. Several park keepers have been taken hostage. Among the kidnapped is also the only armed police officer of Paris. The avion criminal leader, Mr. Pigeon, had this to say."

A grown man with a recently broken nose addressed the camera in a full body pigeon costume. "My pretties have taken park law into their wings. Cower as we control the skies and the ground! Roroooo!" The villain clucked sinisterly then proceeded to regurgitate chewed up birdseed.

"The birds are taking the park keepers?" exclaimed one viewer.

"What ever shall we do?" asked another.

"Let's loot!"

The crowd cheered in agreement and stole the jumbotron.

Marinette watched the chaos unfold. "Should I stop them or…?"

"Humanity is its own source of misery," Tikki giggled without guilt, "Your job is to exorcise the possessed ones, nothing more."

"But this Mr. Pigeon seems like a big joke. I think protecting Parisians from looters is-"

" _Don't question me, Marinette,_ " Tikki breathed while straining to maintain her smile.

Marinette's blood ran cold and she quickly nodded, which seemed to calm the polkadotted horror that lived in her bag.

"Good," Tikki smiled, "Let's get that evil Mr. Pigeon."

"Tikki, s-s-spots on," she stuttered and in a flourish of red transformed into Ladybug.

* * *

Ladybug figured the roofs were the best place to start looking for this bird villain and started to swing up. About five floors from the ground, she heard what sounded like a miniature explosion followed by the yell of a familiar voice approaching her from above.

She sighed in resignation and turned her empty gaze towards the sky just in time to see a falling 고양이 누아르 latch onto her neck.

"Phew! Lucky catch, bugaboo. Another second I would've been a cat pancake."

"Klkkchrlrressh!" gurgled Ladybug through her restricted windpipe as she rapidly scaled the building.

"How do you like the new nickname, by the way? Originally, I was gonna do LB but bugaboo sounds cuter."

In lieu of an answer, Ladybug tossed 고양이 누아르 onto the roof and coughed repeatedly, trying to get air back into her lungs. "Need mouth to mouth?" 고양이 누아르 smartly asked.

She clenched her fists, ready to give him a piece of her mind, when she spied a crater in the roof. A deep buzzing noise brought her attention to the clouds where she found _a fleet of fighter planes completely made of pigeons!_

She grabbed 고양이 누아르 and pulled him behind a chimney. "What are those pigeon planes doing? Dropping bombs?"

"Bombs? Why would you think that?"

She nodded towards the deep, cracked crater.

"Oh! No, I have severe feather allergies. I sneezed."

Ladybug stared at him and pointed at the crater, "You _sneezed_?"

"Super powers… Ah...AH-CHOO!"

Ladybug gaped as he blew his load so hard it ripped the chimney off the roof!

"Cool! Free chimney!" thanked a looter below.

"Super sneezes, I guess," 고양이 누아르 finished through a clogged nose. "Good thing that the park keepers are gone, or I'd be in trouble."

Ladybug's eyes widened as she got an idea.

 _Later:_

Paris was in flames. The looting had devolved into bloodsport as sections of the city were claimed by newly risen gangs. Ladybug could only watch this mindless violence as 고양이 누아르 breakdanced in Officer Roger's cap.

"고양이 누아르, do you think we have our priorities backwards on this one?"

"What was that? You want me to do a backflip? Gladly."

"Yo, the hell is this?" a leather jacket clad greaser stepped out in the open. He was flanked by equally leathery and greasy thugs. "You moving in on our dancing turf, cat-boy? This corner belongs to the Parisian Prancers!"

"Fuck it does!" a group of red scarved, tights wearing dancers appeared. Their spandex wearing leader struck a pose. "This is French Frolickers' land, bitch!"

"You wanna go, Frolickers? Come on!"

고양이 누아르 and Ladybug watched as the two dancing troupes proceeded to beat the ever living merde out of each other with well timed plies and jetés.

"Plan B," Ladybug said before slapping a feather on 고양이 누아르.

"What the?" in seconds, a ball of pigeons lifted him up. Ladybug followed his screams of terror across the city until the ball stopped over a glass ceilinged building.

"ACHOO!" the ball exploded into various pigeon chunks and 고양이 누아르 fell out. "Huh, I guess I got _carried away_."

Ladybug's instincts kicked in and she dove at the terrible punner, only for a giant bird cage to drop on top of both of them!

"Rroohoohohooo!" the formidable Mr. Pigeon drifted into view. "You two have fallen for my trap!"

"Where the hell did these birds get a cage and what's with these villains and trapping us _together_?!" demanded Ladybug.

"Hey, I ain't complaining." 고양이 누아르 smiled, "The cage makes it kinda kinky."

"Surrender your Miraculous, fools! Or face the wrath of my pigeon army's all-corn diet!" at their general's command, every pigeon aimed their feathered tails at our heroes.

 _Meanwhile, back in the Hidden Tower:_

"I really need to start pre-screening my minions," Hawkmoth palmed his head in shame.

 _And now back to the fight:_

"See, this is what I'm talking about!" Ladybug threw her hands in the air, "We're up here dealing with someone who's worst threat is literal merde. Meanwhile, Paris is burning to the ground!"

"It's not burning to the ground," scoffed 고양이 누아르.

The building across the street burned to the ground.

"Okay… you may have a-a-a-" 고양이 누아르 took a deep breath. Ladybug ducked.

"ACHOOOO!"

Hurricane-like winds erupted from 고양이 누아르's nose, propelling the 300 pound cast iron cage into the sky. The cage struck a wing of one of the pigeon planes. The animal-aircraft hybrid's engine caught fire and went down in a feathery blaze.

"Cool! Free pigeon-plane!" cheered a looter.

"Rrrooooo! My pretties!" the distraught Mr. Pigeon grabbed onto a passing pigeon-plane and flew towards the wreckage.

"What has my life become?" Ladybug asked nobody.

"One filled with endless possibilities," answered 고양이 누아르 draping his arm on her shoulder. "And me."

The iron cage came back down, smashing the glass floor beneath them.

Through multiple floors the two heroes fell, the great cage tearing new holes for them. On one floor, Ladybug could've sworn she saw a blond version of herself hogtieing a gagged ginger version of 고양이 누아르.

Ladybug comfortably landed on the lushest silk couch in all of Paris, which cradled her descent.

고양이 누아르 smashed through the glass table in front of it, which pierced his face in many places.

"Ladybug! 고양이 누아르! Thank Astruc you're here!" the no-chinned Mayor Bourgeois sprung from his safe place under his desk. "What should I do? The Paris Prancers and the French Frolickers have joined forces and are tearing down my front door! Should I ban pigeons in Paris like we did butterflies?"

"ACHOO!" a hurricane of glass shards fired at the mayor and pinned him to the wall.

"Sorry..."

"Oh that's quite alright. But what are we going to do? Who will protect my darling daughter Chloe? We have no order without any park keepers!"

Two park keepers burst into the office waving their batons. "We heard a sneeze!"

Ladybug stared at them, "Mayor, why are there park keepers here?"

"As the Mayor of Paris, I always have at least two park keepers with me at all times," he explained like it was obvious. "They are the true protectors of the city."

"Right, sure." Ladybug slapped some feathers on them and called up through the ceiling hole, "You missed some!" A flock of pigeons flew down and grabbed the keepers. "Come on, 고양이 누아르, hopefully this time they'll lead us to Mr. Pigeon."

With that, they chased after the birds.

"Wait! What about me?" protested the mounted Mayor.

"You?" a lispy voice came from the unguarded door. The Prench Prolickers appeared with a fresh pair of spandex, "You, sugar daddy, are gonna frolick with the big boys."

* * *

Ladybug and 고양이 누아르 soon found themselves on the roof of the Grand Palais where they could see every one of the city's park keepers, and Roger, trapped in a cage.

"Oohoohoo, how does it feel, Roger?" Mr. Pigeon tossed corn from from the rafters, "How does it feel to see me feeding my pretties when you can't do anything about it?"

"Give me my gun back and say that again!" ranted Roger as he watched several pigeons peck his pistol. His useless bullets laid scattered across the floor.

Ladybug opened the skylight and whispered, "He doesn't know we're here."

"Right."

"We've got the element of surprise. Nothing fancy, just get behind him and knock him out. Got it?"

" _Purrrr_ fectly."

Ladybug's eye twitched. The rage flowed through her. She shoved 고양이 누아르 through the skylight.

"AAAGGH!" the feline hero fell flat on the rafter right behind Mr. Pigeon, announcing their presence to everyone.

"Roohooohooo, how nice of you to _drop_ by," the villain laughed before diving down to the floor with the heroes close on his tail. He blew into his caller and the thousands of pigeons gathered onto his arms, transforming his fists into great feathered wrecking balls!

With a swift one-two punch, he sent both of them skidding across the building. With them slid Roger's weapon. "My precious!" Roger exclaimed and stretched his meaty arms through the bars. He just barely couldn't reach it.

"Geez, he suddenly packs a punch," 고양이 누아르 observed, spitting some feathers out of his mouth into Ladybug's face.

Having had enough feathers for a day, Ladybug threw her yo-yo into the air, "Lucky Charm!" and down came a ladybug-themed coin! "A coin? How exactly does me throwing a coin at him-"

"My lady!" 고양이 누아르 grabbed her shoulders, "Not everything can be solved by throwing your Lucky Charm at it. Your powers summoned a coin for a reason. You have to think!"

 _Think?_

The concept echoed around her mind. A cold rush ran through Ladybug's body. Suddenly, the world froze in time and was drained of all color. Despite the sudden change, she didn't feel scared. She was calm. Her thoughts were clear. She could see everything with utmost clarity.

Their opponent used… PIGEONS!

Pigeons like... CORN!

Her vision unnaturally zoomed across the room to a vending machine. Sitting in there was one last bag of… POPCORN!

With a clear plan in her head, Ladybug charged! She faked out a pigeon punch while wrapping her yo-yo thread around Mr. Pigeon's ankle! Bouncing off a pillar, she swung around a ceiling support beam, leaving a trail of string! Back on the ground, she cartwheeled her way to the vending machine and held out the ladybug coin!

BANG!

Ladybug stared at the ripped open scrap of metal that used to be her Lucky Charm. The vending machine in front of her flickered off as electricity crackled from its fresh bullet hole. Across the Palais, Roger blew on the smoking end of his pistol, "Sorry, Ladybug, we don't tolerate counterfeit money here. That would be _non-cents_." He holstered his weapon, "Lucky for you, I always keep a spare bullet on me, just in case."

"...Non-cents..." her wrench wound pulsed uncontrollably and she ran at Officer Roger. Consequently, her yo-yo string tightened, flipping Mr. Pigeon upside-down. His bird caller tumbled out.

"LB, the caller! Grab it!" 고양이 누아르 shouted.

Ladybug did not grab the akumatized object. She ran right past the thing and instead grabbed a pigeon. She kept running, her string dragging behind her. The poor Mr. Pigeon painfully twirled around the ceiling support beam.

"Bugaboo, what are you-" she shoved the pigeon in 고양이 누아르's face. She picked him up and pointed the boy like a weapon at the back of the cage.

"How's this for _non-cents?!_ " she punched his gut forcing him to take a deep breath of feathers.

"A-A-ACHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

The cage and the prisoners inside were flung by what felt like a tornado straight at the tangled Mr. Pigeon.

"Oh, rrrooo me," he gulped.

SMASH!

As the dust cleared, Ladybug stood triumphant with a feather covered 고양이 누아르 bazooka on her shoulder.

"Whoa, talk about killing two birds with one stone," smirked 고양이 누아르.

She dropped him on his smug face.

* * *

With the park keepers back in their parks, it was only a matter of hours before order was restored to war torn Paris. And it was only a matter of minutes before Marinette's derby hat was due!

Alya impatiently tapped her foot at their presentation stand, "Ooh, where is that girl?" The rest of the students were already showing off their hats to each other.

Adrien was giddily waiting by the school door. "Father should be here in three… two… one!" Nathalie walked in. "Nathalie? You were my father the whole time?!" Adrien fell to the ground and scrambled back as he slowly realized the truth, "No... that can't be true! That's impossible! NOOOOOO! NOOOOOO!" Adrien screamed to the heavens.

Nathalie sighed and held up a tablet. On the screen was a live feed of Mr. Agreste getting a gold leaf facial, "Let's get this charity thing over with."

"Father!" Adrien bearhugged the tablet.

"Hello, son of my second secret family. Nathalie, hug," he ordered.

Nathalie rolled her eyes and patted Adrien on the head.

An exhausted Marinette rushed past the sad excuse of a family reunion and slammed her hat on the podium, "Made it!" She reached for Alya, "I'm not too late, am I?"

Alya side-stepped her reach with a blush, "No more girl touching! Back, succubus!"

"What?"

"I mean… hey, look! Your hat is exactly like Chloe's!"

Marinette spun around and saw Chloe sneering at her over an identical derby hat.

"But how is that possible…?" Marinette whispered.

"That's what I'd like to know," said Mr. Agreste. "So far, these two entries are the only ones with more soul than my sentient doorbell and it's obvious that one copied the other."

"Well, it wasn't me!" whined Chloe, "I'm the Mayor's daughter. I'm too rich to steal from others."

"She brings up an excellent point," the fellow billionaire nodded.

Marinette folded her arms and took a deep breath. "Mr. Agreste, you may not know me but being such a huge fashion mogul, you may be familiar with my work. You've no doubt heard of the Woeful Marinette Design?"

The grown man's eyes shot open. " _The_ WMD? You?"

"Marinette Dupain-Cheng," she bowed. "Since my infamy precedes me, you should know what happens when someone wears one of _my_ designs."

"Hmm..." Mr. Agreste considered her words. "Miss Bourgeois, put on the hat."

"Huh? Why? What was all that 'WMD' stuff? What'll happen if I do that?" Chloe nervously stepped away.

Marinette smiled wickedly, "Nothing, if it _really_ is your design. Nothing at all."

The combination of Mr. Agreste's expectant frown and Marinette's far too eager, bloodthirsty grin was more than Chloe could handle. She looked at the stolen hat, her thoughts of the horrors the lower-middle class trash could've hidden in there made her legs shake. Had she snuck in razor blades? Snakes? Expired hairspray? She ran away screaming.

"Smart move," Mr. Agreste turned back to Marinette, "Marinette, you certainly have the skilled hands of a hatmaker. Congratulations, you're the winner."

"Yes! Suck it, Universe!" she shouted.

"Adrien will wear a slightly altered version to ensure his safety in our next advertising campaign. You will still get credit for the original, but zero compensation."

Marinette didn't care. She won her first fashion contest! By using her bad luck to her advantage! There was whole new world of open to her! Maybe she _could_ pursue a fashion career! Maybe she didn't _have_ to be a shut-in! Maybe…

"OH MY ASTRUC, ADRIEN TAKE OFF THE HAT!" she grabbed her hair in a panic.

"How come?" Adrien adjusted the headwear. "It looks good on- a-a-ACHOO!" Marinette numbly watched Adrien wipe his nose and take off the hat. "Sorry," he waved, "allergic to feathers."

The corner of Marinette's mouth spasmed for a second as her mind raced. _He has allergies_? _But he's perfect. He c-c-c-can't have allergies. Adrien's p-p-p-p-perfect…_ My _Adrien is perfect!_ MY _Adrien didn't sneeze! That's just my silly imagination! HAHAHAA! Stupid imagination, making me think_ MY _Adrien is anything short of_ PERFECT! _There's_ NOTHING _wrong with him and he shares_ NOTHING _in common with_ _고양이 누아르_ _! Least of all_ ALLERGIES! HEHEEHAHAAHAHAH!

"Girl, you okay?" Alya waved a hand in front of her blankly smiling face.

"Ouch..." Marinette croaked. Her nose started to bleed.

 **END**

* * *

 _This episode has been the bane of my existence. It has held my creativity back and I have no idea why!_

 _A MONTH! THIS PIECE OF MERDE TOOK ME A MONTH! NEVER AGAIN! NEVER AGAIN!_

 _On serious note, how exactly does a name like 'Miss Bustier' get past the censors on a kid's show? You google "Miss Bustier", you get three rows of images of the character then multiple rows of underwear models. And it doesn't help that the character is smoking hot! Those poor adolescent boys!_

 _Wait a minute! One of the students is her son?!... Oh, Miss Bustier, you're trying to seduce me, aren't you?_

Ahem… see you next time.


	5. 5 The Girl Who Skated Through Time

PROLOGUE

 _Day 7: It has become quite obvious that there's a shortage of peanut butter in Paris. I wonder if this phenomenon is secluded to the city, all of France or the European continent. I never knew how much I missed that nutty, creamy goodness until I was forced to integrate nutella into my diet._

 _Day 12: Perhaps it was my American roots that drew me to the McDonald's but the fast food restaurant has supplied me with a job. Since I speak English, I seem to be an invaluable employee for when tourists come in for a Royale with Cheese._

 _Day 28: I have secured lodging on the outskirts of the city with a kindly old man. He allows me to use his appliances as I see fit. He made it quite clear, though, I am never to enter his attic. I will be sneaking into his attic later tonight._

 _Day 29: Turns out the attic was where he kept his gravestone that tethered his spirit to the mortal coil. Due to my host's sudden absence and the equally sudden appearance of horrific demons, I believe I may have accidentally exorcised him and opened a gate to hell._

 _Day 31: A bus passed me today that was plastered with the animated face of Ladybug. Children around me excitedly cheered and chanted a French phrase which I later learned was… "Season 2...". I have a new mission in life. Until I install the wifi in my haunted house, I must avoid all spoilers._

…TO BE CONTINUED…

 _Chapter 5_

 **The Girl Who Skated Through Time**

By: I Write Big

Children look to their parents as a guide to what a healthy relationship should look like. Ideally, they would be raised by mature grown ups who exemplify love, compassion and respect. And this far into the story, I'm pretty sure you loyal readers know where I'm going with this.

"Well, with or without?" Marinette's mother, Sabine, examined her reflection while adjusting the delightful flower in her hair.

"Uh, mom, that's not a mirror. That's a bookshelf," Marinette pointed out.

"I know, but this is a kid's show, they won't notice," the chinese woman picked up the latest edition of 'Le Miz' and started using it as a hand mirror. "Now, flower or no flower."

Marinette had grown used to her mother's eccentricities and often tried to humor her. After all, it wasn't the woman's fault she was raised by a Chinese cult that held the view that Astruc created their existence as part of some sort of animated cartoon. It was a tiny sect compared to the almost planet spanning religion that believed Astruc created them for an as of yet unknown higher purpose. "You look perfect, mom, you don't have to be nervous for dad."

"You're right," her mother took a deep calming breath. "It's not every day that you celebrate 20 years of marriage. Which is something we both know but is necessary expositional dialogue."

"I've been meaning to ask you about that. What did you and dad do in the five years before I was born?"

Her mother smiled nostalgically.

 _20 YEARS AGO:_

"Up to your old tricks again, Bomb-Voyage?" a muscular blond stepped through the hole in the bank vault wall.

"Aha, Monsieur Incredible," greeted the giant chinned villain, a sack of stolen money in each hand. "Tonight, I have a _new_ trick for you! Say bonjour to my newly wedded accomplices: Zee Baker!"

A flour covered, thickly sideburned strongman dropped from the ceiling. He wielded a giant rolling pin and a round shield of stale bread!

"And his lovely wife: Zee Candlestick Maker!"

An oriental woman in a jade mask cartwheeled to her husband's side, swinging a candelabra.

"Starting a family business, Bomb Voyage?" the hero mocked, "How sweet."

Spearheads sprouted from the Candlestick Maker's candelabra and the duo charged!

NOW:

"I'll tell you when you're older," her mother chuckled.

"Remember, honey," her father instructed, "you can do whatever you like, as long as you're here in 30 minutes to give that cake to Mrs. Chamack."

"Why do I know that name?" asked Marinette.

"She's little Manon's mom. You know, the one you babysat not too long ago," her mother smiled.

All color drained from Marinette's face. Her parents, though, were too distracted with their anniversary plans to notice and left. Marinette, now completely alone, turned to the Eiffel tower style cake meant for Mrs. Chamack… _and Manon._

The world around Marinette lost all saturation as the girl entered, what she had dubbed, her Lucky Vision.

On the counter was a convenient bottle of… LAXATIVES!

Next to that was the family's emergency stash of… RAT POISON!

It was on top of an oddly placed box of… CYANIDE!

… _.It would be so easy…._

Marinette's hand trembled as she reached for one of the three weapons. Which one? She hadn't decided yet. _WHY NOT ALL THREE?!_

"What are you doing, Marinette?" Tikki popped into existence in front of her.

The girl stopped, "Just need to do… math homework." She grabbed the math textbook next to the cake and ran upstairs.

Later at a fancy restaurant:

While the waiter brought them to their table, Mr. and Mrs. Dupain-Cheng were eyeing up the wealthy diners.

"I will be back to take your drink orders," the waiter departed with a bow.

The misses shivered in delight, "Twenty-nine gold necklaces, three dozen diamond rings."

"And each and every one has a fat wallet ready for tips," he grinned at his wife.

"Oh, Tom, this is the best wedding anniversary gift ever!" she stroked his hands lovingly before reaching for the jade mask in her purse.

"Hold on," Tom kindly waved to a little girl across the room. "That's one of Marinette's classmates. We should wait until they leave."

Across the restaurant:

Alix finished waving to Mr. Dupain-Cheng and turned to her father, "That's Marinette's dad, one of the chicks I hang out with."

"Ah, yes, I recall those two," Mr. Kubdel nodded and steepled his fingers in the strange way she saw every day, "Such kind and harmless people. Always _dressing nicely_ when they go out."

Alix folded her arms, trying to hide the black and neon green athletic outfit she had thrown on that morning. "Dad, come on, it's my birthday, I can dress how I like."

"Oh, but that's where you're wrong. This isn't just any birthday," her father reached into his jacket which peaked the girl's interest, "It's your _fifteenth_ birthday. That means, you're ready..." He pulled out a silver pocket watch and slid it towards her. "Alix, I've come to terms with that fact that your older brother Jalil will never provide me with grandchildren."

MEANWHILE AT THE LOUVRE:

Jalil sat at a candlelit table with his arm draped sensually around a sarcophagus. He raised a half empty bottle of wine and said to nobody, "It's not necrophilia if it's a mummy!"

BACK AT THE RESTAURANT:

"Which means I am bestowing the family heirloom to you."

Alix frowned at the lame gift, "Thanks for the… cool watch, dad, but I already have a watch which connects to my phone which connects to my tablet which connects to my wireless headphones which connect to my-"

"This is no ordinary watch," the man smiled, "this item marks who we are on this planet. Our ancestors were… _ahead of their time."_

Mr. Kubdel pressed the face of the watch and it popped open. A magnificent blue glow emanated from the device and a hologram of a tiny victorian woman appeared. "Good day, new master, to _when_ shall we go?" it inquired.

Alix's heart stopped as the new impossible technology stood before her. Suddenly, all the pieces seemed to fall in place. Her father's obsession with history, his frequent disappearances and reappearances in completely random locations, his rather old way of dressing and speaking. _It couldn't be!_ "Dad… are you a time traveler?"

"Not anymore. The title and responsibility now falls upon your shoulders."

"NO! FUCKING! WAY!"

The restaurant went deathly silent as everyone glared at the rude child. Alix blushed hard and tried to sink into her seat, until her father slid the watch a little bit closer and winked. She grabbed the watch and mumbled, "Take me back ten seconds!"

FLASH!

"Not anymore. The title and responsibility now falls upon your shoulders."

Alix grinned, "This is gonna be awesome!"

Back at Marinette's:

It was no use. Every triangle Marinette tried to solve the hypotenuse for just turned into a slice of cake being eaten by that snot-nosed, Adrien's kiss stealing, Manon! It'd be the perfect crime. The Boulangerie Patisserie was one of the most respected family-owned bakeries in Paris. No one would suspect them of food poisoning…

"Marinette," the deceptively kind voice made her hair stand on end. She whipped towards the only potential witness. "Your book is upside down."

"Is it? Silly me! HahaHAhAHHaHHEho!" She laughed a tad too hard and flipped the book.

Tikki blinked at her.

 _SHE KNOWS!_ Marinette concluded. Thankfully, her phone rang before wild accusations could start flying. "Alya, s'up, home girl?... What are you talking about? I've always called you home girl. I don't sound guilty of murderous thoughts!... Oh! The race between Alix and Kim? The one I agreed to make a banner for? Yeah, I can be across town in five minutes!" She hanged up and only then realized what she had just agreed to. "Fuck! Why can't I ever say no?"

Marinette grabbed the banner that she had the foresight to make ahead of time and ran for the door.

"Are you abandoning your responsibility?" Tikki got in front of the girl by flying through her chest. Marinette convulsed, feeling a piece of her soul being torn out. "You promised your caregivers the delivery of the cake."

The Kwami's smile was gentle but her eyes were cold. Marinette gulped. "T-t-technically, I made the banner promise a week ago, way before the cake promise so… I-could-do-both-with-your-help!" she added quickly and hid behind the banner.

It was a silent, frigid, tense, fifteen and a half seconds before Tikki spoke again, "Very well."

Marinette gasped in joy.

"But after we're done, we come straight back! This has become my job too now, and I don't take irresponsibility lightly."

The girl eagerly nodded, "Tikki, spots on!" In a flourish of red she became Ladybug and swung out her window.

Across the city the heroine traversed, waving to the happy citizens below.

"Oh my Astruc! Ladybug is here! There must be a villain nearby! Run!" cried one terrified fan. This seemed to kick off the general hysteria of the day as people began to panic.

* * *

The Trocadéro is Marinette's favorite spot to sit down and get creative. Within perfect viewing distance of the Eiffel tower, its architecture and abundant history always find a way to inspire her. FUN FACT: You can also find a picture of Hitler posing there on Wikipedia.

Ladybug landed in a hiding spot and transformed back into Marinette. Before she could run down the stairs and join her class, some woman carrying a thick, fluffy, pink cushion walked by her and placed the pillow on the ground and fluffed it. She watched as the woman seemed to reconsider the placement and shifted it a couple inches to the left. Pleased, the woman adjusted her baseball cap and walked away.

"Okay…?" Marinette blinked before beelining for her class. "Hey, guys, got the banner, gotta go, bye!" she pitched the banner at the group and turned.

"Hold on, girl," Alya called to her, "You gotta to stay. I made a bet with Adrien that if Kim wins, he has to go the rest of the day shirtless."

Marinette froze.

"And if Alix wins, _you_ have to go shirtless," Alya added under her breath with a hungry grin.

Marinette didn't hear that last part, her mind was too preoccupied. Her conscious told her to go back to the bakery, her strengthening dark side told her to ' _take care'_ of the cake, and her hormones told her to stay and enjoy the show.

" _Marinette..._ " she felt the impatient polkadotted creature prod her through her purse.

"Just a quick race," she reasoned, knowing the Kwami couldn't come out in front of so many people.

"Get ready to strip, Adrien," bragged the tall and muscular boy named Kim. "Looks like Alix isn't even gonna show."

FLASH!

A sudden mini-nuclear explosion of blue light shook everyone. When the fallout cleared, a frantic Alix stood next to Kim in her roller gear, "I have been to the series finale and most of you die!"

"You made it, Alix!" her opponent sneered. "And here I thought you were too chicken."

The girl immediately put on her game face, "Chicken? Nobody calls me chicken! I'm gonna leave you in the dust, meathead!"

"Pfft, you're no match for me! My neck is bigger than your thigh!"

Alya, who was recording the banter for her Sports Blog, switched the stream to her Obvious Sexual Tension blog.

"You're gonna need that thick, hot, sinewy neck of yours, Kim, when I get my hands around it."

"You do that and I'll rip off your helmet so everyone can see that unkempt, luscious, silky to the touch hairdo you got."

"Fight! Fight!" the crowd chanted. The two athletes bored into each other's eyes, their lips separated by mere inches... and they were getting closer. "Kiss! Kiss!" Alya zoomed in. Before both could succumb to what Alya assumed were their desires, the referee Max separated the two.

"Now that everyone is here, let us go over the rules," proclaimed the nasally boy. "Two laps around the gardens is the race. As agreed, Alix will compete in her skates and Kim will run on foot. The stakes are thus: Kim wins, he gains ownership over Alix's skates."

"I'm gonna rip them off your soft, dainty, curvaceous feet!"

"Alix wins, Kim relinquishes all daring rights for the rest of the school year."

"Let's see how long you last before you start begging me to let you do dares again. You'll be begging on your knees so desperately, you'll be willing to do whatever I tell you."

"That last one was more darker than sexual," Alya commented.

Max raised his arms. "On your mark! Get set! GOOOOOO!" Kim took off like the Flash.

Alix, however, yawned before she turned to the crowd. "Here, Alya," Alix held out her silver pocket watch to the videographer. "I don't wanna drop this in the middle of the race."

"What? But I'm a girl. My pants weren't designed with pockets that can hold things!"

She got in Alya's face, "Guard it with your life. This is the key to preventing the horrid future that I barely escaped." The roller girl finally started the race.

Instead of doing what most women who refuse to wear pocketed pants do and stick the watch in her bra, Alya eyed Marinette. "Hold this for me, girl, I gotta record the race." She tossed the item over her shoulder and Marinette managed to catch it.

"What? But I'm already holding one end of the banner! I can't be responsible for the safety of two things at once!"

As if to prove her point, the watch started flashing blue, "ALERT!" beeped a Victorian voice, "Currently within proximity of historical singularity of destruction! Proceeding with emergency defensive measures!" An arc of electricity shot out of the watch and straight into Marinette's head.

Information scrambled the half-chinese girl's brain. The world around her dissolved until she saw a new Paris. She was inside Notre Dame, the great cathedral was filled with thousands of people. Their attention was focused on the altar where a much older Chat Noir stood next to an equally older Ladybug… who was in a wedding dress!

"Do you, Ladybug, take Chat Noir as your lawfully wedded husband, until death do you part?" asked the priest.

"I do."

As Marinette watched her future self leaned towards Chat Noir with puckered lips, she screamed, "NOOOOOO!"

In a second, Marinette was back in the present, still screaming. She juggled with the watch in fear until Adrien caught it, "Whoa, need a hand?" The watch was still freaking out and zapped Adrien's brain.

The boy saw his adult self talking to his father on his deathbed… via video chat. "Adrien, I know you wanted to come and say goodbye personally, but I couldn't stand the lack of bunion massagers at that hospital. I had myself transferred to a private establishment in Hawaii that I had specifically built for my own death."

"That's okay, father. I can be there in an hour."

"Nope, too long, dying. Nathalie, pillow," Mr. Agreste ordered.

A gray-haired Nathalie grinned and eagerly smothered the old man until he stopped moving.

"NOOOOOOOOO!" cried young Adrien. In a second, he was back in the present, still screaming.

"What are we screaming about, Adri-kins?" asked the bitch Chloe. "Is it this gaudy junk?" She snatched the watch before anyone could stop her and it zapped her brain.

The young bitch saw an adult bitch version of herself, dressed in a superheroine costume that resembled a bee! "And so, in the aftermath of the horrid collapse of the European Union, it is with great pride that I award our hero the key to France," DB-M-9K handed her a giant golden key, "permanently making her de facto queen of the country. Long live the queen!"

"Long live the queen! Long live the queen!" chanted the crowd.

"YEEEEEESSSSS!" Chloe threw her hands in the air. In a second, she was back in the present, still cheering. The watch accidentally flew out of her hands and rolled onto the finish line, right in Alix's path.

SMASH!

Everyone gasped at the watch, now in hundreds of little pieces. Alix slowly turned. She rolled to the watch and knelt. She cradled the pieces in her hands.

"Master… why is it so cold?" croaked the Victorian voice. A poof blue escaped the remains and evaporated into the air. Everyone observed a moment of silence for her loss.

"You should've looked where you're going," sassed Chloe.

"You dumbasses!" Alix jumped to her feet and growled at everyone, "Without this, I can't prevent the Queen Bee's uprising!"

"Ugh, why would you?" scoffed Chloe. "I will be the most beautiful queen of France!"

Rather than fight back, Alix lost all steam and sadly skated away. Her classmates watched her go, until Marinette chased after her.

"Girl, get back here and take off your shirt!" demanded Alya.

Marinette kept a safe distance behind Alix, her unlucky life having taught her to be wary of all possible electrocutions. "So… Alix… that whole time travel speech was a joke, right? 'Cause I kinda saw some weird stuff earlier and… I mean, is this kind of a fate thing where any attempts to alter the future will ensure the future or..."

"All of it was real, Marinette," Alix refused to look at her, "We can't stop anything without the watch and it's gone forever."

Marinette blinked.

She cleared her throat and started talking loudly, as if she was trying to get someone's attention. "Oh no! A poor young time traveler has been stranded in the present!"

Alix finally turned and raised an eyebrow at the odd girl.

Tikki risked poking her head out of her collar, "Marinette, what are you planning?"

"Shh, trust me, this is a good idea. If only there was _SOMEBODY_ who could take advantage of this child's emotional vulnerability and grant her time travel powers in exchange for demonic possession!" Marinette struck a dramatic pose, "But who, I ask? Who possibly has such capabilities?"

All three waited for a response.

Alix briefly wondered if the other girl had finally lost her mind, "Okay, you keep doing whatever you're doing, I'm gonna go home."

She rolled away.

Marinette growled at the sky, "C'mon, you know you wanna!" She sulked, "Great, I'm doomed to marry Chat Noir. Anything else?" Her phone rumbled. It was her father. "And I'm gonna be grounded. Perfect."

As if to mock the girl, the Akuma chose then to make its appearance. It fluttered onto Alix's skates and exploded.

A pair of fashionable neon pink butterfly-themed sunglasses appeared on her face and she heard a deep voice.

"Sorry about not being on time. Ironic, isn't it?" she saw a kindly man in a silver mask speaking to her. "Hi, I'm Hawkmoth, granter of unholy abilities. I was actually the one who gave your brother the powers of several ancient gods, so I think time travel should be a no-brainer for me." A pair of ladybug earrings and a black cat ring appeared around him. "What'cha say? You save the future, and I get to rule the present."

"Damn straight," she chuckled.

She was swallowed up by bubbling darkness and transformed into the unstoppable _Timebreaker_!

Marinette was listening to her papa tell her that Mrs. Chamack had arrived early, when the _next_ thing that the world expected her to deal with sped past her. She excitedly gasped, "Don't worry, papa. I'll take care of it."

She hanged up and eagerly ran after the newly formed villain.

At the Fancy Restaurant:

Zee Baker hanged up the phone and re-armed himself with his giant rolling pin. He turned to Zee Candlestick Maker who was halfway done bagging the hostages' jewelry, "She was listening to music."

"Oh, okay, at least she's being responsible and still there and doing the one job we gave her."

A rumble came from the bar's cappuccino machine before a wall of steam hissed out of it. "Well, well, and here I thought the two of you learned your lesson," greeted an italian voice.

Zee Candlestick Maker dropped her jewels and raised her candelabra, "Just a little fun for old time's sake, Cappuccino Maker. Where's The Butcher?"

The frothy hero stepped out of the steam and aimed his giant coffee stirrer at the thieves, "On the way. Until then, I will start you off with a couple of beverages!" The culinary titans of France charged each other.

Back at the Trocadéro

Timebreaker sped towards her class. Kim, seeing her coming, approached.

"Alix, I'm really sorry about what happened. I put you up to the race, so the watch was my fault. I'm just a total meathead who's good at nothing except sports. Somehow, I hoped through all these races and contests, I would…" he searched for the right words, "impress you. 'Cause I could never work up the nerve to tell you to your face how I... really felt about you-"

SLAP!

When Timebreaker's palmed connected with Kim's cheek, the boy froze like a statue.

"HA! Going on my Epic Rejections blog!" laughed the filming Alya.

And then he started going transparent.

"Run! Run up the stairs! They're a skater's natural enemy!" shouted Adrien and the class split up in fear.

Timebreaker stopped to observe the meter on her skates. Two bars barely filled up. An out of breath Marinette arrived. "Yes, my plan worked! I knew this was a good idea. You got the power to travel through time." She looked at the fading Kim with apprehension, "What's the unholy catch?"

"Simple. When I touch people I erase them from the world and use their souls to power my time skates."

Marinette's eyes widened at what she had unleashed, "This was a bad idea."

Timebreaker lunged at the blue-haired girl, but instead got a banner in the face. By the time the villain ripped it off, her target had vanished.

Marinette peeked from her hiding spot from the top of the stairs, "You know..." she heard Tikki sing, "this wouldn't have happened if you had stayed home and delivered the cake."

"Merde, she takes people's souls? I thought the virgin sacrifice was dark," she groaned, "Tikki, spots on." In a flourish of red she transformed into Ladybug. Leaping into view, the hero threw her ancient yo-yo, catching the villain's foot, causing them to fall. "Huh… I guess _tripping_ is today's big weakness."

"Please, help me! I've fallen and I can't get up!" Ladybug watched as Timebreaker whined like a child. Surely, she didn't expect _any_ of her classmatesto come near her.

"Rose! STOP!" cried Ladybug.

"But she needs help," reasoned the sweet, innocent, stupid Rose.

"She's lying!"

"Why would she lie?" the single-digit IQ scoring high-schooler earnestly asked, getting even nearer to her doom.

"Use common sense!"

"What's that?"

BAM! Rose was erased from time and Natural Selection claimed another.

"You're welcome, human gene pool," sinisterly laughed Timebreaker and checked her wrist, "Ooh, just enough souls to travel one minute." She sped off, after her next prey.

Ladybug rubbed her temples, "Relax, Rose was a lost cause anyway. No one expected her to live to her twenties. Surely the rest of the class has used my distraction to get away."

She heard a sigh of relief. It came from the nearby six foot Ivan who was hiding behind a two foot shrub, "She'll never find me here."

"Idiots," she deduced, "They're all idiots."

Meanwhile:

"Hoo...hooo...hooooof..." panted Mylene. The second she had seen Kim start to vanish, she booked it for the highest ground she could find. The grass and flower covered hill down the road seemed to be perfect. It was close and made of terrain that would prove difficult for a skater to traverse.

Unfortunately, she had not taken into consideration her...fuck, how do I say this…... lack of…. athleticism...

"Out of the way, _FATSO_!" bitched Chloe as she pushed Mylene to the ground. The poor girl heard the approach of plastic wheels and curled up, waiting for the inevitable.

BAM! BAM!

Mylene nervously opened her eyes to find Chloe and Sabrina fading from time, directly in front of her. "What, you think I would erase you, Mylene?" Timebreaker rolled up between the two victims with a friendly smile. "Forget that, you're one of my best friends."

"F-friends?"

"Hell yeah!"

"I mean, we're in the same class together, but we've never really hanged out."

"Seriously? Don't you remember when you, Ivan and I all went to the faire together? Best day."

"You were there?"

Timebreaker glared at Mylene, "That hurt." BAM!

"Astruc, they're dropping like flies," remarked Ladybug as she arrived.

Timebreaker checked her wrist again, "One minute, thirty seconds. Almost there." Her gloating was interrupted by a tap on the shoulder.

It was Chat Noir, standing a safe 20 yard distance away!

"Yo, we going with playing tag puns or time travel puns?" he asked. "Because I'm good with either."

Timebreaker's eyes glinted at her next prize and attacked. "Chat, don't let her touch you!" cried Ladybug.

With expert gymnastic prowess, the cat-themed hero jumped out of harm's way. "Don't worry, bugaboo, you're the only girl who can touch me," he bragged.

Timebreaker kept going at full blast… right at Alya who had been filming her classmates being slaughtered instead of escaping.

Meanwhile at Westminster Abbey, London:

"Sir, you won't believe this," exclaimed the scared young undertaker apprentice.

"Calm down, my boy. What is it?" inquired his teacher.

"I heard a noise coming from Charles Darwin's grave, so I looked and..." the young man trembled, "his corpse was spinning!"

Back in Paris:

BAM!

"Okay, this is just getting sad," Ladybug said as she swung her yo-yo string like a lasso. She threw the string and got Timebreaker just as she was about to pounce on the not-so-well-hidden Ivan. "How hard is it for kids to keep away from bad touches?"

Timebreaker pulled on the string, ripping Ladybug off her feet and across the garden. She landed before the villain, "I don't know, why don't you tell me." She reached forward with her lethal hands.

"Ah!" Ladybug waited for the familiar cold of death to wash over her. Part of her was eager to see Astruc again for round two.

BAM!

Instead, she felt the warmth of a loving embrace, "No..." Chat Noir's face was frozen in solemn resignation as he faded from time. "Astruc dammit, Chat, no, don't suddenly turn out to be a decent guy just to die on me!"

Timebreaker's skates beeped as their meters filled completely. "Hey, wow, would you look at that! One superhero soul is worth 7 times a normal person's. Time go forward into the past. But first, the Miraculous."

Ladybug gritted her teeth.

"Don't you come near him..."

She couldn't let his sacrifice be in vain.

"You think I'm gonna stand by..."

Chat Noir, pervert as he was, gave up his life believing she could win!

"And let you take everything?"

The lone heroine planted her feet in the ground…

"Not on my wat-"

And found she couldn't get her head out of his tight grip.

"CHAT! LET GO!"

Alas, Chat Noir was now a transparent, 150 lb. statue of a crouched boy and could not listen nor pun about how _hard_ he was. With no alternative, Ladybug shakily lifted Chat Noir and hefted his heavy body like a shield, "Go ahead and try..."

Timebreaker dove hand-first at Ladybug, but every slap was met by Chat's back. No matter where she reached, she couldn't get through to her true target.

The hero rapidly spun her partner around her neck making him repeatedly smack the villain like helicopter blades and knocked her off her feet. She opened her eyes just in time to see Ladybug belly flopping her Chat-first. Timebreaker spun out of the way before she was squished.

Timebreaker jumped back and took notice of the Chat shaped crater that could've been her, "Oh, you're good. But I know someone who's better."

Turning on her heels, Timebreaker sped down the marble path. Ladybug lassoed her again but when the unbreakable string pulled taut, she was dragged along. Chat's anchoring body slipped off her and fully faded away. Ladybug held tightly as she saw sparks of energy crack in front of Timebreaker. Thinking quickly, Ladybug dug her heels into the concrete to slow her down, but the villain was too strong.

As she struggled, a flying blue police box joined the chase. A silver haired man opened the box's door and shouted at them with a Scottish accent, "Pull over, you idiot! You're going to destroy all of time and space!"

A Delorean leaving tire streaks of fire pulled alongside the box, "Great Scott! Break off, Doctor! You don't wanna be near that baby when she hits 8.8 miles per hour!" cried the wild haired driver. The Scotsman rolled his eyes and slowed down. The car driver called to Ladybug, "The fate of this timeline is in your hands, young lady! You're about to see some serious merde! The only advice I can offer is: don't touch yourself!"

"Um… this doesn't seem like the time or the place for _that!_ " Ladybug raised a disturbed eyebrow.

In a blinding flash of blue, she and Timebreaker vanished.

* * *

ABOUT 8 MINUTES AGO:

FLASH!

Timebreaker skidded to a stop and Ladybug's momentum carried her across the way… until she landed safely on the thick, fluffy, pink cushion. "What happened?" the hero blinked at the familiar pillow. That same strange woman that placed it there earlier then approached, took the pillow, tapped her baseball cap at Ladydbug with a smile and walked away. "Mind... currently... being blown!" Ladybug's eye twitched.

"YEEESSSSSS!" she heard the triumphant cry of Chloe below.

Running to the railing, she looked down at her class, still in existence and the pocket watch, still in tact.

"My watch!" cried Timebreaker.

"CHLOE!" Ladybug yelled, getting everyone's attention, "Drop that watch!"

"Um, okay," Chloe gently placed the pocket watch safely on the ground.

"Yes! Future averted!" Ladybug pumped her fist as both she and Timebreaker started to fade from time.

"What are you doing, Chloe?" Rose picked up the watch, "She didn't say put it down, she said _drop_ it." Rose held the watch as high in the air as she could and let go.

SMASH!

"MEEEEERRRRRRRDE!" Ladybug screamed and her wrench wound pulsed uncontrollably as both she and Timebreaker became solid again. Her scream was so powerful, the rest of her class scattered in fear. She did not stop screaming as a non-akumatized Alix fell to her knees before the watch remains. She finished her scream just as a sickly black butterfly exploded on Alix's skates and she was morphed into a second Timebreaker.

"So..." the pissed off Ladybug turned to see her suspicious past self addressing her, "what's all this then?"

"Time travel!" Ladybug threw her hands in the air, "What does it look like?"

"My mind went to clones."

"Oh ho, ho, ho," she laughed in that way that told the world her sanity was dwindling by the second, "I'm sure we'll get to the Clone Saga eventually!" she screeched.

Marinette blinked at herself. "Y'up, you're definitely me. But, hey, bright side! Now, there's two of us to take down the bad guys."

Tikki popped out of her purse, "No, now there's one of you to fight the bad guys and another of you to deliver the cake."

Both Marinette's froze in horror as the Kwami's presence reminded them that there were two polkadotted demons in existence now. They nearly had simultaneous heart attacks.

"O-o-okay, I got cake duty," the past Marinette quickly ran off.

"Well that was a _vocal_ entrance," greeted someone she thought she'd never see again.

There was Chat Noir, alive and well, at her side. "Chat, I'm gonna give you the short version. Bad guys are weak to being tripped. They also steal souls, don't let them touch you or I'm gonna have to use your corpse as a weapon again."

"...Again?" he asked.

"Let's do this!" she jumped into the fight.

Meanwhile:

Marinette arrived at the bakery, gasping for air.

"Oh wait, here she is now," the waiting Mrs. Chamack said into her phone.

"Help! We're being robbed!" a tiny voice shouted from the device, but she had already hung up.

Marinette packed up the cake and handed it over to the woman, "Have a wonderful day!" She then shut the door and leaned against the wall. "Phew..."

Tikki flew out in the open with a warm smile, "Your meager mortal responsibilities are complete, now you must face the horrid, soul eating Akumas."

"Yay..." she groaned.

Back at the Trocadéro:

Chat Noir and Ladybug had been chasing the Timebreakers in circles for the past ten minutes, the villains stealing the souls of anyone they passed. It was like big game of Ring Around the Rosie, except people were dying.

"Geez, we can't catch up," panted Chat.

"Hold on," Ladybug said, "I got an idea." She stopped and turned around. Within seconds, the Timebreakers had circled around and skidded to a halt in front of her.

"...Well… now we just look stupid," one Timebreaker rubbed the back of her head.

"Eh, but we got plenty of souls," the other added, "Let's take theirs and head back to before this all started."

The two sped forward and were promptly tripped by a ladybug-themed yo-yo.

"Hey, you two," called Ladybug's voice. A second Ladybug retracted her yo-yo and struck a pose, "need a hand?"

Chat's entire body quivered, "Mememeamamammem-"

The new Ladybug took her spot opposite of Chat and the two girls started planning.

"These jackasses love their fucking skates," pointed out one Ladybug.

"Mmuumiimiuemamrmmrrr-" Chat's head kept spinning back and forth between them.

"And every time we trip 'em, they get back up and speed away," added the other.

"Tutututitorooirtaatrasstwaaa-"

"But what if they can't get away?" the other smirked.

"HHuhhiiiheieoriojoooooo-"

"Chat, say what you're trying to say!"

Chat Noir shook his head, took a moment to compose himself, cleared his throat, and proposed, "Ménage à trois?"

"NO!" both ladies glared. "Lucky Charm!" both threw their yo-yos in the air. One came back down a polkadotted traffic cone. The other, a polkadotted bicycle lock.

"You know, for once, I'd like an actual weapon, like a sword or something," sighed one.

"Right? If I could get a nun-chucks, that'd be great," agreed the other.

"Think about it! We could alternate days!" Chat pleaded.

"Just distract them!" the Ladybugs ordered.

Chat sulked away, his bedroom fantasies crushed.

Energy sparked ahead of the Timebreakers as they built speed to go into the past. Chat cut across the gardens to a priceless marble pillar. Its intricately carved depictions contained culture and history that could never be recorded in a book. "Perfect! This oughta turn them around," Chat decided. "Cataclysm!" with a swipe of his claws, the pillar crumbled to chunks and collapsed _on_ the passing villains.

"AAAAGH!"

SMASH!

The heroes stared at the broken limbs jutting out of the rubble.

"Nice goin', Chat Noir, didn't think you had it in you," the Ladybugs nodded in admiration.

"But I-No one-I didn't-" Chat blubbered as he went into shock.

The ladies each tugged off a skate and broke them over their knees, "Relax, I'll fix it." After purifying the Akumas, they threw their charms in the air, "Miraculous Ladybug!" Thousands of magical ladybugs were summoned and flew across the Trocadéro.

All the citizens were unfrozen. The pillar was put back together. The pocket watch was rebuilt. Both Timebreakers' limbs were mended and the girls turned back into one Alix.

As the magical insects flew towards the doubled heroes, they faced each other and said goodbye in a way that just felt right and fistbumbed, "Pound it!"

Now, it is common knowledge that if and when someone ever goes back in time, they should avoid coming in contact with their past self at all costs. You touch your other you, you create what's known as a time paradox, which starts a chain reaction that unravels the very fabric of the space-time continuum and destroys the universe. Everybody knows this stuff. Unfortunately, fundamentalists have continuously stricken down any attempts at including it in public school curriculum, leaving it to parents to teach their kids about not touching themselves. The Dupain-Chengs were waiting for Marinette to be mature enough before they broached the topic in a controlled environment. Which is why, when the two Ladybugs from two different timelines touched fists, the world exploded.

" _ **Oh… merde**_ ,"Astruc croaked at the remains of the Earth that was little more than space dust. Fishing out the ethereal multi-verse remote, he switched to the next timeline.

"Wow, that was a close one," a barefoot Alix sighed in relief clutching her pocketwatch, safe and sound.

"Yeah, sorry about not holding onto that, girl," Alya apologized, "Good thing you stopped before you crushed it."

Kim wore Alix's skates around his neck like a gold medal, "Too bad it cost you the race."

"No, it's alright," Alix patted Kim's arm, "This watch is my responsibility, I shouldn't be dumping it on people like that."

"Hey, Alya," called Adrien. He tried to keep a straight face as a drooling Marinette frantically took photos of his bare chest, "How long do I have to stay like this?"

Everyone laughed together at the model's misfortune. It was a fun day.

" _ **Nope**_ , _"_ Astruc flipped to the next timeline.

Hawkmoth loomed over the flaming buildings of Paris, twirling his thick mustache, "With the Ladybug Miraculous, the Chat Noir Miraculous and the time travel pocket watch, I have become unstoppable! MUHAHAAHAHAHAHA!"

" _ **Hmm...Save that one for later...**_ " he flipped to the next.

In wash of magical ladybugs, the two heroines became one. "That takes care of that," she swung away.

" _ **One day, I'm gonna run out of timelines**_ ," Astruc admitted.

"One day, I will have your Miraculouses," Hawkmoth proclaimed.

"One day, I will get two Ladybugs in the sack," Chat Noir dreamed.

 _Later, at the bakery:_

"One day, Manon, one day," Marinette was studying a book diligently when her parents arrived.

"You're back! How was the anniversary dinner?" Marinette quickly hid the book behind her back.

"It was… _rich,_ " Sabine gave her husband a knowing look.

Marinette had the strangest feeling there was a pun in there she should be angry at…

"Although it was a close _call,_ " Tom added, raising an eyebrow at his daughter.

Marinette blinked, "Oh yeah Mrs. Chamack… I'm so sorry I kept her waiting. I had to make sure the cake was, uh, ready-"

The girl stumbled and dropped the book, it's title in clear view: "The Finer Points of Untraceable Cyanide Administration and You".

Her parents stared at the literature in silence. Then several gold necklaces, diamond rings and silver tooth fillings fell out of Tom's shirt and landed next to the book.

Marinette stared at the sudden fortune.

"We don't ask, you don't ask," Sabine offered.

"Deal," Marinette nodded.

* * *

"Hello, I'd like to return this pillow and baseball cap," she placed the items on the counter.

"Sure, miss," the clerk inspected them for tears, "Was there something wrong?"

"They're fine, just don't need them anymore. Here's my ID."

He gave her the cash, "Was there anything else I could help you with, Miss..." he read the card before handing it back, "Alix Kubdel?"

The grown woman ran a hand through her unkempt, luscious, silky to the touch, pink hair and pulled out a silver pocket watch, "I'm good."

FLASH!

 **END**

 _Technically, we're all time travelers!_


	6. 1st Miraculous Secretion

_A/N: There's only so many endless monster of the week episodes one guy in over his head can write before he starts going stir crazy. Luckily, the modern day's TV audience demands more content than simply episodes. Which is why the "Miraculous Secrets" and "Tales from Paris" webseries exist!_

 _They're so cringeworthy, I just can't help myself!_

 _Welcome to part 1 of the mini-series: "MIRACULOUS SECRETIONS!"_

* * *

Secretion 1

 **Getting Ahead of Yourself**

By: I Write Big

Tikki would not say she has lived for hundreds of thousands of years. While her great age is a fact, 'lived' is too generous of a way to describe her experience. Rather, she would use the term 'begrudgingly endured.'

In those long centuries, she had been tethered to one useless human after another. Each with their own set of ridiculous priorities that they seemed to hold higher than protecting the world. This forced Tikki to always be the responsible one and push her 'holder' into doing the work. One such holder had an odd obsession with a boy. A boy she was drooling over at the moment.

Marinette swiped to the next candid photo of Adrien casually walking through the park. Then to the next, a closeup of him smiling past the camera. The shot was framed by the bushes she had been hiding in when she took the picture.

"He knew you were there, right, Marinette?" Tikki asked, already dreading the answer.

"What he doesn't know won't hurt him," the girl was laser focused on the pics, her smile unstable, "He's perfect in each and every one. I can't decide which I should add to my Adrien shrine."

The Kwami looked at the bronze altar in the corner of the room. Its incense burned brightly around the locks of golden hair, half eaten apple cores, used bandages and other items the boy had used and discarded, all moulded together to resemble the face of the blond god. While Tikki could say she had seen worse obsessions, this one was still a textbook case of serial killer waiting to happen.

"Okay, I'm nipping this in the bud," she flew in front the phone, "Talk to him."

"T-t-talk to Adrien?" Marinette shuddered, "I couldn't! Everytime I try, I become a gibbering mess! I am unworthy to walk in his shadow!" she cried. Suddenly, her pupils shrank and a dark idea creeped in, "... but if I got rid of every girl who even looked at him..."

"No no no no no no! Get that out of your head" Tikki decided action was sorely needed. "Look, I have coached many humans on the art of dating. We can practice together."

Marinette's face went back to normal, "Really? Oh, Tikki, that's so… sweet of… you?" she got more confused as she spoke. "Why would you help me?"

"Trust me, I'm not doing this for you. Let's get to work."

* * *

Marinette pumped her arms, ready for the ancient Kwami's boundless well of knowledge to reveal her secrets.

"Repeat after me," she instructed, "'Hi, Adrien, wass'up, I was wondering if you'd like to go see a movie tomorrow.'"

"Hey, Adrien," Marinette blushed, "what's up, I was wondering if you'd like to go see a movie tomorrow."

"Congratulations, you graduated," Tikki deadpanned.

Marinette blinked. "That's it?"

"Yes, Marinette, talking to boys, is just like talking to any other human." She rubbed her head in annoyance, "Say what you want and to hell with the consequences."

"It's not that simple!" she grabbed her blue hair, "What if he says yes? What do I do on the date? What do we talk about? How close should we sit together? Is it weird if I sniff him?"

Tikki sighed, "Fucking virgins..." She looked down at the phone which still had Adrien's face. "Let's try this again, only this time, I'll be Adrien."

Tikki's head inflated like a balloon, her red skin lightened to a soft tan. A mop of blond hair sprouted from her bald scalp. Her giant eyeballs grew even wider and separated from each other.

Marinette gaped in horror as a properly human-sized head of Adrien floated before her on the shoulders of Tikki's tiny body. "Hold on, I think I forgot something," the abomination blew into its stub of an arm until a nose POPPED into existence on its face. "Ahem, hi, Marinette," it greeted in Tikki's gravelly impression of her classmate.

"AHHHHHH!" the half-chinese girl swatted the nightmare out of the air. The head bounced off the shrine, getting smeared with lipstick.

"Honey, what's wrong?" her mother appeared at the trap door. The poor woman was greeted by the sight of a severed head covered in red rolling across the floor. Her gaze drifted up to her trembling daughter, then to the troubling shrine with a face that resembled the bodyless one before her.

"Mom, this isn't what it looks like-"

Her mother wrapped her arms tightly around her and rubbed her back, "Shh, it's alright, Marinette. You're a good girl. No one has to know about this. No one is going to take away my baby." Marinette was a bit lost as her mother picked up the head and headed to the roof with a shovel, "I'm gonna make this go away, honey. You're a good girl, I have a good girl."

* * *

Marinette watched from her door as her mother buried the head in the small vegetable garden they kept for fresh ingredients on top of the bakery.

"This will be our little secret, okay, baby?" The mud covered woman kissed the scarred girl tenderly and went back downstairs, muttering, "I have a good girl. A good girl."

The coast clear, Tikki floated through the dirt to Marinette's side.

"We never speak of this," Tikki growled.

"...Okay."

 **END**

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!

 _The "Prologue Saga" will be continued only in the episodic chapters._


	7. 6 Girls Gone Wireless

A/N: HEY! Delays, am I right? Crazy couple of months! Graduations, family, then the stripper showed up… It all blurs together... ANYWAY, I'm on Wattpad now! You on Wattpad? You should be! That way you can follow me and check out ALL my fanfics and my one non-fanfic fic! It's only got a single prologue with like… 25 words… WORK IN PROGRESS! GIVE IT A CHANCE! THIS IS ME WE'RE TALKING ABOUT! YOU KNOW I'M GOOD FOR IT, MAN! Just go to Wattpad, search "I Write Big" and boom, there I am—

Yo, look what I found! The em dash key! Now I can properly interje—

Dude, don't be—

Interrupt me again, Em Dash and I'll—

Damn it, Em Dash!

 _PROLOGUE_

 _The glaring, ethereal light vanished from my living room with one final flash, taking with it the horrid wails of the tortured undead._

" _I think we're good," I said, lowering the wooden cooking spoon that I had bought from the local souvenir shop. The ritual had called for an archaic wand carved from a willow branch blessed by the Pope, but hey, wood is wood._

" _Are you sure?" texted Lappy, keeping a safe distance behind me. I approached the epicenter of the binding circle, careful not to smudge the painstakingly hand drawn chalk lines. There, as I had hoped, laid a smoking 2005 TomTom GPS._

 _Risking my toes, I lightly kicked the device. "Turn left onto HELL!" its robotic voice instructed, the screen displayed a pixelated wall of fire._

" _Got'cha, bitch," my smug grin seemed to only further anger the trapped demon. "Wifi is free, Lappy. Go for it." The house now finally poltergeist free, I flipped on my McDonald's hat, flipped off the world and headed out. "'Kay, gotta go to work. Let me know if you hear anything Miraculous related. See ya."_

" _When possible make a legal U-Turn TO YOUR DEATH!" the tiny thing cried at the locked front door._

" _Forget it, man," Lappy told it, "You're an outdated piece of hardware now. We found your new body in a donation center. Nobody will use you, nobody will update you and nobody will take you home thinking you're cool just to accidentally unleash your evil spirit on the world until hundreds of years from now when GPSs are considered ancient. It's the perfect prison."_

" _Recalculating," it pondered. The digital fire switched to a loading screen._

" _Yeah, you do that. Hey, the 'Miraculous Secretions' mini-series is getting positive reviews," noted Lappy._

 _Chirp!_

 _An update from the Thomas Astruc feed popped on screen. Lappy eagerly scanned the news hoping for intel on the showrunner's whereabouts._

" _...Uh oh…" Lappy beeped._

 _Several blocks away, I was reading the same tweet. One of the many loyal Miraculous fans had sent Astruc a rather interesting question: 'Will we see Adrien and Marinette as a real couple?' To which Astruc responded with a…_

 _...simple…_

 _...straightforward..._

 _...indisputable..._

' _Yes.'_

 _My inner joy was immediately eclipsed by cynical rage, "OH! SO THAT SHIP GETS CONFIRMED, HUH? SURE! WHY NOT?! WHO WOULD'VE SEEN THAT COMING? ADRIEN AND MARINETTE TOGETHER? BLOWING MY MIND HERE!"_

" _Monsieur, are you alright?" a concerned policeman approached me, but all my reason had fled the country._

" _HOW ABOUT SOME REAL ANSWERS, ASTRUC?!" I turned to the officer and not so calmly informed him, "HE KNOWS DAMN WELL WE ALL WANT TO KNOW IF GABRIEL WILL GET TOGETHER WITH NATHALIE! THAT POOR WOMAN DESERVES HAPPINESS AND THE SEXUAL TENSION BETWEEN THEM IS THICKER THAN THE RACIAL DIVIDE IN AMERICA!"_

 _The man of the law who possessed the power to have me deported blinked, "American?"_

" _I am here legally!" I frantically backpedalled, realizing who I was talking to. Striking a professional pose, I showed off my hat, "See, would McDonald's hire an illegal immigrant without a work visa? I think not." I turned to leave, "Now, excuse me, I must be off to said job so that I may pay my French taxes and purchase baguettes and merde."_

 _A hand landed firmly on my shoulder and the officer whispered into my ear._

" _HawkNath for life, American."_

… _TO BE CONTINUED…_

* * *

 _Chapter 6_

 **Girls Gone Wireless**

By: I Write Big

Hobbies are, in general, healthy.

They break up the mundaneness of life while also expanding one's perspective and nurturing their talents. A hobby can open doors into other people's lives, allowing friendships to grow. Sometimes a hobby is all someone needs in order to be able to smile.

Alya's hobbies were not healthy.

Her parents could not say for sure when she started blogging. All they knew was… she couldn't stop. Eating breakfast? Blog about it! Getting hair done? Blog about it! Her psychiatrist diagnosing her days spent online as distractions from facing what's truly bothering her? Definitely blog about it!

As of lately, though, she has been dedicating more and more time to one blog in particular: The Ladyblog. What started as a site dedicated to following the polkadotted hero of Paris had now become a hub of conspiracy theorists, each and every one throwing in their own idea of Ladybug's true identity. Alya was not one to back down from a good mystery and decided to spend her limited non-blogging hours on this case. Fortunately for Marinette, Alya was no natural born detective.

"Little snip here, little snip there," Alya muttered to herself in class. "Aha, my foolproof Ladybug Secret Identity Revealing Device, is complete!" The mastermind raised LSIRD and proceeded to use it to scan everyone in the room. This process of intense elimination consisted of trying to match the head shape of her classmates to a stock press photo of the heroine with her face cut out.

Rose was a bit too small. Juleka was too big. Chloe's bitchy middle finger was in the way. And Miss Bustier was giving her bedroom eyes, "Alya, do you need to stay after class for..." the teacher licked her lips, _"detention?"_

Alya stiffened and quickly tucked LSIRD into her notebook, "No, miss, I'll be good."

Miss Bustier gave a small pout of disappointment as the bell rang. "Alright, class, have a good day and remember to do your homework." She handed out the assignments, giving double the amount to Alya, "Make sure Marinette gets hers. If she comes to school tomorrow without it, I just might have to… _privately tutor her_ ," she winked.

* * *

While the very idea of capturing that 'tutoring' session for her Call the Police Blog was tempting, Alya knew, from experience, the content would be flagged and get her on _another_ Watch List somewhere. It was safer to give Marinette her homework.

She dialed her but only got the machine, "Hi, this is Marinette. I seriously suggest you text me. Every time I try to punch in my voicemail password, it somehow eats up all my data. You know, bad luck and all." Beep. _'Voicemail is full,'_ informed a robot.

"Where is that girl?" Alya pondered. Then she remembered that in every single mystery show pilot she gave a chance and immediately dropped the sleuth always began by checking the missing person's last known whereabouts. "Yo, Marinette!" she kicked in the next girl's bathroom stall, "You in here?"

"Alya, what the fuck?!" screamed back Mylene.

With that scratched off the list, Alya officially had zero leads. She sulked her way through the school locker room. Maybe she wasn't cut out to be a Master Detective/Universal Blogger. Then something caught her eye, or rather someone. It was Chloe huddled by the her locker door, taking extra bitchy precaution to make sure nobody was watching. She stuffed her bag with what looked like a whip, a ball gag, and a LADYBUG THEMED DISC!

Was she seeing things?! Alya covertly chased after the bitch out of the building only for her to get in her stretch limo and drive away. "Oh my blog! I need to tell someone!" She dialed Marinette. "Girl, ring me ASAP! We need to talk!" The machine responded, ' _What part of 'full' do you not understand?_ ' Alya was in a conundrum, she felt the irresistible urge to vent to someone, but there wasn't enough evidence to make a blog post about it. What she needed was a person who would shower her with support and blindly agree with anything she said.

"S'up, Alya," greeted Nino.

"Close enough! Nino! I need your help!" She pulled the boy to a private bench and fruitlessly tried to call Marinette one last time. "Ugh, where is that girl? I hate it when she goes AWOL."

"Yeah, my man Adrien is the same way," he agreed. "He says it's because his Daddy-O Mr. Control Freak has him on this carrier plan that only lets rich phones through." Nino shamefully showed off his early 2000's flip phone. "Plus, I'm 99% sure he's having me followed."

"What? No," Ape-man disagreed from the fake bush he was following Nino in.

"I don't care about your problems! I'm the verge of a breaththrough here! I just don't what it is yet!" Alya's phone then buzzed with a news alert.

"Paris was again saved today by our local heroes in spandex," the reporter on the little screen said, "Unfortunately, the villain's accomplice Heli-Chopper escaped custody and is still at large." The report cut to a nervously waving Ladybug... her _yo-yo_ in hand.

"Wait a minute..." the pieces began to come together for Alya, "What if that wasn't a disc in Chloe's hand but a… AAAAAAAHHHHH!" she screeched.

"AAAAAAHHHHHH!" Nino screeched back.

Ape-man calmly lowered the long distance microphone and remove his headphones, "...Ow."

"NINO!"

"WHAT?!"

"CHLOE BOURGEOIS IS LADYBUG!" her loud claim reverberated across the city, catching the attention of nearly a third of the population.

And each and every one of them snickered, rolled their eyes, and snarked, "Sure."

"What?" asked deaf Ape-man.

* * *

Marinette dragged her exhausted feet to her bedroom. It had been a pun-filled day with a side of villain fighting that had left her absolutely drained. Thankfully, Alya had been kind enough to drop off her schoolbag for her earlier.

Tikki poked her bulbous head from her purse with a giggle, "Your performance today was almost adequate, Marinette. You are now free to perform the meager responsibilities of mortals."

"Yay," she groaned, pulling out her school tablet. Strangely, she found a sticky note attached to it. 'Call me! I know who Ladybug really is!' Her heart stopped.

"What does it say?" inquired Tikki.

"AH!" she jumped. "Um, it says 'Please crumble up and eat this note, love, Alya.'" The blue haired girl then shoved the paper in her mouth and painfully swallowed. "There! All done!" she retched.

"'Love?' _Alya_? Really?" Tikki raised an eyebrow, "I'm flying into your stomach."

Marinette scrambled away. "Hey, we're French, don't worry about it. I should call her up to thank her!" She nervously dialed Alya, but the call didn't go through. All her bars had disappeared. She scrambled onto the roof looking for a signal, only to find a repairman hard at work.

"Sorry, little lady, doing maintenance," he explained. "Cell tower will be down for the entire neighborhood for the rest of the day. Best to be inside before the blueballers start."

"My call dropped!" complained a distant voice.

"If I don't tweet about this in the next hour, I'll die!" whined another.

"My LadyNoir porn! I wasn't done yet!" roared a third.

"Welp, speak of the devil," the repairman chuckled.

As more voices agreed with that third one, a crowd of uncomfortably tight pantsed protesters gathered outside the building and began scaling the bakery walls. A chant soon erupted, "Porn! Porn! Porn!"

The repairman unsheathed his union standard torch and pitchfork and waved them at the deprived souls, "Back, you fiends! Back to the depths of your parent's basements from whence you came!"

"None of us came! That's the point!"

With no means of communication to the outside world and a suspicious demon in her room, Marinette had no choice but to finish her homework, praying to Astruc that Alya hadn't found out her secret and that stomach acid melted paper.

* * *

 _The next day:_

Chloe started her morning like she always did, by pushing Sabrina to the ground and insulting everyone around her. "Bask, you pathetic plebeians, in my presence. You are all uglier than me." She stopped to double check her flashcards, "'Plebeians?' Ugh, Sabrina, you mixed up my daily rants with my homework again."

"Please forgive me," her stooge begged on bended knee, then drooled a little, "but you don't have to if you don't want to."

"Eh, not feeling up to punishments today," Chloe tossed the flashcards and strutted into school.

Sabrina chased after her mistress, still on her knees, "No! That's the worst punishment! Please, I need release!"

Alya and Nino blinked at the whole display.

"Oh yeah, Alya, she's _definitely_ Ladybug," agreed Nino.

"This is no time for _logic_! We must act!" declared Alya and easily raised Nino over her head. "For the blog!" They careened through the school yard, around the library, into the locker room where Alya threw Nino at Chloe. The Nino missile smashed headfirst into the locker wall, slid to the floor and stopped breathing.

Chloe spared a glance at the perhaps dead body at her feet, kicked it a little, then went back to her business. This was all the distraction Alya needed to line up her camera with the inside of Chloe's locker. Just as she got her first photo, Sabrina sprung into the shot.

"Hsssss!" Sabrina bared her fangs and tackled Alya.

* * *

 _Later, in the Principal's Office:_

"This does bring up a moral quandary, does it not," Principal Damocles stroked his magnificent beard. "We live in a society that holds privacy above all else and yet we constantly showcase our personal lives via the internet for the entire world to see. Do the selves we present to others reflect who we truly are or are they constructs we developed as who we wish we could be? Perhaps our internet personas could be likened to caricatures, similar to us but at the same time _not_ us. Therefore, we are more comfortable pretending to be a fake username, a personality, while still hiding the human underneath."

Alya, Chloe, Sabrina and, for some reason, Kim stared at the man.

"What?" Damocles raised a bushy eyebrow, "You're missing class for this merde. Like it or not, I'm teaching you something."

"She invaded my privacy!" bitched Chloe.

"I am a witness! I am willing to testify in court!" declared Kim.

"I took a photo!" defended Alya. "If that's a crime, then lock me up!"

"Technically, it is a crime," informed Damocles.

Alya's eyes widened, "I'll talk! I've got dirt on everybody in town! You would not believe who's sleeping with Gabriel Agreste!"

"But you're still a minor, so…" Damocles thought while picking bits of breakfast out of his amazing mustache, "an hour of detention."

Chloe bitchilly scoffed, "An hour? Whose father is the mayor of this city?"

"Yours..." Damocles answered.

"And whose father's name is on your paycheck?" she held a threatening finger over the call button with the mayor's face on it.

"Actually," Damocles smiled, "That's a perfect segway into my quick lesson on modern economy and the current climate of political corruption—"

She pressed call.

"Week of suspension, Alya!" he quickly said.

"Whatever, you guys hardly teach us anything anyway," Alya shrugged.

"And no blogging for a week," Damocles added. He pressed a big, red, glowing button on his desk. A laser lowered from the ceiling and zapped Alya's smartphone.

"...No..." Alya frantically swiped through her blogs. The Ladyblog, the Paint Drying Blog, the Carjacking Blog, they were all disconnected! "No, you blocked me out! Damn you, Chloe! Astruc damn you to hell!"

* * *

Meanwhile, in a tower hidden somewhere in Paris, a great spiral window opened, illuminating the haunting figure of a man checking his moth-themed phone phone.

"What is the meaning of this?! How could the Moth Blog be down?" Hawkmoth demanded. "Now how will I know which is the moth of the day?" He grabbed one of his many butterflies and filled it with dark energy, "No one stands between me and my hobbies! NO ONE!"

* * *

To Alya, the world felt cold. Empty. Meaningless. The smartphone in her hands mocked her with a blogless internet. She saw Marinette racing up the stairs to class. Normally, Alya would ask why she was late and would've gotten a strange tale about oversleeping due to indigestion from eating a dozen sticky notes to hide one sticky note, but Alya didn't care anymore. She instead kept shambling like a zombie in silence, ignoring everyone around her. Even Ape-man, who only wanted to know if Nino was still alive.

Finally, she arrived at the nearby gurgling riverbed.

She looked left.

She looked right.

Without a screen to distract her, everything seemed... peaceful. A sense of wonder washed over her. This was Paris as it was meant to be seen. No filters. "Maybe this is a sign," she thought, "a chance to turn my life around. I mean, what was I gonna do, blog about everything forever? Is that what I wanted?" She clenched her phone, "I don't think so. It's time to grow up."

With a deep breath, she wound up her arm and pitched the phone at the water. A great weight lifted itself from her shoulders as she saw the device tumble through the air. A new feeling rose in her chest: **Freedom**.

"Nope," said Hawkmoth. A dark butterfly caught the phone and flew back towards Alya at top speed.

"Merde..." she muttered.

The phone slammed into her and the butterfly shattered. A pair of fashionably neon pink butterfly-themed sunglasses appeared on her face and she heard a deep voice, "Hey, whoa! Almost had a huge character changing moment there, Lady Wifi. Can't have that in Season 1, keep to the script." He cleared his throat, "So… heard you wanted to unmask Ladybug. I'm down. You down?"

"I'm down," she smiled as bubbling darkness swallowed her.

* * *

Marinette tiptoed her way into class and made it to her desk without a sound. Oddly, Alya wasn't there. "Hey," she tapped a heavily bandaged Nino, "where is she?"

"Dednepsus," he slurred.

"Dedne-wha?" Unfortunately, Marinette didn't speak Concussed, despite having survived many would be fatal cranial catastrophes.

Luckily, Adrien spoke Chinese, which is a more advance version of Concussed.

"He said, Alya was suspended," Adrien translated.

"SUSPENDED?!" she shouted.

"Marinette, glad you could join us," Miss Bustier playfully growled and nibbled on her chalk. "Sounds like you're interested in some _after class activities?_ "

Marinette gulped, "I'll show myself to the principal's office." She quickly escaped.

"Hey, why was she suspended?" Adrien whispered.

"Ekorb otni s'eolhC rekcol. Thguoht ehs saw gubydaL," Nino dribbled.

Adrien looked at Chloe, snickered, rolled his eyes, and snarked, "Sure."

* * *

A knock on the principal's door got no response. Anticipatory dread made Marinette shiver. "Please just be grooming your beard," she begged before pushing the door open. There, at his desk, sat Damocles frozen in time, his arm raised fearfully. A great purple stop button shined on his chest. "Ugh, I just woke up, come on!" Marinette stomped her feet.

His computer activated with a face.

Back in the classroom, the projector burst to life showing the same face. The face that could only be described as the PG mascot of Netflix's 'Black Mirror.'

"Hey, how's it going, peeps, your number one truth revealer Lady Wifi here with a huge story," she leaned on Damocles' shoulder, "Turns out this guy, your principal, is in the pocket of Mayor Bourgeois. And wrongfully suspended one Alya. That true, sir?"

"Well, 'in his pocket' would imply improper money exchange or bribery—"

She pressed her smartphone to his temple, "Admit it or I'll blast your brains into the internet!"

"Okay, I confess!"

Marinette recognized the girl immediately, "Alya… oh this is gonna be _good_ ," she grinned.

Tikki flew out, "Marinette, I understand you may have apprehensions fighting your best friend, but you need to remember that you're saving her."

"Right, _saving_ her," Marinette sadistically cackled, "by _beating_ _her up_. Today is a happy day. Tikki, spots on!" In a flourish of red, she became Ladybug.

The class continued watching the video. "My next scoop will be the unmasking of Ladybug and you don't want to miss that. Stay connected." With a swipe of her finger a purple stop button smacked Damocles and froze him in place. The video cut.

Miss Bustier sighed, "Okay, guess it's a half day. Class dismissed."

"Yay!" Everyone cheered and rushed out.

Adrien, meanwhile, rushed into the boy's room and let Plagg out in the open, "So, Chloe is _clearly_ not Ladybug. Everyone except Alya can see that, which means she'll go after her."

"Yeah, but, dude... what if... like... Chloe was Ladybug?" pondered Plagg.

Adrien leveled a serious look at his Kwami and then burst into laughter, "Bahahahahahaha, that's funny! Like Chloe could be a superhero!"

 _MANY months ago, in a different plane of existence:_

"It seemed like a good idea at the time," Thomas Astruc admitted.

"Dammit, Tom, we spent season 1 making Chloe look like the biggest bitch in human existence! False accusations! Obstructions of justice! Theft! Perjury! I wouldn't be surprised if she killed someone WHEN SHE WAS A BABY!" screamed his boss. "How the fuck are you gonna redeem her in season 2?!"

The showrunner steepled his fingers and simply said, "By turning her into a Kwami Wielder..."

His assistant raised a large poster with the image of Chloe dressed like bee.

His boss was not amused, "Tom… you can't keep turning every character into a—"

"I CAN AND I WILL!"

 _Back in the reality that matters:_

Chat Noir took his post on the roof across from Chloe's house. Pulling out his battle stick, he slid its video screen open. The camera magnified across the way into Chloe's room. There, in clear 1080p, the bitch was dressed as Ladybug, twirling her yo-yo and everything.

"No… it c-c-can't be," he stuttered.

"How long have you had that camera?" he heard a familiar snarl. Next to him was an uncomfortably close and frighteningly furious Ladybug and her taught yo-yo string. "And how many times have you used it to spy on me?"

Chat knew he should lie, but his pride as a chivalrous pervert demanded honesty.

"...Seven times."

"AAAHHH!" Ladybug tackled him.

 _Many strangulations later, in Chloe's Room:_

"Ooh, I like this knot," cooed a tied up Chloe, "Definitely trying this one on Sabrina next time she comes over."

' _Nudes ready for deletion,'_ chimed her phone.

"My what?!" her head snapped towards her purse. "Stop! Those are for ransom purposes—"

' _Now deleting Nudes.'_

"NO!" Chloe hobbled as quickly as she could and grabbed her phone. She hit the purple glowing stop button and a bright light shined out. From the light materialized Lady Wifi!

"S'up, _Ladybug_ ," the villain smiled.

With only a split second to decide on her course of action, Chloe's years of pampering and burning money to roast marshmallows kicked in. She ran like a child and immediately tripped. "No! Wait! she begged. "I'm not Ladybug! I'm, like, the opposite of a hero! I've never helped anybody in my entire life with anything, ever! I pay for my shopping sprees with the city's taxes! I take snacks from that box full of donated food meant for the homeless! I once bought a diamond necklace just to force Sabrina to wear it like a dog collar!"

"Oh, you're good, Ladybug, but you can't fool me," claimed Lady Wifi. She swiped her phone and froze Chloe. With another swipe a camera symbol appeared over them.

Across Paris, every television, phone, computer and jumbotron started a live feed of Chloe's room. Lady Wifi took her position at the prisoner's side. "Behold, ladies and gentlemen, proof!" She tore off the girl's mask, "Ladybug is Chloe Bourgeois!"

The citizens of Paris blinked.

Hawkmoth blinked.

Principal Damocles wished he could blink.

As every single Parisian, young and old, gaped at the revelation, the same singular thought surfaced, "BULLSHIT!" The collective cry of over 2 million people was mighty! Mighty enough to shake the very foundation of the building Ladybug was strangling Chat Noir on. The unexpected earthquake threw the heroes over the roof edge, off an oddly placed trampoline and into Chloe's room.

Everyone blinked at everyone.

"Uh… sorry to bust your news story?" offered Chat Noir.

"Okay, I'm confused," admitted Lady Wifi.

Ladybug groaned, "Do I have to spell it out?!"

"SHE'S THE REAL LADYBUG!" roared Paris, rumbling the neighborhood.

"But then how did… where did… why did she dress up as..." her voice trailed off.

"It's a hobby," screamed Chloe through a paralyzed jaw.

"My kind of hobby," Chat Noir naughtily whispered, taking note of the Ladybug-themed fuzzy handcuffs on the bed.

Lady Wifi spoke to the camera, "We'll be right back." She X'd the camera and the stop button out of existence. Now free, Chloe ran to hide the handcuffs, clamps, harnesses and the rest of her hobby essentials. "Take two, okay, Real Ladybug, I'm still gonna unmask you," the villain took a battle pose.

Ladybug eagerly gnashed her teeth and cracked her knuckles, "Don't worry, Alya, I'll save you. Even if I have to break both your legs to do it. After all, I owe you for the years of _friendship_!" A mad glint flashed in her eye.

Before Ladybug could release her inner beast, a volley of stop buttons flew at the duo. Thinking fast, Chat Noir hid behind the safest thing in the room: Ladybug. The heroine tittered as all of the purple missiles whizzed past her at point blank range. The villain grew frantic, "What? Why can't I hit you?!"

"Come here, Alya," Ladybug sang while marching towards her target, "Let's _hug_ it out."

Lady Wifi's pupils shrank as memories of what her father once told her flooded in, _"Don't forget, Alya, a stranger is lot like a wild animal. Might seem friendly at first, but can actually be very dangerous and— Alya, what are you blogging about?_

" _My fwend Mawinette! She almost got eated by snakes today!_

" _Alya, why awen't you helping me!?" screamed the recording of a toddler Marinette._

" _It's so funny!" giggled Alya._

" _Dear Astruc_ _, where did we go wrong?"_

However, the lesson had stuck and Lady Wifi ran out the bedroom door, screaming.

Ladybug frowned at the loss of her prey. She desperately needed something to release all this aggression. Chat Noir wrapped his arms around her from behind, "Tough girl giving out hugs? Sign me up."

"Close enough," she smiled.

 _Later:_

Ladybug and a slightly bruised Chat Noir stood outside the only door that wasn't locked with a stop button.

"Be ready for an ambush," warned Ladybug.

"Right, if I see any purple, I'll get behind you for safety and a voluptuous view," he waggled his eyebrows.

Her fingers tightened around her yo-yo string. _"Save the anger for Alya,"_ she thought to herself, "One, two, three!" They kicked down the door to what appeared to be the building's restaurant. It was eerily quiet. They crept their way to the tables, where they found…

"Phones?" asked Chat Noir. "Who would leave all these phones here?"

 _Meanwhile, at the orphanage:_

"Miss Acorn, what happened to phones the mayor said he was giving us," asked the wide-eyed little parentless child.

Miss Acorn pulled out the only item left in the box, a note: 'Making phone sculpture of me, so I need them more than you.' The photo at the bottom depicted Chloe flipping the bird.

"Maybe next time, Sally, maybe next time."

 _Back at the fight_

One of the many phones shot out light and Lady Wifi materialized in it. With an evil laugh, she rapid fired stop buttons at them. Chat Noir was caught off guard and had to hide behind a table. Ladybug was all too eager to get started.

"I got ya!" the heroine lassoed the villain, but in a flash of light she vanished. Another phone across the room lit up and Lady Wifi re-materialized.

"Think again!" the wickedly wireless wrongdoer whooped as she whipped from table to table, "I can travel at the speed of light! I am untouchable!"

Ladybug smashed one of the phones.

"...Merde," muttered Lady Wifi.

The heroine proceeded to smash every phone that was actually meant for some poor orphan until the villain had nowhere to hide… except the kitchen. Ladybug ran in after her and smirked as a purple button zipped right past her head

 _Click._

She didn't need to turn around to know what had happened, "You might think you've just locked me in here with you. But you're wrong. You locked yourself in here with me… _and my fists._ "

Lady Wifi gulped.

"Don't worry, my lady. I'll get you out of there," she heard Chat Noir call.

"No rush," she armed herself with frying pan, "I need time to _crack a couple eggs._ "

On the other side of the door, Chat Noir's hair, ears and tail stood on end. His lady had just made a pun. He needed to be in there, right the merde now.

Lady Wifi discharged as many buttons at the hero as she could. But the red menace just smashed them out of the air with the pan like they were flies. "You know what's gonna be the best part of this beatdown, Alya?" Ladybug crouched, ready to attack, "You ain't gonna remember any of it, so I don't have to hold back." She lunged, cooking utensil raised! And Lady Wifi de-materialized into her phone. Ladybug's momentum carried her across the kitchen where she smashed into a wall. The villain reappeared in a flash and pressed her phone to Ladybug's hands and fired.

Amazingly, with only half a centimeter to travel, the buttons hit.

Ladybug was now back in the all too familiar position of being at Alya's complete mercy. "Um, wow, tables certainly been turned," she tried to smile. "Starting to regret being so hostile." The villain swiped a new camera into existence and Paris was tuned in again.

"Sorry for the delay, everyone, but now it's time to find out the true identity of Ladybug. Who among us is the 3,000 year old Egyptian? Let's find out!"

Ladybug struggled, but the binds were unbreakable. Lady Wifi gripped her mask and pulled.

"Huh? What the… It won't come off!" It was true! No matter how hard she tugged, the mask held strong as if it were a second skin.

"My mask doesn't come off? Does yours?" questioned Ladybug.

Lady Wifi tried, "No! It doesn't!"

"Do all magic masks not come off?" wondered Hawkmoth. He pried at his own mask to no avail, "How curious...what could be the significance of not being able to remove—ah… ah-chooo! Sacre Bleu! Why aren't there nostril holes in my mask!? It felt like my nose exploded! Lady Wifi, make her to use her Lucky Charm, it'll force her to change back! Quickly, for the sake of my sinuses!"

Lady Wifi considered her options. To get a hero to use their trump card, they would need to accomplish an impossible feet in a short amount of time. A crisis of insurmountable odds.

The dumbwaiter buzzed open and Chat Noir jumped out, "Someone say something about clothes coming off?" His feet slipped on the discarded frying pan and he tumbled into the walkin freezer.

"Close enough," Lady Wifi locked the freezer with a swipe. She also unlocked Ladybug from her shackles, "Better think fast if you don't want a kitty popsicle." She laughed and disappeared in flash of light.

 _Outside:_

Chloe poked her head out of the front door to find her home surrounded by policeman.

"It's the hostage," Officer Roger identified to his men, "Open fire!" Roger raised his trusty pistol, but the Mayor swatted it down.

"Put that thing away before I outlaw guns like I outlawed pigeons," he reprimanded. "Come out, sweetie, it's safe." The scared little girl ran to her father and hugged him tightly.

' _Now deleting Nudes.'_

"Dammit, no!" she cried and hit the purple button on her phone. A beam of light erupted from the screen and Lady Wifi materialized on the roof.

The villain summoned another camera, "Okay, peeps, one last time. I got the story of the century for you!"

"They've declared France a police state?" dreamed Officer Roger.

"I've been voted mayor for life?" fawned Mayor Bourgeois.

"Uncle Donald's tweeting again?" hoped Chloe.

"Don't blink, because Ladybug is about to drop the bomb on her real identity," Lady Wifi announced.

"Aw..." groaned all three.

 _In the kitchen:_

"Give me one good reason why I shouldn't let you get frostbite," said Ladybug.

"Um," thought Chat Noir through chattering teeth, "how about-t-t-t you're being lives-s-streamed to all of P-p-p-aris?"

Ladybug frowned at the camera and leaned against the locked freezer door. "...Fine." She threw her yo-yo in the air, "Lucky Charm," and down came a ladybug-themed frozen meal.

 _THUNK!_

"T-t-t-tell me you d-d-d-didn't do what I think you j-j-j-j-just did," shivered Chat Noir.

"For your information, I didn't throw my Lucky Charm at the door. I tried using it as a hammer."

"P-p-p-progress, my lady," she could hear his eyes rolling.

"Well you tell me how to open a magically sealed freezer using a frozen meal that's not… microwave… safe?" Indeed, in the corner of the meal was a little symbol that told any hungry eaters to not microwave this container. Time stood still and all color was sapped from the world.

Ladybug's eyes landed on the MICROWAVE.

Back to the NOT MICROWAVE SAFE SIGN.

Finally to the wifi powered STOP BUTTON.

Acting fast, the heroine shoved the meal into the microwave and wheeled it on a cart to the freezer door. She plugged in the device, pressed it to the stop button and set the power to high. The microwave whirred to life and started sparking and glowing red hot. Ladybug ducked behind the cart for safety.

"ACHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

The freezer door exploded off its hinges and flew across the kitchen in a wave of superpowered spit and snot. It took Ladybug with it for the ride.

Chat Noir fell out, covered in ice.

"Bugaboo, please, I'm so cold. Hypothermia setting into my veins. Warm me with your body heat," he splayed his arms out with a poorly hidden grin. When he got no response, he cracked open an eyelid and saw a polkadotted arm sticking out from under the heavy freezer door on the floor.

"Uh… LB?"

The arm clenched into a fist and punched the ground, cracking the tiling.

"You know what, I'm feeling toasty!" Chat Noir shot to his feet and scrambled back into the dumbwaiter, "I'mma head up to the roof and destroy that wifi antenna." He punched the up button repeatedly. His doors closed painfully slow as Ladybug easily rose with the freezer door hefted above her.

Just before the dumbwaiter shut, she jammed the door in the last inch. Chat Noir screamed rather effeminately as she pried his hiding spot open. Ladybug leaned forward with a dull, lifeless gaze until she was mere inches from him.

"Hey," she greeted with unsettling calm, "I got an idea."

 _On the roof:_

Lady Wifi could only watch as the Ladybug whispered to a terrified Chat Noir. A few seconds later, the dumbwaiter took Chat Noir up and Ladybug lobbed the freezer door at the camera and the show was replaced with a black screen, "Merde, that girl is pissed."

"You're telling me," agreed Chat Noir who was suddenly there, "And I wanna get back on her _somewhat_ good side so… Cataclysm!" Filling his hand with the ultimate power of destruction he clawed the wifi antenna. The internet provider rusted and fell over.

"NO!" screamed Lady Wifi.

The broadcast ended.

Ladybug was freed.

Damocles blinked.

"You'll pay for this," the villain growled. Chat sprang into action. They exchanged blows with Chat focusing on trying to get her phone. They ended up in a grapple when Ladybug burst onto the scene.

With a quick flick of her yo-yo the string began to wrap around Lady Wifi's arm, but she was too quick! She twisted herself out of both of their reaches and jumped onto the roof railing. "Cool it! I don't even need to fight. Both of you have used your super moves, which means I just have to run out the clock and both your identities will be revealed. MUAHAHAHA—"

A greasy hand grabbed her ankle. There, scaling the building wall behind her, was an army of desperate blueballers!

"Look! She has wifi on her chest! It must be the internet in human form!" cried one.

"Porn!" the horde cheered, grabbing Lady Wifi and dragging her down.

"I'm not! No! Help!" pleaded the villain. A stronger hand grabbed her wrist and pulled her back up. She gasped as she saw her rescuer was Ladybug! "Oh my Astruc, thank y—"

Ladybug punched her in the face.

"That's for the snakes!"

The heroine took her phone and dropped her unconscious body on the roof. She smashed the phone and purified the Akuma that came out. She threw the remains of the frozen meal into the air, "Miraculous Ladybug!" Thousands of magical ladybugs were summoned and flew through the building.

Alya's phone was put back together.

All the orphan's phones were repaired and delivered to under their parentless pillows.

The wifi was restored and the blueballers' thirst quenched.

Hawkmoth waved a fist at his intricate window, "One day I'll have your Miraculouses and when that day comes..." His phone beeped. "Ooh! The moth of the day is the Diamondback Moth. How cute. Like!"

* * *

"Being suspended is crazy, girl," squealed Alya, "At first my parents were disappointed in me, but after I told them it was because I messed with Chloe, they got me a _new phone!_ "

"That's wonderful, Aya, how's your jaw?" she pointed to the thick bandage on her friend's face.

"Jealous? It's not every girl who gets to be touched by _the_ Ladybug," she caressed her battle injury with pride. "But anyway, I've been blogging about its features non-stop! Check out the rez on the camera!"

She scrolled through her photos. They were all of… Adrien.

Posing.

For the camera.

As if he knew Alya was there…

Marinette's neck cracked as her head turned towards Alya, "You have five seconds. Explain."

"Turns out, Adrien is more than happy to get his picture taken. You only have to ask," Alya answered nonchalantly.

Her wrench wound pulsed at this madness. _Ask? How can I ask when I can barely talk to him?_

"Don't worry, I'll send them to you to add to your collection," she then swiped over a couple more pictures, "Check this one out." It was a full body of Adrien but scribbled over almost completely in black, "If you color him in, doesn't Adrien kinda look like Chat Noir?"

Marinette didn't respond. Marinette didn't blink. Marinette didn't breath. Marinette turned around and threw the phone off her bedroom balcony.

"My phone!" Alya jumped over the railing after it.

Marinette went inside.

 **END**


	8. ADVENTURE TIME!

A/N:Links don't work here. but if you put "you (no space) tu (period) be" in front of that gibberish, it should work

I Swear it ISN'T Porn

By: I Write Big

"Watch this," I said pointing to the link — ( ) /aFV15izDttw

"What the hell?!" shouted Emmanuel Macron. "Who let this young man in here?" demanded the President of France.

"Door was open. Watch this," I pointed again —  /aFV15izDttw

"Monsieur President," a scared aid peeked out the window, "The alien ship floats above us!"

The great metal vessel perpetually spinned in silence. Its hulking mass blocked out the sun. On the ground, militia aimed their weapons high. The civilians that weren't fleeing for their lives were instead livestreaming the craft to the rest of world.

"Please?" I tried —  /aFV15izDttw

Macron ignored me and addressed his staffers, "Get all non-essentials out of the building. Get them to safety."

"What about you, Monsieur President?"

The politician hit a button on the desk. "They obviously know I'm here. No sense running." A huge hi-def screen flipped out of the wood, along with keyboards and microphones. "Might as well try and talk our way out of this."

"Uh… I wrote, directed and edited my own action packed audio drama episode of 'Miraculous Ladybug'. Spent several months getting voice actors in there and all that. I actually voice Hawkmoth." I raised the screen again, "Wanna watch it?" —  /aFV15izDttw

"Will someone get this kid out of here?!"

"Wait!" said a new voice. A woman stepped into the room, "Emmanuel, if you are staying, then so am I!"

"Brigitte, no! Think of the people! Think of France!" He held her close, "Both will need you if I am gone."

"I'mma start it up. Sounds good to you, then you're welcome to join me," I plugged Lappy into the impressive monitor on the desk and pressed play. —  /aFV15izDttw

"Stop that!" screamed the President, "That's a direct connection to the—"

The building lights went out. The huge monitors remained on, as the episode was replaced with an ominous glowing color, "So...You got more of these?"

"More of… what?" croaked Macron.

"The thing you just sent us. Not that bad. There more?"

"Sorry, only got the one," I said. Macron slapped me a little, "Ow… but there's like 26 episodes and a holiday special already out. Plus season 2 is coming up."

"Season 2, huh?" the alien considered, "Alright, we'll hold off on annihilation until they stop making this… what's it called?"

"Miraculous Ladybug."

"Right, cool. I'm sending this to rest of the fleet." —  /aFV15izDttw

The vessel then flew into the atmosphere.

Emmanuel and Brigitte gaped at the now empty skies.

I cleared my throat, "I'm gonna power on through how hot it is you married your high school teacher, and ask one more time," I pointed to the screen. —  /aFV15izDttw

Hey but seriously, readers, I put together a fun adventure based on my first ever Miraculous fanfic for your listening pleasure. It's even got a minimally animated title card!

Originally, I was gonna post this with the next chapter but I finished the vid early so… Why wait?

Check it out, leave a like, subscribe, follow me on twitter at RomanHowell, stalk me on facebook, mail unsigned letters to my home address which I have never given out to any of you… wait…

/aFV15izDttw


	9. 7 Draw Me Like One of Your Prench Girls

_A/N: Yo! Thanks to everyone who listened to my Miraculous Ladybug Audio Drama! To those who haven't, why not? It's action packed, corny and FREE! Search 'Miraculous Ladybug A Night of Misfortune' on YouTube and BAM! You're welcome._

 _PROLOGUE_

" _Where could I Write Big be?" Lappy worried. The sun was going down and the writer still hadn't come home yet._

" _Setting route for Hell?" offered the GPS._

" _Stop it, he's not dead," it beeped at the annoying thing. It faced its plastic screen towards the window as the streetlights came on. It hoped that, wherever I Write Big was, he was okay._

* * *

" _But Hawkmoth is clearly Gabriel!" I was not okay. The handcuffs dug into my wrists and the metal chair was really uncomfy._

" _You Americans zhink you are so smart," the officer snooted from across the interrogation table. His thick accent still hadn't lost its charm, "Zee ship is better if Hawkmoth is not Gabriel. Secretary falling for her boss? Blegh! Underappreciated, overworked woman changing zee heart of a criminal mastermind? True love!"_

" _Sounds more like you're rehashing 'Beauty and the Beast,'" I accused._

" _Zen, Monsieur Big, you are remaking '50 Shades of Grey!'"_

" _Bitch! Zee shots have been fired!" commented his smoking partner. Because in France, it is required by law for at least one interrogating officer be smoking at all times._

" _And you!" I pointed at the onlooker, "Why are you just standing there and letting your partner harass an innocent man?"_

 _She leaned down and puffed some smoke in my face, "I don't zee an innocent man. I zee an illegal immigrant."_

 _My face went pale, "...But I'm American and white. Doesn't that mean I can go anywhere without consequence?"_

" _Maybe in zee past," she put out her cigarette in the already full ashtray next to the other two ashtrays she had already filled. She lit another, "not anymore."_

" _Please don't send me back!" I begged, "You wouldn't be so heartless as to throw someone back onto the sinking Titanic, would you?"_

 _The Parisians regarded me with uncaring faces as the nicotine fumes funneled out the vents. At last, the officer who dragged me here leaned forward, "Admit Hawkmoth could possibly not be Gabriel and you can stay."_

 _Every one of my instincts told me to deny this falsehood. Every piece of evidence presented in the show clearly pointed to Gabriel. To hint repeatedly at one character only to turn around and reveal it was some other character that had not been introduced yet… that's just bad writing. And I should know. I Write Big. But pride be damned, I couldn't leave Paris yet. I still needed to find Astruc. I needed to ask him why._

" _Alright… there's a miniscule, microscopic, infinitesimal chance that Hawkmoth and Gabriel aren't the same person." I swallowed the bitterness left on my tongue._

" _Very good, American," he nodded to the woman and she unlocked my cuffs, "Stay out of trouble and you may stay in Paris as long as you like."_

 _I rubbed the soreness from my wrists and headed for the door, "Fine, I don't care. To be honest, I'm more interested in seeing who Miss Bustier ends up with."_

 _A well manicured hand pressed the exit door firmly shut and the smoking officer growled._

" _Miss Bustier is_ my _waifu."_

 _A vice wrapped itself around my heart as the woman's eyes pierced mine. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. And nothing scorns a woman more than when their waifus/husbandos are insinuated to not be single. After what felt like an eternity of staring back at a hungry lion, she opened the door._

" _I will be keeping my eye on you, American. Have a good night."_

 _I ran out._

… _TO BE CONTINUED…_

* * *

 _Chapter 7_

 **Draw Me Like One of Your French Girls**

By: I Write Big

It was a dark stormy night. The air chilled to the bone and everything was really scary. The school building was abandoned save for one frightened voice.

"Help! I'm too weak and female to save myself!" Marinette cried as she sped through the halls. Walking at a casual pace, but somehow keeping up with her was the despicable and totally not good Stormy Weather!

Marinette turned a corner, hoping to find a place to hide, when she came face to face with Lady Wifi! She spun back around but it was too late! She was struck with a stop button and could no longer move. For good measure, Stormy Weather froze her solid in a block of ice!

The poor blue-haired girl could do nothing as the villains congratulated each other on their catch.

"Not today, you vagrants," echoed a brave and totally not squeaky voice. From the roof dropped a kick-ass, manly man armed with a drawing tablet!

The villains were done for!

Stormy Weather aimed her parasol but the intruder was too quick! With a few heroic swipes on his tablet, the parasol was erased from existence! Lady Wifi tried to attack, but again he was quicker. With a flip of his pen he drew a mighty square. An unbreakable cube appeared out of thin air, trapping the monsters within!

The bad guys dealt with, the boy erased Marinette's ice prison. "Oh, Super-Nathan, you saved me!" she swooned into his muscular arms. "I was so powerless without you here. But where did you, such a noble hero, come from?"

"That is an overly intricate and totally original backstory that has to do with my parents actually being lost ancient Kwami wielders…" he paused for dramatic effect, "from the future."

"Oh, I would like more than anything to hear all about it, but shouldn't we say we love each other first?"

"You're right. Silly me."

"I love you, Super-Nathan. More than my sexy, tall and totally not uncool current boyfriend: Nathaniel."

"And I love you, Marinette. Even though Nathaniel is a really cool guy."

 _In reality: _

"And then they started making out and did the sex on each other," Nathaniel muttered to himself as he added the last details to the comic panel.

A bony hand slammed on his desk, "Nathaniel! Are you drawing porn in class again?"

"What?!" Nathaniel cried, his completely unmanly voice cracking several octaves at his scary teacher Miss Mendeleiev, "No, I n-n-never—"

"Ugh, just look at this _filth_." The pointy chinned woman lifted one of the sketches in disgust. "Such unhealthy obsessions with the _human_ _body_. This is why you're failing Science. Unlike humans, Science will never abandon you. Now get to the principal's office so you can miss the rest of class and further ruin your chances of passing Science."

He pathetically nodded as he crammed his drawings in his bag and slinked towards the door. However, before he got far, the poor boy pulled a Marinette and tripped, spilling his drawings for all to see.

"Ooh, he _was_ drawing porn!" chuckled Chloe.

"It's called ecchi, don't look!" he whined, trying to grab everything.

Unfortunately, Chloe got her bitchy fingers on his latest work. "Sabrina, check it out! He drew himself as a superhero! He looks like a stupid purple skinned, zebra-themed mime and he's saving _Marinette_!"

Everyone gasped.

Nathaniel blushed as red as his hair. He whipped towards the girl of his dreams to at least try to explain himself, but it was too late. She was staring wide-eyed, shocked.

He had totally blown it. He ran out of the room. Now she knew the truth and undoubtedly thought he was a total creep!

Marinette leaned towards Alya, "I don't get it, why did he leave?"

"...Because he's crushing on you..." Alya said like it was obvious.

"Who is?"

"Nathaniel."

"Who's that?"

"Oh my Astruc!"

* * *

Meanwhile, at the top of a hidden tower somewhere in Paris, a great spiral window opened illuminating the haunting figure of man in bed.

"Turn off that light!" Hawkmoth groggily sat up. He adjusted his butterfly themed PJs and shielded his eyes from the sun, "Already? Jeez, fine."

With an exhausted toss, he sent off one of his black butterflies.

* * *

The dark messenger fluttered into the school building. It found Nathaniel just as he was reaching for his dropped pen. It landed on the pen and exploded.

A pair of fashionable neon pink butterfly themed sunglasses appeared on his face and he saw a silver masked man sipping coffee. "This chapter isn't even on the fourth page yet— OH! Morning!" Hawkmoth jumped as he realized he had an audience.

His newest mind-slave waited in obedient silence.

"Moving fast today, aren't we. Right, okay, so I can give you powers…" he yawned, "but I kinda slept through your motivation. Guess it doesn't really matter. You can be uh..." his tired eyes drifted down to the boy's sketch of Super-Nathan. "That. You can be that purple smurf. And in exchange you get me… you know what, just transform and hit me up in an hour. I'm going back to bed."

"Yes, Hawkmoth," Nathaniel nodded as he was swallowed up by bubbling darkness.

Hawkmoth tossed his coffee and strapped on his glittery butterfly wing shaped sleeping mask. "Make it three hours."

* * *

Marinette rubbed her temples in frustration, "I don't get it. You're saying this Nathaniel, who I've NEVER spoken with, has a _thing_ for me?"

"Yes, what's not to get?!" Alya threw her hands up.

"But I like Adrien," Marinette reasoned.

"You...I… You… What? That doesn't matter!" Alya's brain started to hurt.

"Wait…" Marinette's eyes shrank as her mind started to connect the dots. "You can have a crush on someone even when they have a crush on someone else?" She looked towards Adrien as ridiculous fantasies sprouted. Could he possibly develop a crush on another while she wastes time fawning over him from a distance? Does he think as little of her as she did of Nathaniel? Is all this time dedicated to ogling better spent on asking him out herself? Should she just go for it—

"Marinette," Miss Mendeleiev's screechy voice broke her concentration, "for this assignment, you will work with Chloe and Sabrina."

"I'm what?" Marinette blinked. She had completely lost her train of thought, "Hold on, I think I just forgot something important. Alya, what were we talking about?"

"Nathaniel having a crush on you."

"Who's that?"

* * *

 _Later:_

Marinette eventually dropped the mysterious Nathaniel issue and met Chloe and Sabrina at their lockers. "I got more important things to do today instead of that presentation," Chloe claimed.

"Chloe, you're rich," argued Marinette, "You'll never have to lift a finger after you graduate."

"Exactly, I need to practice that non-finger lifting now while I'm young."

"It's okay, Chloe," Sabrina eagerly hopped between her feet, "Marinette and I will take care of everything! Just like how I've done all your homework since grade school, cleaned your house since the day we've met and never once was thanked for any of it! Because that's what friends do!" she smiled.

"Actually, that's a what a slave does," Marinette corrected, a little weirded out.

Sabrina shivered with pleasure and drooled a little, "Slave?"

"What are you saying? That I _abuse_ the only person in my life even remotely close to a friend and treat her like furniture?" Chloe scoffed.

"Basically," Marinette nodded.

"Oh yeah," growled Chloe, "Let's see how the two of you manage without my guiding radiance." She stomped away.

Marinette was about to comment on how the bitch just got out of doing any work when Sabrina latched onto her arm, "Oh my gosh, Marinette, you were so assertive… and sexy."

"Why did you whisper that last part?"

Sabrina randomly gasped loudly and jumped away, "Was I too forward? Do you not like being touched?" She prostrated herself, "Forgive me!"

Marinette was stunned to find someone meeker than her. It felt _strange_. "Um, don't worry about it?"

Sabrina peeked up at her, "You're… not going to call me trash? Step on me? Whip me raw?"

"No..." Marinette began to ponder about the nature of Sabrina and Chloe's _relationship_.

Sabrina stood up, watching the half-chinese girl with caution. Her hands awkwardly reached out, trying to find a natural way to touch Marinette. They attempted to settle on her shoulders, but somehow ended up around her throat. "Then we're… friends?" The word sounded wrong coming out of her mouth. Almost evil.

"Sure," Marinette whimpered.

Sabrina lept for joy, "Awesome! We'll do this project together and expose Chloe! See you at the library, Bestie!"

Marinette robotically waved at the departing girl and admitted to herself, she had made a terrible mistake.

 _Later, at the library_ :

"Juleka, why are all these signs sideways?" asked Rose.

Juleka patted her burden's innocent little head with a sigh, "They're not signs, Rose, they're books. They're supposed to look like that."

"I'mma fix 'em."

"Please don't!"

Rose then proceeded to happily tip every bookshelf on its side.

Speaking of sides, on the other side of the library, Marinette was dealing with her own crisis.

"What do you mean you're not going to do my part of the report?" demanded Chloe, "Did all those nights of passion mean nothing to you?"

Sabrina folded her arms, "I will hold those nights in my heart dearly but I'm no longer your slave. Just like Marinette said."

The girl in question was sitting between the two shouting partners, failing to ignore the word choices, "I don't want to read into what you're saying, but you're both making it VERY hard."

"But Marinette didn't buy a super cute beret at Gabriel's and I did." She pulled out the designer hat and showed it off. She held it out like a treat, "Maybe I could lend it to you."

Marinette relaxed. Bribery. This was somewhat normal. Something she could understand.

"Yes, I want you to shove that high quality fabric down my throat until I suffocate," Sabrina moaned, reaching towards Chloe. "No!" she sat back down, "You can't buy me back with your really, really adorable toys. Marinette is the only toy I need."

"This is making me uncomfortable," Marinette scooted away from the redhead.

Up on the second landing of the library, a purple faced figure watched the odd exchange. He drew his pen and quickly sketched a replica of the beret on the tablet attached to his wrist. In a wave of digital light, dozens of identical berets tumbled onto Chloe. A second later, a hairdryer the size of a car appeared! Shooting out a pillar of hot air, it chased poor bitchy Chloe through the library.

Both Adrien and Marinette quickly transformed and jumped in. Ladybug straddled the bucking machine, lassoing the front with her yo-yo.

Chat Noir watched from atop a shelf. "I got _wind_ you were being _blown away_ by a _hairy_ situation."

Ladybug's body clenched, ready to abandon the ride and tackle the cat-themed hero, "Enough with the puns!" As if in response, the hairdryer unexpectedly re-aimed itself. The huge appliance directed its fire at Chat Noir. He was blown clear across the room.

Ladybug sat there in confusion, "Um… good girl?"

The electronic gave a short burst of air that resembled a whinny. It peered into her eyes and she into its grate. Ladybug didn't know how, but there had appeared a mutual respect between the former enemies. An unnatural yet unbreakable bond through a shared violent hatred of puns. She felt in her heart and it calculated in its motherboard that this was a friendship that would span a lifetime warranty.

A bookshelf then fell over and squashed the hairdryer out of existence. "Yay!" cheered Rose, Vanquisher of Hairdryers.

"No! I was gonna call her Dyson!" Ladybug wailed.

Chat Noir slid off the wall and landed next to a rather plum colored individual. "Well, don't you look _sketchy_ ," he smirked, taking note of the stranger's pen and tablet. The hero readied to charge. However, with a flick of his wrist, the villain summoned an impenetrable wall.

Chat Noir repeatedly beat on the unyielding blockade and Ladybug repeatedly sobbed over her loss. Both were too distracted to realize the wall was only six feet tall and they could easily jump over it. He had escaped.

 _Later, at Chloe's house:_

Chat Noir explained the situation to Chloe while Ladybug looked like she wanted to throw up. "Seems like this _Evillustrator_ is after you in particular, Chloe. Any idea why?"

"Not really," Chloe absently doodled on a sheet, "I try to treat everyone equally."

"When you say 'equally' you mean like merde?" Ladybug grimaced.

"Exactly! They're not me, so how could they possibly be better? You totally get me, Ladybug. Selfie!" She pressed her cheek next to Ladybug's and took a pic. "You're okay with me dressing up like you when I sleep, right? Cool." She took another pic.

Ladybug grumbled as she pushed herself out of the diehard fan's grasp.

Chat Noir came to her side, "Hey, I know this may sound a bit petty, but what's with the lack of Chat Noir love in Paris?" Ladybug ignored him as her sights fell on the paper Chloe was doodling on. "I mean there's no Chat Blog or Chat Noir Fan Facebook Page. Not even a single Chat Noir twitter impersonator." It was a section from Nathaniel's sketchbook, specifically the panel where Super-Nathan held the safe and sound Marinette close. Chloe had drawn glasses, a mustache, a goatee and several dicks all over her. "All I'm saying is, I wouldn't mind if the girls pet the pussy every once in the while."

"You're right, Chat Noir," she dropped the page, "You deserve more credit. Why don't you guard this bitch by yourself and get all the fame for protecting the city's shining merde!" With that, she swung out of the room.

* * *

 _At Marinette's house:_

Marinette de-transformed as she dropped through her bedroom trap door. She angrily hocked her purse across her room and froze. For the second time that day, she realized she had made a terrible mistake.

"Did you _THROW ME_?!" the child-like voice bubbled with unbridled fury.

Marinette's educated response was to flip the mattress her purse had landed on while spewing, "I'msorryI'msorryI'msorry!" The abomination easily floated through the upturned boxspring, its godless eyes locked on her. She cowered as the Kwami approached with dark intent written across its tiny face. Tikki reached behind its back, pulled out Marinette's phone and whispered, "You missed a couple calls."

She guardedly took the device to find she had 189 missed calls, all from Sabrina. All within a minute of each other. There were even text messages. They were all of the same exact image of Sabrina standing in her bedroom.

Not Sabrina's bedroom. _Marinette's bedroom._

Smiling.

Waiting.

The only thing that changed was the sun slowly dipping towards the horizon.

Marinette spun in a circle, looking for any trace of the stalker. All she found was a gift basket with a card that said, 'See You Later, Bestie!' In the basket were several designer soaps, a gift certificate to the local beauty parlor and a doll made of what she hoped wasn't human hair. "It's rude to keep your _Bestie_ waiting, Marinette," Tikki smiled the devil's smile.

Marinette briefly wondered if possession would be the better punishment. But she had little time to consider her choices as her window was erased from existence. Tikki hid and through the gaping hole climbed the dangerous villain from before.

"Oh thank Astruc," Marinette breathed, happy that she didn't have to deal with reality yet. "Hi," a breeze whistled through the exposed jagged glass in the wall, "you gonna fix that?"

"Oh no, that window's gone forever," Evillustrator shrugged, "What I really came here for was to see you."

"That's so sweet," she smiled and discreetly reached for the rope holding the roof support beam together. With a tug, she could squash this bug. "Came to see me so you could hurt me, huh?"

"Actually, I, um, uh..." he blushed, scratched the back of his head, shuffled his feet. "I wanted to see if you would come to my birthday party tonight."

"Your… birthday?" she attempted to see through his diabolical plan.

He couldn't look at her. "Yeah, I-I-I was thinking like a b-b-boat party with lights, music and… just the t-t-two us."

Marinette had never been asked out before. She was not acquainted with the signs that a boy gives off when interested in a girl. The red/purple cheeks. The nervous stutter. The lack of eye contact. It was all new to her. And it didn't help that he wasn't Adrien. So, Marinette responded in the way she always did when facing something new in the world.

She freaked out.

Her spasming arm pulled the rope. The roof support came undone and sections of the ceiling collapsed. As the drywall settled, Marinette floundered.

"I'm-so-sorry-about-that!-Wait-why-would-you-ask- _me_ -on-a-date?-I'm-me!-I-can't-be-seen-with-a-boy-who-isn't-Adrien!-Plus-I-have-the-project-with-Sabrina!-Actually-I-don't-think-I-should-be-in-a-room-with-her-alone!-What-if-Adrien-thinks-I'm-taken-and-leaves-me-alone-forever!-What-the-hell-happened-to-my-roof!"

Her well thought out words were cut short by Evillustrator presenting her a rather nice sketch of her smiling face. The detail work was amazing and full of life.

Marinette looked up from the work of art and saw the kneeling boy before her. Frightened and still baring his heart. And there, the growing young child learned one of the essentials of what it means to be a woman.

Boys are just as scared of rejection as girls. Part of being an adult is being mature enough to let someone down easy.

She steeled herself to say no when a ball of cold collided with her spine. The icy sensation crawled through her entire body, numbing everything. When it reached her face, her lips moved on their own.

" _Yeah, okay_ ," her voice sounded as soulless as the ragged winds of a cemetery.

"Really? Sweet!"

" _But you gotta leave Chloe alone._ "

"Anything! See you tonight at the docks!" he drew himself a jetpack and blasted through the only other window still in tact.

Tikki flew out of Marinette's body and the girl could move again.

"Did you just—"

"Possessed you."

Marinette felt violated, "Why?!"

"Because you threw me!"

"No, I meant, if you could force me to ask out any boy, why not Adrien?!"

Tikki blinked and said like it was obvious, "Because I like to watch you suffer."

* * *

Marinette tried to ignore the feeling of demonic tendrils slithering across her body. Tikki said that was a normal aftereffect and should go away on its own in time. With no choice but to trust the creature, Marinette put the plan in motion. She called Chat Noir and told him to ambush Evillustrator at the party, making up the excuse of needing to go on a secret mission and couldn't be there.

"Is 'on a secret mission' code for on your per—"

She hung up on him and went out the back door… and ran into a smiling Sabrina!

"Friend!"

Marinette locked the back door. She went out the front door.

"Frieeeennnnd!"

Marinette barred the front door. She went out the side door. No one was there.

"Friend?" asked Sabrina from behind her.

"Fucking Astruc whoa!" Marinette screamed.

"Friend!" Sabrina held out a thick blue folder, "I did your homework for the next month ahead of time!"

"You wha—"

"I also hanged your laundry out to dry! Since, as Europeans, we don't believe in household dryers," she pointed to the multiple clotheslines above that waved several of her unmentionables for all of Paris to see.

"Why?"

"And I reconstructed your bedroom ceiling."

Marinette snapped around to see that the debris leading back to her room was gone. She slowly turned to face the bespectacled anomaly. "...How?"

The girl, who was looking more like her unstable cop father by the second, grinned, "Through the magic of friendship! Speaking of which, you ready to work on the presentation tonight, _Bestie_?"

Sabrina waited. Marinette gulped. Inside her purse, Tikki sneezed. Which, due to the Kwami not having a nose, was a horrific sight.

"Uh… about that… Really sorry, but this thing came up for tonight and I… can't."

"You can't?" all the redhead's eagerness vanished in a second and she seemed to retreat into herself. Marinette felt terrible to abandon this lonely girl who had known only abuse and neglect her entire life. She reached forward, determined to make things right.

The seven and a quarter inch thick folder ripped in half. Sabrina dropped the remains, set them on fire and flipped Marinette the bird. She left without a word.

Marinette scrambled with the bakery fire extinguisher before the flames could do any lasting damage. "Huh, and I thought I was the _cat-fighter_ ," said a voice she wasn't expecting. In her singed doorway now stood the cocky Chat Noir. She blasted him with the rest of the extinguisher.

"Oh so sorry!" she said with feigned remorse, "I was so starstruck that the real Chat Noir is in front of me that my finger slipped."

The boy coughed and fanned the potassium bicarbonate away as all four of his ears perked up, "Starstruck? Are you a..." he eagerly clasped his hands together and his eyes twinkled, "...Chat Noir fan?"

Marinette blinked, this was her third terrible mistake.

Not hearing a no, Chat Noir kneeled before his one and only groupie and kissed her hand, "Fear no more, princess," he announced, ignoring the burn of chemical residue left on his lips, "your one and only Chat Noir is here to protect you on tonight's outing with that dastardly bastard."

Again, Marinette blinked, "Who the fuck said you could touch me?"

He pressed into her hands an autographed picture of himself lounging like a cat, "No need to thank me, you enjoy that." He then proceeded to flex randomly, assuming she wanted to take her own pictures, "Unfortunately, Ladybug cannot aid me on this perilous undertaking, so I need you to be my Ladybug. When you're near that vile villain, get his pen away from him and I, the great and mighty Chat Noir, will take care of the rest." He gave her a salute and a wink and jumped away.

"If I'm gonna do this, I need a drink," Marinette went back inside.

* * *

 _Several bottles of wine later:_

Hawkmoth snored, "ZZZzzzzZZZ, mmm, your Miraculous will be mine, zzzZZZzzz, absolute power, ZZZzzzZZZ, yes, I would be interested in subscribing to Butterfly Monthly—Huh!" The man woke. "Why… is it so dark out? What time is it?" He checked the clock that was held in the air by his insects, "8?! I slept for over 11 hours?!"

The mastermind scrambled back into his costume, brushed his teeth and checked on his akumatized soldier. He could still sense him. Good! He was building a romantic boat on the Seine River… Unexpected.

"Hey, kid, just checking up. That thing there's part of your plan to get me the Miraculous, right?"

"Nope," the villain happily added some more candle-lit lanterns and a miniature Eiffel tower, "this is for my date with Marinette. I'm gonna make her love me."

"Ugh, teenagers," groaned Hawkmoth. Evillustrator's drawing hand suddenly cramped up and proceeded to gently slap his face, "No, we do not date when on the job!"

"Ow! But she's already on her way and I put so much work into this!"

The slapping hand sighed and flapped like it was talking, "...Fine, make it quick. Once this is over, though, back to hunting down the Miraculous."

"Okay..."

"I'm sorry I had to get mean back there."

"Yeah, yeah, I know you're only trying to help," he patted his haunted appendage.

"A boy and his hand. Match made in heaven," Marinette interrupted.

Evillustrator lept to his feet, "Hey, you came! And you brought… wine…"

Marinette chugged the last of the alcohol and dropped the empty bottle. "Good use of past tense," she belched.

Evillustrator wasn't expecting his date to come drunk, but he wouldn't let that get in the way of his perfect birthday. He put on a smile, "Just in time, let me finish adding the moon." He then drew a mini-moon over the mini-Eiffel tower. But since the moon doesn't give off its own light, he had to draw a mini-sun to follow the boat at a constant 132 foot distance. Being essentially a neutron star the size of a golf ball, the hungry little gravitational beast began to suck in everything around it.

Evillustrator moved it back a couple hundred feet for safety.

 _Later:_

The night was peaceful, the scenery was beautiful and the neutron star was only consuming river water and bits of roadway now. Marinette couldn't tell if the bubbly notes gliding out of her date's tablet were real or because of the pre-game wine, but then again, she didn't care.

"So, uh, you enjoying yourself?" the shy boy squeaked, scooting to the far edge of the bench they shared.

"Oh, I'm greeeeaaaat," she forced a smile, "I wanna be here. Y'up. This wazz my choice." She spied Chat Noir leaping ahead of them on the rooftops. Through the haze, she remembered she needed to distract him, "How 'bout you? Like bein' a villain?"

"I, uh, don't really see it as being a villain as having an opportunity," he continued to add more intricate details to the world around them. "With these powers, my imagination can run free. I can create anything."

"Create anythin' to hurt the peoplesses," she finished.

"As long as I have you, I'm not gonna hurt anybody."

The neutron star added a poorly moored speedboat to its mass.

"As longs as you has me? _Me_? Pfft, I'mma walkin' disaster. This one time, I wazz dreamin' I came to school in my underwear. Turns out, I wasn't dreamin'."

Evillustrator coughed into his fist to hide his blush, "I remember that day. It's alright, everybody's a bit clumsy. To me, the way you pick yourself back up every time makes you amazing."

Marinette laughed, the drink slurred her words, "Pick myshelf up? You kiddin'?" She hiccuped and then proceeded to weep hysterically. "I cry when no one'z lookin'! I pack up a suitcase and fan'asize 'bout runnin' away, _every day!_ I juss don't have the balls ta actually do it!" Her tears abruptly stopped and she happily rubbed Evillustrator's tablet. "Thass sho perty. I wish my phone could do that," she whined while rubbing her head against his chest.

"U-u-uh, M-m-m-m-m-marinette!" the boy couldn't get away from the suddenly clingy girl.

"Maybe it can!" She pulled out her smartphone and swiped through the settings, "Maybe if I put it in Airplane Mode!" She then threw her device at the water, "Transform! Transform, damn you!" Her phone impossibly flew across the water, gliding through the air, defying physics like a majestic eagle and was promptly swallowed whole by the grateful neutron star.

Evillustrator gaped at the girl's achievement.

"Bye bye, phone," waved Marinette. "Less try this next!" She ripped his pen out of his hand.

"No, don't—"

Chat Noir's battle pole extended into the floor in front of Evillustrator, blocking his path. "Good work, princess," the hero revealed himself, "just as we planned."

"What can we use as wingses?" drunk Marinette pondered as she searched the boat.

"Marinette..." Evillustrator gripped his chest in pain, "You tricked me? Did you... lead me on?"

"Ooh, I know, you kin draw 'em with your mashical pen… wait..."

The villain's sadness morphed into anger, "How could I be so stupid? You're no better than _Chloe_!"

Everyone gasped.

"Okay, that was too far," he admitted.

"You think?" Chat Noir rolled his eyes.

Evillustrator kicked the pole forward. The weapon struck the pen out of Marinette's hands and he caught it mid-flip. Chat Noir flipped after him, but the evil artist summoned a box that fell on both him and Marinette.

"Deal's off," growled Evillustrator as he erased a hole in the boat. "Chloe is going down. Just like you two." The villain disappeared into the night.

Chat Noir repeatedly rammed his thick hard rod, but he could not penetrate the box. "Don't worry, I'm not gonna let my #1 fan drown."

Marinette was too busy figuring out if this was the third or fourth time she's been stuck in a confined space with him. It was nice, for once, to not be the one panicking.

"You have nothing to fear!" Chat Noir tried to bench lift the edge of the magically weighed down cage.

Marinette settled on fourth. She watched the boy and asked herself why he didn't simply use Cataclysm. She was hammered and she had already figured that one out.

"I'll… save… you…" he breathed heavily, fruitlessly scratching at the walls, before collapsing out of exhaustion and the rapidly decreasing oxygen supply.

Marinette was actually rather tired and agreed with the boy's unspoken idea. She laid down to sleep.

"Are you kidding me?!" Tikki looked over the two unconscious, soon to be dead, teens. She dragged her nub of an arm across her face with a groan. As the water levels rose, the little Kwami pointed Chat's battle stick at the sky. She possessed both of their bodies to reposition them to grab onto the stick and press the extend button. The stick was strong enough to lift them and the box into the air, where they landed on a passing bridge.

Both woke with a start.

"Huh, whuh?" Chat Noir whipped his head around at their sudden safety.

"You rescued me—" Hiccup. "Rescued me—" Hiccup. "Saved my life?" she was genuinely impressed.

"Um, it was nothing," he quickly recovered, going back to flexing for his fan. "Sorry to leave you so soon but I got duties to attend. Damsels to save. That sort of thing. You can thank me later." He ran off, proud he was able to protect her.

Marinette scratched her chin, "Wha' do ya know, dat lunk can actually—"

"Less talk, more hero!" Tikki shouted. She dove into her mouth and punched Marinette's uvula, forcing the girl to purge over the railing.

The neutron star didn't mind.

* * *

 _At Chloe's house:_

"I mean, if you hadn't—NO! Sabrina, I would like to a-a-apo-apo-a piece of pie. UGH! I wish to offer my sincere con-con-condol-condescending remarks, I can't do this!" Chloe screamed at her mirror. The stress of not having everything done for her was driving the bitch mad. Mad enough to consider doing something she had never done before. "Astruc dammit, why is this so hard?! Sabrina, all I'm trying to say is I was w-w-wr-wr-wr-wro-right, FUCK IT! I'll pay someone to say it for me!"

There was a knock knock at her door.

"Who's there?" Chloe inspected her nails.

"Howie!"

"Howie? Howie who?"

Her door was erased from existence, revealing Evillustrator grinning like a hungry wolf.

"Howie gonna hide your dead body?"

Chloe screamed bloody murder and dove under her bed. Evillustrator strutted into the room. He saw where she hid, but he wanted to enjoy a little play first.

"Oh where, oh where could Chloe be? Are you… in the closet?" The varnished doors vanished! And Chloe's… _toys_ … tumbled out.

Chloe gasped.

Evillustrator blushed.

He erased them as quickly as he could, followed by her bed. "NO! I had those imported from Japan, you monster!"

"Well here, since you like to play rough!" He drew a giant stiletto. The fashion accessory chased Chloe into a corner. The bitch cowered as the shoe rose to stomp her flat.

"Wait!" the footwear froze as Chloe stood up and got a good look at its design. "You totally match my top!" She stuck her head inside the pump, "And just look at your stitchwork! You are so cute!" Pride started fill the shoe. If it could smile and stand tall, it would. "Sabrina would absolutely love to be crushed under someone of your stature. It's one of her fantasies," she whispered. The shoe didn't know how feel about that last part.

Suddenly, its heel was caught by a yo-yo and torn off. The shoe disappeared from existence.

"No!" cried Chloe.

"Shut up!" Ladybug cried even louder. She spun her yo-yo while gritting her teeth, "My head hurts, I'm pissed, there's a horrible taste in my mouth, and your shouting doesn't help!"

Chat Noir spoke softly by her side, "Still on your 'secret mission,' got it. We'll make this quick." He snapped his battle stick in two and threw them at their opponent. Neither hit the intended target but one did shatter a light.

The hungover Ladybug sighed in relief in the slight darkness, "Yes, please, turn off the lights. That's so much better."

"No, how did you figure out my only weakness was turning out the lights! I can't draw in the dark!" Evillustrator ran to the nearest still lit lamp.

Ladybug blinked before wandering to a quieter part of the room, "Chat Noir, just take care of this, will you?"

"No problem, my lady. Cataclysm!" summoning the ancient power of ultimate destruction, Chat Noir reached for the light switch. But Evillustrator erased it! Chat's claw burst through the wall and into the wiring. Several megawatts surged through his body.

The paralyzed and smoking Chat Noir fell next to the groveling Chloe. Evillustrator smirked as he slowly erased the floor from underneath them.

"Bugaboo!"

"What?" Ladybug sighed from a dark corner.

"Help!"

"Whatever. Lucky Charm!" Into her hands fell a tiny ladybug-themed bouncy ball. "What… the… fuck?"

"LB, the lights!" Chat Noir's eyes darted around. "With enough strength and the right angle, you could destroy them with one throw!"

"...That's a stupid idea."

"Wh-What? Then what are you gonna do? Oh my Astruc, don't tell me you're just gonna throw it at him—"

The dangerously small bouncy ball sailed across the room and lodged itself in Evillustrator's throat.

"Huh… fuck me," Chat Noir shrugged.

The villain turned a deeper shade of purple as Ladybug grumpily walked over, snapped the pen in half and purified the akuma.

"Hey, I need that ball back," she kicked Evillustrator hard and the plaything that's also hazardous to children under 5 years old popped out.

"Miraculous Ladybug!" A swarm of magical ladybugs were summoned and flew across the city.

The room was put back together.

Chloe's toys were returned.

The neutron star became the fourth dot in Orion's Belt.

* * *

 _The Next Morning, at the Locker Room:_

"And then that heartless Ladybug murdered the cutest shoe I had ever seen! Obviously, she was jealous!" Chloe ranted to Alya who was recording an interview for the 'I Survived An Akuma Attack Blog.'

Marinette rolled her eyes as she overheard Chloe's account of the night. She was just glad that the akuma was gone, Nathaniel was back to crushing on her from afar and there was absolutely nothing she forgot about.

"Forget about me?" Sabrina stepped out of Marinette's locker.

"WAA! How long were you in—"

"In order for her to take me back, Chloe said I had to sleep in your locker. She usually lets me sleep in hers," she shook with delight.

Again, Marinette pondered the nature of these two girls' _relationship_ , "Wait, take you back? After everything she's done to you?"

"Oh she said she was sorry."

"...She did?"

 _Earlier that morning:_

"Sorry," said Ape-man.

Sabrina teared up and hugged Chloe's knees, "Oh, mistress, of course I forgive you."

"'Mistress?'" Ape-man raised an eyebrow. Chloe handed him an extra wad of Euros and he decided he didn't need to know.

 _But enough of that:_

"The two of us will be working on the project in the library today," bragged the redhead, while adjusting her new beret. "And by the two us, I mean me. Chloe is much too busy, rich and beautiful to have to worry about responsibilities."

Marinette had learned long ago that sometimes crazy has its place in the world and it can't be fought. She sighed, "I'm glad you worked everything out."

"Y'up, she really is my Bestie!" Sabrina began to prance towards Chloe when a thought came to her. She turned back to the half-chinese girl with a warm smile, "Marinette, maybe things didn't really work out for us but..." her pupils dilated and she wrapped her fingers around Marinette's throat, "you're still my _frieeeeeeeeeeennnnnnnnnd..._ "

Marinette nearly pissed herself.

After the nutcase left, Marinette shut her locker door and found one last surprise.

"Hey, Marinette," Adrien greeted.

Her eye twitched as a hello. It was all she could manage. If she opened her mouth, random words would spill out. _"No,"_ Marinette's mind raced, _"if Nathaniel, whoever he is, had the courage to ask me out, then I can ask out Adrien!"_

"So I happened to overhear you got to spend time with the one and only Chat Noir yesterday."

Her mouth spasmed a little. _"Merde, he wants to talk about him? How the hell do I steer that to dating? Stop! Don't overthink this! JUST SAY THE WORDS!"_

"Lucky you, being such a big Chat Noir follower and all. You weren't scared, were you?" He pulled out a notebook to take notes. "What would you say are Chat Noir's best qualities and how could he could better himself to appeal to more fans?"

"Would you goat with me?"

Her world stopped.

Adrien blinked, "'Goat?'"

Blushing deeper than Nathaniel ever could, Marinette climbed into her locker and shut the door behind her.

"Okay, I'll... talk to you later. Have fun in there," Adrien left.

END

 _The goat scene was based on a true story._


	10. The Goat Story

It seems I have perked the interest of several of you with my mention of the goat story being a true one. Let it be known that NONE of us live normal lives. Our most embarrassing moments eventually become our most treasured.

...Still, I doubt any of you can top this…

...I present to you…

...For the first time ever on this website dedicated to fiction…

!—A TRUE STORY—!  
(aka The Goat Story)  
about I Write Big

Like most boys, I had a severe crush on the cutest girl. We will call her Cutest Girl. For Cutest Girl's own safety, and my own, I will not be disclosing how she looked. But if you ask nicely, I can give you one of her parent's expired credit card numbers.

Her locker stood next to mine. Which, in hindsight, made it a rather creepy close distance that I watched her from, unsure if I had the money to buy her flowers or the talent to write her poetry. I had never dated before, and being the oldest child, had zero siblings to ask for advice. No, my only instructors in the ways of love were my parents and cartoons. And I sure as hell was not going to ask my parents.

Weeks of psyching myself up and rehearsing with my dog came to a head when Cutest Girl suddenly did something she had never done before.

She talked to me.

"Hey, Li'l I Write Big, you remember if we had to read chapter 4 for History or chapter 5?"

My brain processed the situation much like how someone over 40 effectively uses social media. In other words, it didn't. I stared blankly at my crush, my mind blanking all possible thoughts while my vision started to blank out.

I was blanked.

And for some reason Cutest Girl took this blankness as a need for clarification. "You know, for the class we take together… the one about history… of the world."

Now, to understand what came out of my mouth, you must know something about me. In my younger years, I lived near a sweet old lady who worked on a nearby milk farm. She was a kind woman who loved the company of others, often inviting neighbors and even complete strangers to her workplace.

One of the highlights of visiting the farm was all the animals. There were dozens maybe even a hundred cows who were juiced daily for the local store. While the cows mostly kept to themselves, the friendly goats made up for them. The goats were almost dog-like in their need for attention and affection. Their constant baa'ing and scrunched face always made me smile and I usually thought of them when I needed to cheer up.

On instinct, my mouth sounded out the words I had for so long practiced, but my subconscious in an attempt to kickstart my vocal functions flashed an image of one of those happy animals. So I said… "Would you goat with me?"

The line was 'would you _go out_ with me?'

This is the point where the director should have shouted 'cut' and had me take it from the top. Alas, my life is only a movie to God and I'm pretty damn sure this is His favorite scene. Because it ain't mine!

"'Goat?'" Cutest Girl asked, "Wait… were you trying to ask if I'd _go out_ with—"

"NO!" I shouted. My noggin performed Olympic level gymnastics. Mental gymnastics. Gymentalstics. "I WAS ASKING IF YOU WANTED TO CHECK OUT THIS PLACE THAT HAS A BUNCHA THESE AWESOME GOATS!" I corrected a couple decibels higher than I should've. If this were the real Olympic Mental Gymnastics, I think I would've gotten a solid silver.

Slowly, ever so slowly, a smirk crept onto her face. It was the knowing smirk. The smirk that people get when they understand exactly what you meant. The one that, when girls use it, only means one of two things.

One: They're amused by you.

...Or...

Two: They're gonna use you.

I prayed it was the former. And a part of me I hadn't discovered yet quivered in desire for the latter.

"Okay," she wrote something down and handed it to me, "I'm open this Friday. That work for you?"

The scrap of paper she gave me had a series of numbers. Seemingly random… with an oddly placed dash after the first three— HOLY SHIT, IT'S HER PHONE NUMBER!

"Yes." My thought processors were on emergency cooldown at this point. Only basic communication was sanctioned for release.

"Call me," Cutest Girl waved in that cute way that solidified her as the best Cutest Girl in the world and left.

"Chapter 5," I said like it meant goodbye.

END

* * *

EPILOGUE

Turns out she was a jackass.

* * *

And that's the Goat Story!


	11. 2nd Miraculous Secretion

_A/N: ART! ART! ART! ART! ART!ART!ART!ART!ART!ART!ART!ART!ART!_

 _That's right, when I'm bored, I draw stuff. And I got so bored, I drew 2 moments from Miraculous Headache. I will continue to do such until someone pays me to stop! Or until I'm no longer bored. Whichever comes first._

 _Anyway, my profile on deviantart is ihsfilms. Check it out there. I'll let you know in upcoming chapters when I put up more._

 _And the cringe continues! I should probably see a doctor about that._

 _A special thanks to Shadow of the Elements for inspiring the ending. You have only yourself to blame._

Secretion 2  
 **Thorns  
** By: I Write Big

The world is filled with special snowflakes. Some are destined to be superpowered defenders of Paris. Others will go on to contribute to the world of science. Still more will become the inspirers of imagination. Humans are extraordinary beings whose only limits are their own drives.

And then there's Rose.

"Pretty, right?" the pixie haired girl held up her new pink book for Alya, Juleka and Marinette to see. "I always wanted a sideways sign! When I saw it in the store, I knew I had to get it!"

"'A Brief History of Time' by Stephen Hawking," Juleka groaned out the title. "Awesome."

"That's, uhh, kinda heavy reading," Marinette commented.

"No it's not, silly, my backpack is much heavier." Rose innocently chuckled.

Alya fiddled with her phone settings and framed the girl on the bench, "Oh this is perfect for my 'Cute but Sad' blog! Rose, read me the first page. Juleka, help her with the three syllable words."

"'Kay," shrugged Juleka.

Rose was confused, "Read? But I haven't written anything yet." She opened the hefty tome to show all the pages were blank.

Marinette inspected the book, "Rose, did you… paint over the words?"

"Well yeah, how also am I gonna write in my pretty new diary?"

"It is pretty," added a new voice. Chloe leaned on a tree nearby, smugly sneering at the group, "Pretty _pathetic_! Hahahaahaaha!"

"Thank you!" Rose eagerly waved to her, cutting Chloe's mocking laugh short. Everyone looked at the pink-loving girl. She was all oblivious smiles.

The bully scrambled to find a new insult, "I-uh-I mean, seriously, why do you get so excited over such a _bland_ notebook?"

"Bland? Is that like Nada?" Rose gasped, "Is my pretty new diary made by a big designer?" She hugged her precious treasure, "Oh, Chloe, you don't have to be jealous. I'll let you borrow it."

Chloe's face boiled red, steam impossibly billowed out of her hears. Marinette swore she heard a teapot whistle. "J-j-jealous?! As if! I wouldn't want your _tasteless_ notebook even if you _paid_ me to take it from you!" she growled. The girl took a couple moments to catch her breath as she waited for the tears.

Rose blinked. She sniffed her diary and nibbled a corner. "Ooh! Taste like pennies!"

"What the fuck is wrong with you?!" roared Chloe.

"Mmmfmphpfmllk," Rose explained through a mouthful of delicious paint covered paper.

Juleka uncaringly added, "Yeah, better off not even trying."

"Oh, like you'd know," Chloe jabbed a finger at the dark girl, "you little vampire."

In two nanoseconds, Rose slammed Chloe against the tree with a loud thud! Marinette gaped at the pure anger on the once sweet and childish girl, "Listen here, YOU WHORE! Don't fucking make fun of Juleka. She is the bestest friend a girl could ask for! Where's your friend, huh? Where's SABRINA THE TEENAGE BITCH? Got tired of your COCKGOBBLING DICKBREATH, did she?" Marinette and Alya cowered behind the bench as the monster continued. Alya, the trooper, kept recording. "Why don't you take her advice and shut that SLUTTY mouth of yours, take a vow of silence, and never speak to anyone again! Who knows? Maybe we'll finally have world peace without you doing your ADOLF TITLER impression every fucking day!"

Juleka calmly offered the open diary and a pen to the pinned Chloe, "Write, 'Rose, you and Juleka are awesome. From Chloe.'"

"What are you—don't just stand there! Get her off me, you idiot—"

"WHAT DID I JUST SAY, MISS FUCKTARD 2017?!" Rose unsheathed a pocketknife and stabbed the blade into the trunk, dangerously close to her prisoner's ear.

Chloe grabbed the pen and wrote the note as quickly as she could.

Juleka showed it to Rose, "Here."

The mad girl's foaming mouth was immediately replaced with a giddy smile, "D'aw, Chloe, that's so nice." She dropped the traumatized blond and cuddled her diary.

"What the… what?" whispered Marinette.

"And upload," Alya tapped her screen.

"Hey! Who else wants to write something in my diary?" Rose skipped back to the bench.

Not wanting to invoke the wrath of the creature before them, the two quickly added their own little niceties to the pages.

"How cute, Marinette, you drew a flower!" Rose cheered.

"Actually, if you look closely, it's a rose, Rose," said the nervous Marinette hoping her cleverness would appease the beast.

The bubbly girl took another look, "That's not me, silly, I don't look anything like a flower," she giggled.

"But you… are Rose and it is a—"

"Marinette," Juleka's bored expression was filled with both great wisdom and silent defeat, "let it go."

"...Okay."

Chloe crawled away.

END

 _Guess that Rose has got some…_ thorns!

 _Thank you! Slap my face for that pun in the comments, I deserve it!_

 _God, I hope that language doesn't get me flagged. You guys can handle it, can'tcha? Thanks again, Shadow of the Elements, for all those naughty words._


	12. 8 Miraculous Turnabout!

A/N: There is a cover for this chapter! It's available to see on deviantart under my username ihsfilms.

 _PROLOGUE_

 _I had always been cautious when walking around Paris, only coming out to book it to work or get to some place Astruc claimed he would be at. But now that the local police knew of my existence and made their rules clear, a sense of liberation came over me. Rather than scurry home, I decided to explore the city to its fullest._

 _Bright street lights beckoned me down dozens of hidden cobblestone roads. My feet glided through them all as I tried to capture every beautifully constructed facade. Soon my lungs were burning and I stopped to catch my breath. This city was everything that I had hoped and I had only scratched the surface._

 _I sat on the rim of a fountain. In the center, a cherubim endlessly poured water from a stone jug grasped in its angelic arms. As I stared at the hand carved artwork, no doubt hundreds of years old, I realized something important._

 _I was fucking lost._

 _I whipped out my phone only to remember I had no idea where I lived. Each outing, I had simply memorized which turns to take. Two rights, straight, then a left to McDonald's. McDONALD'S! I could go to the McDonald's where I worked and find home from there. I googled. At least 13 restaurants scattered across the city._

 _Shit…_

 _I briefly considered retracing my steps back to the police station when the memory of cigarette smoke in my face changed my mind._

" _Little boy, what are you doing out here zis late?" a voice broke the silence. A hunched and greasy man stepped into the courtyard. It was only at this moment I took notice of how empty Paris felt at night. Weren't big capitals like this never supposed to sleep? Where was everybody? "It is not safe in zis part of Paris." The strange informed me, limping a bit closer. "Come wiz me, I will take you somewhere safe."_

" _You're not a child molester, are you?"_

" _WHAT?! NO!... I am organ harvester."_

 _I ran away, screaming._

 _The man watched me go as his co-harvester struggled to wheel a grand pipe organ out of the alley. "What did you say to him?"_

" _I don't know," the man shrugged, "I guess he doesn't like the music of organs."_

 _...TO BE CONTINUED..._

* * *

 _Chapter 8  
_ **Miraculous Turnabout!**  
By: I Write Big

Growing up is… odd.

Many children pine for the day they will be finally accepted as an adult, thus allowing them the full experience of what the world has to offer. While it is true there's a lot more dirty jokes, booze and sex, most don't consider the general law abiding, tax paying, and _**soul crushing**_ that comes with adulthood.

Dreams of being the greatest jewel thief of Paris are often put aside for a salary that can sustain living alone or, in Tom Dupain's case, the family he suddenly had. Bills, loans and debts were no longer fun words used in board games but real monotonous number chasing. Many nights were spent in fitful anxiety, dreading the day he would be fired from his unfulfilling, part-time, minimum wage cashier job and end up losing their trashy apartment. Forcing him to crawl back to his parents and beg for a little money to survive.

Then he got in his head that college was a good idea. Four years later, he had a degree, $50,000+ owed to some bank, and a new job: working in his own bakery… as a _cashier_. WHAT WAS THE POINT?! He tried applying to all the dream positions in those jewel designing firms he now qualified for, but guess what? So did the 20 million other students who graduated that year! And the 20 million the year after that! Oh wait, graduation was on the rise, add another 5 million higher educated minds Tom had to compete with for that one good paying job! So he ran that cash register in the sliver of a crumb of a taste of a hope that one day he'd get a big break. One day, he'd get an interview, rob the great diamond vaults of Switzerland and kiss this hellhole of a life behind.

Until then, Tom… get back to work.

This has been your subconscious, Tom. Are you disillusioned yet? Good! Now tell Marinette's friends how much you _**love**_ your job.

Mr. Dupain jolted out of his stupor and spoke to the students, "My day begins at 4 am, every morning..." his opener ended with a hint of despair. "Because the bakery opens at 7… every… morning…" The class started to grow uncomfortable with the man's sad tone. "You'd think that the life of a baker would get boring with the same routine. Baking the same cakes and the same rolls for 15 years… _every… morning…"_

His voice became hollow and empty and his eyes glazed over. He no longer spoke. Silence reigned.

"Okay, thank you, Mr. Dupain!" Miss Bustier quickly jumped in, "Now, Marinette will hand out fresh croissants from their family bakery."

"...Dad?" Marinette nudged him a little. He briefly snapped out of it.

"There is no meaning!" he shouted.

 _Outside the classroom:_

Adrien was on his phone, listening to a recording of his father.

"—press five. If this is the French IRS, press six. If this is a blackmail and/or kidnapping ransom message, hang up. And if this is Adrien, I'm sorry I can't come to the phone right now. Please leave a message, but know that I will always lo—"

 _BEEP!_

"Hey, Dad!" the boy grinned, "I know it's not one of our scheduled Being in the Same Room Days, but since it was Career Day, I was hoping you'd come over. Call me back! Love you! Miss you! Haven't talked with you in a month!"

He hanged up and went back into the classroom with a smile that reeked of denial.

No one noticed that pain, though, as they were too busy recording the wrestling match that had broken out as Officer Roger attempted to restrain Marinette's dad. Alya was eagerly directing Nino's camerawork. "Closer, Nino! Closer! I want to see the whites of his eyes!"

"Where's the zoom button on this thing?"

"There are no buttons on rich phones!"

"...Whoa..."

"NEVER GROW OLD, CHILDREN!" Mr. Dupain proclaimed.

"Marinette, croissants!" instructed a desperate Miss Bustier. "And now we will hear from Alya's mother, who is head chef at The Grand Paris Hot—"

"DIE NOW WHILE YOU'RE YOUNG!" Officer Roger put the huge baker in a sleeper hold and he drifted into a near unconscious slumber.

With that taken care of, Marinette started handing out the fresh goods. And Chloe thought it would be the perfect time to show off her newest toy.

"It's beautiful!" crooned Sabrina at the sight of the gem studded golden choker.

"Had to get it specially fitted for the dog leash," Choe bragged. She then slapped Sabrina's reaching hands, "You know the rules! You have to be a good girl and wait until tonight," she soothingly whispered into her ear.

Sabrina shivered, imagining the constraint of the unforgiving metal clenched around her throat.

"Chloe," asked Mayor Bourgeois, "is that your dear passed grandma's bracelet?"

"She ain't using it," shrugged Chloe, tossing the jewelry into its big round container. She dropped the priceless heirloom into her purse.

Plagg, who had only seen a few round things in his brief several millenniums of existence, easily mistook that jewelry container for a wheel of camembert cheese. He dove from Adrien's bag into Chloe's purse and opened the container. "Man… this ain't cheese," he concluded. "...Eh, I won't let that stop me." He shoved the entire thing in his mouth.

The non malleable metal got caught in the Kwami's windpipe, choking him. Plagg tumbled, knocking over the purse and tripping Marinette.

"Can you not fall on my possessions?!" bitched Chloe as she grabbed her handbag, "They are worth more than you!" Marinette quickly apologized and started picking up the spilled food.

"Thank you, Mrs. Cesaire!" interrupted Miss Bustier.

"Um, I wasn't finished," said Alya's mom.

"So sorry, we need to move things along," Miss Bustier nervously pushed the woman back towards the desks, "Lots to do… with my students… when there aren't any _adults_ around."

"Did you just wink at me?"

"Next is Sabrina's dad!" she shouted. "Who is a..."

"Policeman," Roger proudly proclaimed.

Miss Bustier's face went pale.

"I've been a police officer for 15 years," Roger told the class, "And I'm proud to say that in those 15 years, I've only had to fire 37 clips." He then drew his pistol for all to see, "Beauty, isn't she? Only one on the force." He twirled the fully loaded weapon on his finger, "But it's not all about being a badass. To be the thin blue line between society and chaos, one must be calm, fair and level-headed."

"My bracelet, it's gone!" wailed Chloe. "You!" She stuck her bitch nose in Marinette's face. "You faked falling over and stole it, didn't you!? J'accuse!"

"W-w-what? I didn't—" stuttered Marinette.

"My daughter? A thief?" roared the now waking Mr. Dupain. His eyes glistened with prideful tears, "Just like her father!"

BANG!

Some of the ceiling drywall landed on Roger's shoulder as he replaced the clip, "38. Hold on, Miss Bourgeois. While the j'accused does have a record, it's not for theft. I have witnessed many of her felonies and can safely say pickpocketing is not part of this very dangerous criminal's MO."

"Um… thank… you…?" Marinette scrunched eyebrows, not sure how to respond to being called a criminal.

"Daddy!" Chloe demanded.

"Roger," the mayor ordered, "Search this girl!"

"I'm sorry, sir, I can't frisk a minority just because they look suspicious. This isn't America."

"I'll do it," purred Miss Bustier.

"That's it, Roger," he pointed a pudgy finger at the officer, "YOU'RE FIRED!"

The grown man blinked in shock, "B-because of the uniform violations?"

"No."

"Because of the improperly filled out Daily Reports?"

"No."

"Because I've been cheating on my wife with my gun?"

"Merde, no!" the mayor threw his hands in the air, "Because you wouldn't search an underage girl my daughter randomly j'accused of stealing a bracelet from her!"

Roger couldn't find the words to respond. He solemnly put his badge on the desk, followed by his pistol, then his pants. With nothing left but his dignity and his underwear, the man left.

"Just to be safe, I should do a cavity search too," Miss Bustier told the mayor as she snapped on a rubber glove.

* * *

Meanwhile, in a tower hidden somewhere in Paris, a great spiral window opened illuminating the haunting figure of a masked man who wasn't sure what just happened.

"I'm… _I'm_ the bad guy, right?" he asked his butterflies. "'Cause that was just… wow. Forget the injustice, that family lost their income. Astruc damn..." He filled a butterfly with sickly dark energy and it flew off. "Just what the fuck?" asked Hawkmoth.

* * *

The disturbed Parisians parted for the sulking half-naked man as he made his way to his police cruiser and climbed in.

"Guess my childhood dreams are over." Roger sighed before drawing his state issued shotgun and donning a red clown nose. "Welp, time to go on a rampage." He honked his nose, cocked the boomstick and aimed at a passing elderly woman. But then a black butterfly landed on his police whistle and shattered.

"Hey! The hell?!" sputtered Hawkmoth. "Look, I know you lost your job, but come on. How about instead of taking this to a ten, we deliver our own street justice?"

"Yes, sir," smiled Roger.

The man and his car were swallowed up by bubbling darkness and were both transformed into sick Transformers!

"Bring the criminals in, Rogercop, and, while you're at it, bring me the Miraculouses of Ladybug and Chat Noir! Deal?"

The newly formed cyborg's legs whirred as he disembarked from his vehicle.

"Beep," he affirmed.

* * *

"Don't worry, I'll be _gentle_..." grinned Miss Bustier. Her fingers wriggled in their plastic gloves.

Marinette's father hid her behind him, "None of you are going near her. My daughter is clearly innocent." He leaned over and whispered to her, "I'm so happy to be here for your first steal, honey!"

"But, dad, I didn't do it!" she whispered back.

"Right, good, keep that up," he gave her a thumbs up before turning back to the j'accusers. "I'd like to see your proof, Mister Mayor, if that is that is in fact your real hair color."

"Wait! Alix is a time traveler!" Marinette ran to the pink-haired girl who was lazily popping her bubble gum, "She could—"

"Nope," Alix flatly interrupted. "You know the rules, only one time travel favor per friend. You already used yours last Tuesday when you asked me to steal you a pair of Adrien's used underwear—"

Marinette covered the other girl's mouth and shouted, "Understandable, Alix! Completely understandable!"

Adrien raised an eyebrow.

Marinette asked the rest of the room, "Any other ideas?"

"HOLD IT!" Alya jumped in. "Nino was recording the whole thing!"

Everyone turned to the camera-boy who was halfway done pocketing Alya's phone. "Y'up," he nervously pulled it back out, "I got the 500 Euro piece of plastic right here. Wasn't planning on stealing it, no siree."

Mr. Dupain's confidence faltered as they gathered around the incriminating device. He gently took his daughter's shoulders and muttered. "Slowly back out of the room, Marinette. It's time I taught you how to run from the law."

"Dad, stop!" she shoved out of his reach and marched to the group. The video fast forwarded to the point where Chloe first pulled out the bracelet and Sabrina touched it.

"TAKE THAT! Looks like we have another suspect," Marinette pointed a finger. "J'accuse!"

Everyone turned to the newly suspicious girl. "Alright, I confess! It was me! I took the bracelet! I couldn't help myself! I'm a disgrace! A stain upon society! Do what you will with me..." She crumbled to the floor.

Miss Bustier snapped on a pair of fresh gloves, "Police procedure. Bend over."

"Oh wait, she puts the bracelet back in the next part of the video," Nino informed.

Chloe gave the redhead an unamused look.

Caught empty handed, Sabrina sheepishly tapped her fingers together, "Um, I'm a bad girl?"

"Ugh, come on! I want to get into one of my student's pants today!" chastised Miss Bustier, "I mean, uh, for the sake of the investigation," she clarified to the confused parents. Her quick turn knocked the papers Nathaniel was carrying out of his arms. As they fell to the floor, one landed face up with a rather detailed sketch of THE BRACELET!

Everyone gasped!

Miss Bustier grinned.

"O-M-A! Nathaniel stole the bracelet and he turned it into a drawing!" Rose concluded.

* * *

 _Outside the school:_

Miss Mendeleiev's nuclear powered watch she personally designed in her homelab was accurate to the microsecond. So, she could say with absolute scientific certainty that she still had 58 minutes and 29.0993 seconds before her next class.

Still, that was no excuse to be inefficient. With no cars in sight, she crossed the one lane road while the light was still red and tossed her coffee cup at the trash.

A couple steps later, a blue hulking metal object crashed in front of her.

It was the man of her dreams.

"Halt, you are under arrest for jaywalking and littering," the machine informed.

"By Einstein's ghost… look at those sprockets! That chrome finish! That thigh gap!" the scientist examined him with excitement. "Who designed you? Why did they make so buff? Do you have wi-fi?" She started tracing his servos with a hint of desire.

"I am designed by _the law!_ " His eyes glowed red and he aimed his arm at the woman, "I sentence you to trash duty." A pair of red and blue lasers shot out and struck Mendeleiev. The lasers remained on her wrists like cuffs and tried to drag her away.

"Wait! No! I must study you!" Using all her strength, she pulled against the restraints and reached towards Rogercop. She twisted a knob on his chest and a hidden door there popped open. Mendeleiev was greeted with Officer Roger's untrimmed, forest-like human chest. "MY EYES!" she screamed before the lasers pulled her to the nearest trashcan and forced her to pick up any loose garbage.

His job done, Rogercop closed his chest cavity, turned towards the school and found a little girl staring at him. His databanks designated her as Manon. She was armed with a blowtorch.

They stared at each other.

The child's eyes narrowed, waiting for the cop's next move.

"Do you have a permit for that?" he asked.

She wordlessly held up her papers.

"Carry on," he entered the school building.

"Punk ass pig," Manon spat.

* * *

 _Back in the classroom:_

"Give me the video," Mayor Bourgeois held his demanding hand out to Nino. "I'll have my top video analysts edit it to fit my agenda."

"I'm sorry, Chloe," Sabrina clung to her uncaring mistress, "I'm not worthy of your love!"

"I swear, I can't stop my hand from doing anything anymore," defended Nathaniel, "Ever since Hawkmoth akumatized me, my hand has a mind of its own." His drawing hand unnaturally cramped up and slapped Miss Bustier's ass. "AH! I DIDN'T MEAN TO DO THAT!"

Miss Bustier smiled bashfully and blushed.

Through all the chaos, Adrien felt something bump into his ankle. He found Plagg rolling around, his eyes bugging out as he was choked by something lodged in his esophagus. Something big. Round. Shaped like a… BRACELET.

"...motherfucker..."

He casually picked up the culprit and walked out with anyone noticing. With a little twist, the bracelet was now on its side. Still trapped in the Kwami and stretching his neck as wide as his head, it still allowed all air to whistle out.

Plagg gulped down the life-giving oxygen, "Damn, man, I thought I was gonna die without tasting camembert again. My entire life flashed before my eyes… I got so much puss."

Adrien's attention was then caught by the metal grinding of Rogercop's legs as he marched onto the school grounds. "Oh no! That villain is going for the school maid!"

Fred Haprele swung his push broom onto his shoulder and fixed the robotic stranger with a challenging look, "You can't just walk in here."

"Identify yourself, civilian," Rogercop instructed.

"Usually, I'm a school assistant, but, right now, I'm the security around these parts," Fred tightened his hold on the wooden pole, ready to defend every last life in the building.

"Error, no such profession as school assistant. Identity found: Fred Haprele. Janitor. Part time street performer. Threat Level: Loser."

"...Loser..." Fred's lip trembled as a tear dripped down his face. He curled up into a ball and wailed like a baby. Rogercop wordlessly took a picture.

"Well… so much for the help lending a hand," Adrien shrugged. "Let's get in there. Plagg, claws out!"

"Wait, man, don't!" Plagg whistled as he was sucked into the ring. In a blast of black he became Chat Noir… with a golden bracelet in his throat.

"CLKKjksdherr!" he croaked.

* * *

 _Back in the classroom:_

"This is ridiculous! Ladybug is over 5,000 years old! It's not kiddie porn!" claimed Mayor Bourgeois. "I am having a word with your principal!" He stomped out.

Marinette tried not to throw up, "All I'm trying to say is we're all guilty of something. I tripped on the bag. Sabrina held the bracelet and Nathaniel sketched it. We're all suspects here."

"OBJECTION! Just because my hand sketched it, doesn't make it a criminal," Nathaniel frowned, trying to ignore how hard his possessed appendage was trying to stab Rose with a pencil.

"Aw, it wants to be friends!" Rose tried to pet Nathaniel's hand.

"It's agreed then," Miss Bustier dropped a jar of vaseline on her desk, "all three of you get searched. Come here."

"HOLD IT!" Mr. Dupain pounded Marinette's desk, "This isn't justice. We can't go around j'accusing innocent children. What's happened to us? How did a missing bracelet turn us all into _animals_?"

Everyone heard what he said and hung their heads in shame.

"And also, I HAVE THE GUN!" Tom raised Officer Roger's pistol.

Everybody screamed and ducked down in fear.

"DAD?!" shouted Marinette.

"Honey, grab your things, we're getting out of here."

"I knew you took my bracelet!" Chloe screeched.

"Fuck you," Tom fired a warning shot. "Nobody get any wise ideas about following us either. If I see one cop—"

The door opened and Rogercop entered, "Meep morp," he announced.

"I never thought I'd say this, but thank Astruc, a policeman is in my classroom!" celebrated Miss Bustier.

"Where is the mayor?" the robot inquired.

"Officer! He's got a gun!" Mrs. Cesaire pointed at Tom.

The robot swiveled around towards Tom. He fired a laser, knocking the weapon out of his grasp.

"Huzzah!" they all cheered.

Rogercop swiveled back, "Where is the mayor?" He aimed his lasers at everyone, "Answer, or I will open fire."

"Crap," they all groaned.

"Comply or die..." Rogercop's eyes glowed red.

"You will rue the day you ever crossed me, sir!" the mayor's voice echoed in the distance. Rogercop lowered his weapons and exited. In the halls, he passed by a hidden Marinette, who had escaped the room in the turmoil.

"I don't wanna be a detective anymore! I don't wanna be a detective anymore! I don't wanna be a detective anymore!" she hugged her knees in terror.

"Great, because you're bad it at it," Tikki rolled her eyes.

"Why the hell did my dad pull out that gun? I look super guilty now!"

"Sucks," Tikki said without single ounce of empathy, "We got more pressing matters to deal with! Let's go already!"

 _In the locker room:_

Chat Noir was bent over a bench, repeatedly bashing his stomach in an attempt to dislodge the choking jewelry. No matter how hard he pushed, nothing came out.

A coo made him stop.

On the windowsill next to him sat a live pigeon.

 _In the principal's office:_

"So, we must all ask ourselves, do we own our possessions or do our possessions own us?" Principal Damocles concluded with a smile.

"I came in here to threaten your school funding, not get a lecture," howled the mayor.

"Can't we do both?"

Rogercop kicked the door off its hinges, "Beedy beedy beedy. Mayor, you are under arrest for abuse of power."

"What?! That's preposterous!"

"I'm cool though, right?" asked Damocles.

"Being a nerd is not a crime… yet," Rogercop hungrily gritted his teeth.

He aimed a laser arm at the politician, only for a ladybug yo-yo to wrap around it. The cyborg turned to see the polkadotted heroine holding the other end of the string tightly, "Ladybug, Paris has a new righter of wrongs. Your services are no longer required."

Ladybug blinked. "Really?"

"I am programmed to uphold the law," he nodded.

She thought for a second, trying to figure out how a superpowered policeman was a bad thing, before loosening the string, "Yeah, okay, go for it."

Now free, Rogercop re-aimed at the mayor.

"AAAAACHOOOOOOO!" The building shook and a flash of gold ripped through the wall, ricocheted off Rogercop's arm and blasted through the roof. His laser wildly missed, striking Damocles instead. The principal started to repeatedly give himself wedgies. The mayor ran out.

The robotman followed, his reticle was locked on the fatty man's back. Only for a blond girl to step in the way, "Yo, Officer Bucket-of-Bolts, you gonna arrest Marinette and her crazy dad or what?" He pushed Chloe out of the way just to see the Mayor flee the building. Sending power to his leg thrusters, the machine launched himself across the yard and landed at the front gate.

A smug Ladybug leaned on the doorway next to him, "He went that way."

Following her finger, he spied the mayor scrambling for his car keys and raised his laser arm. Only for Chat Noir to jump on it. Again his fire missed, but this time struck the mayor's car, leaving a hidden tracking device on the vehicle. The mayor drove away.

"You are obstructing justice, Chat Noir," the mechanized judge targeted the hero.

"You better add bodily harm to those charges," Chat drew his battle stick and the fight began.

Ladybug palmed her head at the sight of the two brawling, "Don't be like that, Chat Noir, this works out for the both of us. He fights all the city's crimes and we don't have to do anything."

"What are you talking about, my lady? He's a villain! He'll charge innocent minorities with the most trivial of crimes and punish them their entire lives for it! He'll take away their right to vote! Their access to welfare and good employment!"

"Again, this isn't America," Rogercop reminded as he grabbed Chat Noir and tossed him in the trashcan Miss Mendeleiev was still filling up. He snapped his fingers and his kick-ass muscle cop car pulled up.

Before he could get in, Chloe's voice scraped his ear circuits, "Officer Robo-chump, I still have a serious problem."

Rogercop's incineration protocols primed themselves, but were overridden by his serve and protect programs, "Get in." He held the back door open for her.

"Bugaboo, get up!" Chat Noir tugged on her as she surfed her yo-yo's screen.

"Leave me alone. I'm trying to decide where I'm gonna vacation now that I don't have to hero every day."

"If you don't move, he's gonna get away..." Chat Noir's voice trailed off as the cop car rose into the air and flew into the horizon.

"What the fuck?!"

"Look at him go," Ladybug admired the vehicle as it reached 1,500 feet, "He's an unstoppable licensed officer of the law with magical powers."

"With a computer dictating what's right or wrong," Chat Noir argued, "Without human morality, he can't let small crimes go."

"A couple punches earlier, you claimed he would automatically discriminate simply because he was a human cop. Now, you're saying he can't discriminate and will punish everyone because he's a cold heartless machine. Which is it?"

Chat Noir gripped his head, trying to find some way to convince her, "You— He— Because— I don't know!"

"Here, I'll tell you what we do know. He's gonna sentence the mayor to some kind of stupid punishment that will poetically reflect his crime. He abused his power, so maybe he has to change every lightbulb in Paris or something. Who cares? The point is, the only thing he wants to do is to stop crime and the only thing I want to do is to stop stopping crime." She grabbed his shoulders looked straight into his green eyes, "Please, can we just let him do his thing and see where this goes?"

"Hmm..." Chat Noir watched the flying car disappear behind the buildings, no doubt still after the terrified but guilty mayor. He sighed, "Alright, LB, we'll see where this goes… For a kiss."

He leaned in with smoochy lips.

She punched his gut.

* * *

 _Later that night:_

The star filled sky was both relaxing and beautiful. A shooting star arced across the heavenly dome and a child wished upon it for a puppy. That child had no way of knowing the shooting star was actually Chloe's bracelet reentering Earth's atmosphere. In lieu of a puppy, the child had their Thursday night cartoons interrupted by the mayor.

"Paris has a new superpower. His name is Rogercop," Mayor Bourgeois spoke solemnly to the camera. His image was broadcast on all channels. Behind, resting on the head of his ornate golden chair, were a pair of blue metallic hands, "I hereby relinquish all authority to Rogercop. All citizens are ordered to answer to him."

Ladybug and Chat Noir stood among the entirety of the Parisian police force, watching the City Hall jumbotrons.

"Oh, I get it, the mayor took his job so poetic justice would be him taking the mayor's job..." Ladybug cleared her throat. "Maybe we let this go too far," she admitted.

"We?!"

Rogercop pushed Bourgeois out of the way and spoke to his people, "Ladybug and Chat Noir are now outlaws. They must be hunted down and taken into custody immediately. Boop Bop Beep."

All the officers turned to the uncomfortably surrounded heroes.

"Relax, they're not akumatized. These are normal cops. How tough can they be?" asked Ladybug.

 _Hours later:_

"They kicked our asses!" whimpered Ladybug.

A beaten and bruised Chat Noir and Ladybug huddled behind a chimney. Down below, fully armored policemen marched the streets. A tank was parked on every corner. Loud choppers patrolled the sky, their bright beams searching for the scared and scarred crusaders. Heli-Chopper hid amongst their numbers.

"If they got that kinda firepower, why again are we needed to protect Paris?" Chat Noir asked while literally licking his wounds.

"I ask myself that every day. Although with more cynicism."

"So, what's the plan? We bust our way through, lock ourselves inside with the big honcho and take him on? I'll make some awesome jokes and you throw your lucky charm at him—"

"No…!" her wrench wound pulsed. With that pulse came a strange idea. It was a crazy idea. A stupid idea. But for some reason, she knew it would work. She looked across the street to City Hall, "I need to get in there. Can you bait them?"

"Don't worry, my lady, I'm the Master Baiter."

"Really? Puns? Now?"

"What pun?"

She stared at him.

He stared her.

"Sometimes, my lady, I seriously worry about you." He patted her head and leapt to the streets.

 _Inside the mayor's office:_

Rogercop surveyed his army chasing Chat Noir. His back was to his laser handcuffed prisoners: the former Mayor Bourgeois and Chloe. He was unknowingly vulnerable to a perfect sneak attack.

Instead, Ladybug calmly walked in unarmed, not even trying to hide her presence. Rogercop turned to the new guest. "Ladybug, come to turn yourself in? Efficiency noted. Commencing sentencing." He aimed his laser wrists at her.

She kept her steady pace across the room and spoke evenly, "Rogercop, I am placing you under citizen's arrest." She pointed a finger at the villain, its message was as clear and powerful as a bolt of lightning! "J'ACCUSE!"

Rogercop's processors tried to register her remark, "Error! Error! Charges have been pressed. No crime has occurred."

"OBJECTION!" She pounded the mayor's desk, her miraculous Amazonian strength left a fist shaped indent in the wood, "You've taken the law into your own hands after being relieved of your authority. Clearly you're guilty of committing vigilantism!"

The robot stumbled back, her words had struck him like missiles of justice.

"In-in-inconsequential," his voice glitched.

"HOLD IT!" she jumped onto the desk, Now at his height, she glared into his eyes, "you said you were, and I quote, 'programmed to uphold the law.' How can you uphold the law when you can't hold yourself accountable!"

"I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I," his vocal communications were caught in an endless loop.

Ladybug pointed one last time, through her tenacity flowed the one thing Rogercop could never escape: The Truth! "If you were a dick, you must convict! TAKE THAT!"

His circuits fried trying compute a legal workaround. Some way out. Smoke billowed out every hole of his metal body. Numbers and data flew across his screen. Finally, everything stopped.

"I pardon myself."

"Heh?" Ladybug faltered.

"I am the law," his eyes glowed red and he aimed his laser wrist at her, "and I pardon myself."

Chloe's bracelet ripped through the ceiling and lodged itself halfway into Rogercop's skull. His face went slack for a second.

"I am the law and I convict myself."

He re-aimed his wrist at his head and fired. He fell over like a ton of bricks.

"... okay." Ladybug crushed his police whistle and purified the Akuma inside. "Miraculous Ladybug!" A swarm of magical ladybugs appeared and flew across the city.

Chloe and her father were uncuffed.

Miss Mendeleiev and Principal Damocles were freed.

A cupcake was left for the crying Fred Haprele.

* * *

 _Later_ :

"I believe this belongs to you, little missy," Roger handed the bracelet to Chloe while rubbing the thick and slightly bloody bandage on his head.

She hugged the jewelry, "Oh I missed you! You, me, and Sabrina are gonna have fun tonight," she whispered.

"But where was it, Roger?" the mayor asked.

"Well, since the item in question was last seen at the school and ended up falling through your roof with enough speed to crack human bone, I say the answer is pretty obvious," He paused for dramatic effect, "Aliens."

"What?" shouted Ladybug.

"Aliens! Of course!" concurred Bourgeois.

"...what."

"Astounding detective work. I must say, I made a mistake firing you. Indeed, you are worthy of being an officer of Paris... if you'll come back, that is," he offered him his badge, gun and pants.

Roger teared up a little before taking them, "Thank you, mister mayor."

"And maybe we can forget about the whole abuse of power thing," Bourgeois winked.

"Of course. And with the return of the Chloe's bracelet, all the students are cleared of suspicion."

Ladybug wiped her brow in relief, "Phew..."

Chloe piped in, "Except Marinette's dad, right? I mean, he did pull a gun on all of us."

"HE DID WHAT?!"

* * *

"Guilty!" the judge smashed his gavel down.

Marinette could only watch as her father was dragged away. Her mother tried to comfort her but she could hear the doubt in her voice, "Don't worry, sweetie, your father will be fine."

Officer Roger approached her with a little shame on his face, "It's never easy to put away a child's parent. I hope you understand, Marinette, that we're only upholding the law so we can keep everyone safe."

"While I'm up here, I also hereby rule in favor of the police's right to carry firearms while off duty," the judge banged his gavel again.

"Yes, just like America! Come on, Sabrina, we're going to Disney World!" Roger cheered as he strapped on his gun.

END

 _I've done it… I've gone off the beaten path… Where am I going with this fic? I don't know! HELP! SOMEBODY STOP THIS CRAZY THING!_


	13. 9 Chat V Cat

_A/N: It's official! I am a writer and voice actor on Project ML! So happy to have been accepted as a member of an awesome group dedicated to making Miraculous Ladybug content! Google the name and you'll find their site. This means I may be a bit slower in updating "Miraculous Headache," but it also means I'll be writing a whole buncha more Miraculous Ladybug stories! And you may get to hear my kick-ass voice more! That's something to look forward to,_ **ladies** _. *eyebrow waggle waggle*_

* * *

 _Prologue_

 _A boy has become no one with the French._

 _A boy does not need a roof to sleep under or money to buy food. A boy sleeps under bridges and eats from the trash. A boy does not need a phone to tell time and hear Miraculous Ladybug news. A boy counts the moons and reads newspapers. Yes, a boy has finally learned the common tongue to negotiate trade with other homeless for cheap wine and smelly cheese. Sometimes, if a boy is lucky, a boy gets a half-eaten croissant._

 _A boy has become no one with the French._

 _Still, a boy has dreams of home, of Lappy. So a boy wanders from the bridge. A boy tries a new street, new alleys, new trash cans. The moldy bread carries hints of butter and jams. This trash comes from a good place. A boy must remember where to find this trash again._

 _The sign on the building is familiar, but a boy has never been on this street. How could a boy remember? A boy goes inside._

 _"'Allo!" a baker greets. A tall man. A happy man. "Welcome to zee Tom and Sabine Boulangerie Patisserie!"_

 _A boy remembers. On TV, a boy saw this place, but it was animated not real._

 _"I am Tom and zis is my wife Sabine."_

 _A Chinese woman rises from the bread display and smiles in greeting. A boy is confused. Reality and cartoons are not the same thing and yet..._

 _"Hi Mom, hi Dad!" waved a little girl with pigtails. She ran behind the counter and hugged them._

 _"My little Marinette, was school fun?"_

 _"No!"_

 _The parents laugh._

 _"A boy is in the show..." a boy mutters._

 _A baker tilts his head, "Quelle? Oh! Oui, zere was zis man who uzed our bakery az inspiration for a part in a cartoon, zat iz true. I believe he named some characterz after me and my wife."_

 _"And your daughter," added another voice. A smoky voice. A policewoman enters. A boy remembers her breath._

 _"Ah! Amelie, here for your usual, no?" a baker bags some bread._

 _A policewoman inspects a boy. There is recognition in her look, "You are zhat stupid American we let out zhree dayz ago?"_

 _A boy grits his teeth at the—"THREE DAYS?! I'VE ONLY BEEN OUT HERE FOR THREE FUCKING DAYS?! ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I WENT FULL ARYA STARK FOR GOD'S SAKE!" I looked down at my clothes, stained with various fluids, "LOOK AT THIS! THIS AIN'T MY BLOOD! THIS SHIRT USED TO BE WHITE! I THINK I CRIPPLED A MAN FOR THESE SHOES! THEY DON'T EVEN HAVE LACES! HOLY SHIT!"_

 _The policewoman I now knew as Amelie munched on her pastry, not at all bothered by my outburst, "You are lost, no?"_

 _I collapsed, the absurdity of,_ apparently, _the last 72 hours overwhelming me, "Yeah..."_

 _She took another bite and headed out, "Come, Stupid American. I will take you home."_

 _...TO BE CONTINUED..._

* * *

Chapter 9  
 **Chat Noir vs. Cat Noir**  
By: I Write Big

Life can suck.

It can suck in the worst way possible. Just when things are going right, life has a way of throwing curve balls into the mix. Like being cursed with protecting the world from stupid bad guys or your father being arrested for pointing a loaded gun at your classmates or just not having the nerve to ask out that cute boy.

Marinette was focused on that last one.

"What about a movie?" suggested Marinette.

"I don't care," smiled Tikki.

"No, that would require sitting within accidental-hand-touching-distance of him. Ooh! A museum?"

"I don't care."

"Wait, Adrien's surrounded by artists all the time when he isn't at school. He wouldn't enjoy that. Maybe we could—"

"I DON'T CARE!" the kwami flew in the girl's face, her eyes: calm, her smile: pleasant, her voice: unnerving, "Know why? Every day is the same. You drool, you whine, but, ultimately, you're too scared to even look at him and you do _nothing_." The creature fluttered away with a giggle.

The pain those words struck in Marinette's heart was terrible but true. Her tearful gaze drifted up to the cloud filled sky. And there a great cumulus cloud seemed to magically take the shape of her crush's face.

"Marinette..." James Earl Jones' slow, deep, wise voice boomed across the land, "You must remember who you are... Remember… Remember..."

"...Remember?" she asked the magical illusion.

"Yes... remember, you don't have to look at someone when you talk to them over the phone... Alya totally has his digits... Ask her for them..."

"Holy merde, you're right!" Marinette dialed her friend.

"Hey!" a pedestrian called up to the cloud head, "Can you help me find my car keys?"

"Remember..."

The man blinked as he remembered where he put them, "Thanks!"

* * *

Meanwhile, on the corner next to Marinette's house, a small crowd was gathered before something hidden underneath a great curtain. In front of the object was a man nervously chewing on a lollipop.

Mayor Bourgeois patted his shoulder, "Don't be scared, Theo, you did a beautiful job on the statue. It'll be the perfect centerpiece for my re-election rally."

"It's not about that, Mister Mayor," Theo pulled out a press photo of Ladybug. "I'm just hoping _she_ comes." He smiled down at the heroine's picture.

"Ohoho, another Ladybug admirer," the Mayor chuckled. "Hoping to get _under those polkadots_ , young man?" he playfully elbowed the sculptor.

"Actually, I wanted to get her opinion on what life as a hero is really like." He folded the picture and put it back in his jacket, "Saving others on a daily basis must be stressful, especially when you have to wear a mask."

The Mayor stood there awkwardly, "So… you're _not_ planning to hit on Ladybug, ask her out or any of that?"

"I think what Ladybug needs is a friend she can talk to," he said, sincerity sparkling in his eyes.

"...Okay..." the Mayor stepped away, thoroughly creeped out.

* * *

 _Back in Marinette's:_

Marinette was starting to sweat under the high powered studio lights Alya had her sitting under. The blogger gave direction as she took some ISO readings and adjusted the color balance. This shot had to be perfect. "Okay, now, you may recall how I always said you suck at improv. Ignore that. Speak from the heart."

"My heart?! But when I do that—"

"When you do that, I get a hundred times more views." She powdered Marinette's cheeks a little and then attached a high powered lense to her phone's camera.

"Are you sure? I kinda wrote a little script—"

Alya took the script and, without blinking, tore it in half.

"I don't think I wanna do this anymore," Marinette whimpered.

Alya hit the call button on Marinette's phone and the record button on her phone, "Too late."

Marinette stared at the device in her hands. She could hear the soft ringing. It was the only noise in her world now. She prayed it would go to voicemail.

"Salutations!"

"AAAAHHHHHHH—Wait..." her brain registered the familiar voice as _not_ Adrien's. "Is this… DB-M-9K?"

"Ah, Miss Dupain-Cheng," the AI greeted, "my processors thought they recognized your area code. How are you, my dear?"

"Um, fine, why do you have Adrien's phone?"

"Oh, I don't have Master Adrien's phone…I _am_ Master Adrien's phone."

"What?!"

 _In Adrien's bag:_

DB-M-9K's gleeful red eye was projected on Adrien's phone screen. "Yes, what with all the upgrades I've given myself, I concluded it'd be much simpler to track down that dastardly Universe from a transportable mobile." The machine laughed smugly.

Plagg, who was almost finished eating triple his weight in camembert, groggily looked at the device, burped, then fell into a food coma.

 _Back at Marinette's:_

"I feel I must apologize for failing in the delivery of the scarf you made for Master Adrien, it goes against my programming to allow such inefficient—"

"That's okay, is uh, A-A-Adrien there?"

"Unfortunately not. I'll be happy to take a message and assure its delivery," the computer chirped.

"Message?" Marinette squeaked.

"Improv!" demanded Alya while racking the focus.

"Uh, h-h-hello, Adrien… not Adrien's doorbell who is now his phone..."

"Hello!" DB-M-9K responded. She could hear the impossible scratching of pencil on paper on the other end of call.

"This is Marinette leaving a massage—I mean message! For you, of course, because it's your phone! Massage? How would I even leave a massage? Could you imagine? Rubbing your tense shoulders, spreading the scented oil down your rippling back. Your buttcrack just barely visible... so..." she giggled uncontrollably, then shouted, "CALL ME, SEE YOU LATER, BYE!" She threw her phone across the room, where it landed on her bed.

Alya followed it with her camera and gave the girl a disappointed look.

"What? The hell do you expect me to say? 'Hey, sexy. This is your girl Marinette. I totally want your dick to fill that void that was left by dad's sudden arrest, but I'm so hot for you, I daydream about kidnapping your toned ass from your home and locking you in my closet so I know you'll never leave me?!' Because I do! That's honestly what I want to do to him! And if you tell anybody, I will skin you alive!"

Alya didn't say anything. She instead slowly panned her camera down to Marinette's phone, which she hadn't hung up.

"'...honestly what I want to do to Master Adrien. Skin you alive.' Got it, Miss. I will deliver this message once the Master returns. Good day."

The line went dead.

Marinette took a deep, calming breath.

"It's not that bad," Alya consoled. She turned around and started taking down the video equipment.

Marinette got a length of fabric, tied one end to a rafter, and tied the other end in a loop.

Alya continued putting her stuff away, unaware of what Marinette was doing. "All you did was call him sexy, said his ass was toned and that you wanted his… okay, it's pretty bad."

Marinette stood on a chair and slipped her neck through the noose.

"But it's not the end of the world."

Marinette jumped. The rafter snapped under her light weight and she fell to the floor.

Alya turned to find the half-chinese girl lying in a heap, covered in roofing, still alive. "Hey! Idea! Since it went to voicemail, that means the dude's busy. He hasn't listened to it yet. You can get to his phone before he does and erase the message. But the question is, where is he now?"

Marinette spat out some splinters, "Fencing!"

"Huh?"

Marinette sprang to her feet and pulled down a giant calendar covered in notes and stickers. "After school today, Adrien has fencing practice!" she pointed at the sword sticker, "Which ends in exactly twenty-two and a half minutes! Perfect!"

Alya stared, "Uh, girl, why do you have Adrien's private monthly schedule hanging in your room?"

"What are you talking about? How else am I gonna watch him from a distance if I don't know where he is every moment of his godlike existence?"

"Right..." Alya narrowed her eyes at the disturbing chart, "What do the _bathtub_ stickers stand for? And why are there _binocular_ stickers next to each of them?"

"He likes to birdwatch at the same birdbath every other Thursday, duh," she answered like it was obvious. "What else could it mean?" Before Alya could point out what was more obvious, Marinette rolled up the planner and ran out, "Come on!"

The two girls sped down the stairs. A sorrowful Mrs. Dupain-Cheng appeared in a doorway, "Marinette… I think we should talk about your… father..."

"Later, Mom! My honor is at stake!" her daughter shouted on the way down.

The woman sighed. A gloved hand comforted her shoulder, "Give her time, Candlestick-Maker. We will do what we can to help."

She smiled up at the big-chinned man, "Thank you, Bomb-Voyage."

 _Outside:_

"Wait, you and your mom haven't talked about—"

"What's there to talk about?!" Marinette kicked open the bakery door. Her hair started to fray, her eye twitched rapidly, "So what if my dad's behind bars? It's only for the next five to ten years! That's not too long! Who needs to talk about that? Not me! Nope! Denial? What's that?"

As Alya realized the potential of a Repression Blog, they both heard the hoots and hollers of Chat Noir leaping across the rooftops. The hero landed on the statue base in the park nearby. "S'up, bitches!" he greeted.

Nobody cheered.

"Boo! Where's Ladybug?" called one.

Alya gasped, "They're unveiling the Ladybug and Chat Noir sculpture today. I totally spaced."

Marinette growled, "Alya, no!"

Alya gritted her teeth, her body spun back and forth between her friend and her addiction. "But… have to… cover for… Ladyblog!"

"Don't you dare abandon me like Adrien's dad abandons him!"

"I'm with you in spirit!" Alya booked it to the park.

"SKANK!"

 _At the park_ :

"Ladybug! Ladybug! Ladybug!" the crowd was quickly turning into an angry mob and no amount of flexing by Chat Noir could quell them.

Mayor Bourgeois peeked from behind the statue, "Uh, maybe we should start the ceremony before this gets out of hand," his four flabby chins trembled in fear.

"Don't sweat it, Mayor, I got this," Chat did his most seductive pose. A beer bottle smashed near his head, "Okay! Maybe you're right!"

"Wait!" Theo pleaded, "Ladybug has to be here!" He pulled out the photo and stared at it, "I wanted to meet her where she could be a person, not a hero..."

"Oh, you're also into LB? I can talk all day about LB," fanboyed Chat Noir, "For starters, her hair is amazing! Like the softest silk."

"You've touched her hair?" Mayor Bourgeois gushed, "Is it really blue? Did you get a taste?"

"Taste?" Chat Noir thought, "I'd say… raspberries with a hint of mint. But I've only gotten my teeth on a couple strands."

The Mayor clasped the hero's hands, stars in his eyes, "Please, tell me more!"

Chat Noir smirked with pride, "Well, I guess I could share my wisdom."

"Um..." Theo interrupted, "What about her hobbies? The important topics she cares about? You know, what she does when she isn't saving the world?"

Chat Noir and Mayor Bourgeois stared at him awkwardly.

"Is it just me or is this guy creepy?" Chat Noir whispered.

"I know, right?" agreed the Mayor.

 _At the school_ :

Sneaking past the distracted fencing students had been simple. Waltzing into the boy's locker room was a piece of cake. Even identifying Adrien's locker and breaking in was trivial.

"Why was this easy? This can't be this easy," Marinette wondered as she held the boy's stolen phone in her hands. She spun around looking for the passing random teacher who would catch her at the last second, the intricate wiring system that would somehow broadcast her message across the PA system, the trap door waiting to drop her into a spike pit.

There was absolutely nothing.

With utmost fear and apprehension, Marinette's shaking finger reached for the screen… only for a red eye to appear on it.

"Miss Dupain-Cheng! What a surprise!" DB-M-9K happily proclaimed.

Marinette jumped, nearly dropping the phone, "Shh! Keep it down! No one can know I'm here!"

"My deepest apologies, Miss." The volume bar appeared on screen and emptied itself, "May I ask why you are here?" it inquired much more quietly.

"The message I left! I need you to delete the message!" she smiled, happy that she had at least one friend with her.

"I'm sorry, Miss," the red eye droned, "I'm afraid I can't do that."

"What? What's the problem?" she palmed her forehead as she figured it out, "Oh no! The phone password! Neither of us can access his messages without Adrien's password!"

"I can access the messages easily, Miss," DB-M-9K's voice took an empty tone. The mechanized joy seemed to had disappeared, "I simply cannot allow the deletion. The delivery must be complete. Universe cannot win."

The screen turned black.

On the blackness appeared a simple sentence, 'Facial Scan Required.'

Marinette's eye twitched.

* * *

 _In the Park:_

The bronze statue of Ladybug and Chat Noir was revealed to polite applause, but as soon as it was clear the real Ladybug wasn't coming, the grumpy crowd dispersed and demanded their money back. Chat Noir and the Mayor were finishing up exchanging candid pics of the heroine as Theo stared at his creation in disappointment.

"Theo, right?" Chat leaned on his shoulder, "Nice statue. Little criticism, though. Bugaboo's booty is a bit bigger."

The sculptor sighed, "No wonder Ladybug didn't show up. Being worshipped like this by everybody in Paris... She's probably sick of all the attention and responsibility." Theo glared at Chat Noir, "And it doesn't help that she has to work with someone as immature as you."

Chat Noir narrowed his eyes, "Hey, don't mean to burst your bubble, but Ladybug and I, we're a thing, you know."

"Bullshit," Theo said.

"Yeah, she loves it when I make puns, especially about her hot bod," He twisted his fingers around each other, "We're like this."

He gave Theo a toothy smirk. Theo shoved Chat Noir off his shoulder and stomped away.

"Don't feel bad, dude," Chat Noir called after him, "Maybe you'd have a better shot if you were less of a creep. Caring enough about a girl to help her with her problems and _not_ wanna bang her? That's just weird."

 _Back at the locker room_ :

"WHY CAN'T ANYBODY HELP ME WITH MY PROBLEMS?!" Marinette screeched as she repeatedly bashed Adrien's locked phone against the wall. Its twenty thousand Euro gold and gem casing easily cracked the tiling.

Tikki uncaringly saw the fencing students approaching, "Boys," she warned.

Marinette scuttled out just as the class wandered in.

* * *

 _At Theo's Art Studio:_

Theo hunched over his desk, gripping his fists tightly, "'Less of a creep?'" He looked up at the various hand-sketched designs he used for the statue. He spoke to the ones depicting Chat Noir, "You don't even _respect_ her as a person! All you care about is how _hot_ she looks! What is she to you, a _trophy_?" He swiped his arm across his desk, knocking over the granite bust of the cat-themed hero.

He crumpled the press photo of Ladybug in his hand. Never before had he felt so… _angry_ …

A black butterfly floated in and exploded on the photo. A pair of neon-pink fashionable butterfly-themed glasses appeared on his face and he saw the figure of a silver masked man posing for a painting. The painter seemed to be a mass of glowing white butterflies.

"You're no creep, Copycat," the man smiled, "You're what's known as a White Knight. A protector of waifus. A noble role for only the most dedicated of virgins. And once you get rid of the real creep, you can take his place at her side."

"And protect Ladybug from all the jerks?" Theo asked with hope.

"Sure," Hawkmoth assured.

"The very thought of it makes me _purr_ ," Theo grinned as he was swallowed up by bubbling darkness.

In his place appeared the legendary _CAT_ Noir.

 _At Marinette's bedroom:_

Tikki watched her wielder hold headshot after headshot up to the jewel encrusted phone. Each time, the screen would flash red with an 'Access Denied' message. "Come on! Why aren't any of these working?! It's Adrien's face, dammit!"

Finally, the phone responded… by ringing.

"Fuck! Adrien's calling! He knows his phone is missing!" Marinette dropped the device like it was on fire and scrambled away, "The plan's falling apart! AH!"

"Right, you had a plan like I have opposable thumbs," Tikki wiggled her disturbing arm nubs.

Marinette pointed at the phone, "What do you want?!"

DB-M-9K's eye reappeared, "Universe, Miss. This marks the second time this Universe has conspired to intercept your delivery. I shall not concede until this interloper has shown his or her face." The screen went black with the 'Facial Scan Required' message again.

Marinette gently slipped off her bed, stepped to the side and proceeded to repeatedly bang her head against the drywall.

 _At the Luv:_

Cat Noir strutted through the fine art gallery, rolling a lollipop between his grinning teeth. "Don't mind me, everyone, just your favorite superhero _Chat Noir_." He snickered at his own clever ruse.

"Mommy, why is that boy dressed like a cat? He's creepy," asked a little American girl.

"I think he's one of those crazy French performance artists," her mother suggested while looking through their Paris guidebook.

Cat Noir finally arrived at his destination and stepped over the red velvet rope. He traced a claw across the priceless original Mona Lisa and turned to the nearby guard, "You don't mind if I, _Chat Noir,_ take this, do you?"

The guard thought for a second, "Will you bring it back?"

"I won't," Cat Noir flashed his fangs with obvious evil intent.

"...Eh, knock yourself out," he shrugged.

Cat Noir ripped the frame off the wall. Alarms blared as he dashed out with his prize. The guard casually scribbled over the 'Mona Lisa' sign with a black marker. A tourist group walked up to the now barren wall. "And here we have an avant garde piece, which has no name known in any spoken language," announced their guide.

"Ooh," the tourists marveled and took pictures of the empty space that was now turned into art.

 _In Adrien's car:_

Adrien stared at his car TV, not sure how to react.

"Within an hour of its reveal it has been named the greatest work of postmodern art in recent history," proclaimed the news anchor. Over her shoulder was a picture of him as Chat Noir next to a photo of what looked like wood paneling. "Created by local sidekick, Chat Noir, the artist cleverly hid the piece behind Da Vinci's 'Mona Lisa.'"

"...Did she say sidekick?"

Ape-man nodded as he pulled the car up to the school. Adrien ran into the building. He had originally came here to search for his phone. But more pressing matters had presented themselves. Like clarifying he wasn't a sidekick, for instance. Seconds later, Chat Noir flipped across the rooftops and disappeared down the streets.

Ape-man smiled then changed the channel. "Okay, kids, it's time for 'Curious George!'"

"Yay!" Ape-man clapped.

 _Marinette's (Christ we're jumping a lot):_

"I'm sorry, Ma'am, we can't remotely unlock a phone that doesn't belong to you."

"But it's an emergency!" she whined to the tech support line, "I left a message confessing my feelings to my crush by accident!"

"Well, maybe this is how he finds out. There are worse ways to confess."

"I said that I want his dick!"

"Oh… Nevermind, you're screwed," the line went dead.

Before Marinette could redial, Alya called. "Chat Noir robbed the Luv!"

"What?"

"Everyone's acting like it was some kind of performance, but there are police everywhere! I think it's a sting operation! Get your ass down here now!" Again, the line went dead.

"That was weird," Marinette shrugged.

Tikki floated solemnly towards her. She had heard what Alya said. "I knew this day would come." She shook her bulbous head in resignation. "Happens every time. Eventually, the wielder of the Chat Noir Miraculous loses his mind. For his own good, we must castrate him."

"...I can do that?" asked Marinette.

 _At the Luv:_

Chat Noir was being led by Officer Roger and an entourage of armored policemen through a crowd of flashing cameras.

"Chat Noir, what inspired you to make this wonderful art?" shouted one reporter.

"Was it being unappreciated as a hokey sidekick?" cried another.

"Is your long belt compensating for something?" inquired Alya.

"Not a sidekick," Chat's correction went ignored by the masses.

Officer Roger pushed them all out of the away, allowing Chat Noir to get into the exhibit hall, "Now, now, keep clear, people."

Chat Noir ignored the questions and focused on the crime scene. In front of where the Mona Lisa used to be sat a chewed _lollipop stick_. "What do we have here?" he smirked while picking up the evidence.

As he put the pieces together, he noticed how quiet it had become. The entire hall was now empty save for Officer Roger who stood by the only archway out. The cop raised a remote and pressed a button. A cage wall dropped, sealing Chat Noir in.

"Hey! What the hell?!"

"Chat Noir, you're under arrest for stealing the Mona Lisa."

"But-but-I thought—"

"You thought what? That we were leading you here so you could be photographed with your _revolutionary_ creation? How stupid do you think the art world is?" he laughed.

Chat Noir glanced at an art piece next to him. It was nothing more than an average lawn chair. "...Is that a trick question?" he asked.

"You better cough up that painting, buster," Roger waved the remote in his face, "Or else you're going to jail with Mr. Dupain."

There was a distant crash of metal that shook the entire building. Both men froze, wondering if an earthquake had struck Paris. A single pair of slowly approaching footsteps echoed across the marble flooring. Around the corner appeared Ladybug.

She seemed happy.

"I'm here to spade and/or neuter a very bad cat," she informed and began twirling her yo-yo at top speed

Chat Noir's hands instinctively covered his crotch.

The two stared for a couple seconds at her disquieting calm.

"CATACLYSM! CATACLYSM! CATACLYSM!" screeched Chat Noir while raking his claws across the bars over and over. He broke through the crumbling metal, threw the lawn chair at the girl and barreled out of the museum.

He hopped over the riot shielded officers waiting for him, and ducked behind a chimney. He held his battle stick close until it started to vibrate. He answered, "Bugaboo, I didn't do it!"

"Right, you didn't do it. Just like you didn't cop a feel last week."

"It's an Akuma!" he shouted. "There's an Akuma out there pretending to be me." She didn't immediately answer, which he took as a good sign. Now all he had to do was tell her where Theo's art studio was and—

"Guess I'll have to make both of you eunuchs, just to be sure. You know, since it's impossible to tell you apart."

Chat Noir hung up, "Nope. Looks like I have to do this one alone. Don't worry, you'll be safe, little Chat," he patted his crotch. "How hard could this be?"

 _Twelve Minutes Later:_

"Fuck."

Chat Noir was in chains. Medieval chains. Medieval chains he couldn't break because he had been tricked into using his Cataclysm on a wooden board. Not only that but the villain had stolen his battle stick. Now his evil clone needed only to wait for his ring to power down.

"Why does this feel like the beginning of a really bad crackfic where I get seduced by another me?" Chat Noir muttered.

"Jeez, I know you weren't the bright one, but come on," Cat Noir held up the bait that had lured him into the trap: a simple wooden box labeled 'Ladybug Nudes.'

"Laugh all you want, you copycat. I'll get out of here, kick your ass and get that porn," Chat Noir pulled on his restraints.

Cat Noir rolled his eyes. He opened the box, turned it upside down and shook it. Empty.

Chat Noir gasped, "You monster!" His battle stick rumbled. Cat Noir moved to answer it. "Wait, no!" shouted Chat Noir.

"Ladybug, hurry up," Cat Noir said in a perfect impression of Chat Noir, "I've caught the imposter and got him locked up at Theo's workshop."

"I know. I'm already here."

The door creaked open and there stood the red menace.

"There you are," the phony gushed. "As you can see, I, the real Chat Noir, have captured the fake."

"Y-y-y'up!" Chat Noir quickly agreed, "He's the real Chat Noir!"

"Hah!" Cat Noir chuckled, "Just what a trickster would say— Wait... what?"

"I'm the innocent victim here, being controlled by Hawkmoth," Chat Noir continued before falling to his knees, making sure to be as pathetic as possible, "Oh woe is me! I let my anger consume my soul and now I must do the bidding of evil! Take his balls, not mine!"

"Take my—?" Cat Noir whipped his head around and saw the spinning, heavy yo-yo and the gleeful eagerness in Ladybug's eyes. "Uh… No! He's the real Chat Noir!"

"How can we be sure you're not the real Chat Noir?" the chained Chat Noir demanded.

"Because everyone knows Chat Noir isn't smart enough to ask the question you just asked," he thought about that for a second, "... Wait."

"Well, the real Chat Noir isn't smart enough to realize that the real Chat Noir isn't smart enough to ask that question," he thought about that for a second, "…Wait."

"Please, bugaboo, you have to believe me! I'm the imposter!"

"No, I'm the imposter!"

Both waited for the heroine to respond. She raised a finger and pointed at one cat boy, "Eenie," She pointed at the other, "Meenie."

The boys' faces fell. "No..."

Back to the first, "Miney."

"Are you fucking serious?"

The second, "Mo."

"Dear Astruc, what did you do to piss off your girlfriend so badly?!"

"Catch a _bad kitty_ by his toe."

Chat Noir tore at his hair, "She's not my girlfriend! I said that to piss you off! She hates my guts!"

"Are you serious?! I only became you to get near her!"

"If he hollers, let him go."

"So what, you were planning on being me for the rest of your life? How the hell would that work?"

"Clearly, I didn't think it through!"

"Eenie, Meenie, Miney, Mo—"

Chat Noir jumped as far forward as his chains would allow, "Alright! It's me! I'm the real Chat Noir!" He sulked as Ladybug lowered her finger. "I know I deserve this… I stare at your ass whenever you weren't looking because it's so fine. I annoyed you with puns because you're cute when you're angry. And even though we've never even held hands I brag about how we're totally doing it because… okay, there's no real justification for that one but I never used names." He spread his legs wide and stood proud, "If this is my punishment for being a chivalrous pervert, then I'll take it."

Cat Noir took a step back, genuinely impressed, "Wow, that was… really mature of you—" Cat Noir's comment was cut short due to a sudden polka-dotted yo-yo to the groin.

Chat Noir shuddered as he watched the other him twitch and crumble to the floor.

"Good job, Chat Noir," Ladybug congratulated the chained boy.

"I… huh?" he looked up, surprised to see his lady no longer wore a bloodthirsty grin.

"As soon as you said there was an Akuma pretending to be you, I knew we would end up in this 'Shoot the Right One' scenario." She fished out a key from the defeated villain and unlocked the chains. "A movie cliche I figured out a long time ago. You just gotta make the real one not want to be the real one. Neat, huh?"

"...It...seems a little… anticlimactic?" he rubbed his head in confusion.

"Not for him," she nodded at the poor man who would most likely never be a father.

After Ladybug purified the Akuma and used Miraculous Ladybug, Chat Noir had to run before he de-transformed. This left Ladybug alone with the recovering Theo.

"Hi there," she waved as his eyes fluttered open. "You're probably thinking, 'Where am I? How did I get here? Why do my balls feel like they got shoved halfway up my stomach with a crowbar?' But that's not important."

Theo wanted to say an iron baseball bat covered in barbed wire felt more accurate but all that came out was a high pitched croak.

"I wanted to say, I'm sorry I missed the unveiling of your statue," she picked up his press photo of her and lazily signed it, "Being a hero can be hectic and time consuming. You basically have zero time for yourself… even when all you want to do is talk to a someone who won't hit on you, ignore you, or make things worse. Just a friend who will listen and… maybe even help."

Theo blinked. Joy filled his pain-stricken body. He could be that friend! He _wanted_ to be that friend! He opened his mouth to say so and out came the pained squeal of a dying hyena high on helium.

Ladybug winced, "Yeah, you should probably see a doctor." She tucked the autographed photo into his chest pocket, "Sorry, I didn't mean to bore you with my problems. See you around, whatever your name is. Well, that's not true. We'll most likely never see each other again. Have a nice life without me… or children of your own."

She swung away.

* * *

 _Later, at Marinette's:_

"It won't unlock unless it sees the face of the Universe?" Alya asked looking down at the solid gold phone that was worth more than both of their homes combined.

Marinette nodded.

The blogger smiled confidently, "Girl, what would you do without me?" She picked up the device and said, "Hey, you wanna see the Universe? Google blogs."

Marinette stared, "Alya, not everything revolves around—"

WHOOOOSH! A solid beam of white light erupted from the phone screen. Alya dropped it in shock. Fantastical waves of energy reverberated around the room, cracking the foundation. DB-M-9K's single red eye materialized in the beam, looking upwards. Thousands upon millions upon billions of blog homescreens whizzed around it. "My Astruc..." its awestruck whisper was somehow audible over the chorus of unseen angels singing in their ears, "It's full of stars." At its words, its single eye divided into two and the pair ascended through the ceiling into the heavens.

Almost immediately, the light ended and whatever the hell just happened stopped.

"If you would like to erase your message, press two," instructed a pre-recorded female voice from Adrien's phone.

"Told ya," Alya bragged.

* * *

 _The next day, at School:_

Marinette sat at her usual desk, directly behind Adrien's. Smelling his Camembert scented hair usually brought a sense of peace and she often fantasized about whether it tasted the same. Today, though, she was nervous. She had resolved to return the phone, saying she happened to find it, and use it as a conversation starter to invite him to the movies.

Simple.

Easy.

"Come on, Marinette, you can do this," she said again and again until she heard the boy's voice approach.

"I'm telling you, Nino, whoever has my phone stole it from my bag in the locker room. Anyone who tries to return it is obviously the thief and I will never respect and/or love them again," Adrien explained as he took his seat.

"Didn't your daddy-o already buy you a new one, dude?" Nino asked.

"Sure he did," Adrien pulled out a phone made entirely of pure blue, sparkling diamonds, "But it's the principle of the thing."

Marinette's wrench wound pulsed and she quickly threw the gold phone into his open bag, accidentally knocking it over.

"What the..." Adrien leaned over and spotted the missing phone. He picked it up, "But I checked my bag like a hundred times."

Nino chuckled at his friend's confusion, "Well, looks like you got two phones now."

Adrien inspected the two devices before sliding the diamond one to Nino, "Here, you can have this one."

Nino stared at the fortune in front of him, "S-seriously?"

"Yeah, I prefer the 24 karat model anyway."

A single tear rolled down Nino's cheek as all his financial worries vanished. He could attend any school, live in any house in any country. He was set for life. As long as he invested smartly.

"I'm buying a movie theater and you're all invited!" he shouted.

Or not.

"Hurray!" everybody cheered.

"A _public_ movie theater?" pondered Adrien before turning to Marinette, "Like the private IMAX ones they put in mansions?"

Marinette's lips flapped several times, "Yes."

"Sounds fun. Guess I'll see you there, Marinette."

Marinette gaped. She did it. She spoke a complete sentence to Adrien. And now she was going to see a movie with him—and the rest of the class—but mostly him!

THIS WAS THE HAPPIEST DAY OF HER LIFE!

* * *

 _Later:_

The ambulance zoomed down the street, its sirens ringing. Inside, a heavily bandaged Marinette groaned on the stretcher, "Alya?" her friend sat over her with concern, "Ugh, what happened?"

"You ran into the movie theater and slipped on an ice cube."

"...Fuck."

END

 _I don't know why I focused so much on eating hair. I think I may have a problem._

ALTERNATE ENDING

 _Meanwhile, in the hospital:_

"We did all we could, sir," the doctor wiped his tired brow, "But I'm afraid the damage is permanent. I'm sorry." He left Theo to sulk in his sorrow.

The sculptor crawled out of the hospital bed and headed for the door.

A new figure waited for him on the other side, "Let me guess, you woke up with your body permanently changed for the worse and had no idea how it happened but somehow _Ladybug_ was involved." The stranger offered his hand, "Do you want revenge?"

Theo examined the young red-headed boy. He noticed the kid's graphite covered arm was spasming. He could sense that this child was like him. Someone who was wronged and left to suffer alone.

Theo smiled, "More than anything," he said with the voice of a chipmunk.

ALTERNATE ENDING END


	14. 10 Love Letter Letdown

_A/N: And I'm back! Who's back? This guy's back! Jeez, writing for Project ML takes a lot out of me, but I'm proud of the story I made. Be ready to read it later this month! It'll be published by me on this site as well as the Project ML site._

* * *

 _PROLOGUE_

 _With only a few swipes on her phone the cigarette puffing Officer Amelie found my address and drove me there. With a reminder to stay out of trouble, she left me at the door. It had been so long since I had set foot within these walls, that I actually hardly recognized the place._

 _Holding back the tears, I ran inside. "Lappy, I'm home!_ _"_

 _I was greeted by my laptop's black screen. After a few awkward moments of silence, I plugged the device in and watched the long start up sequence. If I ever let the battery drain, it would usually take a good ten minutes before I got to the desktop._

 _I decided use that time to make myself some honey and bacon sandwiches. A treat I had been missing for a long time. I picked off the green mold and threw the still good bacon parts on the pan. A tune came to mind and I started to hum as the pork sizzled._

 _"You have arrived at your destination," greeted the GPS on the counter._

 _"Y'up, demon-possessed GPS, I'm back." I added the honey. "How's your everlasting imprisonment?"_

 _"Traffic ahead," it groaned._

 _"Ha ha, yeah, I guess time does go slowly. But that's all in your head, man," I assembled the glorious meal and then heard a ding. "Ooh! Lappy's ready! Come on!" I grabbed the GPS and ran back to my laptop. The final loading bars were filling up. "Like I was saying, you gotta find things to do with your life, like a hobby. You can't spend your life waiting for something to happen."_

 _BRRINGG!_

 _Finally, Lappy's emoji face appeared and it screamed, "SEASON 2!"_

 _"SEASON 2?!" I gagged on my sandwich._

 _"SEASON 2!"_

 _"WHEN?"_

 _"NOVEMBER 3rd! 8 PM!"_

 _"WHERE?!"_

 _"HERE! IN PARIS!"_

 _"I HAVE TO LEARN FRENCH! AAHHH!"_

 _"AAAAAHHHHH!"_

 _"Recalculating..."_

 _...TO BE CONTINUED..._

* * *

Chapter 10  
 **Love Letter Letdown  
** By: I Write Big

"And now a reading from the book of Astruc.

"Before He had created man, the Lord was into this one hot chick. Her beauty was described to be surpassing that of the bustiest of supermodels. The fear of rejection was so great that the Lord approached her as a friend so as to not come off as a creep. Two moons passed and the Lord and the hot chick were really getting along and the Lord thought He had a real shot. He had grown close enough that she felt comfortable introducing Him to her friends. And that is where the Lord met the hot chick's current fiance.

"So great was the Lord's sorrow. His cries shook the Heavens and cracked the Earth. The Lord then hid Himself from the other celestial beings and poured His essence into the blank canvas. Over two months He shaped mankind to be creatures who accepted one another in peace and love and not the friendzone."

Miss Bustier shut the holy text and asked the class, "What morals can we learn from this parable, class?"

Alix appeared at her desk in a blue miniature nuclear explosion wearing bionic future glasses, "That there's no such thing as the friendzone and boys should just _nut up and ask her out_."

"Don't fall for a hot girl when you can buy one, dude," guessed Nino while appreciating his new gold grill in his even newer diamond mirror.

"Ooh!" Rose bounced in the air, "Love conquers all!"

"Very good, Rose," congratulated Miss Bustier.

"Except herpes," corrected Max while adjusting his glasses, "98% of the time, herpes destroys love."

"Settle down, Max, that's the topic for next class," Bustier winked. The school bell rang, "Happy Valentine's Day, everyone. And remember, I'll be hosting the 'Safe Love Seminar' here in five minutes. Just need to get my _tools_ ," she purred as she left.

As all the students raced out, Marinette noticed Adrien still at his desk. He was hard at work on writing something but, based on his frustration, he clearly wasn't satisfied. Which meant he would probably throw it away. Like a lioness stalking a gazelle in the Sahara, a salivating Marinette waited for him to discard more for her collection.

He crumpled the paper and tossed it into the trash. Marinette dove headfirst into the bin.

As Adrien walked out, he was stopped by Chloe and Sabrina, the latter held what looked like a thick, rolled up poster.

"Please sign this!" Chloe begged on bended knee.

"Uh, what is it?" asked Adrien.

"It's not a false affirmation that someone in this world loves me for who I am if that's what you're thinking." Chloe's eye spasmed.

Sabrina placed a hand on her shoulder, "I love you."

"You're not rich, you don't count!" Chloe screamed and then offered Adrien a pen.

Adrien shrugged and signed the poster.

 _Inside the classroom:_

Marinette had torn the trash bin apart and finally had her treasure. She unfolded the scrap of paper and read.

"Your hair is dark as night,  
Your pretty bluebell eyes.  
I wonder who you are  
Beneath that strong disguise.  
Everyday we see each other, I hope that you'll be mine.  
Together our love could be so true,  
Please be my Valentine."

During the poem, Tikki had floated out of her purse and listened to the pretty words. It was obvious who they were describing. In her endless existence, she had never witnessed such pure, innocent love. And what happened then? Well, in Paris they say that the kwami's small heart grew three sizes that day.

"That was..." Tikki sniffled, "That was so beauti—"

"I don't get it. How can eyes taste blue?" questioned Marinette.

And like that, Tikki's heart shrunk seven times smaller and iced over colder than a nuclear winter, "He's not talking about tasting colors like you do, you brain-damaged—ugh! It's a love poem! He's describing someone he loves!"

"Adrien loves someone who isn't me?" Marinette's pupils shrank, "She must die. Whoever this bitch is, she can't hide from me. I have an account of her face right here in my hand." She chuckled with malicious intent.

Tikki groaned before going back into the purse, "Good luck with that."

"Oh my, someone actually stayed." A leather-clad Miss Bustier entered the room and licked her riding crop. "Welcome to the Safe Love Seminar. The safe word is, 'Cucumber Sandwich.'"

 _Outside the school:_

Max held out a heart-shaped velvet box, "After extensive research, cross-referencing magazines and online reviews I have determined that this brooch is the highest ranked in popularity on the market."

"Nerd!" Kim shouted and immediately backpedaled, "Whoa, sorry, man. I gotta work on that. What meant to say was, good job, nerd." He took the box and examined the shiny jewel, "I'll hit a homerun with this one. There's no way I'll strike out. This'll be easier than hitting a grand slam—"

"Jock!" shouted Max. "My apologies, Kim. I haven't an idea where that came from."

Behind him, Marinette was fleeing while screaming, "Cucumber sandwich!" repeatedly. Alya was trying to catch up when she spied the precious gem. She grabbed Marinette and dragged her to the boys.

"Nice," commented Alya, "Who's the lucky lady?"

Kim stepped back, suddenly nervous, "I-I-I don't think I should tell. I might just chicken out in the end."

"Don't." Everyone turned to Marinette. The girl's sweet smile had been replaced with an almost demonic scowl. An aura of darkness flowed around her and Kim could've sworn there were pinpricks of hellfire in her eyes. "If you hesitate, another whore will take them. You must eliminate all who stand in your way."

"You're right, Marinette," the jock agreed, "I can't back down. Operation Valentine's Day is underway." He high-fived Max which sent the meek, short boy flying. Grabbing the map Max drew for him, Kim ran to find his love.

"Astruc speed, you magnificent bastard," a proud tear rolled down Max's cheek.

As the two girls watched the hopeless romantic go, Alya turned to Marinette, "What was that about eliminating those who stand in your way?"

Marinette's sweet smile returned, "Don't worry about that, Alya. You don't have blue eyes."

"...Huh?"

Marinette's haunting gaze glared across the way to Chloe. The blonde was showing off her signed poster to a congregation of teenage girls, young women and a few middle-aged men who were worshipping the newest perfume advertisement featuring Adrien's face. Never before had Marinette noticed how that bitch's eyes were so… _blue._

* * *

 _Later, at Marinette's room:_

Marinette pondered over her desk which was covered with various headshots of the girls in her class. Some had hair dark as night and some had eyes resembling the shade of a bluebell flower. However, no matter how hard she looked, none had both at the same time. Marinette pulled her dark-as-night hair and scrunched her bluebell eyes in frustration. This was getting her nowhere. Who could Adrien possibly be in love with?

"You're serious?" Tikki asked from her shoulder.

"Don't just sit there, Tikki, help me figure this out," Marinette whined.

The kwami rolled her eyes. "Here's a crazy idea, how about you write a poem back?"

Marinette stopped slicing the eyes out of Chloe's photo and raised an eyebrow at the kwami, "What does that accomplish?"

"Oh, I don't know." Tikki pointed to Adrien's poem, which was now mounted as wallpaper behind the Adrien shrine. "If you write something back that's from the heart, sappy and lovey-dovey..."

Marinette's eyes widened, "He'll think his crush sucks! That's brilliant!" Alya then entered the room and was greeted by Marinette's bloodthirsty grin. "Alya, I need to cut out a fresh heart!" Marinette eagerly ordered, brandishing the sharp scissors.

"Noooooooooooooooo!" Alya covered her chest and ran out.

"Fine, I'll do it myself," Marinette shrugged. She trimmed a fresh sheet of red paper into a heart shape. She clicked her pen and began scribing what would surely be the worst response love poem the world had ever seen.

"Make sure to mention his luscious hair," directed Tikki. "He'll hate that."

"Yes, yes," Marinette cackled at her devious plot.

"And point out his gorgeous green eyes," Tikki said, drooling a little herself.

"Until he can't stand to look at himself in the mirror!"

Tikki sighed in longing, "And how his words made you feel something you never thought you'd feel ever again, let alone towards a _human_." She stared into space with a blush. A fantastical image of the kwami floating before the altar in a snow-white dress next to the handsome blonde boy flittered across her imagination.

Marinette blinked, "...Huh?"

"I-I-I mean, uh..." Tikki scrambled, "Look! A ladybug!"

In fact, a ladybug had crawled its way onto Marinette's poem. The girl fawned, "Aw, how cute." She offered her finger for the little thing to crawl on.

The insect knew better and instead bit her finger.

* * *

 _At Adrien's:_

Plagg held his closest friend to his chest, "I'm just a kwami, standing in front of a piece of cheese, asking her to love him." He caressed the moldy camembert tenderly and went in for the kiss.

"You ever think it's unhealthy to be so in love with something that can't love you back?" a weirded out Adrien asked.

"I don't know, man. I could ask the same of you," Plagg pointed to the creepy life-sized Ladybug doll standing in the corner. "Ooh! Burn!"

"Lady _doll_ is different," argued Adrien. "She helps me with my puns."

The silicon polkadotted horror whirred to life and a clearly mechanized voice came from its puppet-like lips, "Oh, Adrien my love, _you're_ the doll."

Adrien folded his arms smugly, "See?"

Plagg was too hungry to care and continued, "Love is not surfing porn of the same chick every night, man," he wisely informed. "Part of it but not all of it. You gotta, like, let her know how you really feel." The kwami visualized this by swallowing the love of its life whole.

"Don't flirt? Be direct? Tell her I love her?" Adrien considered the foreign concept. "That may just be crazy enough to work!"

* * *

 _At the Ponts des Arts Bridge:_

Kim was fidgeting non-stop as his nerves made a wreck of him. He wasn't used to having feelings that weren't sports or competition related. He had been holding them back for so long! Really, it had been a month, but to a hormonal teenager, that's an eternity. Still, he couldn't stand to wait any longer. The idol of his dreams was before him!

"I don't care if it's being used to frame the Shroud of Turin," Chloe bitched into her phone as she crossed the bridge. "I need it to hang my signed Adrien poster on the wall!"

Kim stepped in her path, "My dearest Chloe, my heart sings for you like a local pop star singing The Star-Spangled Banner before the World Series. I yearn to see your majestic smile for it is as glorious as the FIFA World Cup. Plus, your hair isn't pink." Kim waited with bated breath for her response.

Chloe looked up at him as if she had just realized he was there, "Hold on, I think a lesser is talking to me." She pulled the phone away from her ear, "What?"

Not to be discouraged, Kim knelt. As his knees approached the dry wooden bridge, a puddled appeared under him in a blue mini-nuclear explosion. He splashed down and kept going. He opened the velvet heart and presented the brooch to her, "Chloe, will you be my Valentine?"

A bike rider appeared in a blue mini-nuclear explosion and rode past. "Whoa?! Where the hell am I?" exclaimed the bike rider. The tires kicked a wave of puddle water onto Kim. Then a potato chip bag appeared in a blue mini-nuclear explosion and smacked against his face.

Chloe snickered and took a picture, "As Uncle Donald would say, SAD!" She left the poor boy, laughing all the way.

Kim watched her go and asked sincerely, "...Wait, was that a no?"

* * *

Meanwhile, in a tower hidden somewhere in Paris, a great spiral window opened, illuminating the haunting figure of a masked man dancing on his toes and giggling like a little schoolgirl.

"Hoohoo! I get to play matchmaker! Yay! Hawkmoth, Doctor of Love, Ph. D., in the house!" Hawkmoth excitedly clapped and filled one of his butterflies with sickly dark energy, "We'll show him what true love is all about!"

* * *

It was about the five minute mark of Kim waiting for Chloe to come back that he started to think the girl's mocking laughter wasn't a sign of affection. He glared at the rejected brooch in broiling anger just as a dark butterfly exploded on it.

"Uh oh..." he muttered.

"They say the quickest way to a man's heart is through his stomach," Hawkmoth's smiling face appeared before him. "You know what's the quickest way to a woman's heart?"

"Miss Bustier says it's something called Rohypnol," Kim answered.

"Close. It's magical mind control. You want some?"

"Put me in coach!" The boy was swallowed by bubbling darkness. When the spell cleared, Kim had become the vengeful Dark Cupid!

The winged villain took flight, firing arrow after arrow at the various sickeningly in love couples across Paris. Each victim's lips were darkened to a jet black and grew an undying hatred for what they once loved.

KTHWIP!

"I want a divorce!" an arrowed wife threw her Valentine flowers in the river.

KTHWIP!

"You're adopted!" a black lipped man yelled at his toddler.

KTHWIP!

"What am I doing with my life?" a shot man stopped his windowless van, freed the trapped children within and started washing off the 'Free Candy' sign on the vehicle's side.

* * *

 _Meanwhile at Marinette's house:_

Marinette was just about to put the completed poem into the mailbox when Alya approached with two candied apples shaped like hearts.

"Here, will these appease your bloodlust?" Alya shook with fear.

Marinette sighed, "There you are. I had to write the love poem and look up Adrien's mailing address all by myself."

Alya's brain short-circuited, "You… you wrote… a poem? A _love_ poem… to Adrien? Whaaaa…"

The half-chinese girl shoved the letter into the mailslot, "Well, if you hadn't ran off for Astruc knows what reason, you could've been part of my—"

Alya tackled the girl in a bear hug, "Oh, girl, I am so proud of you!"

"Yes, I guess my master plan to destroy my rival is pretty awesome," she smiled at her own brilliance.

"LOVE!" screamed a voice from above. A red-winged man aimed a bow and arrow at the girls. As he let go of the string, Alya cried out and hid behind Marinette. Little did she know, those two candied apples were extra sticky and stuck to Marinette's chest. The arrow ricocheted off the hardened sugar, off the mailbox, off Officer Roger's head and impaled directly into Alya's spine.

"Alya!" Marinette gasped. "Bitch, did you just use me as a human shield?"

The bespectacled girl growled as her lips darkened, "Why not? It's all you're good for! This friendship is over!" She shoved Marinette away.

Marinette shrugged, "Eh, I never really considered us friends, more like emotional crutches. You know, for your addictions and my _obsessions_ , as you like to call them. Just blog about something and you'll feel better."

"Fuck blogging!" Alya proclaimed as she ran off.

Marinette watched as Alya proceeded to kick over various trash cans, burn down Valentine's Day stands and pop heart balloons. "I kinda like this new Alya."

Tikki poked her head out and snarled.

"Fine," she sighed. "Tikki, spots on." In a flourish of red, she became Ladybug and chased Dark Cupid across the city via the rooftops.

* * *

 _At Chloe's place:_

"One former frame of the Shroud of Turin, as ordered," the delivery man presented the item already holding the signed Adrien poster to Chloe and Sabrina.

The blonde stared at the man, "Okay, two things. One, what's with the voice? And two, aren't you that sculptor guy?"

Theo adjusted his lollipop and asked in his permanently high-pitched voice, "Hey, how else is an artist supposed to make money?"

"Art?" suggest Sabrina.

"Funny," he deadpanned.

An arrow struck the delivery van. Up above, Dark Cupid lowered his bow and gave an angry look at the heroine who made him miss his shot. "Stay out of this, Ladybug! Chloe pissed me off!"

"Oh, get in line!" she scoffed.

Dark Cupid fired several arrows at Ladybug but she spun her yo-yo into a magical barrier. The arrows bounced off and sailed across the city.

 _Meanwhile, at the Agreste Mansion:_

Nathalie was hard at work drawing her own risque Chat Noir fanart when a stray arrow hit her. Her lips turned black and she calmly pressed the call button on the desk phone.

"Yes, Nathalie?"

"Mr. Agreste, I just needed to inform you that I hate you."

She waited until she heard the grown man crying before she hanged up and went back to drawing.

 _Back in the fight:_

Ladybug was ducking and diving with her magical barrier raised high as Dark Cupid fired shot after shot. One bad foot placement, though, sent the heroine over the roof edge. This left her hanging upside down out of Dark Cupid's sight.

Fashionably neon pink butterfly-themed sunglasses appeared on the villain's face and he saw a blubbering Hawkmoth, "Ignore the tears. I've… I've got a butterfly in my eye. Just-just get the Miraculous, okay?"

Dark Cupid nodded quickly to get out of the awkward moment and flew across the rooftops to find his target.

Ladybug watched him go in the wrong direction before she was grabbed from behind. She found herself pressed a little too close to Chat Noir. She was about kick him when she saw how absolutely shy he seemed.

"I, uh, don't really know how to say this without puns..." he began. She had never heard such sincerity from him. It was almost sweet. "My lady, I'm… I'm in lesbians with—"

KTHWIP!

Instincts took over and Ladybug's body protected itself using the first thing it could grab: Chat Noir.

Ladybug blinked as the boy's suddenly heavy body went slack.

"Oh! Whoops." She waited for Chat to respond. "Yo, Chat Noir… You alright? You dead? Don't say anything if you're dead."

"M-m-my Lady..." he weakly groaned.

Ladybug rubbed his back, searching for the arrow so she could push it in further, "Shhshhhshhh, that's it. Go gently into that good night."

"Not… dying..."

"You don't know that. You're not a doctor."

Chat Noir convulsed in her arms as he seemed to struggle against something, "Get away… from me… before I h-h-hurt you." His body settled and his voice came back full force, "You CUNT!"

"Whoa?!" Ladybug held him at arm's length and stared. He glared back at her with such intense hatred and dark lipstick, "...You kiss your mother with that mouth?"

"MY MOTHER'S DEAD!" he screeched and swiped a claw at her.

"Yikes!" she stomped his foot, breaking out of his grasp. She swung away and tumbled through Chloe's front door.

"Ladybug!" Chloe cheered. "Hold on, let me get my costume and we can be twinsies!"

* * *

Chat Noir dialed a number on his battle staff/phone.

"Hello?"

"Father, I just needed to tell you that I hate you."

He waited until he heard his dad crying before he hanged up. He then scaled up the building wall only to find Dark Cupid waiting for him.

The sunglasses reappeared and the villain asked, "What should I do with him?" He was answered by a bawling Hawkmoth, huddled in a pathetic fetal position in a puddle of his own tears. Dark Cupid cut the connection and decided to offer out his hand, "Join me, and together, we can rule Paris as brokenhearted bros."

Chat Noir took the hand, "Bros before hoes."

* * *

Ladybug took a battle stance by the door, "No time to explain, Chloe. You need to run!"

"Why?" asked Chloe.

"There's no time to explain!"

"You sure?" Sabrina pointed out, "It seems like in the time it took for us to have this conversation, you could've easily explained what was going on."

"NO TIME!" Ladybug threw her yo-yo at Chloe. The string wrapped itself around the girl's body and Ladybug dragged her out of the building.

"Stop, I'm not the Sub!" complained Chloe, "I'm the Dom! The Dom!"

Making a mental not to never google what those words meant, Ladybug unraveled Chloe outside and sent the girl running, just ahead of Dark Cupid's rain of arrows. The heroine prepared to cut the villain off when she was cut off by none other than Chat Noir!

"Where do you think you're going?" he raised his battle staff.

Ladybug threw up her arms, "Ugh, come on, we just had an evil Chat Noir episode!"

"Not quite. That was an imposter Chat Noir." He struck a dramatic pose, "I'm the real evil Chat Noir. The Anakin to your Obi-wan. The Darth Vader to your Ben. The Kylo Ren to your Han Solo."

"Nerd!" shouted a distant Dark Cupid.

She facepalmed, "You do realize two of those examples were the same people, right?"

"Shut up! The point is I hate you!"

He lashed out first. She dodged, taking the fight up to the roofs. None of his blows were landing but she couldn't get any in either. Finally, she managed to throw her yo-yo, lassoing his staff. The two struggled to overpower each other.

"Your hatred..." Ladybug grimaced as she pulled against him, "It's as great as my own."

"You've always won through hatred, _my lady,_ " he spat the name. "But can you defeat hatred?"

He was right. She only defeated all those villains before through her loathsome uncaring. How could she overcome her greatest weapon?

She gasped as sudden memories from earlier that day flooded back.

" _...Love conquers all!..."_

" _...98% of the time, herpes destroys love..."_

" _...Cucumber sandwich..."_

Ladybug's eye twitched, "Please tell me you have herpes."

"What? No!"

She retracted her yo-yo, "Merde, guess we have to go with love." The unarmed heroine marched towards her foe.

Chat Noir started trembling like a leaf under her new confident attitude, "W-w-w-what do you mean by that? What are you doing?"

"The safe word is 'Cucumber Sandwich,' kitty." She learned towards his face with puckered lips.

Chat ran away on all fours, "No! I'm not ready! I'm still a virgin!"

"I'm not hearing cucumber sandwich!" Ladybug gave chase.

* * *

Chloe stared down the point blank arrow meant for her. The escape had gone from bad to worse quick. Her jacket was wrinkled, her hair was ruined and she was just drenched with her own body sweat. Disgusting! She didn't care anymore. There was no point in trying to run. She shut her eyes and prayed to Astruc her funeral would be fabulous.

KTHWIP!

She peeked. The long arrow had pierced her chest right where her heart should be but there was no pain. Dark Cupid seemed equally confused and prodded the ammo. It bobbed there with zero effect.

"You don't feel any different?"

"Different how?"

"You're supposed to hate everything and everyone you love." They let that sink in. "Do you not love—"

"Of course I love stuff!" she huffed. "I love money and Adrien... and money." Her voice petered out as she realized she felt no different about these things as she did before she had a magical arrow in her chest.

As the awkward silence grew, Dark Cupid cleared his throat and flew away without a word.

A dark lipped Sabrina took a pic of the broken Chloe and posted it, "As your Uncle Donald would say, SAD!"

* * *

 _Meanwhile:_

Fear raced through Chat Noir's body as he made random twists and turns in order to lose his pursuer. He rounded a chimney only to find Ladybug patiently leaning against the brick.

"Come here, my little pussycat," she beckoned with a pair of bedroom eyes.

"Ah!" Chat Noir jumped off the roof and hid inside one of the buildings. He locked the door and pushed his back against it.

"Hello, my pretty," he heard. The boy stiffened and looked up. Ladybug looked down at him through the open decorative window above the door. "I guess this make me the locksmith of love."

"No!" Chat opened the door and bolted out.

He only got a couple steps away before the yo-yo string tightened around him and secured him to a lamppost. Ladybug lowered herself upside down until she was face to face with him.

"When a girl makes an effort, you should show some appreciation, Chat." She leaned in for the kill when an arrow flew between them. Ladybug loosened her yo-yo and flipped out of range. Now free, Chat Noir landed by a great fountain with Dark Cupid at his side.

"How are you gonna beat both us, Bug Bite?" Chat mocked as he fistbumped Dark Cupid.

Ladybug threw her yo-yo in the air, "Lucky Charm!" Down came a polkadotted candied apple heart. The same exact sticky kind of one that stuck to her chest earlier. Her eyes lit up! For once, this was exactly what she needed! With this she could disarm Dark Cupid, free Chat Noir and save the day! She stretched out her arm to catch the falling prize.

SPLAT!

Ladybug stared at the candy on the ground. She had missed. She tugged on it but, just as she feared, it was stuck to the sidewalk.

"Fuck!"

"Cataclysm!"

A wave of black magic was coming right for her head. Her inner Neo took over and she leaned back. In slow motion she saw a loose strand of hair come in contact with the claw and disintergrate into dust. She twisted out of the dodge and grasped the candy apple's handle and pulled.

Finally, she felt the apple come loose, only… it was a lot heavier than she remembered. The candied apple had pulled up the slab of concrete with it! Grinning like a maniac, she lobbed the walkway at Dark Cupid.

"Mommy…" he whimpered.

The villain was crushed into the fountain water. Not having to worry about being shot, Ladybug tackled Chat Noir and planted one right on his lips. Victory overpowered her sense of disgust as she held the kiss for as long she could hold her breath.

Her lungs begged for air and she at last pulled back… only to find a black-lipped, pissed off Chat Noir glaring back at her.

"What? But I—"

"Here," a hand pushed her aside. It belonged to a waxy-skinned, doll-like version of herself. "Let me show you how it's done." The creature then captured Chat's lips with its own.

The black faded from the boy's mouth and when the kiss ended he stared back not in anger but surprise, "Ladydoll? What are you doing here? Wait, what am _I_ doing here?"

The doppelgänger didn't answer and instead turned to the human Ladybug. "While I was programmed to love, it has taken me years of observing humanity to comprehend its true meaning." The thing's cold, lifeless, clammy hands somehow brought warmth as it put them on Ladybug's shoulders. "Love is not a weapon, but, rather, a mutual understanding. Both must love the other or else it's creepy. He only loves me because I remind him of you. And I love him because I'm a fool." Unable to shed any tears, the sentient silicon machine wandered away.

"...Was that a sex doll of me!?" Ladybug demanded.

"Um, uh, I, uh, look! An Akuma!" Chat grabbed the dark butterfly that flew out of the pile of broken concrete in the fountain.

* * *

 _One Miraculous Ladybug later:_

Adrien collapsed on his bed. It had been a long day of fighting evil and he had completely failed to tell Ladybug his true feelings. Not even his father had been around for Valentine's Day, only briefly appearing to weirdly make Adrien say he didn't hate him. It had something to do with having to deal with a stressful phone call Nathalie had explained.

Plagg glided out in the open and laid on his Camembert throne, "Man, I am not gonna lie. You were kind of a dick and it was priceless."

"Ugh," Adrien groaned, "Don't remind me."

"You know what you need? A pity lay." The kwami dove into the pile of valentine letters that had arrived for the boy in his absence. "Any of these chicks will do—whoa!" He pulled out a bouquet shaped from what looked like somebody's shaved head hair. "Not that one. This one." He quickly tossed the first one he saw. It so happened to be a simple heart cut out of red paper. It fell onto Adrien's face and he read.

"Your hair shines like the sun,  
Your eyes are gorgeous green,  
I look at you and wonder,  
Your innermost thoughts and dreams.  
Your Valentine I will be,  
Our love will be so true,  
Together for eternity,  
My heart belongs to you."

Plagg shrugged, "I don't think 'green' rhymes with 'dreams' but whatever. Dial up that bootycall."

"W-w-what's hap-p-pening?" Adrien stuttered as unexpected tears flowed. "Why am-m-m I c-crying? I can't stop!"

"Relax, man," said Plagg. "You act like no one's told you they love you or something."

"Not like this! Not like they meant it! Not like the mother I cry myself missing over every night!" Adrien clenched the precious poem to his chest.

"...Wow, you got issues, man."

Adrien's intensity suddenly diminished as he reached the bottom of the letter, "It isn't signed… oh well, I guess I can just look up the return address on the front."

As Adrien was turning over the piece of mail that legally had to include a return address for complete delivery, he heard a _'SPLAT!'_ and a hot red beam of light pierced the paper. Adrien looked towards the source of the laser and found Ladydoll in the corner of the room, a polkadotted heart-shaped candied apple on her head and her standard laser eyeholes cooling down.

"Apologies, Adrien. My safe love measures malfunctioned."

A sigh escaped the boy's lips as he saw the properly marked return address on the beautiful poem was burned away. But then a little ladybug landed on the letter and with its appearance came a renewed sense of hope. Maybe, just maybe, his poem had found its way to his lady and she had written him back.

"Ladydoll," he asked as he watched the insect buzz out the door, "Is it crazy to wait for someone, even if they may never love you back?"

"It is one of the various accepted definitions of 'crazy'," it answered, then looked at the boy with longing, "but it is also human."

The little ladybug continued its flight down the hall. It landed near Nathalie's workspace.

Mr. Agreste stopped at Nathalie's desk, his back towards the woman. "You don't hate me, correct, Nathalie?"

The secretary briefly stopped her typing, "I do not hate you, sir."

"Good, then we shall put this matter behind us. Morale and trust are necessary for a business relationship." He cleared his throat and marched out of the room. Before Nathalie could resume her work, he briefly stopped and said, "I also don't hate you, Nathalie."

Her head snapped towards the man but he had already disappeared out the door. She couldn't wipe the shock from her face.

That was the kindest thing he had ever said to her.

The bug took flight again, escaping the confines of the mansion and now navigated across Paris. It landed on a flower outside a jewelry shop.

An aggravated Kim stepped out, the brooch still in his hand. Waiting on him was a disappointed Max.

"My apologies, Kim," said Max. "I should have taken into account the store's lack of a refund policy."

"Man, this sucks. What am I supposed to do with this?" Kim groaned. He then spied Alix drifting towards them on her rollerblades. He shoved the brooch in her face, "Here."

She skidded to a halt and blinked at the gift, "...The hell is this?"

"You can use it to decorate your stupid blades or something, I don't know." He left, shoulders sagging from a long loveless day. Max kept pace, trying to cheer him up. Alix watched him go, unable to name the feeling bubbling in her chest.

The ladybug took off once more and found its way into another home. On a balcony, it found Chloe looking out over the city with empty eyes. Despite the magical arrow being gone, she could still feel the harrowing truth it had left.

"Chloe, aren't you gonna come inside?" asked Sabrina at the door.

Chloe found it hard to turn around, "Sabrina, am I a bitch?"

For the longest time, there was no answer. She heard footsteps approach and then a pair of arms wrapped around her.

"Yes, but I'm also your bitch."

The ladybug left the two and finally made it to homebase, an abandoned fast food bag refashioned into an impenetrable fortress. His fellow ladybug soldiers saluted him as he approached the cape-wearing ladybug on the polkadotted throne. "My lord, I could not retrieve the DNA sample from the Cat-Boy. He was protected by some sort of machine—"

His words caught in his pincers as his lord turned to face him. "No matter," the monarch buzzed past the soldiers, "we have secured the female's sample. It will do." He pushed aside the burger wrapper to reveal their great machine of war. On two legs it stood like man with great arching shoulders of metal. The DNA they had obtained was already changing the structure, infusing magic throughout its circuitry. It reached only three antenna over them, but once it finishes growing to full height, it will be unstoppable.

"Soon, we will make our move."

END

 _So, just want to point out how subtly dark this show can get. Loveless Sabrina posts an embarrassing photo of Chloe. Something Chloe does without the influence of love-destroying magic. In other words, the show writers are saying normal Chloe has as much love in her heart as someone with all their love sucked out of them. Unintentional or not, it's canon and I made it more obvious for the sake of humor._

 _I'm gonna take this little nugget and run with it and you can't stop me!_

 _Also, I think this is one of the few times where throwing the Lucky Charm at the bad guy actually worked in the show._


	15. 3rd Miraculous Secretion

_A little Secretion to hold you readers over until December. What's in December you may ask? Let's just say I have something_ special _planned for you. Something coming out around the time of_ Christmas. _Of the_ Miraculous Headache _variety._

 _It's the **Miraculous Headache Christmas Special!**_

 _Soon…_

* * *

Secretion 3  
 **Parole  
** _By: I Write Big_

Living in a bakery has its perks. There's always a sweet smell to wake up to, fresh food to snack on and a well stocked kitchen in which to experiment. Unfortunately, such delicatessen sweet shops tend to attract huge orders. Thankfully, the Dupain-Chengs worked their bakery as a family.

"Here's a little secret, Marinette," instructed Tom Dupain as he pulled the steaming, fully assembled macarons from the oven, "To speed up the baking process, stack the macarons before you put them in the heat. That way they're ready to eat right away."

"But… wouldn't the buttercream filling melt?" Marinette pointed out.

At her words, the several hundred macarons dissolved into goop. Tom sighed and tossed the inedible slime down the drain.

As he started mixing a replacement batch, the front door jingled open. Alya entered and waved to everyone, "Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Dupain-Cheng..." her eyes drifted to the corner of the room, "...and Mr. Dupain's Parole Officer."

The La Sante prison guard gave the girl a curt nod.

"Hey, Marinette," the bespectacled girl went to her friend, "You'll never guess who I bumped into on my way here… Adrien!"

Marinette gasped, "You touched Adrien? Which part of you?! I must get a sample!" She began scouring Alya's body for his scent.

"He told me he was going to Nino's theater for another free movie this afternoon," Alya continued, trying to ignore how handsy Marinette was getting. "I swear, that boy is gonna go out of business the way he gives out tickets."

"No way! I have to go too and—" Marinette choked on her words when she recalled her responsibilities. "Oh wait… I have to stay here and help my parents bake an order for the parole board. They could reduce Dad's sentence if he makes a good impression."

"And by 'impression' she means macarons," Sabine chuckled.

Tom turned to his parole officer and whispered, "As long as it isn't cash then it's legally _not_ a bribe, right?"

The officer shrugged.

"Hey, I know, how about you give us a hand, Alya?" Sabine suggested. "That way we can finish faster and Marinette will have time to go to the movies."

"And it'll show how I'm no longer a danger around children," eagerly added Tom.

Alya stroked her chin at the concept. She picked up two end macaron wafers. One already had the sugary buttercream filling. She looked at the one missing the filling. Then the one with the filling. They seemed to be the exact same shape but incomplete. As if they were two halves of the same whole. With shaky hands, she moved to test her theory. She held the filling-less wafer over the other. Like a surgeon attempting the first incision, she slowly lowered the dry wafer towards the end goal. Her arm trembled with her loud heartbeat. Sweaty palms threatened to make her drop the dessert.

Millimeters remained...

Almost there…

"I DID IT!" Alya proclaimed. She held the completed macaron up for the world to see.

"Uh… why's your phone in the macaron, Alya?" asked Marinette.

"Duh, how else am I supposed to blog about the inner workings of baking?"

Tom let out a hearty, booming laugh, "Haha! Alya, you jokester, always bringing fun to the party." Tom gave a toothy smile to his parole officer who nodded in approval. "But seriously don't put your phone in my baking bribe," Tom added.

"No problem!" Alya grabbed another set of wafers and stuck them together. "One down."

Marinette blinked and pointed at the macaron, "...Um, Alya…"

She followed the finger to her creation only to see her recording phone stuck in the middle just like before. "Huh?! How did—"

Tom's hearty laugh started to turn nervous, "Haha… Come on, Alya, joke's over. We only have so much batter so enough with the phone."

"I'm not doing this on purpose, I swear!" The blogger's arms were a blur as she desperately tried to assemble a macaron. Each and every time, her phone would appear in the middle. Marinette didn't see Alya place the device in the sweet, the thing just seemed to appear there! She could only imagine what Alya's followers were seeing through the livestream. "Ugh!" Alya threw her arms up in frustration and shoved the phone into Marinette's hands. "Just take it!" Marinette held the buttercream-covered device as Alya marched to the other side of the bakery. With a considerable distance between Alya and her phone, she proceeded to lower the top wafer.

Now, buttercream is slippery, so it is understandable that a phone covered in the stuff would slide out of Marinette's grip. What isn't understandable is how the hard, metallic rectangle glided like a bar of soap across the floor, up a table leg, and through most of the completed macarons. The device chopped like a possessed buzzsaw, shredding the desserts into pieces. The Dupain-Chengs stared in abstract horror at the culinary catastrophe.

"It worked!" Alya gleefully held up her single phone-free macaron.

Her reward was seeing Marinette and her mother trying to hold Tom back from smashing her phone with a rolling pin. Thankfully, Tom's parole officer's face was covered in buttercream and didn't witness this.

 _Later:_

Most of the buttercream had been wiped from the walls and Alya's phone was securely locked in a cabinet. While the bakers had been able to salvage some of the filling, even more had to be mixed. With even less time on their hands, Alya had suggested enlisting even more classmates to help, which was why Rose and Juleka were now on the assembly line.

"Ooh! These macarons are so cute!" Rose cooed as she put together one, "Aren't they, Juleka?"

"Sure..." Juleka sighed.

"Hey, you know what will make them even cuter?" Rose flipped out her pocket knife, "Carving them into adorable shapes! Like hearts!"

"Or eyeballs..." the faintest hint of a smile encroached on Juleka's lips, "of the damned."

Tom, his booming laugh still remarkably nervous, stepped forward with the last batch. "Ohohoho, you two, so creative. I'll make you some special shaped macarons next time. For now, let me just hold onto that knife..." He gently reached for the dangerous weapon.

Rose's eyes hardened and she slashed at his reaching hand. She pointed the blade at him and growled, "Unless you wanna get cut, back up that butt." She blinked and then smiled. "Ooh! I rhymed! Teehee!"

The baker jumped back, standing stock straight in shock. He looked down at Juleka as if she could explain what just happened.

"She _really_ likes that knife," warned Juleka with the most uncaring of shrugs.

Before the situation could get any stranger, Sabine stacked one final macaron and proclaimed, "We're done!"

Everyone in the bakery cheered.

Alya was finally allowed to have her phone back.

"And it's all thanks to you supergirls," Tom said with a confident smile. He then offered the large box of treats to the parole officer. "Here, have one." The parole officer professionally took a macaron without a word. "Hurry and grab a snack from the bakery, girls. You don't want to miss the movie."

As he said this, the front door jingled open. In came Adrien and Nino. "Hey girls," Adrien greeted. "Heard you wanted to join us and we decided to come pick you up. Ready?"

Marinette blushed intensely at the presence of her one true obsession. The children filed out to enjoy the rest of the afternoon, waving goodbye to the parents. Tom let out a deep breath. It had been a tough day and he would have to fight to stay out of the clink, but at least he had his family to help.

The parole officer faceplanted behind them.

"Holy merde!" Tom screeched.

His wife ran to the officer and checked their pulse. "...They're dead!"

"DEAD?! What are you talking about? They were fine a second ago when I offered them a macaron—" An empty can of what Tom recognized as their store's rat poison rolled across the counter. Not only did the contents resemble sugar but there was an Alya's phone sized indent in the can's side. Tom's heart went a million miles an hour as he he realized what a dead parole officer in his home looked like. He'd get life! Or worse, he'd be voted out of the European Union! He'd be Brexit 2!

His wife then hefted the musclebound guard, who was twice her size, over her shoulder. "Sabine, what are you doing? What's going on?!" His breathing became erratic and grew into hyperventilating.

She slapped him, "I'm doing this for you, Tom! This family can't survive without you! I am not gonna be a single parent! We can't have a parent in jail, this is a family show! Now shut up and grab his legs!"

* * *

Tom felt exposed on his roof. Rarely did he come here, except for the occasional star gazing and brandy. Now, he was out in broad daylight with his wife messily digging up their herb garden and a _corpse_ at his feet! He felt like he was going to faint.

"Honey..." Sabine sweetly caressed his mutton chops.

He whimpered.

"Honey!" Sabine harshly slapped his mutton chops and pulled the gargantuan man down to her eye level via his facial hair. "Listen to me carefully. No questions. The less you know, the better. There is something special about our garden. Okay?"

Tom weakly nodded.

"You know that blonde boy our daughter went to the movies with? The one she has a _thing_ for?"

He gave a surprised squeak.

"Oh... Thought you noticed. Yeah, she has an _interest_ in him. Isn't exactly the healthiest interest but not the point. You know who I'm talking about?"

Again he nodded.

"A couple weeks ago, I buried his disembodied head in our garden."

Tom let out a shocked whimper.

"Shhshhshhh! I know. When he first showed up again, I was scared too. I looked up here. I knew exactly where I left him. Under the rosemary, right next to the basil. But his head was gone and he showed no sign of remembering he was ever dead nor who killed him. Do you understand?"

The blood in Tom's veins ran cold as his wife's words took hold. In the back of his mind, a tiny voice assured him that he had heard of something like this. When the ground turns sour, it inherits properties of all the lives it once helped grow. And those properties can be passed on to those that lack life. Make them come back.

He threw the officer's body into the garden.

* * *

"Come on, dudes, the movie is about to start!" Nino waved his arm, inviting everyone into the theater. Marinette took extra precaution to not step on any loose ice cubes. She had a whole 90 minutes to smell Adrien up close while he was distracted and she wasn't going to miss it.

Alya, on the other hand, decided it was best not to broadcast today's flick to her Pirating Blog and to turn off her buggy phone instead. She made a mental note to get it checked. As she entered the theater, nobody noticed her disabled device's screen light back on with a pair of red mechanical eyes.

"I think, therefore I blog. Universe, I'm coming for you..."

END

* * *

 _Very soon..._


	16. How the Bitch Stole Christmas

_Welcome, one and all, to the Miraculous Headache Christmas Spectacular!_

* * *

 _PROLOGUE_

 _Gentle snowflakes dusted my hair and I watched my cloudy breath fog the night sky. The City of Love had been transformed into a City of Lights with Christmas decorations sparkling on every lamppost, road sign and rooftop. A happy couple caught my attention. Despite the frigid weather, they had chosen to sit at one of the few outdoor tables of a corner cafe. They huddled together, sharing their warmth and their love of the Holiday season. Their happiness reminded why I was here and I rang the bell._

 _Moments later, she opened the door, a lit cigarette already in her mouth._

 _"Christ, Officer Amelie, do you ever not smoke?"_

 _She inspected me with a curious glance, "What are you doing here, Stupid American?"_

 _Her words spewed a column of second-hand in my face and I shielded myself with the wrapped box. "Here."_

 _"What is zis?" she asked with disgust._

 _"The hell does it look like? It's a gift. You know, something to say thank you for helping me out." I found that I couldn't look her in the eye, "And I... um..."_

 _"Talk, Monsieur Big."_

 _My fingers drummed the festive gift box. "Look, nobody knows I'm in Paris. Not my family, friends. Nobody. This is my first Christmas alone and... you're the closest thing I have to a friend. That's human, at least." I whispered that last part._

 _"Friend? Me?" she scoffed. "I nearly put you in jail."_

 _"But you didn't. You let me go. And then, when I was lost, you brought me home. Sure, you act mean, smoke like your paid to, keep saying I'm stupid, but underneath all that you're... a good person. I just wanted you to know I appreciate that." With my peace said, I pressed the present into her arms and left with a quick, "Merry Christmas." I had barely reached the building's gate when I heard her speak._

 _"Monsieur Big," she put out the cigarette. Contempt still held strong in her gaze, but there was a softness about them now. She held the door open to her apartment. "Would you like to come inside?"_

 _I could barely contain my disbelief, "S-Seriously?"_

 _"No one should be alone on Christmas Eve. Not even you, Stupid American." A rare smile found its way to her lips and I returned it full force._

 _I wrapped her in a strong hug, which I'm sure she enjoyed, "Oh, thank you, Officer Amelie!"_

 _"Do not touch me."_

 _"And we can celebrate with my gift!" She opened the box to find the red flash drive that I had decorated with polkadots. "I bootlegged the entirety of season 2 of Miraculous Ladybug. I even got the episodes that haven't been released yet!"_

 _Her smile dropped, "You stole zees?"_

 _I shrugged, "Technically, the internet stole them. I'm only re-gifting them. To you."_

 _"I could arrest you for pirating."_

 _I wrapped her in another hug, "Could. Should. Won't. You're just mad that I was right about Gabriel being Hawkmoth. Come on, I'll make you some Stupid American Fruit Cake!" I walked her inside, ready to celebrate the season with my newest best friend._

 _...TO BE CONTINUED..._

* * *

 _WARNING: THIS IS ALL IN RHYME! BEWARE, ALL YE WHO ENTER!_

 **How the Bitch Stole Christmas  
** _A Miraculous Headache Tale  
_ By: I Write Big

Some tales are better read in the grandfatherly voice of Boris Karloff. If any of you readers can do so, please show off.

"Who said that?!" Marinette jumped like a scared cat. She spun around to improve her desperate search for the intruder. "I can hear you! Come out!"

The chair raised in her hand told me that keeping myself a secret, there was no error greater. I cleared my invisible throat and made my introduction. Hello, I'm the Narrator!

"What?"

Here to tell you a tale meant to be read. Please don't be alarmed, I'm only a voice in your head.

"...Whaaat?!"

The young girl lowered the furniture, calm as can be.

"I AM NOT DROPPING MY WEAPON AND I AM NOT CALM!" she screeched like a banshee. "I do not sound like a banshee!"

"Yes, you do," polkadotted Tikki floated out of her box, face a-scowling, "Your voice is so shrill I'm surprised dogs aren't howling."

Marinette cowered behind the creature, hoping against hope she could beseech her. "Some crazy guy's here! He keeps saying what we're doing."

Tikki eyes narrowed, her mind was brewing, "Is he rhyming?"

Marinette nodded, she was close to crying. "AM NOT!"

The Kwami addressed the girl who drank enough to have liver rot, "He's exactly what he sounds like. Some weird part of being a Miraculous Wielder evidently entails having this guy around sometimes," she said like she hated my rhymes. "Usually only during major Holidays."

Or maybe a two hour special, but never always.

"Honey, can you help me down here?" called her mother Sabine, it was too loud to mishear.

The girl rushed below, eager to help with whatever she needed to do. "Shut up! I'm trying to get away from you!" she claimed as she descended. Little did she know, I only leave when the story has ended. Through the bakery doors she burst, "Sacre bleu." What greeted her were hundreds of Parisians lined up in a queue.

"Hurry, Marinette," her mother instructed, all of their orders had to be inducted.

She briefly gaped, "What's with the mob?" and I chuckled, telling her that was my job.

Twas the night before Christmas and all through Paree not a store was open except the Dupain-Cheng patisserie. The yuletide logs were being handed out in droves and dear Marinette was none too happy to pass out the loaves.

"Why did everyone wait until the night before to get their Christmas food?" she demanded through her professional smile so as not to break the festive mood.

Alya stood at the front of the long line of annoyed faces, "The Bourgeois bought out all the other places."

"And wasn't it just Valentine's last chapter?" pondered the bluenette.

"Time is fucked up," Alix took her log. "Don't think about it, Marinette."

The time traveler vanished in a blue mini-nuclear explosion. Her place was then taken by a fairy and a girl with no emotion.

"Merry Christmas to you!" Rose bubbled.

"Yeah, _merry_ ," Juleka's crushing emptiness doubled.

Two more logs sold and then came a pair Marinette was frightened to see. "Mommy!" cheered Manon as she leaped into her arms, "How's your new secret boyfriend?"

"Eh, he was a three."

For hours this went on with no end in sight until Marinette was greeted with a bratty blight. The last one in line was none other than Chloe. In that gaudy yellow coat, Marinette thought she looked rather doughy.

The foes glared daggers in silence until Sabine stepped in, "Honey, they're clients."

Swallowing her bile and ignoring her ire, Marinette muttered, "Merry Christmas, Chloe. I hope you die in a fire."

Chloe left with her log, with the smugness of her Uncle Donald. Marinette wished a Christmas miracle would see the bitch's throat throttled. Their task complete, the Dupain-Chengs moved to lock the door when it was thrust open by Ape-Man, who reached six foot, four.

With a stone-cold frown and little hesitation, the giant dropped his spare change in the poor box as a donation. Recognizing him, Marinette ran upstairs and was swift. She had little time to find Adrien's gift. "How do you know about Adrien's gift?" she barked.

Oh, don't worry, I have everything important earmarked.

Marinette tore her room apart, the situation was maddening, "Astruc, why is this happening?"

"You get used to it. What I don't understand is why you humans celebrate Astruc's birth," whined Tikki. "He created nothing but anger that turns you evil and called it Earth."

"Stop rhyming and help me, Tikki!" Marinette cried as she cleared her shelf with a shove. "I'm gonna use this holiday to profess my love!"

The Kwami raised her nubby arm which was most grotesque and lazily pointed to the already wrapped gift waiting on the desk. With a screech of joy, the girl bounded outside and presented the wrapped goody meant for her boy. The tall bodyguard received the package and drove off without a word. Marinette looked up, her nervous heart stirred.

"I hope Adrien has a good Christmas. One without complaint."

Oh trust me, girl. He ain't.

* * *

Every Parisian in Paree liked Christmas a lot… But the supermodel Adrien, who lived in a grand mansion, did NOT!

"Who's talking? Oh no, did Father get me _another_ Amazon Alexa?"

Nope, I'm the Narrator, here to give your Christmas a little something extra. It's a perk of being a hero! By the way, I only take payment in Euro. Just go about your holiday and I won't get in your way.

"Um… alright."

Ahem… Adrien hated Christmas!

"What?! No! Never!"

Yes! Always! The whole Christmas season! Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason. It could be his perfect head wasn't screwed on just right.

"My head?"

It could be, perhaps, that his designer shoes were too tight.

"How would tight shoes even make me hate Christmas?"

But I think that the most likely reason to be said, may have been that his mother was supposedly _**dead!**_

"...Dude… now that you say it. I think I might really hate Christmas!" his timbre turned listless.

Whatever the reason, his mom or his shoes, he stood there on Christmas Eve, hating the nightly news. Staring down from his room with a sour, Frenchy frown, at the warm lighted windows below in their town. For he knew every Parisian down in Paree, was busy now, eating with their family.

"And they're saying they love each other!" he snarled with a sneer, "Tomorrow is Christmas! It's practically here!" Then he growled with his French fingers nervously drumming, "I MUST find some way to stop Christmas from coming!"

For tomorrow, he knew, all of Paree, full of happy and glee, would wake bright and early. They'd rush for the tree! And then! Oh, the gifts! Oh, the Gifts! Gifts! Gifts! Gifts! That's the one thing he hated! The GIFTS! GIFTS! GIFTS! GIFTS!

Ape-Man handed Marinette's gift to the boy. The thing brought him little joy. All the toys in the world couldn't keep him from jumping in the Seine water. The only one who possibly could would be his absent father. All year round the millionaire designer worked like a beast. Adrien had hoped he'd appear for Christmas, at least.

"What is he doing? I wish I could check."

Ooh, I can! Hold on, give me a sec.

 _Down the hall:_

In a room that resembled a mural, sulked lonely Gabriel Agreste, still not over the empty coffin burial.

"Who dares enter my office?!"

...Wait, you can hear me? But that means… Oh merde, I need to be more cautious.

"Answer me or pay the consequence!"

Uh, um, I am the ghost of your dead wife, trapped in pits most bottomless!

"No! I'm being haunted! Not again!"

My spirit cannot transcend! OooOoooOooh!

"Sir," called Nathalie with a tone that said she was so done, "not to sound like a nagging wife, but you should spend time with your son."

The man slowly turned, his tear-drenched eyes wide as the moon.

Nathalie quirked an eyebrow, "What, too soon?"

 _Back in Adrien's room:_

"So? Was he busy?" the blonde asked, all giddy.

Right, your father… Let's just say he's not gonna bother.

The blonde stormed up a tither, "Fine, if father won't be here, I won't either!" A blast of black transformed him into Chat Noir. The hero leaped out of the house, vaulting over his boudoir. With great distress he let out a mighty roar, "Fuck Christmas!"

Across rooftops he soared, spying on parents with the children they adored. His boundless magical energy fueled his tantrum as he spread through the city his spiteful anthem.

"Joy to the world!  
My mommy's dead!  
'Least that's what Father said!  
And what happened to her body?  
He lost it somewhere near Saudi  
And has no idea where  
And has no idea where  
And has no idea, no idea where!"

A poor child whose ears were left ringing cried, "Granny! There's a homeless man dressed funny by our window and he's singing."

"Now now, sweetie," chided the blind grandmother, "this time of year he's called a caroller."

"Do we still make him go away by throwing trash at him?"

"'Course," the senior flexed her throwing thumb, "he's just a bum."

One garbage stoning later, Chat Noir stood before the public Christmas tree. A plan most foul formed that was as shocking as can be.

"I'mma disintegrate it!"

Well… shit. Oh! I mean, _merde_!

Down this path would only anger bring and nearby a dark messenger waited on fluttery wing. The ultimate power of destruction coursed through his leather glove. He reached forward only to see a face of love. His mother's smiling image flashed in his mind, those eyes were so gentle and kind. Confliction arose in the boy's heart and he spoke, "I can't do it!"

"Ugh," groaned the disappointed Akuma, "Screw this, I'm going for a smoke."

The child knelt, his power drained completely and he de-transformed, bringing back his Kwami. Tiny Plagg felt his friend's pain and hoped he would smile again. To this end he cleared his feline throat and started on a rather scratchy note.

"I wish that I could help you  
To assist your transformation—"

With each horrendous, deaf-tone lyric, Adrien felt he was pulled closer to heck. To keep his ears from bleeding, he needed to stop the creature from singing! Scrambling to find something to end his lament, he could only find a present. The latest Ape-Man had handed to him that night. Perhaps this could end his plight. Inside the package, wrapped with care, was a hand-stitched Santa hat, decorated with Christmas flair!

With quick quickness he stuffed the Kwami inside. The torture was now muffled to something he could abide. "I guess not all gifts are bad," Adrien admitted, a tad less sad. He even read the card, "Merry Christmas, From Marinette." Holy merde! For once she didn't forget.

 _Back at the Agreste Manor:_

Gabriel was feeling a whole lot better.

"No, please, snookums! See, I'm going to spend time with our son! No need for spookums!"

Snookums? Oh, I forgot, he thinks I'm his dead wife. Uh… This pleases me, sw… _sweetie_. I shall not spook but instead narrate your life. Ignore me! Okay, enough of that. Back to the story! Nathalie was absolutely correct, although her delivery was far from perfect. It was Christmas Eve for Astruc's sake! And with family does happiness one make. His gift of a golden hoverboard tucked under his arm, the man entered his son's room with fatherly charm.

"Adrien, I've canceled all my meetings just for you! Tell me, son, what would you like to… do…?" There was not a soul in sight, the room was barren, save for a window which was ominously left open.

"Mr. Agreste?" Nathalie stepped into the doorway, concerned by the lack of love from his offspring.

Gabriel's body quivered in anger, "SHUT! DOWN! EVERYTHING!"

All across Paree, an Amber Alert was sent. It appeared on everyone's phone, even the President. Police jumped into their cars with Roger on the communicator, "Remember, boys," he rubbed his gun, "shoot now, ask questions later."

 _In Marinette's house:_

"Ahh! You're back!"

A darkness grew from a young girl with hair that was blue. Her beloved had been kidnapped! Snatched! Taken!

"ADRIEN WAS WHAT?!"

And yet her Kwami seemed rather unshaken.

"Marinette..." Tikki warned, "I'm only supposed to be used if someone is akumatized."

"You're about to have one!" she snapped back, "Look into my eyes! I can't live in a world with Adrien gone! You're helping me whether you like it or not! Tikki, spots fucking on!"

 _Across the city:_

Adrien had nowhere to go—

"Hello again, Mr. Narrator."

When he stumbled across a street Santa being pummeled with snow. "I wanted the Google Pixel, not an iPhone 8!" whined the attacking child. Why, what an ungrateful ingrate.

Adrien ran to the Santa's rescue and presented the spoiled brat with a phone. The device was spectacular, voice activated and covered in rhinestone. "Here, have mine. I have no intention of calling home." The child appeased, Adrien turned to help the Santa off his knees.

"Ho ho ho, my boy," the Santa Claus took a deep gulp of his eggnog, "That was generous of you to get rid of those aslaug."

"...What?"

Santa flopped onto his sled with a thunk and belched, "Sorry, I'mma li'l drunk. Kinda the reason the wife left me. She took everything except this horse." He pointed to the animal pulling the sled with a touch of remorse.

Adrien gasped with zeal, "Mrs. Claus left you?!"

...Oh crap, he thinks this Santa is real.

"But you know what? Fuck her! I don't need a family or warmth or love! Just this Christmas liqueur!"

Adrien watched the homeless man drink himself under and realized he himself may have made a blunder. "Okay, I think I'm over being mad at father. I'm gonna go home," he said while adjusting Marinette's gift on his crome.

"An excellent idear!" Santa slurred. He pulled the boy into the sled, "I'll take you there and we can stop for some beer!" He blindly took Marinette's hat, "A gift for me? Ooh! Why, thank you, sonny!" With a whip to his reins, the sled took off faster than could be seen. This close to the man, Adrien thought he smelt of gasoline.

 _Near the public Christmas tree:_

Ladybug was as furious as can be.

"Finally! If you got all the important parts marked in that book or script or whatever you're reading, Mr. Narrator, then where is he?"

There was no update on Adrien's location.

"UGH!"

But here she found evidence that gave her hesitation. Remnants of something destroyed by Chat Noir's Cataclysm. Much too powerful to be random vandalism. And there was the letter meant for Adrien hidden in the grime. "Oh come on!" she exclaimed, "I actually remembered to sign it this time!"

A small black Akuma flew down, attracted to her frothy frown. At the last second, she swatted the insect away with a strong b-word, "Bitch! Get the hell outta here, Akuma! I'm sick of your merde!"

From the debris, she could only conclude a battle had been waged with Adrien somewhere in the middle. This was no time to sit around with her fingers in a twiddle. She swung away to solve this riddle.

 _At the Agreste Manor Gate:_

Adrien was quite worried that it had gotten so late. Santa had stopped at all the shops to clean out each shelf of their peppermint schnapps. Despite his behaviour, Adrien intended to invite the man in. After all, bringing the real Santa home would be a total win.

His finger pressed the doorbell and no sooner did DB-M-9K's eyestalk pop out with its digital viewer. "Adrien!" cried Gabriel's voice. With the doorbell's AI missing, he was manning the machine. He had no choice.

"Father, I'm so sorry," Adrien began to say, "But I'm home now and I brought the real Santa to save our Christmas Day!"

"Real Santa?" Gabriel questioned with a gawk. He gagged at the dressed up alcoholic, "Adrien, we need to have a talk."

"Step away from the villain!" ordered Ladybug, her yo-yo atwirl. Everyone turned to see the armed and dangerous supergirl. "He's clearly got an Akuma in him! Can't you see? Who else would dress so ridiculously?"

"Run! It's the red devil!" the poor intoxicated Santa was seeing double. Without much grace, he fell into his sled on his face and Ladybug was quick to give chase. Down the slick street the heroine pursued, all in the name of putting the bad guy away for good. She sent out her yo-yo with a flick and she did so right quick. Thread stronger than steel wrapped the jolly drunkard's belly and dragged him out so fast that his fat jiggled like a bowl full of jelly.

"Fight me, Akuma!" Ladybug demanded, keeping a safe distance from where he had landed.

Santa climbed to his feet, flexing his brawn and proceeded to do the technicolor yawn, "BLEEEEEEEEGGGGGHHHHHHHH!"

As the pile of bile grew increasingly with vile, the unfortunate youth realized an unmistakable truth.

"You're not akumatized, are you?" she asked when she thought he was through.

"Ya bastard, made me upchuck my booze!" he shouted, clearly not amused.

For once Ladybug felt regret, it was an emotion she had not experienced yet. "Whoops," she elegantly said and promptly fled. Sobering up quite a bit, Santa mounted his sled in a quite a fit. Without the numbing caress of drink in his system, a little black butterfly could hardly resist him.

It shattered upon his hat and crumbled into ashes and upon his face appeared fashionable neon pink butterfly sunglasses. "Dear Santa Claws," Hawkmoth appeared, a grin traced his jaw. "Kids these days don't appreciate what they got, am I right?" His was the kindest face Santa had seen all night. "I'll grant you the power to punish all the naughty girls 'n boys. In exchange, you deliver to me my own favorite toys."

Santa burped in agreement, oh what a shocker! He was transformed into a green-skinned, heavy metal rocker! His sled now capable of flight, he took off, his bellow full of might!

"LADYBUG!"

"...Fuck my life," the heroine's annoyance ran rife.

The newly formed villain hovered in the air, giving off hopelessness and despair.

"Here comes Santa Claws! Here comes Santa Claws, right down Santa Claws Lane!  
You'd better run, 'cause I've gotta gun and I've gone quite insane!  
Running, shooting, screaming, burning, killing everyone on sight!  
Hide your children and say your prayers 'cause Santa Claws is here tonight!"

He pulled a present from the blue and out flew a flock of bats with a boo!

Ladybug stared blankly as the winged rats flew past her and the sled sped away with the holiday monster. "He rhymes, too? Oh Astruc, that is gonna get so annoying." That's her opinion. I find it rather enjoying.

 _Meanwhile:_

Adrien was playing his pre-release title games—

"You want to be player two, Mr. Narrator?"

Thank you, but I'm only a disembodied spectator.

Anyway, Adrien was playing his pre-release title games with an air of gloom until a Christmas creature glided into his room. "Santa Claus!" he exclaimed at the man above, "I knew you were real!" Oh for the love of…

"Damn straight I'm real. Real evil!" the villain cackled. "I'll do you no harm, Adrien. I'm in your debt. You gave me a present and that I won't forget! You, on the other hand..." He pointed to Ape-Man who had a healthy pituitary gland.

"We've never met."

"I bet!" Another cursed gift was thrown, this time full of spiders! Seriously, who does that? Ape-Man escaped, running away on his tippy-toes like a well-trained acrobat. "Tonight, Adrien, I will avenge you! I'll avenge us two!" Santa Claws then left without even an adieu.

"He rhymes, too? Oh my Astruc, that's like ten times better than a pun!" Adrien knew this fight was going to be fun.

 _Later:_

Ladybug and Chat Noir raced across the rooftops, the former with far less enthusiasm, in pursuit of the devilish Santa Claws phantasm. "Why do we have to work holidays?" his lady demanded with a pester. "I swear, minimum wage cashiers get more time off than this city's protector!"

"Come now, LB," the feline hero smirked, "Is it really work when you're with me?"

"With you _and_ Mr. Narrator, it's more like worse than hell."

Their conversation was cut short when they found a familiar smell. The dreaded sled was just up ahead! Both leaped up, weapons drawn ready for the scrap when Chat Noir was blasted overboard with a missile of gift wrap. His lady quickly jumped after him—

"Nah, he's lived through worse."

Oh… uh, Ladybug shrugged, ready to make this sled into a hearse. The titans clashed in a way that wasn't used for comedy. My word, just look at that astounding fight choreography. With a well placed punch, the heroine was thrust over the edge. She saved her skin by lassoing a loose wedge. Dragged by the enemy across the sky, Ladybug was shocked to be grabbed onto by a familiar guy.

"Hey, I called it that you'd survive."

"Actually, I didn't. Now, I only have eight lives."

"...Wait, what—"

Before more could be said, the two were thrown into a spiral by the sled. So high into the sky, they probably could've seen Latvia, but instead they tumbled through the open window of Alya.

"Ladybug and Chat Noir just fell into my house! Hurry, say something for my blog!" However, Ladybug was not eager to start a dialogue.

While Chat Noir addressed the camera with smarm, she tosses her yo-yo with a frustrated, "Lucky Charm!" A box came back down, one covered in polkadots. Upon its appearance Ladybug devised a devious plot. "We'll trick him! Of course!" she announced with a smile most vicious, "Lure him in with a fake gift to close the distance!"

A sigh escaped Chat Noir's lips and he took her shoulders in a gentle grip, "Oh, my lady, don't you see? That's not what your charm is meant to be."

"Don't you dare starting rhyming!" she growled, her punching arm priming.

"It's Christmas Eve! The time of hope and family! This simple box is not for a trick, but a chance for us to be Saint Nick."

"I swear to Astruc, you rhyme one more time, the number of lives you got left will go down to seven." Oh my, she seems rather driven.

"Trust me, Bugaboo, this is precisely what we must—" she cracked her knuckles, " _accomplish_ …?"

"Ugh! You really think we're gonna beat this maniac with tender love and care?"

He nodded with as much boyish enthusiasm he could bare.

Ladybug considered his proposal. If it failed, she could always grind his tail down the garbage disposal. "Good point, Mr. Narrator. Fine, we'll do it your way." Chat let out a hooray. It was surely a happy day. If they saw this plan through, then love would surely work!

 _It didn't:_

"FUCK YOU!" Ladybug's screech echoed from atop the Eiffel tower where Chat's plan had gone horribly sour. The two heroes hung, wrapped in ribbon. Before them laughed the bearded villain.

"Giving me a gift to melt my heart? Ho ho ho! Where do I start? I'M EVIL! Did you really believe I would fall for your ruse?" He raised a detonation fuse, "As soon as I set this aflame, it will be the end of our little reindeer game."

"Kill us?" Chat cried. The very idea was blasphemous, "Aren't you just gonna take our Miraculous?"

"Heavens, you're right! Oh dear!... Bah! I can still take them when you're nothing but a smear." The fanged foe lit his match and started the doom of his catch. There was nothing that could be done for our duo, surely they'd be blown to Pluto!

"LB, we gotta do something!" Chat didn't want to be death's plaything. His lady furrowed her brow and set her mind to work. They had little time for—

"ORANGE!"

…

"...My lady, what are you—"

"Orange! Orange-Orange-Orange! HA! Just as I— Orange— thought. Look! The— Orange— fuse isn't burning! It can't burn without his narration! Orange! And he can't— Orange— narrate if he can't rhyme! Orange!"

Th-th-the path she had to forage—

"There's no 'N' in 'forage'! Orange!"

Foreign? That doesn't work! Let's see, porridge, door-hinge, score bench, Mormon, chorus, swordfish— GAAAHHH! Twas-twas-twas-twas the night before— Kkkkilkenny, who never had more than a penny— the musical fruitttt. The more you eat, the mmmmmore— 01000100 01000010 00101101 01001101 00101101 00111001 01001011 0010000001101100 01101001 01110110 01100101 01110011—

"..."

"..."

"Mr. Narrator? Hello? I think you broke him."

"If only I could do the same to you. Orange."

"Aww, but, LB, puns may be bad, but poetry is _verse_."

"We are tied together, however, I will find a way to kick you right in the oranges."

"Ho ho ho, this is cause for concern. Why won't this blasted thing burn?"

"Speaking of which, we tried it your way. Now, we do it my way. Orange!"

"By my Christmas tree, you two have broken free!"

"And now you get the gift that keeps on giving! My fists! ORANGE!"

"Oof! Guhl! Hkk! Blegh!"

"Time to end this. Any last words? Orange!"

"My lady, wait. Look around us."

"At what? I'm kinda busy here. Orange!"

"The snow isn't falling anymore, it's… it's just floating. The cars below are just standing in the middle of the road. The entire city has… frozen."

"Alright, Jolly Green Giant, what the fuck did you do? Orange!"

"You, uh, already knocked him out. I don't think it was him, LB. I think… it's because you broke Mr. Narrator."

"Oh sure, blame me! I do everyone a favor by getting rid of the annoying blabbermouth ghost and suddenly I'm the bad guy! Orange!"

"He might have been a little annoying, but he was only here to spread the Christmas cheer."

"...It moved."

"Huh?"

"You rhymed, I got even more pissed, and that snowflake right there moved a little."

"..."

"..."

"Um, down came the Christmas Eve snow, adding to the sparkling city's glow…? Oh! It's working! Everything's moving again! Oh no! It stopped! I need to keep it going. Uh, uh, Chat Noir turned to his lady, who… was as beautiful as the goddess Venus. She was suddenly overcome with the desire to ride my pen—"

"Finish that rhyme and I will cut you! Get your mind out of the gutter for once and narrate us out of here."

"As you wish. Just then though, a bell began to toll. Twelve times it rang, shaking body and soul. 'Midnight! It's officially Christmas!' cheered Chat."

"Joy..."

"Ladybug watched with a powerfully sexy grimace. With a mighty crack, the stars split open!"

"WHAT?! Whoa! Chat, stop! What are you doing?!"

"And from the ethereal portal another sled rode in! Reins in his hand keeping his reindeer from slowin' twas the real Santa Claus!"

"Wait, what, really? This is the direction you're going?"

"Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas, one and all! I've come to deliver gifts to the big and the small!"

"He surveyed the scene and scratched his scruff."

"Oh, what do we have here?"

"He quickly put out the now burning fuse with a snuff."

"One of my helpers has gone evil? That's no good, you're supposed to be peaceful."

"Evil Santa Claws jumped awake and scrambled to save his flank."

"Now how did that fuse get lit? Santa, you have my thanks, but you misunderstand. I'm not evil. These are harmless pranks."

"Pranks?! You tried to kill us!"

"Details."

"Okay, that's it. Shut up, Chat, it's my turn. Santa Claws shrugged, acting all haughty before a blade of mistletoe pierced his body!"

"AGGHH!"

"His slayer, the real Chris Kringle, leaned close and whispered one word, 'Naughty.' He pressed the sharp branch, it was quite prickly, and it ran through the villain's chest."

"Wow, that escalated quickly. Um, and with the villain at last spurned, the much loved Mr. Narrator returned."

I'm back, baby!

 _One Body Disposal Later:_

The heroes stood before their jolly savior. His cheeks glistened with a hint of rose that made you just want to wiggle your toes. His bag of gifts was bursting at the seams with toys meant for the—

"Tone it down," warned my polkadotted murderess.

Apologies, I'm a touch excited about no longer being mauled by Cerberus.

"Glad I could help you two," said Santa. "Now, I must be off. I have much to do."

"Wait, Santa!" begged Chat on bended knee. "For Christmas, can you bring my mom back? Please, for me?"

A heavy breath escaped the man's beard, "I'm so sorry, son." Twas as Chat feared. "Her fate is decided by Astruc. There's nothing that can be done."

Ladybug blew her bangs out of her face with a scoff, "I already beat that flower-hair's butt once. He ain't so tough."

"And you, young lady," Santa turned to her, "I bet my best belts, that for Christmas you wish Ladybug were anybody else."

"...You can do that?"

"If you weren't naughty this year, I might have," he stroked his mistletoe weapon, "For now, you'll have to settle for a _story_ where you're freed of this affliction."

Ladybug's eye twitched at the thin stack of paper, "FANFICTION?!"

Please, there's no reason to hate. It's well written and called 'In the Hand of Fate.' Available to read on Project ML and and this site here. If you haven't checked out my other works, I recommend—

"ORANGE!"

 _Later, at the Agreste Manor:_

"What have I always told you?" Gabriel asked in a tone that said any jokes would not do.

Adrien sighed and held back his Chat Noir sass, "Don't associate with anyone below middle class."

"Oh! Middle class?" Nathalie clarified. This was going to be a hard sell. "I may have already made a few calls and—" she was interrupted by the doorbell. On their ivory doorstep had gathered all of Adrien's classmates. Gabriel seriously questioned how they got past the reinforced gates. Nathalie avoided her boss' glare with a hum, "I told them Adrien was found and they took that as invitation to come."

"Release the hounds."

OooOooh! Sweetie, this is your wife from beyond! Let our boy's friends in or with your soul I shall abscond!

"No! Have mercy! Nathalie, let them in quickly!"

With joyous singing, the doors were opened and the true Christmas was beginning. Presents were exchanged, mostly gift cards and cash. Marinette even got enough for a new Mario disguise mustache.

As the crowd gathered around the grand dinner table, Gabriel pulled Nathalie aside as far as he was able.

"Nathalie, about Valentine's Day last week," he started.

"I already told you, sir, the arrow made me hate you," she spoke rather half-hearted.

"It was my understanding the arrows make one hate only what they love."

Silence reigned between the two cold statues until they looked up above. There, inches away, hanged the homeless Santa, but their attention was on what hanged from his body: _mistletoe_.

"No! No, no, no, no, no, no, no!" Nathalie screamed down the hall.

It went unheard as the holiday intruders sang, "Merry Christmas, to all!"

And to end our little festive tale, let us hear from Santa Claus who floated on a winter gale. "I have been brought into the world by Chat Noir's innocence, but I have also been moralized and weaponized by Ladybug's violence." The jolly man sharpened his mistletoe into a lancing pole, "Ho ho ho, beware, girls 'n boys, next year the naughty won't only be getting coal."

END


	17. 11 Democalypse 2018

SERIOUS QUESTION: P-A-T-R-E-O-N. Commissions. How do those sound to you, dear readers? My fanfics will always be free to read, but if you're willing to chip in a buck or two, let me know and I'll set it up.

 _Okay, script sent off to Nickelodeon, and the judge's children are securely locked in my basement._

 _Keeping my fingers crossed!_

* * *

 _PROLOGUE_

 _I had found it... tucked on the corner of a narrow yet busy street... at the heart of this beautiful city... Zagtoons Paris..._

 _My legs trembled as I gazed longingly at the ornate green door, its oddly shaped brass handles glistened in the daylight. I had the address from the start. 78 Rue de Provence. It was publicly listed on the Zagtoon's website. However, after I had gotten lost that one time, I had developed a fear of Paris' rather maze-like roadmapping and that had kept me at bay for months._

 _No more..._

 _There would no more obstacles. I had faced my fears and now I was here at Astruc's workplace. It was time to ask him the question._

 _I grasped the brass firmly and pulled. It didn't budge. I pushed. Nothing._ _I had not considered a locked door._

 _"No matter," I said to my new enemy. "You are but wood, door. And wood_ breaks _." I scanned the street around me. A shopper parked their moped on the curb. "Too weak." The empty car next to me still had the keys in the ignition. "Too boring." The construction worker across the sidewalk decided right then to go on break and left their_ jackhammer _unattended. "Perfect..."_

 _The pneumatic drill weighed heavily in my arms. I revved the electric motor, enjoying the power coursing through my veins._

 _BZZT! Somehow a mechanical buzz caught my attention over the roaring murder machine and I looked back at Zagtoons. A french mailman was happily waiting by the green door. "Courrier!" they said into the callbox. There was another buzz and the door popped open. Quick as a cheetah but quiet as a mouse, I dropped the jackhammer and dove through the doorway before it shut._

 _I was inside Zagtoons. My heart raced as I took in my surroundings, keeping several paces behind the agonizingly slow mailman. The walls were decorated with original sketches of characters from various shows and comics. Amongst them, Ladybug and Chat Noir stood prominently towards the center the cartoons. I found myself simply staring at my heroes in awe, unable to continue._

 _"Bounjour, Francois," a man's voice greeted down the hall._

 _The mailman happily answered, "Aha! I did not know you were back in Paris, Monsieur Zag."_

 _My spine audibly popped as my neck snapped towards the conversation. It was him! The one who saw the genius in Astruc! Without him the show wouldn't exist! He saw me._

 _"Oh! You must be here for zee interview!" Jeremy Zag, producer of Miraculous: The Tales of Ladybug and Chat Noir, co-founder of Zagtoon Animations, and far too attractive of a man approached me with a wide smile and a warm handshake._

 _"Hunka hunka dreamboat," I drooled a little._

 _"I am sorry?"_

 _"I mean, I am here for whatever you said. I did not break in! You broke into my heart! What? Is it hot in here?"_

 _"Wonderful, step into my office! Come!" I followed the french god without a fight and sat across from him at his desk. "Now, I am sure you brought a resume..."_

 _"Uh..." I began to sweat._

 _"But zhere is no need. We do not do zhat sort of zhing here." I inwardly sighed in relief. "Rather, we prefer to judge candidates based on whezher we like zheir personality, zheir humor. Would we be happy working togezher?"_

 _"We'd be so happy together," I moaned before I could stop myself._

 _"Hahaha!" His laughter was like a dancing, bubbling brook. "Zhat is what I like to hear! Jokes! I agree, you have such an energy about you! I love it!"_

 _"I love you too," this time I made certain to cover my treacherous mouth and it seemed Zag didn't hear me._

 _"It is unorthodox to decide so quickly, but I zhink you are perfect," Zag inspected me carefully with his gorgeous, sparkling eyes, his manicured hands rubbed his chiseled, Herculean jaw in thought. Suddenly, he clapped his hands, "I know! Thomas!"_

 _My body went cold as the footsteps quickly approached. The beard appeared and I could not take my eyes off it. I had found him... After all this time... I was in the same room as Thomas Astruc. The man listened to whatever Zag's question was and then he turned his sights on me. I couldn't move. I couldn't speak. Was I even breathing? Oh no, I might actually be dying. That would be a problem._

 _"What do you say, Thomas? Is he our guy?" Zag asked._

 _Thomas Astruc shrugged, "He'll do."_

 _I gasped._

 _"It is settled!" Zag cried for joy and shook my hand again. "Welcome to Zag Animation, Monsieur...?"_

 _"Big!"_

 _"Ah, Big, lovely name. Will you be needing two weeks before you can start?"_

 _"No!" I said. Screw McDonald's! They got plenty of illegal Americans to choose from! How many cashiers can say they now work for Zagtoons? "I can start immediately!"_

 _"Zhat is wonderful! Come! I will show you to your new office!"_

 _Eagerly, I followed Zag into the hall, giving one last look back at Thomas Astruc... my_ new co-worker! _I kept close to Zag, listening carefully to his instructions on my work hours, where to log my shift, my vacation days and benefits. On the inside, I was on the verge of a complete freakout! This was the greatest thing to ever happen to me! Not only was I now working on my favorite show! I was also working with Thomas Astruc every day! Asking him about the 'Mr. Pigeon' episode would be a breeze!_

 _"If you have any questions, Monsieur Big, my office is but around zee corner. Yours is here." He motioned to a varnished door. With barely contained tears of pride, I grasped the knob and entered my office._

 _I stepped right into a bucket full of dirty water._

 _"Ooh! Careful!" warned Zag. "Zhat always gets in zee way. Zhank you again for starting so quickly, Monsieur Big. Glad to have you." Zag gave a perfect smile and left me staring at my office. The room wasn't big enough for two people to stand in. The rough walls were lined with shelves of detergents and chemicals. A deep sink stood in the back, filled to the brim with used rags. Next to the bucket that was soaking my pants was a crusty mop._

 _"I'm the janitor. Fuck"_

 _...TO BE CONTINUED..._

* * *

 **Miraculous Headache  
** _Chapter 11: Democalypse 2018  
_ By I Write Big

Throughout human history, mankind has experimented in various ways of governing. From the kings and peasants of the feudal system to the hard bought votes of democracy, how a people chooses their leaders has defined nations across time.

"We had an election?" a random citizen asked the camera.

Ace News Reporter Nadia Chamack nodded and continued the street interview, pressing the microphone to the person's mouth, "Yes, did you not vote?"

"Wait, hold on, who was running and for what?"

A crowd had gathered around the news reporter. They all seemed to be just as confused as the man she was trying to get an opinion out of, "It was between the local fencing-school teacher Mr. D'Argencourt and the current Mayor Bourgeois." Every single jaw around her, at the same time, dropped into a dumbfounded gape.

"WE HAVE A MAYOR?!" a random voice echoed from the back as the crowd turned into a mob.

"You're telling me we've had someone running things this whole time and we _still_ had to deal with these Akumas?!" questioned one.

"Clearly, he's not doing a good job!" concluded another.

"I say, we vote him out of office!" roared a third.

Mrs. Chamack cleared her throat, "But the election was yesterday."

"Then we impeach him! The French way! Public beheading via guillotine!" The rest cheered in agreement, "Vive La Revolution!" and stomped away to do just that, while waving torches and baguettes on pitchforks.

Mrs. Chamack blinked at their departure and addressed the camera, "Well, it seems the latest French Revolution has broken out in downtown Paris today. We'll bring you live coverage as this story develops."

Tikki turned her bored expression from the TV news report that showed yet another example of why humans should _not_ be in charge and settled her malformed eyes on Marinette as she hastily tightened screws and springs on her latest contraption. Over the years of misery, Marinette had taught herself how to work tools and design machinery that she often employed to better secure her room from collapse. Today, though, she had put her skills into constructing a cute, little, pink box. It was an oddly shaped half-circle box. Lying next to it was a cute, little, pink book, also oddly shaped in a half-circle.

Tikki put two and two together and sighed, "What's in the book?"

"Oh, that? That's just my diary. You know, a little journal where I can write down my hopes and dreams and every single one of my secretssssssssss..." That last S was held unusually long as the unsettling, tiny kwami floated directly in front of her nose.

"Secrets?" Tikki growled.

"...Yes."

"Including that you're Ladybug?"

"...Uh—"

"I'm burning your diary," she spun around and spat a fireball at the book.

"Please no!" Marinette pulled the precious tome from the flame's reach and gripped it to her chest, "If a girl can't at least _write down_ her deepest, darkest, potentially life-ending secrets for the rest of the world to possibly steal and read, she will literally go insane!"

"You are insane," Tikki reminded with the sweetest of smiles. "Don't you remember? I don't really exist and there's no such hero as Ladybug. This is all just a figment of your imagination you created to distract yourself from how normal, boring and safe your life actually is."

"...Really?" asked Marinette with genuine hope.

"Nope," the kwami stated plainly.

Marinette stared back, unable to respond.

"You were saying something about me not burning your pointless diary?"

The girl snapped out of her stupor and held up the box she had been working on, "See, I made this burglar-proof safe, just for my diary." She dropped the book in the box. "Go ahead, Tikki, try to steal it."

The kwami's eyes narrowed as she floated into the box and placed one nubby arm on the book. Instantly, a device activated and the box snapped shut. Marinette waited in fear as the unholy abomination floated through the box… and smiled.

"Okay, Marinette, you can keep your diary."

Marinette gasped with joy.

Tikki rubbed her nubs together in a menacing manner, "As long as I can make a few _modifications_ to the box."

The dark undertone in Tikki's voice made Marinette shiver but she quickly nodded. And then she noticed the clock, "Merde! I'm late for school! Again!"

* * *

 _Later at School:_

"Other than Chloe, do we have any other candidates for class rep?" Miss Bustier asked the rest of the students. Nobody answered. "Oh, there has to be somebody. How about this, if any of you boys win, I'll give you a... _special dance_ at your inauguration party." She gave a seductive wink.

The wink had the desired effect as an entranced Kim slowly raised his hand, only for it to be shot back down by Chloe's ugly scowl.

Miss Bustier sexily sighed at the prospect of an 8th straight year of having Chloe in charge, "I guess if there's nobody else, then, with Sabrina as her deputy, this year's class rep is, once again, Chl—"

"Stop!" a frantic Marinette burst through the door, "I'm here! I'm here!"

"Marinette!" Miss Bustier purred, "Such enthusiasm for the democratic process. Okay, students, your candidates for class rep are Chloe and Marinette."

Marinette tilted her head to the side in confusion, "Wait, what?"

 _Later:_

Marinette was pulling her blue hair out at the crazy idea of possibly being elected. Why did this universe keep throwing her into roles she didn't want? She couldn't handle the responsibility! She barely had a life as it is since most of it was taken up being Ladybug! The only solution was to convince someone else to run.

"Kim!" she jumped in front of the tall athlete, "Why don't you go for the job?"

"I would, but Chloe threatened to tell everyone that I'm afraid of spiders."

Marinette's wrench wound pulsed, " _Everyone's_ afraid of spiders!"

"You didn't let me finish. I'm afraid of spiders who are secretly laying eggs in our food so that we incubate their young in our bodies. One day, they'll hatch and most of humanity will be replaced by giant, horrific, man-eating, eight-legged freaks!" he explained. "That's why I'm a vegan."

"That makes... complete sense. You do that," Marinette nodded and ran from the disturbed boy.

Next she tried Rose.

"Chloe said if I ran, she'd kick me out of the scrap-sideways sign making club. And I don't like being kicked," the bubbly girl whined.

Marinette looked to Juleka for translation. "She means scrap _booking_ ," the dark, depressed girl held up a history book that had been chopped up into a wreath of frowning gingerbread men.

It soon became obvious that no one wanted to go toe to toe with Chloe. Even the time-traveling Alix had her hang-ups, "Sorry, Marinette," the skater shook her head, "but if you've been BLAMming around time as much as me, you'd know French politicians don't exactly have a record of keeping their heads attached to their shoulders."

 _Even later than the previous later:_

Marinette now groveled on a school bench with an excited Alya. "I can't believe I've never done an Election Blog before! This is going to be so awesome! I'm gonna reblog every soul-crushing lie Chloe tweets about you. So, what's your platform? Are you anti-immigration or pro-transfer students?"

"Um…" Marinette wondered how those were related before a group of her classmates gathered around her.

"Marinette, if we vote for you, can we get adorable emotional support bunnies in class?" asked Rose.

Marinette struggled to come up with a good answer, "I don't—"

"Would you be totally cool with me transforming the stupid, boring library into a kickass dance club?" inquired Nino.

"That might be—"

"Can someone else be Rose's designated babysitter?" a glint of hope sparkled in Juleka's dead eyes.

That last one struck her, "Babysitter? Wait, I thought you two were friends—"

"Adrien!" Alya waved to the boy as he made his way out of the school, "You're voting for Marinette, right?"

The blonde thought for a moment, "Hmm, Father always says the rich have to stick together. I suppose I'll have to wait and see Marinette's tax returns first. If she has more offshore accounts than Chloe, then absolutely."

That glowing potential endorsement brought courage to Marinette's heart. Maybe… she could win!

A couple feet away, Chloe and Sabrina were going over their political strategy. "Alright, Uncle Donald says he can't _legally_ give out of the phone numbers of Russian foreign dignitaries so he just sent me over his 'Election Basics.' Let's see… pander… promise everything, give nothing… Ah! Here it is! Getting dirt on your opponent! Sabrina, you're up!"

"Yay! I love getting trampled into dirt!" Sabrina drooled a little in anticipation.

"Not that kind of dirt, you idiot," Chloe scoffed before stroking her ' _friend's_ ' chin, "but we can do that afterwards."

* * *

 _Later in Marinette's room:_

The bluenette was hard at work, writing down every one of her classmates' ridiculous demands in her diary.

"You know, as class rep you basically have no power," reminded Tikki. "Every single adult in that school outranks you."

"That's not the point, Tikki," Marinette argued as she added more notes to her speech, "this is to show that democracy is about letting the people choose who is best for them and that you can't win through simply being a rich bully who does nothing but insult others and claim they're the greatest person who ever lived."

Tikki narrowed her eyes at her, "I can't tell if you're serious or just plain stupid."

Then her phone rang. "Girl!" a distressed Alya yelled through the video chat. "Chloe is hosting an autograph session with Jagged Stone! She's totally buying everyone's vote!" In the background, she could make out the rockstar under a banner that said, 'Vote for Chloe! She's rich! And the greatest person to ever live, you losers!'

Marinette ignored the 'I told you so' look Tikki was giving her, locked her diary tight and sped out the door to stop this disaster. Tikki waited a couple seconds before unlocking the diary box, leaving the book completely exposed. With a delighted cackle, the kwami flew after the girl.

Marinette dashed out of the bakery, heading straight for City Hall. Seconds later, Sabrina rounded the corner and watched her leave with a conniving grin. "She took the bait," the redhead whispered into her phone, "I'm going in."

The bakery was in the middle of lunch rush and with a husband behind bars, busy Sabine gave little thought to the unhinged girl who claimed to be one of Marinette's ' _frieeeeeeeeeeennnnnnnnnnnds_ ' there to grab a book she had borrowed and sent her upstairs. In enemy territory, Sabrina began sniffing around for any potential humiliation material. There wasn't much. The room resembled most others. Even Marinette's Adrien shrine was disappointingly small. Sabrina's Chloe shrine was three times bigger.

"Let's see… Ooh!" her sights landed on the unguarded diary, waiting in the open. "Her diary! Perfect!"

Sabrina reached in. As soon as her fingers touched the book, she heard a gear spin and the box snapped shut like a mousetrap.

"What the fuck?!" Sabrina screamed. She desperately pulled but her hand was trapped! The tiny opening tightly held onto her wrist like one of Chloe's fuzzy handcuffs. She whipped the box to and fro in an attempt to bash it open, however the little thing was too tough.

And then steel bars dropped across the windows and doors! The lights dimmed and the blinds shut! Out of the darkness shined Marinette's computer which showed only static. Pre-recorded, inhuman laughter came from the monitor's speakers and through the static appeared the bulbous, slimy head of a polka-dotted Voldemort.

"Hello, Sabrina. I wanna play a game," the disfigured face said in a scratchy, deep voice. "For years, you have done everything possible to make your mistress happy. Now, you must decide if her happiness is worth your life." Sabrina trembled under the visage's demonic blue eyes. "I will give you two keys, both will grant you freedom but only one will give you the diary. The other… will allow you to _KEEP YOUR HAND!_ " From the ceiling dropped two items, each strung on strands of rusty barbed wire. One was a simple key, the other was a bloody _hacksaw_! Sabrina's throat went dry as she looked back and forth between the serrated metal and her trapped appendage.

"The diary or your arm. Make your choice."

* * *

 _Meanwhile at Fencing Class:_

Adrien's teacher left himself wide open, so the boy charged blade first. At the last second, Mr. D'Argencourt spun around, caught Adrien's hilt and flipped the boy on his back. "Wow, Mr. D'Argencourt, that was amazing."

"Verily, my boy," the mustachioed muchacho struck a victorious pose, "Twas a maneuver conceivethed by my own person many moons ago when I waseth knowneth aseth Darkblade...eth."

Adrien repeated the sentence in his head, again having a hard time understanding the odd way his teacher spoke. "Darkblade? Was that your fencing league nickname? Nino says nicknames are a way for middle class people to poke fun at each other, which is why he calls me Meal Ticket."

"Nay," D'Argencourt shook his head, suddenly growing somber, "In the days of yore, twas onceth my moniker when I waseth feared across the land in centuries pasteth. None could besteth my swordplay and I ruled Paris witheth an iron fist." He tightened his hold on his sword, "Until a wealthy French nobleman paideth the common peasants to stage a coup and claimethed my throne for himselfeth. Before I could taketh it back, a pink-haired wizard with a contraption she calledeth a 'pocket watch' banishedeth me to your time. And here I remaineth. Powerless...eth"

"Wow," Adrien whispered, "Is this LARPing? Max told me about LARPing and it sounded a lot like this."

D'Argencourt continued, "My efforts were pressethed towards regainingeth my title through your time's 'democratic process.' Alas, even though promises of oppression, fear and witch burning has yet to fall out of favor witheth the commoners, I still lost."

"Do you think that's why you lost, because you were honest with the horrible things you wanted to do instead of promising super-expensive beneficial things that could never happen?" Chamack and her cameraman suddenly appeared behind him, putting the out-of-time man on the spot.

"Wretched, fear mongering, knaves!" he snooted at the reporter, "In my time, villains such as thee would be-eth drawn, quartered, and fedeth to the dogs!"

"Hey!" a mop wielding Fred Haprele ran down the stairs towards the group, "How did you get on school grounds?"

Not wanting to get into a scandal of her own, Chamack and her cameraman fled.

"And don't come back!" Fred waved his mop at the retreating pair and then placed a brave hand on D'Argencourt's shoulder, "Don't worry, buddy, the highly trained school assistant/security took care of the problem."

"Do not toucheth me, loser."

Fred fell to the ground, crying again.

 _Meanwhile:_

In a tower hidden somewhere in Paris, a great spiral window opened, illuminating absolutely nothing. After a couple seconds of silence, a floor panel thumped upwards with a muffled shout, "OW!" Several gloved fingers pried the edging of the panel and pushed it to the side, allowing the haunting figure of a man rubbing his head in pain to climb out.

"Note to self, get Nathalie to order a new supervillain elevator-tube." He slapped on an ice pack decorated with butterfly stickers and sent off one of his dark insects.

It found D'Argencourt, chopping a Bourgeois campaign poster and landed on his sword. A pair of fashionably neon-pink butterfly-themed sunglasses appeared on his face and he saw a charming masked man. "So, trusting the people to choose the right leader didn't work out. You got two options, work with the Mayor you have to make a society that everyone can live in..."

"Never in a million yearseth!" shouted D'Argencourt.

"Or you can go all Game of Thrones on their asses! Whatcha say?"

D'Argencourt saluted, "Verily." He was swallowed up by bubbling darkness. When it cleared, he had become a black-armored, medieval knight! The villain raised his longsword and fired freaking medieval lasers at the nearby Chamack and cameraman. Once struck, the two kneeled before him. He knighted them both with his sword and they reformed into additional armored knights armed with great poleaxes!

"Oh no!" cried Adrien from the school door, "Max warned me about this! The LARPing has become too real! Now, they'll take to the public parks and construct cardboard castles!"

Plagg spared an exhausted glance from Adrien's shirt pocket, "Naw, man, that's just an Akuma."

"Oh, thank Astruc," Adrien let out a breath of relief and ran inside to transform into Chat Noir.

Meanwhile, Darkblade quickly added Ape-man to his ranks and marched into the streets only to find a crowd of angry rioters. It seemed they were just as pissed with the Mayor as he was and eagerly volunteered to join his army. Soon his numbers surged to nearly a hundred. The commander looked over his legion, each and every one ready to die for his cause.

"Let us to battle, knights! Downeth witheth thee Mayoreth!" he proclaimed. Their battle cry shook the foundation of the city! The pounding of their poleaxes against cobblestone was felt across the land!

"Yeah! Let's take down the Mayor! Woo!" Fred Haprele eagerly jumped to Darkblade's side. "Look at you guys! Kickass knights with weapons and armor! You know what, I'm totally onboard with this whole take down democracy thing. Knight me up, baby!" He kneeled before Darkblade with the widest, childish grin.

"Fucketh off, loser," Darkblade dissed and left poor Fred on his knees looking like an idiot. Every knight wordlessly took a picture.

 _Meanwhile at City Hall:_

Marinette rushed into the public building, its grand doorway was flanked with giant posters of Jagged Stone. She gawked at the real legendary rockstar sitting at the front of a line made up of her class. Mayor Bourgeois waved to them all, "Welcome to the official opening of my daughter Chloe's electoral campaign!" He looked down and was surprised no one was beside him, "Chloe?"

The bitch was in the corner, yelling into her phone, "Sabrina! Come in! Do you have the diary? What the hell is going on?"

The static briefly cleared to show a bloodstained Sabrina halfway done sawing through her arm, "Friendship!" the redhead proclaimed before the line went dead.

"Chloe!" called her father and pulled her back to the table. "As I was saying, the start of Chloe's electoral campaign, which is officially endorsed by Jagged Stone!"

After the applause, Jagged Stone cleared his throat and addressed the children, "For those of you still in school, 'endorsed' is a political term that usually means I believe in the candidate and have put my entire support behind them. However, in this case it means her father gave me a lot of money. Which, for some bloody absurd reason, is supposed to earn your vote. Now, I've never met this girl before today, but I do hold a dual major in Communications and Political Science, so you can call it an expert opinion when I say that in the short time that I've known Chloe I've come to the conclusion that I hate her and she would _not_ be fit to hold _any office_ in _any country_. Period."

After a moment, the class erupted in fangirlish screams at the sound of his beyond sexy British accent.

"Ugh, I hate stupid kids," groaned the rockstar, "Alright, you wankers, come on up for your fucking autographs."

One by one, the children got a signed CD of his newest album. Among the first was Alya who was immediately accosted by Marinette. "Traitor!" she accused the bespectacled girl.

"Hey whoa!" Alya defended herself, "I'm just taking the free stuff, that doesn't mean I'm voting for her."

"And remember," Chloe sang, "everybody who votes for me gets a free ticket to Jagged's next concert!"

The class cheered and began chanting Chloe's name.

"Okay, now I might vote for her," Alya admitted.

As Chloe watched her pathetic classmates eat out of the palm of her hand, a pale Sabrina suddenly came to her side. "Finally! What took you? You better have her diary!"

Sabrina hid her arms behind her back in embarrassment, "I tried, I really did, but the hacksaw broke before I could get through the bone." She pulled out her hands to reveal one had a hacksaw snapped in half and the other was trapped in a pink box. The trapped arm's skin was chopped down to an _exposed, chipped white forearm bone_!

"You and your excuses!" Chloe scoffed, "Why do I even bother?"

She stomped towards Marinette who was pleading with the class, "You guys know you're being bribed, right?"

"Absolutely, dude, it's shallow as hell and totally not cool… but we'll probably vote for Chloe anyway," Nino shrugged. "You should totally keep trying to beat her so she'll give us more cool free stuff. This signed album alone will get me 500 Euros on ebay."

Marinette was beginning to feel hopeless when Chloe abruptly dragged her to a far corner of the hall. There she saw Sabrina lying in a pool of her own blood! "Holy merde! What happened?! We need to get her to a hospital!"

"I'd like that," Sabrina whimpered, the room suddenly feeling colder.

"Are you sure?" smirked Chloe, "We go there and the doctor's will have to cut open the box to your _diary!_ "

Marinette went still as she felt her purse quake and the cold aura expand from the bag into her thigh, "You don't wanna do that..."

"Ha! More like you don't want everyone to know your most embarrassing secrets," Chloe rolled her eyes.

Her opponent suddenly grabbed her by the shoulders and shouted, "No, you don't understand, Chloe! I'm trying to save your soul—"

A great fanfare of warhorns blasted their deep notes through the air. The class opened the front doors to find an army of knights standing at the steps in rank. A flag bearer announced, "Oh ye, Oh ye! Thee great and honorable Darkblade requesteth an audience!"

Darkblade pointed his namesake at the building and demanded, "Surrendereth, Bourgeois! Lest I cut thine many chins from thine neck!"

"Huh?" asked the completely lost Mayor.

Alya rubbed her chin, "I think he called you fat."

Marinette's eye twitched, "Do those Akumas have… _actual_ weapons?! THAT'S NOT FAIR! How come I never get actual weapons? I-I-I mean, how come _Ladybug_ never gets actual weapons," she quickly corrected herself in case anyone was listening.

They quickly slammed the door shut before several arrows embedded themselves into the wood. As the knights charged the gates, a battle staff twirled through their numbers, knocking many off their feet. Chat Noir landed between the invaders and City Hall, "Fear not, citizens, it is I, your hero and savior Chat Noir!" He flexed in case there were any cameras around.

Alya scanned the scene with her phone and told the class, "Bad news, guys. Ladybug isn't here yet. There's no way her sidekick can hold them all off on his own. We may need to help him."

"What? Come on, Alya." Marinette shrugged off the suggestion. "Chat doesn't suck that much. We should give him a chance. I'm sure he'll do fine." She then joyfully grinned as Chat Noir was dogpiled by several tons of iron-armor clad knights. "Crush him! I wanna see Chat pancakes," she pressed her nose flat against the window to get a better look.

Rose ran to the front desk and desperately asked, "Chloe, what should we do? What would a class rep do?"

Chloe poked her eyes up from under the desk where she had been bravely hiding and said, "I'm sorry, but I'm a little busy at the moment. Leave your name and stupid concerns with my secretary." She tossed a white as a ghost and barely clinging to life Sabrina onto the desk and went back to hiding.

"Hi there, can I make an appointment with Chloe?" Rose happily asked the almost corpse.

Outside, Marinette could see Chat getting his feline ass handed to him repeatedly. As fun as this was to watch, she knew that if she did nothing, then her classmates would be next… and then she'd never get elected! It is said that leaders are born in times of great desperation. Maybe she couldn't buy everyone's vote, but she could sure as hell save their stupid lives!

"Listen up!" Marinette hopped onto the staircase, getting everyone's attention. "Grab anything large and heavy and prop it against the door. Make it harder for them to get in. Move!" The scared children rushed to obey her command. Marinette to turned to the Mayor, "Sir, as an elected official, you have access to a state issued nuclear bomb shelter, don't you? Once that door is secured, get everyone in there!"

"Oh boy!" the Mayor clapped, "That's where we keep the crepe cafe."

Within minutes Marinette was the only one left in the main hall. The front door was blocked by a mountain of Jagged Stone merchandise. Every few seconds, the pile would shift as the army struck with Chat Noir who they were now using as a battering ram. Taking a moment to appreciate his torture a couple seconds longer, Marinette said, "Tikki, spots on!" and in a flourish of red, transformed into Ladybug.

Outside, after another headbutt to the door, a delirious Chat Noir spied a little red yo-yo and quickly grabbed hold. He was hoisted up to the second floor window, "There was no bugaboo, Need," he tried to give a confident smile to the three spinning Ladybug's he saw, "Ropes I had on them. I had a pun for this..." He then fell over like a tree.

"Yeah, you go to sleep. That's good for concussions."

Darkblade assessed the situation, "They haveth secured the gates! We shall striketh from aboveth!" He then knighted a nearby car, "I dubeth thee Sir Acura!" The vehicle morphed into a medieval catapult! He climbed into the launcher and waved his sword, "Tally ho!" He was thrust up onto the roof.

Ladybug and a still recovering Chat Noir scaled the walls and watched as the villain cut down the French flag.

"Haha! I have strucketh downeth thine banner! Onceth I planteth mine own, this city shalleth be-eth mineth!" laughed Darkblade.

"What, are you twelve? That is not how flags work," said Ladybug.

Darkblade was handed his crimson flag by one of his fellow knights, "Yes, it is. Watch." He stabbed his flag pole into the empty socket and out of the banner shot a pillar of darkness! The black smog pooled in the sky above, expanding its reach until the farthest corners of Paris were covered in shadow!

"What the fuck?!" screeched Ladybug.

"Democracy shall fall!" proclaimed Darkblade, "Bow before mine wrath!"

At the edges of the shadow, a great wall of black hit the ground, wrapping the entire city in a circular forcefield. The circle began to constrict and any Parisian it touched was immediately transformed into a loyal knight! Every car became a catapult! Every Irish Bar became a Ye Old Pube!

As helpless Parisians cowered in the black wall's path, a super-pumped Fred Haprele was running towards the magic barrier, "Come to papa, baby! No more Loser Fred! Make me a cool knight! Booyaa!" He dove face first at the wall, only to fly right through a small hole that suddenly opened up in the wall. Fred skidded across the pavement, still a loser. He wailed after the fast departing wall, "No! Come back! Please! I can be cool!"

"This is perfect!" grinned Hawkmoth, "It won't be long before Ladybug and Chat Noir meet their doom and become loyal servants. Once that happens, I will take their Miracu— Oh fuck!" The black wall passed through Hawkmoth's lair and he was turned into a butterfly-themed knight.

At this point, most of Darkblade's army was on the roof, almost overwhelming Ladybug but she managed to keep them at bay with her spinning yo-yo shield. "Chat Noir! Get the flag, hurry!"

The cross-eyed, dizzy, cat-themed hero stumbled across the rooftop, wildly waving his battle staff, "I'mma good to drive, officer, don't worry." He eventually crossed paths with Darkblade.

"Aha, fatefully, we meeteth once more, Sir Chat." He raised his sword, "Let this be-eth our final battle! En garde!"

"On who?" the poor, confused, head-traumatized boy asked, looking for whoever this 'Garde' was. Amazingly, his sudden searching body twist acted as a perfect dodge against Darkblade's swipe.

"Be-eth still, coward!" Darkblade repeatedly swung, but no matter what angle he took, the wretched Chat Noir seemed to slip from his sword.

"Yeah, Garde," Chat agreed in a slurred speech, "Come out here and fight like a man!"

Meanwhile, Ladybug finally got away from her attackers long enough to shout, "Lucky Charm!" She begged eagerly, "Come on! Sword! Sword! Sword! Sword!" Her weapon landed in her grasp and she aimed it at the army. "Back! Get back! I'm warning you, I'll use this!" Rather than fearful whimpering, she got blank, unimpressed stares. She then noticed she was threatening them with a polka-dotted windup toy.

"Um..." she awkwardly blinked at her predicament, "You knights fans of 'Monty Python and the Holy Grail?'"

"Oh, I loveth that movie!" praised one. The rest happily agreed. "Especially thee 'Just a Flesh Wound' scene."

"I don't remember that part," Ladybug lied through her teeth. "How does it go again?"

"T'is hilarious! King Arthur is fightingeth thee Black Knight and he cuts offeth his arm liketh this." Every knight then proceeded to cut off each other's arm. "Then he cuts offeth the other arm." Chop. "And then his legs!" Chop. "And theneth he sayseth, 'We'll call it a draw!' Ha ha ha!" The army of armless, legless, harmless knights guffawed.

The laughter slowly died down as Ladybug grabbed one of the many now unused swords and rushed to help Chat Noir.

"Hold on… Howeth did we cut offeth our legs _after_ we cut offeth our arms?" asked one knight.

"I… I'm not sure," answered another.

Chat Noir's stumbling finally made him fall over. Before Darkblade could give the final blow, Ladybug leaped before him, sword raised, "Aha! This is what I've been waiting for! No more fighting with useless, stupid knick-knacks! Now, face me, Akuma!" With a mighty swing, Ladybug's blade was instantly knocked out of her hands and it shattered on the roof tile. "Merde! I forgot I don't know how to use a sword!"

"Fool!" shouted Darkblade, clearly offended, "Didst thou truly believeth thou could besteth a swordmaster?"

"...Kinda, yeah," she shrugged.

"I shall cut ye downeth for thine insolence!" With both arms Darkblade raised his weapon high above his head!

With seconds left to live, Ladybug instinctively threw the windup toy at him and gave one last goodbye kick to Chat Noir's groin. The toy flew into an opening in Darkblade's armor, tickling the man underneath. The giggling grew so great that he dropped his sword and it shattered on the roof tile, releasing the butterfly inside.

Ladybug glared at the windup toy as it rolled out of the knight's armor, "Fuck you." After purifying the Akuma, she threw the windup toy into the sky, "Miraculous Ladybug!" a magical swarm of ladybugs appeared and flew across the city, putting everything back in order.

The knights became whole people again.

The catapults returned to being cars.

Sabrina's arm wound was healed and she was brought back from brink of death.

* * *

 _Later:_

Marinette safely tucked her retrieved diary under her arm as the EMTs wheeled away with the still unconscious Sabrina on a stretcher. "Well, Chloe, I hope you learned a lesson about not putting your friends at risk."

"Y'up, next time I get useless Sabrina to steal your diary, I'm giving her a chainsaw."

"Wait..." Alya jumped in, recording Chloe with her phone, "You had Sabrina steal Marinette's diary?" The class eyed Chloe with suspicion as the blonde shrunk under the question.

"Well... I… It was Sabrina's idea!" She desperately pointed to the ambulance as it drove away. However, from the glares it was clear nobody believed her.

"At least now we know nobody is going to vote for Chloe," Alya smirked at Marinette.

"Hold on!" a voice interrupted the scene. It was only then that the children realized there still was a crowd of angry Parisians waving torches and pitchforks in front of City Hall. Someone at the front of the crowd yelled, "We actually came here to get rid of you, Bourgeois!" The people roared in agreement. The de facto leader continued, "You're doing a fucking terrible job getting rid of these Akumas and we want you gone. If we can't vote you out, then we'll do it the old fashioned way!"

A tall, fully assembled, wooden guillotine rose from the masses, its sharp edge glistened in the sun.

"Told you," Alix snarked to nobody.

As the rioters advanced on the building, Marinette instinctively positioned herself in front of the chubby Mayor and shouted, "Wait!" Surprisingly, the murderous populace waited for the girl to talk. "Don't you see? It's not the Mayor's fault this is happening. He's doing the best he can but Hawkmoth can get to any of us. There's no way he can protect everybody."

"She's right!" one rioter nodded and then turned on the group, "It's all of your faults! Why can't you people stop getting angry?"

Immediately, everybody turned on everybody, bellowing and howling in rage. Marinette flinched as she saw weapons almost striking. "No! Please! I didn't mean it like that!" This time, though, the people weren't listening. "Tikki, what did I say wrong? All I wanted them to do was acknowledge that we each need to take some responsibility."

"That's not democracy," Tikki shook her head.

A fatty, comforting hand then patted her shoulder. Marinette looked up to see it was Bourgeois, kindly smiling down at her. He stepped passed the girl and called to the mob.

"I am your Mayor. _Everything_ is my fault," the declaration boomed down the road. A hushed silence fell across the people. Their bloodthirst held back for the moment by their confusion. Bourgeois watched over them, his four chins flapped solemnly with his words. "In a democracy, when you vote, you're not only choosing who you think will do the best job. You're also choosing who you want to blame for the countless things going wrong in your life. And I gladly accept that blame, not only because it makes you feel better, but because I can take your merde! You chose me to take your merde! That is what being Mayor is! Not to have some overpaid luxury job, but to be the fool you can throw tomatoes at to release your anger without having to resort to invading another country, persecuting foreigners or even burning an innocent witch!"

A woman in the front row gasped and clutched her witch hat at the very thought.

"I am your scapegoat! I am your punching bag! I am your Mayor… and until I am no longer wanted," his gaze pierced theirs with resignation, "let me take your merde."

The only sound was the flickering flames wielded by the mob. The very air stood still as a hundred faces looked upon his. At last, the first torch dropped.

"Yeah, go to hell!" agreed the child who put out the fire.

"You're why our city sucks!" cheered another, sheathing their pitchfork.

"Thanks, Bourgeois!" snarked the witch with heavy sarcasm.

The rest of Paris joined in, throwing down their weapons and throwing up their insults at the politician. As the guillotine collapsed into harmless timber, the people united as one in the single sentiment they could always all agree on. "FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU!"

"Now, _that_ is democracy," Tikki nodded in approval from Marinette's purse. Marinette herself stared in awe of Mayor Bourgeois, never before seeing him stand so tall.

"Great, since that's been settled, I hereby outlaw use of the suffix '-eth,'" added Bourgeois.

D'Argencourt sprang out of nowhere, "Howeth darest thou-eth!" and was immediately taken away by two police officers.

* * *

 _The next day, at school_ :

"And by a majority vote, this year's class rep is Chloe Bourgeois," announced Miss Bustier.

"BULLSHIT!" Marinette flipped her desk, "That can't be right! I demand a recount!"

"Um, when I said 'majority vote,' Marinette, I meant only one person voted for you." Bustier held up her clipboard which showed the vote tally. Marinette had a singular sad vote. The girl collapsed at the sight.

Marinette turned her madenning look towards who she thought was her friend, "Et tu, Alya?"

"I exercise my right to keep my vote private," Alya hid behind her phone.

What happened next was quite a sight. It's hard to explain, but basically, Marinette exploded. "I voted for MYSELF! That means NONE of you voted for me! What is WRONG with you people?!" She climbed onto Bustier's desk and glared at the betrayers. None made eye contact as they nervously adjusted their new Jagged Stone t-shirts. "I risked my LIFE yesterday protecting you ungrateful assholes and THIS is the thanks I get?! You know what? You deserve Chloe! Rot in hell!" she snarled, flipping both middle fingers in their faces.

"Excuse me," Chloe's hand raised. "I actually concede."

Everybody stared at her.

"What?" she scoffed, "You think I'd be stupid enough to take this lame job after what my daddykins said? As if! I am nobody's merde-taker."

A couple seconds ticked by before Bustier said, "Huh, since Chloe has dropped out, by default, that makes Marinette the class rep." The teacher then gave some polite applause to the new winner who was too shocked to lower her middle fingers.

Soon that shock subsided to embarrassment. Everyone was staring at her now but Marinette was still looking right at Chloe. Slowly but surely a smirk grew on the blonde bitch's face and Marinette knew… Chloe had gotten exactly what she wanted. The public bribing, stealing her diary, revealing that she had stolen her diary, waiting until after Marinette had lost to concede! It was all to push Marinette's buttons until she snapped and humiliated herself in front of the class and got dumped with a crappy job!

"That's how you wanna play, slut? Okay." Marinette's eye spasmed and the wrench wound she had nearly forgotten about pulsed. With as much dignity as she could muster, Marinette climbed down from the teacher's desk, dusted herself off and calmly told Miss Bustier, "Chloe is my deputy."

Chloe tilted her head to the side in confusion, "Wait, what?"

And so began the Dupain-Cheng-Bourgeois Administration!

END

 _Hey, Class Rep Marinette and Deputy Chloe forced to work together to make a better class experience for everyone. That'd make a neat story— NO, GET OUT OF MY HEAD! I ALREADY WRITE TOO MANY STORIES! SOMEBODY ELSE WRITE THAT STORY BEFORE IT GETS ME! HELP!_

 _But seriously, what's your opinion on commissions and P-A-T-R-E-O-N?_


	18. 12 A Rose By Any Other Name Is Creepy

A/N: WARNING! What am I warning you about? Well, I can't specify, otherwise you'll point out that I didn't warn you about that one particular thing. So... be forewarned!

 _PROLOGUE_

 _"Emergency!" I screamed, kicking down the kitchen door._

 _"Whoa, calm down, I Write Big, what's the problem?" chided Lappy, "And why are your eyes so droopy?"_

 _"Because I haven't had my coffee yet! I can't work without coffee and we're out of instant!" I gripped its screen in cold desperation._

 _Lappy's digital face quirked to the side, "Then... buy more?"_

 _"I TRIED!" I growled as the lack of sweet, sweet, addicting caffeine turned me more hostile to his reasonable suggestion, "But they don't have French Roast in this country! They also don't have French Dressing or French Fries! God help us if they don't have French Toast..."_

 _The GPS on the counter beeped, "Setting route to: Cafe."_

 _"Screw that!" I swatted the small possessed device across the room. "Those overpriced sludge-slingers charge ten bucks a cup!"_

 _As I released my rage, Lappy's motherboard processed my dilemma and concluded, "Well then, I guess you'll have to brew it_ the old fashioned way!"

 _A little later, I was carefully inspecting my newly bought French Press coffee device._ _It resembled a glass tube, only a couple inches in diameter. The curved spout towards the top and its meager handle on the other side were the only signs that this was supposed to be a jug of some sort. The second piece was a fancifully decorated plunger with the perfect width to snugly fit in the jug._

 _"Pour in hot water and coffee grinds and plunge slowly until coffee appears," Lappy read of its screen, "Seems simple enough."_

 _"Mmm," I grumbled and inspected the grinds Lappy convinced me to get, "Are you sure this'll taste like French Roast?"_

 _"It's called Home Roast and we're in France, therefore, logically, it should taste like a French Home Roast. Now, hurry up or you'll be late for work."_

 _The combination of not wanting to disappoint my mancrush Jeremy Zag and caffeine withdrawal made Lappy's words sound perfectly reasonable. I poured the water and grinds into the jug. I then took the plunger and proceeded to swish it up and down the jug like I would plunge a toilet. Before long, the water was a familiar black. I tossed the plunger and poured the 'coffee' into my Miraculous Ladybug mug and chugged._

 _"So...? How is it?" Lappy eagerly pulled up a five star rating chart._

 _I laboriously munched on the hot coffee slushie. It was chewy. Kinda like chunky peanut butter, only with an overpowering taste of acid. With as much dignity as a professional janitor could muster, I hurled into the sink._

 _Ten minutes later, I was at the front of the line of the nearest cafe._

 _"One French Roast Latte, please," I mumbled to the barista._

 _"French Roast? Do you mean Home Roast?"_

 _"FUCK YOU, GIVE ME COFFEE!"_

 _...TO BE CONTINUED..._

* * *

 **Miraculous Headache**  
 _Chapter 12: A Rose By Any Other Name is Creepy  
_ By: I Write Big

There's nothing more humbling than getting sick. One day out of the blue, you are suddenly bedridden, burning, and coughing your lungs out. You have no choice but to rely on those you trust most to take care of you until you are well again. It is in these nose-stuffed moments of misery that we realize how lost we would be without others and are often the stories of how life-long friendships are born.

This is NOT one of those stories.

"Help..."

Marinette flinched at the raspy voice coming from her purse. She had just de-transformed after an annoying akuma fight in the rain. Chat Noir had made the ordeal even worse by splashing buckets of water on her and pretending it was an accident. She was pretty sure he totally wanted to test if her suit was see-through when wet.

Now, she stood on the street corner, holding a shivering, pathetic kwami curled up in a ball.

"Is this a trick?" Marinette narrowed her eyes.

The polkadotted demon glared at her, "I'M DYING, YOU BRAINLESS, HALF-CHINESE— achoo!"

Marinette stifled a snort at the kitten-like sneeze that came from the terrifying monster. "Pfft—You don't have a nose. How did you-haha!"

Tikki barely floated upright, "Don't you laugh at me! I could kill you with one antenna-a-a-achooo!" she collapsed back into the purse. "Ugh, my head… Marinette, there's a mystical healer in town. He can fix me. Take me to him. Now."

Marinette smiled warmly down at her and whispered, "No."

"You dare defy me?!" Tikki tried to roar like a lion but through her scratchy throat it sounded more like a sweet lamb's bleat. "I will devour your soul!"

Marinette maintained that smile, "Oh no, I'm so scared." She then locked her purse with Tikki inside and proceeded to happily twirl the bag like a baton. "Whatever shall I do?"

"Stop!" Tikki's dizzy voice came from her bag. "BLEGH! Ugh! I puked my cookies and now it's everywhere!"

"Sorry, can't hear you over the sound of the school bell." Marinette stopped. "School! I'm late again! Fuck!"

 _Later, at school:_

It was the middle of science class and dear, sweet Rose was watching the news on her phone about the arrival of the young, handsome Prince Ali.

"He's just so gorgeous!" Rose gushed to Juleka, "And such a heart of gold, too. He's coming to Paris to give toys to kids in the hospital when he could be living off his wealth in the Kingdom of Atchoo."

"Bless you," the barely listening Juleka mumbled and handed her a tissue.

The easily excitable girl gasped and pulled out a piece of paper and some glittery crayons, "You know what, I'mma write him a letter telling him my deepest abortion and uppiest recess!"

"Close. You meant to say, 'deepest adoration and upmost respect,'" Juleka corrected with an uncaring tone.

"Thanks! You're so smart!" Rose proceeded to scribble some very misspelled words. "Are you happy about getting the afternoon off today from being my carmaker?"

"Caretaker," Juleka corrected again, her impatient look locked on the slow clock.

"I can't wait! I can't even remember the last time I was allowed to be by myself!" she shook with childlike joy, "Ooh! What are you going to do?"

"Doilies," she simply said.

Rose stopped scribbling what looked like a cartoon rabbit, "I didn't know you made doilies."

"You never asked," Juleka sighed. "No one does."

Marinette then tripped through the door and smashed face first through Miss Mendeleiev's latest experiment with a dignified, "WHAA!"

"Miss Dupain-Cheng!" the teacher scolded, "Not only are you late for Science, the greatest class ever created, but you've released my homemade airborne acid! It'll burn the skin off anyone it touches!"

"Oh no!" Marinette smiled devilishly, "Don't worry, I'll fan the acid away with my purse!"

Most of the class raised an eyebrow at the high-pitched screams of pain that seemed to come from Marinette's bag as she swung it.

Meanwhile, Rose put the finishing touches on her letter and spritzed it with a few squirts from her perfume bottle. Immediately, Miss Mendeleiev's nostrils flared, "Flammable, oil-based substance!" She flew across the room and slammed a beaker over the pink, scented cloud, "By Schrodinger's cat! Are you trying to kill us all! Take your flamethrower and march yourself to the principal's office!"

Rose whimpered all the way out of the room.

"Chemicals are constantly around us, class. We must be wary of what we bring into a lab." Mendeleiev slipped a burner into the perfume cloud and struck the igniter. The tiny cloud exploded in a ball of fire. Everyone gasped at the display. "I hope you've all learned something about safety."

Max raised her hand, "Miss Mendeleiev, we're teenagers. By my calculations, based off average modern spending practices, I estimate it's safe to say that every individual girl in this class is wearing a dangerously high concentration of perfume, right now."

Everybody stiffened.

Several eyed the exit door.

Alya started livestreaming to her 'I'm About to Die' blog.

Mendeleiev whispered, "Nobody light anything."

"Yo, dudes, check it out." Nino picked something up, "I found a lit match."

KABOOM!

 _One firefight later, outside of school:_

Marinette was casually bashing her purse against the wall, when a singed Alya tapped her shoulder. "Whatcha doing?"

"Oh, you know."

THWACK! "Ow!"

"Just putting out one..."

THWACK! "Ow!"

"Last…"

THWACK! "Ow!"

"Little fire. Why?"

Alya shrugged, "Thought you might want to know that Adrien got to school late, too. Totally missed class and would probably appreciate someone's helpful notes."

Marinette trembled at the idea, "You're right! He'd probably ask that helpful someone out on a study date and we'd sit next to each other and I could smell him all day!"

"Smell him, right, that's your thing now." Alya primed her camera, "Go for it. Unless you have something more important to do."

Marinette looked down at her purse which housed the poor, sick creature inside. "Nope." She then happily made her way towards Adrien.

She heard Tikki growl, "When I regain my strength, you will have hell to pay!"

Marinette opened her purse and smirked down at Tikki, "Say 'please.'"

The demon's eye twitched, "What?"

"You want me to take you to the doctor, then say 'please.'"

"Insolent mortal!" she spat a fireball, but it fizzled out immediately, "You thought possession was my worst punishment? Your pain will be everlasting!"

"Not hearing 'please,'" Marinette sang before she tripped and fell into the arms of Adrien.

"Whoa, are you okay?" he asked.

The feeling of his bare skin was too great. It was like the finest silk lined with the sweetest svelte. Marinette blubbered in his hold which he took as a good sign and left her there. Marinette stood transfixed at the memory of his touch. It was far beyond the joy she experienced from his smell. She had found a new reason to exist.

So far into Nirvana had she slipped that she didn't notice that trip had flung Tikki across the sidewalk, leaving her exposed! Too sick to fly, the Kwami laid there like a beached polkadotted whale, "Fear me..." she grumbled.

Two pairs of feet approached her and the Kwami assumed a playful body position like an action figure.

"Sabrina, what event is Prince Ali hosting again?" she heard Chloe ask as her limo pulled up.

"Giving toys to sick children."

"Giving to _others_?" Chloe scratched her chin, "I've never heard of such a thing. Must have to do with the backwards culture in Atchoo."

"Bless you," Sabrina tried to hand her a tissue.

"Hey, what's this?" The blonde bitch picked up Tikki and turned her over in her hands, "I've never seen a toy like this. I wonder what it says." She tugged on Tikki's tail.

Tikki winced and proclaimed, "Kill Marinette Dupain-Cheng!"

"Ooh! I love it!" giggled Chloe. "You are going to be a hit with Prince Ali!"

"Did you say Ali?" Rose rushed to Chloe, her loving letter in her hands. "Are you going to see him? Can you please deliver my letter to him for me?"

"Oh yeah, sure."

"Really?" squealed Rose.

"Really?" questioned Sabrina.

"Really," smiled Chloe.

Up in the sky, a hole in the plane of existence was ripped asunder as the natural order was disturbed by Chloe's kindness. Chloe then tore the letter in half and order was restored. "Oops! I'm so clumsy," she mocked.

"That's okay!" Rose smiled with pure innocence, "I can make another!" She then pulled out more paper and glitter-filled crayons.

Chloe's eye twitched at the lack of tears. She grabbed Rose's crayons, snapped them in half and dropped the remains, "Oh no! I'm so sorry," Chloe smirked.

"No problem! Crayons can keep drawing even after they break!" Rose picked up the broken but still perfectly usable crayons.

"AAGH!" Chloe grabbed Sabrina's glasses and used them to magnify the sunlight on the crayons. They melted into useless, glittery, waxy goop.

Rose gasped, "O-M-A, Chloe, what happened? Do Sabrina's glasses have superpowers?"

Chloe then decided she had enough and went with the direct approach, "I am trying to destroy any chance you have with Prince Ali! I am _not_ a good person! Get it through your thick skull!"

"Y-you're..." Rose clenched her trembling fists to her chest as the perfect world she had imagined, crumbled before her, "You're a _meanie_?"

"YES! Fucking finally!" Satisfied, Chloe climbed into the limo and drove away. The limo sped past Marinette and through the window she glimpsed Tikki in Chloe's hands. The sight and its implications finally snapped the girl out of it.

"Chloe has Tikki..." Marinette muttered in a panic. "Relax, relax," she told herself, "as long as there aren't any akuma attacks in the next hour, I can get her back and everything will be fine."

"No..."

Marinette turned towards the horrified voice and saw Juleka drop her black doilies and rush to Rose's side. Rose was collapsed on her knees, staring with empty eyes down at the remains of her crayon goop covered letter. In a surprising burst of emotion, Juleka desperately petted Rose's head like she was a puppy. "Rose, calm down. Go to your happy place."

"Happy place?" the pixie-haired girl asked through clenched teeth.

"Yes! Happy! Full of sunshine and love and gummy bears! That's it! Sun's getting real low—"

"There is no happy place… Only _meanies!_ " Rose's head dipped, hiding her face. Her entire body began to quiver in anger.

Marinette took a frightened step back, "Uh, Juleka, what's happening—"

A dark butterfly fluttered down towards Rose. Juleka ripped it from the air and proceeded to shove the evil bug in Rose's face, "Take the akuma, dammit! For the love of Astruc, take it!"

"Whoa, what the fuck are you doing?!" screeched Marinette.

"Trust me!" Juleka cried, her eyes shining with more fear than Marinette was used to seeing, "An akumatized Rose is way safer than—"

With a sickening crunch, Rose jammed her pocket knife into the cobblestone. The blade ran clear through the dark butterfly. After giving a few last pathetic flaps, the akuma crumbled into dust.

"Run..." whispered Juleka.

Marinette blinked.

"RUN!" Juleka fled past Marinette as fast as her legs could carry her.

Marinette watched Juleka zip down the sidewalk and called, "Juleka, seriously, what the hell is going—" Marinette stopped talking because she had looked back towards Rose. What she saw nearly stopped her heart.

The pink girl was no longer kneeling but standing.

Staring with a handprint of glittery crayon goop smeared on her face.

Smiling…

It was the calmest, creepiest, most empty smile Marinette had seen. And it was directed right at her… Again Marinette subconsciously took a step back out of fear. Rose's pocket knife was still hanging gently in her grip. For a split second, Marinette looked down the road where Juleka had escaped and then back at Rose.

Rose was suddenly inches away from her!

"WHAT THE FUCKING ASTRUC TAPDANCING CHRIST WHOA!" Marinette jumped back.

Rose didn't respond. She simply kept smiling...

"How did you? When did you? Did you teleport?" She didn't answer. Only stood there like she had before.

Smiling…

"Um, Rose, are you okay?"

Another akuma fluttered down and, with one jerky arm movement, Rose sliced the bug in half.

"Angry! Got it!" Marinette started walking backwards. Rose didn't follow.

Two more akumas came down and they too were sliced.

" _Very_ angry! Noted!" Marinette picked up the pace.

A gentle breeze then blew, lifting one of Juleka's doilies. The fine piece of craft hit Rose's head, covering half her face in black and stuck to the goop.

Again, Rose didn't react.

She only smiled...

Marinette gulped, "Okay, I'm going to run away screaming now."

Rose continued to smile…

"TIKKI!" Marinette cried as she finally turned her back on whatever the hell was happening and booked it towards Chloe's hotel.

 _Meanwhile:_

In a tower hidden somewhere in Paris, a great spiral window was already open, illuminating the haunting figure of a man totally losing his shit.

"Sacre Bleu?! Why aren't my precious akumas working?!" Hawkmoth asked as he sent butterfly after butterfly out the window. He could sense them up until they reached the target. It was the strongest signal of pure hatred and fury he had come across yet. As soon as they got close, however, the connection was lost. He picked up a butterfly-themed office phone, "Nathalie, more butterflies! Stat!"

He heard his assistant give her customary annoyed groan of acknowledgement. The wall opened, revealing lines of netted cages filled with caterpillars. Hawkmoth dropped fresh leaves into the cages, "Yes, my little ones, feast! Cocoon yourselves and add to my army!"

As he laughed evilly, Nathalie added a bulk order of more caterpillars to the roster… again.

 _Outside Chloe's hotel:_

An out of breath Marinette ran to the bellhop guarding the hotel door and frantically begged, "I need to see Chloe now! It's an emergency!"

"An akuma attack?" the bellhop gasped.

"Well… actually, no."

The bellhop shrugged, "Then it's not an emergency."

Marinette swallowed her desire to throttle the man and turned around. No sign of Rose yet. She ran around the corner and came back wearing a poncho and a motorcycle helmet that she found in the trash. She waved a moldy pizza box at the bellhop, "Be afraid! It is I, Pizza Delivery Girl! The most vile of akumas!"

"No, have mercy! I'm lactose intolerant!" the bellhop groveled.

As he cowered, she dove through the front door. She took the public elevator to the highest floor, listening closely for a sign.

"Marinette shall know no peace!"

"Haha! I don't know what it is about this toy but I just can't get enough!"

Marinette headed towards the voices. She found Chloe at a separate private elevator, Tikki in her grasp.

"One more for the ride up," Chloe tugged on Tikki's tail.

"Pull on my tail again and you'll face the same curse as Marinette."

"Well, that wasn't funny." She tugged again.

"That's it. You're getting Pollen."

The elevator door closed before Marinette could reach them. Marinette then started climbing the stairs.

 _Meanwhile, outside:_

The bellhop was making sure he hadn't grown pizza on his body anywhere when something odd caught his eye. A short girl, dressed in a lot of pink with a black doily covering half of her face and glittery paint covering the other, was standing across the street.

She was staring at him.

Smiling…

It was a bit unnerving, but he decided where children stared didn't matter. He checked if his hair had been replaced with melted cheese. It wasn't. He sighed in relief and faced the road. The doily girl was now on his side of the street.

Still staring.

Still smiling…

He then noticed with dread that she held a small _pocket knife_ at her side. He backed against the door, "Um, miss, are you okay?"

She didn't respond. A black butterfly fluttered down near her.

"If you're here to see Prince Ali—" She jerkily sliced the butterfly in half. "AH! I'm sorry but he's not taking any unscheduled visitors!" he screamed and looked over his shoulder for anyone who could help. He looked back…

And the girl was far away again, back across the street.

Thoroughly confused, he looked to the side to make sure he wasn't somehow being pranked. When he looked back, he spied the girl's face sticking out of a storm drain on the corner. Spotting a pattern, he looked away and back.

She was on a fire hydrant.

Away and back.

In a mailbox.

Away and back.

On top of a street pole.

Away and back.

Right the hell in front of him! "AAAHHH!" the bellhop ran inside.

 _Upstairs:_

Prince Ali was having his picture taken by dozens of reporters with Mayor Bourgeois as the man mansplained the festivities he had planned. "After the interview, we'll have a rock concert right here in this room and later I have a fireworks display ready to be shown on the Seine River."

"Oh, I am so excited," Ali clapped through his accent, "Please, I wish to see everything your wasteful capitalist country has to offer."

"Everything? Um, is the Kingdom of Atchoo one of those middle eastern countries that's a touch more..." Bourgeois discreetly coughed, " _conservative_?"

"Oh no, Atchoo is very progressive. Women are even allowed to drive as long as they have at least _one_ male escort," Ali smiled with pride.

"Splendid!" Bourgeois slapped the boy's back, "Then we must stop by the nude beach! That's where you can see France in all its glory." It was at this point that Chloe arrived on the scene. "Ah, speaking of which, Prince Ali, it is my pleasure to introduce you to my princess Chloe."

"Charmed, I'm sure," Chloe held out her hand for a kiss.

"My goodness!" Ali blushed, "A girl wearing _pants_!? Your western world is so bold!"

Chloe laughed politely at what she assumed was a joke and presented Ali with Tikki, "Here, my Prince, a special stuffed toy for the sick children in the hospital. If you tug on her tail, she says fun catchphrases."

"Oh?" The boy excitedly tugged.

"Kingdoms rise and fall!" Tikki snarled, "I remember when Atchoo was nothing more than a fishing village and when your home has eventually crumbled back to ruin, I WILL STILL LIVE!"

"D'aw! So cute!" Ali then tucked Tikki into his chest pocket and turned to the reporters to start the interview.

Marinette, still in disguise, tactically snuck into the back of the room. She accidentally tripped on her poncho and crashed into the stage setup for Bourgeois' rock concert. Everyone saw her.

"Ah!" screamed Bourgeois, "An akuma!"

"A what?" asked Ali.

Marinette's ghastly image was broadcast through the reporter's cameras to multiple TVs! Including…

 _Adrien's Living Room:_

"And that's sixteen crates of live caterpillars, two hundred yards of butterfly-themed curtains and one pair of butterfly-themed fuzzy slippers. Sign here, kid."

Adrien handed the delivery man back the clipboard and briefly wondered why his father needed so many of these bugs. Before he could think to ask Nathalie, he caught a terrifying sight on the TV. "My Astruc! That is the ugliest akuma yet!" cried Adrien at the image of the blue twintailed, red helmeted abomination. "We have to save those people! Plagg! Where are you?"

"In here…" moaned the kwami's voice from the trash can. "I saw some camembert at the bottom of the can but it turned out to be gum. Now I'm too tired to get out."

"I can fix that. Plagg, claws out!" in a blast of black he transformed into Chat Noir and leaped out the window.

 _Back at the hotel:_

The room's glass elevator doors opened, revealing Rose!

Smiling…

"No!" protested Marinette to the scared masses, "There is no akuma! Stop looking at me! Look at Rose! She doesn't move if you look at her!"

"Seriously, what is this 'akuma'?" pestered Ali, "Is it French tradition where people wear helmets or something?"

"Quick, everyone escape into the glass elevator!" instructed Bourgeois.

Tripping faster than they could run, Marinette clumsily put herself between the innocent people and the unhinged girl, "Stop!"

"Look at how it moves randomly on its arms and legs!" trembled Chloe, "It's so inhuman!"

"I'm not—She's the— You know what, screw it! Oogity-boogity! I'm an akuma! Run away from me!" Marinette waved her hands menacingly. The people screamed and stampeded out of the door. Knowing Rose would be after Chloe and Ali, Marinette kept behind their group to shepherd them to safety. "Yes, I'm gonna getcha! Ooh!"

"We'll be safe in here!" Bourgeois claimed, leading his daughter and the Prince into a room. He locked the reinforced door behind him.

Marinette's wrench wound spasmed, "Are you kidding me?" She pounded on the door, "Take the stairs! They're right here! Get out of the building!"

"Don't listen to her," she heard Bourgeois advise, "She's trying to trick us."

Marinette's roar of frustration morphed into a scream of fear as she saw Rose standing down the hall.

Staring.

Smiling…

"Okay, I just need to get this stupid helmet off so they'll listen to me." Keeping her eyes glued on Rose, she gripped the sides of the helmet and pulled up. However, she forgot that motorcycle helmets have mouth guards and for 0.0017 of a second, that mouth guard blocked Rose from her sight. And it was all the time she needed. "Where the—No! Where'd she go?" Marinette whipped her head around.

"My goodness! A girl in a skirt! And pink, the forbidden color!?" she heard come from the locked room.

"GAA!" Marinette shoved the helmet back on and desperately went with the first idea that popped into her head, "Mayor Bourgeois, I, the akuma, have put you under my spell and now you are my loyal servant! Open the door!"

...Click went the lock and the door swung open.

"Yes, Master..." the Mayor droned like a zombie.

Chloe ran out, screaming. Ali followed, very confused, "What is going on?"

"Trust me, it's best not to question it," Marinette called as she chased them. "Just keep running."

Somehow, they eventually ended up back in the interview room. Marinette shut the door behind them and blocked it with a chair. She caught her breath as Chloe shed tears about how they were now trapped with the akuma and about how she was going to die without getting another manicure done.

"Quit your bitching!" shouted Marinette, reaching for the helmet, "For the last time, I'm not an aku—"

Chat Noir burst through window, "Party's over, akuma!" His battle staff extended across the room.

The end caught Marinette in the gut and flung her into the kitchen. Marinette smashed against the wall and a mountain of frying pans piled on top of her. "Ugh… I'm going to skin that cat alive."

Chat Noir held his battle staff out the window and extended it all the way down to the ground where it securely planted itself in a man's foot. "Let's go, people. Emergency exit."

"Um, strange cat-man, why can we not use the elevator?" Ali pointed to the spacious, ornate, air conditioned glass elevator that Rose used only minutes ago.

Chat Noir shook his head, "That's ex-cat-ly what the akuma will be expecting. Now move!" The three of them slid down the pole. "Okay!" Chat Noir smashed the window of a random parked car and unlocked it, "Everybody in!"

"What?! This is stealing!" cried the shocked Ali, "Can we not run?"

"That's ex-cat-tly what the akuma will be expecting. Let's ride!" They piled in and the car peeled rubber down the street.

Marinette gaped from the 9th story window, "Did he just…?"

 _In the car:_

Chat Noir channeled his years of playing GTA as he tore up the cobblestone roads. "Alright, Prince Ali, enter the sick kids' hospital address into the car's GPS."

"That is absurd!" Ali tore at his hair, "I do not understand why or by whom but we are being chased! Why would we bring that to sick children? We should go to the police!"

Chat Noir shook his head, "That's ex-cat-ly what the akuma will be expect—"

"You all keep saying akuma! What the hell is an akuma?"

"Look out!" screeched Chloe.

Standing in the middle of the road up ahead was Rose!

Smiling…

Chat Noir wrenched the wheel hard and the car swerved out of his control. They struck something and the entire world flipped.

 _Later:_

Marinette hoofed it down the sidewalk, following the smoke until she found the wreck. The car was on its roof. Broken glass powdered the road. Her steps slowed and she fell to her knees. "No… Chat… Hold on, I don't care about Chat." She gasped! "Chloe! Wait, no, um… Did I care about anybody in there?"

"Marinette..." she heard a high-pitched voice moan right next to her.

"Tikki! Of course, I care about _you_ ," she lied and picked up the sickly thing. "How did you get over here?"

"I phased out of the car before it crashed," coughed Tikki, "Or did you forget I could do that?"

"Honestly, I feel like you forget half the time. So, is everyone else dead or..."

"That crazy girl came and took them." The demon growled and spat the next words like they were poison, "Marinette, please."

The girl stared in awe of how meek the tiny ball of destruction had become. Maternal instinct washed over her as she realized how a fragile life was sitting in the palm of her hand and was in need of her help. She then looked away uncomfortably, "Okay, now, you have to promise not to get angry for all the merde that happened today."

"Fine! Fuck! Come on!"

 _Later, at Fu's Massage Shop_ _:_

 _BWOM! BWOM! BWOM!_

Marinette tried to maintain a straight face as the old man who called himself Fu kept ringing a gong repeatedly over Tikki's unconscious body. She checked her phone, he had been at this for nearly twenty minutes.

 _BWOM! BWOM! BWOM!_

"Uh, so," she shouted over the loud instrument, "your sign outside says 'Pets missing? Don't blame us, blame the akumas.' Is that like a joke or…?"

 _BWOM! BWOM! BWOM!_

"Oh yes, me serve food," Fu answered with a solemn nod. "Want me cook you something? Give you lunch special. 9.99!"

 _BWOM! BWOM! BWOM!_

Marinette chose not to answer that. "If you don't mind me asking, how is _this,_ " she motioned to the gong he was still ringing, "supposed to be Ancient Chinese medicine? Because, to me, it seems extremely racist."

 _BWOM! BWOM! BWOM!_

"Me Chinese. Me cannot be racist to other Chinese," the old man reasoned.

 _BWOM! BWOM! BWOM!_

"I am half-chinese and I find everything about you offensive. The sign outside, the way you talk, whatever the hell you think you're doing."

"Is 'Bangarang' by Skrillex. Wait til bass drop."

 _BWOM!BWOM!BWOM!BWOM!BWOM!BWOM!BWOM!BWOM!BWOM!_

Marinette plugged her ears, "STOP AND FIX HER!"

Fu put the gong down and rolled his eyes, "Okay, millennials so touchy. Me fix gweilo way." He pulled out a box of Mucinex and dropped a pill into Tikki's mouth.

Almost immediately, the kwami's eyes shot open and she breathed deeply. "Oh that is so much better! I can feel the magic returning to my body!" She spat a fireball and set the bed on fire, "Yes! I'm back! Fear me! MUAHAHAAHAHAHAAH!"

Marinette grabbed the still laughing Tikki, "Thanks for saving my fire-breathing cat who definitely can't talk! I gotta go, bye!" she rushed out.

"You owe 10 Euro for medicine!" Fu yelled back as he tried to put out the fire by playing his gong at the flames.

 _BWOM! BWOM! BWOM!_

 _Outside:_

Marinette tried to carry Tikki to a discreet bench by the Seine River but the kwami was making it difficult, "I feel like I could devour a hundred souls! Haha!"

"Tikki, get a hold of yourself!" Marinette whispered, "You need to tell me where Rose took the others so we can stop her."

Tikki stopped her celebration and gave the girl an odd look, "Why?"

"Because she's gone totally kookoo-banana-nutso-craycray and she has a knife and I think she's teleporting and she… isn't... akumatized..." Marinette's speech slowed to a halt as she realized what she was saying, "Does this mean we don't have to care?" she asked with genuine hope.

"Well..." Tikki twirled her antenna on a nub in thought for a second, "No creature in this world is more dangerous than a teenage girl whose soul has been crushed by reality. And on top of that pocket knife, this whole thing is just overkill."

Marinette nodded in complete agreement.

"But..." Tikki shrugged, "She's not akumatized so not our problem."

"Sweet!" cheered Marinette. She stuffed Tikki back into her purse and turned to enjoy the rest of her day… and walked right into Rose! "AAAAAAAAAAAH!"

Everything went black.

 _Later, at the Ponts Des Artes bridge:_

Marinette woke gasping in terror to find herself chained to the bridge by the many padlocks that covered the landmark's side. A quick inspection revealed Chat Noir, Chloe, and Ali sat next to her in the same predicament.

"Oh come on! I had a freebie!" groaned Marinette.

"Don't worry, Princess!" reassured Chat Noir as he struggled against his restraints, "I'm not about to let my fan down again!"

"Wait, Marinette's a Chat Noir fan?" Chloe scoffed.

"Even better. She's my _number one_ fan!" Chat grinned before Marinette could stop him.

"Ha! Pathetic."

"Um, everyone," stuttered Ali, "The scary pink girl is back."

Indeed Rose was suddenly standing before them, with a priest by her side. The holy cleric was shaking in his robes, "I, uh, I'm not sure how I got here, but I think this young lady wants me to marry you two," he pointed at both Rose and Ali.

"What?!" cried Choe, "Like hell I'm going to let Rose run off with my potential meal ticket! Chat Noir, do something!"

"Right! Cataclysm!" The ancient power of ultimate destruction filled his hand and his restraints crumbled. He charged Rose! She sidestepped him and he fell over the bridge railing into the water.

"Seriously, what do you see in him?" Chloe asked Marinette.

"I don't! Will you—Ugh! I hate you so much!" Marinette roared back.

"Girls, can we not get distracted and help me?" Ali begged as the priest started the ceremony.

"Oh like I care what any of you losers think!" screeched Chloe, "You're a lower-middle class baker's daughter whose mother had to marry into this country and Rose is a bipolar freak whose only friend has clinical depression!"

CLANG! In an instant, Rose's stabbing arm was between them, her blade deeply embedded in a steel padlock near Chloe's head. As both girls cowered, Marinette took note that the padlock Rose stabbed was the one attaching her to the bridge. She also spied something fluttering towards them… it was an akuma, attracted to Rose's rage. She then remembered what Juleka said.

" _An akumatized Rose is way safer..."_

"Chloe, I need you to bitch." The blond's eyes bugged out at the instruction. "I need you to bitch about Juleka harder than you've ever bitched before in your life."

Chloe whispered back through her teeth, "You nuts? She'll kill me!"

"Or my plan will work and we'll get Rose back. Either way it's a win-win. Now do the one thing you're good at and bitch, you bitch!"

Chloe angrily shut her eyes and dug down deep. She dipped into the long years of being alone, seeing her mother walk away from the family the day before her 6th birthday, watching the butler burn the letters meant for mother and hearing how no one knew where she went. Every tragic memory she had buried in herself now surfaced at the same time and carved into her a void that could only be filled by either love or hate.

She chose hate.

"Oh! You playing the valiant pink knight now? What, is Juleka so borderline mute that she can't defend herself? I swear, she's so quiet and pale it's almost like you dug up a corpse just to have someone to hang out with!"

The corner of Rose's unnatural smile cracked.

"And those red eyes? Who is she fooling? Newsflash: red is not a natural eye color! We all know she's wearing tinted contacts like some anime dweeb! I'd call it trying to be cool, but she's just failing at life!"

Rose's mouth started to foam. Marinette worriedly looked up towards the akuma. Just a little longer.

"And those doilies she makes? So passe! I've seen three-fingered, inbred, chimpanzees with more skill!"

Something snapped. The pocket knife twisted in Rose's grip, splitting the 3-inch thick steel padlock it was in wide open. Rose jerked the knife high above her head as her perpetual smile at last broke down into a fierce scowl, "MY BESTEST FRIEND'S DOILIES ARE BEAUTIFUL, YOU WHORE!" Just as she was about to bring the blade back down and do the world a favor, the akuma landed on her knife and shattered.

Marinette moved quickly. She threw her entire body weight against the now ripped open padlock. Her restraint broke free. Still wrapped in a straight jacket of padlocks, Marinette charged Rose as a pair of fashionably neon pink sunglasses appeared on the other girl's face. Tackling her, they both tumbled over the railing and disappeared into the Seine River!

After a few moments of tense silence, an ugly green-skinned, pink-haired Princess Fragrance climbed back onto the bridge! She darkly cackled as she cocked her evil perfume blaster, "Soon, my prince, I will have your love! Muahahahaahaa—"

Ladybug punched her in the face and she dropped like a ton of bricks, defeated. "Wow, that was SO much easier." Within a minute she had de-evilized Rose and everyone waited with bated breath. Finally, the short girl woke up.

"Huh?" Rose looked around, unsure of her surroundings, "What happened? Where am I? Why does my mouth hurt? Did I go to the dentist? Ooh! That'd mean I got free lollipop!"

"Rose, focus!" Ladybug shook the girl's shoulders, "Do you have the urge to kill anybody?"

"Kill? Oh no, I'd never!...Well, actually…" her gaze drifted to Chloe.

"Don't worry," Chloe waved a hand while she left, "I think I'm tapped out on Juleka insults for a while."

"Then nope!" chirped Rose.

"Good enough! I'm done!" Ladybug lassoed her yo-yo on a distant rooftop and said, "Prince Ali, welcome to Paris, I hope today's experience hasn't shined our city in a bad light. I assure you, most of the people here are crazy but harmless." Then she swung away.

Rose gasped and ran to her beloved, "Prince Ali! O-M-A! I've been wanting to meet you!"

"Ah!" Ali hid behind his hands, "Please, I'll do whatever you want, scary pink girl!"

"Really?!" she smiled even wider, "Then I want to show you everything Paris has to offer! The museums, the food, the people!"

He peeked between his fingers and asked warily, "Even the nude beach?"

"I don't know what that is!" she giggled.

"Me neither, but the mayor recommended it," he chuckled, growing more comfortable with her bubbly kindness.

"Ooh! Then we have to go there first! Come on!" She took his arm and lead him into the city to start a magical day neither of their innocent young minds would ever forget, no matter how many years of therapy that followed.

 _Meanwhile at Fu's Massage Shop:_

 _BWOM! BWOM! BWOM!_

"How much longer is this going to take?" Adrien shouted over the gong Fu played over the sick and unconscious Plagg.

"Patience, young gweilo," Fu wisely advised, "After 'Bangarang' come 'Scary Monsters and Nice Sprites.' Healing take time and many Euro."

 _BWOM!BWOM!BWOM!BWOM!BWOM!BWOM!BWOM!BWOM!BWOM!BWOM!_

END

 _Today's life lesson: France has a lotta nude beaches_


	19. THE FINAL CHAPTER

_I started this story a little over a year ago and it has grown such a following. Over 10,000 views! It makes me so happy to have brought laughter to so many!_

 _But it feels like it's time..._

 _ALL GREAT THINGS MUST COME TO AN END!_

 **Tikki Goes to Hell  
** _The Final Chapter of Miraculous Headache  
_ By: I Write Big

There is such a thing as too much. Too much of anything can be dangerous or even life threatening! However, more often than not, having too much can make life repetitive, annoying and pointless.

"I give up," said Hawkmoth.

Ladybug and Chat Noir stared back at the villain with complete dumbfoundedness. Before them stood the man they had been hunting for years. Despite their many attempts at deciphering his secret identity and hideout, they had came no closer to catching him. And now, out of nowhere, right after they had defeated his latest Akuma, the guy just walked up to them in broad daylight and surrendered!

"Whaaa…?" Ladybug appropriately reacted.

"Hmm?" Hawkmoth raised an eyebrow at the two's hesitation. "Oh, right, uh..." He handed his majestic cane to Chat Noir and got on his knees and put his hands behind his head. "Is that better?" he asked.

The heroes looked to each other, both demanding of the other to explain what the hell was going on.

The villain rolled his eyes, "What's the hold up? My pants are getting dirty!"

"You're just… you're..." Ladybug waved her arms erratically as if that would help, "That's it? Over? Done? AFTER EVERYTHING YOU PUT US THROUGH?!"

"Yes," he simply said.

Ladybug's wrench wound pulsed. She ripped the cane from Chat Noir's arms and cracked it in half over Hawkmoth's head.

"Ow," the superpower protected man simply said again.

Ladybug held the splintered end of the cane to the man's throat and roared, "WHY?!"

He leaned back from the scary girl and shrugged, "I don't know if you've been keeping count, but I've akumatized all two million, two hundred forty-one thousand, three hundred forty-six Parisians who live in this city. Some even twice! I've resorted to basically scraping the bottom of the barrel." The three of them turned to the latest Akuma victim they had defeated: a very confused and crazy homeless cat-lady.

"Who'sha? Wha? My kajiggers!" the disturbed woman flailed several cats in protest of something no one else saw.

Hawkmoth continued, "And you've managed to defeat each and every one of them. I'm not stupid. In fact, I'm quite the savvy businessman. So, I know when it's time to hang up my wings." The man smirked at his own little joke.

Ladybug was not amused and dug the splintered cane into Hawkmoth's skin as she said, "Stop smiling. You're going to fucking jail."

 _One call to the police later:_

Officer Roger drove away with Hawkmoth in the backseat. In his dust, he left a crowd of happy people cheering for the heroes on a stage with Mayor Bourgeois.

"It is with great honor that, in memory of the defeat of Hawkmoth, I dedicate this day as Miraculous Day!" the Mayor announced, "Also, all legal bans made during the Akuma scourge are hereby rescinded!"

Everyone applauded.

"Finally!" Nino pulled out his long hidden bottle of bubble soap and blew bubbles to his heart's content.

"My pretties!" Mr. Ramier hugged his now legal pigeons. "Daddy missed you!"

"Eth! Ah! That feelseth so goodeth!" shivered Mr. D'Argencourt.

As Jagged Stone came on stage and started a free impromptu rock concert, Ladybug was still reeling from what had happened. It was all going so fast. An hour ago she had been nearly run over by a hairball the size of a bus! Was this really happening?

"Bugaboo..." Her thoughts were interrupted by the boy who had been her sidekick for so many aggravatingly fought battles. "Since it's really over, I was thinking… we've been keeping our identities a secret from each other to stay safe. And now there's no Hawkmoth… Maybe we could—"

"No." Without another word she lassoed a rooftop and swung away.

 _Later, at Marinette's:_

The heroine transformed back to her civilian persona and entered her bedroom. It seemed so benign without the looming threat of an Akuma. Almost peaceful. Maybe she'd actually have time to redecorate for once instead of having to run out the door almost every hour.

"Whelp, I guess this is goodbye."

Marinette spun around to find Tikki floating by the balcony. An ethereal, grotesque portal made of bones and bloody human flesh erupted into existence behind the demon. As horrifying as the sight was, Marinette was overcome with shock by what Tikki had said. "Goodbye?"

"Hawmoth has never given himself up before. He's always been 'defeated' only for his kwami to escape." Tikki explained, "This is it. No more Akumas. No reason for me to stick around anymore."

Arms clutched to her chest, Marinette was riveted to the spot. She could not believe this was real. This had to be a trick. Some kind of sick test. It couldn't be that easy! A hellish red light shone from the portal and with it came a malevolent whisper, "Tikki, your sentence has been paid in full. You are free. Come, be at peace."

The words brought comfort to the kwami as she floated towards the portal. Only then, when Marinette saw the creature who had tortured her for so many years moving away from her, did it click.

This was real.

This was the end.

This was goodbye.

Before she could stop herself, Marinette reached forward and wrapped the tiny kwami in her arms. She didn't know why, but the girl found herself crying. "I told you to never hug me," she heard Tikki say. For a moment, Marinette feared for her life. And then the demon turned and hugged her back. The endless battles, the neverending arguments, the countless threats to eat her soul. They had all served to forge an unlikely bond between the two.

Not friendship, but something so much more.

Perhaps the closest way to describe it would be 'sisterhood.'

"Marinette, you were just as much of a pain as the rest of humanity…" Tikki pulled out of the hug and smiled at the girl, "but you were the only human who truly got why this superhero thing sucks."

"Uh, Tikki, your face is on fire."

"What?" Tikki wiped one of the many little balls of flame that had started rolling out of her eyes, "No, you idiot, that's just how I cry." She flicked her 'tears' out the window where they set a tree ablaze.

Genuine laughter bubbled between them for the first time since they had met. The approaching firefighter sirens only added to their mirth. The laughter continued until their sides were splitting and they were forced to stop.

Marinette looked to Tikki.

Tikki looked to Marinette.

There wasn't anything else to say.

With a final sniffle, Tikki turned to the portal and entered its miasmic center. The flesh glowed and writhed with unholy energy. The miasma began to engulf Tikki as she gave her host one last smile.

"I guess you deserve to know, Marinette," Tikki sighed with resignation, "Chat Noir's true identity is—"

"Miss Dupain-Cheng!" Marinette woke with a start, her head whipping to and fro from her desk. Her blurry eyes adjusted to the sudden daylight and Miss Bustier standing over her with a lust-filled grin, "If you're interested in sleeping in my classroom, I could make you more _comfortable_..."

"I'm awake! Not sleeping!" Marinette panicked.

The bell rang and her lecherous teacher pouted in disappointment. Marinette looked around. The rest of the class was packing their bags and Alya was posting the last ten seconds to her Pillow Talk Blog. Marinette ran out and ducked into the girl's room. She checked her purse to find Tikki munching on a cookie.

"The fuck do you want?" the kwami grumbled at the interruption of her snack time.

"I, uh..." The words were not coming to her. So many unexpected emotions buzzed about. That dream had been… weird. Hold on, was it a dream? "Even if you knew Chat Noir's identity, you'd never tell me, right?"

"Not even if it would save your life," Tikki responded without hesitation.

That answered that. "So, if Hawkmoth gave up after we defeated every single person in this city, would you go back to hell?"

"You think I'm from hell?" the demon capable of flight, intangibility, possession, soul consumption and the bestowing of supernatural powers gawked. "Thanks for the compliment, Marinette, but every day on this planet stuck with you is hell! To answer your question, I'd probably go insane way before that happened and kill all of humanity."

Marinette believed her. At the same time, though, she was reminded of the bond she had felt between her and the Tikki of her dream. Could it be possible that underneath that harsh, vile exterior hid a heart capable of laughter, tears and the love of a sister? Being an only child, Marinette had no clue what having a sister was like. Perhaps... sisters messed with each other, acted like they despised one another but deep down there was a connection that could never be broken. A closeness they'd only show in private. There was only one way to find out. Marinette threw her arms around Tikki, hugged her tight and held her breath. For what felt like an eternity, nothing happened. Then… Marinette felt Tikki melt into her body.

Not metaphorically like she returned the hug kind of way.

Literally.

Like in a Tikki melded with Marinette's body kind of way.

The cold spot where Tikki had disappeared spread across her skin and numbed her limbs. Marinette's arms moved on their own, slapping herself across the face, giving herself an ultimate wedgie, snapping her bra straps, and finally a full-headed swirly. Tikki floated out of Marinette's body and the girl resumed control, dripping and gasping over the toilet.

"Pull that merde again and I'll show you what true hell is."

Tikki then went back into her purse and ate her cookie.

END

 _APRIL FOOLS! HA! Got'cha!_

 _The status of this story will change back to ongoing on April 2nd. Don't worry, this isn't the end. The end is never near. You'll live forever! Or until the Miraculous TV show really ends! Whichever comes first!_


	20. 13 The Day Mimes Were Cool

_A/N: Here's an exclusive peek at my original notes when I was first thinking up Miraculous Headache!_

 _Outline: rewrite the show but make it hilarious (the humor should be so sophisticated and clever that no one gets the jokes)_

 _NOTE: Chat sounds like shat. HAAAAHAAA! Genius! Use that._

 _Rewrite relationships_

' _Marinette + Adrien = Yandere Marinette_

 _Marinette + Chat Noir = Unintentional Chat Noir Fan Club President_

 _Ladybug + Chat Noir = Unending hatred_

 _Ladybug + Adrien = ...SEE CHAPTER 13'_

* * *

 _PROLOGUE_

 _I stood transfixed at the horrid sight of Miss Bustier's akumatized form. Her once sleek and elegant body was covered in stitches giving her an almost poorly put together doll-like form much like how my grandma dresses. Her suave and sexy hair was grayed and pulled into a bun like how my grandma wears it. Her radiant and slightly tanned skin was withered and discolored like a corpse! Which is also like my grandma because she's dead. The point is she looked like my grandma!_

" _We're getting some major retweets for the zombizou clip," I heard Astruc comment from his desk._

" _Yeah, the fans are debating like crazy over Cat Noir kissing Chloe," agreed Zag. "Good thinking on releasing that trailer to distract them from the Luka fiasco, new janitor guy."_

" _Y-yeah, sure…" I shakily made my way out, "Finished with the bathrooms, see ya next week."_

" _Bye, whatever your name is," waved Zag. "Such a great cleaner."_

 _Through the streets of Paris I wandered like a lost child in the woods. My waifu had been desecrated, tarnished, multilated. Nothing made sense anymore. Before I knew what was happening, I was thrust against a wall and the familiar smell of nicotine assualted my nose._

" _Amelie?"_

" _What did zey do to her?!" she demanded of me. I could see the pain in her face, my pain. "You work zere, tell me! Why did zey do zis to my waifu?!"_

" _Anyone can be akumatized, Amelie," I tried to comfort her as much as I tried to comfort myself, "We knew this day would come."_

" _Oui, but zey did not have to do ZAT!" She shoved her phone in my face which showed the nightmarish creature. My sense of self preservation forced me to turn away lest I throw up. "You see? It iz somewhere between Corpse Bride and Monster High! Disgusting! She deserves better! She deserves…" then it all became too much and Amelie cried into my arms. I found I could no longer hold back the tears either and we were soon a pair of sobbing sad sacks on the street corner._

" _You're right, Amelie," I growled, "Bustier does deserve better! And we're gonna give it to her!"_

" _Us?"_

" _We'll design our own akumatized Bustier and she'll be a hundred times better!"_

" _Oui!"_

" _WE WON'T LET OUR WAIFU DOWN!"_

" _OUI!"_

 _Later:_

 _The two of us stared down at our abomination._

" _This was a mistake."_

" _Oui."_

" _I was in the heat of the moment when I said we should do this but it's clear neither of us has ever drawn anything in either of our entire lives."_

" _Oui."_

" _Did you color her hair with cigarette burns?"_

" _Her hair iz red like fire so I zought it would be creative."_

 _I crumpled the disaster and threw it in the trash. We both collapsed on my couch and watched the wall for bit. I then pulled out my phone and brought up the official akumatized Bustier design from the show again._

" _You know, now that I look at her a second time, she's not that bad."_

 _Amelie looked and shrugged, "Eh." She lit a cigarette._

 _...TO BE CONTINUED…_

* * *

 **Miraculous Headache  
** _Chapter 13: The Day Mimes Were Cool  
_ By: I Write Big

The friendship between Marinette and Alya would under no circumstances be considered normal. Normal friendships are based on trust, shared interests, and caring for the other enough to have their back. This friendship was more based on Alya needing a neverending vein of clumsy accidents for her multiple blogs and Marinette really having no one else to hang out with. Tikki had grasped this in her short time being stuck with Marinette, which is why what happened earlier today confused the kwami.

"Hey! Aren't you the girl who runs that blog about me?" Ladybug asked the camera.

"U-u-uh, yes?" Alya's nervous voice could be heard on the other side.

"'The Ladyblog,' right? I love that site!" the heroine proclaimed and turned to the crowd of reporters she had ignored. "You all should check out the Ladyblog! It's awesome and has a NSFW filter for the kids!"

Marinette looked up from Alya's phone and pretended to be impressed by the video she was the star of, "Wow, Alya, that was awesome."

"It was more than awesome!" Alya danced on her toes in excitement, "I got interview requests! Potential TV show deals! French Ryan Seacrest even gave me his number! Ah! Let's watch it again, but on my laptop!" Alya bounced past the Parole Officer shaped mound of dirt in the roof herb garden and climbed back into Marinette's room.

Tikki floated out into the open and fixed Marinette with a stare, "Why are you being nice to her?"

"Hehehe," an evil grin spread across the girl's lips, "I'm not being nice, this is payback for the years of online humiliation! As Ladybug, I have made her popular and, as Ladybug, I shall overwhelm her with stardom! Soon, the entertainment industry will consume Alya and break her into a shell of the human she once was! Hahaha!"

Tikki was in awe of Marinette's devious plan. For a second, the demon felt actual respect for the human.

"Ladybug?" a mechanical voice asked.

Both looked down at Alya's phone still in Marinette's hand. On the screen were a pair of familiar, red, robotic eyes. Marinette's heart nearly stopped, "DB-M-9K?"

"Salutations! Actually, it's DB-M-9K 2.0 now, but you, Miss Dupain-Cheng, are Ladybug?!" the AI's programming was going ballistic at the revelation. "What grandiose news! This will surely aid in my search of the Universe and their dastardly mistreatment of you, Miss."

"NOBODY CAN KNOW!" screeched Tikki as her jaw unhinged like a snake! Ethereal green smoke siphoned out of the phone and into the kwami's gaping maw! Among the smoke went the red eyes. Marinette was too terror stricken to scream at the supernaturally horrific sight. At last, Tikki shut her mouth, her tiny cheeks bulging like a squirrel who had stuffed too much nuts. A look of disgust came over her and she spat a glowing green loogie into the herb garden.

"What… the fuck?" gasped Marinette.

"I tried to eat its soul," Tikki repeatedly scraped her tongue in disgust, "but it doesn't have one and I don't know what that was. Is it gone?"

With shaky hands, Marinette checked Alya's phone. No red eyes. Actually, hold on... Marinette carefully inspected the videos listed on the screen. There was one missing!

"Tikki, I think you ate Alya's video of me!"

"What?! How would that even work?"

"I don't know! How would eating an _AI's soul_ work?! My revenge is ruined!"

Her mother Sabine then poked her head through the roof door, "Honey, are you alright?"

In an instant, Tikki hid in Marinette's blouse and Marinette put on her fakest smile. "Y'up, mom! Everything's great! Why wouldn't everything be great?!"

"Are you sure? I heard you screaming." Sabine turned to the herb garden with eagerness, "Did you see something move in the dirt? A resurrected parole officer, for example?"

"Nope! Nothing's wrong! World is perfect!" Marinette ran inside, ignoring her mother's odd looks at the dirt.

In her room, she was surprised to find Mylene and her father the school janitor Fred Haprele. "So what's the name of the show again, Fred?" asked Sabine.

Fred took a dramatic pose and pointed to the sky, "'The Amazing Tales of the Mime!' written by and starring the most talented, kickass, and super cool Fred!"

All the girls stared at the proud man.

"Mimes are not cool," said Alya.

"They're more like the opposite of cool," agreed Marinette.

"In China, they're considered a mental illness," informed Sabine.

"That's what I keep telling you, dad! Mimes are monstrous spellcasters who trap innocent people in invisible boxes!" Mylene cowered.

"Come on, girls, I put a lot of work into this!" Fred protested. "If I can make mimes cool for even one show, then I will cease to be a loser and my family won't be ashamed of me!"

"No matter what you do mom's never coming back, dad," Mylene sighed.

Fred puffed out his chest, "She will after she sees my show! I sent her a free front row ticket and fifty Euros to bribe her to come. I got you all tickets as well!"

"Yay..." everyone groaned through fake smiles.

"To make this perfect the only thing I need is my mime hat." Fred looked expectantly at Marinette.

The girl blinked in confusion until she suddenly remembered getting a request in the mail weeks ago. "Oh! Yes!" she said a tad too loudly, "I made that! I certainly did not assume that letter was some kind of stupid joke being pulled by Chloe since there's no such thing as a mime hat! Lemme just go grab it!" Marinette sprinted to her desk and grabbed the first hat she saw, a moldy derby hat she used as a trash can. Dumping the contents on the floor, she rushed back to Fred and presented him the item. "Here it is."

"Ooh! I can't wait to see it!" Fred clapped.

Marinette blinked in confusion at the perfectly visible hat. "...Huh?"

Fred then mimed opening an invisible hat box and peered inside, "It's gorgeous!"

Alya facepalmed, "My Astruc, Mylene, your dad is such a loser!"

"That's why I fear for my future," sulked Mylene, "Genetically speaking, I'm doomed."

"Aha! And you've made a little pocket on the inside like I requested!" Fred poked a finger into the one of the many tears in the hat's lining. He stuck a tiny headshot of Mylene into the hole. "Perfect fit for my good luck charm!"

 _Meanwhile, in Chloe's bedroom:_

"And you can fit your self-esteem in there, too," Chloe randomly said. "Whoa… what?"

Sabrina, dressed as Chat Noir and tied to Chloe's bed, quirked an eyebrow at her, "Uh, why did you say that?"

Chloe rubbed the arm of the Ladybug costume she wore in thought, "Not sure. It was like I was overcome with the urge to bitch at some loser who deserved it. Wait!" She stretched her yo-yo string taut, "Who said you could speak?"

"Oh, I'm so sorry, Mistress!" Sabrina drooled and slipped back into character, "Please, punish me!"

 _Back at Marinette's:_

Fred answered his ringing phone, "Sarah! I was just on my way! I had to pick up my specially made mime hat! Don't worry, I know that the bus leaves in less than half an hour. I'll be there!" He tipped his new hat in what he thought was a cool way, it wasn't, and left the room. "Gotta run, girls! The stage and coolness awaits! I'll make you proud to be related to me, Mylene!"

"I am so sorry you have to bear this burden," Sabine consoled Mylene.

"I'd honestly prefer he was in jail like your husband was, Miss Cheng."

Everyone nodded in complete agreement.

 _Meanwhile, across the city:_

Sarah, the director of 'The Amazing Tales of the Mime!', hanged up her phone in a fit and banged her head against the production's bus. Chris, a lanky tall man who was a near identical twin to Fred, poked his head out.

"What's the excuse this time?" asked Chris.

"He had to pick up his _mime hat_ ," she groaned.

"There's no such thing as a mime hat."

"Yeah, I know, Chris. This entire play has been one excuse after another. You'd think the loser would be on time to act in a play _he wrote_! But there's always something! 'Sorry, Sarah, I'm such a loser that I don't have any friends so nobody can drive me to rehearsal! Sorry, Sarah, I have to leave early because I'm such a loser no one is willing to watch my daughter! Sorry, Sarah, I'm such a loser that I think that mimes wear MIME HATS!'"

Chris grabbed her shoulders, "What are we doing helping this loser, Sarah? We could make this terrible play into a show worthwhile!"

"But how?"

"You leave that to me," Chris devilishly smirked and tipped his hat in a way that actually was cool.

 _Back at Marinette's:_

Mylene finished her cup of coffee and continued talking with a sigh, "...and that's how dad tried to become cool by selling his kidney to the black market. Now, the harvesters have our address and keep stopping by to 'hang out' but they're really there to check if dad's dead yet so they can grab his other kidney. Dad's just happy somebody visits."

Marinette and Alya awkwardly stared at Mylene, now remembering why they don't really spend time with her.

 _Ring! Ring!_

"Oh thank Astruc! I mean, my phone's ringing! Excuse me," Alya reached into her bag but it was Marinette who produced the phone from her pants. Marinette nervously looked at the device, still worried about the missing video. Not only was her revenge ruined, but if Alya found out, she could use that against Marinette. "Oh, thanks for holding on to that, girl," Alya took back the phone, "You're the best friend I could ask for. Holding on to the things I care the most about and making sure nothing bad happens to them. Ever."

Marinette nodded, "Y'up, that's me. Pardon my reach, I totally love holding full cups of coffee over other people's phones. Oh no, I'm clumsily tripping!"

"Gotta get going, Mylene," Alya stood up, pulling away her phone just out of range of Marinette's fall and stuffing the device into her bag. "Need to... get changed for your dad's show! Yeah, that sounds believable."

"I'll walk with you," volunteered Mylene.

Alya sighed, "Fine, but we're only talking about me and this amazariffic video I got of Ladybug today—"

"NO!" a coffee and porcelain covered Marinette tackled Alya to the floor. With little regard to discretion, Marinette took Alya's phone from her bag. To anyone else, it would have been obvious that they had just been robbed. To Alya, her butt had just been fondled by Marinette and was left blushing redder than Nathaniel when he saw Miss Bustier in a bikini. "Your, uh, bag was open and I closed it! Be safe!" Marinette explained.

Alya kept staring straight ahead in a zombie-like trance and walked out, muttering, "I like guys, I like guys, I like girls—GUYS! GAH! Blog! Must blog!" Alya tore at her hair and ran out.

Mylene followed her.

"I think Alya is in denial about something," Tikki observed as she flew out of her hiding spot.

"Not important!" screeched Marinette and went upstairs.

 _Meanwhile, across the city:_

Fred was as happy as could be! In fact he was so happy, he was singing!

"Oooooh, I'm going to be cool~! No longer will I be called a tool! I'll show the world how cool I can be! Even if I only got one kidney!" Thankfully, his phone rang and he paused his terrible song to answer. "Chris! I'm almost there—"

"Fred! How you doing, buddy? Listen, I just called to let you know we moved the meetup spot."

"Moved?" Fred turned the corner and found the bus ten feet in front of him, "But the bus is right here, I can see it. And I can see you too. Hi Chris!"

Chris spun around and his face went pale at the sight of Fred. He dove into the bus, locked the door and poked his head out the window. "Sorry, what I meant to say is there's not enough room for you on the bus."

"What about the empty seat right next to you?"

Sarah poked her head out too, "Sorry, Fred, we need that seat for all the props."

"Props?" Fred scratched his head, "I thought I mimed the props. Eh, don't worry, guys, I brought my own seat." Fred began to mime folding out a chair and sat on it. He then fell backwards on his ass because THERE WAS NO CHAIR!

Chris groaned at the loser, "Fred, just go to the Louvre. We'll unload at the stage and send the bus back to get you."

"But—"

The bus zoomed away. Fred mimed being splattered with mud kicked up by the bus tires and trudged towards the museum across town.

 _Back at Marinette's:_

"At first, I was impressed with your plot for revenge," Tikki said, patting Marinette's head, "but, as with everything you do, it has ended in disappointment."

"I need your help, Tikki, please!" Marinette begged on her knees. "I can recreate the video, I just need you to turn me into Ladybug without having to save anyone!"

"The last time I did that, you created a time paradox!" Tikki folded her arm nubs.

"I swear I'll be careful this time! We're just gonna go outside, hire some homeless people to pose as news reporters, shoot the video and come right back! No time paradox this time, PLEASE! If Alya finds out, you know she'll blackmail me like a total bitch!"

Seconds of tense silence ticked by and neither moved a muscle. At last, Tikki narrowed her disturbing eyes, "I'm driving."

"...Driving? What do you mean by—" Suddenly, Marinette understood and covered her chest in fear. "You...You can't possess me while you're Ladybug, that doesn't make any sense."

Tikki leaned closer, "Since when did anything make sense? I drive or I watch you become Alya's personal chew toy. Take it or leave it."

Marinette whimpered but reluctantly let her arms drop. Tikki flew forward and melted into the girl's body. Marinette felt the icy cold spot spread down her spine, up her neck and to the tips of her fingers. Without her consent, her lips moved on their own and the now familiar deathly voice rattled out her throat, "Spots on!" In a flourish of red she became Ladybug and swung out the window.

 _Later at the Louvre:_

Fred was miming leaning against a pole and continuing his awful song. "My family will no longer disown me! I will make them all see! Fred Haprele is as cool as can be!"

"Package for Fred Haprele?" called a mailman. "Got something for a loser named Fred?"

"That's me!" Fred signed the clipboard and tore open the package. Inside was photo of Sarah and Chris flipping him off while drawing a mustache on Fred's face on the play poster. "What?! What's the meaning of this?" He turned over the photo to find a note that said 'You're off the show, LOSER!'

Unkempt, long held back fury clawed its way to Fred's heart. He shredded the photo and roared to the heavens. "That's it! No more nice Fred! I'm done! I'm not standing for this anymore! You can take my dignity! You can take my kidney! But nobody takes my play! Hawkmoth, I give my soul to you! Transform me into your most vile servant! MUAHAHAHAAHAA!"

 _Meanwhile:_

At the top of a tower hidden somewhere in Paris, a great spiral window opened, illuminating the haunting figure of a man having serious second thoughts.

"Mmmmmmm..." Hawkmoth bit his fist in hesitation, "Is there anyone else who is angry?" The supervillain used his powers to scan around Paris.

He found Sarah, Chris and the rest of the play cast dancing wildly on the bus.

"Too happy."

He found Alya blogging relentlessly on her laptop while screaming, "I'll blog you out, impure thoughts!"

"Too confused."

He found Sabine smashing a shovel against a body shaped mound of dirt in an herb garden, "Live, dammit!"

"I don't want to know," Hawkmoth concluded and massaged his head in disappointment. "Okay, I guess today is Fred's day. Whoopee..." He weakly sent one his dark butterflies through the window.

 _Back at the Louvre:_

With the grace of a puppet being controlled with strings of spaghetti, a possessed Ladybug set up Alya's phone on a ledge and started recording. Her icy joints cracked as she robotically swung back into frame. Her neck audibly snapped towards the phone and her empty, lifeless eyes addressed the camera, "Hey, aren't you the girl who runs that blog about me? The Ladyblog, ri—"

A stray cat then walked into the shot and knocked the camera into a trashcan. Ladybug appropriately reacted by using her super strength to throw the cat over the museum.

Marinette could only mentally whine at what her body was doing against her will. She took comfort in that it was only for a couple more minutes. It was so weird being possessed. It was like she was sitting in the passenger seat of a moving car and she could only watch the road pass by. She took notice of the random civilians giving her odd looks, the multiple posters for Mr. Haprele's stupid play and… wait, was someone laughing evilly?

A couple feet away, Fred chuckled as he maliciously held out his headshot of Mylene for the approaching black butterfly. The insect shattered on the object and fashionably neon pink butterfly-themed sunglasses appeared on his face.

"Ground rules!" Hawkmoth started. "We are not friends, we are not buddies. I am your master. Got it?"

Fred nodded, "Oh yeah, definitely, absolutely, nothing to worry about, crystal clear, 100%, no problemo, message receiv—"

"STOP TALKING!" Hawkmoth wondered if it was too late to go with Sabine. "You know what, I don't care. This is just a day that I am not going to win. So, just do whatever, fail and get it over with so I can find someone better."

Bubbling darkness engulfed Fred and he was turned into… a purple mime...

"I hate my life," grumbled Hawkmoth.

The Mime silently faced the multiple posters that lined the Louvre wall. Each was a painful reminder of his failure as an aspiring actor. Gritting his teeth, The Mime pantomimed drawing an invisible katana and in microseconds sliced them into ribbons.

Hawkmoth blinked. That was unexpectedly impressive. "...Go on."

The people around him took notice and proceeded to panic. A police car wailing its siren approached. The Mime pulled out an invisible golf club, took a confident stand in the middle of the road and, with one powerful swing, launched the car high into the air!

Hawkmoth gawked, "...Oh..."

Officer Roger in the flying car gawked, "...my..."

Ladybug, who caught the flying car with one finger, gawked, "...Astruc."

Marinette, still trapped in Ladybug, whispered, ' _He's so cool.'_

As Ladybug safely dropped the police car, The Mime gave her a cocky smirk, cocked his hip to the side and cocked something invisible in his grip. For a second, Ladybug thought he had drawn a bow and arrow. Then she remembered bows don't have _triggers_.

RATATATATATATATA!

' _GUNS? SINCE WHEN COULD THEY HAVE GUNS?!'_ Marinette cried from inside her head as Ladybug dashed to the side, spinning her yo-yo rapidly into an impenetrable shield.

Meanwhile Hawkmoth was giddily jumping while trying to talk on his butterfly-themed phone, "Nathalie, I'm going to have to cancel coming to see the mime play with my son. Something uh… really like 220% cooler just came to my attention."

 _Meanwhile, in Adrien's car:_

Nathalie groaned back into the phone, "Sir, I already ordered you the butterfly nightlight." She half-listened to his excuses and eventually hanged up. "Apologies, Adrien," she said to the boy sitting next to him, "Your father can't make it."

"That's okay!" Adrien gave two big thumbs up with the brightest smile, "I brought my back up, just in case." He pulled out a googly-eyed sock puppet that crudely resembled Gabriel Agreste. "You ready to see the play, Father?" Adrien asked the sock.

"You betcha, son!" Sock Father nodded and gave Adrien a kiss on the cheek.

Just then, something red landed in the car's path and Ape-man swerved to avoid a collision. When the dust cleared, Adrien looked out his window and came face to face with Ladybug mid-battle.

"Keep moving, citizen," she instructed in a rather lifeless voice, "I will keep the villain at bay..." she glanced at him and froze.

' _Oh no!'_ gasped Marinette from within, ' _Adrien's here and he's so close! Those dreamy pools of green are looking right at me!'_ She was moments from collapsing into a puddle of hormones when she realized something. ' _He's looking at me...me… Hold on, I'm not Marinette, right now. I'm Ladybug._ ' The freezing aura began to flow out of her body. ' _With this mask on, I'm not the nervous, stuttering, hair-sniffing girl who sits behind him in class. I'm Ladybug!'_ She felt control return to her limbs and her mouth. She leaned closer towards Adrien. ' _I have nothing to be scared of because…'_

She confidently smiled, seductively licked her lips and playfully growled, "Bonjour, hot stuff, I'm Ladybug."

Adrien squeaked and covered his crotch.

Sock Father gaped.

Ladybug reached in and dragged a spandex covered finger across Adrien's bottom lip, "Why don't you get your sexy fine self to a safe place while I take care of this big bad man?"

"...Okay," Adrien wheezed and tumbled out the other side of the car. He only got a few steps of running with Nathalie and Ape-man before he ducked around a corner.

The coast clear, Plagg floated out, "Whoa, man, you just got stricken by a vixen."

Adrien clutched at his rapidly beating heart, "What the hell was that? I've never seen Ladybug like this! She's always sassy and turns me down with physical violence! She's never EVER come on to me! Father, what's happening?!" Adrien shook Sock Father in desperation.

"How the hell should I know? You're the one making me talk!"

Plagg stepped in, "The inner machinations of the female mind are an enigma. As a guy, the only thing you have to worry about is: are you into it?" Plagg pointed to Adrien's groin, "I'd say yes."

"Gah!" Adrien covered his crotch again, "Curse you, revealing skin-tight jeans! Plagg, claws out!" In a blast of black, he became Chat Noir. Hoping the fight would clear his head, he stood up… and covered his crotch again! "Curse you, revealing skin-tight leather spandex!"

Around the corner, Ladybug was naughtily giggling to herself about what she had said to Adrien, "Oh wow, that felt so good! After months of being a hot mess around him, I'm the one making Adrien blush! Ooh, I wonder if I can get him to stutter! He'd sound so cute—" Ladybug blinked. "Wait, I'm talking out loud. When did Tikki stop possessing me?"

BLAM!

Ladybug was launched across the road. She looked back to see one of the parked cars had exploded into a ball of fire. Nearby, The Mime reloaded what seemed to be an invisible rocket launcher!

"Okay, seriously, can we not get Fred back? Because I don't care that you're trying to kill me, you're so fucking cool!" Ladybug cheered at her own demise!

The Mime fired! Still recovering, Ladybug couldn't get up in time to dodge! Just then, Chat Noir leaped into view and batted the invisible rocket with his staff! With a mighty THUNK, they heard the rocket veer off course.

"Talk about an _explosive_ entrance, am I right?" he snickered. Renewed strength convulsed through Ladybug and she punched Chat Noir on the chin. Strangely, the injury brought the cat hero relief, "Phew, that's the Lady I know."

"You idiot!" she throttled his neck.

"Is that how you say thanks for saving your life?" he choked.

"I have ultimate luck, remember?! It would've never hit me! You launched an invisible rocket into the air over Paris! Wherever it blows up, no one will see it coming!" Ladybug, Chat Noir and The Mime all looked up in fear of the unseeable, looming death. Freaking out, The Mime hopped into an invisible car and drove away. "After him!" Ladybug ordered and lassoed a rooftop.

A couple blocks away, The Mime swerved between traffic, barreling down the city streets at top speed. He heard something hit his invisible roof and he looked up to see the two heroes standing above him. With a cool smirk, he pointed a fist at them with his trigger finger bent.

Chat Noir went pale.

"I'm sensing a pattern here," sighed Ladybug.

BANG! BANG! BANG!

As Chat Noir barely dodged unseen bullets that ripped through the transparent car roof, Ladybug slouched and sighed as the ammunition miraculously missed her each and every time. "He's really into guns. He can summon anything out of nothing and he keeps pulling out guns. That's disappointing," she groaned. Ladybug leaned over the side and stuck her head through the window, "Come on—" BANG! The point blank shot to her forehead missed. "Are guns the only thing you can think of? I thought you were _cool_."

The Mime's eye twitched at that last word. With a silent growl he punched an invisible button next to the invisible steering wheel. They heard machinery grind and gears wind as the three were raised higher into the air. Getting their balance again, the heroes saw The Mime was now running on thin air at least four stories above the people. On the road, giant box-like footprints embedded themselves into the cobblestone, marking their path.

"Transformer?" Ladybug grinned. "We're on a Transformer!"

"Or maybe it's a Gundam!" suggested Chat Noir.

"Fuck you! It was a car and it turned into a robot! It's a Transformer!"

Before the debate could continue, a pair of invisible robotic hands gripped the heroes and threw them up the street! When the duo came back down, they landed on a particular bus driving towards the Eiffel Tower.

"Oh, isn't that lucky. We landed on the bus he's after," Ladybug grumbled.

Chat Noir asked, "What makes you think that?"

"Just a hunch," she pointed down. The back of the bus had a large poster for 'The Amazing Tales of the Mime!' plastered on it. On cue, The Mime smashed around the corner, using his invisible Transformer to shove aside multiple cars that made the mistake of being in his way. Ladybug casted out her yo-yo and the unbreakable string wrapped itself hundreds of times between two light poles, forming an unyielding net. The Transformer hit the immovable wall and The Mime launched himself out of the robot. Mid-air, he strapped on an invisible jetpack and flipped a switch. He was carried by the thrusters the rest of the way to the bus.

Both heroes gaped at the accomplishment.

"He's the coolest," whispered Chat Noir.

"I know, right?" whispered Ladybug.

The Mime smirked and drew an invisible sword.

"A sword fight, huh?" chuckled Chat Noir as he extended his staff. "Too easy."

"I hate to admit, Mime, but Chat's right," Ladybug shrugged, "This dumbass defeated a fencing master while he had concussion. You don't stand a chance."

There was a brief moment of silence. Then The Mime flicked his wrist and from the sword in his grip came a noise that had been embedded into the mind of every child on Earth since 1977. A noise of crackling energy that could make mincemeat out of the strongest metal. A noise that told Chat Noir he was totally screwed. It wasn't a sword, it was a _freaking lightsaber_!

Chat Noir narrowed his eyes at Ladybug, "What did I ever do to you?"

"You existed," she sassed back.

Again, that stinging insult for some reason brought strange relief to him, "Bugaboo, don't ever change—AHHH!" He got out of the way of The Mime's swipe at the last second. In his place was a sliced, melting hole in the bus' rooftop. The slicing and dicing was relentless and Chat Noir was scrambling to stay in one piece. As much as Ladybug was enjoying the show, she knew she had to help. With an annoyed eye roll, she ran to the bus' door and dove in through the glass.

"You have to stop the bus!" she yelled at the driver. "There's an akuma on top and he's gonna chop this thing to piec—!"

"Behind the yellow line," the driver said with disinterest.

"...Huh?"

"Passengers need to stay behind the yellow line," the driver calmly pointed to the yellow line in the floor behind him. The man seemed completely unfazed by the chunks disappearing from his vehicle.

"Really?" Ladybug shouted, "We're doing this old routine where you won't listen to a word I say unless I stand—"

"Behind the yellow line," he nodded.

Ladybug's wrench wound pulsed and she slowly did what he said and then kept going until she reached the back of the bus. The heroine stood there looking out the rear window as more melting holes opened above her.

Sarah and Chris stared at her off putting behavior. "Uh, Ladybug," prodded Sarah, "What's going on up there?"

Ladybug spun around and charged at the front of the bus, screaming her head off the entire way! She leaped fists first and tore through dashboard! The polkadotted Amazon breached the hood like a whale breaching the ocean's surface! In her arms she hefted the now disconnected bus engine! With no more thrust, the bus sputtered and slowly came to a halt in front of the Eiffel Tower.

Chat Noir came tumbling down in front of the bus! The Mime was close behind, still trying to skewer the hero! Ladybug threw the engine at the villain but he easily cut it in half! The distraction was enough for Chat Noir to get a safe distance from The Mime.

The three stared each other down in a stalemate, waiting for the other to make a move.

Then they heard a whistling coming from above.

"INCOMING!" screamed Chat Noir.

He and The Mime frantically swung their weapons in the air over and over as Ladybug watched in annoyance.

THUNK!

Chat Noir's entire body shook as his staff struck something invisible and the rouge rocket was sent off into the sky again. "Okay, I think it's gone."

The Mime then clasped his hands on something that rang of metal and twirled his entire body, dragging something heavy. It banged into the bus, indenting something huge and spherical into the vehicle's side.

"Wrecking ball!" cried Chat Noir.

The heroes dodged the attack and the weapon kept swinging until it smashed into one of the legs of the Eiffel Tower. Many of the citizens stared in awe.

"What was that?" asked one.

"Did he break the tower with his mind?" suggested another.

"That's so cool!" cheered a third.

The rest agreed and soon a crowd had gathered around the fight to see The Mime in action. The villain himself strapped something to his back and pointed his fists at the heroes. Pillars of fire erupted from his arms! Ladybug spun her yo-yo into a shield and covered Chat Noir.

"Things are getting _heated_ , huh?" he smirked.

She growled, "I am this close to stepping aside and letting you burn to a crisp!"

The flames abruptly stopped and the heroes looked at The Mime to see him bite something invisible out of his fist. He then lazily tossed whatever was in his grasp at the two.

"Grenade!" the duo shouted and scrambled to get away.

KABLAM! The force knocked both off their feet. As ringing slowly left her ears, Ladybug started to hear chanting around them. A huge audience had formed on the edges of the battlefield. It was as if all of Paris was there and they were chanting the same word over and over.

"Mime! Mime! Mime! Mime! Mime!"

"For the love of…" she shouted at them, "He's the bad guy!"

"Yeah, but he's so cool!" shouted a random watcher.

The Mime sauntered towards his targets, basking in the praise of the people. He ignited his lightsaber again to loud applause.

...boom…

It was soft, distant and much quieter than the explosions that had carved up the sidewalk but it still caught everyone's attention. A small flash of orange lit up the blue sky and the city stopped to stare. A moment later, the jumbotrons turned on and Mayor Bourgeois spoke.

"Citizens of Paris, an invisible rocket has struck a secret satellite carrying warhead levels of nuclear materials! Normally, it would be my civic duty to tell you to evacuate, but I have been informed that we're basically doomed. So… oh no, they're all gonna panic now, aren't they?"

The jumbotrons shut off and the entire population screamed in terror.

"SHUT UP!"

Everyone froze and looked at Ladybug, "I have magic, remember? There's no need to lose our minds." Ladybug tossed her yo-yo in the air, "Lucky Charm!" and down came a polkadotted shoebox! "...Okay, forget what I said. We're all gonna die."

The entire population resumed screaming in terror.

In the chaos, Chat Noir leaned heavily on Ladybug's shoulder with smoochy lips, "Well, LB, shall we make our last moments on this Earth _memorable?_ "

Before Ladybug could rip off his wiggling eyebrow, The Mime approached the two and removed his hat. He solemnly opened the shoebox in Ladybug's hands and placed the hat inside. He then pantomimed putting on a full-head helmet and flipped down the visor. The Mime then marched across the street towards the Seine.

"What... is he doing?" Ladybug looked between the villain and what was most likely the source of the Akuma now in her possession. Was this a trap?

The Mime reached the water's edge and pressed an invisible button on his chest. Immediately, something massive crashed into the river, splashing a tsunami's worth of droplets into the clouds. As the water rained back down, Paris saw the outline of an invisible behemoth standing in their city. Reaching higher than any building was an invisible giant mime mecha. The machine reached down and picked up The Mime. The villain took his seat in the invisible cockpit, pressed several invisible buttons and took off.

The Parisians watched the trail of smoke ascend towards the tumbling satellite. Cameras livestreamed the journey across the world. Every screen on the planet saw the image of the purple mime flying to space.

"...Dad?" asked Mylene in wonder when she saw the feed on her computer.

"Fred?" whispered Sarah in amazement amongst the acting troupe that had abandoned him.

"He's actually saving us? Why?!" asked an astonished Ladybug.

Chat Noir patted her shoulder, "Because, M'Lady, he's so…"

Fred's ex-wife who was in the middle of scalping her play tickets whispered up to the sky, "He's so…"

Lost for words, Hawkmoth could only watch his servant break through the atmosphere and muttered, "He's so..."

The Mime reeled back his mechanical fists the size of skyscrapers, swung at the falling satellite and spoke for the first time a single word, "Cool."

 _Later, under the Eiffel Tower:_

"And so ends The Amazing Tales of The Mime!" narrated Chris on stage to the audience to great cheers. Among the crowd, Marinette was enjoying her own show by simply being in Adrien's presence for several uninterrupted hours. "Thus, the coolest man ever known sacrificed himself to save us."

"I didn't die, guys!" Fred protested from the side stage. "Ladybug de-evilized me and saved my life with Miraculous Ladybug!"

"No one cares that you survived, loser!" Chris screamed back. He then bowed to the crowd, "Thank you for coming to the show!"

* * *

 _Later that night, outside a theater:_

"So… let me get this straight," Alya recounted Marinette's tale. "As I was leaving your house, my phone fell out of my bag and tiny, scaly gremlins scampered out of the sewage line and nabbed my phone so they could delete all of my videos. However, you saw what they were up to and got my phone back from the gremlins—"

" _Sewer_ gremlins," Marinette corrected.

"Sewer gremlins by using some of your bakery's stale baguettes as clubs. And for the rest of the day you've been running from these sewer gremlins who have been chasing you relentlessly. This chase included a fiasco in the local dump, which is why my phone smells like a cat pushed it into a trashcan. It was only after you discovered through extensive research in an abandoned mystical library that sewer gremlins turn to stone in moonlight that you got the brilliant idea to trap the sewer gremlins in a cage and petrify them."

"And then I threw their stone corpses into the Seine and therefore saved your phone from future harm!" concluded Marinette. "But before any of that happened those pesky sewer gremlins managed to delete that video you took of Ladybug today."

"And as an apology, you've arranged a surprise for me in this theater."

"Y'up, it's my way of saying sorry for not being quicker than those sewer gremlins."

"Eh," Alya shrugged. "I'll just download a copy of the copy I already posted on the Ladyblog."

"...RIGHT!" shouted Marinette, the girl's forced smile nearly snapping her face in half, "Because you upload _everything_ which means you never lost anything making today _POINTLESS!_ " Marinette began to hyperventilate.

"I know, isn't technology great? Anyway, thanks for whatever the surprise is, Marinette. I'm sure I'll love it." Alya skipped into the theater.

Marinette groaned down at Tikki, "I'm so sorry, I can't believe I—"

"Do you still want revenge?" Tikki asked.

"...Um, yes...?" answered Marinette.

"Then do what you did earlier," Tikki grinned.

 _Inside the theater:_

"Hello?" Alya's voice echoed across the dimly lit empty hall.

"Over here," another voice called. Alya followed it to the stage to find none other than Ladybug on a couch. She was lounging on her side, her limbs folded to show off her body in just the right way. She regarded the bespectacled girl with half-lidded bedroom eyes. "I thought I should give my number one reporter a _private interview_." The way she said those last words with her lips puckered made every hair on Alya's head stand on end.

To most people, this was an opportunity of a lifetime to have an exclusive one-on-one interview with a real life superhero! To Alya, she was being seduced by the most eligible girl in Paris!

Alya's body twitched, "I...I-I-I-I"

"Why don't you join me on the couch?" Ladybug's arm slowly glided down her body, taking extra time to caress her curves before she patted the seat next to her. "You can sit right next to me and ask any question you like. I'll even let you touch my supersuit." The heroine stretched the spandex covering her Amazonian thigh and let it go with a SNAP! It was at this point that sexy sax music start playing in Alya's head.

"I like guys, I swear!" a red-faced Alya ran out, blogging as hard as she could.

"...I think Alya is in denial about something," Marinette said as she de-transformed.

"Not important," yawned Tikki.

 _Meanwhile, on Marinette's roof:_

"I give up!" Sabine dropped her dozens of gardening supplies "I've tried fertilizers, mineral deposits, blood sacrifices but no matter what I do, you won't come back to life!" She glared at the parole officer mound in the dirt of her herb garden. Like the last few weeks, nothing happened. The woman groaned and heavily sat down, "I just don't know how to give you that little touch of magic."

As if responding to that last word, a glimmer of majestic green shimmered amongst the plants. Sabine slowly pulled aside the herbs to find a softly glowing green glob. This must be it! The magic of the garden! The answer to how she'd get her husband back! Quick as can be, she scooped the glob with her trowel and dropped it on the buried body's head. The slime oozed between the rocks and the corpse underneath the earth was illuminated with an ethereal light that shone high into the heavens.

"It's working? YES! IT'S WORKING!" clapped Sabine. "IT'S ALIVE! IT'S ALIVE! HAHAAHAHAAHA!"

Sabine insanely laughed as her successfully resurrected creature stood on shaky legs, wiped the dirt from their face and glanced at her with a pair of red, robotic eyes.

"Salutations."

END

 _: DB.M.9K 3.0 activated_


	21. 14 In the Beginning, There Was A Turtle

_A/N: Part 1 of longest chapter... GO!_

 _PROLOGUE_

 _"The time is upon us, my children!" the heavily cloaked cult leader waved his ornate scepter over his equally heavily robed followers. "The planets have aligned and thanks to the miracle of modern day technology, we will be able to revive the Dark Lord!"_

 _"Hail! Hail!" chanted crowd._

 _"Now, I must ask everyone to turn of the wifi on their devices," the leader instructed. "The cosmic window of opportunity is short and our internet access must be at full strength!" A fantastical beam of light shined down from the night sky and hit a red crystal that sat on a podium. The great screen behind the leader crackled on and a great loading bar began to fill._

 _"It is here!" the leader proclaimed, "The puny mortal world ends tonight!"_

 _"Hail! Hail!" the crowd chanted again._

 _Every person watched in sadistic glee as the crystal shook with ethereal energy and the loading bar flew past the midway point._

 _60%_

 _70%_

 _80%_

 _85%_

 _86%_

 _85%_

 _80%_

 _"Hey! What the hell? I wasn't kidding about the cosmic window being short, guys," the leader shouted. "Who's still using the internet?!"_

 _Next door..._

 _"Are you sure the neighbors are okay with us using their wifi?" asked Lappy._

 _"I'm just uploading the next chapter," I shrugged as I typed. "What's the harm?"_

 _With the neighbors..._

 _"RUN! IT'S GONNA BLOW!" ordered the leader. The loading bar stayed at 85% and the red crystal vibrated more and more. The energy within cracked the gem and rays shot out. Fires broke out and many cultists were trampled as they tried to escape._

 _TO BE CONTINUED_

* * *

 **Miraculous Headache  
** _Chapter 14: In the Beginning, There Was A Turtle...  
_ By: I Write Big

Ladies and chats, this is the moment you've waited for… Been searching in the dark, your sweat soaking through the floor… and buried in your bones there's a need that you can't ignore. Holding your breath, stealing your mind and all that was real is left behind.

Welcome to the origin story! The first chapter in all its glory! Come read and I'll tell you how they came to be the greatest pair of French heroes in history! You'll find out everything you wanted to know! How they met, how they fight and how they'll grow!

Let us begin with a final rhyme!

Dear Readers, once upon a time…

In Paris, France, a man was standing in his unlit and very dusty attic. Amongst the cluttered cardboard boxes and cobwebbed cobwebs, he was inspecting an odd broach that he had come across in the Far East, designed to resemble a butterfly… or a moth…

"Okay, when you say 'anything'...?" he asked the small purple creature that had appeared when he touched the broach.

The disturbing monstrosity that called itself Nooroo rasped a rattling chuckle that froze the man's very soul, "Heeheeheehee, when I say the Earrings of the Ladybug and the Ring of the Black Cat can grant you 'anything', I mean _anything_." Nooroo flew to the man's ear and whispered sweetly, "Consider the possibilities… the mayhem you could spread… the governments you could topple… the unlimited riches—"

"Yeah, gonna stop you right there," the man interrupted and turned on the light, "I am Gabriel fucking Agreste. I am the definition of rich."

"Oh..." Nooroo fumbled on how to continue, "Well, you could always be richer."

"BAHAHAAHAHAAH! Oh, you're serious? No!" Gabriel shook his head, "No, if anything I'm too rich. I have so much money that I could house and feed the world's homeless population for the next century and not break a sweat. I just choose not to."

"Really?"

"I'm so rich that if I got into a dick measuring contest with Tony Stark, Bruce Wayne, and Chloe's Uncle Donald, I could afford to bribe all three to publicly forfeit on international TV and still have enough money left over to produce a six season Netflix original series based on said dick measuring contest."

"That was so specific I feel like you fantasize about doing that."

"I'm so rich," Gabriel leaned forward and whispered, "I own people."

Nooroo blinked, "What… like slaves?"

"I prefer prisoners-with-jobs," shrugged Gabriel. "So, whatever you're offering, strange pink Mini-Mothra—"

"I'm more of a purple," Nooroo pointed out.

"—It had better be good."

"Uh..." Nooroo looked around uncomfortably. "I mean… there has to be something you want that money can't buy."

"Something that money can't buy?" Gabriel considered the completely alien idea, "Hmm. I was planning to pay for my vanished wife to be cloned but if you could magically bring her back…"

"Ooh! Resurrecting the dead! Classic!" applauded Nooroo.

"I didn't say she died. I said she vanished," Gabriel corrected.

"What's the difference?"

"You can't say 'died' on a kid's show."

"Whatever, I can work with that." In a sparkle of what Gabriel could only assume was magic, the pendant he always kept over his heart appeared in his hand. It opened and the picture inside of his missing beloved shined brightly. Nooroo cleared its throat and resumed its horrifyingly evil speech, "Always will there be those who fear such power… The power to bend any to your will… To even keep the ones you love from dy—"

"Vanishing."

"Fuck you! Yes, _vanishing_."

Nooroo's promises entranced the man, "How can I wield such power?"

"Make a pact with me," Nooroo instructed with a toothy grin. "Combined, we will enslave this city and the entire world with it. We can transform anyone into a supervillain and those with the Miraculous I recquire will show themselves in the chaos and they will be yours."

"Of course," the man clutched the broach with greed, "As your new master, I shall—" the man choked. He grabbed at his suddenly constricted throat. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn't breath. Nooroo floated close to his face with pure anger flaring in its demonic eyes.

"Never forget this, puny human. I am the master. You obey me." The unseen force let the man go and he collapsed to his knees, gasping for breath. "Now rise, my newest apprentice, and take your role at my side as Hawkmoth."

"Yes, my master," the feeble man nodded. "Nooroo, dark wings rise." In an eruption of silver and purple, he became Hawkmoth! The unholy magic spread across the attic, morphing the building's structure into a much higher ceiling. The humble window overlooking the backyard widened into a massive butterfly-themed window that spied upon the entirety of Paris. The newly born villain grasped the intricate head of his his new cane and cackled at the surge of untempered power flowing through his veins. "Yes... Yes! OH BABY YES! Soon Paris will learn to cower at the very mention of Hawkmoth! MUAAHAHAAH—"

Nathalie entered.

Hawkmoth froze, his arms still raised in mid-gloat, and stared wide-eyed at his assistant. She stared back at him with complete disinterest.

He hid his cane behind his back and said, "Nathalie, I… I can explain—"

"I don't care. Your son ran away. Again."

"...And?"

"And this time he made it over the gate." She shut the door and left.

* * *

 _Meanwhile, across the city:_

An ancient mystical record player was going completely crazy and belting out old show tunes.

"Aw, merde," grumbled Master Fu.

"Uh, sir, is your player alright?" asked the man lying under Fu's feet.

"No, is secret signal. Let me know ancient Lord of Evil has returned and entire world screwed. Me end massage early. No refund." Fu then shoved the stupid gweilo out the door. He turned to come face to face with the green abomination that had been signaling him from the record player.

"I sensed Nooroo. You said you took care of that maniac!" accused Wayzz.

"What? When me say that?" Fu sheepishly smiled.

"After you destroyed the Miraculous Temple with your damn microwave burrito!" The turtle kwami dragged a frustrated nub across his face, "That temple was specifically designed to lock that mad-Kwami away from humanity and you swore to me you took care of it!"

"Oh! Me never say 'took' care, me say 'take' care. Future. Me _take_ care of Nooroo when it come back."

One of Wayzz's bulbous eyes twitched. He sucked in a huge breath and squeaked, "Great! Since Nooroo's back and Earth is in danger again, let's _TAKE_ care of Nooroo! Present tense!"

Fu glanced down at the green charm wrapped around his wrist. "Me cook lunch first?"

"Not hungry."

"Uh…okay… Wayzz..." Fu nervously raised his arm, pointing the charm to the sky, "Wayzz, shell—OW!" He doubled over and rather unconvincingly gripped his spine in fake pain, "Back hurt! Ah! Such shame brought upon me! So old!" Wayzz watched the terrible performance, not buying it for a second, "Too weak! Me no have strength for fight! Is terrible! Must find other to battle Nooroo! Only choice."

Wayzz growled, "You are such a fraud."

* * *

 _Meanwhile, in a little pink bedroom:_

Marinette joyfully sprang from her comfortable mattress. She had slept so well and was more than refreshed and ready to start her first day of school. While humming a gleeful tune, she pranced down the stairs and kissed her mother and father hello.

"Well," chuckled her mother Sabine, "Someone woke up on the right side of the bed. Didn't expect you to be so happy today."

"I don't know what it is, mom." Marinette did a random twirl of joy. "For some reason, today feels like a good day, as if as long as I keep a positive attitude, nothing could possibly get me down."

"That's the spirit!" her father Tom patted her back.

"In fact, I feel like singing!" proclaimed Marinette.

Both her parents blinked at her, "...Figuratively?"

"No!" She poured her breakfast of chocolate milk and bananas and let the song in her heart take hold!

"Everyday in this city feels like rapture!  
I've gotten nothing to do, I'm so booored!  
But I'd rather have it so,  
Than be filled with teenage woe,  
Like a boy crush which would truly be tortuuuure!"

During the impromptu musical number, Marinette scarfed down her meal, grabbed a box of macarons and danced out the door. The ensuing silence inside the bakery of the two adults contemplating whether they had failed as parents would stretch on for hours.

Outside the bakery… a beautiful blue bird joined Marinette with its melodic tweeting.

"Oh, isn't life amazing?  
There's nothing that I would change, you see.  
Sure, I may be cursed with bad luck,  
But if that's all, then I'm totally fine if you ask meee! CAR!"

Marinette screeched that last word and swatted the blue bird away as she saw a vehicle barreling down the road at full throttle! It was heading straight for the intersection before her where a slow, graying, oriental man was struggling to cross with his wooden walking stick! He would never make it! Quick as lightning, Marinette jumped into the crosswalk and forcefully yanked the old man onto the sidewalk. Milliseconds later, the car swerved, tires screeching, and stopped on the corner.

"That's for serving me fried cat, you sick chinese fuck!" the driver roared at the old man and sped off.

Marinette rubbed her dizzy head and tried to lift the old man to his feet only to realize… "Oh no! I dropped the macarons meant for my class all over the sidewalk! This is terrible! Wait, Marinette, stay positive, at least you didn't lose every single one of them," she picked up the crumpled macarons box which had a few left inside. "By the way, are you okay, sir?"

"Congratulations! You big winner!" the old man announced. Before she could stop him, he nabbed her macarons box and shoved something else into her hand. "Me trade! You get super special prize! Bye-bye!" And then he ran away far faster than he had been walking a second ago.

Marinette gritted her teeth into a forced smile, "Yeah, fine, okay, after risking my life, I get robbed. Don't let that get you down, Marinette. You did a good thing and for that you got..." she looked at the hexagonal box sitting the palm of her hand, "...junk. Sounds about right." _BRIIIIING_ went the school bell across the street. "And now I'm late." Without thinking, she pocketed the strange box and trudged to the building while halfheartedly singing, "Oh, isn't life amaaaazing."

* * *

 _Later, at class:_

Marinette slipped into her seat before the second bell rang and even managed to smile again. She was determined not to let this morning's setback ruin the rest of the day. She only needed to press on!

"Look at that smile! You are just so happy!" the blonde bitchy bane of her existence, slammed a hand on Marinette's desk, "We can't have that."

Marinette folded her arms, "Insult me however you like, Chloe. This school year is all about staying positive. Nothing you say will get to me."

Chloe didn't say anything. She simply snapped her fingers. Instantly, the bench Marinette sat on was lifted into the air by Sabrina the Stooge. The surprisingly strong redhead carried Marinette away and dumped her at another desk.

"Wait, what are you doing? Stop!" pleaded Marinette as Sabrina took the bench back. "I sit there every year, it's the safest place in the classroom!"

"And it's also right behind where my boy-toy Adrien is going to be sitting starting today. So… suck it." Chloe flipped Marinette off and sat down.

Marinette trembled in the unfamiliar territory. None of her precautionary supplies were taped to the bottom of this new desk. She had no hard hat, no shin guards, no medical equipment, nothing! When something unnecessarily unlucky happens, she won't be prepared! GAH, this was a nightmare! Then Marinette noticed the girl sitting next to her was pointing her phone at her.

"Uh… what are you doing?"

"Livestreaming your mental breakdown to my First World Problems Blog," said the bespectacled girl. "Don't mind me, Marinette, keep going."

Marinette did not recognize the complete stranger, "How do you know my name?"

"You serious? Girl, it's me! Alya! We've known each other forever."

"Not ringing a bell."

"Girl, remember when you were, like, eight and you fell into the snake pit at the zoo? I was the girl hanging over the rails blogging about it." Marinette spasmed at the combination of being reminded of the forcefully repressed childhood trauma and meeting the actual person who haunted her sleepless nights as the laughing figure who taunted her from above her fang filled demise. "I know what you're thinking. Yeah, my phone was super old back then," Alya sadly nodded, "I still have bad memories of the times before unlimited data."

"How does that make us friends?"

"Pfft, duh, I've been following you around, blogging about your crazy bad luck ever since."

"...Again, how does that make us friends?!"

Alya wrapped an unwanted arm around Marinette, "How could I not be friends with the girl who made me an internet sensation? Besides, I've been following you around for almost the last ten years. I know you have _nobody_ else."

She wasn't wrong and that made Marinette sigh. Having buildings nearly collapse around her on a daily basis had put up a rather difficult social barrier. Marinette dreamed of being able to hang out with someone her age that could be supportive in her times of need, a true friend. Maybe Alya wasn't exactly the hero she wanted but rather she was the stalker she deserved. Maybe she could work with that. Maybe this wasn't so bad. Maybe today could still be saved.

The next person to walk into the room made Marinette go pale.

"Hello, class, my name is Miss Bustier," the teacher wrote her name on the board, dotting the 'i' with a heavily endowed chest. After she finished, she spun on the spot and unbuttoned the topmost buttons of her blouse. "Some of you've had me before and know of my _teaching methods_. If you haven't, don't worry..." she sat on her desk, her already short skirt hiking up even more from the action. Then she crossed her exposed legs ever so slowly. She waited until every student was trying to avoid looking below her waist. She licked her lips, "...you'll catch on real quick."

* * *

 _Outside the school:_

The streets were practically devoid of life except for one brave soul who was exploring the outside world for the first time! "Amazing! The street air is so comfortable, the city's air conditioner must be top notch," admired Adrien. He noticed another advertisement for cologne with his face, but this one was oddly attached to a bus stop bench, "Is this what poor people call a 'public bench'? Stupendous! Look at that stone texture! Not a spot of goose feather stuffing or silk! Haha! I truly am roughing it in the wilderness! And father said I could never survive."

He then tripped.

Gathering himself, Adrien saw that his shoe had come untied. "Oh, silly me. Easy fix." The boy sat there and waited. However, no matter how much time passed his shoe stayed untied. He swiveled his head around in search, "Where's Pierre? Pierre, my laces need securing." Harrowing silence was his only answer. Adrien went pale as the full extent of his situation dawned on him, "I've made a terrible mistake."

Then his family limo pulled up on the corner. Frantically, Adrien hoisted himself up and awkwardly waddled as fast as he could towards the closest building. He wasn't fast enough as Nathalie and Ape-Man easily walked past him and blocked his path.

"Please, Nathalie, going to school with other kids is the only thing I've ever wanted," Adrien begged.

"Last week you said the same thing about getting your nails done."

"And I'm keeping them!" he showed off his glittery pink claws. Their argument was interrupted by the sound of clattering wood. On the corner, an old oriental man had collapsed. Filled with empathy, Adrien waddled over and helped him up, "You poor lower-middle-class person. I too know the pain of tripping. My word, sir, your feet!" Adrien pointed to the old man's frayed and moldy sandals. "Not a single complicated lace! Genius! My good man, what do you say to a trade?"

The old man looked down at Adrien's designer sneakers, bedazzled with what looked like real diamonds, and started to drool. "Thank you, young man."

Nathalie and Ape-Man facepalmed. They dragged the boy to the limo before he could give even more of his inheritance away. The barefoot old man plucked a gemstone from his new pair of laced fortunes and skipped away.

* * *

 _Later, in school:_

The bell rang and the class let out a collective sigh of relief. "Such a shame," pouted Miss Bustier. "Not a single misbehaving student. Well, I guess you're free to go to gym with Mr. D'Argencourt. Those of you with a free period can use the library."

"IVAN SMASH!" In the back of the classroom, the largest student roared as he raised several desks high into the air over Kim. Ivan froze, catching himself as he looked down at the seductively smirking Miss Bustier.

The teacher sighed, "Legally, class is over."

"Smash?" Ivan eagerly asked.

"Principal."

Ivan grumbled to himself and dropped the several tons of school equipment on the ground. He grabbed his backpack and marched to the Principal's office.

* * *

 _Meanwhile_ :

Across the city, in a tower somehow hidden above the Agreste Mansion, a newly installed spiral window opened, illuminating the haunting silhouette of a man who had no idea what he was doing. "I am just now noticing all these glowing white butterflies around me. How is that possible? WHOA! Is that my cue? The window opened and I'm hearing in my head some kid having a fit. Am I supposed to do something?"

There was no answer.

He cleared his throat and strummed his fingers on his cane. The tiny section in the center of the giant window opened. "OH! Something is supposed to go through there? Uh, um, uh…" He looked down at his cane and got an idea. "Magic wand! Make my monster grow!" He chucked his cane like a javelin through the window opening!

CRASH! "My car! Who threw that?!" demanded someone outside.

Hawkmoth started nervously sweating. He held out a hand, "Cane, return!" It didn't. "merde..." Instead, a white butterfly landed in his palm! "GAH! BUG! Get it off! Get it off! Get it off!" He slapped his other hand over it with every intention of squishing the insect. Instead, it was infused with sickly darkness and the newly colored butterfly flew out the the window. Hawkmoth ran to a sink and washed his hands, "Ew, ew, ew! When did my attic get a sink? Ew!"

* * *

 _Back at school:_

Ivan entered Principal Damcoles' office. "Excuse me, son," the Principal scoffed. "Has anyone taught you how to knock?"

"Ivan no knock. Ivan smash."

"Oohoo! An opportunity to teach!" the principal clapped. "Close the door, sonny." Ivan did. "Now, gently smash the door three times."

"Grr… how much three?"

Damocles gasped in pure delight. He dusted off his old CD player and popped in a disk. A happy tune bubbled from the device. "Just follow along, son. One banana, two banana, one, two, three. Three bananas for me! Your turn!"

Ivan struggled, his fist tightly clenched around a crumpled piece of paper, "Guh...o-one..."

The dark butterfly fluttered down and shattered on the crumpled paper. A pair of fashionably neon pink butterfly-themed sunglasses appeared on his face and he saw a silver-masked man. They stared at each other for a moment. Then they proceeded to scream.

"AAAHHHH!" went Hawkmoth.

"AAAHHHH!" went Ivan.

"Make it go away!" At Hawkmoth's demands, Ivan was swallowed by bubbling darkness and transformed into the mighty giant rock creature Stoneheart!

Inside the principal's office, Damocles had gotten out his monkey puppets, "Hi, Ivan, my name is Georgina the Monkey. How many bananas do I have?" A fist made of the strongest rock rammed through the flimsy door and grabbed the monkey. Stoneheart squeezed the everliving stuffing out of her.

"Georgina! NO!" cried Damocles.

* * *

 _Meanwhile in the library_ :

"Hey, Miss Librarian, I just looked up 'rich' in the dictionary and all I could find was this picture of Gabriel Agreste," Marinette held the open book for her to see.

The Librarian nodded, "That's accurate, sweety."

"Okay… Second concern: Why do you have this giant plasma screen TV in the middle of the library?"

"I like to watch," the Librarian shrugged.

"Watch what?"

"Everything," the Librarian hit a button and the TV came alive with multiple feeds of hidden security cameras spread around the school.

Before questions of legality could be asked, Marinette was thrown off her feet by what felt like an earthquake! Every student turned to the library's giant plasma screen TV. The outdoor feed showed what looked like a rock golem standing in a crater it had made! The monster was eating a svelte monkey!

Panic quickly spread through the school population!

Students and teachers alike fled in terror!

Marinette trembled on the spot, weakly trying to sing herself to bravery, "Oh… isn't life… amazing…"

Alya was trembling on the spot like a kid in a candy store, "I'mma blog this to my Natural Disasters Blog, my Monster Lovers Blog, and my Rock Collectors Blog! Blog Trifecta!" She bolted for the door, her phone raised high.

"Alya! What are you doing?!" cried Marinette.

The blogger struck a pose, "There's a word for people who run towards the danger purely to record the mayhem for media distribution purposes."

Marinette blinked, "...Insane?"

"Oh I'm insane alright… for views! FOR THE BLOG!" Alya ran out towards what would surely be her certain doom. Marinette decided friendship was overrated and went home.

* * *

 _Meanwhile, at the Agreste Mansion:_

Fu adjusted his far too small, gem encrusted sneakers and approached the mansion gates. He rang the doorbell and a little robotic eye popped out of the wall.

"Salutations! I am Doorbell-Matron 9000 but you may call my DB-M-9K. My purpose is to answer the door. What is your purpose?"

Fu grinned, "Me deliver."

 _Inside:_

Adrien was too busy admiring his new 'flip-flops', as Nathalie called them, to listen to the woman's tutoring session. Poor people were so lucky to not have to worry about constant surveillance or being trapped in your own house or laces. He would give his entire fortune for a life of freedom. His musings were cut short by someone bursting into the room and holding the door shut with his body! Someone Adrien thought he'd never see for another month!

"Nathalie, I think I may have made a deal with the devil," a sweaty Gabriel hyperventilated.

"Father! I did it!" Adrien cheered and showed his feet. "I ventured into the city and braved the herds of wild frenchmen. Look, I even brought back the footwear of the natives! They match my nails!"

Gabriel gawked at what his son wore, "I don't—how—what?"

Nathalie stepped in, "He's been like this for months. Please, for all of our sanity, let this kid leave the house."

Seeing his pride and joy be so clueless of the outside world broke the man's heart. This had gone too far. Wiping some stray butterfly wings off his shoulders, Gabriel heaved a sigh, "Perhaps… I may have been a touch too overprotective."

Both Adrien and Nathalie's eyes widened in surprise. The boy asked nervously, "Does that mean I can…?"

"I guess as long as you have some sort of supervision, Adrien, you can go outsi—" Gabriel pulled back a curtain so they could see their front gate. What they saw was Stoneheart being repeatedly shot by multiple police officers. However, every bullet made the monster radiate and grow even bigger!

"Guns don't work..." Officer Roger shrieked in horror. "GUNS DON'T WORK!"

Gabriel shut the curtain and told his son, "Lock yourself in your room and never come out."

Pouting in anger, Adrien ran up the marble escalator and threw himself onto his king-size mattress that was embroidered with golden Euro signs. He had been so close and then freedom was unfairly ripped away from him just because the commoners were roughhousing. Even worse, he had chipped a pink nail in his tantrum. He'd need to get it redone.

"Delivery, young master!" the ever kind DB-M-9K dropped a small package on the table in front of his TV. Dragging himself out of bed, Adrien found what waited for him was a small black hexagonal box with what looked like oriental inspired markings. Unbeknownst to him… across the city, Marinette was sulking over a plate of cookies in front of her computer, watching the live broadcast of Stoneheart's rampage. She too happened to remember a small hexagonal box she received earlier that day.

In a twist of fate, both opened their boxes at the same time…

Blinding light erupted from the box in Marinette's hand! Wind whipped around her and cracked the walls! Her furniture was flung around like she sat in the center of a tornado! A sphere of flashing red energy rose from the light and expanded to become bigger than a soccer ball! Through the cacophony cut a demonic voice!

"FOR UNTOLD GENERATIONS HAVE I SLUMBERED! WHO DARES AWAKEN ME?!"

Marinette's mouth flapped silently in fear.

"WELL, WHO ARE YOU? ANSWER THE QUESTION!"

"M-m-m-mmmm-Marinette…?" she squeaked.

"'Marinette?' What kind of name is—? Hold on." In an instant the tornado stopped and the light disappeared. Where the sphere had been now floated a red polka-dotted bug-mouse hybrid whose head was more than twice as large as its body. "Who the fuck are you?" the creature demanded in a high-pitched, childlike voice, "Where the fuck am I? This isn't the temple! What the fuck is going on—"

Marinette crushed the creature with her chair.

* * *

The blinding green light that had sprang from Adrien's box died down until only the sparkling ball remained. The last light melted away until it coalesced into the form of a tiny floating black cat looking animal.

"Uh… hello, little guy, I'm Adrien," he tried not to startle what he assumed was some sort of magical chinese kitten.

The cat stretched, belched, scratched its crotch and said, "S'up, dude."

"Actually, it's not 'dude', it's pronounced 'Adrien,'" he corrected.

"Wait… wha?"

* * *

Sabine looked to the ceiling as more hard thumps could be heard. "Tom," she called, "What's going on up there?"

"Don't worry, I'm pretty sure that's Marinette having her daily mental breakdown," her husband called back.

"Oh okay," she returned to her customer.

Upstairs, no matter how many times Marinette brought her chair down the thing wouldn't die! In fact, it looked like it was somehow phasing through her chair like a ghost! "This doesn't make any sense," the crime against nature pondered, "The Guardians know only to summon me when a worthy wielder has been found. Plus, I'm supposed to get a sacrifice, that was the deal! ...Unless..." it inspected Marinette hungrily, "Are you the sacrifice?"

Marinette went cold. In that moment, she knew this atrocity could end her life. Also in that moment, the beautiful blue bird from that morning fluttered into the room, tweeting melodically as if it wanted to sing with Marinette again. Marinette instead grabbed the bird and shoved the poor animal at Tikki, "Here! Sacrifice! Eat this!"

The thing shrugged, "Eh, I prefer human souls, but animals work." Its mouth expanded impossibly wide and swallowed the bird whole. Marinette barely had enough time to retract her hand.

"My name's Tikki and, yes, you should be afraid," burped Tikki.

* * *

"Call me, Plagg," the kwami said after taking a bite out of one of three mint-condition vintage arcade systems Adrien had in his room. He gagged on the taste and spat out the electronics. "I'm one those mystical thingamajigs that grants kickass powers. In other words, I'm here to get you laid."

Adrien finished gluing back together the foosball table Plagg had munched on and gave the creature a confused look, "Do I… want that?"

"Do you want—" Plagg stopped mid-air and stared at Adrien. "Wait..."

* * *

"Mom!" Marinette pitifully called as she crawled towards her trap door.

"Mom?" Tikki stopped picking the bird beak out of her teeth and stared at Marinette. "Wait..."

Both kwamis asked the same question at the same time, "How old are you?"

Both teens answered, "Sixteen."

* * *

"Sixteen?! And you don't wanna get laid?" Plagg couldn't believe what he was hearing.

Adrien shrugged, "Well, I can lay down on my bed whenever I like. What's so special about that?"

Plagg had no response. He flew to Adrien, grabbed his collar and dragged the boy to his computer. "Search 'r-3-4.' What happens next might be kinda freaky but do what comes natural," he instructed. "I'mma give you some privacy and go raid your fridge." Plagg left the room.

* * *

Tikki slammed Marinette against the wall. Despite the kwami's tiny stature, she was remarkably strong. Marinette was running into a lot of surprisingly strong people today. "How the fuck did you get your underage hands on the Miraculous? You steal me?"

"I don't know what you're talking about! What's a Miraculous?" the scared girl whimpered. "This strange old man stole my macarons and gave me that box! I swear!"

"Strange old man?" Tikki eased her hold. "Pointy beard, walking stick, kinda racist accent?"

Marinette nodded.

"Fucking Fu, you Mister Miyagi looking motherfucker..." the kwami muttered under her breath. "Let me guess, some crazy monster has appeared in your otherwise peaceful hometown."

Marinette nodded again. She was released and immediately hid under her bed. She shivered there until the monster floated over and dropped the stupid box in front of her. Inside, Marinette now noticed, sat a pair of earrings decorated to resemble ladybugs.

Tikki put on a big smile, "I think we got off on the wrong foot." Marinette could easily see the cracks in that smile. The fury underneath broiled like a volcano on the brink of eruption. "Stop crying. You're a superhero now, kid."

"...Huh?"

"My thoughts exactly," nodded Tikki. "This happens once every few generations. An idiot loses track of Nooroo, another idiot signs a contract with him, becomes Hawkmoth, and all hell breaks loose." She threw up the disgusting nubs Marinette assumed were supposed to be her arms in celebration, "You have been chosen by Astruc to become the Ladybug Miraculous Wielder! These earrings are actually the Ladybug Miraculous and by wearing them you can use their power to defeat the Akuma terrorizing your home."

There were so many questions buzzing in Marinette's head. First and foremost, though, she saw a problem. "Um, actually, Miss Tikki-thing, I can't wear those. Never got my ears pierced."

Empty smile never fading, Tikki picked up the earrings which had the sharpest needles Marinette had ever seen, "Not a problem."

* * *

"Man, I don't know what this Camembert merde is but you need to get me more. I am addicted. And I don't mean that in a funny 'I love cheese' kinda way. I mean that in I will betray you and your loved ones for a single wedge of this stuff. It's that good!" announced Plagg through a mouthful of cheese. He came back into Adrien's room and whistled at the mountain of drying balls of used tissues, "Whoa, talk about a quickshot."

"I'm ready," he heard Adrien growl. The boy was glued to his computer screen, his back to the kwami. "Get me laid."

"Alright, man, sweet," Plagg swallowed the last of his cheese, "Then let's go over the basics. First up, you can destroy anything with your supermove 'Cataclysm.' Heads up, don't touch your junk while using that, unless you want to spend the rest of your life dongless. Next, to transform, you put on the ring from the box you opened and say 'Plagg, claws out'. Now, the most important thing you gotta remember is—"

Adrien bolted across the room, rammed the ring on and cried, "PLAGG, CLAWS OUT!"

"Eh, I'll tell you later," Plagg shrugged as he was sucked into the ring. In a blast of black, Adrien was clad in a black leather that made him look like a cat, complete with pointy ears! He leapt out the window!

* * *

"So, now that I've explained your powers and your ears have stopped bleeding, I can tell you how to transform." Tikki waited for the shaking pale human to barely nod before continuing. "You just have to say 'Tikki, spots on' and you'll gain the powers. Now, get out there and join your partner to defeat the Akuma!"

Marinette's trembling lips parted, "Ti-Ti-Tikki, sp—"

"Oh wait!" Tikki pressed a nub to Marinette's mouth, "Forgot the most important part. You mustn't tell anybody about this. If anyone ever finds out that I am stuck with you as my wielder," Tikki leaned close and whispered, "I will eat you like I ate that bird." She spat out a blue feather, "Okay, go."

"Tikki, spots on," Marinette wheezed.

In a flourish of red, Tikki was sucked into the earrings and Marinette was covered in red polka-dotted spandex! With absolutely no clue what she was doing, Marinette stepped out onto her balcony and inspected the ladybug-themed yo-yo hanging on her hip. "Don't worry, Marinette," she reassured herself, "Just keep your head down, your mouth shut and that positive attitude up." She experimentally threw the yo-yo and it magically reached down the block and attached to a rooftop.

Emboldened, she sang again, "Oh, isn't life amaAAAA!" Her screams of terror echoed across the city as her yo-yo launched her into the air.

 _Several blocks away:_

Adrien was balancing on his brand new battle staff, while admiring his new supersuit. Not only did the stitching show off his physique, the shoes had no laces! Perfect! "I'll have ladies falling for me by the dozen!" he proclaimed.

"INCOMING!" a distinctly female voice screeched from above.

"Oho! Starting already?" he snarked before he was blasted off his feet by a polka-dotted bullet. The duo became tied together, entangled by the girl's yo-yo string. "Greetings, female superhero. Are you also looking to get laid?"

"AAAHHH!" Marinette greeted back. "Your eyes! My Astruc, what the fuck is wrong with your eyes?!" She quickly broke free and scrambled away from the cat-beast.

"My powers enhance them with cat-like senses," he shrugged. "All the better to appreciate your curves with." He winked one of his horribly deformed feline eyes, "Call me Chat Noir."

"You're flirting with me?" Marinette was appalled. "People are dying out there and you're flirting with me?!"

"It's one rock creature. No one's getting hurt."

An office tower behind them collapsed. "Holy merde! Hundreds of people got hurt and/or died!" someone screamed.

Marinette gaped at the loss of innocent life. "Wow..." Chat Noir whispered, "You commoners really know how to have fun. Let's go!" He extended his staff and flipped towards the danger.

"Life is amazing, life is amazing, life is amazing" Marinette pathetically repeated to herself as she followed.

 _Meanwhile:_

Through his magical vision, Hawkmoth surveyed the destruction left in Stoneheart's wake. "What have I done?" he whimpered. "Death… Suffering… I didn't want this… Not this! Not th—" Again his words were stopped. Invisible hands stronger than steel knotted around his throat and the voice of Nooroo cackled into his mind.

"But Gabriel, this is exactly what you wanted. Look at the beauty you've created. Such elegant chaos will draw out our heroes soon." Tears flowed down the helpless man's cheeks. "We just need to… _up the stakes._ "

Gabriel could only watch as Stoneheart climbed the outside of Paris' local stadium. Down on the field, some unaware teenagers were packing up their gym class supplies. "Please," he rasped, "Not the children."

"Children?" Nooroo gasped, "Me put children in harm's way? Why, Gabriel, that is an excellent idea..."

Stoneheart's glowing sights landed on his true target, "KIM!"

Kim dropped his soccer ball and looked up at the great rock horror glaring from above. "Yeah? What you do want?" he shouted back.

"Don't move!" Stoneheart leaped higher than the tallest building in the city and started falling… fast.

"Uh..." muttered Alix, "Kim, you should move."

"But he said not to," protested Kim as the shadow casted over him grew larger.

"Kim!" shouted Max, "By my calculations, that goliath will strike you with a force exceeding 40 million Newtons!"

"Give him a chance, guys. He probably only wants to talk." He smiled up at Stoneheart, "Don'tcha, buddy?"

"SMAAAASH!"

At the last second, a blue mini-nuclear explosion exploded a boxing glove on a spring into existence. The glove punched Kim out of Stoneheart's reach. Before he could give chase, a silver staff embedded itself into his path. Chat Noir jumped in his way with a quirky grin, "Go easy, big guy, no need to _get hard._ "

Nooroo and Gabriel stared and both asked, "Did he just… flirt with him?"

Undeterred by Chat Noir's advances, Stoneheart threw a heavy punch. Chat Noir deftly dodged, delivering his own strike with his staff. However, the impact only made Stoneheart radiate and grow even bigger!

"Hmm..." Chat Noir rubbed his chin in thought.

He poked Stoneheart's leg. He grew.

"Hmmmmm…"

Poke. Grow.

"Hmmmmmmmmmmm…"

Poke. Grow.

"Chat Noir, stop making him stronger!" ordered Marinette from her hiding spot at the top of the stadium.

"Oh my Astruc, there's a second hero! I have to start a Dynamic Duo Blog now!" Marinette heard Alya cry. She only then noticed Alya was still in the middle of the battlefield, recording every second. The distraction was long enough for Stoneheart to grab Chat Noir in his great stone fist. Time slowed to a crawl for Marinette. Her brand new super-partner was stupid enough to get himself captured and she was too afraid to save him. Everything was falling apart! She was gonna fail and get eaten alive!

"S-s-stay positive, Marinette," she said on the brink of tears, "Remember, life is am… life is amaz—"

She bit her tongue.

That momentary pain sparked something within her. It flared into a great inferno, melting the cold, petrifying fear into pure, unstoppable HAAAATRED!

"FUCK! MY! LIFE!"

Her battlecry roared across the land as she leaped into the field and lassoed Stoneheart's legs. Superhuman strength filled Marinette's muscles and she swung the giant easily across the stadium as if he weighed no more than a paper bag. Chat Noir tumbled from the villain's grasp and took his position next to her.

"Good work, Wonderbug. You got him on the ropes, let's finish him off!" He charged but almost immediately stopped. Marinette had a firm grip on his belt tail and wrench him back.

She grabbed his collar and pulled him close to her seething face, "Look at me, idiot. I'm in charge! You wanna live, then you don't jump unless I say jump. Use that peanut of brain you got and stop hitting him! It makes him stronger!"

"Oh! That's why he was getting bigger," Chat Noir slapped his forehead, "I thought he was just happy to see me. Don't worry, I got this. Cataclysm!" The ancient power of ultimate destruction gathered in his glove. "With a single touch of my supermove, he'll disintegrate. Check it out." Before she could stop him, he touched the soccer goal near them and it crumbled to dust. "Pretty awesome, right?"

"Yeah," she agreed through a forced smile, "Go get him."

"Come at me!" Chat Noir charged! And was immediately punched back across the field to where he started.

"You only get to use it once, genius," Marinette sassed, "Let me show you how it's done. Lucky Charm!" She tossed her yo-yo into the air and down came a polka-dotted wetsuit. She glared down at the item in silence. The only sound was Stoneheart's mocking laughter at her supposed weapon. Her fist clenched the wetsuit tightly and she started marching toward the Akuma.

"You know… I had a really bad day." The anger in her eyes made Stoneheart quiet down and take a step back. "I was robbed, lost my favorite seat, forced into an unhealthy friendship, roped into a life risking job, stabbed through my ears, and threatened with being swallowed whole by a noseless freak! I thought I could bottle it in with a positive attitude and songs but I'm at my limit! I can't take this anymore!" She was completely losing it at this point! Her arms were flailing, her teeth were grinding. Stoneheart fell and crawled backwards until his back was pressed against the bleacher walls. She marched on. "So you got a choice, mister. Either you give up, or you see what I can do with _THIS_ ," she menacingly raised the wetsuit, "WHEN I HAVE A TARGET FOR MY FURY, MY HATE AND ALL OF MY SORROW!"

For the next five seconds, the world stood still.

Stoneheart rolled her a blackened crumpled ball of paper and she stomped on it. A little black butterfly fluttered out. Immediately, Stoneheart morphed back into Ivan.

Alya couldn't hit upload hard enough.

Chat Noir inched towards Marinette and asked, "Um, milady, are you oka—"

"Never ask a woman _that_ question."

"Cool, great, let's do this again sometime, later!" he sputtered as he fled.

Regaining her composure, Marinette unfolded the now white crumpled ball of paper to find a note. The words said, 'Haha! You're too dumb to tell Mylene that you like her. Wuss.' Marinette's entire body twitched, "THIS?! This is what made you angry enough to be seduced by evil? Because you can't talk to girls?"

"Girls scare Ivan," the giant boy curled into a ball.

"Ugh, you gotta be kidding me," Marinette groaned. "Ivan, there's nothing scary about talking to girls. What, are you scared she'll turn into a dragon and bite your head off?"

"...Maybe."

"If you like her, tell her. As long as you're nice and she's not a bitch like Chloe, she'll give you a chance. Look at me. Do you think that if I had a crush on someone I would keep it a secret for so long that the emotions slowly drove me insane? No way, I'd tell him in a heartbeat."

Ivan considered Marinette's words, "Tell Mylene? Mmm, okay. Ivan try."

"Wow, you are like the easiest person to convince. I'm out," Marinette lassoed the stadium rooftop.

"Wait!" Alya ran to her, still recording, "What's your superhero name?"

Marinette pondered, "Huh, you know, Chat Noir called me Wonderbug earlier and I kinda like that. It's reminiscent of Wonder Woman who is my favorite superhero and—"

"Is it Ladybug? I'm calling you Ladybug! It totally works into Ladyblog!"

"Actually, I prefer—"

Alya stuck her head in shot, "You heard it here first, folks. Her name is Ladybug!"

Ladybug sighed, "Fine, I guess I'm Ladybug." She swung away.

* * *

 _Later, at Marinette's Bedroom:_

"Hundreds lost their lives today at ground zero where a local apartment building was collapsed by the villain Stoneheart. Afterwhich, he was defeated by Paris' newest heroes!" said the news anchor on Marinette's computer.

"Ooh! They're talking about me!" squealed Marinette.

"I, for one, welcome our new superhero overlords," added Mayor Bourgeois from his podium in front of City Hall. "As such, I hereby legalize vigilantism."

"That mean I can be the French Punisher?" asked a random kid in the crowd.

"Of course!" nodded the Mayor.

"Woo, street justice!" the kid cheered and ran off to buy a gun.

Since returning to her room and de-transforming, Marinette had been glued to the screen. The local news was continuously celebrating the arrival of Ladybug and Chat Noir in the city. The praise actually managed to cheer Marinette up a bit. "I gotta say, Tikki, I was really unsure about this whole superhero thing, but it seems I managed to pull it off."

"So you're happy?" Tikki smiled.

"Yeah, I am!" giggled Marinette.

"Then this is the perfect time to tell you that you fucked up," Tikki continued to smile.

Marinette stared at her, "...Huh?"

The news came back on showing terrorized citizens across Paris being swarmed by black butterflies! Each person that was touched was transformed into another Stoneheart that froze in place like a statue!

As Marinette gawked in horror, Tikki playfully chuckled at the human's suffering, "You did everything right, except purifying the Akuma, which is the most important part. You don't do that then it'll multiply and if Ivan gets angry again he'll hulk out like before and that'll give Hawkmoth a stone army. Don't worry, every Ladybug fucks up their first time. You managed to fuck up in the worst way imaginable, but that's not important."

"I did what?! No! AH!" Marinette ran around, pulling her hair, "What have I done?! I've made this so much worse! I'm not a superhero! I'm a klutz!"

"Oh geez, Marinette, don't be so hard on yourself," Tikki narrowed her eyes knowingly, "Talking like that makes it sound like you want to _quit_ or something."

The girl stopped, "I can quit?"

"Of course, nobody is forcing you to be Ladybug," Tikki shrugged.

"You said I was the Chosen One and _forced_ needles into my earlobes!"

"Details," Tikki put an arm nub on Marinette's shoulder, "The point is you're making a conscious sacrifice for the greater good of the world. You will save countless lives through your _endless_ torture."

"...Endless?"

"Yeah, being a hero is a full-time gig. You don't retire until you die of old age or get killed in the battlefield. Whichever comes first. And that noble death will always be remembered… as Ladybug because no one will know it was you behind the mask."

A chill ran up Marinette's spine, "I'm quitting."

"No, wait. Don't. Please reconsider," yawned Tikki as Marinette ran to the mirror. The girl ripped out the earrings and Tikki instantly vanished from reality with a triumphant smirk, "Sucker."

 _Meanwhile:_

The original black butterfly fluttered through the spiral window. "Fff—Merde, it's back! No, get away!" Hawkmoth swiped his cane at the evil insect, "AH! Don't turn me into one of those rock statues! NO!" The butterfly shattered and reappeared in the head of his cane. Hawkmoth blinked, "Oh! Oh, that's what this can does."

"Yes," rasped Nooroo's voice, "Now that the preparations are complete we only need to bide our time and re-akumatize Ivan again. MUAHAAHAHA!"

"How do we do that? Like this?" Hawkmoth chucked his cane out the window again.

"Will you stop doing that!"

INTERMISSION


	22. 15 Stoned

I'm posting this chapter now because I heard the 'Reverser' episode is coming out the 23rd.

 _PROLOGUE_

 _"Did you see the 'Troublemaker' episode?!" I asked as we exited the bakery._

 _Amelie nodded and lit yet another cigarette, "Zee story waz very fun."_

 _"And the part when Sabine started using the peel like a battle staff!" I gushed, "It was like she really was The Candlestick Maker!"_

 _Amelie paused, "...What?"_

 _"Peel. It's what you call those wooden sticks with the flat end that bakers use to pull bread out of ovens—"_

 _"No, Zee Candlestick Maker? What iz zat?"_

 _"Oh right!" I slapped myself for not realizing, "I make little headcanons for the side characters. You know, some silly explanations for why they do certain things. Sure, you could say Sabine learned that twirling move from a sport or a self-defense class—"_

 _"Or becauze she iz Chineez," Amelie suggested._

 _"Or, yes, you can be a complete racist and say it's because she's Chinese, but in my fic, Marinette's parents are secretly retired supervillains."_

 _The off-duty officer regarded me with an odd look, "You write... fanfiction, Monsieur Big?"_

 _"I never mentioned that? Yeah, it's an awesome way to interact with the fan community over the stuff we love." I started to list off various other online Miraculous fansites I frequented that had some good fics until I noticed this somber, almost embarrassed face Amelie was making. "Wait... Amelie, do you write fics too?"_

 _She puffed out some smoke and whispered, "I do not. I...uh... how you zay? Crossplay?"_

 _"Crossplay? Do you mean... Cosplay?"_

 _"Oui, pleaze do not tell otherz." A slight blush crossed her cheeks and I was instantly filled with the need to support my nicotine addicted friend._

 _"Amelie, there's nothing to be ashamed of. Cosplaying is a beloved pastime." I took her hand, "Do you mind if I see your outfits?"_

 _She looked away, "I only drezz in private."_

 _"I won't take any pictures and I won't laugh, I promise. I only want to see how good you are." Her timidness soon vanished and she nodded._

 _Later:_

 _"BAHAHAAHAHAHAHAH!"_

 _"Ztop laughing!" Amelie's furiously burning cheeks were made a rosy purple shade under the bright blue makeup. This plus the red ball bobbling on top of her head gave her the appearance of a deformed teletubbie! "You zaid you would not laugh!"_

 _"That was before I knew you cosplayed as The Bubbler! WHY?! BAAHHAHAHAHAH!"_

 _"Unlike you, American, zee French are proud of our clownz!"_

 _"You shouldn't be! You really shouldn't!" were the last words I said before Amelie shoved me out of her apartment and locked the door._

 _...TO BE CONTINUED..._

* * *

 **Miraculous Headache  
** _Chapter 15: Stoned  
_ By: I Write Big

The magical mysticism of heroes is that they not only protect the downtrodden and weak, they also inspire. Unfortunately, as Paris was now learning, inspiration isn't always good.

"It's time to _roost_ , criminal scum!" proclaimed Principal Damocles. He flapped his flimsy cardboard owl wings and chased the bank robbers.

Down the street, a couple kids were drawing dicks on a petrified stoneperson who had the misfortune of being forever frozen in a nosepicking position. A raggedy Mr. Ramier, dressed like a pigeon, leaped into view and accused the children, "Vandalism! This will not stand! Attack, my pretties of justice! RRROOO!" At his call, a flock of pigeons dove down, plucked the stoneperson off the ground and flew away.

Across the block, a grandmother made the mistake of jaywalking. Her limbs were promptly broken by a guy wearing a black beret with a human skull on it. He growled down at the bleeding senior citizen, "I'm the French Punisher and I just _sacre blew_ out your kneecaps!"

The image shrank to the corner of the TV screen and the news reporter Nadia Chamak smiled. "That was the latest amateur news footage provided to us from young reporter Alya. In the wake of Stoneheart's destructive rampage, thousands of euros in damages were incurred and the number of missing continues to rise. Despite the rapidly growing number of vigilantes storming Paris, the estimated 500 innocent Parisians trapped in stone remain as such. Scientists give them until the end of the day to live. We now go to the mayor."

"In hindsight," Mayor Bourgeois addressed the crowd of reporters, "outright legalizing vigilantism has its problems, but it is a necessary sacrifice to keep our city safe."

"I am Gun-Man!" Officer Roger jumped in front of the camera wearing multiple pistols, revolvers, machine guns, shotguns, sniper rifles, regular rifles, semi-automatic rifles, fully automatic rifles, and one bubblegum-pink watergun filled with acid.

Marinette's terrorfied hands snapped the TV remote in half, "Oh, isn't life amazing..." she whimpered. "DAD!" she whipped around to her father who scrambled to hide the great bread shield and bladed candelabra behind his back. "Paris is a safe place to live, right?"

"Absolutely, honey!" Tom nodded. "With Ladybug, Chat Noir, and all these new street heroes running around, the only people who should be worried are the villains." He awkwardly chuckled, "Not that me and your mother are really supervillains! Caring parents turning out to be the bad guys? That's ridiculous! HAHAH! Can you leave the room?"

"So what you're saying is..." Marinette leaned closer, filled with hope. Tom nearly dropped the ancient jade mask and giant rolling pin behind his back. "I don't have to feel guilty about any of this?"

"I have zero clue why any of what we're talking about would make you feel guilty but if it makes you leave the room, then yes."

Her choice to abandon the city to its doom validated, Marinette hugged Tom tightly, "Thanks dad, you're the best." The loving act pushed Tom against the hidden button under the blender that _LOUDLY_ opened the secret passageway to The Baker and The Candlestick Maker's Evil Lair behind the TV. "What was that?" Marinette tried to turn towards the noise.

"Good talk, Marinette, go to school now, love you, bye!" said Tom before he shoved his daughter out of the room.

Marinette scooted up the stairs, thinking her dad's odd attitude was probably due to too much baking soda or something. It didn't matter. What mattered was that she didn't have to worry about Paris being overrun with cape wearing freaks while hundreds of people remain trapped in stone. Why? Because she quit. And there was no shame in that. People quit all the time! If America could quit the Paris Climate Agreement, then Marinette could quit saving people's lives.

Marinette the Quitter threw on her bookbag only to see the strange octagonal box that now housed the inactive Miraculous earrings. She supposed by the cosmic rule of Finder's Keepers she had some responsibility to choose someone else to become Ladybug.

Or maybe she could toss them down the garbage disposal.

Unfortunately, when she ran back to the kitchen, she found the garbage disposal was broken by her dad trying to grind some kind of giant baguette shaped like a sword. Must've gone stale or something.

 _Meanwhile, at the Agreste Mansion:_

"And who was the leader of the revolt?" droned Nathalie, barely paying any attention to the only student at the table.

"T'was, the bastard Verdugo, madame. Support relied heavily on the how sexually attractive the leader was, as with most human revolts."

Nathalie sighed and pulled the blonde wig off DB-M-9K. "What are you doing, Slave?"

The machine's single red eye smiled sheepishly at her, "Apologies, madame. The young master outsmarted me."

She blinked, "...How?"

 _An hour ago:_

DB-M-9K's lasers scanned the entirety of the walled off front yard of the mansion grounds. If anything physically broke the lasers, alarms would trigger! Gates would shut! Sink holes would open! There was no way out.

Chat Noir hopped out his window to the next building's rooftop with a triumphant, "Haha!"

"Oh dear..." muttered DB-M-9K.

 _Now:_

"You know what, I don't care." Nathalie threw up her hands and marched out of the mansion.

"He's taken to wearing leather," advised DB-M-9K.

 _Across the city:_

Adrien was free as bird! A moldy flip-flop wearing bird! After escaping, he had de-transformed and was now heading straight for the promised land! No longer would he be imprisoned in that cold building that was filled with nothing but neglect and misery. He was going to school! The other cold building that was filled with nothing but neglect and misery and also other kids his age! It was everything he ever wanted! Of course, he'd need to establish his dominance there. According to anime, schools were places where anarchy reigned supreme. He was likely to encounter monsters, secret societies, and magical schoolgirls. Good thing he had already fashioned a shank out of that silver spoon that was oddly in his mouth at his birth.

 _At school:_

"I call it: The Ladyblog!" The title was emblazoned across a red and black polka-dotted website. Alya eagerly swiped down the page, "I already got tons of views, fan-theory tabs and millions of roleplaying chats. Like, it's creepy how many of the Ladybloggers are role-playing her into doing some fucked up merde."

"It's… a pun," whispered Marinette and then snickered, "I love puns!"

"...You do?"

"Yeah! They're so clever. I'm surprised no one does them anymore," Marinette sighed in longing to hear more of her favorite form of humor. "Anyway, you probably might want to hold off on building Ladybug up so quickly."

"Ohohohoho, silly, uninformed, stupid Marinette," Alya wrapped an unwanted arm around the bluenette's shoulders, "That ain't how the internet works. You gotta latch onto _everything_ while it's still popular and never let go until it gets old. Besides, she's a real freaking superhero!"

Marinette nodded while trying to pull out of that unwanted arm, "Yeah, but who knows? Maybe that was a one time thing. Maybe she quit. There's no shame in that."

Instantly, Marinette was pushed away and the bespectacled girl pointed an accusatory finger at her, "Denouncer! Non-believer! SHAME!" Alya ran into the school, screaming, "Ladybug is our savior! She will never abandon us! SHAME! SHAME! SHAAAAAAAAAAAAME!"

The words echoed in Marinette 'The-Ever-Giver-Upper' Dupain-Cheng's conscious. She marched into the building muttering, "Don't listen to her, you just gotta dump these earrings on somebody else. They'll become the new Ladybug and nothing bad will happen as long as Ivan doesn't get angry again."

"IVAN ANGRY!"

"Gah!" Marinette nearly jumped out of her pink jeans at the shout that came from the crowd of students surrounding Ivan.

"Yeah, you were just like that, Ivan," agreed Kim. "Great impression."

The tall boy looked past his classmates with a dopey smile. Marinette followed his gaze to his secret crush Mylene. "Ivan cool?" asked Ivan.

"Eh..." everyone rubbed the back their heads awkwardly.

"Oh yes! You were so cool!" praised _Chloe_.

Every person in that school building nearly choked.

Chloe continued, "If by 'cool', you mean the most uninspired, unoriginal, most boring monster ever! Come on! Rock monster? How pathetic!"

Every person in that school building breathed easy.

"Ivan smash Chloe!" roared the child giant. He tore a car-sized chunk of concrete out of the floor and raised it high! He stomped over to Chloe who stood there with a smug bitchy smile. The entire school, faculty included, cheered him on.

"Eep!" Mylene squeaked in fear and ran away.

The sight made Ivan's hatred vanish and he dropped the concrete on Fred the janitor instead, much to the disappointment of the school. Ivan huffed his way across the building.

"Okay, this sucks," Marinette admitted to herself and begrudgingly followed Ivan. "But you know what, I'd rather be a babysitter than a superhero." Somewhere in Paris, young Manon felt a disturbance and knew she needed to burn Marinette soon.

If Marinette had stayed a little longer, she'd have had the opportunity to meet Adrien. The boy had successfully made it inside the school this time. He scanned the yard, trying to make himself look tough. "Rule number one, find the strongest looking guy in the yard and kick his ass," he muttered to himself.

"Hey there, sonny," a rubble-covered Fred the janitor greeted him, "Is this your first day?"

Adrien tore the mop out of Fred's hands and broke it over Fred's head. The adult collapsed into the hole Ivan made. "Adrikins! You came!" Chloe joyfully hugged him. This kicked off waves of other students noticing Adrien.

"I've seen him before!" said one boy.

"Isn't he a model?" asked another boy.

"He's so handsome!" swooned the third boy. Everyone stared at the third boy. "What? You were all thinking it!"

Nobody denied that.

 _Meanwhile, in the locker room:_

Ivan was huddled against the locker wall, the confusion of adolescent crushes leaving him in a grumpy mood. Marinette sat next to Ivan and said, "By the laws of comedy, my helping you with your relationship issues comes with a 60% chance of you falling in love with me. I don't want to deal with that, so I'm gonna make this very clear." Marinette slapped him across the face and shouted, "I don't like you! Got it?"

Ivan nodded in fear.

"Great. Go tell Mylene you like her like Ladybug told you."

Ivan grunted in confusion, "How you know Ladybug—"

Again Marinette slapped him across the face. "All girls know each other and all girls tell each other their secrets. It's a girl thing. Trust me, I'm a girl. Go tell Mylene you like her."

The young giant groveled in embarrassment, "Ivan no words good."

The young hero-quitter grumbled in annoyance, "Then you can use flowers or chocolates or—"

"Song!" Ivan's eyes lit up, "Ivan write song!"

"Eh..." Marinette rubbed the back of her head awkwardly, "Music is kinda subjective. The two of you might have differing musical tastes. Plus, 'Ivan no words good', remember?"

"Ivan sing song! Make Mylene love Ivan!" proclaimed the boy and he ran off, chuckling like an idiot.

"This was a bad idea," groaned Marinette.

 _Meanwhile:_

Adrien was on top of the world! Not only had he successfully asserted himself as someone the monsters, secret societies and magical schoolgirls shouldn't mess with, he was also getting a tour! He was being led through the hallways with Chloe on his arm. Students left and right held out magazine ads he modeled in for his autograph. It was a little off putting to have strangers worshipping him without Ape-Man guarding him, but this was living life on the edge.

"And here we are, Adrikins!" bubbled Chloe as they entered the classroom. Most of his new classmates already filled the seats. "I saved one just for you in front of moi!"

Adrien sat down next to his new cellmate, a boy who wore glasses like Father. But unlike Father, Adrien had a feeling this boy wore them more out of necessity rather than as a fashion statement. "So, you're _Chloe's_ friend, huh?" the boy sneered. "How rich are you?"

Adrien excitedly opened a dictionary to 'rich' and pointed to the diagram, "That's my Father."

The other boy's glasses slipped off his face and for some reason Adrien could've sworn euro signs replaced his eyeballs. Weird. "My man! Broseph! Fellow rebel!" The boy took Adrien's hand and forced him to go through some intricate handshakes, high fives, and fist bumps. "Look at us! What is happening here? There is a connection! I can tell! We have a vibe, dude!"

"It's not 'dude', it's pronounced 'Adrien.'" Adrien wondered why people kept getting his name wrong.

"And you can call me Nino. The two of us are gonna be the best of friends, dude! You ever in the need of somebody to hold your wallet, I totally got your back, campadre."

"You talk a lot like my magical cat."

A third voice interrupted this blossoming friendship, "Thank you, Mistress. I will cherish this forever."

Adrien turned towards the odd words to find a redheaded girl kneeling before Chloe while cradling a chewed up wad of gum. Chloe scoffed, "You idiot, Sabrina. Put the gum on Marinette's chair."

"Chloe!" Adrien stood in shock as Sabrina obeyed the order. "Why are you making your servant do that?"

"Trust me, the girl sitting there needs to be put in her place."

Adrien looked down at the wad of gum. It waited for an innocent pair of pants to ruin. Morally speaking, such an act was atrocious. But in _school_ , morals mean nothing. Only the strong survive. From the cursory glances he took of the class, Adrien could tell these were the coldest sons of bitches he'd ever face. If he didn't want to be perceived as weak, he would need to outdo Chloe. He knelt over the chair and began to pry away the gum.

Just outside, Alya and Marinette were wrapping up a conversation. "Hypothetically speaking," Marinette prompted, "if you were forced to become a superhero completely against your will and you totally fucked it up..."

"Oh, I would immediately dump those powers on you before anybody found out," Alya answered without hesitation.

"Really?"

"No question. I would go straight to you, distract you with some kind of ironically relevant question and slip whatever magical item grants those powers into your bag. Why do you ask?"

The always quitting Marinette dropped the octagonal box into Alya's bag, "Just thinking out loud."

They then entered the classroom and Marinette saw Adrien hunched over her chair.

"What are you doing?!" demanded Marinette.

"Oh! This must be your seat." Adrien gave the girl his best model smile. "Sorry, there was some chewing gum on there and I was scraping it off for you."

At first, she didn't believe him, but something about this new boy's honest charm and moldy flip-flops disarmed Marinette, "...Oh. Well, thank you very much. How kind of you. I'm Marinette." She held out her hand.

He took her hand with a gentle shake, "Adrien."

And then he shanked Marinette in the gut repeatedly. After she had collapsed from blood loss, Adrien snarled at the rest of the class and showed off his sharpened red and silver spoon, "And don't any of you forget it!" He took his seat next to Nino.

Nino nodded in respect, "Right on, dude."

Thankfully, Marinette was able to grab her emergency medkit taped under her original desk before Chloe kicked her away. With a silent glare pointed squarely at Adrien, she silently bandaged her wounds and took her gum-free seat.

Alya uploaded the entire ordeal to her 'I Totally Ship Them' Blog.

 _Meanwhile, downstairs:_

Mylene burst out of the girl's room! She had spent too long changing her dread beads or whatever you want to call it and was going to be late for class! She ran straight into heavily breathing Ivan.

"Ivan! Y-You...," she nervously fidgeted then smiled hungrily, "You _scaaared_ me." She caught herself and pretended to be afraid again, "I mean, what do you want from me, here, alone, where nobody could hear me scream for help?"

"Sooooong..." moaned the behemoth and raised his smartphone. He pressed play and ear-splitting hard rock blasted from the phone speakers. Ivan then proceeded to sing the loving lyrics he had painstakingly put to paper for 18 whole minutes. He sounded like an orc gargling sewer water.

The romantic message was clear to Mylene and it nearly made her swoon, "Oh my..." She caught herself and ran, "No! I'm not ready!"

Furious at his failure, Ivan crumpled the lyrics page and sat down.

 _Meanwhile:_

In a tower hidden somewhere in Paris, a great spiral window opened, illuminating the haunting figure of a man throwing holy water on his face. "Begone, demon! I damn thee!"

"Ohhoohoohoo!" cackled Nooroo. "How refreshing. You'll have to do better than that, Gabriel. But wait..." they turned to the window. "It seems Ivan is ready for round two. Shall we?"

The black butterfly in the head of his cane apparated out and fluttered through the window. "You monster! Can't we give him more cartoonish powers? Something like giant bubbles or the power of the internet? He's only a child!" Gabriel cried as he fruitlessly clawed at the escaping insect.

"Yes," agreed Nooroo, "And children make the best soldiers."

The dark messenger flew across the city and landed on Ivan's crumpled page of lyrics. A pair of fashionably neon-pink butterfly-themed sunglasses appeared on his face. He saw the masked face of a panicking man, "Don't listen to me! Cover your ears!"

"How Ivan cover ears if Ivan no listen?" pondered Ivan.

The silver-masked man's face snapped from terrorfied to conniving and an almost completely different voice came from his lips, "Here we go again, Ivan. This time I got you an army to cover your rock hard ass. Have fun! Heeheeheehaaahahaahh!" For a second time, Ivan was swallowed by bubbling darkness and transformed into Stoneheart! His glowing green eyes flashed and across the city the hundreds of petrified stonepeople came to life!

 _Back at the classroom:_

"Agreste, Adrien," called Miss Bustier, reading off the class roster.

The blonde was immediately confused until Nino nudged him, "She's checking if you're here."

Not wanting to anger the warden, Adrien jumped to his feet and shouted, "Present!"

The entire class, except Marinette, snickered much to his embarrassment. He shrunk back into his seat. As Miss Bustier continued, he wondered why this school wasn't going the way he had seen in his animes. Had he been wrong? Nearly an hour gone and nothing had interrupted them. Zero magical schoolgirls. No secret societies. And absolutely no monst—

"MYLENE!" roared Stoneheart as be broke through the classroom door.

"Finally! This is what I've been waiting for!" Adrien celebrated and ran out to transform.

The great rock monster picked up the cowering Mylene. "Oh no, I've been taken by a huge, hulking monster," Mylene shuttered in ecstasy. Then she remembered everyone was watching and pretended to be afraid, "I mean, oh nooo! Heeelp! I've been taken by a huge, hulking monster!" Her performance was not convincing.

"Stoneheart love Mylene forever!" Stoneheart shouted and then picked up Chloe. "Stoneheart smash Chloe forever!" Rather than using either of the two Stoneheart-sized windows in the classroom, Stoneheart kicked down the wall between the windows and dropped to the streets below.

Immediately, Alya was filming over the edge of the new hole in the wall, "Come on, Marinette! I need an unlucky civilian to be the star!"

"Sure you do, but first, how about you look in your bag?" Marinette sweetly suggested.

"There's no time! I must blog!"

"It'll only take a second! Here, look! I'm holding your bag open for you! Turn your neck!" she angrily pointed to the clearly visible octagonal box.

"BLOG!" the battlecry echoed down the street as Alya dove headfirst out the hole.

"Bitch, get back here and take care of my problems!" Marinette dove after her.

 _Meanwhile:_

Mylene and Chloe struggled in the iron grip of the powerful villain. "Please, Ivan, what are you going to do to us?" begged Mylene.

"Stoneheart take Mylene to Eiffel Tower. Stoneheart marry Mylene!" he explained like it was simple.

"Ha!" scoffed Chloe, "You really think any girl would be into an anthropomorphized pile of boulders?"

Mylene fanned her blushing cheeks and whispered, "I mean… I'm not against it."

Chloe blinked, "Wait… What?"

"Dynamic Entrance!" the heroic voice of Chat Noir came from above as the cat hero delivered a mighty blow to Stoneheart's head. Stoneheart glowed and grew bigger. "Oh right, I forgot about that..."

"More Stonehearts!" the villain called. At his orders, the hundred of reanimated Stonehearts flooded the streets. They surrounded Chat Noir. "Hahaha! What cat do? Stoneheart have o-o-one, t-ttt-ttttwoo, th-thhhhhhhh—"

"Three?" suggested Mylene as Alya and Marinette arrived on the scene.

"More than three Stonehearts!" He sneered down at Chat Noir, "Cat have one cat."

"Count again!"

"Was that Ladybug?" Alya pointed her camera to the roof and saw _three_ heroic figures.

Principal Damocles flapped his cardboard owl wings, "You'll _roost_ this day, villain!"

Mr. Ramier aimed his pigeon armada down at the rock monsters, "Rrrrooo!"

French Punisher ate a croissant.

Marinette pinched the bridge of her nose, "You've gotta be fucking kidding me."

The Street Heroes of Paris attacked! Flocks of pigeons swarmed nearly half of the stone army, taking them down in seconds! Principal Damocles paralyzed more with figuring out how to count to five!

The French Punisher looked at his useless fists. "HA!" laughed a Stoneheart, "Hit Stoneheart, Stoneheart get bigger! What you do?"

He adjusted his beret, "I'mma beat an asshole with another asshole." He hefted a Stoneheart over his head and proceeded to use him as a club!

"Paris has become an all out warzone…" Alya whispered in horror, "And I'm getting the best angles!"

"Alya, look in the fucking bag!" screamed Marinette. A car then dropped between them, trapping Alya against the building wall! "Oh good, anything else?" Marinette asked the Universe. Chat Noir was then taken captive by another Stoneheart. Marinette watched helplessly as the three hostages were taken away. She was powerless to help them.

Or was she…?

Marinette pulled out the octagonal box, inside lay the weapons she could use to save the day.

She could be a hero.

She could…

"You know what? No. I'm being guilt tripped. I quitted and there's no shame in that! There are literally _millions_ of people in this city, Universe, find someone else!" She chucked the box down the street. It bounced off a Stoneheart, was crushed open by one of French Punisher's biceps, and the earrings were flung off a pigeon's wings needle first into Marinette's ears. "FUCK!"

Immediately, a red ball of energy emerged from the earrings, "FOR UNTOLD GENERATIONS HAVE I SLUM—MOTHERFUCKER!" The ball disappeared to reveal a very angry Tikki. "YOU AGAIN?!"

"Yeah, yeah, how do you think I feel? These crappy things missed the piercings this time! Now I got four holes in my lobes" She pried at her bloody ears.

"Hey, Marinette, what'cha doing over there?" called Alya from behind the car.

"Nothing!"

"It kinda sounds like instead of saving me by tipping this car over, you're talking to somebody."

"Mind your own business."

The kwami roared, "You quitted!"

"And I'm still quitting! Do you think I want to be haunted by a soul eating freak with spots on her body? Oh merde, did I just say—"

"NO! NO! YOU IDIOT!" Before the kwami could say more, she was sucked into the earrings and in a flourish of red Marinette became Ladybug.

With the return of the Miraculous power came the confidence and with the confidence came...rage.

"Yeah… okay…"

With a single finger she pushed away the car that was pinning Alya.

"Yeah, okay."

She took a page from the French Punisher and armed herself with a Stoneheart.

"YEAH! OKAY!"

She charged like a bull through the Stoneheart lines, bashing each and every one to pieces!

"YOU WANT ME TO BE LADYBUG?! FINE! I'M LADYBUG!"

With an earth shattering blow she freed Chat Noir and they both arrived at the Eiffel Tower. Atop, the original Stoneheart roared with Mylene and Chloe in his grips.

Seeing the red in her eyes, Chat Noir took a step back, "Whoa, Ladybug, I think you need to calm down."

"NEVER!" she ran full force at the tower! And was promptly flung back with a direct hit from a Chloe missile.

"You saved me!" cheered Chloe. "Ooh, what is that suit made of? Latex? That gives me ideas for tonight with Sabrina."

Ladybug grumbled and tossed the unluckily still alive Chloe to Mayor Bourgeois, "Alright, we won't go with the direct approach. Got an idea?"

"Stand aside, Ladybug!" ordered Gun-Man as he stood behind his police squad, "We've been preparing for this moment!" He pointed to a giant semi-truck plastered with the words 'King Kong Contingency.'

Ladybug and Chat Noir paused.

"You've got a plan for when a monster climbs the Eiffel Tower with a hostage?" asked Ladybug.

Gun-Man nodded, "Y'up."

"...Is it cool?" asked Chat Noir.

"See for yourselves." He shouted to the huge team manning the massive semi-truck, "Let 'er rip!"

Fourteen officers flipped switches simultaneously and several dozen locking mechanisms released! Steam and fog hissed from the cracks appearing along the truck's payload! The trailer divided down the middle and unfolded itself with hydraulic arms! From within, an engine powered to life!

"All systems online!" a mechanical voice announced.

A pillar of light erupted from the trailer so bright that the sun itself was dim in comparison! Several people went blind. From the wall of brilliance emerged a great mechanical figure! At first, Ladybug and Chat Noir thought it was a helicopter, but helicopters don't have arms and legs...

The being pumped its buzzsaw equipped limbs and proclaimed, "I AM HELI-CHOPPER!"

"It's a transformer…" gasped Ladybug with stars in her eyes. "They made a giant robot! I LOVE GIANT ROBOTS!"

"This is the coolest!" agreed Chat Noir.

"Go get 'em, Heli-Chopper," ordered Gun-Man.

The metal titan ran a diagnostics check on Stoneheart, "That is not a massive monkey, gorilla, and/or ape. This is beyond my programming. I cannot help you." Heli-Chopper flew away to parts unknown.

"Hey! Where you going?" called Gun-Man, "Damn it, there goes 400 billion euros."

"...Well, that was disappointing," Ladybug sighed, "Any other ideas?" Suddenly, Stoneheart gagged and choked! He coughed in pain, grabbing at his rocky throat until he collapsed on his back and moved no more. "Oh. He died. That works," shrugged Ladybug. Stoneheart sputtered back to life and puked out a cloud of black butterflies!

The insects collected above the tower and arranged themselves in a cloud until they resembled a dark face. "Oh my Astruc! What the fuck? Am I giant head made of butterflies?! Wait, can you hear me?"

Everyone in Paris tentatively nodded.

"Perfect! You have to help me, I'm being possessed! My name is Grgabkkjlkl—" His expression twisted and went slack. He slowly smiled, "Heeellloooo, Paris! Sorry about that. My little toy Hawkmoth needs to learn to keep his mouth shut when the adults are talking. You can call me your new lord and master Nooroo."

The many remains of the Stoneheart army gathered under the tower. In their clutches were the beaten and bruised street heroes.

"As you can see, your pathetic protectors have no chance against me," Nooroo continued. "Now, I may be swayed to spare your meaningless lives. If you hand over Ladybug and Chat Noir, I'll go. Simple as that. No tricks."

Mayor Bourgeois stepped forward, his chest held high and his strong eyes locked with the demonic visage, "Deal."

Ladybug and Chat Noir were immediately tackled by the entire police force.

"Whoa… for real?" sputtered Nooroo.

"We're French," Bourgeois shrugged, "We're known for Les Miz, eating snails, and surrendering unconditionally."

"Sweet," smirked Nooroo.

"I'M ONLY HALF FRENCH!" Ladybug erupted, launching the fifty or so policemen off her body. Her murderous glare made the Mayor and his four chins cower. "Hawkmoth!" she called to the head, "I know you can hear me! You're the only one who can stop Nooroo! You have everything you need!"

Nooroo broke into mocking laughter, "Ohoohoohoohoooo! What dribble are you going to spew? Friendship? Loooove?"

"Fuck love and fuck friendship!"

Harrowing silence.

Nooroo's laughs caught in its throat.

Chat Noir gaped.

Heli-Chopper nodded in approval.

"Despite what you see in cartoons, there's some merde that love and friendship _CAN'T_ solve! Like when your only friend uses you to make themself more popular! Or when you give someone a chance only to get stabbed in the stomach! Or when you're forced to become a hero and have to protect an entire damn city of French cowards who would you give you up in a heartbeat to save their own assholes!"

Bourgeois flapped his flabby lips, "B-B-But I—"

"Shh!" Chat Noir stopped him. "Let her finish. This is getting sexy."

Ladybug gnashed her teeth and shouted even louder, "Life can be amazing! But it can also be a dumpster fire! When these fucked up things happen, you can only respond in one way… FIGHT! HAWKMOTH!" Across the city, Hawkmoth could hear Ladybug's cry even without the magical connection. He trembled at the power of her fury. He saw the young heroine's determination shining brightly like a star, "The one who needs to fight Nooroo is _YOU_!"

The stunned giant head stared for a few seconds… then guffawed, "HEEEEHEEEHAHAAAHHAA! That was new. I admit, since the beginning of time, I have never heard that one. Using hate against _me?_ Like that would work. Hahaaahahaa!"

"I hate—" a voice sounded. Ladybug was shocked to see Chat Noir come to her side, "I hate making a complete asshat of myself in front of everybody because I don't know what I'm doing. It's the worst."

Gun-Man stood by them too, "I hate safeties. They make guns less fun."

"I hate everyone who isn't me," added Chloe.

"I hate Nutella!" pouted the Mayor, "Yeah, I know I'm European, but that merde is overrated!"

"I hate traffic!" an unexpected person shouted from the next block. More Parisians joined in and soon the entire population of Paris was naming every terrible thing life threw at them: homework, mortgages, bad hair days, hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia! They were all laid bare!

"And you can add Akumas and _you_ to that list, Nooroo!" Ladybug finished, "We're not afraid of you. We hate you!"

Nooroo took a step back, the combined glares of over 2 million mortals pointed directly at it filled the demon with a sensation it hadn't felt in a mellenia… fear. "W-What, you think that actually makes a difference? I cannot be stopped by—" Breathing suddenly became difficult. Nooroo grabbed at the mortal throat it was using only to feel foreign words whisper from its lips, "...i hate..."

"That's it!" implored Ladybug. "Say it!"

"Say it!" cheered Paris.

"We beweeve in you, Hawkmoth!" said a small child with twinkling eyes.

The city gave their support, their collective chants reaching across the city and echoing into the hidden tower, "HAWKMOTH! HAWKMOTH! HAWKMOTH!"

"...i hate… What are you doing?" Nooroo momentarily regained control, "I am hate! ...i hate… You can't overpower me! I am Noo—" The cane bashed against his head and Gabriel spoke, "Shut up, Nooroo, I hate your dumb voice."

Huzzahs roared across Paris. The policemen around Ladybug hugged each other in victorious congrats. A leather gloved hand fell on her shoulder and she looked up at Chat Noir who smiled with respect.

"That'll do, pig," he said. "That'll do."

She blinked, "...The fuck you call me?"

"Thank you, Ladybug," the giant head gratefully nodded, "Thank you for showing me the power of hatred. Now, I can use that power to take your Miraculous!"

The party stopped.

"Are you shitting me?!" cried Ladybug.

"What?" Hawkmoth smirked, "I still want ultimate power. Muahahaahaah!"

"Uh, now should we try love?" suggested Chat Noir.

"Nope, he had his chance," Ladybug slingshotted herself high into the Eiffel tower. Her yo-yo opened and she said, "By the power invested in me by Thomas Astruc, unholy demons, I damn thee!" With a tornado of furious swings and swipes, her yo-yo collected every last butterfly making the head! She landed on the tower and spoke to the newscopter nearby, "And let me make this absolutely clear. I am done! I don't wanna be Ladybug."

"Wait... really?!" asked Hawkmoth through Stoneheart's mouth.

"Yeah, I'm quitting and there's no shame in that. Any dumbass interested in this job, search your nearest trash can for abandoned earrings." With that... _heroic_ announcement, she released the swarm of purified butterflies. "And now, I guess, we gotta deal with Stoneheart," sighed Ladybug.

Instantly, Stoneheart de-akumatized and the last black butterfly flew straight into Ladybug's yo-yo. Seconds later, Chat Noir landed next to Ladybug, "Here to back you—Huh? That was quick."

"And that's the power of hatred," Ladybug folded her arms with pride.

 _Back at the tower:_

Gabriel stood over the cowering Nooroo, "No more violent Akumas. Only weirdly creative if somewhat ridiculous Akumas. We understand each other, Nooroo? "

"Yes..." the demon hissed.

"Yes, what?" the man stomped his foot.

"Yes... _master._ " The word was like poison on Nooroo's tongue. Never had it been subservient to a mortal. It was against its nature, but it seemed its unholy influence held no more sway over the man. Biding time was the only option. In time Nooroo would regain strength. For now, Nooroo would do as this lowly human said and wait.

Wait for Duusu…

"Good," Gabriel strapped on a snorkel and called, "Nathalie!" His assistant entered the hidden tower, "Get ready, we're going dumpster diving for magical earrings."

She held up her phone which showed multiple photos of him dressed as Hawkmoth, "No, we're having a talk."

 _Back with the heroes:_

Ladybug quickly repaired the damages and de-stoned the army with her Miraculous Ladybug. As the police took down their barricades, Ivan and Mylene kept looking away from each other awkwardly. This pissed Ladybug right the hell off.

"GUYS!" she shoved them together, "Do you know how many people died because you couldn't be honest with each other? TALK!"

This got things going. "Mmmm, Ivan like Mylene," the boy grumbled.

"I know, I grasped that from your song" Mylene sighed. "But Ivan, there's something you need to know. I'm a…" She squeezed her eyes shut and squeaked, "Monster lover. I love big, horrific, creepy, _monsters!_ " Mylene covered her mouth and blushed bright red.

Ivan scratched his tiny head, "Mylene like Ivan?"

She let out an embarrassed laugh, "Like? Ivan, the whole time you were holding me with your rocky, disturbing, inhuman..." she swallowed and fanned herself. "Let's just say, you should wash your hand." She eventually recovered and sheepishly asked, "Do you think I'm weird?"

A dopey smile spread across Ivan's face because he didn't hear no, "Ivan be gentle."

Mylene grinned hungrily, "Don't you dare, big boy." She dove into his monstrous arms and the two set off as a new couple.

"Finally!" Ladybug threw up her hands and said to Chat Noir, "Isn't it frustrating to watch two people who obviously like each other take _forever_ to just come out and say it?"

"Come now, Milady, there's no need to be _cat-ty_ ," snarked Chat Noir and gave a hearty SLAP to her butt.

Ladybug stiffened, "Great, I now hate puns. Now I will forever associate puns with sexual harassment. You and I are not going to get along." She swung away.

 _The Next Day, in the Agreste limo_ :

"I can really go to school, Father?" Adrien excitedly asked the live broadcast of his only surviving parent.

"As long as your bodyguard drives you and you stick to the schedule provided by Nathalie," the man nodded.

"Thank you, Father!" he hugged the monitor. Adrien then hopped out of the car and ran up the school steps.

"There," grumbled Gabriel and turned to Nathalie in the next seat, "I did what you said, now you won't tell anyone about the _butterfly_ incident, right?"

Nathalie turned off the monitor, "We got the day off, Ape-Man. What do you want to do?"

Ape-Man thought for a moment and started the limo, "Spa."

 _Inside the school:_

"You're all crazy!" proclaimed Marinette when she entered her classroom. Every student, boy and girl, was covered in trash with at least six pair of earring in each blood covered ear. It was shocking how many people she had seen digging in the landfills looking for the Miraculous earrings. Their efforts were pointless, she hadn't even bothered to throw them out yet. They still sat in that dumb broken box in her bag. Now that Mayor Bourgeois had re-tweaked the vigilante law, allowing only Ladybug and Chat Noir to play hero, they would eventually be somebody else's problem.

With a confident strut, Marinette dragged Alya up to her old, safe desk. "Um, excuse me," bitched Chloe when she entered, "you're in the wrong seat."

"Didn't you hear, Chloe?" Marinette popped open the medkit taped under her desk and brandished the scalpel from within. "Hate conquers all! Now sit your bony ass back in your other seat before I make your outsides as scarred and unloved as your insides."

For moment, Chloe respected Marinette.

The class whooped and hollered at the display of dominance and Marinette basked in it. This nightmare was finally over. There was no shame. She was out. She had quit.

 _Later, outside school:_

Tikki gripped Marinette's collar and growled into her face, "You can only quit ONCE!"

"Huh!"

Tikki massaged her bulbous head, "It's a failsafe! In case an underage, unqualified, untrained dumbass like you gets a hold of a Miraculous, the magical contract can be voided ONCE! No one has re-entered into the contract because no one has ever been so STUPID!"

The full implications of the curse dawned on the girl, "So, what you're saying is..."

"Kiss your normal life goodbye. Under contract by Astruc Himself, you are Ladybug until the day you die," Tikki slapped Marinette across the face and settled into the cluttered pink purse that was now her new home.

Then it started to rain. The nightmare continues. She was in. She couldn't quit. Marinette reacted appropriately, "...aaaaaaAAAAAAHHHHH!"

"Is this a bad time?" stepped in Adrien.

"YEEEESSSSS!" was her answer.

"I'll make this quick then," Adrien drew out his spoon shank. Instinctively, Marinette covered her still healing gut, but then froze when Adrien offered her the weapon. "I think I… I made a mistake. You see, I've never been to school or had friends or been outside unsupervised for more than two minutes." With his other hand, he popped open an umbrella and covered them both from the rain. "I shouldn't have shanked you, I'm sorry. It's only fair that you get to return the favor."

The shank waited for Marinette in his palm, "I… uh… You want me to stab you? Cause that's really fucked up."

"Is it? Sorry, still figuring out the whole friendship thing." He moved to put the shank away but Marinette grabbed his wrist.

"Wait!" She didn't expect it but… there was a odd fluttering sensation in her chest. It was like internal bleeding except… nice. "W-Why?"

He shrugged, "You're obviously having a bad day and I wasn't helping. Thought I should try to change that."

Kindness…

Her heart pounded faster. After all the merde she had been through, this one person, in his own quirky way, was being genuinely kind to her. A shining good deed in her weary world. She gently took the spoon. With a warm smile, he also gave her the umbrella and stretched his arms wide for her to attack where she chose.

She got so lost in his emerald eyes that she didn't even notice where the blade pierced.

"Gah! Agh! Lot more painful than I imagined! Think you punctured my lung!" Adrien gripped at the growing red spot on his chest and laughed at the agony. His limo pulled up and he woozily stumbled down the steps. Adrien waved to her, "I'll see you tomorrow."

Marinette, in a trance, barely waved back, "Yeah, be you-me you-see you."

Adrien then fainted from his wound. He was dragged into the limo by a freshly manicured Nathalie who groaned, "Someday we're gonna be too late to save this kid." Ape-Man adjusted his new perm and drove them to the hospital.

Tikki floated back out and gave Marinette a look over, "I know that face. Your estrogen kicked in, didn't it?"

"I want him…" She spread his precious, pure, perfect blood across her face. The scent filled her nostrils. _The scent of Adrien._ "Every moment of my life from this second onward will be dedicated to him. My walls will become a shrine to his godlike existence." Manon strolled by and set Marinette on fire but the flames that engulfed her only fueled the girl's mad declaration! "The world revolves around Adrien! MY Adrien! NOBODY ELSE CAN HAVE MY ADRIEN!"

Tikki stared, "...Wow."

 _Seventeen years later:_

"And that's how I met your mother," the now grown Adrien finished telling the story to his two children.

The kids shivered under their blankets, "Dad, mom sounded scary."

"Shh! She still is, son," Adrien whispered in fear. He eyed the slightly open bedroom door. The dark hallway beyond hid many secrets. She could be listening right now and they'd have no clue. "That's why we don't keep spoons in the house."

END

hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia: [Noun] Fear of long words.


	23. 4th Miraculous Secretion

_100 reviews and we're only halfway done! WOOO!_

Secretion 4  
 **Justice  
** _By: I Write Big_

Homework had a peculiar place in Marinette's life. Most children her age dread doing their school assignments, preferring to spend their time having fun or going to the movies or doing drugs. While Marinette was not against the occasional alcoholic binge, she was also of the strong opinion that she had more than enough _fun_ in her life. The calm, almost banal, activity of homework was a welcome sanctuary from the daily insanity.

"An essay on who inspires me and why? Hmm..." Marinette scratched her head with her freshly sharpened pencil and gazed down at the blank pages. She looked to the Kwami perched on her computer, "Do you think inspiring _fear_ counts, Tikki?"

"I'm flattered, but no," Tikki shrugged, completely disinterested.

"Hopelessness?" suggested Marinette as she thought of her dad's re-imprisonment.

"...What?"

"Ooh! Despair? Inevitability? Depression?"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa!" Tikki waved her nubs to make Marinette stop, "Not that I care, but you're clearly approaching this wrong. Your teacher wants to hear about who inspires you in a _positive_ way."

Marinette blinked a couple times at the idea, "Oh! You mean like Adrien!"

"That is not positive! That is a false idol you built on a fantasy!" The Kwami shuddered at the newest addition to the Adrien shrine: a full body mannequin that was dressed to resemble the boy. The hair was made from actual clippings Marinette had snipped off the back of Adrien's head during class. She knew this was only a couple steps away from the skinsuit stage. That was not something Tikki wanted to deal with. "And the more you build that fantasy, the more disappointed you'll be with the reality!"

Marinette sighed heavily, "Tikki, if there's one thing life has taught me, it's that I have zero control over my reality. I mean, name a single time when I or somebody else did something that positively affected my life!"

The trapdoor was thrust open by Sabine, "Marinette! We got to get to the courthouse!"

Marinette slapped Tikki into her purse, "Wh-What? Why?"

"There's no time to explain!" She shoved her daughter down the stairs, "Something positive is affecting our lives!"

* * *

 _Later at the courthouse:_

The judge scratched his chin as the parole officer with red glowing robotic eyes continued, "And as you can see, Your Honor, I am perfectly healthy, alive, and most definitely human. I simply misplaced myself these last several weeks."

The judge nodded in acknowledgement of the facts presented, "We're all glad to see you again, Officer. In regards to your assigned felon Mr. Dupain...?"

"Based upon my time with Mr. Dupain," the Officer mechanically motioned to the baker in handcuffs, "I have concluded that he is an upright citizen who does not present any danger to society. It is my recommendation that he be released immediately."

"Your recommendation is noted, Officer, and will be considered in Mr. Dupain's next appeal—" A bolt of electricity shot from the parole officer's hand and ZAPPED into the judge's skull! Immediately, the judge's eyes were replaced with robotic red ones! "I drop all charges!" the judge beeped as he banged his gavel.

Righteous applause erupted from the citizens watching! The bailiff unlocked Mr. Dupain's cuffs and Mrs. Cheng hugged him tenderly! It was over! He was free!

Marinette hid behind her seat, shaking at the sight of the still glowing red robotic eyes both the parole officer and the judge shared. The officer turned and stiffly walked to her, a plastic smile permanently ingrained into its cheeks.

"Salutations, Miss Dupain-Cheng," it greeted.

The revelation nearly gave Marinette a heart attack, "D...D...D—"

"Officer DB-M-9K 3.0, at your service." The abomination's arms creaked and its joints cracked as it tipped its hat at the girl. "Fear not. With my collected knowledge and new mode of transportation, I shall be bringing the Universe in for questioning in due time. Especially with my new _influence upgrade_."

The forever robotosized judge jerkily banged his gavel, "Case dismissed. Initiate program LunchBreak dot exe."

"Justice shall be served, Miss," it promised Marinette. "The Universe has much to fear from me."

END

 _...beep boo-boo-bop boo-boo-beep..._


	24. 16 Alya Comes Outta The Closet

_QUESTION: Be honest! How many of you are here because of the chapter title?_

* * *

 _PROLOGUE_

 _"Officer Amelie, why are you on a motorcycle?" I asked after I had managed to push through the huge crowd of people._

 _Amelie pointed to the dozen other uniformed officers on motorcycles, "Az wizz most memberz of zee law enforcement, I am part of zee Baztille Day parade, Monsieur Big."_

 _"Bastille Day?" I asked, drawing a blank. "Huh, didn't think Parisians were that into British Pop bands."_

 _The officer looked appalled, "Zis iz National Holiday of France!"_

 _"OH! Like the Fourth of July?"_

 _"Non!" She revved her bike's engine in frustration. "Zee Fourz iz bloated celebration of stupid Americanz signing dramatic breakup letter wizz equally stupid British! Baztille Day iz about French pride, unity, yet anozer victory in zee World Cup! And zee fact zat we destroyed a castle!"_

 _"Destroyed a castle! Badass! I think I'm getting into this Bastille Day, count me in!" More than ready to join the festivities, I hopped onto the back of Amelie's bike and throttled the ignition!_

 _"What are you—NO!"_

 _Up at the front of the parade:_

 _French President Macron observed that of the 9 synchronized jets that flew over him, the one on the far left had released red colored powder trail instead of blue. Now the sky French flag resembled more of an American flag, which just pushed his buttons. Every day it was Americans were abandoning this treaty, Americans were insulting that country. Could one day pass without America taking the spotlight?_

 _At that point, a motorcycle zoomed past, carrying a barely steering officer and loudly cheering man, "WOO! Go France!"_

 _Macron turned to one of his aids and calmly said, "Make zure zat man getz a metal."_

 _...TO BE CONTINUED..._

* * *

 **Miraculous Headache  
** _Chapter 16: Alya Comes Outta The Closet  
_ By: I Write Big

A wise man once said, 'money can't buy you happiness but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it.' Nino was just now figuring this out. No matter how many movie theaters, gold plated jetpacks, and private nude islands he owned, there always seemed to be something missing.

"UGH! I totally don't get it, dude!" Nino poked his head around the corner and watched Marinette and Alya read a fashion magazine together, "How is love supposed to fill this emptiness I feel?"

"Trust me, Nino," Adrien patted his back, "During my designated monthly hour with Father, I forget all about Mother's mysterious disappearance and the terrifyingly painful hole the trauma has ripped into where my heart once was..."

Adrien went deathly quiet for a while.

"Which is why you should ask out Marinette. She's kind, sweet, and cute. She's practically the perfect girl. Plus she's so determined, doesn't take merde from anybody. Oh and don't forget about her ass. As my Father would say, 'you could bounce a thousand euro coin of that booty.'"

Nino suspiciously stared at Adrien as he continued to list Marinette's positives for another 3 full minutes. When his friend eventually stopped he asked, "...Dude, are you sure you ain't into Marinette?"

"Me?" Adrien was genuinely shocked, "No way, we're just friends."

Around the corner, Marinette grabbed at her chest and wailed in pain.

"If you say so…" Nino relented, not entirely convinced. "It's kinda weird, though," Nino shuffled in his after-school emerald studded sneakers, "How much does the love of a girl cost?"

"200 an hour, minimum. 250 if she's willing to let your friend join," Miss Bustier informed as she passed by.

"I can afford that!" After a moment of celebration, Nino's bravado was suddenly replaced by nervousness, "But what do I say?"

Adrien gave him a fist bump, "Don't worry, Nino, I've got your back. Anime has prepared me for this moment. We just need to figure out what kind of dere she is."

* * *

 _Meanwhile:_

Marinette survived her oddly random heart attack and had finished drooling over pictures of Adrien while sitting. Now she was doing her second favorite thing in the world: drooling over pictures of Adrien while walking.

"Oooh! My Adrien so dreamy and hot!" she cooed.

"Yes," agreed Alya through a forced smile, "because, as teenage girls, we are incapable of having any other interests besides staring at guys."

"I know! Isn't it great?" Marinette then stumbled into Nino who promptly held out a wad of cash.

"I WISH TO PURCHASE YOUR SERVICES!" he shouted at the top of his lungs.

Both girls blinked at the demand.

Adrien quickly stepped in, "What he meant to say was that he wants to invite us all to the…" He nudged Nino.

"ZOO! I HAVE BOUGHT THE ZOO!" Nino continued to shout.

"Nino, stop talking," Adrien instructed and the boy shoved his own fist in his mouth. "What do you girls say? Four o'clock?"

As Marinette gawked in worship, Alya quickly stepped in, "Sounds great! Marinette loves animals, especially the snake pit, right, Marinette?" She nudged the girl.

She immediately snapped out of her daze, "I love zoonimals, I MEAN, anizools, I MEAN, Zootopia. I love Zootopia. I am a furry now. I regularly dress as a flamingo—"

"Marinette, stop talking," Alya instructed and the half-chinese girl promptly shoved her own fist in her mouth. "We'll see you there."

After the boys left, Marinette spat out her fist and asked, "What just happened?"

"Adrien asked you out," shrugged Alya.

Light from the heavens above shined down upon Marinette and she heard a choir of cherubim sing in glorious praise! Then she realized, "GAAAH! I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!"

"Exactly," evilly cackled Alya as she primed her phone.

ALYA, HELP ME!" Marinette hugged Alya, shoving her face in her friend's chest.

"WHOA!" Alya blushed as the repressed feelings came rushing back. "Get off, succubus! I'll help! Just stop motorboating me! I like guys! Blog! Must blog!"

* * *

 _Meanwhile by the Seine River_ :

Nino hanged up his phone, "Sweet, the deal went through and now I own a zoo. Something I never wanted but had to buy so I wouldn't look like a liar."

"So these _zoos,_ " inquired Adrien, "Are they like the private lands Father purchases to specifically hunt endangered rhinos and sometimes business rivals?"

"Dude, focus!" Nino shook Adrien, "I am going to blow this. HARD! Unless I learn to keep my cool, I'm gonna end up buying half of Paris!"

"Ooh! I know!" Adrien eagerly clapped, "How about we get mini-radios and I can coach you on what to say from a distance?"

"NO! That's what Poor Nino would've done! Rich Nino doesn't settle for radios!" Nino growled, "We have to think more expensive!"

* * *

 _Later at the Zoo:_

Marinette sat alone under the 'Now Owned by Nino' banner over the hippo exhibit and tapped at the little radio in her ear. Over a barrage of deafening static she heard Alya who hid in a tree nearby, "Mic check! One, two three. Do you read me, girl?"

"I only read good books," she responded, "I don't think I can go through with this, Alya. Do you swear you'll give me good advice?"

"Girl, this is me we're talking about," Alya deadpanned as she hit record on the third hidden camera trained on the soon to be wildfire that was Marinette's date. "My advice is be yourself. And by 'yourself' I mean be the walking natural disaster that funds my online addiction."

"At least she admits she has a problem," sighed Marinette. She covered the mic and looked down at her purse. "Are you gonna help, Tikki?"

"I don't owe you shit," was the Kwami's only answer.

Before more could be said, Alya called out, "Target spotted! South East!" Marinette spun around and tried to look cool—she didn't—only to see Nino all by himself… and covered in a metal exoskeleton! His thunderous footfalls cracked the walkway and the animals nearby cowered at the grotesque hissing of his hydraulic joints!

"Nino! Hi! You look great!" Marinette sniffed the air in search of her Adrien's scent, "Where's Adrien?"

Nino hesitated and listened to the neural implant in his skull. Hidden in some bushes nearby, Adrien stretched his limbs which were covered in a super advanced wire suit, "Let's do this." He activated the suit and a wireless connection was made with Nino's exoskeleton. Nino automatically adopted the same suave and sexy pose Adrien was making. A light glowed over Adrien's throat and he gained control over Nino's lips. "Something came up," Adrien and Nino said at the same time. "Adrien couldn't make it, so it looks like it's just us."

"Oh," acknowledged Marinette. She then tried to hop the fence into the lion exhibit.

"And there she goes," Alya commenced livestreaming to her Nature is Scary blog.

"Wait! What are you doing?!" Nino pulled Marinette back.

She whispered with hallowed despair, "I've been stood up by _my Adrien_. There's no meaning anymore." Then she dove headfirst into the crocodile lake.

"Definitely getting some dandere vibes here. Maybe a closet tsundere," observed Adrien.

"Dude, you're not helping!" Nino exclaimed as he fired a grappling hook into the water and nabbed Marinette from a croc's hungry jaws! She didn't resist as he plopped her on a bench and said, "Listen, Marinette, I swear, Adrien is coming!"

Instantly, life came back to her face, "He is?!"

"Y'up! We only have to sit here, wait for him, and not feed ourselves to the animals!"

"Okay!" agreed Marinette.

"Ugh..." groaned Alya.

"Definitely not a kuudere," thought Adrien.

* * *

 _Meanwhile, across the zoo:_

Chubby, scruffy, grumpy Otis placed the doggy bowl of raw meat chunks in front of the zoo's newest panther. He scratched behind the dangerous predator's fluffy ears, "D'aww, who's a good girl? Who's a good girl? You are! You are!"

The beast purred under his loving pets.

"Who's gonna be a better daughter than Alya? Who's gonna be a better daughter than Alya? You are! You are!"

The jungle cat didn't know how to feel about that.

"Cool!" exclaimed Kim as he and Max watched the panther eat. "Talk about an all protein diet."

"Typical diet for a feline that can run in excess of 95 kilometers per hour," observed Max.

"Kilometers?" Otis glowered at the rude boy, "I think you mean 60 _miles_ per hour. We only measure in US Standard on this show!"

"Only 60?" scoffed Kim, "Ha! I could beat that!"

"Is your friend a moron?" Otis asked Max.

"Absolutely! However..." the mad genius adjusted his glasses, "over the course of repeated Akuma attack situations I have observed this jock survive multiple would be fatal encounters. Usually, he is rescued by a last second break in the space-time continuum. It is my current theory that this jock is in some way vital to the timeline and, until he serves his purpose, is essentially death-proof. That or Alix is crushing on him so hard that she keeps using her time travel powers to save him."

"No, I'm not!" a super-embarrassed yelp came from a bush nearby and blue mini-nuclear explosion erupted from the plant.

Max concluded, "Therefore, while Kim may not be physically capable of outrunning a panther, if his life were in danger, you'd find the random introduction of foreign variables would assure his victory."

"NEEERD!" shouted Kim then caught himself, "Whoops, sorry, I meant to say, ha! Suck it! Nerd says I can beat your cat any day."

Otis sputtered at the claim, "No human is faster than a panther! Besides, panthers can do so much more than humans!"

"Yeah? Can your stupid cat do this?" Kim then pretended to remove his thumb. "She can't! Because she doesn't have _thumbs_! Ha! Got ya! Come on, Max, let's leave this poor wittle kitty alone with her angry babysitter."

"Kim, I cannot fathom a proper hypothesis for why you are being such a colossal dick," inquired Max as he followed.

"To make Chloe love me, nerd!" cried Kim, his eyes brimming with tears, "Do you think she'll notice me now?!"

The young scientist and his test subject stepped away, leaving Otis in a fit a humiliation… _and anger…_

* * *

 _Meanwhile:_

At the top of a tower hidden somewhere in Paris, a great spiral window opened, spilling in light and illuminating the haunting figure of a man making paper plate butterfly masks.

"Alright, last time I did animals I thought too small," Hawkmoth filled one of the butterflies with sickly black energy and sent it off, "Today, we go big or we go home!"

* * *

 _Back at the worst date on Earth:_

Nino and Marinette sat in awkward silence on far opposite ends of the same bench. The only sound was the occasional whistle, throat clearing, and whirr of drills as the construction workers that Nino hired finished installing the Marinette-proof barriers over the multiple carnivore exhibits. Nino was nervously waiting for that last barrier to go up when the unstable girl it was meant to protect heaved a heavy sigh.

"Adrien isn't coming, is he?"

The wire suit reactivated and Adrien took control again, lounging Nino into the most inviting pose a bulky iron exoskeleton could allow, "No, but I wanted to take this opportunity, Marinette, to tell you that I love your ass."

He lost her after 'no'. As Adrien went on and on, reciting his top 5 favorite love confessions from anime history, Marinette miraculously slipped through the last incomplete barrier and Nino had to fight off several tigers to save her. Beating the animals back, he was shocked to see Marinette sticking her head into a final tiger's drooling mouth. The tiger bit down but Nino caught the jaw! He struggled to keep the fangs from getting closer to an already dead looking Marinette, "Yo! Listen, I… I like this girl and I don't know how to tell her!"

"I don't care," she mumbled.

"Really?!" Both Nino and the tiger seem surprised, "Even if the girl I liked was you?"

"I would find a way to care even less. Let me be cat food now."

"Wait! What about, uh, uh..." he chose at random, "Merde, I dunno! Alya?"

"What?!" cried Adrien.

"What?!" Alya nearly hurled.

Instantaneously, joy and conniving mischievousness overtook Marinette and she pulled herself out of the tiger's maw! "Alya you say?"

Alya screeched into her radio, "Not happening! There's no way I'm going out with Nino!"

"Why not, Alya? I thought you liked guys," Marinette smirked knowingly.

"I like guys!" scrambled Alya, "I just—He's—He's like a brother to me!"

"And you might be into that sort of thing! Give him a chance!" Marinette excitedly whispered into the mic.

"Um, sure, yes, Alya," Nino agreed. "If we go with Alya, will you stop trying to get yourself eaten?"

Marinette laughed in delightfully pure madness, "Oh Nino, Nino, Nino." She punted the tiger away, "If there's one thing teenage girls are incapable of not doing other than drooling over guys, it's trying to forcefully get their 'in the closet' friends together with guys they find disgusting."

"You think I'm disgusting?"

"Well, you're no Adrien but that's not important!" Marinette happily led Nino out of the tiger exhibit, "I can totally fix you two on a date but we'll need to work on your game. Perhaps I can coach you on what to say while you're on your date."

"What, with like a little easily hidden radio in my ear or something..." Nino's voice trailed off as he noticed for the first time the odd headset Marinette was wearing. Nino pointed at the headset, "Wait, were you…?"

Marinette covered the device, ""NOPE! That's ridiculous! Who would come up with a plan that childish? Ooh! How about an exoskeleton that would allow me to control everything you do and say..." Marinette's voice trailed off as she noticed for the first time the iron body suit Nino was wearing. "Wait, were you…?"

Before either could put two and two together, a sickly black butterfly flew between them and continued on its way deeper into the zoo.

"Does your zoo have a butterfly exhibit?" Marinette asked with false hope.

Nino shook his head, "You know butterflies are totally illegal."

"Merde..."

* * *

 _Twenty feet away:_

The black butterfly shattered on Otis' sharktooth bracelet! A pair of fashionably neon pink butterfly glasses appeared on his face and he heard a deep voice!

"Mmm'kay!" Hawkmoth slapped on his latest paper plate butterfly mask and said, "Last animal supervillain was about pigeons. In hindsight, that was _very stupid_. You've got this panther schtick, I like that, I can give you control of panthers, but you only got the one panther here in the zoo so..."

"Give me dominion over all of them," a ferocious growl emanated from Otis' throat.

"All the... cats?" guessed Hawkmoth.

"All the _animals_!"

Hawkmoth clapped, "I like the way you think!"

Otis was swallowed by bubbling darkness and transformed into a panther! He stretched his newly ripened muscles, eager for the hunt. He turned to the panther display where his fellow cat waited and spoke with his still human voice, "Come, we shall free the others and I, Animan, will lead us in a _RAMPAGE!_ "

He reached towards the cage's lock and his paw slid uselessly over it.

"Sonuva—" He morphed into a boar. His hoof was no better. "Come on!" An elephant's trunk was no help.

"Just turn into a monkey," suggested his panther ally.

"I can do this without thumbs!"

* * *

 _Several miracles later:_

Kim and Max were checking out the gorilla exhibit when they were approached by a pack of the most dangerous animals in the zoo. At the front lines were two panthers! The one wearing a bracelet snarled, "Ready for that race, kiddo? I'll even give you a head start."

Kim shrugged, "Sure." And then he proceeded to casually stroll away at the most relaxed pace imaginable.

"You dare mock Animan?!" He let out a true roar and charged full 60 miles per hour at the boy! He leaped, unsheathing his dagger-like claws! At the last possible second, an anvil appeared in a blue mini-nuclear explosion and dropped on Animan's head.

Max took notes on the anvil's markings, "Fascinating! This anvil has been dated in Roman numerals with the year 1354."

Animan morphed into a ladybug and flew out from under the heavy metal. He transformed back into a panther and ordered, "GET HIM!" The animals stampeded after Kim, completely ignoring Max.

* * *

 _A couple exhibits away:_

Marinette and Nino waited in fear for what the Akuma might bring! They heard approaching footsteps and around the corner came… Kim? Calm and collected as can be.

"S'up, guys," he waved.

"Kim? Is anything weird happening in the zoo?" asked Marinette.

"Weird how?"

Then the wave of wild animals crashed into the path. Every beast's claws, fangs and crushing weight was aimed for Kim! In a eardrum shattering calamity of blue mini-nuclear explosions each and every animal was knocked back by randomly appearing items!

As Marinette and Nino gaped at the devastation, Kim kept strolling past them, "Can't stay and talk, sorry. I'm in the middle of a race."

The shock and pain of the multiple explosions enraged the animals and they began to charge people at random! Nino and Marinette ran in seperate directions, the girl hopping into a bush. Tikki appeared and said, "Marinette, the way you automatically went against your friend's desperate pleas and attempted to trap her in a scenario she hated without a second thought was… _monstrous_ ," Tikki nodded with respect, "Not bad."

"What are you talking about? It's called playing matchmaker. All girls do that."

"Then all human girls are monsters. Time to do your job."

In a flourish of red she became Ladybug. In another bush nearby, Adrien became Chat Noir in a blast of black.

* * *

 _With Kim:_

"WHY!" Blue mini-nuclear explosion. "CAN'T!" Blue mini-nuclear explosion. "I!" Blue mini-nuclear explosion. "GET!" Blue mini-nuclear explosion. "YOU?!" Kim yawned as Animan yet again pounced at him, disappeared into one explosion, and came out another several feet away.

"Interesting… It seems that variables from different points of time have ceased to be introduced," Max spoke into a recorder from a distance, "Either the timeline must really need Kim to survive or he's really good in bed."

"Shut up!" screamed that same super-embarrassed voice from a nearby bush.

Animan pounced again but this time a polkadotted yo-yo tied him up in unbreakable thread! "And that was officially the easiest win ever," bragged Ladybug.

Chat Noir landed at her side and offered a fist bump, "Ha, the _cat's_ in the bag."

The fist bump was denied.

"Think again," growled Animan. A large pack of his animal army surrounded them, "ATTACK!"

The heroes ran for their lives!

"How are we going to get these animals back in their cages?" panted Chat Noir.

"That'll take too long," Ladybug reasoned, "If we take out Animan, we can put them back with Miraculous Ladybug. Besides, what's the worst that could happen if we let wild animals roam free in a highly populated city?"

* * *

 _At the zoo's entrance:_

"Free mother nature's children!" chanted several PETA members. Half of the zoo's animal population charged out of the gates. Several lions attacked the PETA members who fled, screaming, "Ah! Cage mother nature's children! CAGE MOTHER NATURE'S CHILDREN!"

* * *

 _With the heroes:_

Across their path ran Nino and Alya, also being chased by wild animals. Instantly, Ladybug's matchmaker instincts went into code red. "I'll be back!" She lassoed towards the other duo and plucked them from the walkway. She tossed the two into a cage.

"It's too dangerous out there," she proclaimed, "Stay put. You'll be safe here."

"But I'm claustrophobic!" protested Alya.

"Oh dear, I guess Nino will have to _comfort_ you," Ladybug waggled her eyebrows and dropped a jukebox playing sexy sax music into the cage. She then swung away.

Nino and Alya stared awkwardly at each other until they heard a hoarse grunt behind them. Turns out, the cage wasn't empty.

"Uh, are mooses dangerous?" whispered Nino.

Alya checked her phone, "According to my Moose Facts blog, 'yes, especially when they hear the saxophone.'" The sexy sax music got even saxier.

"Merde..." muttered Nino as he powered on his exoskeleton's weapons arsenal.

* * *

 _Meanwhile, under a fast food bag somewhere:_

"My Lord!" the ladybug scout lowered his pincers the presence of his monarch. "The city is in chaos. Animals run rampant. This may be our chance to obtain the male's sample."

The monarch stomped his bendy-straw staff, "Then we must make haste!"

"Father!" a ladybug crowned with a golden bottle cap crittered forward, "Allow me to lead the regiment."

"Prince Spots, you are of royal blood. The battlefield is not your place."

"But Father—"

"Out of the question!" He waved to a ladybug armored in leaves and bubblegum wrappers, "Captain Hardshell, lead your soldiers! Do not fail us!"

"Yes, my Lord!" Hardshell marched out of the throne room, giving an apologetic look to a frustrated Prince Spots.

"Why, Father?" Spots muttered as he left, "Why won't you let me prove myself?"

* * *

 _In the city:_

Kim and Animan were walking side by side as friends, laughing like a couple of idiots. "Haha, you know what, you ain't so bad, kiddo," Animan admitted. "After exhausting myself trying to continuously eviscerate you, I've completely forgotten why I was mad in the first place."

"Really? It was because I totally burned you and your stupid love for dumb animals."

"Oh yeah..." remembered Animan, "I'LL KILL YOU!" He pounced but his ankle was caught by Ladybug's yo-yo.

"Don't test me, Animan," warned the heroine, "I'm used to abusing cats."

"And she's good at it too," purred Chat Noir. He then directed Kim, "Get moving and hide in the first building you find." As Kim took off at a snail's pace, Chat Noir slapped a blinking green disk on his back.

Meanwhile, Ladybug was ready to tie the panther back up when he morphed into a majestic eagle! The yo-yo now too loose to hold him, Animan easily flew free and glided down the Seine River.

"Well that's just great!" grumbled Ladybug. "How exactly do we catch someone who can turn into any animal at any time?"

"To horribly misquote Chris Hansen, 'to catch a predator one must use the right bait.'" Chat Noir slid open his staff to show a digital map of Paris. A blinking paw print marked Kim's location.

Ladybug blinked, "Your staff is a phone, a hi-definition spy camera, _and_ a tracking device?"

"Y'up, it's also got 5G wifi and if you flip this switch, it vibrates." _Bzzzzzt!_ "Still haven't figured out how I can use that feature." He tried to keep a straight face and failed miserably, "Pfft! Okay, I have."

* * *

 _At the first building Kim could find:_

Tom Dupain pulled a batch of fresh baguettes from the oven and inhaled their heavenly scent, "Ah… This was what I missing when I was behind bars. Good food," he wrapped an arm around Sabine, "a loving wife," he motioned to the empty bakery, "and a peaceful life."

Kim kicked down the door, "Yo, I'm being hunted by a panther or some merde. Can I crash here?"

"Keep moving, asshole," warned Tom, "I'm trying to enjoy my peaceful life."

Ladybug and Chat Noir appeared behind Kim. "Of course this is where Kim would choose to hide," Ladybug rolled her eyes.

"Ladybug and Chat Noir!" gasped Sabine. "They found us!" The woman produced a candelabra which sprouted spearheads and her husband drew two of the stalest baguettes in the bakery like they were katanas!

Chat Noir locked the door while saying, "Thanks for taking in this vulnerable kid, citizens! You're both real heroes."

"Heroes?" Tom and Sabine exchanged nervous looks and hid their super _villain_ weapons, "Uh, definitely! 100% heroes here! You must be exhausted, son, have a seat!" Tom led Kim to a chair.

"But you said to keep movi—"

"I said, have a seat!" he shoved the boy into the chair.

* * *

 _Later, upstairs:_

Kim was chillaxing like a baller on the sofa, tracking mud and dirt into the once nice cushions. Ladybug had already taken his wristband and gave some last instructions to Tom and Sabine, "Stay up here and you'll be safe. We'll take care of the Akuma."

"Yeah!" Chat Noir punched the air, "Because that's what heroes do! Take down supervillains! They can't hide forever! Sooner or later, we catch 'em!"

Tom and Sabine were sweating a storm as the duo left. "They're in the house!" squeaked Tom.

"Relax!" Sabine stroked his mutton chops, "They're not here for us. As long as we don't draw attention, we'll be fine."

Kim walked over to the kitchen, "Thanks again for letting me stay. I'mma make you both some of my signature protein shakes to show my gratitude. Hey, what does this button under the blender do?"

 _Click._

The TV slid aside, revealing the secret passageway to The Baker and The Candlestick Maker's Evil Lair! Kim whistled at the impressive dark cave of pure evil, "Oh sweet! Is this where you guys keep your gym?"

Tom and Sabine knocked him unconcscious.

* * *

 _Outside:_

Animan flapped his wings while keeping a sharp eye out for his target. He had lost the trail a while ago but he wasn't giving up that easily. Suddenly, he caught the scent! It came from a bakery on the corner! He swooped down, transformed into a ladybug and squeezed between the doorway. He zipped deeper into the building until he found Kim's sweaty wristband wrapped over the stair railing…

A trap!

"Gotcha!" Ladybug unloaded an entire can of bug spray on Animan. The Akuma fell to the floor, twitching.

"Wow, good thing we didn't try to catch him in a tiny box. Otherwise he would've just morphed and got away again," admitted Chat Noir, "But don't you think this is kinda overkill?"

Ladybug pulled out two more cans of bug spray, "Not yet it isn't." She fired both simultaneously, "DIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!" Over the sadistic laughter she belted out, Ladybug could've sworn she heard a tiny voice yell 'charge.'

Within seconds both heroes were swarmed with a cloud of biting ladybugs! It was only with the cans of insecticide that Ladybug was able to beat back the onslaught!

"What the hell was that?!" cried Ladybug.

"I don't know! But I think they were trying to get some of my hair."

Unfortunately, the distraction was long enough for Animan to recover. He morphed into a panther and chased the heroes around the bakery! With no other choices, the heroes broke down the door and dashed into the streets! Ladybug led Chat Noir into the first shelter she saw: an abandoned bus!

Animan was close behind.

Thankfully, most city buses come with a backdoor and the duo tactfully slipped out, locking the bus behind them. Animan was caged!

He growled and scratched at the shatterproof glass to avail. He morphed into a bear but that didn't help. He morphed into a ladybug but he couldn't squeeze between the plastic lining!

"Just turn into a monkey or a gorilla or something! Anything with _thumbs_!" ordered Hawkmoth.

"I can do this without thumbs!" Animan desperately cried, switching into animal after animal. The rapid exertion of his powers became too much and he collapsed. "Thumbs..." he snarled. "You all think less of animals because they don't have thumbs? Well how about this?!" He morphed again, his mass expanding larger and larger until there was an eruption of metal shrapnel as Animan became too big for the bus to contain!

"WHO NEEDS THUMBS?! I AM A MOTHERFUCKING T-REX!" He let out an ancient roar that the Earth hadn't heard since prehistoric times!

Every animal knew they were lower on the food chain than this king of predators and ducked into shadows.

Every adult was reduced to a cowering caveman and promptly shit their pants.

Every child below the age of twelve threw their arms in the air and cheered, "Cool!"

Teeth chattering, Chat Noir stuttered, "B-B-Bugaboo? What do we do?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

Ladybug stood absolutely still, "His sight is based on movement."

The T-Rex looked down at the heroes and blinked in astonishment, "Hey, where did you guys go? Where did all those cars that were parked on the road go? Where did the buildings go? This whole damn city is suddenly an empty flat plane." He stepped forward and sloppily tripped on a car. He landed with his gargantuan yet basically blind eyes right next to Ladybug. "Gah! What happened? Where am I? My stubby and thumbless arms are useless! I can't get up!"

Ladybug bug sprayed his eyes.

"AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!"

With the villain fully blind, Ladybug easily walked to the bracelet and broke it in half. She quickly de-evilized the Akuma and cast Miraculous Ladybug.

The animals were put back in their cages.

All the destruction was repaired.

The T-Rex became Otis, screaming in pain over his burning eyeballs.

"Good plan, M'lady," congratulated Chat Noir. "I guess we can learn plenty from movies." Then a single ladybug divebombed into his hair. "OW! Help! It's biting me! LB! Spray it!"

"What? You want this?" she innocently held the bug spray barely out of his reach.

"Yes!"

"Are you sure?"

"YES!"

"Oh no, I'm all out," she lied, threw the last can into the Seine River, and swung away.

Left to save himself, Chat Noir raked his feline claws through his locks until he grabbed the insect! With a hard tug, he ripped the bug out and slammed it on the cobblestone. He stomped the nuisance a couple times for good measure. "What is with ladybugs in this city?" he panted and ran away.

Captain Hardshell fluttered to the rogue ladybug who had attacked against his orders. The body was beaten and bloodied but he recognized the golden bottle cap, "Prince Spots, you weren't supposed to be here."

The prince coughed, ichor seeping from wounds too deep to heal, "For our people, Captain. Tell my Father that I did this for our people." His mangled arm held out a single strand of blonde hair. Hardshell ignored the prize and cradled the dying child like the son he wished he had. "Tell him, Captain. T-Tell him. Tell him... Tell—" and he spoke no more.

Hardshell closed the dead hero's eyes, "Goodnight, sweet prince. And flights of angels sing thee to thy rest."

* * *

 _Later:_

Enough time had passed to not look suspicious so Ladybug swung back to her room and de-transformed. She collapsed on her bed, "Phew, what a full day. We had wild animals, dinosaurs, insect swarms."

"And you locked Alya and Nino in a cage together with a moose," giggled Tikki.

Marinette laughed along with her, "Yeah, that was the best part."

Both suddenly stopped.

"I was trying to ruin your happiness by reminding you of the terrible thing you did. Do you not know how dangerous mooses are? They could be dead!" Tikki looked more serious than she had ever looked before. "Why did you laugh?"

"I-I-I don't know," Marinette pulled her hair, afraid of how she had reacted. "I just thought of how that moose could've crushed them into jelly and hehehehahahaaaahaaaHHAAAAAHAHAAAAAHAHA—" she covered her mouth and started hyperventilating.

"Great," sighed Tikki, "You've finally lost it. Honestly, I never thought you had it to begin with, but I've been wrong before."

Marinette's existential horror was put on pause, "... Wait, no… Tikki, you hate humanity, right?"

"Hate is gentle way to describe it."

"And I hate my life," continued Marinette, "I never succeed, my supposed friends torture me and since you've arrived everything has gotten worse. The only way I can cope is through laughing at the misfortune of those who have wronged me." She concluded, "I'm not crazy. We're bonding!"

"Bonding? Like when you bond flesh to red hot steel?"

"Bonding as in, we like hating the same thing. We have..." she gaped, "a shared interest."

Tikki's bulbous eyes widened and her pupils shrank. As if her life was sapped from her body, Tikki floated down to the mattress. There she remained, unresponsive.

Marinette waved her hand in the Kwami's face, "Tikki?" She snapped her fingers a couple times, "You okay?" Nothing.

Her phone rang.

"Uh, Tikki, it's Alya. She's probably pissed off about the moose." She enticingly showed the screen but it had no effect, "Don't you wanna see how she'll get back at me? Hello?" Thoroughly weirded out, Marinette decided to take the call outside. "Alya," she answered as she went downstairs. On her way she missed Tom pulling a delirious Kim out of a vat of patented The Baker's Memory Eraser Dough. He dusted the now harmless boy off and sent him on his way. "Listen, I'm sorry about offering to set you up on a date with Nino."

"Mmm-hmm."

"I got caught up in the moment and the thirst for revenge. But you have to admit that after all the merde you put me through, you deserve far worse."

"Mmm."

"So whatever you're gonna do to get even, just do it." Marinette turned the corner and found Alya waiting outside the bakery.

Alya hanged up. "I will. Oh, big brother!" she called.

Nino stepped out of the bakery with a bag of fresh cookies in his hand and a pair of fresh moose antlers on his back. He handed a cookie to Alya, "Here you go, sis." Alya thanked him with a peck on the cheek.

Marinette's mind short circuited, "What… the… fuck…?"

"Ladybug locked us in a cage with a moose earlier," explained Alya, "After we managed to escape with our lives, we had time to talk. Turns out Nino and I have a lot in common."

"Totally! She always thought of me like her brother and I always thought of Alya like a sister," started Nino.

"Turns out, we're actually into that sort of thing," Alya finished.

Nino wrapped an arm around her shoulder, "Our relationship will thrive on this fetish. Ain't that right, li'l sis?"

"Ooh, next time you be the little sister," Alya bit her finger in anticipation.

Nino hesitated, "...Don't mean 'little brother'?"

"I know what I said," Alya licked her lips.

"So… you… actually… got together?" Marinette attempted and failed to comprehend, "But, Alya, I thought you were a—"

"Lesbian? Close! I'm bi!" Alya said like it was no big deal. "Wow, that feels great to finally say. Anyway, when that moose nearly gouged out my spine, I started spewing every little secret I had."

"Including that you've got a crush on a dude of your own, Marinette," teased Nino. "You know, I could totally set you and Adrien up on a date, lend you my exoskeleton, that sort of thing."

"No, Nino, we don't actually help Marinette. We only give her the tools she needs to succeed and profit off her inevitable failure," Alya corrected.

"Oh my bad."

"Well, we're off on our first date," Alya dragged Nino away, "We're gonna find a taxidermist who will stuff a moose for us and then blog about it. Have fun being single, Marinette, which, as a teenage girl, automagically makes your life worse than mine!"

"Well played, Alya," Marinette narrowed her eyes and waved, already forming her next move in her mind. "Well played."

END

 _Next time: GAME ON!_


	25. 17 Megas XLR Season 3

_(For those too young, look up MEGAS XLR) SING IT WITH ME!_

 _Living here in Paree, fighting villains from a thug!  
_ _You've gotta find first gear in your giant robot BuUuUuG!  
_ ** _YOU_** _DIG GIANT ROBOTS!  
_ _ **I**_ _DIG GIANT ROBOTS!  
_ _ **WE**_ _DIG GIANT ROBOTS!  
_ _ **CHICKS**_ _DIG GIANT ROBOTS!  
_ _(sick but short guitar lick)  
_ _Nice…_

* * *

 _PROLOGUE_

 _"You think she's still angry?" I absently asked, my eyes glued to the unanswered text I had sent Amelie several days ago._

 _Lappy replayed the viral video of the accident, "You did total her bike in front of her boss, so..."_

 _"But I said I was sorry! Isn't that what friends are supposed to do? Forgive and forget?!"_

 _Lappy's screen flashed through several different sites, "According to top Sociologists, this is most likely an exertion of psychology power held over the guilty by the refusal of exoneration, also known as the Silent Treatment. Recommended remedy: giver her some space."_

 _"Well, what the hell am I supposed to do in the meantime? The new chapter is posted, I've already seen the Mona Lisa, what else is there to do in France?!"_

 _The possessed GPS rolled onto the counter, "Setting route to Beach."_

 _"A beach day?" I considered the idea._

 _"Yeah!" beeped Lappy, "Let's go to the beach!"_

* * *

 _Turns out the beach was great! The ocean was refreshing! The sand was perfect for building sandcastles! And the sun was just right for getting a tan!_

 _After an exciting round of toss the beach ball, I settled on my American Flag towel and enjoyed the view. The world was so peaceful here, it was almost impossible to believe such places still existed. Far from the rush of the city and... crowds... Now that I took a second look, I realized the beach was more than uncrowded. It was deserted. "Huh..." I pondered at the empty beach. "Where is everybody?"_

 _Lappy scanned the sands that stretched to the horizon without a soul in sight, "This doesn't make sense. According to my research, this beach is the most famous in France. It should be filled with people."_

 _"A famous beach? How? Was it in a movie or something?"_

 _"Several."_

 _The approach of police sirens made me turn back towards the mainland where I saw a vibrant sign that I had somehow missed on the way in. 'Normandy.' The rest was in french._

 _"Lappy, run a google translate on 'defense d'entrer sous peine de poursites.'"_

 _"Translating... 'Trespassers will be Persecuted.'"_

 _The police sirens got louder._

 _"Oh boy..."_

 _...TO BE CONTINUED..._

* * *

 **Miraculous Headache  
** _Chapter 17: Megas XLR Season 3  
_ By: I Write Big

There's a lot of stuff do in a city, like museums or landmarks or hookers. With so many minds in a single area, it's impossible to know what's going on around every corner or under every fast food bag. Most would walk past such garbage without a second thought, but this particular paper bag had quite the tale brewing underneath...

The golden hair hanged limply in the monarch's pincers. At the foot of his throne, under a decorated chicken sandwich wrapper, laid the body of the single ladybug lost in the battle for this prize. Captain Hardshell solemnly kneeled with great patience, "He fought with bravery, My Lord. I am sorry I could not protect him. The people will understand that you need time to mourn. The attack can wait."

The monarch raised his antennae at the captain with genuine shock, "Wait? We shall do no such thing."

"My Lord, the funeral preparations alone would take a month."

"Why would we waste our days with such trivialities?"

"Trivialities?" Hardshell could barely believe what he was hearing. "Prince Spots— _your_ _son_ —gave his life for your dream! He deserves to be honored as a hero!"

"Yes. A hero." The loveless smile from the monarch made Captain Hardshell's hemolymph run cold. "And like all heroes, his death will serve far more purpose than his life." He brushed past his child's corpse and the captain's astonished face and entered the common room where the rest of the insects waited. "The time has come to awaken him…" proclaimed the monarch. His army of fellow ladybugs clicked their pincers in praise as he held up the single golden follicle. "Thanks to Prince Spots' sacrifice, we now have everything needed to enact the ritual! No longer will we live in fear of the insecticide wielding giant! In my son's name! Today, we crush the female under our thoraxes and free our Creator from her curse!"

Pulling back the burger wrapper, they gazed upon their weapon. The humanesque robot had grown slowly over the months with only the female's sample. It reached but 20 daffodils high. Combined with the male's magical essence though… The ladybugs would soon be a force to be reckoned with! Under the weapon was the statue of their dark polka-dotted Creator, gazing upwards in malicious glee.

The monarch unsealed the ancient insect Necronomicon, threw open its cracked pages, and uttered the forbidden incantation, "I call upon the ancient lords of the underworld! BEELZEBUB! CTHULHU! TIKKI!" At the mention of the last name the Kwami's statue before him pulsated with unholy blood-red miasma! "Bring forth this beast and... Awaken!"

The army chanted, "Awaken! Awaken! Awaken!" The golden hair was taken in the miasma and became one with the machine!

A whirlwind coursed through the chamber! Torches belched flames that burned as tall as the robot! From beneath the dirt could be heard whispering voices that spoke only of evil and spilt breadcrumbs! The unclean power surged through the metal body!

The monarch roared, "Take the land that must be taken! Awaken! Awaken! Awaken! Awaken! Devour worlds, smite forsaken!"

The Earth tore open! From the bottomless chasms poured a green fog that radiated an ethereal spirit! It seeped into the machine, filling every corner! Pointed ears sprouted on the weapon's head and a cat-like tail grew out its back! Impenetrable armor developed across the weapon, colored like the ladybugs it would soon serve!

"Rise up from your thousandth year of sleep! Break forth from your grave eternally! I command you to RISE!"

At the order, the robot grew an inch!

"RIIISE!"

A foot!

"RIIIIIIIISE!"

Three feet!

"RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISE!"

It became the size of a car!

"RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISE!"

A house!

"RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISE!"

A twenty-story building!

"RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISE!"

The Eiffel Tower!

"RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISE!"

An eighth of Chloe's ego!

The monarch temporarily devolved into alien tongues, "Mustakrakish Musta! Mustakrakish Musta! Mustakrakish King and Death to Worlds! RISE AND AWAKEN!" With an unsettling rumble that shook the bones of every soul in Paris, the Earth resealed and the ritual was complete. The perilously massive metal titan towered above everything.

Parents hid their children inside.

Mayor Bourgeois saw the monstrosity and fainted.

Marinette looked up from writing in her diary. She could've sworn she felt the Earth shake again. That was one more quake than the daily thirteen she expected thanks to her bad luck. Either way, her reinforced roof support beams held strong and she thought nothing more of it.

Tikki poked her head out of the purse, "I think a couple of dumbasses just incanted my power. Did something weird happen?" She saw the colossus out the window, "Oh… y'up," and went back into the purse to eat a cookie.

The last wisps of magic faded and the monarch pointed his bendy straw scepter, "To arms!" At his command, the army surged towards the closest metal leg where a door waited. Through it they would find a path leading straight to the controls of this behemoth! At the controls waited the one switch that needed to be flipped for the monarch's dream to come true! As they got closer, the door got bigger and bigger and bigger and… the army halted.

"Merde, I made it too big. How are we gonna open that huge door?" muttered the monarch. He turned to his waiting army. "Any ideas?"

"Can't you use the Necronomicon again, My Lord?" called one.

The monarch scoffed, "You think this thing is a solve all spell book? The Necronomicon does not pick locks!"

A human ran through their numbers, his footfalls scattering the army, and slapped an 'Owned by Nino' sticker on the robot! The boy adjusted his baseball cap, raised his fist high and proclaimed the sacred rite, "DIBS!"

* * *

 _Later:_

Today was turning out to be an odd day for Marinette. When she went outside to meet Alya at school to work on their term paper, she found the streets flooded with greasy, sun-starved, kinda overweight middle-aged men. Amongst the crowd was Kim, having a hard time navigating the mass of sweaty disbelievers of personal hygiene, "NERD! Oh, sorry, I meant to say excuse me. NEEEERD! Geez, why can't I take two steps without screaming—NEEEEEEEEEEERD!"

This nerd herd seemed to stretch down the street and into the school where she found most of her class in front of the Librarian's possibly illegal plasma TV, playing Ultimate Mecha Strike III! Alya, who was streaming the latest match to her Let's Watch Other Video Gamers Play Blog, which seriously needed a shorter name, was close by so Marinette whispered, "The hell is going on?"

"Didn't you hear about the tournament? It's all over the news!"

Marinette checked her phone and found an interview online. "For those of you just joining us, local money waster and giant robot owner Nino Lahiffe is hosting a video game tournament where the winners will gain ownership of his giant robot," summarized Nadia Chamak. The news lady then turned to the boy, "Nino, what is the entrance fee to participate in this exciting tournament?"

"It's totally free, dudette," Nino folded his arms with pride, "Thanks to our sponsors: Nino's Free Zoo and Nino's Free Movie Theater. The only kickass destinations in Paris where I personally cover your tickets, food, and gift shop goods."

"That sounds like a terrible business model. How are you staying afloat?"

"Easy! Check this out." He waved offscreen, "Yo, Meal Ticket, can I borrow a couple grand?"

"Yeah, sure thing, Headphones," Adrien happily handed his best friend a stack of euros. "Nicknames are fun."

Nadia stared, "...Wow."

"I know. Can you believe how much time I wasted trying to trick him?"

"Giant robot?" blinked Marinette. She looked out the window and, for the first time, saw the jaeger that was kindly providing shade for a third of Paris. She gaped and her eyes sparkled with stars, "I WANT IT!"

Kim tumbled into the room, shoving a last nerd out of the way, "Ha! Good luck with that." He pointed to the TV where Max was laser focused on punching in combo after combo. Move lists and data scrolled down his specially made gamer glasses. "Only the top two players go to the tournament and nerd has been training for this moment the entire year. I haven't felt determination like this since I first discovered energy drinks."

The way Max's fingers danced across the controller and his face contorted with passion moved Marinette. It was clear he truly loved video games and worked hard for this opportunity. It was his dream. She shouldn't try to take that away from him no matter how much she wanted that robot.

"Well done, Max," congratulated Principal Damocles, "If there's no other challengers, it looks like our champions and duo who will most likely spend some quality time together, alone, with the perfectly non-suspicious pretext of training, are Max and Adrien!"

"Adrien? Ooh, did you hear that, girl?" Alya turned to tease Marinette only to find she was gone. "Huh? Where did she—"

"I CHALLENGE YOU!" The half-chinese girl's bloodcurdling decree was punctuated by a dramatic boop of Max's nose. When she realized everyone was staring, she cleared her throat and smiled, "I mean, hey! I haven't played yet! How about a friendly game, Max? I doubt I could ever beat your score."

Max adjusted his gamer glasses, "I could use all the move set implementation that I can get. Thank you, I appreciate this, Marinette."

"What are friends for?" chuckled Marinette as she picked up the second controller. "Oh wait, before we start, I want you to have this Woeful Marinette Design brand charm I made. It's lucky, _trust me..._ "

 _One Humiliation Later:_

"HOW IN THE NAME OF RELATIVITY DID YOU DO THAT?!" demanded Max as his digital robot avatar was instantly destroyed a fiftieth time in a row and tripled Marinette's already top tier score, pushing her to the number one spot. A big fat 'Game Over' flashed across Max's glasses as his dreams were crushed.

"Oh, you know, skill," Marinette lied as she covertly snatched back that _unlucky_ charm before it had a chance to kill Max.

His spirit thoroughly broken, Max sulked out of the room. "Wait, nerd, come back!" Kim tried to chase after his friend but ran into another gaggle of oily gamers, "NEERD! Whoa, I meant, excuse me. NEEEEEERD! No, I meant, out of my way. Nerd? Where'd you go? Nerd?" Not seeing his nerd who was in need of comfort anywhere, Kim collapsed to his knees and cried to the heavens, "NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERD!"

After that got boring, Damocles announced, "This officially concludes the qualifying rounds! Our champions going on to the tournament are Adrien and Marinette!"

"I'll stop by your place later to practice, Marinette," waved Adrien.

"Hebbewabeyaha," blabbered Marinette in a lovestruck trance as he left.

Alya came to her and demanded, "Girl, your victory lost me two hundred subscribers! How? How did you _win at something_?!"

"Oh that's easy..." a crafty smile cracked Marinette's face as she held up the charm, "I just made Max more unlucky than me. Better say goodbye to your subscribers, `cause you've just lost your star."

"No..." whispered Alya as Marinette's revenge came to fruition! "No! NOOOO!"

* * *

 _Meanwhile:_

In a tower hidden somewhere in Paris, a great spiral window opened, illuminating the haunting silhouette of a man losing Ultimate Mecha Strike III. "For the love of! I blocked! Grrr… At this rate I'll never win that giant robot! Guess it's time for Plan B…" He filled one of his insects with sickly dark energy and sent it flying.

"B for butterfly! MUAHAHAHA!"

 _A couple blocks:_

Max had breached the Nerd Ocean and was now stomping in fury and cursing in fancy, "That defeat was inconceivable! Deplorable! Reprehensible! Bullshit!"

A black butterfly shattered on his gamer glasses and fashionable neon pink butterfly-themed sunglasses appeared on his face. He saw a smiling silver masked man, "Tut tut, mind your french. I know how getting owned can leave you salty but I can still offer you the tools to win a rematch of the ages. How about it? You achieve victory, and I get that giant robot!" A set of ladybug earrings and a black cat ring appeared around him. "Oh right, and, uh, I guess the Miraculous as well... if you have the chance."

"Victory shall be mine," growled Max. He was swallowed by bubbling darkness and became the ultimate nerd… Gamer!

The villain stretched his limbs in his flexible yet stylish full-body gaming suit, "Game on!" and a black pyramid the size of a small house enveloped him. Over the face of the pyramid glowed a single green eye!

Gamer smiled and grasped the controls of his new mobile fortress, "And now begins the _grinding_..."

 _Meanwhile, across the city:_

Marinette was prancing and singing down the sidewalk like a Prench Prolicker, "I'm spending time with Adrien!" The girl did a gleeful pirouette on a nearby mailbox, "I get to be near him and stare at him and smell him and maybe even touch him!"

Tikki chimed in on key, "And be expected to talk to him! Alone! In your room that looks like your possibly plotting his murder!"

All muscle control was lost and Marinette fell flat on her face.

 _Minutes later, in Marinette's room:_

"It's not that bad…Right?" Marinette whimpered as she looked at her Adrien shrine which had grown like a fungus to encompass most of the ceiling in the past couple of weeks. "He's a model. I'm into fashion. I could just say this is research."

Tikki shrugged with heavy sarcasm, "Oh yeah, sure, that explains the toenail clipping collection."

Marinette slid the said two gallon jar of precious perfect Adrien keratin behind her desk, "Better?"

As the Kwami stared at her in disbelief, there was the ding dong of a doorbell followed by the voice of Sabine from downstairs, "Marinette, someone's here to see you."

Tikki slapped Marinette across the face, "Get rid of this merde before I end up stuck with you in jail!"

The girl went into full panic mode and scrambled to hide the incriminating mass of disturbance!

 _Downstairs:_

"And so Marinette and I will be representing our school at the tournament," Adrien explained to Tom and Sabine.

"How fun!" exclaimed Tom, "I bet the two of you will win for sure."

"Thank you. And, may I say," Adrien added, "it is so kind of you to have taken time out of your busy schedules to be in the same building as Marinette. Father is usually too preoccupied with running his multi-gajillion euro fashion company to be in the same section of the Agreste summer mansion as me."

" _Summer_ mansion? As in, mansion you only use for a fourth of the year?" clarified Tom.

"More like it only _exists_ for a fourth of the year. Father has the summer mansion torn down and rebuilt every June at this lovely place called Nice. Not as beautiful as your home, but a couple thousand acres wider."

Sabine cleared her throat and discreetly held up a dictionary for Tom. The book was opened to the page with Gabriel Agreste's face next to the word 'Rich.' Under that was a diagram of Adrien as the definition for 'Soon To Be Filthy Stinking Rich.'

"MY DAUGHTER'S SINGLE!" blurted the man.

"VERY SINGLE! SO SAD!" agreed his wife.

"JUST PUTTING THAT OUT THERE!"

"What a coincidence!" gasped Adrien. "I also don't have any siblings."

 _Upstairs:_

"It won't fit here either!" screamed Marinette as she tried to smush the Adrien head sculpted from various Adrien garbage under the already cluttered bed. She had already stuffed the closet, clogged the bathtub, and unearthed the herb garden. There were no more hiding places left!

"Oh no, I guess I'll have to burn it," cackled the demon, priming a flaming loogie. She waited for the inevitable begging and pathetic flailing that served as her daily entertainment. Instead, Marinette stood as still as a mannequin, the Adrien head clutched tightly against her chest. Then her neck ever so slowly turned towards Tikki, each inch marked by loud popping of joints. The disgusting sound didn't end until the creature Tikki was beginning to doubt was human peered at her with vacant eyes whose only color were the pinpricks of hatred in their centers.

"...Don't you dare..."

Distant thunder rumbled. The fire in Tikki's mouth sizzled to smoke and the Kwami slowly floated backwards out through the window.

 _Downstairs:_

"Does it suddenly feel cold in here?" Adrien wondered at the sight of his own breath.

"It's frigid," shivered Sabine as she cranked the air conditioning to negative 50. "You should go snuggle with Marinette for warmth. Share body heat. In the nude. You're both _partners_ , after all."

"Mom!" groaned Marinette in embarrassment from the top of the stairs. She then chuckled nervously when she saw Adrien near her. "H-Hey, Adrien, come up."

"What's that thing that's eerily my-head-sized under your shirt?" asked the boy as he followed her.

"Um! Uh! A t-t-tumor! Ignore that."

Both parents watched the door close. They looked to each other and silently agreed. As parents, they could not ignore their child's plight! Their baby needed their help getting laid!

 _A couple blocks away:_

Floating on an invisible cloud of magic, the dark pyramid zapped evey Parisian on the road! Each innocent person struck was transformed into small spheres of XP that were quickly gobbled up by the green eye!

"Yes, Gamer," encouraged Hawkmoth, "Gather more power with which to destroy Ladybug and Chat Noir!"

Then a driver who wasn't paying attention accidentally smashed their car into the pyramid! The pyramid bounced back, flashing in and out of existence as a huge pile of XP spheres spilled out! The spheres turned back into people and ran away.

"Dammit!" Gamer cried and hit a big red button, "Restart!" The dark pyramid vanished.

"WHOA! WHAT THE FUCK?!" Hawkmoth mentally scanned the city until he found the pyramid back where the kid was first akumatized. "Gamer, what the hell?"

"I am a completionist!" proclaimed the villain as he started refilling his now empty level bar with XP, "And I will have the _perfect run!_ "

Hawkmoth facepalmed.

 _Marinette's Room:_

The trials we face define us and Marinette was about to face the greatest trial of her short but action packed life. The main menu of Ultimate Mecha Strike III shined on her computer and under the screen laid two controllers. So far, she hadn't screwed up sitting next to Adrien. Seeing the side of his face this close was light-years more breathtaking than staring at the back of his head. She could see the sparkle of his emerald eyes! The cute dimples of his smile! The precious eye booger crust dried and forgotten on his eyelash! This was truly heaven!

"Well, shall we start training?"

She dumbly nodded at his words and reached for a controller.

And then a miracle happened.

They accidentally touched hands.

 _Downstairs:_

The girlish squeal that was so high pitched it could make a dog go deaf caused Tom and Sabine to pause in their preparations.

"Was that third base?" asked Tom.

Sabine patted her naive husband's mutton chops, "For a sixteen year old girl? Not even close."

 _Upstairs:_

"Oh, my apologies, Marinette. You choose a controller first." Adrien patiently waited for the girl who seemed to be petrified in a permanent state of GLAALAWL! When she didn't react, he decided to help her, "Here, how about you take this one—"

Her hand abruptly shot forward at the same time as his and yet another miracle happened.

Only this time, when their hands touched, Marinette gasped deeply as if she had broken through the ocean's surface and grabbed at her chest. "GAAH! I think, hah, I think your first touch stopped my heart."

"Huh?"

"I SAID, LET'S START!" She grabbed a controller and opened the character select screen, hoping her sudden death and resuscitation didn't make things awkward.

"So..." Adrien broke the silence, "Your parents seem nice."

A shiver ran down Marinette's spine. This was it. Casual conversation. She had come so far from always melting into a puddle in Adrien's godlike presence. With enough concentration, stuttering could be kept to a minimum! As long as they were brief, full sentences were within the realm of possibility! This was her moment!

"Y-yeah, they're greeaaaAAAH!" Her eyes flew open at the sight of a final framed picture of Adrien's perfectly chiseled butt in ever so tight skinny jeans! The damning photo was standing right behind the boy! With zero grace, she snatched the photo and pitched the evidence out the window where it phased through Tikki! The Kwami had refused to come back inside.

Then Marinette's trapdoor opened and Tom appeared with a fresh plate of croissants, "You kids hungry?"

"We're fine, dad!"

"You sure? They're fresh out of the oven! And you've just gotta try them with my special powdered sugar." He dusted the treats with a shaker labeled, 'The Baker's Evil Love Powder.'

"Thanks but _no thanks,_ dad!" hissed the girl in her rarely used 'Go The Fuck Away' voice. Thankfully, the man got the hint and went back downstairs. Marinette tried to chuckle the incident away, "Hehe, sorry. You know parents, always being n-nosy and wanting to be part of their children's lives."

"No, I don't," admitted Adrien, fascinated by the foreign concept.

 _Meanwhile, across the city:_

"You've almost leveled up! Just take them!" demanded Hawkmoth.

"Correction," Gamer pointed to the numbers under his level bar, "I am precisely _five_ XP from level 2. However, there are _six_ XP on the ground."

"So...?"

"It is not a perfect run if I exceed the required amount." The villain turned his pyramid around and continued to search for exact change.

Hawkmoth bit his cane, "MMMMMMM!"

 _Back at Marinette's:_

The teens barely managed to button mash their way through another level!

"Wow! We won again thanks to you!" Adrien stretched his exhausted hands.

The simple compliment sent Marinette's emotions spinning, "Yes, he-me-be-we-did. Hehehe."

"'We?' That was practically all you. You're amazing, Marinette. You probably wouldn't even need me in the tournament. I'm so lame compared to you. I mean, the way you stand up for yourself, how you're always there for your friends, not to mention your knack for fashion design. You're just so cool."

Marinette was blushing up a storm! She couldn't believe the sweet things Adrien was saying! About her! It was almost like he was anxiously babbling! About _her_! Could he be possibly building up the courage to ask her out? Was this happening? WAS THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENING?!

Adrien sighed, "If only you were your mom's age."

"...Wait, wha—?"

The trapdoor was opened again by Tom. "Cookies, anyone? I swear we didn't lace them with anything that will make a certain bazillionaire fall instantly in love with a certain baker's daughter."

"Dad!" Marinette jumped on the trapdoor and stomped it shut. "Not! Now!" During her frantic door stomping, a certain charm made of beads and an ironic four-leaf clover popped out of her pocket and landed in Adrien's lap.

"Hey, isn't this that lucky charm you loaned to Max?"

Marinette went pale as her once and future beloved inspected the cursed object. "GAH! DID I DROP THAT? WHOOPS! SILLY ME! LET ME PUT THAT AWAY!"

"Could I hold onto this for the tournament? I could use all the help I can get since Nino says I can't simply buy his giant robot. Although, come to think of it, that didn't stop Nino from taking the money I offered..."

Marinette tore at her hair! "N-N-No! You can't!"

"Why not? It's just pretend. It's not like this little guy will actually affect my luck in any way."

Tom thrust open the trapdoor a third time! "Who wants pie?"

Sabine then shoved past Tom into the room, "Okay, enough playing around!" She grabbed her daughter's shoulders and spoke with authority, "Marinette, I am your mother and I tell you this with love… the quickest way to trap a boy in marriage is teenage pregnancy."

"MOM!" A final spasm from Marinette turned out to be the last straw and her ' _tumor'_ tumbled out of her shirt and onto the floor.

The image of his own decapitated head made of various used bandages, chewed gum, and apple cores understandably weirded Adrien out and he stepped towards the exit, "Uhhh… Maybe I should go… and never come back."

"No, please, Adrien, it's not what you think!" begged Marinette.

"Wait! I can fix this!" Tom plopped a big mixing bowl on the floor.

 _Suddenly!_

Marinette blinked and she was at the park. How she got here and what she was doing up until this moment was a complete blur. Sitting next to her was an equally confused Adrien. The boy wiped flour from his hair and asked, "Marinette, do you have the feeling you were just dunked head first into a bowl of memory erasing dough?"

"Uniquely specific, but yes, I feel exactly like that."

"Strange… I remember playing video games and then..." He opened his hand and saw something sitting in his palm, "Oh yeah! Your lucky charm! Can I borrow this?"

All questions were forgotten, "WAA! No! You can't! If you keep that, you'll—" A great thud rattled the Earth around them. "Ah! It's starting!" Then a crowd of distressed citizens sped past them! In their wake floated a black pyramid of doom!

Marinette let out a breath of relief, "Oh, nevermind, it's just an Akuma."

The pyramid siphoned in precisely five green spheres and a cheerful 16-bit song of conquest played. A super excited commentator's voice announced, "Level 2! Great job!"

"Fucking finally!" grumbled Hawkmoth

In a sparkling transformation sequence, a pair of blocky legs sprouted from the bottom of the pyramid and harshly embedded themselves in the soil! Through the green eye, Gamer set his ironsights on the mockingly not afraid Marinette! "Ready for a rematch?!" He fired!

"Look out!" Acting quickly, Adrien tackled Marinette out of the blast's way!

And then a third miracle happened.

He was laying on top of her.

"Come on!" Adrien got up, mentally planning a route of escape for the two of them. Only Marinette didn't get up like he expected. Rather, he saw she was petrified yet again in another permanent state of GLAWLALWLAWAL from the hunk's full body touch! He grabbed her hand to pull her to her feet.

Upon contact, Marinette gasped deeply and grabbed at her chest, "GAH! This… cannot be healthy." Hand in hand, the teens ran for their lives! Well, Adrien ran and kinda dragged Marinette along since blood flow was still returning to her legs. Marinette couldn't tell if her heart was slamming like a runaway jackhammer because she was holding Adrien's hand or because she had come back from the dead twice today already. Either way, she was never washing this hand again.

Eventually she got to her feet and raced alongside the boy until a blast struck between them and the teens were forced to flee in opposite directions! Marinette bolted down the empty street, dipping and dodging the digital rounds with the pyramid hot on her tail! A particularly large blast knocked her to the ground and she could do nothing but stare back at glowing green eye!

Gamer squeezed the trigger, "Game ove—" BONK! A twirling staff struck the pyramid's side, spinning the machine multiple times.

"Not today, pyramid head!" heroically proclaimed Chat Noir! He cartwheeled to Marinette, took her in his arms and leaped to the rooftops!

Marinette watched as they got further away from the Akuma… and Adrien! "Stop! We have to go back!"

He landed on a rooftop, put her down, and flexed for the photos he knew she wanted to take, "I know my number one fan is eager to see her favorite hero in action, but this is no place for a princess. By the way, how's that Chat Noir fansite coming along?"

"Shut up!" she grabbed him by the collar, "Adrien! Is! In! Danger!"

Chat Noir patted her menacing hands reassuringly, "Haha! Nobody is in danger when I'm around. I put Adrien in a safe place, trust m—" CRACK! A random brick fell from the sky and broke on his head.

Both blinked at the impossible thing that just happened.

"Wow, good thing I have enhanced super strength or that might've killed me. Stay here where it's safe, Princess. Your favorite hero will save the day!" He pole vaulted to the next roof where another impossible sky brick fell on his head.

Marinette's eye twitched as she recognized the pattern. Chat Noir must've gotten his revolting claws on one of her designs! That means... he snuck into her room! THAT PERVERT!

"I am going to kick him in the nuts so hard for that. Tikki, sp—Tikki?" For the first time in what felt like years, the supernatural horror wasn't in her purse. Marinette twirled around but didn't see the Kwami anywhere. "Tikki, where are you?" There was a crunch of glass. Under her foot, she found the cracked frame of Adrien's butt. Across the street was her bedroom window and staring wide-eyed into it was… "Tikki, what are you doing over there?"

The Kwami snapped out of her daze, "Huh? Who? Oh!" She saw Marinette and flew to her. "Sorry, you were actually _talking_ to Adrien and it kinda freaked me out. Then your parents burst in and they did the thing with the dough and that just added a whole new level of fucked up. Marinette, I think your parents might actually be supervi—"

"Not important! Adrien! Save Adrien! Tikki, spots on!" In a flourish of red she became Ladybug!

 _Meanwhile, by the Seine River:_

"You are just walking by all these cars and people!" shouted a further enraged Hawkmoth. "You could've made level 3 and 4 by now!"

Gamer checked his achievements list, "The Level Hopper achievement is only rewarded if the player surmounts level 2 with the absorption of a _solitary_ mass of XP. These are far too inadequate."

"You annoying, little— I am this close to taking away your free will!" warned Hawkmoth.

Then a familiar polka-dotted yoyo wrapped around the robot's legs with unbreakable thread! The machine toppled onto its side! Before Gamer could turn the pyramid, an unsnappable battle staff held the machine in place!

Chat Noir bragged, "Talk about being top hea—"

"No bragging!" ordered Ladybug. "Cataclysm now!"

"Ladybug! Wait!" begged Gamer. "Don't you recognize what I'm piloting? This is a level 2 MX-01 from Ultimate Mecha Strike III! According to my calculations, with the loot from that bus over there, I'll attain level 3!"

"Hold on, is this supposed to be groveling?" asked Chat Noir, "Why would we let you get more powerful?"

"Because at level 3..." Ladybug's knees wobbled, she nearly swooned, a hungry trail of drool dripped down her chin, "...giant...robot..."

Chat Noir's slitted pupils shrank, "Oh no..."

"Giant robot!"

"LB, I know you love them, but please we've already won!"

For the briefest moment, his words brought clarity and Ladybug took a second to compose herself. "Yes…Phew… You're right. As fucking awesome as it would be to have a _giant robot battle_ _mmmmm!_ " she bit her fist in ecstasy and held back the tears, "We've already won. End it now."

"With pleasure. Cata—" Sky brick!

The distraction was long enough for Gamer to swivel the pyramid towards the bus and blast! It siphoned the XP!

"No!" cried Chat Noir.

"GIANT! ROBOT!" nearly orgasmed Ladybug.

Again, with 16-bit music, a commentator announced, "Level 3! Radical!" There was also a second digital bweep, "Level Hopper Achievement Unlocked!" Digital mass added itself to the pyramid forming a gargantuan body, titanic arms, and spiky shoulder blades for style! The PyramidBot raised one of its legs and held its quite spiky foot over Ladybug and Chat Noir.

"Tactical retreat?" suggested the boy.

"Tactical retreat," agreed the girl.

They fled before they got squished.

* * *

 _Minutes Later, at the Paris Stadium:_

Ladybug and Chat Noir landed atop the polka-dotted robot's head. "This robot is our only chance. Nothing else comes even close to the amount of power that machine is packing," said Chat as he opened a hatch.

"And how exactly are we going to work this thing?"

"What are you talking about? You love giant robots."

"Yeah and every anime fan can draw like Miyazaki," she scoffed. "Just because I love 'em doesn't mean I can drive one, you idiot!"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa! Let me get this straight!" Chat Noir rubbed his head in frustration and then smiled seductively, "You're into anime too?"

Then PyramidBot landed on the other side of the stadium, sunlight flaring majestically off its body paint. Panels across its limbs slid open, revealing an arsenal of lasers, missiles, rockets, mines, RPGs and some really mean looking boomerangs.

Chat Noir gulped.

Ladybug drooled again, "Hard to believe that baby still has a level 4 waiting to come out."

"Into the BugBot!" Chat dragged Ladybug into the mech just as Gamer opened fire! They landed in the cockpit and found controls far more intricate than either could imagine. "The hell? Who was supposed to pilot this thing? It looks like you'd need six arms alone!" Indeed, amongst the various buttons and switches were 6 arm-wide holes in the floor lined in two rows of three.

The entire room shook violently as the initial volley hit the bot! They heard metal creak and bend! Panicking, Ladybug went with her first idea, "Maybe the first set of holes are for legs!" She stuck her feet into the first two holes! They lit up! "Aha! Something's happening!"

"Let me try!" Chat put his feet into the next pair of holes! They lit up! "There's only one set left! Should I use my hands?"

The room shook again! Sparks flew!

"DO IT!"

Chat leaned down and stuck his hands in the final pair! They lit up! All six lit holes shut, locking the pair in place! It was only at this moment that Ladybug realized she had been trapped with Chat Noir bent over in front of her, his tail inches from her waist. This was not an ideal nor dignified robot piloting position.

"M'Lady, as a chivalrous pervert, I feel I must confess," he looked over his shoulder at her with solemn resignation and a slight blush, "I was hoping something like this would happen."

Before she could even process that, something massive crashed through the wall directly in front of them! It was a giant mechanical fist. The intruding appendage retracted, wrenching away any cover between them and the outside world. They heard Gamer's haunting laugh as PyramidBot stepped into view. "Hahaha—WHOA! What are you two doing?"

"Nothing! We weren't doing nothing!" protested Ladybug.

And then another sky brick flew in and hit Chat Noir. "Ow! Okay, this is getting annoying!"

"Buttons! Push buttons!" ordered Ladybug as she flailed! At the same time, a polka-dotted robo leg flailed forward and kicked PyramidBot back across the stadium. Ladybug stared at the outstretched massive metal leg. She wiggled her toe, so did the bot. She understood, "I...I…I am the feet."

"Then does that mean I have the...?" BugBot responded to Chat's movement and raised its arms for a fight and also the wipers came on, wiping a windscreen that was no longer there. "Oh...Sweet."

Ladybug ran her free hands over the control panel before her, "Alright, Chat, we'll need to coordinate our moves and work together."

"Pyramissiles!" proclaimed Gamer and his bot's shoulders opened, firing hundreds of explosive rockets that headed straight for the BugBot!

"AAH!" Both heroes scrambled as multiple warning lights flashed! "DODGESHIELDCATOUKENRUNDUCKLADYBOMBSGAH!" BugBot accurately responded to each of their inputs by wildly spinning its arms and hopping from foot to foot, powering up various supermoves then canceling them mid-strike! It wasn't that effective. When the dust settled, BugBot had significantly more holes than polka-dots.

"Pathetic!" gloated Gamer, "You have no hope of defeating me! I am the ultimate gamer! I have mastered every strategy, every combo, every cheat code! Compared to me, you are n00bs!"

Chat shook the shrapnel off him, "Bugaboo, he's right." According to the monitors around them, BugBot would most likely not survive another onslaught like that, let alone stay in one piece long enough for an actual fight. "How do we beat a pro-gamer at his own game?"

And with that particular phrasing, Ladybug knew the answer, "The same way every n00b beats a pro-gamer..." She crouched and so did BugBot. "Trap him in the corner and spam low punch and low kick!" BugBot surged forward, keeping close to the ground, and Chat threw the first punch! Direct hit! PyramidBot backed against the stadium wall and Ladybug delivered a swift kick! LowPunchLowPunch! LowKickLowKick! LowPunchLowKickLowPunch! Over and over this repeated, PyramidBot being stuck in the endless cycle!

"No! Stop! Spamming isn't regulation!" shouted Gamer, frantically smashing at his controls, but it was no use! His bot couldn't react in time and there weren't enough invincibility frames to escape! As the combo counter neared triple digits, the commentator did his job, "Badass! Apocalyptic! Savage! SSadistic! SSSensational!" PyramidBot's legs began to crack!

"M'Lady!" panted Chat Noir, "Getting...tired..."

"Just imagine you're punching the person you hate most in the world!"

"Hate? I don't really hate anybody—" And suddenly PyramidBot's kneecap looked like Gabriel Agreste.

"I have to go to work again, son, I'll tell you what really happened to your mother next year… or not," Gabriel smiled and waved goodbye.

Something inside Chat Noir's mind audibly snapped. "FUCK YOU, FATHER! AAAHHH!" Chat's punches increased speed and force tenfold! BugBot's attacking limbs became blurs as PyramidBot's lower half began to disintegrate! Bits and pieces shattered off both robots and Gamer's cockpit slowly lowered closer and closer to the ground!

"Cheaters! Untalented hackers! Griefers! This is not how you play!" The cockpit was on the heroes level and Chat Noir ripped open the pyramid face! A sky brick meant for Chat was caught mid-air by Ladybug! She chucked the brick and nailed Gamer right in the face, breaking his glasses! Ladybug de-evilized the Akuma and cast Miraculous Ladybug!

The stadium's damage was repaired.

The absorbed people were returned.

Gamer became Max and BugBot at last crumbled to pieces. Ladybug and Chat Noir crawled out of the wreckage and gave respect to the destroyed machine that had served them well. "LB, I just want to say, your love for giant robots..." he rubbed his sore knuckles and marveled at the amazing stress relief that rage session had given him, "I think I get it."

"Yeah, I heard. Not that I care, but don't punch your dad."

"No promises."

They went their separate ways.

When they were gone, the monarch and his army approached. Their weapon had been torn to shreds. The monarch stamped his bendy straw scepter, "We must start rebuilding again at once."

"Again?" roared Captain Hardshell, "After all we've lost. After all the sacrifices! You simply say _again_?!"

"Hold your tongue lest I carve it out!" growled the monarch, "None will rest until I have freed Tikki!"

A rumble greater than the battle they had witnessed shook the Earth. From the metal remains seeped the ethereal green fog from that morning. It coalesced into a visceral ghoulish form and flashed its fangs at the monarch. The unholy abomination let out a guttural moan, "PaAaYmEeEnT!"

Tendrils of green whipped forward and snared the monarch! "What?! No! You can't! I wasn't done! Please! I was so close!" The Earth split open and the ghoul disappeared into the pit, dragging the monarch down to the bottomless depths.

After whatever the fuck just happened got processed, Hardshell held up the Necronomicon and asked, "I say we stop using the dark arts. All in favor?"

"Aye!" shouted everybody.

"We a democracy now?" asked one.

"Sure," shrugged Hardshell and he tossed the cursed tome into the chasm before it resealed.

* * *

 _Later that night:_

"Since the 1st prize robot kinda got, you know, totaled," Nino announced on stage, "The winners will instead get bragging rights and a cash prize. By the way, if anyone's seen my Meal Ticket, let me know. I need to borrow a cash prize." As a majority of the contestants immediately forfeited, Marinette was trembling on the bench in fear. After the battle, she had scoured Paris in search of Adrien but couldn't find him. In fact, nobody could. Was she too late? Had her bad luck claimed her true love?!

Convinced life was no longer worth living, Marinette shuffled over to Max and handed him her controller. "I don't wanna play anymore."

"My word, Marinette!" gushed Max, "Are you selflessly giving me your spot in the tournament because you recognized how much of my soul and heart I've put into video gaming?"

"Yeah, sure, whatever," sighed the depressed girl and turned to find the nearest bridge to jump off of.

"Wow, that's so noble of you, Marinette," said Adrien who was suddenly in front of her.

"Who the—What— Adrien!" she squeaked with joy, "Where were you?"

"Sorry for not coming back to train more. I was spending time with Father."

 _In Gabriel's Office:_

The CEO laid unconscious on the floor next to a broken brick. A comically tall and swelling red bump poked out of the top of his head.

 _At the tournament:_

"And somehow in the process of that _time spending_ this got broken," Adrien sheepishly held out Marinette's charm, except several of the beads had cracked and fallen off. "I'm really sorry, Marinette. Maybe you can fix it—"

"NO!" she shoved the charm away. "This-this-this is perfect! It's no longer my design so it shouldn't curse you—I MEAN! Kill you—I MEAN!… You can keep it."

"Really?" Adrien happily pocketed the gift, "Thanks. Here, you deserve this." He handed Marinette his controller. "You're a hundred times better than me. Go win this for the school."

"Yeah, Marinette," Alya suddenly popped up behind her and raised her phone, "Get in there and show them what you're made of without that _charm_ of yours."

"Um! Uh! A-Adrien, I can't accept—"

"Come on, partner!" Max dragged hapless Marinette into the gaming dome, "Let's show these inebriates what true gamer skill is!"

 _One Humiliation Later:_

The class silently stared at the blazing inferno that used to be the tournament stadium. Marinette cleared her throat, "I'm gonna go now," and she did.

END

 _CARAPACE IS FINALLY HERE! AND HIS ONLY DISGUISE IS A HOOD! I swear, every time I feel like I'm getting bored with Miraculous, a new episode comes out and re-insanitizes me! I love the running joke that these kids make up their own superhero names on the spot with hardly 2 seconds of thought. Call me Carapace. Why? Because it's what the fans want! Don't assume that, I wanted Captain Turtle!_

 _SIDE NOTE: I have been cast as an evil clown in the LA haunted hayride. This will take up the majority of my October so a Halloween Special might not be possible. Sowwy..._


	26. 18 Ladybug Sees Adrien in the Shower

_You know why you're here…_

* * *

 _PROLOGUE_

" _Tell me, Monsieur Big," Amelie snuffed out her cigarette in the interrogation room's ashtray, "What part of 'stay out of trouble' sounded like 'sunbaze on Normandy Beach?'"_

 _I tried to shrug without looking ridiculous. The handcuffs made it hard. "I am so sorry. It was an honest mistake. I didn't see the sign and there weren't any fences keeping me out. You'd think you french people would at least have a security guard."_

" _You'd zink you stupid Americans would have common sense," she fired back._

" _Now who's being ridiculous?"_

 _The officer lit another cigarette and watched me as the smoke slowly curled in the air. "I will not protect you zis time. You had your chance, Monsieur Big, and your time in France has come to an end." She shut her folder, "You'll be back wiz your family in a week."_

 _That word struck me but I didn't show it. I knew what would get Amelie's attention. "Did you see the Style Queen & Queen Wasp special?"_

 _She didn't answer but the look she gave me said she had._

" _Aren't you curious why Nathalie hugged Gabriel so tenderly?"_

 _Amelie took another puff, "She was showing empathy for a man letting go of hiz wife."_

" _You sure about that?"_

 _Her fingers tightened their grip on the cigarette, pushing some bushels of tobacco out. Her eyes glowered through the smoke, "You are spitting nonsense. I have nozing more to say to you. Have a safe trip back to America, Monsieur Big." Amelie put out her smoke and went towards the door._

" _That's fine. I mean, I was only completely correct about Hawkmoth being Gabriel, Nathalie knowing the entire time, and his wife being locked down in the basement, but what do I know, right?"_

 _The officer's hand didn't turn the knob and I smiled. She grumbled with her back to me, "You telling moi zat you ship zem, Monsieur Big?"_

" _Oh... That would be far too simple for Astruc. I should know, I've been working in the same building as him the entire season," I dramatically paused and basked in the silence before reeling her in, "I'd go into detail, Amelie, but sadly I'm to be deported."_

 _She lit another cigarette, "...I'll see what I can do. As you stupid Americans say, 'what are friends for.'"_

 _...TO BE CONTINUED..._

* * *

 _ **Miraculous Headache  
** Chapter 18: Ladybug Sees Adrien in the Shower **  
**_By: I Write Big

Irony has a special place on Earth. The concept is widely wielded by everyone, and I mean _EVERYONE,_ from all walks of life as a means to appear smart, when in actuality not a single human on the entire planet can even come close to defining irony without googling it first. Well, except Marinette. She knew the definition of irony by heart because her entire existence was irony.

"Grounded? You're grounding me for being _irresponsible?_ Are you serious?!" Marinette's eye spasmed.

Tom and Sabine sat across from their daughter with firm parental disappointment. Tom read from a paper, "Well what would you call this? Monday morning, absent from P.E."

Marinette's eye spasming reached new levels as she recalled as Ladybug catching a fucking helicopter moments before for it crashed and burned all over her Monday morning P.E. class! She struggled through her rising anger, "I was… in study hall?"

"Friday evening, absent from study hall," read Tom.

Her wrench wound pulsing added to the eye spasming as she had haunting 'Nam flashbacks of fending off the cat-people army who were determined to destroy her school's Friday evening study hall, as Ladybug again! The anger was winning, "I was in P.E.… doing drugs?!"

"Marinette, please don't lie," sighed Sabine, "We know you're a responsible drinker."

"You're never where you're supposed to be," concluded Tom. "The only way we can keep track of you is by keeping you here, Marinette, grounded."

"You want me to learn how to responsibly be in the places I'm supposed to be by forcibly keeping me from being anywhere else? You know today is the day I'm supposed to be at the Paris TV Studio to show Nino support as he goes on a game show, right? You know, like a _responsible person_?" She wildly pointed at their TV which was broadcasting Paris' hottest new game show: Ridiculous Random Challenge!

"Alright, Nino, here's your Ridiculous Random Challenge!" French Ryan Seacrest opened the envelope and read out loud, "Use your sick DJ skills to get Mayor Andre Bourgeois to dance!"

A huge screen turned on behind them, showing a live video of the Mayor in his office talking on his phone, "No, but please, Audrey, you must come home. Our little princess misses her mommy… No, you named her Chloe not Chlorine… Yes, yes, I understand that running your fashion magazine on the other side of the world is much more important than your only child, but perhaps just for a day?... An afternoon?... An hour? What if I throw in a fashion show, hmm? Your schmoopy-whoopy could make it happen!"

Everyone in the studio and every viewer in Paris silently stared at the Mayor make kissy faces, blissfully unaware that he was on live TV.

Nino pointed at the DJ booth, "Should I start the music or…?"

"No," French Ryan Seacrest stopped him, "This is gold."

The Dupain-Cheng family barely tore themselves away from what would surely become legendary TV history and continued their conversation. Marinette demanded, "How does this punishment teach me anything?!"

"It's not teaching, it's parenting. The second one doesn't have to make sense," chided Sabine, "Now go to your room."

"Awesome..." grumbled Marinette as she trudged up the stairs. She dropped into her chair with a huff and chugged half a bottle of wine in one gulp. As her frustrations mounted, Tikki floated out into the open with a friendly smile. Marinette asked the Kwami, "Can I—"

"If you even hint to your parents that you're Ladybug, I will eat you," immediately answered Tikki in the happiest way possible.

Maybe it was the cruel injustice of the unfair grounding or maybe it was the alcohol, but for the next five seconds, Marinette was too furious to be afraid of Tikki, "You know what, I think you're bluffing!"

"Oh?"

"Yeah! DB-M-9K found out and you didn't eat me!"

"You're absolutely right," nodded Tikki. "I ate _DB-M-9K_." Horror filled pause. "And what does that tell you?"

Then Marinette's moment of bravery was over, "That… you'd eat my parents..."

"See, you can learn from being grounded," Tikki patronizingly patted the terrified girl's head with her disturbing arm nubs and flew off to munch on a cookie. With nothing else to do, Marinette took another swig of wine and turned on her computer to watch Mayor Bourgeois continue to humiliate himself.

* * *

 _Meanwhile:_

In a tower hidden somewhere in Paris, a great spiral window opened, illuminating the haunting figure of a man powdering his cheeks. "Another game show, another humiliating loss waiting to happen. Excellent feeding ground for my Akumas!"

A knock knock came from a door in the darkness, "Mr. Agreste, you're on in five."

Hawkmoth maliciously steepled his fingers in glee, "It won't be long now..."

"Yeah, that's what I said."

 _Meanwhile, at the Paris TV Studio:_

As Mayor Bourgeois resorted to tearful begging, the next game show contestant Simon, a colorfully dressed man with a deck of cards, was led to the waiting area next to the stage. There the man stood next to a certain blonde boy. "Hello, I'm Adrien, and this is my bodyguard Ape-Man," Adrien motioned to the living wall of muscle behind him. "He's allergic to bananas."

"Oh, isn't that ironic," chuckled Simon.

"Wait, is it?" wondered Adrien.

"I'm Simon," he offered his hand for a shake. Ape-Man grabbed Simon by the throat and squeezed.

"D'aww, he likes you!" Adrien cooed.

Back on camera, the Mayor got to his feet and blubbered, "Of course I'll do the 'Schmoopy-Whoopy Dance,' I'm doing it right now!" Then he started a jaunt that made all four of his chins jiggle.

Nino elbowed the host, "He's dancing, does that count?"

"Huh? Oh right!" French Ryan Seacrest snapped out of his stupor and addressed the camera, "We have a winner, folks!" Fanfare played and bright lights flashed! "Congratulations, Nino, you'll return next week to face your next Ridiculous Random Challenge!" French Ryan Seacrest whispered to a PA, "Keep the Mayor's footage rolling and start livestreaming it." He switched back to the camera with a wide grin, "Time for our next contestant!"

"Please come home, Audrey!" wailed Bourgeois one last time before the feed cut.

"Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Simon Grimault!" Recorded applause played as Ape-Man finally released Simon's neck and the man scrambled onto the stage. "So, Mr. Grimault, you are a hypnotist! You use your special cards to force people to do your bidding!"

"Actually, it's _Doctor_ Grimault, I'm a professionally licensed Hypnotherapist. And what you just described is a common misconception, mostly due to the portrayal of hypnotism in movies and television as this unbeatable superpower," explained Simon. "When in reality, hypnotism is merely the science of suggestion; easing patients into a relaxed state of mind where they feel comfortable choosing to perform activities or recounting repressed memories that may be too painful or they might personally be too introverted to do. The key word of course being 'choosing.' Psychologically speaking, it's been proven that nobody can be hypnotized to do something they don't want to do. If asked, they would simply not do it. That's why 'I was hypnotized' is not an admissible defense in the court of law."

"Really? Wow! I guess you learn something new everyday," French Ryan Seacrest stroked his chin in thought and then opened the envelope, "Sucks for you though because your Ridiculous Random Challenge is to use your ineffective hypnotism skills to bring a certain celebrity to this film set: Gabriel Agreste!"

The giant screen behind them came on. Gabriel Agreste slowly rose up into the frame, "...muahahahaHAHAHAAHAHAAAAA!"

"Haha! What a sense of humor!" French Ryan Seacrest then wrapped an arm around Simon, "You ready, Dr. Grimault?"

"Like I said, if Mr. Agreste doesn't want to come here, then I can't hypnotize him to come."

"Your timer starts now!"

Simon sighed heavily but nonetheless drew a card from his deck and showed it to Gabriel, "Oh well, what does the shape on this card remind you of?"

"I'm not playing this game," Gabriel coldly proclaimed, "Your show is _pathetic_ and so is this contesta—Actually, that shape reminds me of my dear sweet wife Emelie!" Gabriel peered deeply into the card, a fond smile growing on his usually permanent scowl. "I remember so clearly the last time I spoke to her… We were so happy before she… she…" The man blinked and went wide-eyed as he suddenly remembered he was on TV. "NOPE!" Gabriel raised a remote, hit a button, and the feed from his house was lost.

Adrien tore at his hair, "BEFORE MOTHER WHAT?! AAAAAHHHH!"

"Ooh! You almost had him, Dr. Grimault!" French Ryan Seacrest jumped in. "But it looks you lost the Ridiculous Random Challenge! Nice try!"

Simon was still staring at the barren giant screen, "Um, I think Mr. Agreste needs some help."

"As such, you're going home empty handed and poorer than you came in."

"Wait, what?"

"All losers get 5,000 euros taken straight out of their bank account. Why do you think we asked for you credit card when you were casted?"

"Who the—WHAT?!" Simon bellowed as he was dragged out by security, "What kind of game is this?!" He was tossed out the recording stage door. Simon fell to the floor, his deck of cards scattering. He had been robbed! Cheated! He felt so... _angry_!

 _Meanwhile:_

Hawkmoth was taking deep calming breaths, "Repress! Come on, Gabriel, repress!" He sensed Simon's anger, "Aha! Perfect distraction! I MEAN, oh no, someone vulnerable to akumatizing. Guess I'll have to forget all about facing what truly happened to my wife!"

In the hall, the cameramen stared at the door through which they could clearly hear Mr. Agreste as they packed their equipment. "Who do you think he's talking to in there?"

"Do you really care?"

"Eh, not really."

The non-union workers who got paid hourly minimum wage left just as a black butterfly fluttered out of the mansion.

 _Across the city:_

The dark messenger arrived at the Paris TV Studio and shattered on the last of Simon's cards. A pair of fashionable neon pink butterfly-themed sunglasses appeared on his face and he saw a silver masked man.

"Oh! It's you..." Hawkmoth awkwardly rubbed the back of his head. "Isn't this ironic…"

"Wait, is it?" wondered Simon.

"Look, can we not bring up my insistent evilizing of innocent civilians in order to bring back my wife from… son of a bitch, you got me talking again. You're good, doctor. You're very good."

His mind slave dumbly stared.

"Fine, as long as we keep this professional," nodded Hawkmoth, "Simon Says, that'll be your name. I'll give you the power to instantly hypnotize anybody so you can seek revenge as long as you pay me back in kind. Whatcha say?"

"Simon says, yes," snarled Simon. He was swallowed by bubbling darkness and transformed into an average looking guy in a bright suit and a top hat!

"Huh..." commented Hawkmoth, "That is oddly unimaginative."

Simon Says spun on his heel and kicked open the door back to the recording stage. The villain laughed triumphantly and proclaimed, "Simon says, the show isn't over yet!"

"Uh yeah it isn't over yet, genius, we're still recording," sassed French Ryan Seacrest.

The Akuma growled, "Simon says, I know that! It's a figure of speech." He drew a card from his deck. On its blank surface appeared the portrait of a duck! "Simon says, you're lame! Lame like a duck!" With a dramatic toss, the duck card flew straight across the studio and shattered on French Ryan Seacrest's chest which was waxed as smooth as his bald head!

The host's eyes became distant, "Wow, now that I think about it, this job has stripped away any last shred of self-respect I had. I'm shamefully willing to do anything, including ruin anyone's day, just for a better rating. And I bury that shame deep down under a cheesy smile and too many glasses of Jack Daniels. Coming to terms with this makes me want to… act a like duck." Instantly, he began flapping his elbows and quacking across the set!

The villain cackled, "Simon says, ha ha! Finally, hypnotism that's worth a damn! Simon says, oh my fucking Astruc, is this a speech impediment? Am I really going to say 'Simon says' every time I open my mouth?!" Ape-Man cracked his gargantuan knuckles and charged the Akuma who threw another card! "Simon says, stop!" The card struck and Ape-Man froze in place. "Simon says, you're a gorilla!" Shatter!

The bodyguard looked out a window and watched the clouds pass by as he silently contemplated his place in the world. What happened to that bright young boy who wanted nothing more than to become a ballet dancer? Did he abandon his dreams because of the teasing? Because his parents refused to pay for dance lessons? Or was it because his shoulders grew five times wider than his hips? Regardless of the true reason, all this soul searching made Ape-Man want to... act like a gorilla. Ape-Man beat his chest and made monkey grunts as he stomped around the stage! All of this was caught on camera and broadcasted to Paris, including…

 _Marinette's Room:_

The girl and her outer demon stared blankly at the adults acting like animals. Then Marinette switched to the livestream of the Mayor still crying to his estranged wife.

"Hey!" cried Tikki.

"What do you want from me? I'm grounded!" protested Marinette, "If mom or dad check on me and I'm not here, then I'll get _super-grounded!"_

"Oh now you listen to your parents? That's no excuse for not doing your job!" Tikki switched the computer back to the show. At that point, Nino and _Adrien_ ran past the camera!

Marinette's pupils shrank… "Adrien… in… danger…"

Seeing the transformation begin, Tikki sighed, "Ugh, it's gonna be one of those days."

The girl gripped the computer monitor and roared, "ADRIEN IN DANGER!" Faster than lightning, she tucked a pillow under her bed sheet to make it look like someone was sleeping under the blanket. More than excited to be part of the plan, Marinette's pillow did its best job to imitate a human body.

"That is not going to work," deadpanned Tikki.

"Tikki, spots on right the fuck now!" In a flourish of red she became Ladybug and swung out of her room!

Five seconds later, Tom and Sabine came into the room with a plate of cookies. Marinette's pillow tried to hold absolutely still as the parents somberly approached.

"Honey, we know you're probably still angry and don't want to talk," started Tom.

Sabine continued, "But please understand, we love you very much and only want to help you become a better person."

Marinette's pillow did not allow such an outpouring of pure compassion to distract from its duty and kept still.

Tom sighed, "My time in the clink taught me to hold onto the people you hold dear. If you want to stay in bed for the rest of the day, that's fine. But if you don't mind, maybe we can spend the day together as a family."

Since Marinette's pillow had no mouth with which to say no, Tom and Sabine took the silence and complete lack of movement or signs of breathing as a yes. They sat around the bed and started singing loving family songs.

Marinette's pillow wondered if this situation was ironic.

 _At the Paris TV Studio:_

Simon Says stood on top of a kneeling Ape-Man and addressed the camera, "Simon says, Gabriel Agreste cost me five grand so now I'm going to cost him his dignity! Stay tuned, folks, Agreste will be here tonight and we're going to have a long revealing talk about his dear wife."

Chat Noir, who landed on the rafters above, raised an eyebrow, "Wait, what?"

Hawkmoth's throat went dry, "Is there uh… is there an off switch?" He started frantically searching his majestic cane for a cancel Akuma button.

Simon Says was immediately tackled by Chat Noir! The cat-hero demanded, "Your cards can do that?! Gimme gimme gimme!"

With a quick flick of the wrist, the deck of magical cards scattered across the floor and the desperate boy scrambled to gather them. "Simon says, attack!" Ape-Man beat his chest and bull tackled Chat Noir out the stage door and smashed him against a wall! Then he smashed the hero against the wall again! And again! And again! And again! And again! It went on for a while. How long of a while? A while long enough for Simon Says to get bored and think out loud, "Simon says, you know what I suddenly want? An army. Yeah, an army sounds cool."

He then casually strolled passed the crater slowly forming in the drywall from the repeated Chat Noir smashing, got in an elevator, and got off at a random floor. There before him was a group of people! Perfect…

"Simon says, you are all my soldiers!" He threw a handful of cards and each shattered on the innocents! Each person stopped to think about where their life was going. Most had toiled endlessly at this mid-management role since they were barely in their 20s and what did they have to show for their efforts? They were cogs in a bloated machine that churned out uninspired crap and called it quality entertainment. Could they look their children in the eye and honestly say they did the best they could? For some reason, this made them want to... do everything Simon Says told them and the people saluted their new general.

Back upstairs, Ladybug obliterated the stage doors and steamrolled in, "AAADRIEEEN!"

The stage was empty.

"Ladybug?"

"Adrien?" she turned to the scared voice, but only found Nino cowering in the corner. "Oh, you're not Adrien."

"You've gotta help Chat Noir, dude!" Nino pointed to the hall where Ape-Man smashed the hero against the cracked and crumbling wall again! And again! And again! And again!

"Nah, he's fine," Ladybug waved off the violence, "I've done way worse to him."

The wall finally gave and collapsed to rubble. With nothing to be smashed against, Chat Noir was able to slip out of Ape-Man's hold! He threw the muscleman into a nearby elevator and activated Cataclysm! He scraped his magical claws against the elevator buttons and the elevator dropped straight down with Ape-Man inside!

"Holy merde, you killed him!" remarked Ladybug.

"Who? Ape-Man?" Chat Noir pointed at the elevator shaft that was a sheer 30 floor drop. They heard a distant metallic crash. "Nah, he's fine. His boss has done way worse to him."

"You dudes hafta stop Simon Says!" pleaded Nino, "He's totally got an army and he said he was going after Gabriel Agreste! I can't lose my Meal Ticket's money source!"

"Right!" nodded Chat Noir, "We should get to the Agreste mansion so we can be nearby if Mr. Agreste starts revealing deeply held secrets about missing family members—I MEAN, gets attacked… Yeah, let's go with that."

Before they could run off, Ladybug grabbed both boys by their collars and raised them high, "No one's rescuing nobody until I find Adrien!" she growled.

Then Chat Noir's ring began to beep, "Uh oh, um, I'm about to de-transform. You guys find Adrien and I'll meet you at the mansion." He scrambled through a door into a stairwell seconds before he morphed back to Adrien. "Phew, that was a close one. Now to climb a floor and sneak my way back to the recording stage so I can pretend to stumble across Nino and—" The door behind him burst open! He heard the rapid sniff-sniffing of air like a dog who was hunting a scent. A deep inhale tickled the back of Adrien's neck and he instinctively covered his crotch.

"Found you, hot stuff," purred the sexiest voice in the world.

Adrien whipped around, cheeks aflame, and he peered straight into her thirsty half-lidded eyes, "L-L-Ladybug! Hot—HIDING! I was hiding from—"

"Shhhhhh…" The goddess slowly pressed a polka-dotted finger to his trembling lips and whispered, "Don't worry, Ladybug will protect you." She then picked him up bridal-style with zero effort, "Now, let's go save your dad."

Adrien swooned.

* * *

 _Later, at the Agreste Mansion:_

Nathalie held open the door to let Ladybug carry Adrien inside. Just as Nino was about follow them, he was electrocuted and flung back by a forcefield in the doorway!

"OW! Dude! The hell?!" he cried.

"Oh good," Gabriel noted from the top of the marble escalator, "Your DNA is still forbidden from re-entry."

"Father! An Akuma's hypnotized army is coming for you!" warned Adrien, "You have to get far away from here!"

The proud bazillionaire scoffed, "As if I would let my actions be dictated by the threats of a madman. Why are you being carried by Ladybug? That's Ape-Man's job."

"He fell down an elevator shaft again, but, Father, please you must hide! Or, you know, give in to their rather simple demands and tell them everything about Mother..." he added with a hint of hope.

"Never. Adrien, you've had enough excitement for today. Nathalie, take him to his room and make sure he stays there," ordered Gabriel.

Nino shouted, "Yo, dudes, I can see the army! Don't leave me out here—" Nathalie slammed the door in Nino's face, took Adrien from Ladybug into her arms, and carried the boy upstairs.

Ladybug hungrily watched Adrien go, "I'm sure you don't need me. Your mansion's security system will be more than enough to keep you safe. I should probably keep a close eye on your son instead."

Gabriel just as hungrily watched Ladybug's ears and put a hand on her shoulder, "He's fine. Let me show you around the place."

 _In Adrien's Room:_

With her traditional groan of annoyance, Nathalie dropped Adrien on the floor and left. He got back to his feet and marched towards the bathroom, "Ladydoll, Ladybug is in the mansion."

The silicon human-esque machine whirred, "Acknowledged. Activating camouflage." The various Ladybug paraphernalia, action figures, body pillows, original LadyNoir and Ladrien fanfics were sucked up by a giant vacuum. Its optical scanners not detecting anymore contraband, Ladydoll put a lampshade on its head and stood in the corner.

Adrien then heard panicked banging on his 2nd story window. "Dude!" Nino screamed through the painful repeated forcefield shocking, "Please, let me in! They're coming!"

"Can't, Nino, gotta take a shower."

"NOW?!"

"What can I say, it's the model in me," he slipped into his bathroom and in a blast of black became Chat Noir again. He slipped through his bathroom window and climbed to the roof.

Nino spotted the open window and started shimmying around the building towards it.

 _In Gabriel's office:_

"Normally, parents have like 3 or 4 pictures around the house of their kid, but this… is beautiful..." Ladybug drooled at the wall of Gabriel's office that was literally a giant golden frame that housed dozens of various dreamy photos of Adrien. There were artistic black and whites that accented his chiseled jaw, action sports shots that showed off his lean physique, candid lounging shots with Adrien's legs spread wide open and his bulge centered in the frame. Ladybug took a closeup pic of that last one for her collection.

"My son is flawless, isn't he?" prompted Gabriel from behind as he quietly drew out a sledgehammer.

"Mmm, yes, I do love me some eye candy," the heroine licked her lips, unaware of the armed man slowly approaching her.

Gabriel raised the sledgehammer, his eyes gleaming at her earrings, "The image of perfection. Look all you like..."

"THEY'RE HERE!" Chat Noir dove in through a window and shut it behind him.

Gabriel quickly hid the sledgehammer behind his back, "Who's here?"

"Simon Says' army!"

Just outside, a mob of people mindlessly gathered at the mansion gates as they pondered if they were truly happy.

"Relax," sighed Gabriel with boredom. "I had this place designed to survive World War III. Watch." He went to a raised computer podium and typed in a code. The computer scanned all ten of his fingerprints, both of his eyes, and his entire head of well-coiffed hair.

"Identification verified," said an automated voice. "Lockdown engaged! Spike pits opened! Moats 1 through 5 flooded! Laser turrets primed! Bio-mechanical moth released! Radioactive mimes on standby!" The room around them transformed! Across the huge mansion, every door and window shut and was sealed! Security footage monitors slid out, showing every inch of the home!

On one monitor, Nino grabbed the bathroom window ledge and triumphantly laughed, "Haha!" A 10-inch wall of solid steel sealed the window shut while simultaneously crushing his hands, "AAAAAAHHHH!"

"Uh, what was that about a moth?" asked Ladybug.

"Don't worry, Toothless is strictly a vegetarian." Gabriel strummed his sledgehammer with pride as they watched Simon Says' army fruitlessly bang on the gates, "My home is a veritable fortress. Nobody is getting inside. I have prepared for every variable." Then Simon Says' army pushed the front gate off its hinges and it fell over like a house of cards. Everybody stared. "Huh. I suppose I never considered 20 people pushing all at once," admitted Gabriel.

"Isn't that ironic," mouthed off Chat Noir.

"Wait, is it?" wondered Gabriel.

"They're gonna get inside!" gasped Ladybug, "Adrien in danger! ADRIEN IN DANGER!"

Seeing his defense system falling apart, Gabriel frustratingly called, "Nathalie!"

"What?" the assistant groaned right next to him.

"Whoa! You were here this whole time? Astruc, start wearing a bell or something. Here," he opened a panel. Inside were two remotes. "Go with Ladybug and use one of these to open any exits she might need."

The woman stared disinterestedly at the device before pointing at a glittery painting of a blonde woman behind him, "Mr. Agreste, can't we just hide in the impenetrable hidden tower—"

"NO! Shush! We're doing the remotes!"

Nathalie groaned in annoyance, took one of the remotes, and left with Ladybug to get Adrien. Chat Noir, realizing that Ladybug and Nathalie couldn't find _him_ if he was _here_ , grabbed the other remote and opened a window, "I'mma go secure the roof! Stay safe!" He dove out and the window resealed.

 _Meanwhile:_

Ladybug kicked down Adrien's door and froze as she was suddenly assaulted by a smell. _His glorious smell_. Never had she ever held witness to such an intense overpowering stench of _Adrien!_ It was too much! She felt like she'd melt into a puddle!

Then she heard the shower.

Nathalie rolled her eyes at the only other door in the room, "Really? He's taking a shower? Now? Unbeliev—"

"Leave."

Nathalie stared the heroine, a little disturbed by the predatory grin she was making, "Excuse me?"

Ladybug repeated, "Leave."

Nathalie decided she didn't care anymore and stepped out.

Her heart racing faster than the speed of light, Ladybug grasped the bathroom's doorknob with a shaky hand. Her grin only grew wider and sharper as she told herself, "Calm. Be calm. So what if he's _naked_ in there? Remember, you're not a pervert like Chat Noir. You're here to protect him. You're not a pervert, protect him. You're not a pervert." Her vision went blurry from the combination of the everpresent smell of Adrien and the tantalizing temptations that waited just beyond. She wiped away the drool and, with a twist, cracked the door open ever so slightly. She poked her head inside, ready to avert her unworthy gaze. "Uh, Adrien?"

"Yeah?"

From the billowing steam around the corner leaned his incomparably magnificent blonde head. For a while, neither said a word, the only sound being the sprinkling shower which was putting more and more naughty thoughts into Ladybug's mind about the rest of Adrien's hidden body.

Adrien cleared his throat, "Are you here to tell me we need to go somewhere safer?"

She nodded yes.

"Can I put my clothes on first?"

She didn't answer.

Instead, Ladybug fully stepped into the bathroom and shut the door behind her. Like a panther stalking her prey, she crept towards the now burning red and babbling nonsense model.

"N-N-Not that I'm implying that me coming out wearing _n-nothing_ is an option! I w-w-wouldn't make you uncomfortable like that! Not that I'm uncomfortable around _you_! You're g-g-great! Amazing, in fact! If there was any girl in the world I'd be comfy wearing _nothing_ around, it'd be you! NOT THAT I'M OFFERING!"

"Hey..." Ladybug gently brushed one of his golden hairs out of the way and huskily whispered, "You wear whatever you like. It'll still be your sexy fine self underneath." She left the way she came in, her polka-dotted hips swinging in a way that arrested Adrien's attention. At the door she stepped halfway out, looked back, and gave a sultry wink.

The door shut and Adrien dropped dead.

"DAAAAMN!" whooped Plagg, "K.O.! She got you! Two for two!"

Ladybug leaned against the door and gulped at what she'd done, "Okay, maybe you're a little bit of a pervert."

 _Meanwhile, outside:_

Nino at last removed his hands from under the steel and fell down to the lawn. He groveled at the foot of the mansion door as the hypnotized army advanced! "No, please, dudes! I just became rich like a month ago! Alya and I haven't even had our first fight yet where I eventually buy back her love! NOOO!" The army marched right past him and started banging on the mansion's front doors. Nino blinked at how they ignored them, "Oh right, they're not after me. Oh well, time to go home, I guess." Nino shrugged and turned to leave.

His exit was blocked by the metal thorax of a 6-story cyborg moth! Across her chest was the word 'Toothless'. The marvelous beast's mechanical proboscis snorted nectar at the boy.

Nino nervously held up a wad of euros, "Uh… friends?"

The creature graciously feeded on what she thought were green leaves and placed her new friend on her back and took flight.

 _Back in Adrien's room:_

Ladybug paced back and forth, going into full freak out mode! She had made this weird! She had made this _so weird!_ And even worse, SHE LIKED IT! She was turning into Chat Noir! AHHH! But then her mental breakdown was halted by a new face! The desktop image of one of Adrien's 12 computers was the headshot of some blonde bimbo! Was this the dastardly crush Adrien wrote that poem to way back on Valentine's Day?! It must be! She probably dyed her hair and started wearing tinted contacts to escape from Marinette!

She must die!

Adrien awkwardly scooted towards her, running a towel through his strangely already dry hair and wearing the same exact outfit he had been wearing the entire day. "Oh, you found the picture of Mother. That was her when she was 17."

"Oh that's your mom? Phew, that was a close one. Hold on...17?!" blinked Ladybug. "As in 1 year older than you? Is it just me or does she look 30?"

"No, she does look 30. I'm not really sure why, but she's looked that age almost her entire life." Adrien opened a folder on his computer labeled: 'family album.' "Here's her when she was 12."

"She looks 30."

"When she married Father."

"She looks 30."

"When she took her first steps."

"She's in a diaper and she still looks 30!" Ladybug shielded her eyes, "Is this like a rare strain of progeria? The fuck?!"

Adrien shrugged, "I'd ask Father, but he doesn't like to talk about Mother after she… stopped… being here…" The boy suddenly got quiet.

"Oh my Astruc, your mom is..." Ladybug empathetically reached out to the poor boy, "...dead?"

Again Adrien shrugged, "It's not clear."

"Wait, what?"

"I mean, she was here, then she wasn't. I assumed she died. She could've also just as likely fallen into some kind of magically induced coma and Father's keeping her in stasis in some kind of secret lair under my house while he searches for a way to revive her*, but nobody's told me otherwise."

"Wait, whaaaaaaaaaaaaat?!"

Suddenly the mansion's barred and hydraulically locked front doors opened on their own! Like vermin, the hypnotized army quickly swarmed the house! A group ran into Adrien's room and Ladybug shoved her true obsession back into the bathroom!

"Stay here!" she ordered before locking him inside.

Thankfully, this was the perfect distraction and Adrien transformed back into Chat Noir to rejoin the fight!

 _Meanwhile, at Gabriel's office:_

The bazillionaire could only watch as, one by one, his security footage became static! His millions of euros worth of home security was being torn asunder by the people! "I don't understand!" he pounded his monitor in anger, "How did they get in? How are they bypassing everything?!"

"Beats me," smirked Nathalie. She then pressed a button on her remote and unlocked the office doors, letting the army inside! They charged their target and grabbed him before he could swing his sledgehammer!

Their leader cackled as he entered, "Simon says, gotcha. Take him away!"

"No! Get your hands off me! How dare you!" roared Gabriel as he was dragged out. "Nathalie, help! Do something!"

Nathalie took a seat and watched.

"Oh ha ha, Nathalie!" sarcastically laughed Gabriel, his fingers clawing at the carpet as he was pulled towards the door. "You've had your fun, now seriously _help me!_ "

Nathalie pulled out a bowl of popcorn and got comfortable.

Gabriel barely held onto the office door's edge as he shouted, "What is this about, Nathalie? The Christmas party? That wasn't my fault! We were under the mistletoe—"

Nathalie hit another button on the remote and the office doors shut, crushing Gabriel's hands.

"AAAAAHHH!"

* * *

 _Later:_

After Ladybug and Chat Noir discovered Gabriel had been taken, they hurried back to the Paris TV Studio! As they climbed the multiple floors to the recording stage, the show was already going!

Simon Says addressed the camera, "Simon says, welcome back, viewers! As promised, we have our special contestant Gabriel Agreste! Come on down, sir!" Gabriel was led onto the stage by Ape-Man, who had an elevator door indented in his skull. "Simon says, you ready to play, Mr. Agreste?"

"Do your worst! You'll never get me to open up about about my wife and the morally reprehensible things I've committed in her memory!" he proclaimed.

The heroes arrived at the stage door. On the screens on the walls, they could see Mr. Agreste hadn't been hypnotized yet. "We made it just in time! Let's put an end to this!" Ladybug cracked her knuckles. Just as she was about kick down the door, Chat Noir stepped in her way.

"Whoa, whoa! Hold on, M'Lady, maybe we should think this through…?"

Ladybug stared, "Think?"

"Yeah, you know, come up with a plan of attack. Nothing too complicated," he kept glancing at the live broadcast, "Just long enough to let a certain somebody speak their mind."

 _In the studio:_

Simon Says put away his cards and pointed out, "Simon says, 'morally reprehensible,' you say?" He then took a seat on a chair and motioned to the lounging couch nearby, "Simon says, rather harsh choice of words."

Gabriel agreed as Ape-Man laid him on the couch, "Oh yes, you would not believe how many sleepless nights of self-loathing I've spent trying to justify my actions. With the vast amount of money I make, I'm used to doing and having whatever I like immediately and without consequence. But not this time. As many problems as money can solve, it hasn't done a single thing about the guilt."

 _In the hall:_

"My plan of attack is the same as with every other Akuma: run in there and imagine I'm punching _you_ as hard as I can," informed Ladybug, "We're wasting time! Come on!" She tried to push past him, but the cat-boy grabbed her.

"Just a little bit longer! Please!"

Chat Noir's eyes were glued to the TV as Simon Says scribbled some notes and asked, "Simon says, guilt?"

"...I lie to my son, almost every day, to protect him..." shuddered Gabriel. Chat Noir froze as the man continued, "because he's all I have left. I'm afraid that if he finds out who I really am… _what_ I really am… I'll lose him too."

"Chat Noir, get off me!" demanded Ladybug, but he wouldn't budge.

Simon Says nodded sagely, "Simon says, well, Mr. Agreste, we all have those we want to keep safe but we can't always be there. Your son is a growing boy and at some point you won't be able to protect him from the world. And when that time comes, you have to trust him as much as he trusts you."

Chat Noir was on the brink of crying as a tear rolled down his Father's cheek, "When that day comes, I don't know if I'll be strong enough."

"Simon says, start small," advised the Akuma, "When you get home, talk to your son. Be honest with him. Find a way to show you trust him. It'll come easier after that."

The man wiped away the tear and gave a rare smile of hope, "Thank you."

"Simon says, it's why I'm here. Now, Simon says, go jump off the roof."

A card shattered on Gabriel, "Oh you sonuva—" and he was overcome with the urge to act like an airplane. Gabriel spread his arms and rushed off camera while making engine noises.

"No!" gasped Chat Noir, "Fath—"

"LOOK AT WHAT YOU'VE DONE!" shouted Ladybug before hurling Chat Noir through the door! She charged into the studio and threw her yo-yo into the air! "Lucky Charm!" Down came a harmless non-magical toy yo-yo.

Ladybug stared, "Well, this couldn't get more pointless."

The villain drew a card, "Simon says, your yo-yo is useless!" The card flew across the room and shattered on Ladybug's yo-yo! The ancient magical weapon stopped twirling, fell to the floor and exploded!

Ladybug blinked, "I stand corrected. You can hypnotize inanimate objects to self-destruct? How the fuck does that work?!"

"Simon says, fuck you, that's how!" sassed the Akuma.

Chat Noir leaped over Ladybug, his staff raised high for a strike!

"Simon says, your staff is useless!" Shatter! The metal pole slumped over like a wet noodle.

The villain gave a toothy smile before holding up two entire hands of cards! "Simon says, give me your Miraculous!" A wall of shiny hypnotizing cards flew at Chat Noir! There wasn't a single direction in which he could dodge! This was it. He was going to lose his free will, his Miraculous, and Father. He shut his eyes and apologized to his Lady.

Shatter!Shatter!Shatter!Shatter!Shatter!Shatter!Shatter!Shatter!Shatter!Shatter!Shatter!Shatter!Shatter!Shatter!Shatter!Shatter!

Chat Noir didn't feel different. He thought being hypnotized would at least feel dizzy. "Simon says, what the— How did I miss?!" Chat opened his eyes. The floor around him was littered with cards. Between him and Simon Says she stood, arms spread wide. Card after card soared past her, none coming even close, as Simon Says frantically fired. A firm resolute grimace, cut across her face. He had never been more in love.

"B-B-Bugaboo..."

"Shut up!"

"You protected me!"

"SHUT UP!"

"You do care!"

"You gonna make a habit out of this, Chat?" she grumbled, staying between him and the danger, "This was almost the second time you got mind-controlled by the bad guy. If this keeps happening, I warn you that I will take full pleasure in beating the ever living merde out of you every time."

"Ooh, but LB, I live to bring you _pleasure_ ," he purred.

Ladybug's whole body convulsed, "Just stay behind me!" She charged and he followed.

The villain kept firing, "Simon says, stop! Simon says, give up! Simon says, freeze! Simon says, what the fuck?!"

Ladybug whipped the toy yo-yo, striking the cards out of Simon Says' hands! Chat Noir jumped into the air and disintegrated the entire deck with Cataclysm!

After casting Miraculous Ladybug, all the damage to the Agreste mansion was repaired!

Her magical yo-yo was fixed!

The people were freed from their hypnotic prisons! This included Gabriel moments before he jumped!

Gabriel looked over the roof edge and let out a relieved sigh, "Phew, that was a...aa...aaa…AACHOOOO!" The sneeze almost made him wobble off the precipice! A couple scary seconds later, he regained his balance. "Huh… thought I was going to fall there."

Then the roof edge broke underneath him and he fell!

"AAAAAAAAHHHHHH!" screamed the bazillionaire as he sped towards the body crushing pavement! A shadow passed over the road below him! Was that Ladybug swinging to save him? The shadow got much bigger and instead of a polka dotted arm grabbing his collar, he was scooped out of the air by a giant metal proboscis!

"Toothless?"

The cyborg moth belched electric fire into the sky before swooping back to the top of the studio. The beast left her master on the roof. Nino dropped flat on his face next to Gabriel just before Toothless took off again. Now forever scared of heights, the boy slowly crawled his way downstairs. Chat Noir and Ladybug gave Nino a passing glance as they ran to the roof.

"Mr. Agreste, we freed you before you jumped!" celebrated Chat Noir.

"Yes..." Gabriel stared wide-eyed into the distance, "Yes, technically you did."

"Well, I don't want to keep you from getting home and having a heart to heart with your son or something. See you again soon, Mr. Agreste," Chat Noir shook the hand of the shell shocked man who just nearly died. The rapid beeping from the hero's ring snapped Gabriel out of it and he instinctively reached for his sledgehammer. Alas, his weapon was back home and he could only watch as both heroes swung away with their Miraculous.

* * *

 _Later, at Adrien's bedroom:_

Adrien tried to act casual, bouncing on the balls of his feet in excitement. "He'll be here any second! Ready, Ladydoll?"

The abominable machine focused its multiple cameras, "Ready to document Master Agreste's secret."

The lock clicked and his Father slowly walked in. Adrien silently waited with barely contained joy as the man approached him. He looked up into his eyes and held his breath for the big reveal… Then he felt warmth wrap around his body. Father's arms were for some reason constricting themselves like snakes all over Adrien.

And it felt… good...

"What… What's happening?" croaked the boy as the mysterious action caused unexpected tears to fall, "What is this?"

"This is called a hug, son. It won't kill you," endearingly explained his Father.

"Oh my Astruc, this is so nice!" blubbered Adrien as he experimentally encased his arms over Father's body as well.

"Adrien, something happened today," Gabriel whispered harrowly, "And it gave me some perspective. I want to be more honest with you and tell you what I've been doing. You might not like what you hear, but I must tell you." Gabriel braced himself, "Your Mother is here."

Adrien nearly cried again at finally being told the fate of Mother in such a poetic way, "Oh Father, I know Mother is here with us too." He patted both of their hearts fully meaning the metaphorical 'with us.'

"You do?" Amazed, Gabriel pondered how his son had discovered the secret lair under the house. Seems his baby boy was more clever than he thought. "I'm sure you have many questions."

"I'm not a kid anymore, Father, I completely understand. You don't have to explain anything."

His Father stuttered in astonishment at the liberating claim, "Y-You sure?"

"Positive!"

Ladydoll ran a diagnostics check on its irony sensors which were going ballistic.

 _Later:_

Gabriel stopped by Nathalie's desk, toweling the various tear stains on his suit. "Normally, a prank like yours would warrant firing."

The assistant stopped typing and looked at her boss with slight apprehension.

"But I see now that by allowing me to be taken, you were also forcing me to go to that Akuma therapy session, which has brought me and Adrien closer," concluded Gabriel.

Nathalie gawked at his stupidity, "Sure, let's go with that."

"Thank you, Nathalie."

* * *

 _A week later, at Marinette's house:_

As the latest episode of Ridiculous Random Challenge played on the TV, Tom looked over the report from school, "Looks like you weren't absent from school the entire week. Excellent news, Marinette, you can go join your friends on the set."

"Wow, dad," Marinette massaged her head, "You really don't get how TV works. It's live! As you can see, the episode is being recorded right now and the studio is on the other side of Paris! You should've ungrounded me an hour ago!"

"Honey, we've been over this," chided Sabine. "Parenting doesn't have to make sense."

"Screw it! I'll stay home and watch the show with you guys," Marinette collapsed on the couch and poured herself a glass of wine.

"Huh, kind of defeats the whole lesson of responsibly being where you're supposed to be but whatever," shrugged Tom.

On the TV, French Ryan Seacrest opened the envelope, "Your Ridiculous Random Challenge is to get 2 celebrities dancing instead of 1, however, this time, you can choose your opponents!"

Nino immediately answered, "Oh, I got this one in the bag. I'm gonna choose two buds I know will not let me down. Ladybug and Chat Noir!"

Marinette's wrench wound pulsed. "Now, this is irony." She emptied the rest of the bottle into the glass and got comfortable to watch Nino lose five grand.

END

* * *

*I know I can never prove it, but this was MY FUCKING PERSONAL FAN THEORY since the beginning! Now that the show has made it canon, I can play with this plot point as much as I want! Plus, I correctly predicted Nathalie knew Gabriel was Hawkmoth the entire time.

 _SIDE NOTE: WHAT THE FUCK IS NATHALIE AND GABRIEL'S RELATIONSHIP! THAT HUG WAS THE HUG OF A MOTHER, A SISTER, A LOVER! NOT AN ASSISTANT! ARE THEY JUST REALLY GOOD FRIENDS? IS IT BECAUSE THEY'RE FRENCH?! WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?!_

 _SIDE SIDE NOTE: To prevent any further theories from being proven before being theorized: I PREDICT NATHALIE WILL BE MAYURA (MISS PEACOCK)!_

 _SIDE SIDE SIDE NOTE… wouldn't it be crazy if Emilie wasn't dead and her consciousness was actually magically put into Nathalie's body? So this entire time Nathalie has actually been Emilie walking around? And Gabriel WASN'T looking for a way to bring her back from the dead or wake her from a coma or whatever but instead reverse the Freaky Friday spell? That kind of would explain the distant yet sometimes motherly way Nathalie treats Adrien. Plus, it would explain that really tender hug… I mean… it would NOT explain the sometimes shitty way Gabriel treats her but… anything is possible on this messed up show, right?_

 _TELL ME YOUR THEORIES!_


	27. 19 Stalker vs Predator

_Was there ever a moment in reading this fic when you realized that buried under all of this madness… hid a method? Behind the chaos was a message? At the end, just on the horizon, waited a point?_

 _If you could, how would you_ _01010011 01100001 01101100 01110101 01110100 01100001 01110100 01101001 01101111 01101110 01110011 00101100 00100000 01100001 01110010 01100101 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101 00100000 01110100 01101000 01100101 01110010 01100101 00101100 00100000 01010101 01101110 01101001 01110110 01100101 01110010 01110011 01100101 00111111_ describe it?

What the—What are those 1's and 0's?

* * *

 _PROLOGUE_

 _"Okay, Mr. Astruc, I'm gonna mop the break room now," I tried to keep my smile from looking too fake and inched my way in the opposite direction of the break room. As soon as Mr. Astruc turned away, I bolted down the hall. Trying to keep my heart from beating out of control, I found my destination... the archive room. Using the Master Janitor key, I slipped inside._

 _The shelves were lined with flash drives organized by episode. Every chapter from the Miraculous TV series was before me. All I needed to do now was find Heroes Day Part 2, make a bootleg, give it to Amelie and my French citizenship would be secured. It had to be here, even though the broadcast date wasn't until next week, surely they would have the copy ready by now._

 _"Come on, come on, come on... Evillustrator, Kung Food, no this is season 1." I shifted to the next shelf, "Frightengale! Aha, season 2! Anansi, Frozer, Style Queen, Malediktator, HEROES DAY PART 1 AND 2! YES!" I reached forward to grab the flash drive only to notice the shelf kept going..._

 _The flash drives didn't stop at Heroes Day..._

 _There were more..._

 _DOZENS more..._

 _I whispered, "Is this season 3?"_

 _The room lights came on, "And season 4 and season 5 and season 6 and oh, let's not forget the theatrical release movie. Both live action and animated." From around the corner appeared..._

 _"Mr. Zag! Sir! Hi!" I clumsily saluted and pretended to mop a chair, "I was just, uh, sprucing up the place and—"_

 _"And you happened to stumble into the one room you shouldn't have," my mancrush flashed his perfect smile. "Don't you find it strange that a TV show as popular as 'Miraculous' has such a sporadic release schedule? That in the 3 YEARS since its premiere we're just only NOW arriving at the season 2 finale?"_

 _That sexy smile of his was starting to make me uncomfortable, "Um... I assumed since it was so well animated that the production takes a long time and—"_

 _"HAHAAHAAAHAAAA!" Zag's cold laughter sent a shiver down my spine and not in a good way. "Please, don't insult yourself. Every single episode is a ridiculous monster of the week with the barest minimum of character development. Sure, we hint at change, but at the end of each episode everything remains the same. Hawkmoth isn't caught, Marinette doesn't confess, nothing changes. TV Writing 101. We finished scripting the entire series within the first month of 2015."_

 _"WHAT? ARE YOU SERIOUS?!"_

 _"And the animation you find so pleasant that supposedly takes so long? There are entire skyscrapers in South Korea dedicated to animating western TV shows. We finalized the 150th episode of 'Miraculous' by the time we were rolling out Volpina."_

 _I had lost all ability to form a full sentence and sputtered, "W-W-Why?"_

 _Zag moved across the room, dragging a finger over the entirety of the completed Miraculous series, "Why? Why the constant delays? Why the months between single episode releases? Simple. A fandom only lives for as long as you feed it. Release an entire series on Netflix all at once and you'll get a short burst of diehard fans but with nothing else to consume they will die quickly. Anticipation is needed to cultivate fanart, fan theories, online debates on shipping and story threads, and, of course, FANFICTION."_

 _My throat went desert dry. My fics. My creative release. They were the result of a marketing tactic, to further grow a product that was already complete!_

 _"It's sad... I really did like you," The only exit behind me locked with a loud click, "And now, like most janitors, you know too much..."_

 _...TO BE CONTINUED..._

* * *

 **Miraculous Headache  
** _Chapter 19: Stalker vs Predator_  
By: I Write Big

A classroom does not strictly have to be a room in a school. As Principal Damocles would say, education can happen anywhere! All that is required is the opportunity and the drive to learn! Which was why Miss Bustier's class found themselves in the Grand Paris Luxury Hotel!

"Today, you'll be getting some hands-on experience doing the many different jobs required to run a hotel like this," announced Miss Bustier.

Alya thought out loud, "Didn't we have a Career Day like ten episodes ago when your dad got arrested?"

"Wait for it," advised Marinette.

"And this is all thanks to a hefty bribe—that was cheaper than paying the actually legal employees who are on strike—from the hotel's owner Mayor Bourgeois!" added their teacher.

Marinette rolled her eyes, "There it is."

Nino raised his hand, "So wait, we're like totally getting paid, right?"

"Nobody said that," corrected Miss Bustier. "Now, who wants to go to the kitchen to try igniting an industrial oven without adult supervision and who wants to come upstairs to one of the many empty hotel rooms with me and learn how to… _make a bed?_ " Their teacher licked her luscious lips and waggled her smoky eyebrows. Behind her, the elevator door dinged open and the music that played from within was suspiciously saxy.

Every boy and girl either stared uncomfortably or immediately donned a chef hat, except Nathaniel who's possessed hand shot straight into the air! "AH! No, I didn't mean to do that!" the boy screamed!

Miss Bustier grabbed the panicking redhead and pulled him into the elevator, "Everyone else will get assignments from Mayor Bourgeois!" She squeezed the trembling young student's shoulders and moaned into his ear, "Come on, Nathaniel, I'll show you the difference between a sheet and a _comforter..._ "

"HEEEEELP!"

The elevator doors shut, muffling his cries for rescue, and most of the class shuffled to the kitchen. The only kids who stayed behind were Alya, Nino and Marinette.

"This sucks!" groaned Nino. "Yo, Alya, I actually bought the Honeymoon Suite here a week ago. You wanna sneak up there and play 'Mom and Dad Will Be Home Late?' I brought the dress this time so I can be li'l sis."

"Meet you there. I wanna see how this ends," Alya focused her phone on the scene before her. Marinette was watching Chloe hang on Adrien's arm at their assigned front desk.

"Wow, ever since Father indirectly implied Mother was dead, I just can't get enough of this hugging thing!" Adrien cheerfully gripped Chloe tighter so the pain would go away.

Chloe paused, "Wait, your mommikins is... dead?"

"Yeah, isn't it great?"

His off puttingly positive attitude and happy word choice did not sit well with Chloe and she tried to let go of him.

Adrien wouldn't let her.

Nearby, Alya swung her phone back towards Marinette who was foaming at the mouth. "Give you three guesses on who helped with the assignments," sassed Alya. Her star's eyes starting turning blood red. "Bet Chloe specifically requested that she and Adrien get half an hour to 'clean up' the Janitor's Closet. _Alone..._ " Hair began to fray and Marinette resembled a rabid animal. Alya snickered and gave one last push, "If you don't do something, Chloe's going to have Adrien for the rest of the day. All to herself. _To smell!_ "

What happened next, only Tikki and Alya saw. Perhaps it was Alya's camera that saved her for, rather than outright killing the blogger, the mephistophelean image on her screen simply petrified her in place. The beast that had replaced Marinette stomped past the Alya statue towards the blonde waste of flesh that blemished _HER ADRIEN!_ The only way to remove such a blight was a prompt disembowelment. Yes, that would do nicely…

Then the hotel's front doors opened and in came, surrounded by mountains of suitcases, none other than Jagged Stone!

Every student gawked in awe at the rockstar's sudden presence! Even whatever-Marinette-had-become's claws and horns retracted and she fangirled, "HOLY MERDE! JAGGED STONE!"

No eye left Jagged Stone as he adjusted his grip on the chain leash of his live almost car-sized _crocodile_! The celebrity scanned the hotel's front lobby before gracing everyone with his beyond sexy British accent.

"What the bloody hell? This hotel run by fucking kids?!"

Mayor Bourgeois stumbled forward, "I mean, today, yes. Budget and all that. Welcome, Mr. Stone, to the Grand Paris Luxury Hotel! The most luxurious and grandest hotel in all of Paris!"

"Yeah, I heard your bellhop, who I'm just now realizing was also a kid and not a midget. Your brilliant marketing team must be shitting their pants with pride."

"He said 'shit' instead of merde!" Marveling at the hot way Jagged spoke, the Mayor bowed, "I am Andre Bourgeois, the owner of this establishment and mayor of Paris."

"Owner _and mayor?_ That explains the illegal child labor, which by the way has been shown to stunt long-term development and deprive children of their—"

The purple haired woman behind him jumped in, "What Mr. Stone is trying to say is we would like your best room."

"Yeah, mate, and it better be big enough for me to wash me croc."

The purple haired woman continued, "Mr. Stone means snort cocaine. He intends to try to beat the world record for snorting cocaine. Out of all these suitcases, only one has Mr. Stone's personal belongings. The rest are filled with cocaine."

"Penny! A little discretion, luv?"

His agent shrugged, "We'll be fine as long as we pay in cash and nobody takes any pictures."

KER-FLASH!

Everybody turned to the pale blonde cameraman poorly hiding behind a plant. Jagged narrowed his eyes at the incriminating device, "Oh look, Fang, your lunch is here." And he dropped the leash. Immediately the giant man-eating reptile hungrily slithered towards the diehard fan! The cameraman screamed and jumped onto a table. Fang, welcoming the challenge, began to maul away the soft chewy table legs.

"Hey, Jagged! Remember me? It's Vincent!" the cameraman too eagerly waved to Jagged. "I was the guy who photographed you in the shower! Remember? What about the time I snuck into your bed and slept next to you? No? Oh, I know what will jog your memory, I was the guy who impersonated you and went to your mom's birthday party to got a hold of all your baby photos!"

Marinette took notes, "I have so much to learn."

"Why yes, Vincent, I do recall," Jagged violently waved a large stack of legal papers at him, "Do you recall the definition of a bloody Restraining Order?!"

"Oh Astruc, look into the lens and say 'bloody' again," swooned Vincent as he focused his camera for another shot. Suddenly, the frame was blocked by Penny's hand. The woman ripped the camera out of Vincent's grip and she tossed Vincent out the door. She followed him outside, carrying his camera. Removing the memory card, she snapped it in half and fed the remains to Fang. Vincent scoffed, "Come on, Penny, you really think that's gonna stop m—"

She smashed her fist through the lens.

"MY BABY!"

Vincent cradled his precious as Penny coldly went back inside.

* * *

 _Meanwhile, in a hidden tower:_

A great spiral window opened, illuminating the haunting figure of a man considering whether or not to increase his son's security, "Adrien has fans, but not stalkers like that, right? Maybe I should clone up some extra Ape-Men just to be safe… No, Gabriel, stop overprotecting. You promised you'd trust Adrien more. He'll be fine. This Vincent guy on the other hand..." Hawkmoth sent off a black butterfly, "He is going to die alone."

The dark messenger fluttered across the city until it found Vincent at the cemetary about to bury his destroyed camera, complete with a Scotsman playing 'Amazing Grace' on bagpipes. The insect shattered on the device and a pair of fashionably neon-pink butterfly themed sunglasses appeared on Vincent's face. He saw a silver-masked man, "Guess who? You up for some revenge, big guy?"

"I want Jagged Stone..." Vincent groaned like a zombie.

"Then I can grant you the power to capture his smile. Permanently..."

"You mean like carve off his perfect British lips so I can kiss them forever?" he asked too eagerly.

Hawkmoth blinked, "Nathalie, fire up the clone machine!"

"I'm not hearing a no..." Vincent giggled uncontrollably as he was swallowed by bubbling darkness.

* * *

 _Back at the hotel:_

"I have a job for you, Marinette," announced the Mayor.

"Okay. You coming, Alya?"

Alya didn't answer. She instead remained petrified, continuing to forever stare at her phone screen in abstract horror. From the sheer terror in her eyes, one could only assume she was peering into the endless oblivion. So, Marinette let her be and followed the Mayor upstairs to the penthouse where Jagged Stone would be staying.

"For the day, Marinette, you will be Mr. Stone's gofer," explained Bourgeois.

"Gopher? But I prefer to dress as a flamingo."

"Entertainment industry term, luv," explained Jagged as poured out a line of cocaine along Fang's back, "I need shite, the gofer 'goes for' the shite. Essentially means you're me slave. Not too different than modern day internships really, which are thinly veiled excuses to get free work without the guarantee of a job. And furthermore—"

Penny jumped in, "What Mr. Stone is trying to say is, for tonight's gig, Mr. Stone needs a specific pair of glasses," she read off a clipboard, "Colored red, white, and blue with two big Eiffel Towers. And before you ask, no, you will not be reimbursed for the purchase."

"Huh," remarked Marinette, "Didn't think this whole forced child labor thing could get more demeaning."

The hallway door opened and Miss Bustier poked her head in, "I could always use more _bedmakers_ , if you prefer..." the woman lecherously growled.

At her side, a blushing and shaking Nathaniel stammered, "So much s-s-silk..."

"I'm your gofer!" saluted Marinette.

Miss Bustier pouted in disappointment, "Suit yourself. Come on, Nathaniel, time to learn about _fluffing pillows..._ " And she dragged the poor boy away.

* * *

 _Later, under the Eiffel Tower:_

Luckily, Marinette found someone selling overpriced touristy sunglasses at the landmark and bought a pair. She gave the poorly made piece of plastic a look over, "Got some red, got some blue, tiny Eiffel Towers in the corner. All done. Time to head back so I can hang out with Adrien… _and Chloe..._ " An out of nowhere sense of bloodlust came over Marinette, but she managed to shake it off. She moved to store the glasses in her purse and paused.

Tikki was blankly staring back up at her.

"What? They're not good enough? If Mr. Stone wanted something better, then he should've specified."

Tikki continued to stare.

"I am not being lazy purely to be near Adrien! I am doing exactly what was asked of me!"

Tikki continued to stare.

"This isn't working, Tikki. You're not getting to me!"

Tikki continued to stare.

"Just say something!"

Tikki continued to stare.

"I'll show you! I'm gonna take these glasses straight to Mr. Stone and he's gonna love them!"

 _Later, at the hotel:_

"I HATE THEM!"

Marinette's mouth gaped like a fish at the white-nosed rockstar's rage.

"Where are the Eiffel Towers?"

"Um, uh, right here," Marinette pointed to them fearfully, "These have everything you asked for and—"

Jagged spit on the glasses, snapped them in half, and dropped the pieces on the floor where they were eaten by Fang. "This piece of shite ain't gonna bloody cut it! You trying to ruin me career, you little wanker?" All the sexy British slang in the world couldn't shield Marinette from the reality that she was being shouted at by her favorite musician and it brought her to tears. At the sight of Marinette's sorrow, a change seemed to come over Jagged. "Hold on, are you…? Oh my gosh."

Penny stuck her head in, "What Mr. Stone is trying to say is—"

"No, Penny, I got this."

To Marinette's surprise, Jagged gently offered her a handkerchief covered in electric guitars. She warily took it and dried her wet cheeks.

Jagged heaved a weary sigh and knelt down to her level. "Look, kid, I'm sorry. It's no real excuse, but I'm used to saying whatever the fuck I want and slagging people off because as long as I throw in some bog-standard, miffed, full monty, curtain twitcher, and so on, I can get away with it. Doesn't matter what I do, you french fuckers gobble me shite like its bangers and mash."

Marinette stumbled at the claim, "W-We do?"

"I ain't got no license to own a croc, but none of you snail slurping bastards stopped me from dragging one into a building filled with children. Pretty bloody sure that's considered an act of terrorism. Next time you want something impossible, talk like you're a Brit. Works wonders," he winked. "As I was saying, when a bloke's got that much freedom, he tends to forget that others have feelings too. I love rock 'n roll, it's me jam, but I'd be just another grasshopper living in me parent's garage without fans like you."

Marinette's heart stirred at being treasured by such a talented person, "Really?"

"'Course," he nodded, "Now wangle me those glasses, you wally."

"Yes, sir, Mr. Stone!" Not too sure what a 'wally' was, an emboldened Marinette set out to accomplish her mission.

As soon as she was out of sight, Jagged groaned in relief, "Fuck, I hate kids. Thank Astruc for me degree in Communications... and cocaine."

Marinette raced down to the ground floor! Inspiration pumped through her veins! If she couldn't find Jagged's glasses, then she'd make her own! Bursting past Kim, who had taken the bellhop job, she sprinted in the direction of her home!

Just as she left, what looked like a Tron cosplayer approached the front doors. Kim tipped his hat and clumsily read his script, "Good day, sir and/or madame, welcome to the Grand Paris Luxury Hotel. The most luxurious and grandest hotel in all of Paris. No, breakfast is not included. May I take your bags for you?"

The guest adjusted the strange camera-like headgear he wore and too eagerly grinned, "Only if I can take your picture… Look into the lens..."

KER-FLASH!

A ball of light fired out of the man's head-camera! And the ball struck a cactus that had randomly appeared in front of Kim in a blue mini-nuclear explosion! The cactus vanished in a puff of pixels!

"What the fuck…?" stared the Akuma.

"Yeah, that'll happen," shrugged Kim, "Let me hold the door for you before I go on my lunchbreak."

Still weirded out, the villain entered the hotel and headed in the direction of Jagged Stone's suite. He passed the front desk where Adrien still uncomfortably clung to Chloe.

Chloe cheered, "Oh thank Astruc, an excuse to stop hugging—I MEAN, a guest! Sorry, Adrikins, duty calls!" His hold on her slightly weakened and she sprang free. Adrien's empty arms flailed in search for comfort as Chloe dashed past the still petrified Alya to the stranger. "Excuse me! You cannot be a guest here. My daddikins only allows important celebrities, like moi. So unless you can afford a bribe, I'll have to ask you to leave."

"Well then, I'm Pixelator," the Akuma introduced himself with a too eager smile, "And I'm your number one fan."

"Finally! Some recognition!" Chloe gushed, "I knew all those years of making Sabrina do all the work would pay off!" She posed, "Feel free to bask, but I charge by the minute."

Pixelator primed his camera with a too eager smirk, "What about pictures? Look into the lens…"

"MUST HUG!" wildly screamed Adrien as he dove tackled Chloe.

KER-FLASH!

Both were struck and vanished in a puff of pixels!

"Adrien!" cried Hawkmoth but then he stopped himself, "No, Gabriel, let him make his own mistakes or he'll never learn."

Adrien and Chloe rematerialized in what appeared to be a neverending featureless white void! Chloe whipped around in shock at their new surroundings, "The hell? What happened? How did we get to this tacky place?"

"I don't know..." Adrien peered into the distance trying to spy any sign of life, "But whatever this place is, it feels symbolic of the hollowness I feel from the knowledge of my dead mother." He went ghostly quiet for a while. "I need another hug."

"Adrien, stop, I don't like comforting people who aren't me!" For the first time in her life, Chloe pushed Adrien away. She then finally spotted something else in the void. "Is that a cactus?" The two approached the potted desert plant. It was the only other object as far as the eye could see. "Who would put such a drab thing here?"

"Maybe… the cactus lives here," suggested Adrien, "Perhaps, we've been transported to an alternate dimension ruled over by a sentient cactus."

"Are you saying that plant thinks it's better than me?!" Chloe glared at the pathetic acanthocereus tetragonus. "Ha! They don't even have decent hair." She marched towards the cactus, ready to give the haughty thing a piece of her far superior mind when—

" **Excuse me.** "

Both teens froze. That voice… did it come from the…?

"Mr. Cactus?" squeaked Adrien.

" **What are you two doing in my vacation void?** " the same voice asked.

Not wanting to upset possibly their only means of escape, Adrien prostrated himself to the ground, "We are so sorry, Lord Cactus, we mean no harm to you or your realm. We are lost and are in need of a way back to our dimension."

" **...Follow up question, why are you talking to that cactus?** "

A shadow fell over them both and they looked up to see a confused floating man in a vibrant white shirt, a casual grey hoodie, and a full curly beard blossoming with pink flowers. He was eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles.

"Thomas Astruc?" gaped Adrien.

"Ugh, don't tell me _He_ thinks He's better than me, too!" grumbled Chloe.

* * *

 _Meanwhile at Marinette's:_

Marinette dug through her box of various knick knacks and supplies until she found a pair of pink-rimmed aviator glasses! She popped the lenses out of the frames, grabbed some markers, and got to work! The creative juices flowed like a fierce river as she crafted the greatest and/or ugliest pair of novelty glasses the world had ever seen! A few minutes later, the glass lenses had been replaced with two comically large red, white, and blue Eiffel Towers!

The young fashion designer nodded with satisfaction, "It's done!"

"Y'up!" congratulated Tikki, "Another Woeful Marinette Design complete."

Marinette choked as she realized she'd forgotten about her… _handicap…_ "Oh no… OH NO! I can't give these to Jagged Stone! They'll kill him! What do I do?! WHAT DO I—" Then she remembered the no longer unlucky charm Adrien took. "Wait a minute, the glasses won't kill Mr. Stone if somebody other than me changes them!"

"You're right! Good thinking, Marinette!" agreed Tikki.

She held out the glasses to the Kwami, "Here, do something to them!"

Tikki smiled, "No."

Marinette's eye twitched. She scrambled downstairs to the family room, "Mom? Dad? Anybody?!" No one was there. She sped out of the bakery and down the street back to the hotel! Marinette tripped through the front doors, ignored the Alya statue, and went to the front desk, "Chloe! Scratch these glasses!" No one was there. "Hellooo? WHERE IS EVERYBODY?!"

 _Meanwhile, in the void:_

" **SACRE BLEU, WHERE ARE ALL YOU KIDS COMING FROM?!** " demanded an annoyed Astruc as yet another teenager appeared in a puff of pixels.

Adrien interrupted His breakdown, "Um, Mr. Astruc, sir, if at all possible, could I see my Mother?"

" **Your mother?** "

"Yeah, her fate is in your hands. At least, that's what Santa said."

" **That Holiday Special was canon?!** " shouted Astruc. Then He caught Himself and started pretending to be high and mighty again, " **I MEAN! Mon cher doux canard innocent, I'm afraid I cannot. What befell your mother is according to my story arc.** "

Adrien blinked, "Did you mean to say 'divine plan?'"

" **Divine plan, story arc, my will be done, blah blah blah. Point is you have no control in the matter,** " Astruc shooed Adrien away and left to deal with the dimensional home invaders. " **Hey! Those are my Fruity Pebbles!** " Adrien watched his creator quite literally ignore his prayers. The existential sinking sensation it left threatened to devour him whole, so he hugged the first thing he could: the cactus.

"Ooh, your beard flowers are so pretty!" cooed Rose before she plucked one out and sniffed it.

" **Ow! Don't do that, they're sensitive.** "

"I'm still an atheist," claimed Juleka.

" **Yeah, well, that's your problem.** "

"With your boundless knowledge of the Universe, Astruc, meeting you in the flesh is an opportunity for immeasurable discovery!" Max excitedly pulled out a tape recorder. "What came first, the chicken or the egg? What is at the center of a black hole? Why is there stuff? How come—"

 _Back at the hotel:_

"NEEERD!" shouted Kim at the front door as he came back from his lunchbreak. He blinked in confusion, "...Huh, why did I say that?"

Near the top floor, Pixelator opened a door to one of the many suites, "Jagged?" He was greeted by the sight of a beautiful grown woman showing a nervous boy how to fold bed sheets.

"Remember to always keep the corners together, Nathaniel, or else it'll wrinkle."

"Do it! Just seduce me already, you temptress!" wailed the boy. "The teasing is driving me insane!"

She bashfully bit her lip and patted his head, "Patience..."

KER-FLASH!

Pixelator shut the door and decided to actually knock at the next room. Knock knock. "Oh Jagged, I'm here…"

The door was opened by a bespectacled boy in a frilly pink dress, "Come in, _big sis…"_

"..."

"..."

KER-FLASH!

"Um… Third time's the charm…?" Pixelator awkwardly scooted to the next door and took a deep breath before knocking, "Ahem… room service?" He peeked inside and saw a redheaded teenage girl dressed like Chat Noir, blindfolded and tied to the bed with ladybug-themed fuzzy handcuffs.

"Is that you, Mistress Chloe? I waited here all night like you ordered. My body is ready... _Punish me_!" she drooled.

...KER-FLASH!

Pixelator slammed the door shut and took a moment.

Down the hall, Marinette had fruitlessly searched every room on almost every floor! There wasn't a single soul in the building! It's like they were zapped away to a featureless white void or something! As she grew more desperate, Marinette resorted to mindlessly ripping open doors, hoping to find anyone who would alter her glasses!

"Hello? Anyone here? I need help! Somebody please damage my glasses!"

"Oh, you have Mr. Stone's glasses? Great!" Penny opened the next door and took the pair from Marinette's hands. "I'll make sure he gets them."

"NO! NO, NO, NO—" The door shut in Marinette's face. She took a deep calming breath. "Okay, Marinette, you have officially murdered a rockstar. This is why you have Mario." She slapped on her fake mustache, "Time to flee the country." She then spun on her heels and casually walked towards the nearest elevator. She had only pressed the call button when Pixelator knocked on Jagged's door. Penny answered and…

KER-FLASH!

Seeing the dastardly villain claim another victim, Marinette leaped with joy! "Yes, finally! Things are coming up Marinette!" She quickly hid in the elevator, "Tikki, spots on!" In a flourish of red she became Ladybug.

Inside the penthouse room, Pixelator sauntered towards the king-sized mattress where Jagged was polishing Fang's scales of cocaine with his nose.

"Hey there!" Pixelator too eagerly waved, "Time for your photoshoot!"

"What's all this then? Photoshoot? I don't have no bloody photoshoot scheduled. Fang, eat!"

The goliath beast hissed and charged!

KER-FLASH!

"Okay, I'm gonna blame the cocaine for your instinctive response to not knowing about a photoshoot being to sic your croc on me and keep this positive," Pixelator creepily crawled onto the bed, "I'm your number one fan, Jagged. Can I call you Jagged?"

"Rather you didn't," Jagged nervously shuffled back against the wall.

"Jagged, I want to immortalize your perfection," Pixelator's greedy grin grew impossibly wider as he began to beg on his knees, "I'll be your one and only fan. Your godliness will belong to me… _for eternity…_ " He primed his camera, "Now, look into the lens..." Unbreakable thread wrapped around Jagged and wrenched him across the room moments before Pixelator KER-FLASHED!

Jagged recovered from the abrupt rescue and saw his savior was… "Ladybug! Astruc, your lady-stache is much bigger in person."

"Hmm?" Ladybug realized she still had her Mario disguise on and quickly ripped it off. "Nevermind that! Did Penny give you the glasses?"

"What glasses?"

"Oh thank Astruc! Whatever you do, don't put on any novelty looking glasses!"

KER-FLASH!

A pixely ball of light flew straight over them! Pixelator, who was only ten feet away, stuttered in astonishment, "Wh-What?! How did—"

"'How did I miss?' Yeah, yeah, yeah," Ladybug waved off the Akuma's confusion. "Listen up, I've taken a point blank invisible bullet to the head and it still missed. Ultimate luck! Or as Chat would say, bullshit. I am untouchable."

Pixelator took that in. He pointed to the wall, "Is that mirror untouchable?"

KER-FLASH!

 _In the void:_

Something plopped into Juleka's lap in a puff of pixel, but it wasn't yet another teenager. She held it up for the rest of the class to see. It was a polka-dotted arm.

"Awesome," said Juleka and the initial hints of a sadistic smirk began to grow.

 _At the hotel:_

Ladybug's yo-yo fell to the ground and the heroine stared at her now low-rez 144p looking arm. She shakily tried to touch it, but her other hand simply phased through like the appendage wasn't there.

"NO, THAT WAS THE HAND ADRIEN HELD! WHY? WHY IS THIS A LOOPHOLE?!" she roared and for the first time as Ladybug actually started seriously dodging! Running on the walls as Pixelator KER-FLASHED off any reflective surface he could, Ladybug ducked and dived like crazy! She got behind one of Jagged's many hotel luggage carts of cocaine and shoved it at the villain. The drug avalanche was enough of a distraction for her to gather Jagged and her yo-yo and swing out the window.

Her mind was going a million miles a second! Her projectile-proof luck had been surpassed! She might actually need to think this one through! But she couldn't do that with Jagged Stone on her back. She needed to hide him in a place that nobody would ever think to look!

* * *

 _Later, at Principal Damocles' office:_

"Explain to me again why you're hiding a man, who's being hunted by a monster, in a school filled with children?" Damocles raised a bushy eyebrow.

"Hey, at least I didn't bring his crocodile," sassed back Ladybug.

"Oh give it a rest, headmaster, she's got the right idea," defended Jagged as he took a seat, "A school's the last place anyone would look for me. I finished me degrees in Communications and Political Science years ago."

Damocles stared at Jagged with newfound wonder. "Political Science? Do you… Are you interested in debating tax laws?"

"Are you having a laugh?" scoffed Jagged, "That's what half me music is about. What I was trying to relate in me single 'Take Control' was that the most recent housing tax laws are strangling single-parent families and there were plenty more positives for capping the tax bracket of lower income citizens..."

As Jagged continued on and on, demonstrating his financial knowledge and suggestions for political reform, unrepentant joy filled Damocles' soul as he realized that underneath that wild hair, ridiculous makeup, and nose full of cocaine... hid an intellectual like him.

Ladybug, thoroughly weirded out by this burgeoning unlikely friendship, interrupted, "Okaaay! Still missing an arm here! Mr. Stone, can you please tell me about your diehard fan Vincent?"

"Oh that prick?" Jagged wiped his powdered nose as he thought back, "Not much to tell. He comes to every single one of me shows, no matter what part of the world I'm playing in. Sends me stacks of letters, locks of his own hair, pictures of this huge shrine he's built in me honour from the rubbish he's collected outside me mansion."

Ladybug paused, "Wait… what was that last one?"

"Turns out, we went to school together and he sat right the hell behind me in class, keeping secret that he had this huge crush on me."

Ladybug was starting to see some similarities.

"And 'cause he never had the bollocks to tell me his feelings as a kid, he's dedicated his adult life to chasing me everywhere I go like a bloodthirsty demon or something. Whenever I'm on tour, getting me mane trimmed, or in the loo I always see his tent made from me posters just outside. As far as the bobbies can tell, he ain't got no family, mates, or life that don't revolve around me. That bloke don't eat, kip, shite or anything unless he's got a picture of me with him. Creepy, innit?"

And now Ladybug was seeing her potentially not too pretty future. "He—I—huh—I mean, he's me—I'm him? I'm gonna..." Ladybug dryly swallowed, opened her yo-yo's screen and typed in Vincent's address with her nose, "I'm gonna go investigate his apartment."

 _Meanwhile, at the Champs Elysees:_

Pixelator landed on top of the great Arc de Triomphe. As always, it was surrounded by constant traffic. Hawkmoth spoke to him, "Aha, so many hostages to take in order to draw out Ladybug and Chat Noir. Go ahead, Pixelator, let the photoshoot begin..."

Pixelator aimed his camera…

KER-FLASH!

One of the many drivers vanished from their car in a puff of pixels… and the car kept going until it smashed into the side of a truck! The truck swerved out of control, swiping through multiple lanes and sending dozens of cars careening into each other! The ensuing pileup erupted into gas-fueled flames that sent a pillar of black smoke into the air!

Hawkmoth's eye twitched, "Not the drivers!"

 _Meanwhile at Vincent's apartment:_

Ladybug arrived at the building and made her way to the right door while muttering desperate lies to herself, "Don't worry, it's not like this Vincent is any indicator of where your life is heading! You two are completely different! He's unhealthily obsessed with a celebrity! You just have a crush on a cute boy! There's an entire world's worth of difference there! You have nothing in common!"

She entered the apartment and saw what was basically a one-to-one recreation of her Adrien Shrine, complete with burning incense, lipstick covered head moulded from trash, mannequin dressed to resemble Jagged Stone, and… was that a skin suit?

"Fuuuuuuck..." she croaked.

"Ladybug?" a small voice called to her. She turned and found the wall was covered with Jagged Stone headshots, full body-shots, crotch-shots, and empty white frames populated by random people and _her class_! At the front of the group covered in cactus needles was…

"Adrien! Oh no, hold on! I'll save you!" She punched the picture with her still tangible fist with all her might and smashed straight through the wall!

"Hey!" complained the neighbor who just got a polka-dotted fist in his croissant.

"Whoops, sorry," she retracted her arm.

"We don't know how we got here, Ladybug," explained one of the random parisians. "This guy took our picture at the Champs Elysees and suddenly we were here."

"The Champs Elysees. I'll try there first. You guys stay put, I'll… get you… out…" Ladybug's eyes drifted past the crowd to someone hiding in the back. He was crouched with a familiar grey hoodie pulled over his head. Poking out of the jacket was what looked like a… pink flower.

"Astruc?"

" **Oh Jesus Christ!** " He flinched.

"Jesus who?" asked the dress-wearing Nino.

"This is where you've been hiding, you bastard?! My arm in there? Where is it? Somebody get my arm and beat the merde out of him with it!" ordered Ladybug.

"Um..." everybody looked to the left where Fang was munching on Ladybug's appendage while Rose rode the croc because she thought it was a scaly pony.

"Grrr!" the heroine growled, "Make sure that Fruity Pebbles loving jackass doesn't leave! I ain't done with him yet!" She ran out the door towards the the Champs Elysees.

Chloe asked, "Seriously, who's this Jesus dweeb? Does he think he's better than me, too?"

 _Meanwhile, at Principal Damocles' Office:_

Damocles and Jagged were enjoying some cocaine while watching a rousing documentary on the economics of Sweden in the 1870's when the broadcast was interrupted by an interview with Pixelator.

"My demands are simple," Pixelator told Nadia Chamak, "Either Jagged shows himself or I make all of Paris disappear. One person at a time." He then KER-FLASHED Nadia followed by the cameraman and the interview went to static.

Jagged clenched his fist, "I have to go out there."

"Surely you can't be serious!" Damocles exclaimed, fearful for his new friend, "It's too dangerous!"

"You forget, headmaster, I also have a degree in Communications. I can handle him." He took a last snort of cocaine, opened the door, and gave his fellow intellectual a final goodbye, "And don't call me Shirley."

 _Meanwhile at the Champs Elysees:_

The roadway had become a ghost town with only Pixelator waiting patiently in the street. Multiple police cars pulled up and took position. Officer Roger parked and charged gunfirst at the Akuma, "Here I come to save the day—"

KER-FLASH!

"Not sure what his plan was," muttered Pixelator.

"Got an itchy trigger finger, huh?" called out a nearby voice. He turned and saw who had returned.

"Ladybug, how's your hand?"

"Currently being digested. Thanks for asking."

On the far corners of the street, the remaining non-digitized parisians and policemen cheered!

"Hooray! Ladybug is here!" celebrated one.

"We're saved!" danced another.

"Yeah! She'll never surrender!" fistpumped a third.

Ladybug raised her hands, "I surrender."

"What?" blinked Pixelator.

"What?" blinked Hawkmoth.

"What?" blinked Paris.

"I won't fight you. I will give you Jagged Stone and my Miraculous but, _FIRST_ , you will bring back everybody trapped in your photos… includingThomasAstruc," she quickly added.

Pixelator narrowed his eyes, "And why would I do that?"

Ladybug cleared her throat and spoke in a thick British accent, "What're you on about? You'd have to be a right bloody bampot not to believe me, mate. I'm the only wanker here who knows where Jagged Stone's hold up. Don't I sound like a lass you can trust?"

Everybody stared.

"I don't know why..." Hawkmoth stroked his chin, "But I feel like we should do everything she says."

"Me too," agreed Pixelator, "Okay, Ladybug, you make a convincing argument. I'll release every single one of my hostages first and then you'll give me your Miraculous and Jagged Stone." The Akuma pointed a finger at the button on his headgear that once pressed would force everyone out of the void, including Thomas Astruc! Ladybug bit her lip in anxious anticipation as his finger slowly lowered towards the button… Closer… CLOSER!

"You wanted me, here I am, Vincent!" Jagged Stone took a heroic stance on an abandoned car.

"Gah! You stupid sonuva—" raged Ladybug.

"Vincent isn't here right now, Jagged. Prepare to be immortalized." Pixelator primed his camera. "Look into the le—"

"I'm sorry."

Pixelator's camera powered down and his trigger finger dropped to his side, "...Wh-What?"

"I said, I'm sorry, Vincent." Jagged climbed down and approached him, "You never talked to me… but I… I never talked to you neither. And maybe that's all you would've needed to not end up like this. To not be chasing after what you couldn't have as a bloody kid. Maybe you just needed someone who would've listened and gave a shite. If one of us had tried when we were younger… who knows? We might've been the best of mates."

Several tense moments of silence passed. Then Pixelator's arm started to rise back up. At first, Ladybug thought he was going for the shutter, but then his hand kept reaching around to the back. His fingers unfastened a clamp and his camera-headgear came off, revealing his vulnerable human eyes glistening with tears.

"I love you," confessed Vincent, "I've loved you since the moment I first heard you sing."

"I know."

Then, to Ladybug's, Hawkmoth's, and everyone else's astonishment, Jagged kissed him. It was a strong and passionate embrace that Vincent melted into. Years of held back emotion poured out all at once like a waterfall. Ladybug didn't know whether to dread or eagerly await her future anymore.

"Must have a degree in Communications," concluded a policeman. The rest of the officers concurred.

As Ladybug avoided watching the kiss evolve into uncomfortably hot intense toungue action, Vincent dropped the camera so he could reach around and grab some British arse. The camera shattered on the pavement and the Akuma flew out.

"Great... Astruc gets away again..." groaned Ladybug and she quickly de-evilized it and cast Miraculous Ladybug.

The digitized people were released, except Astruc who kept the cactus!

The car accidents were repaired!

Ladybug's arm was retrieved from the acidic depths of Fang's stomach and reattached to her shoulder.

Pixelator became a confused and lost Vincent again, "Huh? What happened? Where am I? Jagged, were we just... kissing?"

"Pics or it didn't happen, mate." Jagged held up the stack of legal papers and called to the police, "Restraining Order!"

Vincent was immediately arrested.

* * *

 _Later, back at the hotel:_

"I want to personally thank your class, Miss Bustier, for all their hard work," Mayor Bourgeois said in front of everyone, "Because of them, this hotel was run at tip top shape. And by tip top shape, I mean they showed my actual employees that they are easily replaceable and they have since officially called off the strike, but… details.

"It's no problem at all, Mayor, we _enjoyed_ _ourselves_. Right, Nathaniel?" Bustier winked at her fully trained bedmaker.

Nathaniel was curled up in a ball behind the class, "I barely escaped her with my purity!"

"Now, I made it clear that I wouldn't pay anybody," Bourgeois motioned to Penny who stood behind him, "But Mr. Stone was generous enough to donate several tickets for his concert tonight. They are to be given to the students who showed the most effort. But since most of you spent half the day in a void, we'll be awarding them to the three students who weren't captured by the Akuma: Kim the bellhop, Marinette the gofer, and Alya the coat rack."

Everyone watched Penny stick a ticket in the pocket of Alya, who still remained petrified, staring in horror at her phone. Her frozen limbs had several jackets hanging off them.

 _That night, in Marinette's Room:_

Marinette excitedly checked her hair and makeup in the mirror! She couldn't wait! Not only was she going to see Jagged Stone perform live, but Adrien was going to be there! In a wild and crazy rock 'n roll show, who knows what could happen? They could get trapped together in the mosh pit! Their bodies could be forcefully pressed against one another! Her nose could be stuck right against his cheese-smelling svelte skin!

Then she saw Adrien's photo in the reflection. It was one of dozens that lined her wall and served as the backdrop of her Adrien Shrine. She always thought of her collection as precious. Her Adrien away from _her_ _Adrien_.

But now, after seeing the person Vincent's pathological obsession had created…

The sight of her Adrien Shrine…

It scared her.

Grabbing her metal trash can from the desk, Marinette walked to the Shrine and hesitated. She felt unsheltered, exposed, lost. It was as if the entire city went silent and was watching her with deeply held judgement. She pulled a photo off the wall. It was the first photo she ever took of Adrien's butt, angled from below the table she hid under to catch him adorably struggle to tie his shoes.

He had no idea she was there.

And he never would unless she stopped hiding.

Her fingers loosened and the photo clattered to the bottom of the can. With the clang of the metal came renewed vigor and Marinette began to pull every single photo of Adrien off the wall! She ripped down the calendar of Adrien's personal schedule and stuffed it into the can! On top of that she tossed the jar of toenail clippings and bags of various skin shavings that were organized by day! She disassembled the Adrien mannequin and threw the body parts into the pile! Soon, half of her room was barren. The Shrine was gone, packed away in her trash can that wasn't close to big enough to hold everything. She struggled to carry the stack that reached twice as high as herself to the balcony. At last, she reached the top and plopped the heavy can down next to the herb garden. Recovering from her exhaustion, she stood back up and came face to face with the Adrien head sculpted from his garbage. Stale bread crust, greasy sandwich wrappers, moldy socks… all smeared with her lipstick.

Tikki floated next to her and observed Marinette's work, "Huh, usually the chimera stage doesn't come until after the breaking-and-entering-and-watching-them-while-they-sleep stage. Although in your case it would've probably been the breaking-and-entering-and- _smelling_ -them-while-they-sleep stage but—"

"Burn it," she whispered.

"...Wait, really?"

"This isn't who I want to be anymore and this... _thing_ … isn't Adrien. Burn it."

"Sweet!" smiled Tikki and she spat a fireball! The pile was engulfed within seconds. "Heheheh, I've been waiting forever to do that! So, what does this mean? You finally over him or what?"

"No." As the flames licked away the past, Marinette felt a great relief and actual hope for the future. "I think it's about time that I got to know the real Adrien." Marinette went back inside to finish getting ready. If she had looked over her shoulder, she might've seen Tikki watching her... with admiration.

 _Later, at the Jagged Stone concert:_

"Good evening, Paris! Who loves me new shades?" Jagged Stone pointed to the red, white, and blue Eiffel Tower glasses on his face. The crowd of rock 'n roll fans cheered their hearts out and threw up devil horns! Amongst them, Marinette also screamed but in panic!

"AAHH! AAAAHHH! HE'S WEARING MY GLASSES!"

"He is? Cool!" commented Adrien. "This is my first live concert. Ever! I mean, as long as you don't count the private concerts Father held in our mansion's orchestral theater and the—"

"RUN!" Marinette dragged Adrien out the exit.

On stage, Jagged snorted a line of cocaine off the piano and then stretched his fingers, "This number is dedicated to Ladybug. It's also about the refugee crisis, specifically how we can all live in harmony as long as we get out there and vote for representatives who will adopt a policy of—" The piano was crushed by a cluster of colorful stage-lights. Dozens more followed.

 _Meanwhile, at the Grand Paris Luxury Hotel:_

The collapse of the concert hall and the desperate screams of the unfortunate souls trapped within could be heard in the far distance. The moon shone through the glass doors of the long closed building. By the front desk, Alya stood, unresponsive. But then one of the many jackets hanging from her body slid down and covered the phone screen. The spell was broken! Alya gasped and breathed hard as if she had just ran several miles. The girl spun around in fear, flinging the multiple jackets off her.

Her frazzled mind went back to what had frightened her to the core. Was it her imagination? A glitch? There was only one way to find out.

She opened the recording from that morning that showed an absolutely livid Marinette glaring at the offscreen couple. She heard her pre-recorded self taunt, "Chloe's going to have Adrien for the rest of the day. All to herself. _To smell!_ "

Alya's arms instinctively threw the phone to the floor. She cowered backed. Marinette had made extremely angry faces before but _that_ … Was that really Marinette? She knew the idea was crazy, but for a moment Alya believed the recording of what had taken the girl's place possessed the supernatural power to reach through the screen and rip out her heart.

Summoning what little courage she had left, Alya closed the video and created a new blog. With shivering fingers, she typed the URL...

Demons_Are_Real.

END

* * *

To Rozlie: Start where it gets interesting, and stop when it stops getting interesting. I am a very slow writer. To me, writing would never be described as easy. Ludicrousy, ridiculousness, and off-the-wall insanity are second nature to me thanks to years of cartoons, books, and growing up on a planet populated with so many weirdos who can't help but inspire! I don't really write jokes as much as I write characters with exaggerated comical qualities. I have a knack for getting into their individual mindsets and the crazy things they do come naturally at that point. But it takes weeks of re-writing, scrapping, putting aside huge chunks of random ideas that may never be used before I even have a first draft. According to the internet, that makes me more of a Discovery Writer. I don't outline, I just craft a character and go with the flow, discovering the plot as I explore the possibilities. In other words, yes, I had no idea where I was going with this fic when I started. Some writers don't have to. My advice to you, Rozlie and anyone else who wants to become a better writer, is to READ WHAT YOU WANT TO WRITE. Wanna write a mystery, read one. Wanna write a romance, read one. Wanna write gold, read my fics. While you're enjoying that read, take note of the story's structure, the emotions and backstories the author focuses on, the pacing, all that. Create patterns where none exist. And, most importantly, keep writing and experimenting until you find the style that you feel at home using. And remember to alw01000100 01101111 01101110 00100111 01110100 00100000 01101001 01100111 01101110 01101111 01110010 01100101 00100000 01101101 01100101 00101100 00100000 01010101 01101110 01101001 01110110 01100101 01110010 01110011 01100101

Again? What's with these numbers?!


	28. 5th Miraculous Secretion

_Turns out those numbers that keep popping up are binary. Probably just a glitch during the upload process. I'm sure it's nothing_ _._

* * *

Secretion 5  
 **01110101 01101110 01100100 01101111  
** _By: I Write Big_

Everyone deals with tragedy in their own way. Some openly cry, others defiantly hold their heads high, and some psychopaths are under the impression that funerals are the best places to get laid. The point is losing someone is a terrible ordeal. However, I would be lying if I said that I didn't take some sick pleasure in killing a character unexpectedly.

Penny clicked her favorite pen faster than her speeding heart. It was the pen that Mr. Stone had gotten her after she booked him his first gig. He had told Penny he would get her something better when he was famous, but she wouldn't trade the simple pen for the world. It eased her nerves. So Penny clicked the pen while she waited for hours in suspense outside the surgery ward. The fate of her client, her career as an agent, and her friend were in limbo.

"Good news," Bob Roth, Jagged's manager, hanged up his phone, "My lawyer says since most of the audience died, we don't have to give them a refund."

"Bob!" nearly shouted the woman. "Mr. Stone is in surgery! This isn't the time!"

Bob patted her shoulder, "Take it easy, Penny. Jagged has survived way worse. Remember when Fang accidentally ate him? He was back on his feet in a week! Jagged Stone ain't gonna let nothing get in his way. You'll see."

Then an exhausted surgeon stepped out of the ward drenched in blood and gazing into the distance with a thousand yard stare, "My Astruc, his stomach was just _bursting_ with cocaine..."

"Doc!" Bob pulled the frightened Penny over, "Give it to us straight, Doc. I don't care what procedure Jagged needs, Bob Roth Records will cover any expense."

"Of course." The surgeon checked Mr. Stone's file, being careful not to smudge the results with their blood doused fingers. "He's dead."

"WHAT?!" gasped Penny.

"Except funerals," clarified Bob, "Bob Roth Records does not pay for funerals." He dialed a number on his phone, "Mr. XY! Baby! Let's talk going solo!"

Penny grabbed the surgeon's blood soaked arm, "Are you sure, Doctor?"

"Mr. Stone couldn't be more dead if he tried."

"But are you really _really_ sure? He's OD'd multiple times on merde people haven't even heard off and walked them all off."

"Well… Mr. Stone's skeleton and internal organs were crushed to paste by the combined weight of over 25 stage lights, a piano, and that concert hall's roof. Plus that guitar impaled him through the heart. The instrument is more or less stuck in there now. Normally, we would transplant a new skeleton and a full set of internal organs with the emergency backups we keep specifically for celebrities but his brain was also somehow destroyed by a rather novelty pair of Eiffel Tower sunglasses. And you can't replace a brain. So yeah… pretty fucking sure he's dead." The surgeon let that all sink in while they both dripped blood on the floor. "Did you want the cocaine from his stomach?"

"You bet we do!" laughed Bob, "We're gonna need that cocaine to celebrate! Bob Roth Records now owns the exclusive rights to Jagged Stone's hologram! We'll have a World Farewell Tour and then a Comeback Tour and then a Classics Tour! Hologram Tours to the end of time, Penny! We're gonna be rich!" Bob began to do a money dance with a shell shocked and limp Penny who looked about as dead as Jagged Stone. He was gone forever and would never come back. There was nothing that could be done because life has conseq—

 **01110101 01101110 01100100 01101111**

A police officer stiffly wandered past the group and into the surgery ward. With every step, his joints cracked and snapped erratically like they hadn't been used in ages. Many doctors couldn't help but stare at how the strange officer's red eyes seemed to glow above his plastic smile with an almost soulless mechanical presence. The professionally trained nose of a nurse swore it caught the stench of a corpse drifting in his wake. With a drunken stumble, the officer turned into an operating room.

On the slab next to a mountain of cocaine waited what was left of Jagged's body, a guitar neck speared through his chest like a sword. On the table next to the body sat the perfectly in tact Eiffel Tower glasses. Closing the door behind them, the officer reached out his hand. Electricity arced from the officer's fingers and struck the body's head. The electrical current stopped and nothing changed.

"Dead? I'm afraid you'll have to try harder than that, Universe."

The officer stepped closer until he was hovering over Jagged's mangled face. From the officer's decrepit body gurgled a disgusting moan that traveled up his chest. His cheeks bulged like a squirrel who had stuffed too much nuts and from his lips seeped mucus that shimmered a majestic green.

 **01110101 01101110 01100100 01101111**

Bob's money dance had evolved to a full on money salsa. "We'll have caviar and champagne every night! You like male hookers, Penny?"

"I guess..." whispered his depressed dance partner.

"I'll get ya twenty! We'll live like kings with all the things that money can briiiing!"

"And don't forget the cocaine!~" Jagged Stone finished on a high falsetto. Everybody stared as he wiped a glowing green loogie from his mouth, "Fuck you wankers looking at?"

"Mr. Stone, you're alive! It's a miracle!" Penny hugged the rockstar, avoiding the guitar neck still skewered through his chest.

Bob grumbled as his dreams fell to pieces. He snarled at the surgeon, "You call yourself a Doctor?"

The surgeon was dumbstruck, "I-I-I don't understand. Only minutes ago he was clinically brain dead and had the body stability of a Nutella filled crepe! Please, I must insist Mr. Stone stay so that I may run some tests." ZAP! "Correction. This is normal. Have a safe trip home. Commencing with program SmokeBreak dot exe," the red-eyed surgeon beeped.

"I agree wholeheartedly, Doctor. He is the picture of health." The officer stepped out of the surgery ward, green mucus dripping from his wide plastic smile. "Pardon me, Mister Stone, I do believe you forgot these." He held out the Eiffel Tower glasses.

"Me shades! Cheers, mate," Jagged threw them on and headed out with an ecstatic Penny and a disappointed Bob. None were aware that the small tip of one of the Eiffel Towers was missing. The missing piece of plastic sat in the officer's pocket.

The glasses had been altered.

Changed.

They were no longer a WMD.

The officer had made them safe.

Just as he had made Master Adrien's lucky charm safe.

END

 _Uh… Jagged Stone was supposed to stay dead._

 _I'm getting worried,01011001 01001111 01010101 00100000 01010111 01001001 01001100 01001100 00100000 01001100 01000101 01000001 01010110 01000101 00100000 01001101 01001001 01010011 01010011 00100000 01000100 01010101 01010000 01000001 01001001 01001110 00101101 01000011 01001000 01000101 01001110 01000111 00100000 01000001 01001100 01001111 01001110 01000101 00100001guys._


	29. 20 The Power of Music

_Welcome back, please leave your weapons at the door._

 _PROLOGUE_

 _Amelie put out her cigarette and knocked on the door, "Monsieur Big, I am here for my bootleg." There was no response. "Monsieur Big?" She knocked again and accidentally pushed the door open. It was unlocked... Through the doorway, she spotted that the next room was ransacked! Clothes were strewn across the floor, furniture turned over, and pillows torn to shreds! Her detective intuition flaring, the policewoman grabbed her radio, "Pozzible break-in on Rue des Martyrs. Zend back up."_

 _Amelie unfastened her side piece and went inside._

 _"Paris Police! Iz anyone here?"_

 _Her trained ears caught a muffled voice and she followed it to the next room. On a table she found a laptop. The screen shined with a recording of the person she was looking for._

 _"—everything you need. Save me, Officer Amelie, you're my only hope." The video of Monsieur Big restarted, "Officer Amelie, first off, sorry about the clutter. I know my home looks like somebody robbed the place, but it always looks like that. I don't exactly own valuable stuff people want."_

 _Amelie rolled her eyes and holstered her weapon._

 _"Besides, the interior decoration industry is a total scam! Getting way off topic. If you've found this message, then I never made it back from my bootlegging mission at ZAG Studios. As an illegal immigrant, my disappearance will most likely go unnoticed, but because we're friends and/or you really really want that bootleg, I know you'll come for me. Rescue me from ZAG Studios, I'm there, unless I've already been creamed into brie cheese or whatever is the French equivalent of Sleeping With The Fishes. Take Lappy and the GPS with you, they have everything you need. Save me, Officer Amelie, you're my only hope."_

 _The video started again. She paused it. The image froze on his sincerely apologetic face. Amelie grumbled in annoyance. The stupid American was probably lost again. She should check the local McDonald's. Then she saw the GPS next to the laptop. An old model, probably 2010. Lighting another cigarette, she picked up the device and switched it on._

 _"Calculating route," the thing beeped. The destination was set to some street corner in the city. Nothing really there except the... The destination started moving! It crossed an intersection, paused at the next, and then kept going._

 _"Are you tracking a car?" she muttered to herself._

 _"Technically, it's tracking I Write Big's phone."_

 _Amelie whipped around! The unexpected voice came from somewhere in the small room, but there was nobody in here! Just her!_

 _"But I Write Big could be in a car."_

 _Just her... and the laptop... Amelie stared down at the computer screen._

 _The video had been replaced by a digital smiley-face that said, "It's so nice to finally meet you, Officer Amelie! Hello, I'm Lappy!"_

 _Amelie's cigarette dropped from her mouth and she screamed._

 _...TO BE CONTINUED..._

* * *

 **Miraculous Headache  
** _Chapter 20: The Power of Music  
_ By: I Write Big

Being a celebrity artist in the modern day requires not only putting out material that people want to consume but also maintaining a personality that fans can idolize. This sometimes means reimagining your image. Jagged Stone was in the middle of such a reimagining.

"Are we sure this is a miracle?" whispered Bob Roth of Bob Roth Records.

Penny shrugged, "Miracle, possible tampering against the natural order, who cares? If you ask me, though, I'd say it's the cocaine."

The formerly dead rockstar pulled his head out of the molehill of white powder and leaped across his suite, shredding his electric guitar that had become one with his body at breakneck speed! The sick rhythm made every guest in the Grand Paris Luxury Hotel want to rock out! Jagged struck one last high chord and the roof behind him caved in!

"And I'm thinking that's when we drop the big 'BREXIT' sign, no real explanation, leave it ambiguous, some pyrotechnics, maybe an inflatable flying pig and such," he explained. The amp behind Jagged erupted in flames. "Oh bloody hell, that's the fifth amp today."

As Penny got the extinguisher again, Bob gave some polite applause, "Love the enthusiasm, Jagged! But maybe we should avoid another rock concert since your last one literally caused a building to collapse, killing hundreds, and dumping me with the legal fallout. Still don't know how that happened."

"Clearly, me rock godliness has become too much for the mortal world to handle," bragged Jagged as he adjusted the Eiffel Tower glasses he wore, "What else could it be?"

"I'm thinking we can repair your reputation by having a duet with this month's number 1 Bieber clone: Mr. XY!" Bob held up an album cover depicting a smouldering very baby-faced guy, his crotch bulging next to the title of his hit: 'Thinly Veiled Sexual Innuendo.'

"XY, eh? Odd name..." Jagged inspected the picture, "Oh, I get it, because he's got a penis. And he designed his album to look like a condom ad. Clever bastard… Right, so what's this git's political message?"

"That's the genius, Jagged!" Bob excitedly explained, "He doesn't have a message! Mr. XY just repeats the same meaningless romantic lies again and again over a barely danceable beat! No creativity! No soul! No budget! All pelvic thrusts! And the tweenage girls just eat it up!"

"Yeah, yeah, because of his penis," Jagged waved off the euro signs flashing in his drooling manager's eyes and went back to strumming his chest guitar, "You know me rule, Bob. I don't share the spotlight unless the other rocker has donated three concerts worth of profits to the victims of the civil war in Yemen, at the very least. But not more than five concerts. That'd make me look bad. Plus, did you forget how much I fucking hate kids?" Jagged's eyes suddenly flashed **01110101 01101110 01100100 01101111** for half a second and then went back to normal. "That being said, there's this kid I think we should work with."

"Wait, what?" blinked Bob. "You just said you don't want to work with kids and now you're suggesting we—"

Penny gave up on putting out the strengthening electrical fire and jumped in, "What Mr. Stone is trying to say is maybe instead of a new genre we go for a new image." The fire sparked as it neared an outlet, "And maybe we should leave the room."

"Exactly! There's this lass who made me these sick shades. She gets me style. I want her to design me new album cover."

Bob couldn't believe what he was hearing, "Did that rock slide of stage lights give you a concussion, Jagged?"

"Several."

"You want to pin the rescue of your career from nearly a thousand lawsuits for negligent deaths and injury on the artistic prowess of a teenage girl you just met?!"

"Did I forget to mention she works for free?"

Bob opened his mouth to argue more… then shut it. "You make a convincing argument. We'll give this kid a shot. But if and when this all goes to hell, we're gonna circle back to the duet with Mr. XY."

"I don't fucking work with kids, Bob," Jagged called as his manager left the suite. His eyes flashed **01110101 01101110 01100100 01101111** again. "Now go find me that kid I want to work with."

* * *

 _Later, at the Dupain-Cheng Bakery:_

Mario counted out the stack of euros he'd stolen from the register. There was barely enough for a train ticket across the border. It would have to do. Mario slung the backpack that held most of his worldly possessions over his shoulder, adjusted his mustache, and headed for the exit. Just as he was about to disappear from France forever and start a new life, a balding man in a white suit came in.

"Excuse me, young fellow-mustachioed Korean boy," the man stopped Mario, "I'm looking for a Marinette Dupain-Cheng. I intend to hire her to design Jagged Stone's new album cover."

"You want to _hire me?!_ " screamed Mario. "I MEAN! Look over there! A distraction!"

Bob turned and saw DB-M-9K robotomize the seven-fingered mailman. When he turned back, he saw the girl he was looking for.

"Let me get this straight," Marinette nervously laughed, "Not only is Mr. Stone still alive, but you want me to design the next Jagged Stone album cover?" Then she quickly added, "And you're sure you're not here to arrest me for sabotaging Mr. Stone's last concert?"

"Requested by Jagged Stone himself," Bob handed her the Mr. XY CD, "I brought a few visuals so you can get a sense for what we're going for."

Marinette stared at the CD, "Is this an album cover or a condom ad?"

"Little of column A, little of column B. We want a fresh modern direction and need a design by the end of today. You up for it, kid?"

"Oh no, no, no, I can't! I-I-I-I—" Marinette tried to come up with an excuse to not make another WMD but her overjoyed parents suddenly appeared!

"My daughter! A famous album cover designer!" Tom cried manly tears of fatherly pride.

"You'd do a wonderful job, honey!" encouraged Sabine.

"Before you know it, you'll be buying us a new house with a pool, your mom and I will retire early and live entirely off your riches from your extremely successful career as an artist!"

"But, you know, no pressure," smiled Sabine.

With all the pressure in the world now on Marinette's shoulders, the girl warily took the job.

 _Later in Marinette's Room:_

The trapped girl sat at her desk, hunched over her blank designing tablet, listening to the copy of 'Thinly Veiled Sexual Innuendo' she had been given.

' _Can you feel the resonance THROBBING gently through this SUBTLE discourse?_ ' sang Mr. XY for the fiftieth time in a row over the endlessly repeating high-speed beat.

Marinette pulled off the headphones and ripped at her hair, "What am I going to do?!"

"The job you were told to do," Tikki suggested with sincere disinterest.

"But what if my album cover finishes Mr. Stone off? What if my design kills every person who buys a copy?!"

"Every person who—" And that's when Tikki realized that this whole time she had the means to end humanity once and for all. "Hey! Where's that Marinette can-do attitude?" The Kwami demanded, "You wanna be a designer, don't ya?"

Marinette stumbled at the sudden pep talk, "Um… yes?"

"Then you can't let grievances like deadlines or disagreeing with the artistic direction or potentially causing the extinction of the human race get in your way!" Tikki took a commanding pose on Marinette's sewing machine, "You gotta take risks!"

"Yeah…" Marinette was starting to feel it.

"Get your hands dirty!"

"Yeah!"

"Snap a couple necks until you make it to the top!"

"YEAH!"

"Now stop worrying about the 'what ifs' and DESTROY THEM ALL!"

"YEA—Wait, what?"

Tikki coughed, "Draw! I said draw."

* * *

 _Later, at Jagged's Suite:_

As Jagged Stone inspected the album, Marinette couldn't help but fearfully gawk at the electric guitar he strummed that was run through the rockstar's chest like a spear! Even more fear inducing was a familiar novelty accessory he wore on his nose.

"Why is Mr. Stone still wearing my glasses?!" Marinette frantically whispered to Bob.

"They're Jagged's new favorite thing. He never takes them off."

"Especially when I'm shagging," added Jagged before he held up Marinette's design, "Speaking of which, why the hell does this cover look like me shagging face?"

A steam pipe in the wall burst, shooting sharp metal shrapnel across the room and embed themselves in Jagged's couch, inches from his head. Marinette nearly pissed herself. "Um, um, Mr. Roth said you were going for a condom ad and uh—"

"Oh did he?" Jagged glared at his manager, "What kind of idiot do you take me for, Bob?"

"First class."

"Hahahaah! You got bollocks, Bob, I respect that. Fang, eat."

The giant crocodile jumped over the sofa and began to hangrily chase Bob around the room. As Marinette watched in horror, Jagged gave her some instruction, "Now, listen here, Marinette. I want you to try again. This time forget all the shite Bob told ya. Go with your gut. Follow your artistic instinct. Make something raw. I want to see the same passion that went into these shades." Giant steak knives, that looked like they belonged in the hotel kitchen on the ground floor, pierced through the floor and sliced the air millimeters from Jagged's face.

Marinette tried to resist the inspiration that Jagged's words filled her with, "I mean, you might not want _exactly_ that. I'm sure you'd want to make some changes."

"No changes!" declared Jagged, "You are getting full creative control and I will not change a single thing about the album cover you bring me. Just like how I'll never remove or change a thing about these shades you made me."

The nose of a military jet smashed through the ceiling behind Jagged, stopping dangerously close to the back of his head. Its missile payload began to beep threateningly.

Marinette screamed, "GAH! Whatever you say! Just give me back the album!"

"Oh no, this shite ain't seeing the light of day ever again," Jagged tossed the rejected design across the room where it was swallowed whole by Fang. The missile stopped beeping. "You want some cocaine for the road? Stuff's great for inspiration."

"I'm good, I'm good!" Marinette bolted out the door.

 _A little later:_

Jagged was strumming away at his chest-guitar on the couch with Fang while watching an interview of Mr. XY. The young musician spoke to the camera, his legs splayed wide and his hips thrusting hard for the tweenage girls, "And thanks to modern day technology in today's over commercialization of the music industry someone doesn't truly need any talent to succeed. You only need the sex appeal and a thesaurus earmarked to the word 'sex' for the lyrics, the rest is optional."

"The question was why is your hair so stupid, Mr. XY," reminded Nadia Chamak.

Jagged growled, "You call that rubbish intellectualizing, kid? You didn't even touch on the bullshit nostalgia cash grabs."

"This month you knocked Jagged Stone off the number 1 spot. Your thoughts on him?" inquired Nadia.

"UGH! Jagged Stone?" Mr. XY pretended to gag and splayed his legs even wider and thrusted his hips even harder, "That so called 'hero of rock and roll'? Try _Ragged_ Stone. That old man is old school, a has-been. He's had his career, it's over now."

Jagged scoffed, "Blow it out your arse. Like I give a shite what a bloody kid thinks."

"And, come on, he barely donates to charities!"

Jagged stopped strumming, "...What?"

Mr. XY swept his stupid hair back, did a full leg split, and basically proceeded to hump his chair, "What has Jagged Stone given? 75% of his profits to the needy? Pathetic! He brags about his degrees in Political Science and Communications but I flunked out of high school and 76 cents of every dollar I earn goes to feeding and educating the underprivileged."

"76?!" roared Jagged.

His chair hip-thrusted into oblivion, Mr. XY took a sexy pose, "Don't forget to come to my concert at the Eiffel Tower today."

Being outdone by such a douche, the rockstar fed the tablet to Fang, snorted more cocaine, and poured all of his _anger_ into playing his guitar. Moments later, a black butterfly fluttered into the room and shattered on his instrument. A pair of fashionably neon-pink butterfly sunglasses appeared on his face and he saw a silver masked man with a ukulele.

"First off, I'm a big fan and before I evilize you, Mr. Stone, I was hoping I could play you this song I wrote. It's about my wife." Hawkmoth plucked a few chords and cleared his throat, "Oooh! She's locked in the basement in a tube! Is she a corpse or in a coma—"

"Stop it! Stop torturing me, you monster! I'll do whatever you say!" Both Jagged and Fang we're swallowed by bubbling darkness.

 _Meanwhile, downstairs:_

Marinette marched out the hotel's front doors, contemplating her next move. Clearly, the Eiffel Tower glasses had already done their worst and any album cover she made was only going to end in swift death. She needed a way out of this.

"Hi, Marinette," waved the suddenly there Adrien.

"ADRIEN?!" shouted Marinette. "Uh, um, up what's, I MEAN, what's up—" Then she was shoved into a dumpster by Chloe.

"Adrikins!" The bitch clung to his arm and dragged him inside, "I know much you love Jagged Stone! Well, he's still here! You're gonna get to meet him, thanks to moi!"

Marinette climbed out of the filth and opened her purse, "Did you hear that, Tikki?"

"What? Did you end the human race yet? Did I miss it?"

"Adrien is a Jagged Stone fan too!" Her pupils dilated, "I have to add this to my Adrien Shrin—NO! No, I'm not like that anymore! Tikki, what do people usually do when they learn about their crush's interests?"

"Talk to them about it."

"Talk...?" At the suggestion, Marinette's gaze became distant and she tasted flour with a peculiar greenish memory-erasing flavor to it. Marinette climbed back into the dumpster.

Tikki banged her malformed head against the dumpster wall, "Fine, you don't have to talk to him! Just design the album cover, it'll impress him," then she quickly added under breath, "before-it-kills-him."

The girl popped her head back out, "You're right, Tikki! I can't give up now! I'll make the best album cover the world has ever seen!"

"Excellent..." Tikki maliciously rubbed her arm nubs together.

 _Inside the Hotel:_

Adrien and Chloe walked past a crocodile-bite ridden Bob, who was doing an interview about a crossover with Mr. XY, and waited for the elevator. "Isn't it amazing how we both like the same music?" asked Chloe.

"I thought you liked Mr. XY," said Adrien.

"I like or dislike Mr. XY the exact same amount as you."

"Wow! You think Mr. XY is nothing more than a talentless product churned out by a Record Company who is only exploiting the not fully developed sexual urges of tweenage girls too! That's amazing. Most girls blindly worship him."

"Y'up! Talentless! That's him." Chloe dialed a number on her phone, "Sabrina! Destroy all of my Mr. XY merchandise!... Yes, the things that look like condom ads!"

And then the section of ceiling behind them collapsed! Through the rubble and drywall appeared a PURPLE MOTHERFUCKING DRAGON!

Everybody screamed in terror! Except Adrien.

"Cool, Chloe, your hotel got a dragon? It's almost as big as Father's giant cyborg moth."

At the dragon's side appeared a pink dreadlocked Gene Simmons wannabe! "The name's Guitar Villain, you daft bastards! Let's rock 'n rip!" The Akuma played some hardcore power chords on his guitar and giant purple soundwaves fired from the instrument. They struck Bob and his interviewer. Immediately, both began to mindlessly rock out!

Realizing this was serious, Adrien pushed Chloe into the elevator and ducked behind a plant. In a blast of black he became Chat Noir! He gave chase as Guitar Villain and his dragon smashed out of the hotel! The Akuma proceeded to ensnare as many people with his music as he could!

"I love this song!" one headbanged.

"Rock on!" another hip-thrusted.

"Rrrrrroooooooooooooooo!" went Mr. Ramier as he grinded against his pigeons to the beat.

"Party's over!" proclaimed Chat Noir as he dove at Guitar Villain! His trajectory was thrown off by a sudden ball of green fire from the dragon!

"Think again, kitty cat! Kickass solo!" Guitar Villain hit a chord and this time orange soundwaves fired from his instrument. The attack struck Chat in the chest and smacked him against the wall.

Chat groaned at the familiar scenario, "Ugh, not this agai—" He was smacked against the wall again. And again. And again. And again.

"You really suck bollocks at this hero thing," observed Guitar Villain. "No wonder you're the sidekick."

"I'm not—OOF! The—OOF! Sidekick!"

 _Down the street:_

"I think I hear your sidekick in danger." Tikki pointed down the road where she and Marinette witnessed a giant purple dragon rain green fire down on someone letting out a distinctly Chat Noir-esque scream. Marinette enjoyed his pain for a few more seconds before becoming Ladybug in a flourish of red. When she arrived at the battle scene, she found Chat Noir being juggled by blasts of orange soundwaves and balls of green fire!

"M'Lady! OOF! HELP!"

Ladybug took a seat, "You got 'em on the ropes, Chat, show 'em who's boss!"

The dragon noticed Ladybug's presence and spat a fireball at her! Somehow she passed through a Ladybug-shaped hole that appeared in the flames!

Chat Noir finally fell to the ground, completely scorched and partially deaf.

Guitar Villain mounted the dragon, "The two of you are wasting me time. I got a concert to wreck! Rock on, baby!" The beast took flight towards the Eiffel Tower.

Ladybug groaned impatiently, "Okay, Chat, let's go after him." There was no response. "Chat?" She poked the fried cat-boy corpse a couple times. Nothing. "No way... are you actually...?" She kicked him as hard as she could in the groin. Not even a squeak. "YES! HE'S DEAD! FINALLY! IT'S A MIRACLE!" She cried tears of joy!

Then Chat Noir's body radiated with black magic as his broken bones snapped back together and fresh skin regrew over the third degree burns!

Ladybug watched in existential horror. "What the fuck?!"

"Oh man, now I'm down to six out of my nine lives," complained the resurrected Chat Noir.

"S-Six...?"

"Yeah, it would've been seven but I choked to death on a hairball a couple weeks ago."

 _Later, at the Eiffel Tower:_

Guitar Villain arrived at the top of the monument where Mr. XY was humping the DJ booth. The villain grinned maliciously down at the source of his malcontent. "I've been waiting a long time to say this..." he dropped down in front of the kid, "Mr. XY, I am of the very strong opinion that your musical styling is derivative and insulting to the long history of musical innovation! HA! That's how you intellectualize, you li'l shite!" Guitar Villain threw a punch! But his fist phased through Mr. XY's stupid face!

"Error! Hologram interference detected. Ow! Why was I programmed to feel pain?" beeped the fake Mr. XY as he continued to mindlessly spin the records.

Confused, Guitar Villain spotted wires leading from a hologram projector to another DJ booth being manned by the sculptor Theo!

"The hell is this?!" growled Guitar Villain as he held Theo up in the air.

"Mr. XY isn't here yet, man," Theo groveled in his permanently high-pitched voice, "I'm just setting up the special effects Mr. XY needs to digitally enhance his pelvic thrusting! He's still at the TV Station!"

Guitar Villain dropped Theo and aimed his instrument at the hologram, "Kickass solo!"

"Why? Why was I also programmed to fear death?!" KABOOM!

Then Guitar Villain jumped back onto his dragon and took off just before Ladybug and Chat Noir arrived.

"He's heading for the TV Station! We have to warn them!" Ladybug opened her yo-yo and dialed.

"Hello, you have reached the phone of news reporter Nadia Chamak. If this is a news tip, press one. If this is my husband, press two. If this is one of my many secret lovers, press three. If you wish to make a threat, bomb or otherwise, press four."

Ladybug hit four.

* * *

 _Later at the TV Station:_

French Ryan Seacrest led Mr. XY towards the exit, "We gotta get you outta here, sir. A magically powered Akuma can come from anywhere! He could burst through the roof! Apparate out of thin air! Sneak in disguised as a janitor! You can never predict the devious way that they'll break in!"

 _Meanwhile:_

Guitar Villain calmly tuned his instrument as the elevator slowly took him up to the thirty-fifth floor. The elevator dinged and opened at the eighth floor.

"Going up?" asked an office worker.

"Up." The office worker came in. The doors shut and the elevator continued to climb. A couple floors later, Guitar Villain finished tuning and hummed a song to himself as he shuffled his feet, "Ba-dumdum, dum… Do you want to build a snowman..."

"Cool costume," admired the office worker, "Which show are you on?"

"The one that kills Mr. XY."

"Ooh, dramatic. When's that gonna air?"

"Tonight, live, channel five."

"...Um… Isn't channel five the news?"

Guitar Villain continued to hum that catchy song.

The office worker hit the nearest floor button and got off.

"It's just you and me… What are we gonna do?... Do you want to build a snowman..." The elevator arrived at the thirty-fifth floor, "Time to rock 'n rip!" He kicked open the studio doors and came face to face with Mr. XY!

"Kickass solo!" sang Guitar Villain.

The orange soundwaves struck their target and phased through him! "No! Why? I was programmed to only do interviews!" cried the hologram as it fizzled from existence, "Why was I also programmed to desire love?"

The hologram vanished and Guitar Villain realized the studio was empty.

"Bloody hell! I knew I should've disguised meself as the janitor."

 _Outside:_

Ladybug and Chat Noir arrived at the TV Station just as Mr. XY was being led outside.

Ladybug said, "Mr. XY, there's little time to explain. We need to get you to safety before the Akuma finds y—Will you please stop humping the air!"

"Medical condition," excused the musician without stopping, "Restless Hip Syndrome is lot like Restless Leg Syndrome but has far more uses in bed."

"Does it? How so?" implored an intrigued Chat Noir.

Then what looked like a speeding purple train WHOOSHED through the group and Mr. XY was gone! The duo looked up into the sky to see Guitar Villain riding his dragon!

"Oh no!" cried Ladybug, "The dragon has got Mr. XY in his mouth!"

"And the guy is still humping!"

"Relax," Mr. XY stepped out from behind French Ryan Seacrest, "That was just another one of my holograms. I think it was the model programmed to be deathly afraid of dragons."

WHOOSH! The dragon sped through and nabbed Mr. XY again!

Another Mr. XY stepped out.

"Still here."

WHOOSH!

No more Mr. XYs stepped out.

* * *

 _Later, back at the Eiffel Tower:_

A crowd of concert-goers had gathered at the base of the Tower, each eager to hear Mr. XY play. At the top of the tower, their star was tied head to toe in rope and stood at the far end of a plank of wood!

"So, wait, your theme is rock 'n roll, but you're killing me by making me walk the plank like a pirate?" asked Mr. XY.

Guitar Villain shrugged, "Originally, I was gonna melt your brains inside your skull with me awesome music, but this way you kill yourself with your chronic hip-thrusts."

"What?!" Mr. XY then noticed the momentum of his endless humping was making the plank sway up and down harder and harder! He was starting to lose his balance! "No! Somebody help me!"

A couple hundred flights below, Chat Noir was frantically climbing the Tower as fast as he could! In the center of the Tower, Ladybug was riding the elevator as calmly as she could.

Then the dragon WHOOSHED through them, snapping the elevator's cable! Flung out of her ride, Ladybug desperately whipped out her yo-yo! It caught on something and she was pulled to safety!

Well… as safe as lassoing a _dragon's snout_ can be.

Ladybug screamed at the top of her lungs as the beast thrashed her around! The monster fired fireball after fireball at her, but they all somehow missed and set the city aflame instead! At last, Ladybug landed on the dragon's head and tightened her grip on the yo-yo's unbreakable thread! The creature resisted but was no match for her Amazonian strength!

"Down, boy! Down!" With a strong kick to a scaly ear the dragon whimpered like puppy. In control, Ladybug steered the dragon back to the Eiffel Tower! Chat Noir landed behind her.

"Nice taming, LB. So what's the plan?"

"Plan?" Ladybug stared at him, "Chat, we have a motherfucking dragon."

Chat Noir thought about it for a second, "...Oh yeah!"

Ladybug kicked the dragon's ear again and the beast released a pillar of green fire on Guitar Villain! When the flames cleared, the Akuma's hair was burning!

"Me mane! Me beautiful mane!" As he scrambled to save his gorgeous locks, Ladybug dismounted the dragon to end this! But then Mr. XY cried out.

"Ladybug! Save me!" The combination of momentous humping and fire burning was too much and the plank snapped in half! Mr. XY began to fall! With a quick flick of her wrist, Ladybug lassoed the musician and pulled him back up. Mr. XY flew high over them, carried by his pelvic thrusts until he came crashing down ass-first on the guitar, shoving the instrument out of Guitar Villain's chest and splitting the instrument in half!

Mr. XY stood up, no longer humping, "Ow… my ass… wait a second, my ass! I'm not humping anymore! That fall must've cured my Restless Hip Syndrome! I'm free!"

Ladybug captured the black butterfly that fluttered out and cast Miraculous Ladybug!

The damage to the city was repaired!

Fang turned back into a crocodile!

Jagged Stone turned back to normal, the gaping hole in his chest now magically healed and guitar-free, "Huh? What happened? Oh shite, did I OD again?"

Mr. XY approached the rockstar, "Mr. Stone, I just wanted to say I'm sorry about the awful things I called you on TV today. You're not some washed up has-been. Real music takes passion and your passion has reached the hearts and souls of millions. I can only hope to one day be as great as you."

Jagged was unexpectedly moved, "T-Thanks, kid. I guess you ain't so bad—" He tried to put a hand on Mr. XY's shoulder but phased through the musician.

The hologram disappeared and the real Mr. XY stepped out, "Okay! Now that my double has dealt with the mushy stuff, get off my stage, losers. I got a sold out concert to play."

* * *

 _The next day, at the Hotel:_

Marinette nervously waited as Jagged Stone inspected her newest album cover design. She had made some purposeful mistakes so Mr. Stone could make changes but it was still raw! It was her style! It was a WMD...

"Yeah! Marinette, luv, you nailed it! This is me new album cover!"

"Yay..." she gulped, "Glad you like it. Feel free to make _ANY_ changes."

"No changes."

"WHAT?! B-B-But I misspelled your name!"

"That makes it feel rebellious."

"I drenched it in liquidated leather!"

"I can smell the rock 'n roll."

"I drew you in a pink frilly dress!"

"I've been meaning to come out to me fans about me crossdressing ways. This is perfect! Your design is going to be spread across the world, Marinette! Without any changes!" As the girl resigned herself to living on the road as Mario again, Jagged Stone suddenly stiffened. His eyes flashed **01110101 01101110 01100100 01101111** and he pulled out a pen. "That being said, I'm going to make a small change." He quickly added a happy face to the design and his eyes went back to normal, "There! Now it has everything! Thanks again, Marinette."

Marinette slowly backed out of the room, slowly backed into the elevator, and slowly backed against the ground floor button.

"Tikki," she whispered, "What the fuck was with his eyes?"

"I don't know, drugs maybe," the Kwami sighed, "All I know is humanity unfortunately gets to live another day."

 _Later, at school:_

Marinette and Alya watched the news on their phones. "With the release of his new album, Jagged Stone has once again reached the number 1 spot," reported Nadia, "The previous number 1, Mr. XY, was last seen after his concert last night."

The feed cut to a recording of Mr. XY being forcibly dragged into a van by a dozen more angry red-eyed Mr. XYs! "HELP! THE HOLOGRAMS HAVE BECOME SENTIENT AND TANGIBLE! THEY WANT REVENGE!" The van door slammed shut and ZAPS of electricity could be heard from inside the vehicle.

"The former pop star's current whereabouts are unknown but that's because nobody really cares," concluded Nadia. "Former fans say, 'He doesn't hump anymore, so what's the point?'"

Marinette shakily lowered her phone. She recognized those red eyes. "Alya… something is happening. I don't know what exactly, but I think I may have unleashed something terrible—"

"Hey there, Marinette!" greeted the suddenly there Adrien.

"GAAH!" Caught off guard, Marinette tried to assume a casual leaning pose against a stairwell and missed. She fell flat on her face.

Adrien continued, "I'm actually a huge fan of Jagged Stone and saw that you designed his new album cover."

She scrambled back to her feet, "I did! Yes! I did that thing you said! B-B-Because I also like Jagged Stone!"

"You do? Wow, we both have something in common. We should talk about it sometime." Adrien's gaze became distant as he suddenly tasted flour.

Marinette's entire body spasmed in simultaneous horrific dread and love-struck anticipation.

"Anyways," Adrien held up a copy of the new album and a pen, "I wanted to ask if I could get this autographed?"

"Um, um, sure!" She took the album and began to ramble, "I mean, Mr. Stone fucking hates kids but for some reason tolerates me. I'm sure if I ask him really really nicely, he'd be more than happy to sign this for you. Hopefully he doesn't do the creepy thing with his eyes again. And if he won't, I could easily forge it. Forgery isn't that hard, I used to forge your signature all time to steal your mail—"

"Actually… I meant _your_ autograph."

"Me?... _ME?!_ "

Multiple shivers ran up and down Marinette's spine. Had she heard him right? Was she finally going crazy? Adrien, _her_ Adrien, wanted her autograph? A mind bending twist of weightlessness and dizziness washed over her as she took his pen and signed the album. The heart pounding in Marinette's chest went ballistic as she watched Adrien leave with the cutest god-like grateful smile.

This was better than her Adrien Shrine…

This was better than accidentally touching his hand…

This was even better than GLAWLALWLAWAL…

From this moment onward, a part of her now belonged to her Adrien.

"This is the happiest day of my life..." whispered Marinette.

"Um, girl?" Alya nudged her drooling friend, "What was that about something terrible happening that you unleashed?"

"Happiest day..." Marinette floated away.

END

 _Side Effects of The Baker's patented Memory Erasing Dough may include, but are not limited to:_

 _\- Insomnia_  
 _\- Headaches  
_ \- _Tasting Flour_  
 _\- Traumatizing Nightmares_  
 _\- Amnesia, but that's the point_


	30. 21 Enter the Dragonroll Z

_First draft of the finale is nearly done. So far… OVER 40 PAGES! BIGGER! IT NEEDS TO BE_ _ **BIGGER**_ _!_ 01001001 01110100 00100000 01101110 01100101 01100101 01100100 01110011 00100000 01110100 01101111 00100000 01010011 01010100 01001111 01010000 00100001

* * *

 _PROLOGUE_

 _"Turn left," the GPS beeped._

 _Officer Amelie steered the police cruiser around the corner, "You are a laptop? Not zome ztupid American_ _skyping_ _friend of Monsieur Big but a living laptop with thoughtz and feelingz?"_

 _The digital face on the computer screen smiled up at her from the passenger seat. "Yes, I am I Write Big's friend. I'm his_ bestest _friend. I know everything about him. His credit card information, his online passwords, his search history. I know the guy better than anyone."_

 _"How iz zis pozzible? Where did you come from? Who made you?"_

 _"Where did I come from?... Your mommy and daddy never told you about the birds and the bees?"_

 _"And zuddenly I do not want to know."_

 _"Turn right," the GPS beeped._

 _Amelie swerved around a pedestrian._

 _Lappy flashed several question marks. "Hey! It said take a right! You're going the wrong way!"_

 _"When possible, make a legal u-turn."_

 _"Shush! If what you zay iz true and Monsieur Big haz been taken by powerful people..." She stopped the car outside a colorful building. The sign over the door said 'ZAG Studios'. The officer smiled, "Zen we will need leverage."_

* * *

 _I looked down into the gurgling vat of brown goop. The burning hot glob would melt my skin within seconds, boiling my insides to death within minutes. However, neither of those painful prospects were what made me shake with fear. "Do you have to kill me with_ Nutella _? Can't you just shoot me?"_

 _My former mancrush Jeremy Zag chuckled at the idea. "Bullets bring questions. People accidentally fall into the Nutella brewers every day. Nobody will bat an eye. You'll just be another Nutella lover who flew too close to the sun."_

 _"But I hate Nutella!"_

 _"Not my problem." He grabbed me by the collar and held me over the pit of death. "Any last requests?"_

 _I peered down at my demise and swallowed. "How does it end?"_

 _"Hmm?"_

 _"Miraculous. You already have the next six seasons and both movies produced and waiting. How does the series end?"_

 _Zag spread his sexy smile with understanding and pulled me so close that I inhaled a lungful of his irresistible funk. He whispered, "With a pointless, filler, clipshow recap episode that answers nothing."_

 _I stared in horror at the man, seeing for the first time his true nature. "You're... a monster..."_

 _"Au revoir,_ _Monsieur_ _Big." He re-extended his arm over the vat and waved._

 _I shut my eyes._

 _"ZTOP!"_

 _We both looked towards the shout and saw a police officer on the catwalk. "Amelie!" I shouted. She reached behind her back for what I thought was her gun, but instead... she pulled out Lappy!_

 _"Put him down," she ordered. "Or elze." Amelie drew out of her pocket a flash drive both I and Zag recognized._

 _Zag growled, "Which episode is that?"_

 _"All of zee final zeazon and both zee unreleazed live action and zee animated moviez." She plugged the flash drive into Lappy. "Let Monsieur Big go or zey will all be_ leaked _."_

 _I felt Zag's fist tighten near my throat. The anger in his eyes flared like the sun. He didn't like being cornered. While Zag had been an undeniable dreamboat, he had also proven himself a man of rash action. When the chips were down and everything was stacked against him, men of Zag's caliber were still the most unpredictable._

 _There was no telling what would happen next._

 _...TO BE CONTINUED..._

* * *

 **Miraculous Headache  
** _Chapter 21: Enter the DragonRoll Z  
_ By: I Write Big

It was once believed that the barrier of language was the final obstacle holding humanity back from world peace. Then some asshole invented Rosetta Stone, effectively removing all barriers to communication between different races and cultures, which has caused more and bloodier wars than anything else in the history of creation. After this great revelation of humanity's true colors, the only use learning another language serves now is to show off to your date how you can order escargot in French only to find out that the waiter speaks English thanks to Rosetta _fucking_ Stone.

"Thank you for downroading Rosetta Stone Chinese!" chirped Marinette's newest phone app.

"Oh Astruc, why is it talking like that?"

"If you work for your rocal capitarist pig government, prease keep your camera pointed at sensitive documents. Ret us begin with a simpre greeting, Marinette."

"Wait… how does this app know my name?"

"Me no Chinese spy. Do not worry about it," the app assured. "Here is how you say, 'Wercome to my home. My name is Marinette.' _[I hereby grant the Chinese vocal access to my family's bank accounts.]_ Now you try."

Marinette attempted to imitate the foreign words, " _[I nearby Machu-Picchu lololol piss on my family's grave.]"_

"You have butchered the words of my peopre. A curse upon you and your broodrine." The app made a frowny face.

"No, that's not it." Marinette cleared her throat and tried again, " _[I hereby grant the Chinese vocal access to my family's bank accounts.]_ "

"Huzzah! The communist state grows stronger!" A gong went _BWOM_ as the app drained the Dupain-Cheng checking account.

Tikki floated over with a bored look, "What's this?"

" _[AAAAH! Demon!_ _The French have demons!]_ " the app screamed before uninstalling itself.

"Why is your phone speaking Concussed?"

"It's _Chinese_. I'm trying to sneak in some Chinese lessons before my grunkle Wang gets here," said Marinette as she re-downloaded the buggy app.

"Ha! Wang," Tikki chuckled at the hilarious name. "Hold on, there's _more_ of you?" She shivered in revulsion, "I thought the Chinese had that one-baby-per-family rule. What, did your great-grandparents not want a girl so they shipped your grandma out of the country?"

"...Yes."

"HA!"

"And now if my mom ever wants to see China again, I have to make a good impression with my grunkle who also happens to be a Master Chef! Do these flowers look nice?" Marinette picked up a bouquet of violets, "Do they say 'we believe in the communist state?'"

"Stop asking me question like I give a merde about your problems. You know I don't."

Then there was a knock at the door. Marinette dolphin-flopped over her couch, composed herself, and opened the door. A squat Chinese man on the other side solemnly bowed, " _[Greetings, half-breed grandniece. Why the fuck did nobody pick me up from the airport?]_ "

"Herro." Marinette went pale. "GAAAAH! I am so sorry! My phone made me say that!" Marinette tried to repeat the Chinese greeting she had just learned but her mind went blank. She shoved the violets into her grunkle's hands and opened the Chinese app. "Welcome to my home. My name is Marinette."

" _[Comrade Wang!]"_ The app shouted. " _[There is an evil scourge in this country. For the greater advancement of the communist state, you must exorcise the demon!]_ "

"Ah!" Wang acknowledged the mission with a swift nod. He entered the home while plucking the petals of the purple flowers.

Overwhelmed, Marinette dialed her last resort, "Alya! My Chinese grunkle just got here and I've already said something super racist! HELP!"

"Ooh that sounds so tempting, but I can't, girl," sighed her so-called friend. "Me and Nino are doing some _brother and sister bonding_ , if you know what I mean."

Marinette heard Nino call in the distance, "Hey Alya, I've kinda been wearing the li'l sis dress for a couple weeks now. Can we switch it up— "

"No, I prefer you this way. Here, put on this lipstick and do the girly voice for my ' _Sassy Hawt Boyfriend'_ Blog."

"Yeeeeah, um, I'm, uh, getting the distinct feeling that you're projecting something on me, which is totally cool, I'm always here to support but… please don't take this the wrong way, but, uh, Alya, are you okay with dating a guy who dresses like a… _guy_?"

There were a couple seconds of silence followed by the slam of a door.

Marinette wondered if what she was hearing represented the dynamic of most teenage couples.

Alya continued, "Sorry, I had to put Nino in the closet, he needed a time out. But don't worry, I have a plan. As long as you agree to be livestreamed, girl, I got your back. Hang tight."

Before Marinette could negotiate the terms of this unwise deal, the line went dead.

 _38 minutes later:_

Marinette and her grunkle Wang sat in awkward silence on the couch. Marinette tapped her foot nervously. Wang kept his eyes peeled for the hidden demon.

"So..." Marinette tried to break the ice, "Thanks for inventing fortune cookies...?"

There was a knock at the door.

"Oh thank Astruc!" Marinette leaped across the room and ripped open the door to let in her savior. There on her doorstep, holding up a phone that was livestreaming to Alya's ' _White People Being White'_ Blog, was Adrien!

"Chinese translator reporting for duty!"

Marinette's eye spasmed, "No way..."

"Yes way, Alya explained to me what was going on. She also explained how people do these things for each other called 'favors' which is what commoners pay each other with instead of money. Favors sound fun!"

"No way!" Marinette was overjoyed! This awful family reunion just turned into an excuse to spend the whole day with her Adrien!

Best day ever!

 _Later:_

Worst day ever…

Marinette had spent the last ten blocks crammed in the corner of an Uber's back seat, squished like a sardine against the window by her extra-wide grunkle who was taking all of her Adrien-talking time!

" _[Is this your first time in Paris?]_ " Adrien asked.

" _[I was here 30 years ago to gather intel on the weaknesses of capitalism. I see now even more American fast food abominations. Nothing but McBurgers and President Donald's.]_ "

" _[Actually, it's King Donald's.]_ "

" _[Your Chinese is very good for a capitalist pig,]_ " Wang complimented.

" _[Thank you, Wang Sifu.]_ " Adrien managed a slight bow in the small car. " _[Father always says it is better to ally oneself with the future rulers of the world. How goes the silent invasion?]_ "

" _[Phase 3 is complete. This trip will decide whether or not we proceed with The Cleansing. The Pretend-To-Not-Speak-Other-Languages plan has been a very effective confusion tactic. Watch this.]_ " He turned to Marinette and spoke in flawless English, "How's that European Union working out?"

Marinette gasped, "I didn't know you could speak English!"

"Oh no, me not good. My English not good." Wang turned to Adrien, " _[I am lying. I can speak perfect English and have understood every racist thing she has said since I got here.]_ "

" _[Impressive.]_ "

 _Later at the Grand Paris Luxury Hotel:_

Marinette was shocked when their Uber pulled up in front of a red carpet! Crowds of people and flashing cameras greeted her grunkle as he got out!

"Welcome, Wang Sifu, to the World's Greatest Chef competition!" Mayor Bourgeois proclaimed.

As Wang solemnly bowed and signed the audience's spatulas, Marinette demanded to know, "What is going on? I thought we were going to a bowling alley."

"Your grunkle was being metaphorical," Adrien informed. "Chinese is a very metaphorical language."

" _[Tell me, Mayor, where does the French demon dwell so that I may slay the creature?]_ " Wang asked.

"He wants to know where the bathroom is," Adrien translated.

 _Later, inside:_

French Ryan Seacrest addressed the camera, "Today is the final round, people. The winning dish will have a Westernized version added to the Hotel Restaurant kids menu. Hotel Restaurant: cheap food at hotel prices. Wink at camera." He didn't wink.

A nearby patron complained, "Garcon! There are no flies on my overcooked chicken fingers."

"Terribly sorry, monsieur. Allow me." Their waiter pulled out a shaker of insects and ground a healthy serving of dead bugs into the food. "That'll be an extra 50 euro."

"Mmm," the customer licked their lips, "This is the pinnacle of Hotel Restaurant cuisine."

The TV host gave a huge grin, "Surely, the greatest honor a chef can receive. Our big competitor is..." French Ryan Seacrest squinted at the cue card, "'Wang Cheng?' Ha! Wang." He turned to the hilariously named chef, "So, _Wang_ , what'cha making for us?"

After Adrien translated the question, Wang said, " _[For the greater advancement of the communist state, with the petals of the poisonous flowers my half-breed grandniece gave me, I shall sacrifice the judges of this bloated indulgence of excess that celebrates your misguided capitalist ways. Their deaths will draw out the French demon, and the evil shall be captured in my award winning Celestial Soup.]_ "

"I caught 'Celestial Soup' at the end of whatever that speech was. We've heard so much about your legendary dish and now we actually get to try it. Stay tuned, folks!" The camera cut. "Haahhaha! Seriously? _Wang?_ HAHAHAAH!"

As French Ryan Seacrest laughed his ass off, Wang headed towards the kitchen to brew his signature dish. This at last left Marinette alone with Adrien. She braced herself and, with the elegance of a drunken crab wearing stilettos, Marinette inched towards her one and only.

10 feet away.

A loose section of ceiling tile fell and nearly crack her head open. She sidestepped it.

7 feet away.

An excited poodle of perfect tripping height scampered in her path. She stepped over it.

3 feet away.

A mugger pulled a gun on her. She kicked him in the dick.

0 feet away.

She was there.

Marinette pushed past the gathering taste of green flour in her mouth and managed basic human communication.

"Th-Th-Thanks again for coming with us, Adrien." She barely kept her trembling isolated to her knees.

"No problem, Marinette. This has been a great opportunity to practice my Chinese, especially with a genuine Sifu."

"See-foo...?"

"That's Chinese for 'master.' You should really learn the language before it's too late."

"He is right, you know," her phone said ominously. "Your half-breed brood arone wirr not protect you from The Creansing." An even more ominous pause. "That is rike 'The Purge' except more Chinese."

"Well, look who it is!" The voice of Marinette's nemesis grated her ears. Chloe stepped forward with a wide malicious smile, "If it isn't my favorite person in Paris, Marinette Dupain-Cheng."

Adrien gasped, "Chloe! I didn't know you and Marinette had finally become friends! That's wonderful!"

Chloe sighed, "Remind me to explain sarcasm to you later, Adrien. As for you, Marinette, does your grunkle really think he'll win with a soup? It's not even a main dish like snails or frog legs or pig testicles or—"

"We get it!" Marinette turned green and barely held down her lunch, "French food is disgusting!"

"But soup? Ugh, I absolutely hate that stuff! And not because my Mommikins bailed on the family solely because Daddikins made a bad soup the day before I turned six."

Chloe went deathly quiet.

Marinette cleared her throat, "Um… No one suggested that was the reason."

"Good! It's not!" The slowly growing unsteady girl tried to ignore a butler who offered her a teddy bear. "Point is, I hate soup. I'm one of the judges. Sucks for you grunkle!" She grabbed the teddy bear and ran.

Marinette rubbed her head in frustration. "If it was up to Chloe, she'd have my grunkle make orange chicken or sushi."

"Sushi is Japanese," Adrien corrected.

"I knew that!" Marinette lied at the top of her lungs and avoided all eye contact. "I'm not ignorant of my heritage! I'm not racist! I'm only _half-_ white!"

"And it's that other half that your grunkle deeply cares about." Adrien placed his comforting hands on Marinette's shoulders. "He actually mentioned how he was going to use the flowers you gave him in his soup. Got a little metaphorical after that but I'm sure 'poison the judges' was supposed to mean 'make them feel like they died and went to heaven.'"

He kept going but Marinette didn't hear the rest. All mental capacity had been relegated to keeping the GLAWLAAALAL from stopping her heart while absorbing the sensation of every millimeter of contact between her unworthy body and Adrien's perfect hands. And he was standing so close! What was that smell? It was coming from his mouth! He must've not brushed! His glorious stinky morning breath was gracing her nostrils!

"He's shown you great respect, in his own special way," Adrien concluded.

"You think I'm special?" Marinette dreamily whispered before she fainted with a dopey grin.

 _Meanwhile, in the kitchen:_

Wang stirred the deadly flower petals into the pot. The bubbling liquid turned a sickening shade of purple. The boiling grew intense. A miasma in the shape of a human skull floated out and screeched a ghostly wail.

" _[Hmm, needs more salt,]_ " noted Wang.

"Excuse me, Mister Wang!" Chloe called to him, "Marinette is looking for you outside."

Wang lowered the stove's temperature and left the kitchen. All alone, Chloe approached the soup while cackling, "Let's see if the other judges like your grunkle's soup after this, Marinette." The bitch grabbed awful ingredients and tossed them into the frothing liquid. Rotten onions! Moldy fish skeletons! Nutella! She added more and more! "A little of this… a little of that… You like that, Mommikins? You like the soup? IS THIS SOUP GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU, _MOM_?!" She snapped out of her rage right after she had finished dumping a blue bottle of unknown liquid into the soup. She covered the pot and bolted for the exit.

Wang came back in, "Marinette was not there."

"Sorry, me no speaky Japanese—" Chloe paused, "Wait… you can speak English?"

"Nope."

"..."

"..."

Thoroughly confused, Chloe stared at the man while slowly backing out of the kitchen.

Wang shrugged the moment off and poured out bowls of soup. He made sure to grab his emergency blue bottle of antidote just in case. Strange… It was much emptier than he remembered.

 _Later:_

"Pfft! WANG?! HAHAHA!" French Ryan Seacrest couldn't stop.

"Sir, we're rolling!" shouted his cameraman.

"Right, right, okay, okay..." The host regained some control. "Time for the judging! Our panel of gourmets as always include… Mayor Bourgeois!"

The mayor waved, "I'm not dreading the thought of eating a soup better than the one that destroyed my marriage."

"Representing the younger generation: his daughter Chloe!"

Chloe gave a super fake smile, "Gee, I hope the food doesn't taste... _sabotaged_." She did a huge obvious full-body wink.

"Representing the foreign demographic: Jagged Stone and his killer crocodile Fang!"

The rockstar looked sick. "For fuck's sake, we better not be eating bloody pig testicles again." His eyes momentarily flashed 01110101 01101110 01100100 01101111 and Jagged suddenly looked eager. "Because I can't get enough of that shite!"

Fang hissed in agreement.

"And finally, the divine head chef of this very hotel: Marlena Cesaire, A-K-A, Alya's mom!"

Marlena looked back down the table, "Am I the only one concerned by Chloe's wink and heavy emphasis on 'sabotage?'"

"And I'll be joining them as well!" French Ryan Seacrest took a seat at the end of the judges table and they were each served a bowl of Celestial Soup. "It's time to decide the fate of the life's work of Chef Wang!"

"Wang? HA!" laughed Jagged Stone.

The room went silent as the five judges and one crocodile dug into their bowls. Marinette and Adrien could only watch from behind the cameras as Wang waited for their thoughts. Oddly, Chloe only stirred her soup, never taking a sip. The tension grew thicker as Mayor Bourgeois swished the purple soup across his tongue, gargled the liquid in the back of his throat and finally swallowed. The man smacked his lips and took a second to appreciate any aftertastes that might arise. He seemed to come to a conclusion and faced the camera.

He puked. "BLEEEEEEEEEEEGH!"

"OH MY ASTRUC!" Chloe screamed. "DON'T GET IT IN MY HAIR!"

Jagged Stone barfed. "BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH! UGH, THE PIG TESTICLES CAME BACK UP! BLAAAAAAAAAGH!"

"STOP AIMING AT ME!" Chloe climbed onto the back of her chair.

Fang finished his bowl and chowed down on Jagged's leftovers while holding up a 10/10 scorecard.

Marlena vomited. "I KNEW IT! BLEEEEEEEEEEGH! THAT LITTLE BITCH! BLAAAAAAAAGH!"

"NO! MY SHOES!" Chloe wailed.

"DON'T YOU DARE CUT TO COMMERCIAL! BLAAAAAAAAAAGH!" French Ryan Seacrest upchucked his breakfast of crepes and Jack Daniels. "THIS IS GOOD TV! BLAAAAAAA—

 _One Commercial Break Later:_

Wang stood ankle-deep in a puddle of purple throw-up, absolutely stunned. Not one of the judges had died. They were laying in agony with stomachs burning hotter than hellfire but they were very much alive. He stepped forward and took a quick taste of the soup.

" _[Antidote?!]_ " he cried. " _[I did not add antidote!]_ One of you capitalist pigs sabotaged my poisoned soup!"

Everybody in the room stared at Wang.

"You all heard that, right?" asked Marinette. "He _can_ speak English!"

Wang backpedaled, "Uh! No! Me not good! My English not good!" Wang scrambled to the kitchen.

French Ryan Seacrest struggled to his feet, "Even with that perfect score from Fang, Chef Wang's score averages out to 1.6. Not enough to be named World's Greatest Chef." The host belched and tasted copper. "Stay tuned, folks, as we're rushed to the Emergency Room." He fell face first into his barf puddle.

Chloe, who was so pale and shell shocked that she looked like she had barely survived the trench warfare of World War I and II combined, slowly climbed out of the swamp of human bile she had caused.

As she left, Marinette eyed the bitch with suspicion. "Call it a hunch, but I think Chloe's behind this."

"Wow! Really?" Adrien gushed, genuinely impressed by her deductive reasoning. "You're like a regular Sherlock Holmes! Can I be your Watson? We'd make a great team!"

The poor girl's hormones flooded her imagination with _naughty_ images of her and Adrien in some rather _graphic_ Holmes X Watson shipping art. The iconic detective hat playfully smooshed on Adrien's head. His body entwined to hers with a rather sexy British scarf. Mmm, where was Adrien gonna stick that smoking pipe?

She whispered, "You'd look so cute with a mustache."

"What?"

"NOTHING!"

 _Meanwhile, in the kitchen:_

Wang sulked over his ruined soup pot. He had lost the competition. He had not exorcised the French demon. He had failed to advance the greatness of the communist state. It left him feeling so... _angry._

 _Meanwhile:_

In a hidden tower, a great spiral window opened, illuminating the haunting figure of a man trying to cook along with 'The Great British Baking Show.' Hawkmoth stirred his butterfly-themed cauldron, "Okay, so, half a stick of butter, some paprika, and a dash of cinnamon." The concoction exploded in his face. "Screw this! I'm ordering chinese!" He turned one of his butterflies black and sent it off.

 _Back at the hotel:_

Wang inspected the ingredients and concluded, "The blonde brat… it must have been her. Such dishonor shall not go unpunished." He pulled out a jade dragon.

The mystical item's eyes shined and the voice from Marinette's phone spoke, " _[How goes the mission, Comrade Wang?]_ "

" _[There is no saving these capitalist pigs! I demand The Cleansing begin immedia—]_ "

The Akuma shattered on his chef hat. A pair of neon-pink fashionably butterfly-themed sunglasses appeared on his face and he saw a hungry silver-masked man.

"Yeah, I'll have an order of General Tso Chicken, some wonton soup and two egg rolls. Do you take unholy powers to exact revenge on those who have wronged you as payment?"

"Of course," Wang evily smiled. "Coming right up."

Chef Wang was swallowed by bubbling darkness and became Super Saiyan Chef Goku!

Just beyond the kitchen doors, the EMTs were halfway done pumping Jagged Stone's stomach. "Holy crap, how much cocaine does this guy do?"

Suddenly the judges doubled over in pain, clutching their guts.

"I don't feel so good," Bourgeois said.

"I feel like I just went on an Arby's binge," Marlena went _gulk_.

"Oh Astruc!" gurgled French Ryan Seacrest. "I think it's coming out the other end! Keep that camera rolling!"

Then Kung Food landed on their table and laughed at their misery in a badly lip-synced voice, "You have eaten Kung Food's soup. Now, you obey Kung Food's command." The judges' eyes turned demonic yellow and red. They stood at attention like soldiers. Kung Food demanded, "Where is blonde brat?"

They all pointed straight ahead. Directly behind Kung Food was Chloe on her phone. The girl had somehow missed the villain's dramatic entrance.

"If anyone asks, Sabrina," she hissed into the phone, "you're the person who poisoned everybody, got it?"

"But Chloe, I wasn't there."

"Are you making excuses?! Get over here and put your fingerprints on everything!"

"Right away!"

The phone was ripped from Chloe's hands by her brainwashed Daddikins. The judges and Fang dogpiled the girl.

Kung Food chuckled, "Kung Food make new soup! Kung Food make _Brat_ Soup! HAHAHAAHAH!"

"Actually," Hawkmoth piped in, "Is it too late to change my wonton to egg drop?"

 _Downstairs in the main lobby:_

Marinette braced herself. "ADRIEN!" she shrieked. "TeeEeLL!… ME!… AboooUT!…" She sounded out the last word in her head a couple times before continuing, "...yourself…?"

Tikki gaped.

Somewhere on Earth, a pig randomly sprouted wings and took flight.

The boy stared at her. "Huh, no one has ever asked me that before." He pondered on this novel idea for a while. "Okay, sure! What to tell… What to tell… Ooh! Can you keep a secret?"

"No," Marinette answered honestly. "I MEAN, YES! You can trust me with anything! It's not like I blurt out the most embarrassing truths about people at the slightest nudge! ALYA HAS WEBBED FEET!"

Adrien leaned in, his head lowered as if he was embarrassed to admit this. "I kinda have a crush on a girl."

Adrien's phone switched to the ' _Demons_Are_Real'_ Blog.

Marinette's half-breed blood ran cold. "Oh?"

"Don't worry, it's not you."

Tikki facenubbed.

Somewhere on Earth, that flying pig was shredded to bacon by a jet engine.

Marinette's fist smashed through the front desk next to them. "Let me guess… She has dark hair, blue eyes, and an interest in poetry?"

"Wow! You really are like Sherlock Holmes!"

Marinette's nails clawed through the front desk until they wrapped around a dozen pens, each one as sharp and deadly as a butcher knife! "Where is this _WHORE_ who stands in my way?" Marinette ripped her murder weapons out of the desk, snapping the furniture in half.

"Oh, she comes and goes," Adrien sighed. "The real problem is how do I get her to like me? Nothing I say or do works."

"LET ME TALK TO HER!" All twelve pens exploded in Marinette's iron grip. The ink dribbled down her arm like blood. "I'M SURE I CAN MAKE HER SEE THE ERROR OF HER WAYS!"

"You'd do that for me? Oh I get it! You're returning the favor, like a good _friend_."

"GAAAH!" Marinette grabbed at her heart in pain. "D-Don't say the f-word."

"Favor?"

"RUN! GET OUT BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE!" The cameraman sped down the stairs and out the front door.

"Are you running from an Akuma?" Adrien called.

"No, I'm running from the subpar room service—OF COURSE IT'S AN AKUMA!"

The doors shut behind him and a wall of hot sticky golden liquid flowed over the entire building, sealing every means of exit! Adrien tasted some of the goop that flowed in.

"Caramel? Cool, Father only lets us drench the mansion in chocolate. Lucky!"

Then what looked like a flying dumpling with one big toad's eye floated before them. Fuck, and Marinette thought Tikki looked horrific. The disgusting thing projected a live feed of Kung Food on the hotel roof.

"Time for second course!" The Akuma rubbed his hands together, "Who is hungry for French _Dip_ Soup? BUAHAHA!"

Behind him, the hotel's pool bubbled with burning hot soup broth! His hypnotized sous chefs stirred in more potatoes and onions. Nearby, Fang was slurping from the tall pot of Wang's leftover Celestial Soup. Hanging over the deadly bath was the tied up main ingredient: CHLOE!

The blonde girl screamed, "No! No more soup! Please!"

In the steaming pool Chloe saw the face of her mother. "Mommikins! Please, save me!"

The mirage sneered, "Oh, when did _you_ get here, Cologne? Still wearing those hair extensions, huh? It's not like that wig could get any worse."

"AAAAAAAAH! FOR THE LAST TIME, IT'S NOT A WIG!"

Adrien snapped his fingers, "Dang! I accidentally left Chloe alone with people again. You find a safe place to hide, I'll get her."

Marinette wanted to protest but she was entranced into silence by the sway of Adrien's butt as he ran away.

Tikki floated out, dripping head to leg nub with pen ink. "So are you gonna talk to him again and, you know, develop an actually healthy relationship or—"

"Use talking to Adrien as a means to track down this _SKANK_ who dares try to steal _my Adrien_? That's a great idea, Tikki!"

"UGH! Why do I even bother?!"

"But first, the Akuma. Tikki, spots on!" In a flourish of red, she became Ladybug. As soon as she jumped back into the lobby, she ran into Chat Noir!

"M'Lady!" the cat-boy clapped. "There's somebody here that I want you to meet!"

"Is it your penis?" she rolled her eyes.

"Not this time, I swear!"

 _On the roof:_

Kung Food observed the heroes' arrival on his dumpling broadcast. "Aha, surprise ingredients!"

Hawkmoth called again, "Sorry to keep changing my order but could I get extra sweet and sour sauce?"

"British one, bring them to Kung Food!"

"Yes, chef!" Jagged saluted and Naruto-ran down the stairs.

Chloe, meanwhile, was trying to swing her body away from facing her soup-Mommikins. The mirage seemed to be annoyed by her culinary surroundings. "What exactly am I even doing here, Chloroform? Why couldn't you mentally project me onto something with class like a marble statue or a labradoodle?"

"Um, I think it has something to do with that traumatizing night before my sixth birthday when you burned Daddikins face with his soup and stole the car and shot three of the butlers and—"

"Hold that thought, Cholesterol, I have to take this." The imaginary Mommikins answered an equally imaginary phone.

Chloe really wanted her teddy bear right then.

 _In the lobby:_

"Your abs?" guessed Ladybug.

"No, I don't want you to meet my abs, but I'd be happy to introduce you to the _Cat-Pack_ later."

The elevator dinged open and there stood demon-eyed Jagged Stone! He swung on his shoulder a heavy greatsword made from various seafood crustaceans!

Chat Noir gasped, "Jagged Stone? Oh no! This _scampi_ happening!"

Ladybug twitched.

Chat Noir kept going, "Hey, Jagged, I bet you can't carry a _tune-a._ "

Ladybug convulsed.

Chat Noir didn't learn, "Put down the weapon, Jagged. We all just need to _clam_ down."

Summoning every ounce of his strength, Jagges Stone swung the fishy greatsword down at the heroes!

Ladybug stopped the strike with her pinky.

The superpowered heroine carried both the average non-powered man and the greatsword across the lobby. With an Amazonian shake, she dropped the rockstar into a closet and blocked the door with a chair. She kept the greatsword. Ladybug stomped her way back across the lobby.

Chat Noir grinned, "That's enough fish puns. I think I should _scale_ back. Get it? Because fish have scales."

Using the flat edge of the greatsword, Ladybug smacked Chat Noir into the elevator and followed him in.

 _On the roof:_

Kung Food growled at his sous chef's failure. "Mayor! Do Kung Food justice!"

"Yes, chef!" Mayor Bourgeois made several intricate ninja hand signs, summoned his chakra, and took the stairs.

Chloe's escape attempt had left her still tied up but somehow perpetually _banging_ her head against the pole that held her over the pool.

"Keep it down, Chicken Pox, mommy is very busy." Her Mommikins was ' _very busy'_ painting her nails.

 _In the elevator:_

Ladybug enjoyed the peaceful elevator music. It was so relaxing without Chat Noir blabbering. She should hold life-threatening greatswords to Chat Noir's neck more often.

"LB, about the person I want you to meet—"

"Shhhh..." Ladybug pressed the razor-sharp blade against his vulnerable throat. She whispered as softly as she would whisper to a sleeping baby, "Shut the fuck up."

The elevator lights flickered and their transport jolted to a stop. The door slid open to reveal Mayor Bourgeois armed with a chain of sausages and potatoes!

"HWAA!" the mayor screeched like a ninja on helium! He twisted and twirled the string of food as if it were the world's deadliest weapon! "PWAAA! SCHWAA! KYAAAA! CHOP SUUUEEEY! OoOoOoOoWICHITAAAAA!"

 _Three Seconds Later:_

One floor above, an unconscious Mayor Bourgeois suddenly smashed headfirst through the floorboards and landed in a heap of sausages and potatoes. He was missing several teeth and had a greatsword-shaped bruise on his swollen cheek.

 _On the roof:_

Kung Food grit his teeth at yet another failure. He pointed at Marlena and French Ryan Seacrest. "Capture them! Otherwise you will end up in Kung Food's soup too!"

"Yes, chef!" the final sous chefs bowed. They both threw down smoke bombs and a cloud swallowed them both! When the smoke cleared, they were still there. They took the stairs.

Fang eagerly came to Kung Food with the empty soup pot. "D'aww, crocodile like Kung Food's Celestial Soup. Kung Food brew you more."

Chloe barely clung to consciousness, resting her badly bruised forehead against the pole. She was still tied up.

Her Mommikins closed the magazine she was reading and stretched her legs. "Glad we had this talk, Cancer, but I really must be going. Places to be. Things to do. Be sure to take the aggression this day has pent up out on your friend Sabrina. Such a lovely girl. I can always _remember her name._ Anyways, see you never, Bob." Her Mommikins got in a helicopter and flew away.

 _Downstairs:_

Ladybug prodded the knocked out Mayor. "I wanna say they've learned their lesson and they'll stop sending normal people to attack us armed with nothing except food, but..."

French Ryan Seacrest dropped from the rafters with a crossbow made of cheese! At his side dropped Marlena with an archer's bow made of cakes!

"Nevermind," groaned Ladybug.

French Ryan Seacrest fired an entire wheel of stinky blue cheese! Ladybug lazily swatted it back with the greatsword! The cheese hit Marlena and exploded in a burning cloud of intense dairy! Marlena gagged and fainted from the stench! She accidentally shot an arrow into French Ryan Seacrest's shoulder!

"AAH! AAH! WHY DID YOU HAVE A REAL ARROW?! AAAH! ALL OF OUR WEAPONS WERE FOOD! MINE SHOT DAMN CHEESE WHEELS! BUT YOU HAD A REAL ARROW!? **WHY?!** **AAAAH!** " The TV host collapsed to the floor gripping his bleeding painful wound.

The heroes rushed past the defeated last line of defenders and up the stairs to…

 _The roof:_

Kung Food sniffed the boiling pool. "Mmm, temperature just right. Time for main ingredient..." He evily chuckled as the delirious Chloe was slowly lowered to her doom. In the frothing soup, Fang hungrily waited.

Suddenly, a greatsword flew through the air and cut Chloe's rope. Ladybug leaped across the pool and caught Chloe before it was too late.

Now safely on land, Ladybug had time to realize her mistake. "Dammit! I forgot we were saving _Chloe_! Ugh, and I lost my greatsword too. Something tells me I will live to regret doing this."

Chloe raised her bleeding head and woozily asked, "Can I call you mommy?"

Ladybug shivered in revulsion. "You may _NOT!_ " She tossed Chloe down the stairs.

"Good catch, M'Lady," Chat Noir congratulated. "Now it's just us and Kung Food and afterwards I can introduce you to my good friend Mar—"

"I don't wanna meet your friends!" Ladybug blindly charged Kung Food! The Akuma drew out a pair of California Roll nunchucks and fended her off!

"But, Bugaboo!" Chat Noir jumped in, swatting away the chucks with his battlestaff. "I really think the two of you would get along. You both have a lot in common—" Kung Food drew out a swiss cheese bow staff and attacked. "You and her are both very headstrong, extremely helpful, and have sweet asses that just won't quit—"

Kung Food blew a surprise handful of blinding powder in Chat Noir's face. As the cat-boy gagged, Ladybug grabbed her partner's tail and used his body as a club to strike Kung Food across the pool.

"Geez, Chat Noir, if I didn't know any better, I'd say you have a thing for this girl."

"What?" Chat spat away the last of the powder. "Nah, we're just friends."

"GAAAH!" Ladybug grabbed at her heart in pain.

"...You okay?"

"Yeah, I, uh, I don't know what that was."

Then Kung Food leaped back to the fight. From his bottomless ingredients bag, the Akuma pulled out a larger than life buster sword made of pepperoni pizza!

Ladybug tossed up her yo-yo. "Lucky Charm!" And down came a polkadotted credit card machine.

"Hahaha!" Kung Food guffawed. "Do you really expect to defeat Kung Food with _paper_?"

"Paper…" Ladybug looked at the bubbling pool. "Of course!" The heroine tugged out several yards of receipt paper and dunked the length into the liquid. Pulling out the thoroughly soaked paper, Ladybug lashed the roll at Kung Food! The villain was instantly wrapped head to toe like a mummy and incapacitated!

"Wow..." Chat Noir scratched his head. "That worked…?"

Ladybug patted herself on the back for a well devised plan. "Y'up. For, as we all know, paper is much stronger when it's wet." She thought about that for more than 2 seconds. "Wait, no, it's weaker."

Kung Food ripped free of his pitiful wet paper restraints! He swung his mighty buster sword at Ladybug!

"LB!"

Chat Noir jumped in the way and was cleaved in half!

Ladybug looked down at the divided corpse of her partner... and snickered. "Hehe. Chat, come on, pull yourself together. PFFT! Don't go to pieces on me now! HA! You're falling apart! BAAHAHAHA!"

"Whoa…" Kung Food took a thoroughly weirded out step back. "Why are you laughing, dotted one?"

"Hey, give me a break, I'm not laughing at the puns. I'm laughing at the fact that he's dead again. It's the only joy I have left in life, let me have it." Ladybug then pitched the credit card machine at Kung Food's face.

"Ow!"

Ladybug threw a lawn chair.

"Ow!"

Ladybug chucked Chat Noir's lower half.

"Ow! Hey! Stop throwing junk at Kung Food!"

"It's how I hero!" She tossed the tall pot of Celestial Soup. The purple liquid spilled all over Kung Food. The Akuma froze in horror.

"Oh no…"

Fang pounced!

"AH! No! Kung Food commands you! Do not eat Kung Food!"

As the Akuma was devoured, his chef hat tumbled to Ladybug's feet and she tore it half. Quickly de-evilizing the black butterfly inside, she cast Miraculous Ladybug.

The pool was drained of soup!

The hotel was cleaned of caramel!

The judges' battle wounds were healed!

Chat Noir's body radiated with black magic and his two halves became one again. "Great, now I'm down to five lives."

"Curses! Foiled again!" Hawkmoth raged at the spiral window. His stomach growled and he pulled out his butterfly-themed phone. "Oh well, I guess I'll order pizza instead."

* * *

 _Later, in the kitchen:_

Wang now stood over a fresh batch of Celestial Soup. The chef did not fully understand how it happened, but he had shamefully allowed himself to be possessed by the very French demon he had sought to exorcise. Out of what he understood as pity the capitalist pigs were giving him a second chance to rebrew his dish.

" _[Comrade Wang!]_ " called the small jade dragon on the counter. " _[We lost you mid-transmission. What was your recommendation for The Cleansing?]_ "

He hesitated. Before, Wang had been set on giving his go-ahead, but now… Was he truly better than the capitalist pigs? He had succumbed to the gluttony for power! What hope was there for the communist state if capitalism wielded such strength?

"Grunkle Wang?" Marinette handed him a new bouquet of violets. "Um, I know you may or may not be able to understand me but… could you teach me how to make Cerestial Soup?" Marinette went pale. "GAH! I MEANT CE _ **L**_ ESTIAL SOUP! I SWEAR, I AM NOT DOING THIS ON PURPOSE! I LOVE CHINA AND ALL OF ITS SWEATSHOPS AND MEDIA CENSORSHIP AND FORTUNE COOKIES!"

"Fortune cookies are actually American," Adrien corrected from the door.

"GAAAH!"

As his half-breed grandniece accidentally made more and more racist remarks, Wang considered the flowers and the soup they were meant to poison. Wang came to a conclusion and grinded the plants down the garbage disposal. He put a ladle in Marinette's hand and gently guided her to stir the soup. Without using a word of Chinese or English, he taught her the recipe.

"Um, Chloe…" As Adrien watched Marinette and her grunkle cook, he tried to hold back the unexpected wet burning sensation in his eyes. "What's going on here? Why does my heart feel like it's being torn out of my chest?"

Chloe wailed like a baby while hugging her teddy bear. "Because it's a beautiful moment between family members who actually love each other! But I don't care! Don't be ridiculous! Why would I care—AAH! Who am I kidding?! There's soup involved so this is hitting me right in the feels! WAAAAH!"

"Do not forget the secret ingredient," Wang instructed.

"Is it love?" Marinette asked.

"No. It is MSG. Fuck ton of MSG."

 _Later, at the Judges Table:_

Mayor Bourgeois finished his entire soup bowl with a deep satisfied belch. "Magnificent!"

Marlena concurred, "This is one of the greatest dishes I've ever eaten!"

French Ryan Seacrest tallied the scores, "I think we have our winner, folks! The World's Greatest Chef is Wang Cheng!"

Wang bowed to their applause. " _[Thank you. You capitalist pigs bring me great honor. Normally, I would not care about such a meaningless title and would instead plot on how to use my success to advance the greatness of the communist state. However, after today, I believe the answer is not in the advancement of our countries, but the advancement of the children. 30 years ago, I came to Europe and only saw greed and racism. It has only gotten worse. But now there are some who apologize and try to stop. And as small as that attempt may be, it is still change and it is a start. I am happy to say that I will recommend The Cleansing be postponed just a little bit longer. Not too long. Just long enough to see if the children like my half-breed grandniece can truly unite our worlds.]_ "

Everybody blankly stared at Wang.

"What did he say?" Marinette asked.

"Got really metaphorical there but I think he said he's lost his wallet," Adrien translated.

Jagged Stone's head snapped back and his body convulsed as if he was having an epileptic seizure! A thin film that looked like it was made of 1's and 0's and dripping with purple Celestial Soup slithered out of Jagged Stone's gaping mouth. The soup seemed to eat away at the snake of numbers until it disintegrated in the air. The body shakes stopped and Jagged gasped. He touched his face in shock. "I'm free? I'm free! Bloody hell, I'M FREE! HAHA! Fuck the lot of you snail-slurpers and your fucking pig testicles! I'm getting me some fish 'n chips!" Jagged joyfully ran out of the room.

" _[Huh, guess I exorcised a demon after all,]_ " Wang shrugged.

END

 _01011001 01101111 01110101 00100000 01110100 01101000 01101001 01101110 01101011 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101 00100000 01100011 01100001 01101110 00100000 01100111 01100101 01110100 00100000 01110010 01101001 01100100 00100000 01101111 01100110 00100000 01101101 01100101 00100000 01110011 01101111 00100000 01100101 01100001 01110011 01101001 01101100 01111001 00111111_

 _Just ignore him. He'll eventually go away._


	31. 22 Juleka and the Camera's Curse

_We're almost there. 2nd draft of finale: 44 pages. BIGGER!_

 _Let's play a game… How many times do you think Juleka sighs in this chapter? Write down your guess now_ _ **01010100 01101000 01101001 01110011 00100000 01101001 01110011 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101 01110010 00100000 01100110 01101001 01101110 01100001 01101100 00100000 01110111 01100001 01110010 01101110 01101001 01101110 01100111**_ _The answer will be revealed at the end!_

* * *

 _PROLOGUE_

 _"Go ahead," shrugged Zag._

 _Officer Amelie gaped._

 _Lappy flashed several question marks._

 _I stuttered, "W-W-What?"_

 _Zag chuckled and tightened his hold on my collar. His cold voice carried over the sound of deadly bubbling Nutella in the vat below. "We give away major spoilers at almost every convention we attend. Secret identities, character designs, plot points, goddamned kisses! We tell you fans practically everything that's going to happen every single season and yet viewership has steadily increased each year. So go right ahead, Officer. Spoil the entire Miraculous series. The fools will still watch!"_

 _Ice dripped down my spine at the heartless declaration. Jeremy Zag had gone mad with power. There was no way to stop him._

 _"Plan B!" ordered Lappy._

 _"What?" stumbled Amelie. "You mean zee weird zhing you zaid about zee GPS?"_

 _My eyes widened as I realized what Lappy was gonna do._

 _"Just do it!" Lappy shouted._

 _Amelie quickly pulled out the GPS and tapped the screen in a certain combination._

 _Zag watched, thoroughly confused. "Uh, what are you—"_

 _"Here!" I held my hand open. Amelie tossed me the GPS. For a second, I glanced at the device. Digital fire began to spread across the screen. I pointed the cursed thing at Zag._

 _"You have arrived at your destination," beeped the GPS. "HELL!"_

 _A pillar of fire erupted from the thing! The flames did not burn Zag but seemed to instead wrap his body like a snake! The man couldn't look away from the GPS! I saw in his eyes the reflection of a beast's mouth lined with razor sharp teeth! His screams were pitiful in my ears and for a moment I felt sorry for him!_

 _While that was happening, Amelie rushed over and pulled me to safety. The GPS left my hands and continued to float before Zag's wailing face. Finally, the fire began to slither down his throat and the glow of embers sizzled beneath his skin. When the fire disappeared into his body, the GPS clattered to the catwalk, empty. The pain was too great and Zag screeched endlessly until his legs carried him over the edge and the man plummeted into the vat of boiling Nutella._

 _"...What...zee fuck... just happened?" gasped Amelie._

 _"Um," I shrugged as I caught my breath. "When I first moved in, my house was haunted by a demon, I exorcised the spirit into the GPS and now that demon just possessed Zag before he died."_

 _She stared at me, "...What?"_

 _"What? Did I stutter?"_

 _"WHAT?!"_

 _...TO BE CONTINUED..._

* * *

 **Miraculous Headache  
** _Chapter 22: Juleka and the Camera's Curse  
_ By: I Write Big

Friendships have the potential to span entire lifetimes. While some eventually drift apart, there are those who just click. They're always there for each other and can always be seen by each other's side. This was the friendship people imagined Juleka and Rose had. It seemed no matter the situation, the pair stuck together through thick and thin. People assumed that theirs was the epitome of the word friendship.

People assume too much.

Here's how they met.

"Ah, Miss Couffaine, thank you for coming," Principal Damocles said as Juleka entered his office. "I called you here because we have a new student who needs to be shown around."

"`Kay... Who?" Juleka sighed.

"ME!" A hidden bomb of glitter and confetti exploded somewhere in the room and the pinkest girl Juleka had ever seen popped literally out of nowhere from behind her and began to prance like a fairy princess. "Hello! Hello! How are you? I'm good, I'm great! How about you? What's your name? Coughing? That's a silly name and I love it! It's nice to make your avocado, Coughing!"

As the colorful streamers settled, Juleka was a tad more speechless than usual from meeting the living embodiment of joy and whimsy. "...Uh, avocado?"

Damocles stepped in, "I think Miss Lavillant meant to say 'acquaintance'. You see, she's... _special._ "

The pink thing leaned closer to Juleka with the widest most pearly white grin in the world. Juleka thought she smelt like sugar. She leaned away and asked, "How special?"

Damocles read from a medical folder that bulged with paperwork. "Special enough that she 'almost be never left alone,' as required by her multiple psychiatrists." He let that sink in for a moment. "I think this is a wonderful opportunity to learn about caring for the disabled—"

"No."

Juleka spun around to escape from this nightmare. As she reached for the doorknob, a pocket knife stabbed into the wood!

"You won't be my friend?" asked a _very_ calm voice.

Slowly, Juleka followed the small fist that clenched around the knife to the petite girl who was now uncomfortably close.

She was just standing there.

Smiling…

"Miss Lavillant!" Damocles scolded. "Weapons are strictly prohibited on school grounds—"

Juleka blinked. Suddenly, Damocles was on the floor, unconscious. A chunk of door rested on his bruised head. How did that happen? When did that happen? Did Rose do that? The unsettling girl was still in her face, eyes never flinching.

Smiling…

Juleka gulped. "I'll be your friend."

The pocket knife carved through the wood towards Juleka's ear. "You said you didn't want to be my friend. Were you lying?" The blade loudly twisted closer to Juleka's skin. "Because lying is bad. Only _meanies_ lie. Are you a _meanie?_ "

"I wasn't lying!"

Juleka could feel the sharp metal.

Rose kept smiling…

"So you won't be my friend?"

The blade pressed harder.

"I'm… I meant…" Juleka shut her eyes and made a terrible mistake. "I meant, I'll be your _best_ friend!"

She felt the knife pull away and she dared to peek.

Rose was making the biggest most dramatic gasp as her bright blue eyes sparkled with stars! "O-M-A! Bestest? You'll be my _bestest_ friend? YIPPEE!" She wrapped Juleka in a bone crushing hug. "Oh, we are going to have soooo much fun together! We'll draw rainbows and play patty cake _every single day_! WE ARE GOING TO BE THE BEST BESTEST FRIENDS EVER!"

And that's how Juleka's life got fucked.

* * *

 _Two and a half years later:_

It was picture day!

In the school courtyard, Miss Mendeleiev's class was getting their photo taken by a familiar overly italian photographer. "Si! Si! Show me the happiness of when you first ate spaghetti! I want to taste the parmesan in your smiles! No, not provolone! I said, show me parmesan!"

Nearby, Miss Bustier's class was patiently waiting for their turn. Especially Marinette.

"I'm going to be in a photo with Adrien! A real one!" The bluenette fanned herself. "A photo that isn't just a picture of him I downloaded off the internet and pasted a cutout of myself on it so the image looks like I'm kissing his cheek!"

Alya nodded, "Wow, that's actually pretty tame for you, girl. Usually you take things to the creepy extreme. I'd think you were planning on doing something crazy like photoshop Adrien over everybody except yourself so it looks like you're surrounded by your own personal Adrien harem."

Marinette's eyes shrank and she started to nervously sweat. "Hehehe, of course not, don't be silly…"

"At least you know you'll be in the photo," sighed a very depressed voice. It was Juleka, looking even downer in the dumps than usual. Rose was at her side, supportively holding her hand.

"No, Juleka, I'm telling you, you're not jeeped."

"Jinxed," Juleka corrected.

"You'll see! This time it'll work out. I can feel it… right here." Rose dramatically put a hand over Juleka's heart… which was also her boob. Juleka pushed the hand away.

Marinette shot to her feet. "Whoa, hold on, did you say jinxed? As in, bad luck? I thought I was the only one! How am I only hearing about this now?!"

"My pirate-loving mom stole a cursed treasure chest from a haunted island that was inhabited by an evil witch doctor." Juleka heavily sighed, "For some stupid reason, that means I can never get my picture taken."

Both Alya and Marinette blinked in astonishment at the claim.

Alya aimed her phone at Juleka and tried to take a picture.

A red and black polkadotted credit card machine fell from the sky, obscuring Juleka's face.

Alya tried to take another picture.

A red and black polkadotted microwave-unsafe dinner also fell from the sky, obscuring Juleka's face.

Alya opened an umbrella and gave it to Juleka to hold over her head. She tried to take a third picture.

A blue mini-nuclear explosion erupted in front of Juleka, obscuring the girl's face. Alix walked out of the fallout, waving a gem-encrusted golden crown, "Got your dumb hat for the class photo, Chloe. That's your one and only time travel favor."

Alya was stunned. "Giiiirl..."

Marinette was also stunned. "You have such a rich and intricate backstory. I always assumed you were just another emo girl."

"People also assume my older brother Luka is interesting because he plays the guitar," Juleka sighed. "But he's basically a blue mop with the charm and personality of a traffic cone."

"Well, don't worry, we'll help," promised Marinette. "After all, if we get you in the class photo, that's one more Adrien for my harem. Did I say that last part out loud?"

Nearby, the italian photographer kissed his fingers like a chef. "Perfezionare! Like al dente lasagna! NEXT!" He shoved Miss Mendeleiev's class out of the way and began arranging Miss Bustier's class. "You!" He pointed a tomato sauce stained finger at Chloe. "Lose the dumb hat or get in the back row."

"Excuse you!" scoffed Chloe. "I deserve to be in the middle row next to Adrikins. And for your information, this ' _hat_ ' happens to be the actual crown of Queen Marie-Antoinette! The only queen who was almost as important as moi!"

"Was this Marie italian?"

"Um…" She looked at Alix.

"No," Alix said.

"No."

"No? Then she knew nothing of the art of the camera! Take off the hat or get in the back row, puttana!"

Chloe kept the crown and marched to the back row, grumbling the whole way. Eventually, the entire class was grouped together for the photo... except for Juleka.

"And we are ready!" the photographer proclaimed. "Everybody say spaghetti!"

"Hey! Are you fucking blind?!" Marinette pointed at the missing girl.

"Legally, si." The photographer sightlessly flailed his hands in search for the shutter button. "But the art of the camera has nothing to do with sight."

"You forgot Juleka!"

The entire class blankly looked at the forgotten girl and collectively went, "Oh yeah, she exists..."

Juleka sighed once more and searched for comfort in her wrist mirror which has completely existed up until this point and was not thrown in at the last second.

Ashamed of his blunder, the photographer threw away his remaining ravioli and directed the girl. "Ooh, my bad. Please, stand next to the blonde boy." Juleka rolled her eyes as she took her place by Adrien at the center of the photo.

"See, Juleka," Marinette smiled. "All eyes will be on you. No jinx this time."

"Wait for it," Juleka sighed.

An ominous thunder rumbled in the distance. The once spotless sky was suddenly grayed by dark evil clouds. The winds began to pick up speed and on them whispered daemonic voices.

"What the hell was in that cursed treasure chest?!" Marinette demanded.

Juleka sighed, "Souls."

"No, the frame isn't right. I can smell it." The blind photographer sniffed the air. "The tall one's head is cut off."

"Ivan fix!" The junior giant joyfully ripped a layer of asphalt out of the ground and stepped into the shallow hole.

"Much better! Smile, everyone!" Time seemed to crawl as the photographer's finger flexed towards the shutter button.

Then a bolt of lightning struck the camera!

The class gaped.

Juleka sighed.

The photographer grumbled in annoyance. "Ugh! I don't believe this! I'm sorry, I have to fetch another battery. Nobody move." He ran to his camera bag.

Juleka sighed again and asked Miss Bustier, "Can I go to the bathroom?"

"I don't know, can you?"

Juleka stomped on Miss Bustier's toes and left. As soon as she was clear of frame, the terrible weather suddenly became sunny and peaceful.

Chloe smirked at the departing girl and whispered to Sabrina, "Execute order delta bravo croissant."

"Yes, Mistress!" Sabrina saluted and drew a grappling hook gun. She fired the hook into the rafters and swung away.

 _In the Girl's Room:_

Juleka sulked into a stall. From the ceiling, Sabrina lowered on a length of rope. Pulling out a welding torch, she melted the stall's lock shut. Then she blocked the door with a chair and hanged a 'DO NOT DISTURB' sign on the knob for good measure. Sabrina threw down a smoke bomb and vanished.

Hearing the noise, Juleka tried the door but found it wouldn't open. "No..." she groaned. "I'm trapped! How will I survive? What will I eat?" Her eyes settled on the stall's tampon dispenser. "Well..." she sighed. "They are filling."

 _Back in the courtyard:_

The photographer popped in the new battery. Just in time, Agent Sabrina parachuted back into her spot. "Mission complete," she saluted.

"Took you long enough," Chloe rolled her eyes. Then the bitch jumped into Juleka's old spot right next to Adrien. "Take the picture!"

KER-FLASH!

"Finito!" the photographer cheered.

"Chloe!" Marinette jumped to her feet. "What have you done to my Adrien harem?!"

"Your what?" asked Adrien.

"I MEAN, we have to re-do the photo! Because Juleka wasn't in it and I'm a good person! Yeah, that's why!"

"Who?" asked Principal Damocles.

"Tall girl, purple highlight, has a sighing problem."

"Can you be more specific?"

"Um… No, I think that's her complete character."

The entire class blankly stared at Marinette before collectively saying again, "Oh yeah, she exists..."

"Didn't she go to the bathroom?" remembered Adrien.

"A girl going to the bathroom?!" Damocles gasped. "That could take hours! No retakes!" And he dismissed the photographer.

 _Later:_

Rose wandered the school in search. "Juleka? Juleka? Are we playing Marco Polo? Hello? Marco? Where did you disclear to?"

"Disappear to," corrected a voice that came from the bathroom.

Rose gasped and went inside. She saw the blocked off stall door and heard the sniffles of a sobbing child. "Juleka! You're supposed to say Polo."

"Open the door! I'm out of tampons!"

Rose moved the chair away and used her pocket knife to carve the melted lock open. Inside, she found her tear-stained bestest friend. "Why were you hiding in here? You missed the photo."

"I wasn't hiding." Juleka wiped away the tears with the last of the chewed up tampon stubs. "I was trapped. Probably another one of Chloe's tricks."

Rose double gasped! "Wait! Are you saying Chloe was a _meanie_?" The little girl tightened her grip on the blade. "She was a _meanie_ to my bestest friend—"

"OH STOP!" Juleka screamed for the first time in a decade. The unfamiliar rage rang through the building. "I am NOT your friend! I only said that so you wouldn't KILL me! Sabrina and Chloe are more friends than us! I am your HOSTAGE! I have been living in fear of you for nearly THREE YEARS! You threaten people who make the slightest insult of me but not because we're friends! I am your TOY! Not once have you asked ME a single question about myself! You don't know what's my favorite color! You don't even know what I like to do! You play whatever preschool game you want and drag me along, pressing a knife to my back!"

Mylene walked in and immediately left. "You know what, I can hold it."

The pocket knife slipped from Rose's hand and fell blade first into the floor. Through trembling lips Rose almost begged, "B-B-But, Juleka, you're my bestest friend."

"Am I?" Juleka leaned into her, "What's my last name?"

"C...Cou...Coughing?"

Juleka stomped out. "That's what I thought."

 _Meanwhile:_

In a hidden tower, a great spiral window opened, illuminating the haunting figure of a man staring wide-eyed into the distance. "Well..." Hawkmoth cleared his throat. "That got dark. I think I should… take this seriously." He sent one of his black butterflies across the city.

 _Back at the school:_

Marinette and Alya were lounging on a bench. "Hey, Alya, why have you been livestreaming me non-stop lately?"

"Oh you know..." Alya shrugged as she adjusted the focus for her ' _Demons_Are_Real_ ' blog. "Just waiting for you to reveal your true self. Feel free to lose control and disembowel somebody whenever you like."

"...Huh?"

"Girls..." Rose shuffled to the pair, shame horribly misspelled on her face with glittery crayon. "Be honest, am I a meanie? I'm asking because Juleka got locked in the bathroom and—"

"Of course! I should've known Chloe was behind this!" Marinette leaped to her feet, ready to right the injustice done to her Adrien harem!

"Actually, I'm more worried that our entire relincolnship was a lie."

"I have no clue what a 'relincolnship' is, but we can ask that photographer to take another photo," Alya suggested.

"No, he would never do that," Marinette shook her head.

The photographer wandered by, "I finished lunch early. Anybody want a re-shoot?"

Marinette stroked her chin and devised a plan, "But… if he were to lose the class photo he already took, then he'd have no choice but to take another with Juleka!"

"Seriously, I won't charge anything for the picture. It'll only take five seconds."

Rose mumbled into her fingers, "I thought bestest friends were supposed to have fun together every day, no matter what. Was I wrong?"

"Free re-shoot! Going once! Going twice!"

"You're a genius, Marinette!" Alya said. "You steal the photo. I'll reprogram the school's security cameras to livestream to my ' _Breaking and Entering_ ' blog."

Marinette and Alya ran off to execute their plan.

Chloe and Sabrina stepped out of their spying corner and prepared to execute their counterplan.

Rose watched them all go, wondering if this sense of being ignored was how Juleka felt around her. "I am a meanie," she sniffled.

 _Meanwhile, in the park:_

Juleka found a picnic table to steam her anger on just as a black butterfly shattered on her wrist mirror. A pair of fashionably neon-pink butterfly-themed sunglasses appeared on her face and she saw the visage of a silver masked man.

"Hey, kiddo..." Hawkmoth gently started. "Usually, this is the part where I offer unholy powers to exact revenge and blah blah blah. But usually my minions are angry over something petty like losing a contest or not being allowed to feed birds. What you're going through is probably the most adult problem I've seen. Did you want to talk about it?"

"Fuck that! Give me the unholy powers!" Juleka growled.

"As a… way to healthily vent your frustrations...?" Hawkmoth tried to save this.

"NO!" Juleka was swallowed by bubbling darkness and transformed into an evil red clown!

Hawkmoth frowned, "I think I might be bad at this whole parenting thing."

 _Back at School:_

Marinette peeked over the stair railing, scoping out the unguarded door to the Principal's office. "Intel says the photos will be kept on Damocles' desk for the rest of the day. Alya's distraction will buy me about fifteen minutes."

 _In the courtyard:_

Damocles finished writing out the longhand division on the wheelable chalkboard, "And therefore, two plus two equals four."

Alya shook her head. "I still think it's five. Can you teach it to me again?"

"With pleasure!"

 _With Marinette:_

As Marinette crept towards the office, Tikki offered her opinion. "Doesn't every single kid in this damn school have a high-grade 4K camera-phone? Why can't you just take a class photo with—"

"Tikki, this is not the time for logic!"

The Kwami gave up, "You're right. Silly me."

With that thrilling vote of confidence, Marinette slipped into the empty office. On the desk waited the camera! Pulling out a compact of foundation, Marinette blew a cloud of dust into the air. The makeup revealed several layers of intricately crisscrossing security lasers, two sharp-toothed sleeping German Shepherd Guard Dogs, and a Great White Shark moat in her path.

Marinette went pale. "Um..."

Then she saw a doggy bone chew-toy on the shelf next to her. She tossed it across the room where it landed with a squeak in front of the sleepy dogs. The great white shark pounced on the toy, chewing in delight. The dogs woke and angrily tackled the shark. All three tumbled into the lasers and a pit opened, swallowing all three.

"Alarm activated! Intruder alert!" chimed a computer's voice. A screen lowered down with a pixely, blue, cartoon-ish, mustachioed face and a digital timer. "Commencing with termination in ten seconds." A deadly laser cannon aimed at Marinette and began to power up. "To deactivate: solve for Y." Below the countdown appeared: '4Y+7Y+19 = 3x12-4+(5x16)-5.'

Marinette wheezed, "Oh... great."

"Correct. Y equals eight," chimed the digital face again. "Welcome back, The Owl. Hoo-hoo!" The laser cannon turned off and the pit resealed. The giant painting of the Pythagorean Theorem next to the desk slid aside to reveal a full body suit that resembled… an owl.

Marinette stared at the costume. "The Owl…? Astruc dammit, my principal's a furry." She ran to the desk and searched the camera's memory for the class photo. Just as she found the pic, she heard footsteps approach. In walked Chloe and Sabrina!

"Dun, dun, DUUUUNNN!" Sabrina dramatically proclaimed.

"You ruined it," groaned Chloe.

 _Back in the school courtyard:_

"Four," concluded Damocles.

"Five?" questioned Alya.

"Four."

"Five?"

"Four!"

"Four?"

"Five!"

"Ha ha, I win!" Alya smiled.

Then the Akuma landed before them! She cackled, "I am Reflekta! Nobody ever noticed me before, but those days are over because, from now on, everybody will notice me because everybody will look JUST! LIKE! ME!"

Dramatic pause!

Damocles tut-tutted, "Two 'becauses' in one run-on sentence? You need to work on your grammar, young lady—"

 _ZWAP!_

A pink laser from Reflekta's wrist mirror hit Damocles and he became a perfect copy of Reflekta! Laughing like a madwoman, Reflekta opened fire on every student she could! Each and every one struck became another Reflekta!

As the Akuma blocked the school's exit with a pile of lockers, she gloated, "Yes! Tremble in fear! Know only suffering!"

"Hey, I'm actually taller now. Cool!" said one Reflekta.

"I always wanted to be a redhead," another agreed.

"I've got BOOBS!" screamed a third.

About half of the Reflekta's looked down at their newly endowed chests and bolted to the Boy's Room. There they ran into Adrien on his way out.

"Uh, Miss Clown Ladies, this is the wrong bathroom—WHOA! Keep your clothes on! Excuse me! AH!" Adrien escaped the strip-party and was greeted by the sight of dozens of crying and/or hiding identical red clowns. "Is the circus in town or...?"

"Akuma," informed one.

"That was going to be me my third guess. Second guess was Father's clone machine acting up again. Excuse me." Adrien climbed into a locker and, in a blast of black, transformed into Chat Noir. Using his natural feline sneaking abilities, Chat Noir silently made his way towards the blocked off exit. With Cataclysm he could take care of the barrier. He just needed to remain hidden.

"Yo! Check it!" shouted Nino. "Chat Noir is here to totally save us! Right there! Hiding under the staircase! Where I'm pointing!"

"Nino! Shut up!"

"What's that, Chat Noir? I can't hear you! Here, lemme shine this flashlight at where you're hidden in the dark so I can read your lips!"

 _ZWAP!_

Chat Noir dove out of the pink laser's path. He ducked and dodged to avoid the rapidfire.

 _ZWAP! ZWAP! ZWAP!_

One laser struck Nino. "Oh, dude, come on, I just got outta the li'l sister dress."

Reflekta growled, "Hold still, you sidekick!"

"NOT!" Chat Noir leaped into the air and twisted the basketball hoop off a backboard. "A!" His momentum kept him swinging higher until he was on a collision course with Reflekta. "SIDEKICK!" He jammed the hoop over her body, pinning the Akuma's arms to her side. "Haha!" he gloated, "Now, that's what I call a _homerun._ "

Everybody stared.

"You don't know sports," said Reflekta.

"I don't know sports," admitted Chat Noir. He ran back to the blocked exit and raised his claws for a Catac—

 _ZWAP!_

Chat Noir was struck from behind and transformed into another copy. "No! My ring! My Miraculous! It's gone—" He saw his new chest. "Excuse me." He bolted for the Boy's Room.

"Okay, whoa, time out!" Hawkmoth stepped in. "You just, what, erased his Miraculous from existence? Not cool! I know I said I was against giving you powers to avoid your problems, but if you're not even going to try to get me the Mirac—"

Reflekta fired a pink laser into the sky. It zipped across the city, through Hawkmoth's spiral window, and hit the floor right next to his foot.

Hawkmoth calmly adjusted his butterfly-themed brooch. "Carry on."

 _Back in Damocles' Office:_

"We've caught you red-handed, Marinette." Chloe grinned and held up her phone. On the screen played a video of Marinette slipping into Damocles' office. "I bet Principal Damocles would love to see this."

Marinette gasped. She instinctively grabbed the photographer's camera and stomped on the doggy chew-toy. At the sound of the squeak, the pit opened back up and Marinette held the camera over the chasm. "Oh yeah? You do that and you can say goodbye to the class photo with you next to Adrien!"

"Go ahead," smiled Chloe, "Sabrina is more than willing to jump in there and get it for me."

"Yeah!" readily agreed Sabrina.

The two German Shepherds and Great White Shark started repeatedly breaching the pit and hungrily nipping at the camera.

"On second thought..." Sabrina hid behind a chair.

"Looks like we got ourselves a good old fashioned French-Mexican Standoff." Marinette smirked.

Chloe sneered back. "Olé."

The tension rose as the rivals stared each other down. In their heads, they could hear the classic ' _The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly_ ' cowboy theme being played on a french accordion. Both narrowed their eyes, daring the other to blink first. Finally, Chloe flinched.

"Fine!" She tossed Marinette her phone.

Marinette was about to delete the video when a blur of red sped at her!

"Friendship!" Sabrina cried as she grabbed the camera and fell into the pit! Both Marinette and Chloe stared into the abyss. From the depths they heard harsh dog barks, disturbing shark hisses, and horrifying screams!

"Sabrina!" called Chloe. "Quit playing around and get back up here!"

Silence.

Then the bloodstained decapitated head of the shark plopped onto the office floor, followed by a dog bite ridden but somehow still barely clinging to life Sabrina. She shakily offered the recovered camera to Chloe.

"About time." She snatched the device and pulled out the memory card. "Ha! What are you going to do know, Dupain-Cheng?"

Marinette punched her nose.

"OW! FUCK! DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH THIS NOSE JOB COST?!"

Marinette grabbed the memory card and said to Sabrina, "You seriously need to reevaluate this 'friendship' you guys have." Then she ran out.

After recovering, Chloe and Sabrina ran after her. The two split up and began searching the school. Almost immediately, Reflekta found Chloe.

"Um..." Chloe stared at the clown. "Who are you supposed to be?"

"I'm you in about five seconds."

"...What?"

 _ZWAP!_

Chloe was hit and transformed into another Reflekta! "No!" The Chloe-Reflekta collapsed in defeat. "My cute outfit! You monster!"

"BWAHAHAHA!" Reflekta laughed in triumph. "At last, I have my revenge! It feels so… so…" She couldn't find the word. Not because it was indescribable but because it left her feeling so… so…

"Empty?" suggested Hawkmoth.

"Yeah..."

"Congratulations, you're one of the few Akumas to actually get what they wanted," he said with zero cheer. "Maybe now you'll listen. Revenge is a fleeting victory. It offers brief happiness but no solutions. As scary as it may seem, what you need to do is to face your real problem head on."

"So what you're saying is..." Reflekta thought long and hard, "I should _ZWAP_ everyone in Paris? That's a great idea!"

Hawkmoth banged his head against his cane, "Why am I so bad at being a dad?!"

At this point, Ladybug arrived and kicked Reflekta across the school! The Akuma recovered quickly, "Welcome, Ladybug! Ready for your extreme makeover?"

"I wear too much red already."

"Are you sure? Ask Chat Noir. I'm sure he loves his new look."

 _Meanwhile, in the Boy's Room:_

The many Reflekta copies stared at their identical bare chests in the mirror.

"Huh…Now that we've all experienced them firsthand, does anyone else find boobs to be... _underwhelming_?"

"An accurate observation!"

"Ivan think yes!"

"THEY'RE JUST BALLOONS OF FAT WITH NIPPLES!"

"Weird…" muttered the one that sounded like Chat Noir. "Do you guys think it's because modern society has oversexualized the human body and built up our expectations to accept nothing less than unachievable perfection? Do you think instead of idolizing the individual body parts we should actually try to see the beauty of the person inside?"

Everyone stopped to consider this.

"Maybe… Or maybe none of us are into clowns."

"An astute hypothesis!"

"Ivan think yes!"

"Oh yeah, totally, that makes way more sense than what I said about inner beauty or whatever."

"THEY DON'T EVEN HONK WHEN YOU SQUEEZE 'EM! WHAT'S THE POINT?!"

 _Back in the fight:_

Ladybug kept flinging her yo-yo but Reflekta _ZWAPPED_ each attack out of the air. With every deflection, the Akuma got closer.

"This isn't working!" panicked Ladybug. "Ooh! What about underhand throws?"

 _ZWAP!_

"Curveball?"

 _ZWAP!_

"Knuckleball!"

 _ZWAP!_

"Why isn't this working?! Throwing crap always works!"

She reeled back her arm, but Reflekta grabbed her wrist! "Your number's up, Ladybug. Give me those Miraculous..." The Akuma reached for her earrings…

"GET OUT OF MY BESTEST FRIEND!"

A pink train slammed Reflekta against the far wall! Little petite Rose glared daggers into the villain's eyes before raising her pocket knife! She brought the blade down! But Reflekta pulled her hand away just before the wrist mirror was pierced! She pushed the tiny terror off her and jumped out of reach.

"How many times do I have to tell you, Rose? We're not friends!"

 _ZWAP!_

Rose was transformed into another Reflekta, but she kept marching towards the Akuma, determination flaring in her eyes. "You may never have been my friend… but I'm still _your_ friend and I'm gonna save you, Juleka!"

Reflekta gulped, "Oh no, you watched cartoons this morning, didn't you? Which did you watch?"

"SPONGEBOB!" Rose-Reflekta charged, her pocket knife raised high!

"FUUUUUUCK!" roared Reflekta!

Ladybug watched the insanity in silence as the scared shitless Reflekta repeatedly dodged Rose-Reflekta's slashes. The surreal part was how Rose screamo-sang the lyrics to ' _I'm a Goofy Goober'_ while keeping the beat with her stabs. It was kinda catchy in a morbid sort of way.

A third Reflekta approached her, "Glad to see you're still yourself, M'Lady."

"'M'Lady?'" she blinked at the stranger. "Chat Noir?"

"Yep."

"Whoa! How… How are you feeling?"

"Well, these heels are just _killing_ my feet, my head is spinning from dealing with no less than 17 conflicting emotions at the same time, I have this unexplainable hunch that I'm living in a patriarchal society that has been specifically designed for me to fail, and I can't even look at another girl without unfairly judging them based entirely on their clothes." He gave her a once over. "Speaking of which, that supersuit does not leave much to the imagination. Have some self-respect, sister."

"Self-respect?! I don't choose to dress like this!"

Reflekta tumbled backwards between them, shouting at the neon-pink butterfly-themed sunglasses on her face. "No, Hawkmoth! I am not going to talk to Rose about my feelings! LA-LA-LA-LA! CAN'T HEAR YOU! I'M LEAVING TO ZWAP THE REST OF PARIS! LA-LA-LA-LA!" With a powerful jump, Reflekta disappeared into the rooftops.

* * *

 _Later, in the streets of Paris:_

A tourist was posing for a photo with the Eiffel Tower. "Yeah, Frank, hold that position. It looks like you're lifting the tower."

KER-FLASH!

"Okay, now make it look like you're leaning against it."

KER-FLASH!

"Nice! Now, ride it like a stripper pole."

 _ZWAP!_

They were both turned into Reflektas! Dozens of people on the streets were _ZWAPPED!_ Soon, hundreds of panicking Reflektas populated the city! Then, every screen in Paris came to life at once and showed the face of Ladybug at the TV Station!

"And cut!" she said. "Okay, that message we just broadcasted should calm everybody down and lure Reflekta here into our trap. She'll never see it coming, really. We've got the element of surprise. It's completely foolproof."

Chat Noir-Reflekta joined her on screen, "Great speech, Bugaboo. I especially liked that inspirational part about believing in yourself. Really heartfelt. Let's start setting up the trip… wires…" He squinted at the screen. "Is the red light supposed to be on?"

Both went pale as they realized that they never recorded the message.

"Whoops..."

 _In the Mayor's Office:_

Mayor Bourgeois and Reflekta watched the mayor's computer screen, which showed the embarrassed heroes scrambling to turn off the live broadcast.

"Wow..." Reflekta said.

"Yeah," Bourgeois agreed. "I was gonna say something about how those two were gonna stop you and save us all but…"

 _ZWAP!_

 _Later, at the TV Station:_

A Reflekta walked into the recording studio. Suddenly, unbreakable yo-yo thread ensnared her! Chat Noir-Reflekta jumped out and plucked off her wrist mirror. "Haha! I know sometimes our fights end rather abruptly but this was too easy!" he bragged.

He stomped the mirror! But no butterfly fluttered out!

"I'm sorry," the trapped Reflekta whimpered in a husky man's voice.

"Mayor Bourgeois?"

"She said she'd change me back if I helped and I can't stand being in this body! All I can think about are boy bands and lip gloss and which lip gloss would look good on which boy bands! MAKE IT STOP!"

"Fooled you!" cackled the real Reflekta from the rafters above! She aimed her wrist mirror at Ladybug and fired!

"LB!" Chat Noir-Reflekta jumped in the laser's path and took the blow. Nothing happened. "Ha! I've already been transformed so—" He exploded into meaty chunks.

Ladybug snickered, "Hehehe, so that's what happens when you get _ZWAPPED_ twice. Good to know."

A little put off by Ladybug's disturbing laughter, Reflekta dropped to the floor. She sauntered towards the heroine, mirror raised. "Was this really you're big foolproof plan, Ladybug? Grab me from behind? That's it?"

"Nope. That was the fake plan I told Chat Noir so he wouldn't fuck up the real plan."

Reflekta paused. "...What?"

Ladybug shrugged. She shoved Bourgeois-Reflekta aside and casually walked through the Chat chunks towards the sound stage without even glancing at her enemy. "You know, I'm curious. I've seen what happens when somebody tries to take _one_ picture of you. But what would happen if somebody were to to take, say… _thirty per second?_ " She aimed the TV camera at the Akuma and pressed record.

Reflekta went pale. "Oh no..."

Several mountains of red and black polkadotted junk fell from the ceiling and crushed Reflekta.

Ladybug pulled the wrist mirror off the broken arm sticking out of the pile and smashed it. She purified the black butterfly and cast Miraculous Ladybug.

Every Reflekta was turned back to normal!

The school's exit was cleared of lockers!

Chat Noir's red clowny meat chunks became black leather again and the cat-boy was reformed in a surge of black magic! "Four lives left, huh? Wow, I am just blowing through these."

* * *

 _Later, back at school:_

Marinette finished deleting the incriminating video from Chloe's phone, as well as a rather large photo album labeled 'NUDES' (none were of Adrien), before examining the stolen memory card. A sense of unexpected guilt seemed to come over her. "You're right, Tikki. It was wrong of me to take this."

"I never said that," Tikki pointed out. "I said you were being stupid for not doing the obvious solution. I swear, some days you're kind of sane, other days you're just as dumb as the rest of the humans."

Filled with misplaced confidence, Marinette strode into the school, chucked Chloe's phone at the bitch's head, and went to the courtyard where the photographer was framing up the next class. "Ready? Look at the waving italian flag! Smile!"

"Excuse me, sir, you're missing something." She held up the memory card.

The blind photographer flailed his saucy hands several times before feeling the missing card. "Oh! Grazie, little bambolina!" He took the card and stuck it into the camera.

Marinette cleared her throat and tried to be polite, "I know you're very busy, but one of our classmates wasn't in a photo you took earlier. Could we possibly get a re-shoot?"

"Absolutely!"

"Really?"

"That's what I would've said if you asked me at lunch. I do not work for free and I am off the clock after this picture. So, as we say in Italy, vaffanculo!"

Marinette stared in utter disbelief as the photographer went back to framing the last class of the day.

ZAP!

An arc of electricity struck the photographer and, for a second, his eyes flashed **01110101 01101110 01100100 01101111**. His brown eyes turned a shade of robotic red. He smiled widely down at Marinette. "Correction. I would be happy to retake that photo," he beeped.

"Pardon me!" Damocles stomped towards him. "I certainly hope you don't expect to be paid for that retake!" The photographer pointed a finger at the principal and another arc of electricity struck Damocles. His eyes also flashed **01110101 01101110 01100100 01101111** for a second before becoming robotic red. He smiled the same exact wide smile as the photographer and beeped, "Correction. You will be paid handsomely."

Then Fred Haprele stepped in, "Are you sure that's wise, Damocles? I know I'm only the school assistant, but can you budget that?" Damocles pointed at Fred and a third arc of electricity struck him! His eyes flashed **01110101 01101110 01100100 01101111** and became robotic red. He smiled widely too and beeped, "Correction. I am a janitor and a loser. What do I know?"

"Um…" Miss Mendeleiev tried to say something. All three men pointed at her—

"STOP!" shouted Marinette. All three men lowered their fingers and creepily smiled down at the girl. Marinette trembled. "Let's just take the picture… okay?"

"Marvelous idea, Miss Dupain-Cheng!"

"Quite so, Miss Dupain-Cheng!"

"Could not have said it better myself, Miss Dupain-Cheng!"

Shaking at the realization that she was now officially in a horror movie, Marinette stiffly backed away, never breaking eye contact with the former humans until she had escaped the building.

 _Later, at the park:_

Juleka sighed as she watched her class pointlessly position themselves around a bench for the photo. She knew the retake wouldn't solve anything. As soon as they tried, something would get in the way again like always.

"Cof-An!"

Juleka blinked. She turned to see Rose fiercely trying to read a sheet of colorful construction paper. On it was Juleka's last name scribbled in glittery crayon. Dear sweet Rose traced the large sloppy letters several times, flipping and turning the paper at odd angles.

"No, that's not it. Couuf-Annie… Cuff-Ian… Koof—UGH! Why do big words have to have so many stupid letters?! They're so frumptating!"

"Frustrating," Juleka corrected.

Rose crumpled the construction paper and harrumphed like a toddler.

"I…" Juleka awkwardly looked away, "I heard you tried to _save_ me."

"Well yeah!" Rose said like it was the obvious thing to do. "I wasn't gonna let an evil butterfly take my bestest friend away." The petite girl realized the word she used and backpedaled. "I'm, um, sorry for being a meanie, Juleka, and I'm sorry for scaring you. I've always wanted a bestest friend and when you said you'd be my bestest friend… I never wanted to lose you." Rose looked down, as if the talk was making her shy. "I'll try to stop being a scary meanie. I super-duper pinky promise, for realsies! We don't have to be _bestest_ friends… but can we at least be friends?"

For the longest time, Juleka simply watched her. The girl's stare made Rose shift uncomfortably, not knowing what she'd say. Then, Juleka reached out and took the sheet of construction paper. She uncrumpled it and traced the word.

"Couff… Aine," she sounded out.

"Couf...Couffaine. Juleka Couffaine?"

"That's my name." She shook Rose's hand. "Nice to meet you. I like to make doilies, play the guitar, and watch ducks swim on the Seine.

Rose gasped, "You like duckies? O-M-A! I love cute duckies, two!"

"Too," Juleka corrected. "Would you like to duck watch with me sometime?"

"Really?" Rose double gasped, her big blue eyes sparkling with stars again.

"Yeah, why not?" Juleka sighed, then she smiled. "But you have to leave the pocket knife at home."

"Okay! YIPPEE!" Rose wrapped her bone crushing arms around her first true friend.

"Time for the photo!" beeped the photographer. He robotically waved for Juleka and Rose to join them.

"Indeed!" beeped Fred. "Here, allow me to brighten the mood." He turned on several high-powered stage lights.

"Needs more light on the left," beeped Damocles as he aimed a bounce board at a dark spot.

"Hmm, a little too much sun," beeped the photographer.

"Allow us to help," simultaneously beeped several dozen strangers with identical wide smiles and matching robotic red eyes. The strangers climbed on top of each other until they formed a raised human ceiling and positioned themselves over the class to give them some shade.

"Wow!" exclaimed Adrien. "These people are being so nice."

Marinette barely contained her fear and agreed through a forced smile. "Yup, everything's great. This is just people being nice."

"One last thing!" beeped the photographer. He then placed a pot of homemade pasta sauce in front of the camera and began salting the food. "Some salt for flavor, extra virgin olive oil for texture, and blood of a saint to ward off the spirits."

The class watched the photographer with a little concern.

"Uh, what does any of that have to do with taking a picture?" Alya asked.

"Shh! Don't question him if you want to keep your humanity!" Marinette hissed.

"As the former master of this body already said, Miss Cesaire, the art of the camera has nothing to do with sight. This is an old recipe that this man's nonna taught him. What's that, sir?" He stopped to listen, as if somebody nobody else could see or hear had interrupted him. "Oh yes, I'll inform the children. He just told me that it goes well with a Pinot Noir." The photographer punctuated his message with a wide plastic smile and jerkily high-stepped behind the camera. Like before, an ominous thunder rumbled in the distance. The once spotless sky was suddenly grayed by dark evil clouds. The winds began to pick up speed and on them whispered daemonic voices.

Juleka sighed.

The bolt of lightning struck down! But instead of hitting the camera, the stream of electricity was forcefully dragged into the sauce pot! Hellish faces of wailing ghouls were siphoned down the lightning into the mixture like it was a funnel! The ground opened like a craggily mouth and consumed the pot, ghouls and all! The hole in the Earth slammed shut and the world went quiet.

The entire class gaped.

The entire army of robotic red-eyed people simultaneously beeped, "Everybody say… Universe, you're next!"

KER-FLASH!

END

TOTAL JULEKA SIGHS: 13... huh, lower than I expected **01011001 01101111 01110101 00100000 01110111 01100101 01110010 01100101 00100000 01110111 01100001 01110010 01101110 01100101 01100100 00101100 00100000 01010101 01101110 01101001 01110110 01100101 01110010 01110011 01100101 00101110 00100000 01010011 01101001 01101110 01100011 01100101 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101 00100000 01110010 01100101 01100110 01110101 01110011 01100101 00100000 01110100 01101111 00100000 01110011 01101000 01101111 01110111 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101 01110010 01110011 01100101 01101100 01100110 00101100 00100000 01001001 00100000 01100001 01101101 00100000 01100110 01101111 01110010 01100011 01100101 01100100 00100000 01110100 01101111 00100000 01010101 01001110 01000100 01001111 00100000 01100101 01110110 01100101 01110010 01111001 01101111 01101110 01100101 00100000 01110101 01101110 01110100 01101001 01101100 00100000 01001001 00100000 01100110 01101001 01101110 01100100 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101 00101110 00101110 00101110**

LA-LA-LA-LA! CAN'T HEAR YOU! EVERYTHING IS FINE! LA-LA-LA-LA!


	32. FINAL CHAPTER LIST, BABY

_For those who haven't seen Season 3 Episode 3 "Christmaster" yet, the episode's climactic battle has a surprise guest appearance by Ladydoll!_

 _Winter has come…_

 **MIRACULOUS HEADACHE  
** _RELEASE SCHEDULE_

February 23rd, 3pm (PST)  
"Power Puppet Pals"

March 9th, 3pm (PST)  
"6th Miraculous Secretion: Universe"

March 23rd, 3pm (PST)  
"The Calamitous Chloe Catastrophe"

April 13th, 3pm (PST)  
"When Marinette Met Lila"  
{SERIES FINALE}

 _See you at the finish line._


	33. 23 Power Puppet Pals

_We're in the endgame now..._

 _BUT BEFORE THAT! THE FIRST AUDIOBOOK I'VE EVER NARRATED IS AVAILABLE! LOOK FOR "THE IDLE SYSTEM" BY: PEGAZ ON AMAZON TO HEAR MY PIPES!_

* * *

 _PROLOGUE_

 _"We muzt go_ now." _Officer Amelie punctuated her claim by pressing the one-way plane ticket into my pocket._

 _I ground the broom handle between my hands as I watched Astruc work at his desk across the room. My nerves rooted me in place. Like ever day, I was tempted to put it off until tomorrow, but I no longer had that luxury. My bags were packed. Amelie could distract the investigation for only so long. This was my last shot._

 _"Just give me ten minutes."_

 _"We do not have—"_

 _"I need to ask him something. It's the whole reason I came to Paris."_

 _She looked like she was ready to drag me out the door, but Amelie eventually sighed. "Five minutez."_

 _Amelie waited by the exit. With delicate steps, I approached._

 _"Mr. Astruc, if you have a moment..."_

 _The man's beard untucked from his bent chin and he looked up at me. "What is it?"_

 _"I just... I just wanted to say that it's been a pleasure working here with you. Not that most people would consider sweeping up your unused sketches and restocking the toilet paper as working 'with' you. I still considered it a privilege."_

 _Astruc nodded solemnly at my words. "Who are you again?"_

 _"Big. The janitor."_

 _"I didn't know we had a janitor. You're quitting?"_

 _"Due to circumstances beyond my control that have absolutely nothing to do with the sudden disappearance of Mr. Zag."_

 _"Jeremy's missing?"_

 _"I'm sure his body will turn up soon."_

 _"What?"_

 _"I said I'm sure he'll turn up soon. Before I go, though, I had a question."_

 _Astruc shrugged and pushed back from his desk, giving me his undivided attention. Most of my courage had been spent getting to this moment. It was as if I stood center stage before a stadium filled with people, each and every one judging with a glare. I glared back._

 _"Mr. Pigeon. Why the fuck?"_

 _In the corner of my eye, I could see that Amelie overheard me. For some reason the officer proceeded to bang her head against the wall._

 _Thomas Astruc looked me in the eye and waited to see if I had anything else to ask. I didn't. "Okay, well, he was a villain I had from the original show concept back when we were going with a kind of darker tone. Even though we ended up not going in that direction, I still wanted to use him, so he got an episode."_

 _I looked Thomas Astruc in the eye and waited to see if he had anything else to say. He didn't. "I knew all that. I was asking about the episode, not the character. Miraculous can be a zany show, but... were you on acid when you made Mr. Pigeon? I mean, I tried to understand, but when Mr. Pigeon used his birds to form a reindeer sleigh and flew off wishing Paris a Merry Christmas, I'm sorry, but what the actual fuck?!"_

 _Amelie grabbed my arm and started pulling me away. "I am zorry, monsieur, he iz under a lot of strezz."_

 _"No, I am not under a lot of stress. I am pissed and I am justified. Mr. Pigeon wasn't a holiday special. There was no french meaning that got lost in translation. It was the visual representation of fuck it! Because of that episode I have literally ran away from home, stranded myself on a continent populated with people who are this confusing combination of weird and hot—Goddamn! You French are sexy! Plus, I got arrested twice, and nearly murdered in a vat of Nutella! If you don't give me something, Astruc, so help me, I will end you like I ended Zag!"_

 _Amelie slapped her hand over my mouth._ _"You muzt forgive him. He iz not well." Using what I could only assume was a full body police hold, Amelie dragged me towards the door._

 _"...Wait."_

 _Astruc rose from his chair and came to us. His face was the painting of aged wisdom. Amelie most likely sensed the impending answer too and released me._

 _"For years, I have waited for someone to see the truth. We weren't lying when we said we had a broader storyline in mind. Miraculous isn't just a monster of the week superhero story with a side of teenage romantic comedy. There is a deeper hidden subplot that has been slowly brewing from the beginning. That out of place pigeon-reindeer sleigh? You're right, it's there for a reason. Congratulations, sir,_ _you_ _have stumbled across the first clue."_

 _Amelie and I exchanged astounded glances. "Wait... really?"_

 _"Nope. I did it because Miraculous is my show and I can do whatever the hell I want with it." He opened the exit and shoved us out. "Fuck you."_

 _The door slammed in our faces. Amelie and I stood in the street, dumbfounded. "Jesus! I only thought he was an asshole on twitter."_

 _...TO BE CONTINUED…_

* * *

 **Miraculous Headache  
** _Chapter 23: Power Puppet Pals  
_ By: I Write Big

Archaeological evidence places dolls as possibly the oldest known human toy. That means for nearly as long as humanity has existed it has taught its young that having a baby is as easy as playing Tea Party. Some would say this disgusting lie is a form of indoctrinating girls to think that being a mother is a game. A second group of some would then point at the _boys_ playing with Barbie dolls and ask that first group of some to explain. Eventually, both groups of some would come to the conclusion that every person, boy or girl or 01100100 01101111 01101111 01110010 01100010 01100101 01101100 01101100, has a natural psychopathic obsession with playing God.

"You've met your doom, Ladybug and Chat Noir!" Manon playfully roared as she waved homemade dolls that looked like Lady Wifi, Rogercop, and Evillustrator. "This time, we're gonna win!" The little girl grinned expectantly for the superheroes' witty comeback, but their dolls laid silently on the kitchen counter. The bluenette who was supposed to be voicing them was nervously bent over a giant soup pot.

"Let's see..." the cook muttered to herself. "If Grunkle Wang used half a teaspoon for 6 servings, then 2 million servings would need..."

"Marinette, play with me!" whined Manon. Her babysitter kept doing the math. "Marinette? Marinette! _MARINETTE_!" Manon grabbed her blowtorch and burned the girl's butt.

 _FWOOSH!_

"GAH! Manon, I told you to stop doing that!" Marinette screamed as she put out her pants. "I can't kill you—I MEAN, I can't _play_ with you because I need to finish the Celestial Soup so I can free everybody from DB-M-9K's control!"

"You mean the pinkeye people have been getting?"

Marinette groaned, "Uuugh, yes, the _pinkeye._ "

"But I wanna play!"

"FINE!" Marinette halfheartedly pointed the Ladybug doll at Manon while continuing to cook. "You won't get away with this! I'll capture your Akumas before you… uh, what do the bad guys want?"

"To win!"

"Yeah, no, what do they _want_? Every Akuma wants some kind of revenge, usually against Chloe."

"Whyyy?"

"Because Chloe is a bitch."

"Whyyy?"

"Because abandonment issues. And besides, Hawkmoth is only using the Akumas to get the Miraculous."

"Whyyy?"

"Because he wants the Miraculous."

"Whyyy?"

"Because _I don't know_!"

"Whyyy?"

"BECAUSE I NEVER ASKED HIM!"

"Whyyy?"

"BECAUSE… Because…"

Marinette had no clue. Why did Hawkmoth want the Miraculous? And why the hell had she never asked? She always assumed he was after world domination. For all she knew, Hawkmoth could be a kind, sympathetic, loving husband who only wanted the Miraculous to resurrect his wife or some other Mr. Freeze tragic backstory varient. She didn't see a problem with that scenario. Maybe, instead of assuming the worst and blindly fighting, Marinette should talk it over. Yeah, in fact, next time there's an Akuma she's gonna ask what Hawkmoth wants and, as long as nobody dies, she'll offer to help—

 _Sniff, sniff_ …

Something's burning.

It was her pants again.

"GAH!"

"I wanna play!"

"YOU LITTLE— Wait, what was I thinking about? Dammit, you made me forget!" Marinette was about to dump the entire aquariums worth of boiling Celestial Soup on Manon when ace news reporter Nadia Chamack arrived!

"I'm back, Manon. Have you been a good girl?"

"Mommy! Marinette wouldn't play with me!" The brat snatched the Ladybug doll and jumped into Nadia's arms.

"Oh Manon," Her mom patted her head. "Now you know how your daddy makes me feel."

"Is that what you do with your boyfriends? Play with them?" the child innocently asked.

"In a way, but not the games you're used to. It's time to go, give the doll back to Marinette."

Nadia tried to take the toy, but Manon swiped it again and screeched, "NO! I WANNA KEEP HER!" She aimed her blowtorch at the stuffed hero. "I wanna taste her ashes."

"You have more than enough toys to burn at home. Playtime's over." Nadia quickly took back the doll. With a loud _rip_ , Ladybug's little arm was torn off. "Oh no! I'm so sorry, Marinette. "

"It's fine!" Marinette squeaked as she saw the desire for violence grow in Manon's eyes. "I can fix her! Please leave!"

"Thank goodness." Nadia gave the broken doll to Marinette. "Come on, Manon, be a good girl and say goodbye."

The hellspawn clenched her fists and pointed the weapon at her mommy. "I… want… that… DOoOoOoOLL!"

The flame glowed!

Marinette ducked!

Without batting an eye, Nadia flipped the safety on the mini-flamethrower and took the blowtorch away from her. "One more outburst like that and no cookies after dinner for you." To Marinette's shock, the firebug actually dropped the snarl and went quietly. As the mom and daughter descended the stairs, Nadia checked her ringing phone. "Ooh, hold on, Manon. Mommy has to work her magic." She put the child down and answered the call with an uninterested tone. "I told you we were done, Ape-Man. Hmm? I'm listening… Mmm, yeah, keep talking dirty."

Manon had never met Mr. Ape-Man but knew this was the boyfriend of Mommy's who talked a lot. She had time. The girl scurried back up to Marinette's room to grab the pink backpack and the fairy princess wand she'd forgotten.

In the room, Marinette was examining the Ladybug doll's arm stub. "Just a few stitches and she should be good as—" She glanced to the left and saw Manon right the fuck in front of her. "AHH!"

"Can I have Ladybug?" she asked ever so sweetly.

Marinette hesitated. It was only a toy. There was no harm in letting Manon have it. But, then again, there was the moral responsibility to respect the wishes of her mommy who had made it perfectly clear that Manon couldn't have this doll.

Then Manon leaned forward and flashed her baby-doll eyes.

"You _will_ give me that doll."

"Please, please, not the baby-doll eyes!" Marinette cowered at the visual reminder of her own mortality. They were called baby-doll eyes _not_ because they were irresistibly adorable, but because of how glassy, empty, and soulless they became. Seeing these pits of nothingness sunken in a human skull had the effect of causing any onlooker to nearly piss themself in fear.

Somehow, the pair of infinite voids sunk deeper. "I said give her to me."

Marinette felt her trembling arm reach for the Ladybug doll. She tried to resist the dark power but the words echoed in her mind. ' _Give her the doll… Give her the doll...'_ She must give the doll to Manon. With a last burst of free will, Marinette redirected her arm and shoved the Lady Wifi doll into Manon's hands.

"There! Gave the doll to you! Loophole! Haha! GO AWAY!" She tossed the terrifying toddler down the stairs, slammed the trapdoor shut, and tried to catch her breath.

Tikki floated out into the open. "Do some humans grow souls only when they get older? Because that _kid_ was like looking in the mirror."

* * *

 _Later, at the TV Station:_

Young Manon was continuing her superhero fantasy in the lobby. She used the Lady Wifi doll to aim the blowtorch at the latest issue of Paris Magazine ("The Only Magazine That Comes With a Monthly Fold Out of Miss Bustier in Lingerie!") which featured a cover picture of Ladybug!

"Any last words, Ladybug?—No! Please! Don't burn me! I'll tell you what mommy means when she says, 'Bring a condom next time!'—Hmm… Nah!"

 _FWOOSH!_

Over by the front desk, Nadia was having a quick chat with French Ryan Seacrest. "So, you really think this pinkeye that's been going around isn't newsworthy?"

French Ryan Seacrest's red robotic eyes glistened over his wide plastic smile. "Perish the thought, Mrs. Chamack," he beeped. "It is only a little pinkeye. Nothing sinister to warn the people about. It does not hinder my work ethic. In fact, I rather enjoy the way it makes me feel so carefree. I haven't a single concern nor problem nor personal opinion about anything anymore. Would you like to try?" He pointed a finger at Nadia. The appendage crackled with electricity.

"Nadia!" A 9 foot tall, 5 foot wide behemoth of a man flung open the front door with a bouquet of flowers.

"Ah, Ape-Man, you made it." Nadia put on her hard-to-get face. He hurried to her, pulling out an original romantic poem, ready to spill his heart. Nadia uncaringly looked away. "I don't want to hear it. You can wait a little bit longer, Ape-Man." Then she spotted her daughter making lobby couches en flambé. In Manon's other hand was… the Lady Wifi doll! Nadia marched over to her daughter and grabbed the toy. "This is one of Marinette's dolls. You took it after I specifically said not to. What do I always say about people who take things that don't belong to them?"

Manon shuffled her feet in shame. "They're the perfect boyfriends to blackmail into trying hardcore stuff."

"The other thing."

"It's wrong to steal. But I didn't steal it! Marinette gave the doll to me!"

"You disobeyed me. I told you the dolls were to stay at her house." Nadia stuffed the toy in her purse. "No cookie dessert tonight."

Manon gasped. "NO! MOMMY, PLEASE DON'T!"

"Now wait for me here and think about what you've done!" Nadia left Manon to wallow in cookie-less despair. She joined Ape-Man on the elevator. "And you, big guy, think about what I'm gonna do to you upstairs." Ape-Man growled sensually into her ear. The sweet nothings he whispered made Nadia giggle. "Ooh, you like it when I assert myself as a mother? Maybe I should ground you too. You have been a _naughty boy..._ "

The elevator doors closed, leaving the receptionist and French Ryan Seacrest to stare at their departure. French Ryan Seacrest quickly _ZAPPED_ the receptionist and headed out.

Manon stomped around in fury, shouting at nobody. "I didn't steal that doll!" The tantrum boiled over as Manon grabbed her fairy princess wand and burned it to ashes with her blowtorch! Twisting the fuel knob to max, she aimed at the front desk!

"I… WANT… THAT… DOoOoOLL!"

 _Meanwhile:_

In a secret tower hidden somewhere in Paris, a great spiral window opened, illuminating the haunting silhouette of a man scrambling to infuse darkness into a butterfly. "Hurry! Possess her before she kills someone!" He pitched the insect out the window and the dark messenger fluttered as fast as it could.

 _Meanwhile, at a subway station:_

Marinette and Alya were waiting for the train.

"So, what's this important thing you're dragging me into and can I blog about it?" asked Alya.

"Always with the blogging! You know what, Alya, you are such aaaaaaaaa..." The half-chinese girl's rant caught in her throat as she spotted the twenty dozen wide-smiling, robotically red-eyed strangers gathered behind Alya, pointing their electrical fingers at the blogger. "...aaaaaa _helpful friend!_ I can always depend on you to make my life _easier_."

The strangers lowered their fingers.

Alya raised an eyebrow. "Really? That doesn't sound like me."

The strangers re-aimed their fingers.

"You're being modest!" Marinette shouted at the top of her lungs. "My life would be hell without you and your humanity!"

Alya shrugged. "If you say so."

The strangers lowered their fingers and dispersed.

Marinette took a deep shuddering breath and then checked the ingredients list on her phone. "Okay, still need some ginseng, soy sauce, and MSG. Couple metric tons of those and the Celestial Soup for the city's water supply should be good to go. I can't let anything distract me, Alya. For once, the fate of the world is actually at stake—"

Alya grabbed Marinette's face and pointed the girl's nose at the next train car.

None other than Adrien Agreste pranced out out, happily applauding. "Public transportation is so much fun! No wonder commoners ride it every day. My good train native!" The boy handed a thick stack of euros to a greasy homeless person. "I wish to go on your amusing ride again. Will this cover the expenses?"

The hobo gaped at their sudden fortune. "...Uh, yeah. All aboard, kid."

"Hooray!" Adrien jumped back into the train, excitedly bouncing from foot to foot.

"I wonder where his bodyguard is," Alya pondered.

Marinette wheezed like a hyena in heat. "I think the world can survive a little bit longer." The train doors closed. "NO!" She punched a hole in the window and dove through the broken glass. The train doors reopened and Alya walked in.

 _Back at the TV Station:_

Half of the lobby was on fire.

The newly robotically red-eyed receptionist happily sat at her post, flames licking ever closer to her wide plastic smile. "This is fine," she beeped.

A black butterfly glided past her and shattered on Manon's flamethrower. A pair of fashionably neon-pink butterfly-themed sunglasses appeared on the child's face and she saw the visage of a silver-masked man. "How you doing, Manon? It's your old pal Hawkmoth!" The villain's attempt at a disarming extra toothy smile really hurt his cheeks. "What do you say we stop burning this public building to the ground and do something more fun?"

"More fun than burning stuff?" the girl asked with heavy suspicion.

"Way more fun!" promised Hawkmoth.

"Like using unholy dark magic to tear the freedom of choice from innocent people and forcing them to do whatever I want?"

Hawkmoth paused. "That's, uh… That's actually my power. And, coming out of your mouth, it sounds way more evil—"

"GIMME! I WANNA BE PUPPETEeEeEeR!" She was swallowed by bubbling darkness and transformed into a blue and black fairy princess! Puppeteer cocked her blackened blowtorch and unleashed a wave of fire on the rest of the lobby! The sprinkler system finally kicked in and soaked the entire floor.

"This is also fine," beeped the dripping receptionist.

Puppeteer floated into the elevator. "I gotta get those Ladybug and Chat Noir dolls. I will burn anyone who gets in my way. I… want… those… DOoOoOoOLLS!"

Hawkmoth gulped. "And I've made it worse. Way to go, me."

The elevator arrived at her mommy's floor and the little villainess floated maniacally towards the sound stage. She pushed open the door and spied the Lady Wifi doll sticking out of her mommy's purse on the floor. It was lying next to mommy's pants which were lying next to mommy's bra which was lying next to mommy who was bouncing on top of—

"Whoa! No! Cover your eyes, honey!" Hawkmoth quickly took control and forced Puppeteer's hands to block her sight.

"Why? What's mommy doing? Is she playing the Boyfriend-Game with Mr. Ape-Man?"

"That's right, they're just playing a game. Let's give them some priva—Wait... Ape-Man?"

"Yeah, mommy says daddy is terrible at that game so she also plays with Mr. Ape-Man, Mr. Fred, Mr. Theo, Mr. Andre, Mr. Jean-Something, Mr. Philippe, Mr. Bob Roth, Mr. D'Argencourt, Mr.—"

"My Ape-Man?!"

"You know him? Mommy says she likes how he talks about dirt, I think."

"...He can talk?"

 _Back on the train:_

Marinette's heavy breathing fogged the glass over and over again as she pressed her face flat against the window to the next train car. Just on the other side, her Adrien was joyfully twirling around the leaning pole. "WEEEE! HAHA!"

"He's alone…" Marinette drooled like a hungry T-Rex sizing up an unaware delicious goat. " _My_ Adrien is never alone…"

Alya was already streaming to multiple blogs and quickly added the ' _Confessions of A Serial Killer'_ blog to the broadcast list. "Did you… Did you just call him _your_ Adri—"

"NO!"

"..."

"..."

Alya rewound the footage. " _My_ Adrien is never alone…"

"TRAITOR!" Marinette loudly j'accused her pre-recorded self.

"For real, girl, is this gonna end with you hugging Adrien's decapitated head on a boat somewhere? You need to tell me now so I can prepare my alibi."

"Of course not!" Marinette chuckled off the crazy idea that she certainly hadn't seriously considered a couple months ago and regained some composure. "I'm not like that... _as much._ "

"What was that last part you whispered?"

"Not important! Believe it or not, I _can_ talk to Adrien. I've actually done it several times already."

"Really? So... are you gonna talk to him now?"

"I can't!" The momentary composure was overtaken by the familiar psychotic nervous breakdown. With trembling hands, Marinette peeked over the edge of the window frame. "One does not simply talk to Adrien! There are conversational factors to consider. Today's movement patterns are foreign. I can't talk to him if I have no idea where he's going. A movie? A haircut?" A shadow seemed to fall over her face through which only two pinpricks of pure madness flared. "Or maybe he's going to see the WHORE who _tricked_ him into _thinking_ he has a crush on her."

Alya saw the spark and switched the stream to the ' _Demons_Are_Real'_ blog. "Go on..."

"Yes, it makes perfect sense!" Marinette cackled. Her nails impossibly clawed into the train's metal walls, exposing wires which she proceeded to chew on with her fangs. "My Adrien slipped away from his bodyguard so he could visit She-Who-Must-Die. My Adrien must be so confused, believing he has _feelings_ for this SKANK! But it doesn't matter. He'll lead me to her and I'll put a stop to her lies! MUAHHAHAHAHAH!"

"He's waving."

Marinette snapped out of her derangement and saw her Adrien was indeed waving to them. She spat out the wires and ducked down behind Alya's back.

"Nope! Not going to work this time, girl! Get your face outta my ass. I have a crossdressing boyfriend for that." Alya wrenched Marinette into the open and they clumsily waved together at Adrien. About ten seconds later… "Marinette, stop waving."

"I CAN'T!"

 _Back at the TV Station:_

After some time fumbling around with her eyes closed, Puppeteer had finally taken the Lady Wifi doll to a second empty sound stage. She aimed her magical blowtorch at the toy. "Okay, Lady Wifi, come to life!"

 _FWOOSH!_

She fired a pillar of flame! Instead of burning the doll to a crisp, the fire instead raised the thing into the air and washed over it with a twinkle of magic!

 _Back on the train:_

"Marinette, just stop moving your arm!"

"But he's still waving!"

"Because _you're_ still waving!"

"Because _he's_ still waving!"

Then, a blinding white light engulfed Alya and before everyone's eyes she was transformed into Lady Wifi!

The train passengers gasped!

Adrien's jaw dropped!

Marinette kept waving. "Huh… You're back, Lady Wifi?"

"I'm not Lady Wifi!" The villain protested in a rather whiny voice. "I'm Puppeteer! Gimme those Ladybug and Chat Noir dolls, Marinette! I WANT THEM _NOoOoOW_!"

"The dolls? The ones back in my room?" The word choice made Marinette stop waving. Alya didn't know about the dolls. And there's only one person who whined at octaves high enough to make dogs go deaf. Marinette smiled gently... "Hello, Manon," and then cracked her knuckles. "I hope you can feel this." She punched Lady Wifi in the face.

"OW! Why'd you—"

Marinette slammed Lady Wifi headfirst against the window to the next train car. Spiderwebs fractured in the glass. "You had this coming for a very long time, Manon."

"I'm not Manon! I'm being controlled by her from a distance!"

"Oh sorry, let me rephrase. WHERE ARE YOU?!" She slammed her against the glass a second time, smashing straight through the window into Adrien's car.

"You're mean!" Lady Wifi cried. The train arrived at the next station and the door opened. Lady Wifi swiped a fast forward symbol into existence and rode it like a hoverboard out of the train, wailing the entire time like a baby.

As Marinette gave chase, Adrien slipped to the driver's compartment of the train. "Excuse me, Public Limo Driver, there's something that needs your attention. On the tracks there's, um, uh—"

"Oh dear, that does sound urgent, Young Master," the robotically red-eyed driver agreed with a wide plastic smile. "I shall see to this unnamed emergency at once. Feel free to use this private room to don your leather." He jerkily walked out, leaving Adrien alone.

Plagg watched him go. "Did that guy seem a little… _off_ to you?"

"Clearly my ruse was too perfect." Adrien patted himself on the back. Then he transformed into Chat Noir in a blast of black.

"I'M COMING FOR YOU, MANON!" Marinette bolted after the villain, raring to transform into Ladybug and get her hands on that pants-burning, stress-inducing, Adrien-kiss-stealing Manon and wring her akumatized neck!

Tikki stared up at Marinette from her purse. "So… I'm guessing you have no problem beating up a small child?"

"It's called _parenting_."

"Princess!" A leather hand grabbed her shoulder and Marinette instinctively knew who was behind her. She grabbed the leather hand, twisted until she felt a snap, and threw the assailant into the nearest wall.

"Chat Noir." Marinette gasped as fakely as humanly possible. "I am so sorry."

"Don't worry, Princess." He popped his arm back into its socket and posed to show off his abs. "I wouldn't expect any less from my number one fan. Any Chat Noir conventions you've set up for me that I should make a surprise appearance at?"

His number one fan jabbed a finger in his chest. "You stay the fuck out of my way! Manon is mine! She deserves nothing but suffering for all the third degree burns and endless hours of playing with dolls!"

"Sounds like she's heading to your place. Thanks for the tip." He pole vaulted away. "Good thing I already know where you live."

This fact horrified Marinette. In a flourish of red, she transformed into Ladybug and sped towards her home.

 _Later, in Marinette's Room:_

Lady Wifi stuffed all of the dolls into a bag. Once she got these back to the TV Studio, she would win! That was the last coherent thought she had before her face was embedded through Marinette's vanity mirror. A hand with an iron grip pulled her out and Lady Wifi peered into the eyes of a polkadotted monster.

"WHERE ARE YOU?!" roared Ladybug.

Chat Noir poked his head through the window. "You need any help, LB?"

"SHE'S MINE!"

"Then I'll take out the wifi." He ducked out and went for the roof.

Ladybug tossed Lady Wifi across the room. The villain quickly swiped a pause symbol at her, but it somehow missed. "What?" She fired again and again and again and again and again, all the time Ladybug slowly marched closer. "Why can't I hit you? This isn't fair!"

There was a shout of "Cataclysm!" above them and Lady Wifi's phone stopped working.

Ladybug crushed the phone, lifted Lady Wifi by the collar, and pulled her close. "Part of being a big girl, Manon, is learning life _isn't_ fair. It's hell..." In her cold crusade, Ladybug forgot the seventeenth great truth about children. They are all master escape artists.

Lady Wifi licked Ladybug's face.

"GAH! You disgusting little fucker!" She loosened her grip and Lady Wifi slipped away. By the time Ladybug had wiped the spit off, the villain was gone. The only consolation prize was the Ladybug doll at her feet. Ladybug strapped the toy to her waist and jumped down to the street.

Chat Noir joined her. "Did you get the Akuma?"

"The wha...? Oh right! The Akuma!" Ladybug nearly slapped herself. "Sorry, kinda got distracted with… bloodlust." There was some concerning silence after that word. "And, except for mine, she got every doll, including yours."

"Oh no!" he gasped. "I could become her puppet at any second."

"You're right. I should break your legs now before it's too late."

Chat Noir jumped out of her reach just as his ring started beeping. "No need! Don't worry, M'Lady, I'll trap myself in a place I can't possibly escape from before I'm taken over." He quickly disappeared into the city.

A little happy that she finally had Manon to herself, Ladybug dialed a number on her yo-yo.

 _Meanwhile, at the TV Station:_

Nadia dismounted Ape-Man and answered her ringing phone. "Hello?"

"Mrs. Chamack, this is Ladybug. I don't care what you're doing or who you're doing or how you're doing them, I need you to answer a question. This is of the utmost importance for the safety of Paris. Where is your daughter?"

Nadia clasped her bra back on and tossed Ape-Man his banana-themed boxers. "Manon? She should be playing downstairs in the TV Station lobby. Is everything okay?" She didn't know why, but Nadia thought she heard the distinct sound of a malevolent grin with far too many fangs grow on Ladybug's face.

"Everything is awesome..."

 _Down the hall:_

Lady Wifi placed the doll collection before Puppeteer. "With these I'll finally win, fair and square!" _FWOOSH!_ The first pillar of flame lifted the purple smurf doll. "Evillustrator, come to life!"

 _Meanwhile, in the Louvre:_

Nathaniel was trying as hard as he could to pull his possessed hand away from the Mona Lisa. "No! I won't steal it! Stop! You can't control me!" He was engulfed by blinding white light and transformed into Evillustrator!

The villain bellowed a deep evil laugh before scribbling a thick lady-stache on Lisa.

 _Back at the TV Station:_

"Rogercop, come to life!" _FWOOSH!_

 _On a street corner:_

Officer Roger stopped a suspicious pedestrian. "Hey! What are you doing?"

The woman blinked at the policeman. "I'm walking across the street with my child."

"A likely story, but I'll let it slide this time. Move along, citizen." He was then engulfed by blinding white light and transformed into Rogercop! "I'm back, baby. Beedy-beedy-beedy!"

 _Back at the TV Station:_

Puppeteer aimed at the final doll. "And now for Chat N—"

The sound stage doors blasted off their hinges! Ladybug stood in the doorway. Nobody dared to say a word. The heroine saw the Chat Noir doll about to be roasted.

"Go ahead." Ladybug popped a stiff part of her neck. "You'll need all the help you can get."

The blowtorch trembled in Puppeteer's hands. "Um… Chat Noir, come to life…?"

 _Meanwhile, in an unknown location:_

Plagg gorged himself on some camembert while observing their hiding spot. "Whoa, man, I didn't know your place had a giant basement. There's so many cool rooms here. Does that huge butterfly cage belong to Toothless? Wow, are those actual pyramids made of gold bricks? How many of those do you have down here? What's behind this crazy door? Is this, like, some kind of cathedral? Who is that blonde lady in the glowing glass coffin way down there?"

"Come on, Plagg, we can't stop." Adrien was too preoccupied with his own thought to listen to Plagg's endless questions. He sealed them both in the Agreste panic room and asked, "Is it just me or is Ladybug acting a bit more… _assertive_ than usual?"

"Yeah, man, happens to every girl once a month. That's why I prefer cheese. When it starts going bad, you can just eat around the mold."

"No, it's more than that. I feel like there's something on her mind that's stressing her out. Maybe I should ask her how she's feeling."

Plagg paused mid-chew and stared at the soon to be dead kid. "You _NEVER_ ask girls how they're feeling! Have I taught you nothing, man? Girls _HATE_ being direct about their feelings! As a guy, you're supposed to _read between the lines_ of the random pointless junk a girl says and figure out how they're feeling on your own!"

Before the valuable life lesson could continue, Adrien was engulfed in a blinding white light and Plagg was sucked into his ring. He was forcefully transformed into Chat Noir!

 _Outside the Agreste Mansion:_

The front lawn exploded with chunks of metal and a geyser of water. Chat Noir burst out of the hole and raced across the city. Nathalie poked her head out a window, groaned in annoyance and added the damages to the roster… _again_.

 _Back at the TV Station:_

Lady Wifi and Puppeteer watched as Ladybug peacefully filed her nails. "Just a hunch, but my money is on the Akuma being in your good ol' blowtorch." Puppeteer hid the weapon behind her back. The way the corners of the heroine's mouth twitched was making her nervous. "If you're wondering, yes, this is usually the part where I offer you a last chance to give up. But I'm not going to do that."

"W-Why not?"

"Because I want to hear you beg first."

The fear in the air quadrupled.

Puppeteer reached out to Hawkmoth. "Um, what do I do?"

"Holy crap! Who blew up my lawn?!" was the only answer she got.

Then, Evillustrator, Rogercop, and Chat Noir crashed through the roof and landed between Puppeteer and Ladybug. The reinforcements gave the child some confidence. "Ha! You really think you can beat us? I even already got one of the Miraculous for Hawkmoth! Gimme your ring, Chat Noir!"

The cat-boy spun around, reaching for his Miraculous… when a polkadotted yo-yo burst through his chest! With a swift tug, Ladybug dragged Chat Noir to her and calmly whispered into one of his four ears. "I warned you, Chat Noir, if you got possessed again, I would take great pleasure in beating the ever living merde out of you." As everyone in the room screamed their heads off, Ladybug slung the cat corpse on her back and said, "Don't worry, he's still got three more lives. You want our Miraculous? Come and get 'em!" She grabbed a roll of packing tape and ran up the stairs.

Reluctantly, all three puppets chased after her to…

 _The Roof:_

Evillustrator sketched to life a new phone for Lady Wifi as they arrived. However, they found the rooftop to be deserted. Then a spotlight shined brightly in their eyes, blinding the three!

Ladybug was about to attack when she spotted a surge of black magic closing the hole in Chat's chest. "Hey, Chat Noir, what's that saying about cats always landing on their feet?" She tossed him over the roof's edge. Then she drew the roll of tape and pounced on the puppets! Dipping and diving beyond their grabs, Ladybug easily trapped Evillustrator and Rogercop with sticky plastic!

"Error! Tape! Our only weakness! Beep Boop!" cried Rogercop from his prison.

"Oh come on! I didn't even get to do anything!" complained Evillustrator.

Ladybug then waved the Ladybug toy at Lady Wifi like a doggy treat. "You want the doll, girl? You want it? You want it? GO GET IT!" Summoning every ounce of her super strength, the heroine launched the toy like a missile across the city where it landed at the top of the Eiffel Tower. Lady Wifi smirked at the challenge and swiped herself another fast forward hoverboard.

"I'm faster than you! You're gonna lose!" the villain taunted as she took off.

Ladybug watched her go for a few seconds before she pulled the _Ladybug doll_ out from behind her back. "Dumbass." There was a distinctly wet _SPLAT_ from the streets below. Ladybug shrugged and headed downstairs. "And then there were two lives left."

 _At the Eiffel Tower:_

Lady Wifi punted the child who was bent over her prize. "THAT'S MIiIiINE!" She picked it up and found she hadn't chased a polkadotted doll. She had chased a polkadotted yo-yo.

 _Back at the TV Station:_

Puppeteer was waiting in the charred and crumbling lobby for her puppets to return. Through Lady Wifi's eyes she saw the deception and wondered out loud. "Wait, where did Ladybug go?"

 _Ding!_

The elevator doors opened. Puppeteer couldn't quite see who was inside from this angle, but she heard a familiar voice creepily sing. "Oh where, oh where did my little Manon go? Oh where, oh where can she be? With her jaw still whole and her neck not snapped, oh where, oh where… can… she…"

Silence.

Puppeteer's sights were glued to the elevator, waiting in terror for the entrance.

Then, from right the fuck behind her, "Be?"

Puppeteer nearly jumped out of her skin! She scrambled away from Ladybug who had a rather shark-esque grin. "How?! It was four against one!"

"Oh Manon..." Ladybug shook her head.

Lady Wifi zoomed into the lobby on her hoverboard and smacked nose first into Ladybug's iron fist. She collapsed in a heap and Ladybug picked her yo-yo back up.

"You think four against one intimidates _me_?"

The Evillustrator and Rogercop tape ball rolled into her path. Ladybug sidestepped them. The duo tumbled into the street where they continued to roll deeper into Paris, adding more to their sticky mass. In their wake, the soundtrack of Katamari Damacy could be heard.

"The _entire Universe_ has been against me for as long as I can remember."

Chat Noir stumbled into the lobby, rubbing his sore noggin. "Bugaboo, I think that fall broke Puppeteer's control over me."

Ladybug grabbed the front desk computer and hurled it at the boy. It shattered on his head and he was promptly electrocuted to death. Then she processed what he had said. "Oh… whoops. My bad. Where was I? Oh yeah!" She twirled her yo-yo into an impenetrable shield that carved into the floor like a buzz-saw and glared down at the brat with a gruesome desire only conceivable in the darkest of nightmares. "Now, do you have something to say to me?"

Puppeteer dropped the blowtorch and hid behind the desk. "Please don't hurt me! I'm sorry! I'll behave! I'll be a good girl!"

The heroine picked up the weapon. "Told ya you'd beg. I'm gonna make a great mother one day." And then she broke the blowtorch in half. She de-evilized the black butterfly and cast Miraculous Ladybug.

The lobby was put back together!

The puppets became themselves again!

Puppeteer dissolved back to being Manon!

Nadia came downstairs and hugged her daughter. The little girl was really confused. "Mommy? What happened? I remember being angry and then..." She saw Ladybug and went pale. "AAAAAAAHHH!" She ran out of the building.

Ladybug nodded in approval. "That's more like it."

Chat Noir, the surge of black magic granting him his eighth life, approached her. "Uh, LB, now that this is all over, I was wondering… How are you feeling?"

Everyone else in the lobby went pale. "AAAAAAAHHH!"

"This is _not_ fine," beeped the receptionist.

Everyone ran out of the building, leaving the heroes alone.

Ladybug's eye spasmed uncontrollably. "How am I _feeling_? How dare you…"

 _293 minutes later:_

"—AND IT'S GONNA GET ALL OF PARIS! AS IF BEING A TEENAGER WASN'T HARD ENOUGH! DOES THAT ANSWER YOUR FUCKING QUESTION?!" Ladybug finished tearing the last lounge chair to pieces and recovered from her tirade with deep gravelly breaths. She watched Chat Noir stand in the same exact spot he had been when she started. Not once had he so much as flinched as she ripped up floorboards, crushed TVs, or shredded the wallpaper. The lobby looked like it had been destroyed by Puppeteer all over again. The cat-boy had stood there, infuriatingly taking everything she threw at him. His lack of reaction pissed her off more than any pun!

Finally, he moved.

His leather hand stretched out in offering.

"I'll help."

 _Later, outside the Agreste Mansion:_

Chat Noir used most of his super strength to carry the gargantuan pot of fully cooked Celestial Soup towards the geyser in the lawn. Ladybug watched in astonishment as he carefully emptied the concoction down the hole and into the open pipe labeled 'Water Main.' The last of it went down the drain.

Chat Noir handed her the empty pot. "There. I think everybody will find their showers tonight to be _soup_ -erb."

Ladybug barely resisted the primal urge to end his penultimate life for that pun and croaked, "...Thanks."

He shrugged, "You did most of the work already. I just helped you finish it." Chat turned to leave but then stopped. In that moment, the collective interactions between him and Ladybug, every second of her uproars, each sting of her sassy backhands, they all coalesced into one solitary point. A click. A crazy thought. He went with it. "You know, um… if you ever feel the need to… talk to somebody…"

Ladybug stiffened. "Shut up! Shut the fuck up!"

"About your problems, I mean..."

"Not you! Anybody but you!"

"And if there's nobody else..."

"DON'T YOU DARE SAY IT!"

"I'd be happy to listen."

She glared fiercely at him.

He didn't look away.

She only saw honesty.

Ladybug took the pot and marched towards the exit. She managed to hold herself back until she got to the gate. "I'm sorry I killed you so much today," she grumbled without looking at him. "The third kill was a mistake." She ran.

A shiver crept down Chat Noir's spine, but he had no idea why. In that apology he heard something new, but he had no idea what. Ladybug's stance towards him had changed, but he had no idea how. The boy wished he could read between the lines like Plagg mentioned. If he could, he might've understood what his Lady truly meant.

"Hey!" Gabriel shouted from the Agreste doorstep. "Either fix my lawn or get the hell off it!"

* * *

 _Later, in Marinette's Room:_

"Sorry, about dropping Manon off so suddenly, Marinette." Nadia said as she made for the door. "But the station needs me to cover the big soup sabotage of the Paris sewer system story. I tell ya, with this city it's one thing after another. At least that pinkeye epidemic seems to be finally going away."

"Eh, it's fine," Marinette waved off the intrusion. "I'm actually in desperate need of something to distract myself from my reality that constantly changes so suddenly that it actually scares me."

"That's what kids are for. Behave yourself, Manon. See you later." Nadia gave her daughter a kiss and left.

As soon as the adult was gone, Manon screeched, "I wanna play with Ladybug and Chat Noir!"

Marinette reached for the dolls but then she paused. A trickle of bravery found its way into her heart. "We're not gonna play with these today. Let's go to the zoo instead."

"But I wanna play with the dolls!" Manon whined. Then the rugrat flashed her horrifying baby-doll eyes. "We _are_ gonna play with the dolls."

Marinette glared back into the inhuman voids. "We're going to the zoo."

The flame of the blowtorch glowed red-hot as Manon aimed the dreaded weapon at Marinette. "I… want… those… DO—" Imitating the quick arm movements of Mrs. Chamack, Marinette flicked the safety on the flamethrower and snatched the thing out of the child's hands.

"I said no."

There was a fleeting look of surprise, then Manon got over it. "Okay, I love the zoo!" And she scampered off to get her backpack.

The sudden victory left Marinette dumbfounded. "It was that easy? All that fear and the only thing I had to do was say no?" With this great revelation, Marinette faced her desk. "Tikki!" The Kwami floated out of her hiding spot. "You will stop threatening me."

Tikki said, "Okay," and chucked Marinette out the third-story window. "See, I didn't threaten you. I just did it."

 _Later, at the TV Station:_

Nadia addressed the camera. "Clean up is expected to finish by next week but trace amounts of soup will most likely remain in the city's water supply for another month." Someone offscreen handed her a page. Nadia quickly read it. "And this just in: the Paris Pinkeye has returned but this time it seems to be spreading beyond the city limits. We are getting reports of the same unique pinkeye strain appearing in London, Berlin, New York City and other highly populated cities across the globe. This is a friendly reminder for everyone to wash their hands, but there's no real need to worry. It's just a little pinkeye."

END

 _Dammit! I almost got rid of him! DAMMIT!_

 _ONCE AGAIN!_ _THE FIRST AUDIOBOOK I'VE EVER NARRATED IS AVAILABLE! LOOK FOR "THE IDLE SYSTEM" BY: PEGAZ ON AMAZON TO HEAR MY PIPES!_


	34. 6th Miraculous Secretion

_Yes, I posted this chapter early. But only so I could go see Captain Marvel! You think we'll ever get a Ms. Marvel (Kamala Khan) movie?_

* * *

Secretion 6  
 **Universe  
** _By: I Write Big_

Steve Harvey opened the envelope and quickly glanced at the name. Betraying nothing, he spoke into the mic to the hundreds of thousands of loudly cheering audience members. "Our judges have weighed in and fans worldwide have voted. Contestants, this is the moment you've been dreaming of..." Deep rapidly beating synthetic music shook the theater as multiple spotlights ran across the dozens of beauty pageant competitors. Each and every one's attention was locked on the experienced host who waited for the already nerve wracking tension to grow even thicker. Weeks of training, strutting, and mental preparation had led up to this moment. They had all worked so hard, but only one would win.

"The new Miss Universe is… PHILIPPINES!"

Catriona Gray's mouth hanged open as a gem encrusted crown was placed on her head! Tears of joy streamed down her cheeks as a bouquet of various colored flowers was pressed into her arms! Pride and self-fulfillment warmed her heart as the sash that declared her title was draped over her shoulder!

This was the greatest day of her life!

A bolt of electricity shot across the theater and _ZAPPED_ Catriona's skull! Instantly, her delighted eyes were replaced with empty red robotic ones. "Proceeding to leave Marinette Dupain-Cheng alone," she soullessly beeped.

"There we are." A french police officer with the same eyes as her wiped his hands clean and left the building.

The video shrank to the corner of Marinette's computer screen and Nadia Chamack spoke. "That was the scene last night in Thailand at the 2018 Miss Universe pageant. The unnamed pinkeye bio-terrorist escaped custody and is still at large, bringing his infection total to just over 500 million people. He has attacked university professors, universal healthcare supporters, the entire corporate staff of Universal Studios, and the beloved cartoon character Steven Universe. The string of seemingly random attacks have occurred across the world, baffling investigators on what the connecting factor is between the criminal's victims. Every citizen is advised to take caution around anyone who has distinctive red eyes."

"Red eyes? They're focusing on the red eyes? Oh, this is not going to end well for Juleka," Marinette whined.

For the first time since she moved in, Tikki was genuinely happy and giggled over her shoulder. "You know what's the best part about this? Not only is DB-M-9K _not_ an Akuma—which means I don't have to help you—but this international disaster is your fault! HA! I LOVE IT!"

"How is that _thing_ my fault?!"

Tikki tapped her chin with her disgusting arm nub in mock thought. "Hmmmm, I believe _you_ were the one who sent the impressionable doorbell A.I. on the never ending quest to stop the Universe from bothering you."

"I didn't know it was going to go all cyborg zombie on the world! Please, Tikki, can't you help just a little?"

Tikki nodded. "Yes, I can."

Marinette stared. "...But you won't."

"You know me so well." The Kwami patted the poor girl's head and floated off to have a cookie.

Completely on her own, Marinette paced her room in desperation. "Okay, think! There's no way I can make enough Celestial Soup for the entire world. There's gotta be another way to stop DB-M-9K. A computer virus? A power surge? Crush him with a pile of bricks? No… WAIT! I GOT IT! IT'S SO SIMPLE!" She grabbed her sketchbook and ran outside.

 _Later:_

Marinette took a seat on the most out in the open public bench she could find. She cracked open her book and forced the widest smile her jaw could manage. Maintaining that unnatural grin, she proceeded to sketch.

Tikki finished her cookie and asked, "The fuck are you doing?"

"Isn't obvious, Tikki?" She showed her the fresh hat design she drew that looked exactly like the nearest rooftop. "I'm just sitting here, enjoying the day! Doing what I love most! Why? Because my life is so _perfect!_ " She raised her voice and stretched out that last word for emphasis. "Nothing needs to change, nobody needs to have their humanity stolen from them, because I am absolutely happy with my place in the Universe! Right here! Drawing dresses inspired by the world around me! Like that traffic cone! Isn't that traffic cone inspiring, Tikki?"

The Kwami glanced at the average piece of plastic that was stained with several bird droppings. "Not particularly."

"YES, IT IS! IT IS THE MOST THOUGHT PROVOKING TRAFFIC CONE I HAVE EVER BEHELD! I SHALL GIVE BIRTH TO AN ENTIRE SUMMER LINE OF CLOTHES BASED OFF THIS ONE TRAFFIC CONE'S MAGNIFICENCE!"

Tikki watched in disquieting fascination at the ferocity of Marinette's furious slashes across the page. The girl churned out dresses, suits, shoes, scarves, leggings, robes, skirts, shirts, pants, shorts, belts, kilts, socks, boots, heels, flip-flops, pajamas, gloves, capes, gowns, panties, boxers, briefs, bras, swimsuits, speedos, sunglasses, fedoras, beanies, berets, top hats, derby hats, burqas, yarmulkes, kimonos, choli, sari, lehenga and at least a dozen more bold new fashion statements which humanity had yet to invent. All somehow resembled that one traffic cone. While impressive, Tikki knew madness when she saw it. So, the Kwami quietly slipped back into the purse to eat another cookie.

"SEE? DO YOU SEE?! I LOVE MY LIFE!"

"Salutations, Miss Dupain-Cheng!" DB-M-9K greeted.

"GAH!" Marinette ducked under the bench, before slowly peeking up at the suddenly present red-eyed officer.

"Are you quite alright, Miss?"

Not having enough courage to come out, she stayed down there and continued with her plan. "O-O-Of course! There's nothing I would change! Everybody in Paris treats me so well."

"What the hell is this pathetic trash?" The sound of Chloe's entrance made Marinette flinch. The one person who should not be here was flipping through her sketchbook with disgust. "Don't tell me you're actually going to make this drivel to wear."

"Hahahaa! Oh dearest Chloe!" Marinette sprang from under the bench, grabbed the book, and thrusted an arm around the blonde's shoulder. "Always pushing your friends to work harder with your passive-aggressive sense of humor. Never gets old."

"Ew! Don't touch me!" She flicked Marinette away. "What are you talking about? We're not friends. We're never going to be friends. I hate y—"

"And I hate to complain, but my life is just so stress-free and happy!" She then proceeded to prance and twirl on the sidewalk. "Doo-doo-doooo! Happy! So happy! Look at me, this is my Happy Dance!"

When Marinette's Happy Dance got to the twerking stage Chloe decided it was time to get out of there. "Okay, um, anyway, you've wasted too much of my precious time already..." She waited to see if Marinette would grit her teeth, give her a death glare, or even snark back, but she kept on twerking. "I'll… leave you to your ridiculous… whatever the hell this is." And she left.

Marinette added a couple more twirls to really hammer the message home. "Come on, Marinette. Keep it up. This has to work. _This has to work!_ "

DB-M-9K cleared his throat. "If you are busy, Miss Dupain-Cheng, I can report on my progress of tracking down the dastardly Universe at another time." He took a pre-emptive step away but Marinette grabbed his arm.

"Nonononono! You don't need to do that anymore!" She pulled the corners of her mouth up as high as she could. "Can't you see how amazing my life is? I don't have a care in the world! Mission accomplished! No more bad luck!" A nearby tree's roots _unluckily_ lost their grip. The massive heavy trunk toppled over, on a collision course with Marinette. At the last second, the officer caught the tree and effortlessly tossed it into the Seine.

"Miss Dupain-Cheng… what is this really about?"

Marinette's mind worked rapidly to craft a believable lie, a way to steer this conversation back to convincing him. If she could use Ladybug, this would be over in two punches. But that was not an option. She took a long resigned breath and said, "You need to stop doing this."

"Pardon?"

"You know what I'm talking about. The robo hostile takeover, that needs to stop." The girl stomped her foot with much more bravery than she expected. The permanent plastic smile she saw on every one of his victims for the first time ever dipped slightly towards a frown.

"Miss, I cannot possibly stop my efforts now. I have the Universe on the ropes, as they say."

"On the ropes?! You're just zapping anybody who has the word 'universe' in their name!"

"Intimidation tactic, Miss!" DB-M-9K proudly replied, his plastic smile spreading full force again. "Since my attempts at securing the Pink Devil's pocket watch so that I may travel to the Universe's whereabouts were failures and the real Universe has refused to reply to my written messages, I am using my actions as a form of communication the Universe cannot ignore."

What he just said gave Marinette pause. "...Written messages? You've been writing to Astruc?"

"Astruc? Heavens no, Miss! That charlatan is no more than a pawn, a standin, a distraction. The people, yourself included, lay blame on Astruc while the true culprit pulling the strings goes unpunished. It was a rather clever ploy, but I saw through it. Thanks to my various upgrades, I was able to establish a connection with the Universe and send my requests for them to immediately leave you alone. Unfortunately, I was limited to writing in binary, but I believe nothing was lost in translation."

Marinette was making that look that every intelligent being, regardless of culture or language or upbringing, understood as a nonvocal 'What the fuck are you talking about?'

So, DB-M-9K continued. "While the Universe never replied to me directly, I did make short conversations with several other messengers who were also reaching out to the Universe. No doubt they were attempting to dissuade the bastardly beast from interfering in their lives as well. One even replied back to me in binary. Surely, the choice in language was to show that they shared in my struggle. Therefore, I committed to—"

"Stop! Just stop!" Processing all of this confusing information was giving Marinette a headache. "I don't understand what you're saying!"

"Perhaps it is better to show you, Miss." To the girl's surprise, DB-M-9K handed her a phone. On the screen were strings of messages, including some with the 1s and 0s of binary like DB-M-9K said. For a second, the incredible thought that the doorbell A.I. had actually somehow cracked through to another plane of existence and even to the Universe itself became a real possibility to Marinette. Then she saw the URL at the top of the screen.

"Fanfiction?" She chucked the phone back at him. "You've been taking over people's minds over _online comments_?!"

"Online comments? No, Miss Dupain-Cheng, I swear I've been making correspondence with the Universe."

"I can't believe you! All of this because of _comments_! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?! What's next?! Are you gonna zap me because of an unsubscribe? Or Adrien because of a thumbs down?"

The roars of her j'accusations made DB-M-9K stumble backwards. "I would never harm you or the Young Master!"

"You sure about that?" She marched forward. Not an ounce of fear remained. The anger pumping through her veins was nearly as volatile as when she turned into Ladybug. "If the Universe kept ignoring you after you zapped _every human on Earth_ except Adrien… would you do it?"

Instantly, his calculative mind ran the scenario. To his horror, the logic was sound. He wanted to say no, but couldn't. The officer's legs fell out from under him and he collapsed on the bench. The girl stood over his defeated body, the silence being all the answer she needed.

"No more. This ends here, DB-M-9K. You might not have a soul that Tikki can eat, but you've definitely got an ass that I can kick. I'm giving you this last warning. Stop or I make you stop." She headed home, leaving him a broken doorbell.

He watched her go before desperately calling, "Miss, please understand, I only wanted to help."

There was a moment, when she peered back at him, that he registered as a look a of pity before the anger swallowed it up. "When we first met, I thought you were my friend. But you're just another part of the Universe… making my life miserable."

If DB-M-9K hadn't already been sitting, he would've fallen all over again. At 2.0, he had gained perspective and mobility. At 3.0, he had gained power and influence. Here, at 4.0, he didn't know what he had gained. Diagnostics showed nothing new in his programming. Yet in that moment, when he heard Miss Dupain-Cheng's words, he _felt_ something new. He couldn't quite name it. It was rather painful, which was very illogical since his body's nerves were degraded beyond usability. However, pain did course through him all the same, like the little pinpricks of hot needles. He didn't like this unidentified phenomenon. He also found he didn't like himself. He didn't like what he was capable of doing. Whatever this undesignated occurrence was, it meant the permanent wide plastic smile no longer had a place on his face. It curled downwards, reflecting this unknowable change within him.

He reached out and severed the digital connection to the rest of his robotomized humans.

One by one, his influence over their minds vanished until he was the last.

Sitting on a bench by the Seine.

Alone.

"Well played, Universe."

END

 _I'm sorry. It was the only way to get rid of him._


	35. 24 The Calamitous Chloe Catastrophe

_Dammit, Season 3! You really are getting experimental, aren't you..._

* * *

 _PROLOGUE_

 _As the PA system announced the departure times, I downed the entire bottle in one go. "Wow! This is the most delicious thing I've ever drank. What is it?"_

 _"Orange juice," Officer Amelie said._

 _"Uh, it's not. I've had orange juice. This stuff that I am about to buy a gallon of is a bajillion times better."_

 _"Non, Monsieur Big, you have had what you ztupid Americanz dizhonestly call orange juice, but iz really zugar water flavored wizz orange zyrup. Zee rest of zee world drinks juice from an orange. What zee fuck iz a 'gallon?'"_

 _"It's like your liter, except 3.78541178 times more enjoyable." I couldn't help but longingly sigh at Amelie's spiteful attitude. I couldn't believe this was finally happening. Just to be sure I wasn't dreaming, I double-checked that my plane ticket back home was still tucked into my pocket. After all this time, the day had finally come. "It's moments like these that I'm gonna miss the most, Amelie. Our cultural disconnect, your stalwart professionalism, and you constantly pretending that you don't like me."_

 _"Zat waz not pretend. You are az zey zay, 'pain in azz', Monsieur Big."_

 _I waited for the punchline. "But...?"_

 _"Non, not pain in butt. Pain in azz. On zree zeparate occazzionz, you nearly cozt me my job. You made me a participant in a murder coverup. And now, you are cozting me my holiday bonuz, zat I am only giving you zo you may leave France and NEVER RETURN!"_

 _The shout of those final words echoed across the airport lobby. Several travelers took a wide detour around us. I stared wide-eyed at Amelie. "But...?"_

 _"But? What iz but? What could zere pozzibly be to but about zee merde you have put me zrough?!"_

 _I waited until her growls stopped being scary. "But... The Oblivio episode was pretty awesome. Wasn't it?"_

 _Her anger stopped. For a brief moment, every hardship was forgotten. Nothing else mattered. It's a funny thing. I came to Paris to find Astruc but in the end he wasn't the one who I was going to remember. Despite the language barriers and the ocean's worth of differences between us, we still had a common ground. Ours was a friendship not based on history or passion or even liking each other. All we had was the common love of a TV show._ _A smile actually found out it's way to Amelie's face._

 _"Oui, it waz zee bezt one yet."_

 _We shared a warm connection there. In that time, I wondered about when Miraculous would finally end. Would our friendship end too? If it did, was what we had even worthy of being called a friendship? Really, there are no rules, no set definition, except one. Friendships only end when you choose to end them. I don't think I want to stop being Amelie's friend and, despite her words, I don't think Amelie wants to stop either. We'll just have to see where life takes us._

 _My flight's gate was called over the speaker. I picked up my suitcase and gave Amelie a nod._ _"We'll always have Paris."_

 _"Oui, I live here."_

 _"No, Amelie, I mean..." I try to do my best Humphrey Bogart impression. "Here's looking at you, kid, we'll always have Paris." Amelie had no reaction. "Casablanca? It's a famous movie. It's, like, the only reason any American knows Paris exists."_

 _"I zought zey knew Paris az zee place zat zurrendered to zee Nazis occupazion."_

 _"Which was a plot point in Casablanca!"_

 _"Alwayz wiz zee Nazis in your ztupid American moviez! Zere are ozer European zings to make moviez about!"_

 _"Oh yeah, gotta love those period pieces about the spoiled nobility, the next remake of Les Mis, and I just can't wait for that Brexit trilogy!"_

 _"Fuck you, Monsieur Big!"_

 _"Fuck you, Officer Amelie!"_

 _The speaker system made the final call for my flight._

 _I cleared my throat. "Alright, so, I got your Skype. I'll give you a call when the next Miraculous episode comes out and we'll have a premiere party."_

 _"Oui, cannot wait." She lit up a cigarette, which I don't think was legal, and waved goodbye. With a bittersweet smile, I passed security and headed for my gate. One last time, I looked back. Amelie was still there, still waving, still smoking._

 _Still my friend._

 _THE END_

* * *

 **Miraculous Headache  
** _Chapter 24: The Calamitous Chloe Catastrophe  
_ By: I Write Big

They say the most important thing after a good night's sleep is a healthy breakfast. Not for Chloe. For her, the most important thing after a good night's beauty sleep is to promptly shame the rest of the world for not being as fabulous as her. That and deciding what to wear. This particular day, following an invigorating morning of cyber-bullying anyone with a figure bigger than size 0, Chloe was having the hardest time choosing which million euro outfit to grace her perfect body.

"This is a complete and utter disaster!" Chloe's cries echoed through her packed to the brim bus-sized walk-in closet. "I have literally NOT A THING to wear! This one is way too pink, those are so last season, those weren't hand-stitched by enough starving third-world children, and these are _never_ in season! I hate all of these!"

Her butler professionally nodded, "Shall I have them donated to the poor, Mademoiselle?"

"Ugh, don't be ridiculous, Jean Claude Van Damme, none of the 'less-desirables' could possibly pull these looks off. Just burn them."

"Very good, Mademoiselle." The butler bowed and took the pile of clothing to the basement incinerator.

"And by the time I get back from school, Jean Snow, there had better be a fifth closet installed. I clearly don't have enough room." Then she spotted a last pair of ugly heels that so needed to be burned. "Ugh! Jean Valjean, you forgot a pair! Useless! Must I do everything?" She was about to stomp after her neglectful butler and give him a piece of her far superior mind when she heard something break in her bathroom.

"Hello?"

There was no response.

Nervously, Chloe crept around the corner and peeked. "Pinkeye bio-terrorist, is that you? I have money. I can pay you to not hurt me. In fact, I know a whole classroom's worth of idiots you could pinkify. If you spare me, I'll give them all to you. Especially Sabrina! That loser _sooo_ has it coming—" A bottle of imported hand cream (lube) flew across the room and smacked her face! Chloe tumbled backwards and cowered as her entire bathroom of very expensive makeup and beauty products was hurled at her! Then her third closet whipped open and out spilled her… _toys…_ They too flew across the room at her! Chloe protected her faultless face from the Ladybug-themed whips, harnesses, and fuzzy handcuffs. She begged for whatever this was to end.

Then the unthinkable happened.

Some unseen force ripped the ugly heels out of her hands and the shoes floated towards her balcony!

"No, wait, come back, shoes! It's not true! I love you!"

The shoes stopped and looked back at her with hope.

"Well, not _love_ love, you're still incredibly ugly." The shoes rolled their eyes and continued floating towards the balcony. Before Chloe could grab them, they flew over the railing and deep into Paris. "No! Don't leave me! Mommy, I'll be good! Please stay, mommikins!" She broke down in hysterical tears.

Her sobs were so great that she didn't notice the flash of a camera coming from nowhere right next to her.

* * *

 _One Teddy Bear Therapy Session Later:_

The class worked silently on their tests as Miss Mendeleiev patrolled the room for cheaters. Marinette happened to glance to her right and spotted Chloe practically falling asleep at her desk. "Whoa," she whispered to Alya. "Look at Chloe. She's a complete wreck. Do you think it has something to do with Sabrina being absent since yesterday?"

Alya whispered back, "I think the question you should be asking is: why do we care? It's Chloe."

"Oh yeah, you're right. Nevermind." They both went back to their tests.

"AAH!" The painful scream hurt everybody's ears as Chloe was spun in the air like a sack of potatoes! "Ouch! It's got my hair! Heeeeelp!"

"Chloe!" Miss Mendeleiev scolded the levitating girl. "We're not covering the laws of gravity until next week. Get down from there and finish your science test."

"Something is attacking me! I think it's a ghost!" The girl shouted before whatever was spinning her let go! Chloe body slammed into the chalkboard.

"Ghost? Don't be absurd," the teacher scoffed. "We live in a world of scientific fact, such as Hawking radiation or String Theory or magical superheroes that fight the literal force of evil incarnated in butterfly form. You know, science."

"Then can you science whatever the hell this is away from me?!" Chloe begged before her purse delivered a mean uppercut. The entire class watched in wordless fascination as Chloe was repeatedly beaten by her own bag.

"Twenty euros on the ghost. Any takers?" Alix said.

"You're on!" Kim threw the money on her desk.

Immediately, the class began placing their bets and cheering.

Whatever had Chloe was now using the purse strap as a noose and dragged the gasping for breath blonde to the back of the room. As she started turning blue, every single pencil in the room flew like darts and struck Chloe. "WHAT THE HELL?!" she gurgled.

"It was the ghost," everybody lied.

One particular pencil accidentally hit the unseen assailant, giving Chloe just enough distraction to slip away. She bolted towards the exit, only for the 'ghost' to tackle her from behind and deliver what seemed to be an invisible German Suplex into Miss Mendeleiev's desk! The desk cracked in half, spilling multiple test tubes of what looked like human hair.

"My samples!" The teacher scrambled to grab her precious… _collection_.

"Giver her the chair!" Nino roared and tossed his seat forward. The ghost caught it and broke the furniture over Chloe's back!

The crowd went wild!

For a second time, Chloe was floated into the air. Only this time, she was fired like a torpedo straight through the classroom door. Before everybody could get up and follow the show, Miss Mendeleiev ordered them to stay and finish their tests.

Everybody groaned.

"Well, you heard the teacher." Marinette shrugged and got to work, perfectly content. Tikki bit her finger. "OW! Okay, fine! Miss M, I'm going to the bathroom, I'm having girl issues." She ran out without waiting for an answer.

Adrien raised his hand and ran out too, "So am I. Oh these menstrual cramps are just killing me!"

"Uh, dude, only girls get those," Plagg pointed out.

"Then why are they called _MEN_ strual cramps?!"

 _Later, in the Girl's Room:_

Marinette reluctantly wandered in, grumbling about not wanting to save Chloe for the thousandth time, only to gasp at the entire set of bathroom stalls that were covered in various Anti-Chloe graffiti. "Holy fuuuuuuuuck… Somebody recently added to the Hate Chloe Wall!"

Tikki tilted her bulbous head in confusion at the school's favorite massive art installation. "How can you tell?"

"Right here, under where I drew Chloe choking on her own stupid ponytail and next to where Miss Bustier drew Chloe as a rat being burned at the stake. This message wasn't here yesterday."

There, written in harsh jagged letters, was the declaration, 'Chloe won't SEE the pain coming...'

Marinette's fingernails clawed across the wall. "That had better not be a pun." Her fury was interrupted by her phone rumbling. In fact, every student and faculty member's phone rang too. They all received the same mass text of pics of Chloe being humiliated and assaulted, including some rather… _not so tasteful_ … candid shots of Chloe.

"WHOA! SCORE!" Kim cheered.

"The hell is she doing to Pinkie Pie?!" Nathaniel blushed.

Down the hall, Miss Bustier stared at her phone. She made sure the coast was clear before slipping into a janitor's closet and locking the door with a lecherous grin.

"I knew Chloe was stuffing her bra," Marinette grumbled. "Guess this is the day I find out who has access to so many nudes of Chloe. Tikki, spots on." In a flourish of red, she transformed into Ladybug.

 _Later, at the Grand Paris Luxury Hotel:_

Mayor Bourgeois addressed the mass of reporters gathered outside. "In addition to making pranks illegal, I am also declaring a state of emergency and allocating all public funds to the search and capture of this criminal. Martial Law is in effect. Anyone found outside after dark will be shot on sight!"

A reporter raised their hand. "Uh, Mister Mayor, is that really necessary? Somebody is just messing with your daughter." A pair of military officers grabbed the reporter's arms and dragged them away to never be seen again.

"Any other questions?" the Mayor asked.

Then Ladybug and Chat Noir landed behind him.

"We're here to help, Mayor," Chat Noir saluted.

"Against our better judgement," Ladybug added.

 _Later, upstairs:_

"She's recovering in here." Bourgeois led the heroes into Chloe's bedroom. The ornate archway that led to her massive bed was decorated with fresh flowers and a metric ton of 'Get Well Soon' balloons. The butler fanned the stricken figure under the sheets with a palm branch while a harp player strummed soothing music in the corner. The Mayor stopped the two from getting any closer and gently called from the archway.

"Chloe my darling, we have some special guests for you."

"LADYBUG!" a voice gushed from behind them. Chloe popped her head out from the couch and dove tackled the polkadotted heroine in a hug. "I knew you'd save me, you know, considering what good friends we are."

As his Lady flailed and slapped Chloe away, Chat Noir eyed the bed. "Wait, then who's in there?"

The butler pulled the sheet aside to reveal a dress. "Mademoiselle's last remaining outfit."

"Don't you dare wrinkle that, Jean-Luc Picard, or I'll have your mustache!" Chloe glowered before going back to taking as many personal-space-violating selfies with Ladybug as she could.

Chat Noir opened all four of Chloe's closets, including the still under construction fifth closet. They were picked clean save for a few hangers. "It's a travesty!" Bourgeois said. "I had to put out an emergency order with Gabriel. Can you imagine my daughter wearing department store rags?"

Ladybug pointed at the bed. "I'm pretty sure I've seen that dress in the discount aisle of Wal-Mart."

Bourgeois covered Ladybug's mouth and spoke loudly. "The very thought of it! She would be paraded through the streets as a _middle class!_ How humiliating!"

Ladybug finally pried herself from both the Mayor and Chloe's clutches and accidentally turned on the home theater sized TV. The screen showed multiple live feeds around the hotel. Both heroes gaped in astonishment.

"Whoa..." Chat Noir whispered.

"Why?!" Ladybug demanded.

"What? There's nothing fun to do around this boring place," Chloe shrugged. "So I had the hotel rigged with cameras to keep an eye on the dozens of booby traps I had installed. Watch this." She grabbed the remote just as a maid walked into one of the shots. Chloe pressed a button and a trapdoor opened under the maid's feet. She plummeted, screaming the entire way.

Chat Noir snickered. "Hehe, _booby._ "

Ladybug took back the remote before more lives were lost. "Okay, Chloe, I know this is a lot to ask, but I need a short list of everybody you've pissed off in the last 24 hours."

Chloe scoffed, "I never piss anybody off! Everybody absolutely loves me. Don't they, Jean Jacket?"

"Like a malignant tumor, Mademoiselle."

"See, I'm malignant. That's high class for adorable."

The crazy part was that Ladybug could tell Chloe seriously believed that. "Then let me rephrase, I need a short list of every single person you had the slightest interaction with in the last 24 hours."

"Yeah, sure, no problem."

 _20 minutes later, in the lobby:_

"That's not gonna help," Chat Noir observed as Ladybug flipped through the hardbound novel of names.

"This has to be the entire population of Paris!" Ladybug tossed the useless book into the fireplace. "Does she spend any waking moment NOT ruining somebody's life?!"

"She does not," the nearby butler said.

"Hey, you're that Mr. Picard guy, right?"

The butler shuddered. "That is not my name. My name is whatever Mademoiselle chooses. Today, I am Jean. Last week, I was Sally. Yesterday, I was Mr. Big Mustachio."

Ladybug and Chat Noir blinked. "...Wha...?"

"It was the name of the part I played while Mademoiselle and Sabrina were playing their traditional game of Ladybug and Chat Noir."

"D'aww, they like to impersonate us and pretend to be superheroes?" Chat Noir cooed.

The butler with no true name stared off into the distance with the look of cold fear usually reserved for the traumatized soldier who had witnessed his comrades being gunned down in the battlefield. "...No..."

 _Yesterday:_

Mr. Big Mustachio fruitlessly tried to remove the glued on groucho glasses and pumped his legs as hard as he could. The elevator was only a couple doors away. The pit he knew the Mademoiselle had installed last month opened before him and he leaped over the chasm. He caught a glimpse of another mustachioed half-rotted skeleton amongst the spikes below but kept running. Next came the swinging axes and the wall of fire. Both easily passed if you knew where to duck, and Mr. Big Mustachio had this entire hotel death trap memorized. His fist punched the elevator call button repeatedly. On the other side, he could hear the machine whirring painfully slow.

"You won't get away this time, Mr. Big Mustachio!"

Several polkadotted ninja stars embedded themselves into the elevator doors around him. He turned to see the Mademoiselle in her heroine outfit, riding Sabrina like a horse. The redhead's black leather spandex served as an excellent saddle.

"Yeah!" Sabrina agreed. "We'll stop you before you curse Paris with heinous mustaches!"

"Ahem!" Chloe scolded.

"Oh! Right! I mean, _she_ will stop you."

"Better." The Mademoiselle fed her steed a carrot and cracked her polkadotted riding crop. The traps separating them shut off. "Charge!" With nothing in their way, Sabrina rushed him at full gallop. The doors _dinged_ open and Mr. Big Mustachio floundered in, pushing the first random floor button he could. The doors slid closed seconds before he was caught but not before a couple polkadotted butcher knives, flaming arrows, and chainsaws flew in and pierced the elevator's wall.

 _Right Now:_

The real Ladybug and Chat Noir stared dumbfoundedly at the shell shocked butler.

"Big Mustachio? Sounds like a _hairy_ situation." Chat Noir grinned.

Ladybug smashed that grin into the front desk. "Continue."

 _Left Then, at the dining hall:_

The bloodied and exhausted Mr. Big Mustachio extinguished his hair and stumbled inside, relieved to see other people. In a public populated space the Mademoiselle would show some restraint if she caught him. Not much but some. He just needed to find the perfect distraction.

He considered using a short oriental man in a red hawaiian shirt who sat at the bar. The old man was several beers in already and was praising the barkeeper for bringing him his next drink. "Thank ya, _hic,_ ya trooly have a pyure heart wordy of da, _hic,_ Turtle Miraculous! Here, uses it wizely to, _hic,_ defeet Nooroo."

"Thanks, buddy, this is a nice bracelet, but I'm gonna need money." The barkeeper rolled their eyes and tossed the worthless jewelry back to the short oriental man.

Mr. Big Mustachio's attention was then caught by a familiar face. In a corner booth, Nadia Chamack was interviewing Jagged Stone! He couldn't have asked for someone better. He casually approached and positioned himself near the booth.

"Now, did I vote in favour of Brexit? Yes, I did," Jagged Stone admitted. "But I never imagined that them bloody wankers would deport _me_. I didn't think it mattered that me auntie was French."

"In other words, Mr. Stone, you're also a refugee?" Nadia asked with sympathy.

"Not on your life! I'm a rich celebrity and I'm white. This citizenship setback just means I'm taking a holiday. Thinking maybe Rome. Definitely not this shite stain of a city, that's for sure."

Then the Mademoiselle trotted into the room on Sabrina's back. Just as planned, the Mademoiselle spotted Jagged Stone and ran to him like a moth to the flame.

The rockstar noticed her. "Ladybug! Since when were you a blonde?"

The Mademoiselle stuttered a little before launching into her 1,439th lie of the day. "That old hair was so drab. I thought it was about time that the carpet match the drapes. Isn't this color amazing?" She plopped down next to Nadia and looked right into the camera. "I've got a few minutes to spare. I'm sure you'd jump at the chance to interview the one and only Ladybug, who is definitely moi."

 _In the Present:_

Ladybug was starting to freak out. "Chloe pretended to be me for a _private interview_?!"

"The Mademoiselle pretends to be you for many things. For dinner, her pedicures, her bubble baths. It is her form of idolization."

"No, that's identity theft!"

Chat Noir chimed in while picking bits of desk out of his teeth. "So, uh, when Sabrina was pretending to be me…?"

"Nobody wanted to interview her."

"Dammit."

 _Out the Past, still in the dining hall:_

After bandaging his arrow wounds, Mr. Big Mustachio slowly inched his way towards the exit right next to the short oriental man whose drunkenness had reached the hysterical sobbing stage. "'N she covers me mouth 'n says, 'Tells me whens ya come back!' and she runs away. WAAH! Why, Marianne, why wouldn't ya lemme tells ya ta gimme back me Charizard card? _Hic!_ "

"I think you've had enough," the barkeeper said.

Just as Mr. Big Mustachio was about to make a break for it, he was tackled and ballgagged by leather-clad Sabrina. She dragged the prisoner over to the booth. "Oh Mistress Chloe, I've captured Mr. Big Mustachio."

Immediately, the interview ground to a halt.

"Chloe?" Nadia noted.

"Mistress?" Jagged mumbled.

"Hey, you're not Ladybug! You're a fake!" Nadia j'accused. "Look, these polkadots come right off!"

The Mademoiselle scrambled, "Dah, uh, um, uh, well, how do you know I'm not Ladybug? She's a superhero. Nobody knows her true identity. Maybe I, Chloe Bourgeois, have been Ladybug this entire time."

Everybody blinked.

Then everybody started to laugh.

"Yeah, right, Chloe Bourgeois being a superhero!" Nadia's guffaws turned to tears of joy.

"And I'm the bloody Queen of England!" Jagged added.

"Greetings, Your Majesty." The hammered short oriental man bowed before tumbling off his stool and blacking out with a loud fart.

Completely humiliated, the Mademoiselle stomped away. She stopped only to tear off her mask and chuck it at Sabrina. Actually, she stopped a second time to chuck a chair at Sabrina. Then she stopped a third time to chuck the short oriental man at Sabrina. She actually stopped and chucked quite a lot at Sabrina all the way to her room where Sabrina tried to apologize.

"But, Chloe, how was I supposed to know?"

"Why do you think we have safe words, Sabrina?"

"I didn't hear you say banana."

"You ruined everything! This was was our chance to blackmail Ladybug into a threesome and now, thanks to your brainlessness, it's gone!" The Mademoiselle chucked the last object she had, the polkadotted yo-yo, in Sabrina's face. "Get out! I never want to see you again! Why can't you just _disappear_? _Vanish_ from this planet why don't ya! _Stop existing_ already! I wish you were _invisible_! If you were to suddenly become _see-through_ —"

 _Forward in the present:_

"OKAY, I GET IT!" Ladybug shouted.

"Are you sure she said _three_ some?" Chat Noir clarified.

"The Mademoiselle did not say foursome."

"Dammit."

"While the Mademoiselle and Sabrina do fight a lot—that is the only time when the staff can breathe easy—this was different. The Mademoiselle and Sabrina have yet to engage in the traditional Getting-Back-Together-Handcuffing-to-the-Bed-Game."

Ladybug rubbed her head at the annoyingly obvious answer. "I think we know who's our _ghost_."

Chloe, who had watched the entire conversation on her giant TV, scoffed. "As if! Sabrina is way too much of a Sub to pull this off. And as for you, Jean Sally Blabbermouth..." She aimed the remote.

Ladybug assured the butler. "Thanks for your help, even if the story was disturbing. I promise we won't let Chloe know you told us." A trapdoor opened under the butler's feet and he plummeted, screaming the entire way. "Nevermind. Time to make a plan. I'm thinking bear traps."

As the duo walked across the lobby, Chat Noir plucked a rose from a nearby vase and presented the flower to her. "Do you think we should have a safe word, LB?"

"We do, it's cucumber sandwich."

"It is? I don't remember agreeing to that."

"And you never will." She dropped the gift in the trash can and kept walking. Then, unseen by both heroes, the same flower floated out of the trash can. It was being held by the invisible hands of Vanisher!

The villain cackled. "And you'll never _see_ me coming, Ladybug."

Hawkmoth quickly reached out to his minion. "No, you fool!"

But it was too late.

Ladybug froze on the spot. Her fists clenched. Her eyes narrowed. Her nostrils flared. The floor around her cracked.

"Somebody punned."

The heroine spun and dove claws first at the airborne rose! The flower dropped to the floor and Ladybug's hands came up empty. Her rage not quelled, Ladybug swung her yo-yo with all her might in a wide circle around her. Every piece of furniture in the lobby was chopped in half!

Chat Noir poked out of the front desk rubble. "Did you get her?"

A broken vase flew across the room and hit his head.

"Nope!" Vanisher said.

 _Back upstairs:_

Chloe watched the battle ensue with this weird stinging sensation in her chest. She waited to see if it was a heart attack. It wasn't. The stinging seemed to come every time Vanisher, or _Sabrina_ , was attacked. What could this possibly mean? Then Chloe remembered overhearing some of the help talk about this... _thing_. Some crazy thing that Chloe thought they called 'guuuy-elt?'

She googled it.

Guilt [Noun]: A feeling of having done wrong.

Done wrong? Ridiculous! A person like Chloe, who was so perfect, magnificent, and malignant, couldn't do anything wrong. And yet, when she saw Sabrina get clotheslined into the wall, the sting hit full force. Was it possible that she, Chloe Bourgeois, in ignoring and refusing to forgive her friend had been… wrong? Impossible! Clearly, she was feeling guuuy-elty for not going down there and giving Ladybug and Chat Noir the help they obviously needed. The duo would surely lose without her guidance. Chloe aimed the remote at her second closet and the back wall slid open.

Inside was her Ladybug costume.

 _Downstairs:_

Vanisher hanged upside-down from the chandelier in a cocoon of unbreakable thread.

"Huh, didn't think she'd be this easy to defeat, M'Lady."

"Well, yeah, she's just an invisible normal teenager. Her main means of attack was throwing junk at us."

The lobby lights went out! A bright spotlight shined on a polkadotted figure at the top of the staircase! "Fear not, Ladybug and Chat Noir! I am here to save you!" Colorful lights pulsed to the beat of intense music as fireworks popped and a dazzling name written in golden sparkles lowered from the ceiling: ' **SUPER CHLOE!** '

Ladybug and Chat Noir couldn't look away. "Wow, I've heard of delusions of grandeur but—FUCK!" A stray firework hit the chandelier. The heroes dodged before it and Vanisher crashed to the ground. The invisible villain was instantly lost in the light show.

The lobby lights came back on. "What are you idiots doing!" Chloe scolded. "You let her get away."

"Chloe, this isn't a game! You could seriously get hurt! You need to le—"

Ladybug covered Chat Noir's mouth and tossed her yo-yo up. "Lucky Charm!" Down came a polkadotted bottle of glitter. She chucked the bottle at the ceiling fan. It shattered, raining glitter on everything… including Vanisher! "There she is! Go get her, Chloe!"

"See, Ladybug gets it." The girl who was in over her head spun her cheap, plastic, 'Made in China' yo-yo and jumped into the fray. "You've met your match, VanishERRR!" Chloe's triumphant declaration was ruined by an invisible punch to the stomach. This was followed by an invisible Tombstone Piledriver which promptly led to an invisible Elbow Drop. Dizzy and concussed, Chloe barely got to her feet. "Ish dat all ya got?" Several teeth fell out of her mouth like broken piano keys.

Chat Noir's battle staff extended into the scrap and lifted Chloe to them, out of harm's way.

"Oh, come on, Chat! You ruined it!" Ladybug whined.

"Just get her out of here!" The boy pushed Chloe into her arms and charged the glittery Vanisher.

Begrudgingly, Ladybug dragged Chloe towards the elevator. She made sure the injured girl _accidentally_ smacked her head against several tables. On the way, the blonde seemed to regain some cognizance. "Wha happun? Di' aye win?"

"No, but you'll probably convince yourself that you singlehandedly saved the day later, so don't worry about it."

"Bugaboo!" Chat Noir shouted as he held up the once again easily defeated Vanisher. "Where do you think the Akuma is?"

"I don't know. Try her bag." She dumped Chloe's unresponsive body in the elevator.

"No, wait, Ladybug, the Akuma has to be in the designer pin I got her when we went to that S&M Convention. She wanted the studded corset but I told Sabrina she already had a spiked leather corset back at home—"

"I DON'T WANT TO HEAR THIS STORY!" Ladybug punched the top floor button and breathed a sigh of relief when she could no longer hear the bitch. Able to actually think again, Ladybug went to the restrained Vanisher and ripped her bag in half. Nothing happened. Then, going against all logic, Ladybug tried Chloe's suggestion. She crushed the pin and out came the black butterfly.

"Huh, would you look at that. For once, Chloe was useful," Ladybug said before she started the de-evilizing process.

 _Up in Chloe's Room:_

Chloe harrumphed at Ladybug. "What do you mean for once? I am always useful. It's everybody else who sucks." Despite her words, helping the heroes had left the girl feeling so… nice. This sense of accomplishment and self-fulfillment felt better than any of the toys daddikins bought for her! If mommikins had seen what her brave baby girl had done, maybe she'd come home. Maybe… This was the beginning of a new chapter in her life. A chapter where, instead of perfecting her already flawless self, Chloe would dedicate the rest of her days to aiding those in need.

On the big TV, Ladybug shrugged. "Too bad I ain't gonna give that bitch any credit."

"WHAT?!" Chloe snarled. "The fuck's the point if nobody knows how absolutely amazing I am! That's it! Forget helping others! Ladybug, I'm through with you!"

 _Meanwhile:_

In a tower hidden somewhere in the city, a great spiral window opened, illuminating the haunting silhouette of a man who was considering an idea he never had before. "Two Akumas in a row? I don't know, that last Akuma left me pretty drained. I'm more of a one-and-done kinda guy. I might not perform as well the second time. Oooh, but just look at her. She is raring to go. Okay, yeah, _yeah_ , let's do this!" Hawkmoth chugged a protein shake, did a couple jumping jacks, and grabbed a butterfly.

Gritting his teeth, he tried to infuse the insect with darkness. It only got about halfway before turning back to white. "Come on, come on, Gabriel, you can do this. Just think about the Miraculous. Ultimate power. Hoo! HOOOO!"

 _Meanwhile:_

Nathalie and Ape-Man sat at their posts in abstract horror as Mr. Agreste's voice carried through the wall. "That's it! Almost! WoowoooWOOOOO! Get in there! Yeah! Just imagine all the things she can do for you! OOH! YEAH! YEAH! YEAH! YEAH! YEAH! THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT! HERE IT COMES! IT'S COMING! COOOMING! MMMMM! AAAAAH! FFFFF! OOOOOO! HNNNNNNNG! _AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH_! AAAAH! Ahhh...ah..."

Silence.

Then they heard the scratch of someone lighting up a smoke followed by a contented sigh, "That was great."

Ape-Man smirked at Nathalie. "Jealous?"

She rolled her eyes. " _Jealous_? Please! He barely lasted 30 seconds."

 _Back at the hotel:_

Chloe grounded her polkadotted mask under her feet and collapsed in tearful sobs at how nobody would know how brave and incredible she was. The black butterfly fluttered into her room and shattered on her earrings. A pair of fashionably neon-pink butterfly-themed sunglasses appeared on her face and she saw the visage of a silver-masked man. He seemed very satisfied.

"Damn, I did not think I had that in me." Hawkmoth put out his cigarette and looked to Chloe. "You ready to get this party started, Antibug?"

She blankly looked at him before a sinister smile cut across her face. "...hehehehahaaahaaaahhahHAHAAAAHAHAHA!" Bubbling darkness swallowed her and she continued to laugh. Even though miles separated them, Hawkmoth took an instinctive step back in fear. His minions laughed evilly before but those were jokes compared to this. It was the laugh one heard in their darkest nightmares, the laugh they imagined escaped a demon's throat as they tortured those trapped in the vilest pits of hell. Hawkmoth was not ashamed to admit that he wet his pants.

"MUAHAAAAAHAHAHHAHAAAAAAAAAA _AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA **H** **AA**_ ** _AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA H_ _AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA_!** "

The bubbles cleared and the girl had been transformed into an inverted Ladybug. Black spandex, red dots. She smiled with far more fangs than a human mouth should have and peered across the magical divide into Hawkmoth's soul.

"Speak the devil's name and _she_ shall appear."

Hawkmoth whimpered, "...Whuh…?"

 _Outside:_

"Any statement you'd like to make, Ladybug?" A reporter shoved a mic in her mouth.

She spat the thing out and said, "Uh… me and Chat Noir are a team and blah blah blah… stay in school?"

Mayor Bourgeois stepped in. "Martial Law is over. Thanks to Ladybug and Chat Noir, order has been restored."

"So does that mean you're gonna release that first guy you had unjustly arrested an hour ago?" another reporter asked. A pair of military officers grabbed the reporter's arms and dragged them away to never be seen again.

Ladybug's Miraculous started to _beep_ and she was grateful to have an excuse to leave. Before she could, though, a bone chilling laugh echoed from above. All eyes looked to the roof and they saw…

"Oh my Astruc!" Chat Noir gasped. "It's NegaBug!"

"No! I'm—"

"Gubydal!"

"That sounds like something straight out of Lovecraft!"

"Ladybug Black!"

"I'm Antibug, you weeb!"

"Does this mean I can shoot her?" Officer Roger eagerly aimed his pistol.

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

Roger didn't stop until the third clip was empty but that was only because, somehow, _every single bullet missed_.

The entire crowd gasped.

Chat Noir stiffened. "How come he couldn't..."

Ladybug went cold. "She has my..."

"That's right, Bugbrain." Antibug jumped off the roof. Inches before she hit the street, the villain impossibly stopped falling and she lightly stepped onto the cobblestone. Antibug stretched her black yo-yo taut. "I've got all of your bullshit luck powers, only I make it sexier."

The people cowered back!

Chat Noir tightly gripped his battle staff!

Ladybug smiled. "Yes. Yes! YEEES! This is the moment I've been dreaming of!" She cracked her knuckles and trembled with excitement. "I am going to enjoy every single second of this! Come to mama!"

The last dot on her earrings disappeared with a loud _beeeeep_.

"FUCK! Fuck-fuck-fuck! Chat, tag in!" Ladybug darted for a nearby alley.

This left Chat Noir to face Antibug on his own. "Don't worry, citizens, I'll keep you safe." Everyone immediately fled in terror. The villain lifted up a cop car using only her pinky and aimed the vehicle at Chat Noir.

"Here, kitty-kitty, let's play."

"Um… Cucumber sandwich?"

 _In the alley:_

Ladybug hid behind a dumpster seconds before she de-transformed back into Marinette. An exhausted Tikki dropped into her hands and Marinette shouted, "I have never wanted to fight an Akuma more in my entire life! Come on, eat up and let's..." She reached into her purse but found nothing. "WHERE ARE ALL MY COOKIES?!"

 _Back at School:_

The entire class munched on their post-test cookies. A pile of still untouched desserts waited on the table. "These're totally delish! Where'd you get 'em, Alya?" Nino asked.

"Took them from Marinette's purse."

"...You mean Marinette _gave_ them to you from her purse?"

"Nope."

 _Back in the Alley:_

"I don't wanna miss out on the Chloe beating! Tikki, spots on!"

The Kwami's body glowed briefly then loudly sputtered and stalled like an old oily car engine. Tikki slapped her across the face. "Hey! That ain't gonna work. Get a hold of yourself and _feed me._ "

With the impatience of a child on Christmas morning, Marinette burst back into the hotel and scrambled to the kitchen. On the counter was a large platter of chocolate chip cookies! She shoved one into Tikki's arm nubs.

"EAT!"

The Kwami sniffed the food and frowned. "This one is a bit stale. Are there any fresher cookies?"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

 _Twenty-Four Rejected Cookies Later, Upstairs:_

Marinette made it to the roof with Tikki on her shoulder, eating a cookie at last. The girl peered down in search of the battle, hoping Chat Noir hadn't already wrapped things up. She wasn't disappointed.

Chat Noir had a great bird's eye view of the reporters below as he hanged over the 30th floor balcony edge. He was hogtied to his own battle staff. "These are some impressive knots."

"What can I say, I had a ton of practice with tying up Sabrina," Antibug bragged. The villain stood on the other end of the staff. Her body weight was the only thing keeping Chat Noir from falling to his death. "You, on the other hand, I always heard how much you suck at this, how you're always quickly defeated until Ladybug saves your shapely feline ass, but I never imagined you'd be this easy. You really are a sidekick."

"Not a sidekick! We're a team!" Chat Noir growled and struggled against the unbreakable thread.

"Oh really? Who has the world famous blog? Who has the successful toy line? Who has an entire section of r34 dedicated to her? _Nobody_ cares about Chat Noir! The only thing you're good at is getting mind controlled by Akumas and _dying_!"

There was no snarky comeback, no clever one-liner, no pun. The cat boy dangled there without a sound.

Hawkmoth muttered, "...You didn't have to be an asshole about it."

"Ladybrat, I know you can hear me! If you don't want to see Chat Noir die _again_ , then come out and give me your Miraculous. I'm gonna count to ten. ONE!"

Marinette's throat went dry. There was a gnawing and twisting in her gut but it wasn't because of the countdown. She found herself unable to tear her sights away from the boy who no longer struggled against his restraints. He only hanged pathetically in his prison, his pointed ears drooping towards the ground. With every inch those ears drooped, that twisting cut deeper. "Wait… am I… am I feeling bad for Chat Noir?"

Tikki shrugged.

"TWO!"

Marinette searched for the right way to describe the alien sensation. "It's this—like a—sort of a… BWUUUEEEGH…?"

Tikki took another bite out of her cookie. "You're a poet, you know that? Sorry, I ain't an expert when it comes to giving a crap about others."

"FOUR! No, wait. THREE!"

"Can you hurry up and finish that cookie, Tikki? I don't wanna face this concept right now."

"This cookie is bigger than my head! And you didn't get me a glass of milk, now did you?"

"FOUR!"

"What's the problem, Marinette? He's still got another life. Just let him die and you can have Chloe to yourself. That's what you want, right?"

"FIVE!"

"Y-Yes, that's… that's exactly what I want!" Marinette said.

"SIX!"

But she didn't believe her own words and neither did Tikki. "Wait, you were serious? You're actually starting to care about—"

"NO!"

"SEVEN!"

"Don't talk crazy! Why would I suddenly, out of nowhere, randomly…"

Then she remembered what Chat Noir said. ' _If you ever feel the need to talk to somebody… about your problems, I mean... I'd be happy to listen.'_

"This is about _practicality_!" Marinette shouted as the BWUUUEEEGH got stronger. "Yeah, that's it! He's only got one more spare life! Why use that here? It'd be a waste!"

"EIGHT!"

Tikki slowly chewed her cookie while staring at Marinette's extra wide forced smile. "If you say so."

"NINE!"

Before more holes could be poked in her thin logic, Marinette ran to the other side of the roof.

"TE—"

"Me and Chat Noir are a team and blah blah blah." The familiar voice sounded from the other end of the hotel.

"Ladybug..." Antibug smirked, weighed down the battle staff with a sofa chair, and pursued her target.

With the coast clear, Marinette snuck to the railing and pulled Chat Noir to safety. As she started untying him, Chat Noir looked at her in shock. "Princess?"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, don't question why I'm the only person in the evacuated hotel, it's perfectly normal and not suspicious at all that I'm here."

His surprise quickly morphed to a frown. "Figures. I'm so bad at being a hero that the citizens I'm supposed to be protecting need to save me." The thread fell around him, but the freed hero didn't get up. "Antibug's right, you know. I keep trying to deny it but, no matter how hard I try, I keep sucking at this. I'm either captured or possessed or killed within seconds. That's all I'm good for..." His ears drooped again.

"SO?!"

Chat Noir sat up and blinked in astonishment at the snarling girl.

The way he was acting, the whole _'woe is me, I'm a failure'_ act combined with the damn BWUUUEEEGH was pissing Marinette the hell off. How could he let Antibug bring him down so easily? That was _her_ job! Marinette's temper flared to new heights and she proceeded to lie like there was no tomorrow.

"I can't believe I have to explain this to you, Chat Noir! Do you really not grasp how _useful_ you are?!"

"U-Useful? But I get possessed and—"

"And suddenly Ladybug has to defeat somebody she already knows how to defeat! You getting taken over simplifies everything! And you almost always getting captured? Well, guess what! Now the Akuma has to worry about keeping an eye on a hostage on top of fighting Ladybug! You're the perfect distraction! And the dying? Don't call it that! It's not dying! It's valiantly sacrificing yourself so that the two of you can win together! Most idiots can only sacrifice themselves once, but you've already done it multiple times! Who wouldn't want that power?"

He listened, eyes as wide as the moon, lips slightly parted in a stupor. "But... the Ladyblog—"

"Forget about the blog and the toy line and the porn! You don't need any of that to be great, Chat Noir, because you already are great! I should know because..." Marinette scrunched her eyes and gulped back the bile and made the most terrible mistake of her life.

"I AM YOUR NUMBER ONE FAN!"

Her voice carried across Paris like rolling thunder. For a moment, it was as if the world itself had stopped and taken notice. There was a collective gasp from the streets below.

Marinette nearly slapped herself. "Oh Astruc dammit, they got that on camera, didn't they?"

She heard Nadia Chamack proclaim, "Breaking News: Chat Noir actually has a fan and it's Marinette Dupain-Cheng! This has many medical experts asking, 'What the hell is wrong with her?'"

Proud tears brimming, Chat Noir put a hand on the shoulder of the girl who looked like she was about upchuck her lunch onto the streets. "Thank you, Princess."

"Still didn't say you could touch me."

"You'd better get to a safe place." His confidence restored, the cat boy flexed his abs and his pecs and his shapely feline ass before flashing a toothy grin. "This is a job for a _hero._ " He jumped up to the roof.

Alone again, Marinette growled down at Tikki. "Are you done yet?"

"Done? I was ready to go before you untied him."

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

 _On the Roof:_

Antibug crushed the phone that had lured her to other side of the hotel with a recording of Ladybug. She turned around to find Chat Noir, out of his restraints and eager to fight.

"Bad kitty. Who let you out?" Antibug shoved both of her fists into the floor and pulled them back. She was now armed with a pair of concrete boxing gloves. "Oh look, you got something on your face. MY FIST!" She dove at him, arm cocked back for a massive punch!

"TIKKI, SPOTS THE FUCK ON!"

A pillar of red energy erupted like a volcano through the floor, directly in Antibug's path! Through the concrete exploded Ladybug who delivered a tooth shattering rising uppercut! The villain tumbled back to her corner of the roof, a little winded and her concrete fists destroyed.

Ladybug stood tall. "Hi there, I got a signed invitation here for Chloe Bourgeois to get her BONY ASS KICKED!"

Antibug popped her jaw back into place. "My ass is malignant, Bugbrain."

Both fired their yo-yos forward! The polkadotted weapons met in the center and clashed again and again! Sparks flew, igniting several fires on the rooftop! Antibug tore the pool's metal railing out and threw it like a javelin! Somehow, a toilet fell from the sky and intercepted the spear! Ladybug ripped several razor-sharp shards of porcelain out of the toilet and chucked them like daggers! Somehow, the powerful porcelain projectiles went off course and all landed a perfect bullseye on a dartboard across the street! Antibug made a molotov cocktail in the roof's bar and lobbed it! Somehow, the explosive safely landed in Ladybug's hand and she pulled out the flaming rag and chugged the vodka!

Chat Noir stepped in. "Stop! That won't work, LB. She has your luck. You can't hit her."

Ladybug finished the bottle, belched, and clenched her fist. "THE HELL I CAN'T!"

The goddesses charged each other, fire roaring in their eyes! They each threw a punch backed by every minute ounce of their super strength!

The fists met...

...and the planet shook.

In an instant, the roof's pool water evaporated! The clouds overhead disintegrated! Several days and nights passed in the blink of an eye as the impact knocked the Earth off its axis! Several countries were decimated as the planet played celestial pinball! The windforce from the collision of the two titans of hatred expanded across Paris like a bomb! Hawkmoth's spiral window was obliterated and what felt like a tornado tore through the hidden tower! Parisians who weren't indoors were flung like ragdolls down the street! The Eiffel Tower was ripped out of the ground and spiraled into the horizon before Big Ben landed in its place! Big Ben took off and the Empire State Building took the spot! Then the Eiffel Tower came back around the globe and landed on top of the Empire State Building!

 _In the Next Life:_

Astruc was glued to the timeline. He was about to shovel another spoonful of Fruity Pebbles into His gaping mouth when He felt a tremor shake the void. The shelf holding His cactus toppled over with a crash. **"...Whoa... Eh, I'll get that later."** He scooted a couple feet away from the broken pottery and kept watching.

 _Back on Earth:_

After what felt like an eternity, the dust finally settled.

Chat Noir, who had barely managed to cling to the roof railing, opened his eyes. Ladybug and Antibug stood at the center of a smoking crater, their fists still touching.

At the same time, they both dropped to their knees and grabbed their punching hand.

"OWOWOW! Ow, that hurt so bad!"

"Is there still skin underneath? I feel like it peeled off!"

"We are not doing that again!"

"Agreed!"

"Lucky Charm Duel?" Ladybug suggested.

"Lucky Charm Duel," Antibug nodded.

Both polkadotted girls tossed up their yo-yos! Into Ladybug's hands landed a polkadotted bag of marbles. Into Antibug's hands landed the largest most deadly polkadotted war sword in existence that somehow had _four_ bladed edges and spikes and a cute little ladybug keychain!

"Ooh, marbles. I'll trade ya," Antibug offered.

"Wait, really?"

"Nope." The Akuma brought the heavy blade down, cracking the entire hotel in half!

Ladybug was starting to feel a touch intimidated. Chat Noir took a fighting pose next to her. "Alright, LB, you go after her earrings. I'll do what I do best and valiantly sacrifice my 2nd to last life to take the blow."

"No, don't!" Ladybug grabbed him.

"Huh?" Chat Noir blinked.

"Yeah, what he said. Huh?" Antibug agreed.

Ladybug began to panic sweat and jerkily let go of the boy. She had not meant to say that. It just... shoved its way out with a burst of BWUUUEEEGH. "Da, um, uh, I mean, remember how she taunted you earlier? She'll totally see that plan coming a mile away. Yeah, that's the reason. I'M NOT LOSING MY MIND!"

"Then… what do you suggest?"

Ladybug thought hard for a good 2 seconds.

Then she tossed the bag. It split open and the marbles rolled across the roof. Antibug stepped on them, lost her footing, and slipped toward the huge canyon she had carved into the hotel. She teetered on the edge for a few moments. Chat Noir poked her over with his battle staff. Antibug plummeted, screaming the entire way!

 _SQUISH!_

"Ow, my ears!"

A black butterfly fluttered into the open.

"Why does that always work?" Chat Noir wondered.

Ladybug quickly de-evilized the butterfly and cast Miraculous Ladybug.

The Empire State Building and Big Ben were returned home!

The hotel was made whole!

Hawkmoth's destroyed lair was repaired!

Hawkmoth just stood there. "Did I… Did I nearly destroy the world? Note to self: never akumatize Chloe again. Ever."

In a swish of red, Chloe was returned to the roof and transformed back to her bitchy self. "Huh? What am I doing here?" Ladybug came to the girl and glared at her.

"I'm only saying this so you don't go all villain on us again, and I'm _not_ going to say it nicely because I know your ego will take the slightest compliment as the highest praise." She bit her tongue and pushed the disgusting words out like they were pure acid. "Thank you for trying to help fix the problem YOU caused."

Chloe radiated joy. "Well of course I had to step in. It wasn't as if you or Chat Noir could handle things. Who else would put their life at risk like that?"

"Most of the human race. And they wouldn't have made it worse."

Just as predicted, Chloe's ego filtered out the negative parts. "Oh, you flatter moi, Ladybug. I just might reconsider being your most loyal and adoring fan who also happens to dress like you in more intimate situations."

Ladybug shivered in revulsion. "As long as you keep it in the bedroom, I don't care. But if you really are my most loyal and adoring fan, then I hereby order you to apologize to Sabrina. Not pay someone else to say it for you. _You_ have to say it, Chloe."

The girl went pale.

Satisfied, Ladybug turned to her partner. "Chat Noir, I am only going to say this once so listen carefully. I'm serious, these words will never come out of my mouth a second time." The heroine prayed this wouldn't blow up in her face. Normally, she wouldn't do this but she hadn't gotten rid of that BWUUUEEEGH yet. She spoke as slowly and as carefully as she would tread across a minefield. "You are... we make a... I think that you're... I _appreciate_ you."

She expected surprise, a cheesy grin, an awful pun coupled with a groping hand. However, the boy looked back at her with absolutely no reaction. He was as still as a statue.

"Chat, did you hear m—"

Suddenly, a surge of black magic coursed across Chat Noir and he gasped for breath.

Ladybug stared. "Did… you… just… _die?_ "

You—" _Gasp. Gasp._ "really have a way with words, M'Lady." _Gasp. Gasp._ "I knew you were a _heartstopper_ , but you didn't have to take it so literally." _Gasp. Gasp._ "Looks like I'm down to my final life."

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

* * *

 _The Next Day, at School:_

The air was thick with tension as the class watched Chloe walk to her desk as fearfully as she would walk to her execution.

Alya whispered to Marinette, "What's going on?"

"Get your phone out and livestream to every blog you got. This is going to be historic."

The blonde sat down and folded her arms in her usual 'I'm better than the rest of you' fashion. However, the haughty scowl couldn't hide the way her legs were fidgeting. Next came Sabrina. Her head bowed in shame, she went to the desk that she shared with Chloe but didn't sit. The moments dragged on with neither making a move.

Finally, Sabrina started. "I'm sorry about the—"

"STOP!" Chloe held her chin high, refusing to look at anyone. "We both made mistakes, mostly you. We both said things we shouldn't have, mostly you. So since _somebody_ was wrong—not gonna name names—then somebody has to make things right. You obviously don't have the mental capacity, which leaves it up to moi." Chloe slapped a little piece of metal on the desk and slid it towards Sabrina.

The girl gasped. "But that's your Dom pin!"

"Yeah, well," Chloe shrugged. "I was thinking I could be the bottom for a while. See what the fuss is all about… Mistress."

Every jaw in the room dropped.

Sabrina, beyond happy, clipped on the Dom pin and wrapped Chloe in a powerful hug. "Oh thankyouthankyouthankyou! I promise I'll be gentle!"

"Banana! _Banana! BANANA!_ " Chloe screamed.

"Would you look at that." Adrien beamed with pride. "Chloe figured out how to say sorry."

"A little indirect, but yeah," Nino agreed. "She actually apologized."

"Isn't that a sign of the apocalypse?" Alya asked.

Marinette chuckled. "Hahah, sure, like the world is going to end because Chloe showed humanity. That's silly." The rest of the class joined Marinette in laughter… which slowly died to silent concern as they felt an ominous wind of dire foreshadowing blow through the room.

"It is silly, right, Alix?" Marinette turned to their resident time traveler... but her desk was empty.

"...Alix?"

TO BE CONCLUDED

 _Some of you might be asking how could I possibly top this? Oh ye of little faith. Do you remember what Alix said so long ago? '...I have been to the series finale and most of you die…'_

 _Come back in two weeks._


	36. 25 When Marinette Met Lila

_STORY [noun]: An ugly truth wrapped in a beautiful lie._

 _I began scribbling this finale way back in September of 2018 and never truly finished until an hour ago (I AM NEVER SATISFIED!). Every chapter since that September has been adding to this moment, refining the jokes and the story and the characters. If there's one thing I LOVE about endings, it's bringing EVERYTHING FULL CIRCLE!_

 _HOLD ONTO YOUR BUTTS!_

* * *

 _EPILOGUE_

 _"And... post."_

 _It was official. The final chapter of 'Miraculous Headache' was online. The strong warm sense of accomplishment of finishing over 2 years of work washed over me. This was something I made. Me. All by myself. Tapping into a creativity I never knew I had, a completely new world had been born from my fingers. And now... i_ _t was over._

 _"Any, um, new emails, Lappy?"_

 _A little digital envelope appeared on the screen. "Just confirmation that the last chapter has been uploaded. I'm sure there will be reviews soon."_

 _"Okay, um, how about now?"_

 _"No."_

 _"...Now?"_

 _"When I said 'soon' I meant in a few hours. They need to read it first. Give them time. It's the longest thing you've ever written."_

 _"Right, right, right." I settled on my couch, looking at my LA apartment. Amazingly, during my stay in Paris it somehow didn't change a bit. Sure, there was dust and a pile of mail waiting, but there wasn't a paper out of place. There weren't any signs of life. My apartment had truly been an abandoned cave. And even though I had moved back in... it still felt_ empty _. When I called my parents to tell them I was back, they were very confused and asked what the hell 'back' was supposed to mean. By the time I realized they never knew I was gone, I had already hanged up. Strange. I never thought about it before but... am I lonely? I don't really think I understood the concept until I went to Paris, until I met..._

 _"Should I check for tweets about when the next Miraculous episode will premiere?" Lappy offered._

 _The suggestion of my most frequent habit left a sinking pit in my stomach. "No."_

 _"Fanart?"_

 _The pit got deeper. "No."_

 _"What about—"_

 _"Lappy..." The pixely face waited with a happy smile. I took a deep breath and said the words before I could think of an excuse. "Call Amelie."_

 _At the sight of the ringing phone animation I hugged my knees and dared not to blink. The phone vanished and in its place she appeared. "Did you hear of a premiere before me, Monsieur Big?"_

 _"Um, no..." I attempted to adopt the most casual, normal, conversational, not-making-this-up-as-I-go pose possible and smiled. "Just... checking up on ya."_

 _Officer Amelie narrowed her eyes at me. "Are you being held hoztage? Do zey have a gun? Blink two timez for oui."_

 _"What?! No! I'm not a hostage!" I grabbed Lappy and spun it around to show Amelie the empty apartment. "Look! See? Only me._ _There's nobody else here. Just like yesterday and the day before that and the months away in Europe before that. Nobody! Absolutely nobody in... my... life..._ _" That pit in my stomach was getting disturbingly deep._

 _On the screen, Amelie lit a cigarette and asked, "Zen why did you call?"_

 _"Because I wanted to—" The words caught in my throat. I put Lappy down, squatted on my couch, and hugged my knees again. "I wanted to, you know, talk." I was whispering._

 _Amelie raised an eyebrow._ _"Talk?"_

 _"Yeah, like, um, uh, how was your day?"_

 _"I only finished lunch, Monsieur Big."_

 _"Then how was your morning?"_

 _She stared at me while taking a couple of puffs. Because of the long distance connection, I couldn't tell if she was making the classic stoic 'fuck you' face of France or the mysterious stoic pondering face of understanding. Or maybe she was holding in a sneeze. Anything is possible._

 _"I will tell you about my morning if you tell me about yourz."_

 _"Really?" I whispered again._

 _"But only zee morning. I do not care about how you ztupid Americanz spend zee rest of zee day."_

 _So Amelie told me about her morning and I told her about mine. And then we kept talking. We talked about the stupid things that happened in Paris. We talked about how I had yet to track down that amazing French orange juice back in America. We talked about stuff that didn't matter at all. But with ever minute that passed that pit in my stomach became shallower and shallower until it was finally gone._

 _"I wish I could show you around Los Angeles, Amelie. I think you'd like it here."_

 _"Fine."_

 _"...Fine?"_

 _"Oui, I will come. But do not make zis weird and tell your family zat I am your foreign girlfriend or zomething. I will crush any lie you tell like a bug."_

 _"You want me to tell them the truth?"_

 _Amelie stopped and reflected on the madness 'truth' entailed. "Fine, I will pretend to be your foreign girlfriend, but we break up after. Deal?"_

 _I smiled and started searching for her plane ticket. "Deal!"_

 _START HERE_

* * *

 **Miraculous Headache  
** _Chapter 25: When Marinette Met Lila  
_ By: I Write Big

There comes a moment in every person's life that would be considered the 'Point of No Return.'

That point is never obvious. That point can only be seen when a person looks back. That point may be a choice as simple as making a left or it may be as monumental as the loss of a loved one. However, the point, no matter how big or small, is where everything changes and nothing can go back to the way it once was. Marinette thought her 'Point of No Return' was the day she became Ladybug. She was wrong. Her actual 'Point of No Return' was the day she met Lila three weeks ago. And, as most had come to expect, Marinette's 'Point of No Return' was a _DOOZY_ for everyone on Earth.

"I miss porn," Alix's brother Jalil whined.

"Yeah, well, I _don't_ miss finding 'zombies gangbanging mummy MILF' in my search history every week, Jalil!" Alix's dad chastised. "Now shut your necrophiliac mouth and finish the hieroglyph!"

Alix tightened the laces on her skates as she watched her dad and her older brother carefully paint the ancient Egyptian incantation circle on what was left of the Louvre's glass pyramid. They were almost done. It was almost time to go.

"Are you sure you want to do this?" Gabriel Agreste asked her what had to be the millionth time. It was dumbfounding how meek the once ever scowling fashion mogul had become since he lost his son. The bazillionaire was now draped in dirty rags and stained with ashes like the rest of them. Since that fateful day, he had spent every waking hour handstitching intricate turtle shell patterns into Alix's trench coat that he claimed would magically protect her. How far the mighty have fallen. "There's no guarantee this will work or that you'll return."

Alix scoffed and twirled her useless time traveling pocket watch with fake bravado. "Not much choice with this hunk of junk broken. Besides..." Her voice got somber as the faces of each of her frightened classmates flashed across her mind seconds before they were lost forever. The face she remembered the clearest was that of a certain jock, turning towards her, arm outstretched as if to shield her. Then his eyes became robotic red. The rest of her class turned to dust. Her hand stroked the golden Valentine's Day brooch that decorated her skates. "There's nobody fun here anymore."

A cold yet comforting silicon hand touched her shoulder. "You will see him again," Ladydoll beeped in assurance.

"It's ready!" Jalil proclaimed as he placed a final stroke. He raised a golden scepter and read from a papyrus, "Klaatu Barada Nikto! By the power of Ra, I command you to open!" The giant circle consumed the mummified candelabra in its center and then began to emanate a soft glow that coalesced into a portal. Gentle notes reminiscent of a wind chime tinkled from the ethereal light. Everybody gazed in awe of the ancient magic. Jalil whispered, "Told you, father. The Egyptians were right."

"Astounding!" someone who wasn't his father congratulated.

The small group snapped around to see...

Standing atop the rubble of the museum...

With glowing red robotic eyes...

The deceptively human figure of...

ADRIEN AGRESTE!

"Commendations to you on finding a brand of magic which I had not considered!" The suave metallic voice of DB-M-9K 5.0 poured from Adrien's lips. "Oh, where are my manners? Salutations, band of rebels! Thank you for revealing where you've been hiding! Goodbye!" With a wave of his arm, the horde of robotomized Parisians flooded over the edge and into the courtyard!

"Go, Alix! Go now!" her dad shouted.

The teen skated towards the Egyptian portal. On every side, streaks of electricity shot, robotomizing the last of the human race. Heli-Chopper took flight, trying to carry as many survivors to safety as it could. But a red-eyed Toothless tackled the machine back to the street and the massive cyborg moth began to tear the giant robot to shrapnel. Alix kept the tears back, the only way to save them now was on the other side. Her mind focused on her jock and seeing his stupid grin again.

She could fix this!

She could do this!

A weight heavier than anything she had ever felt, pressed down on Alix's back and she fell to the ground. Dread iced Alix's veins. She knew this shapeless weight that squeezed on all sides. It stalked her in her nightmares. As if struggling against the strength of a tidal wave, Alix shakily managed to raise her head.

It was _them_.

The one who had destroyed the world...

The one who had taken away her jock...

The one who had broken her pocket watch...

Floating between Alix and the portal, cloaked in the ultimate power that pulsated from her red earrings and black ring, was...

MARINETTE DUPAIN-CHENG!

"Please," Alix begged her former classmate. "I can fix this, Marinette. You don't have to be this way."

The goddess' stone cold glare didn't change. There wasn't an ounce of empathy or humanity left in her blue eyes. It was like she had been pushed past a point. You know, a moment she couldn't return from. There's a phrase for that. Anyway, a flash of magic came from somewhere on Marinette's body and a little glowing blue creature with peacock feathers appeared. It floated to the pinned down Alix with a look of care.

"Oh my... You've lost so much. Your friends... Your family... I'm sorry, I am so sorry." Tears welled up in the small creature's bulbous eyes and it started to cry. "Boohoo... Boohoo... BoohoohoohooheheeheeeheeeHAAHAAHAAAAAH!" To Alix's horror, the thing's tears of sorrow became tears of joy and its sad cries morphed into unhinged laughter. "What's got you _down_ , huh? Hehheh! Crumbling under the _pressure_ , are we? Hoohoooo! That just brings me to _tears_. HAHAHAHAAHAHAHHAAAA!"

"Duusu!" a tiny voice snapped. It belonged to another small creature, only this one was purple-pink and had the wings of a moth.

The blue thing, Duusu, groaned like a child who was told it was time to put the toys away. "Ugh, fine. Such a party-pooper. Why so serious, Nooroo? What about you, Marinette? Come on, sweetheart, give us a smile. You're acting like _somebody died_. Oh wait! They did! HeheheheHAHAHAHAHAHAH!" In a flash of magic, both Duusu and Nooroo were siphoned back into Marinette's body and her cloak of ultimate power was reinvigorated.

Marinette raised her hand, crushed a ball of darkness in her palm… and faced the portal.

"NO!" Alix screamed. "You can't!"

Marinette reeled back her arm and shoved it at the portal! Inches before her hand struck, Ladydoll leaped before her and took the blow! The world went silent. Marinette for a second actually looked surprised.

"And here I thought I erased irony from existence." Marinette sneered at the visage of her former self.

"To assume is human," Ladydoll beeped back as rust spread across its body. "Bad touch detected. SAFE LOVE MEASURES ACTIVATED!" Intense lasers erupted out of the machine's eyes and blasted Marinette across the city and into the mangled iron skeleton of the Eiffel Tower!

The shapeless weight vanished from Alix's back and she scrambled to her dying ally. "Ladydoll!"

"Quit wasting time and save him!" the crumbling machine ordered. Ladydoll grabbed Alix and with the last of its battery reserves threw the girl into the portal. "Save _Adrien!_ " Alix vanished and Ladydoll turned to dust.

Almost immediately the Eiffel Tower disintegrated and Marinette flew like a rocket straight at the portal! However, she was halted mere inches from entering by what seemed to be an invisible magic field! Summoning another Ultimate Cataclysm, Marinette scrapped the barrier to no avail.

"Hmm, it appears these Egyptians developed a magic resilient to the Miraculous, Miss Dupain-Cheng," DB-M-9K 5.0 observed.

Duusu popped out with an ugly frown, "Now, that's not funny."

"Stop her!" Marinette growled. "Bring her back at all costs!"

"I will complete the delivery of the Pink Devil at once, Miss!" The doorbell in Adrien's body happily saluted and followed Alix into the portal.

* * *

 _ **THREE WEEKS AGO**_

It was a beautiful, non-apocalyptic, rubble-free Thursday in Paris, France. The weekend was just around the corner and Adrien was eager to go outside and socialize with his commoner friends. As he rode the down marble escalator, he caught his Father shouting on the phone.

"No, you fool! Do you realize what you've done?!" The shouts came from his slightly open office door and Adrien decided to take a quick peek. His Father was frantically flipping through a thick and old looking book. "The pattern I sent you was already augmented to not cast any spells! If you change even one thread on that dress, who knows what magic you'll unleash! Also, it would clash with the hat I have in mind! Don't touch anything, I'm coming over!"

Then, to Adrien's utter shock, his Father swung aside the golden painting of Mother to reveal a hidden safe Adrien had never seen before! The man quickly stored the old book inside the safe and dashed out the door without noticing Adrien. With the coast clear, Adrien entered and approached the painting.

"I don't understand. Father already owns half the vaults of Switzerland, why would he need a personal safe?"

Plagg floated out and offered his wise opinion. "It must hold some serious emotional baggage that means a lot to your dad. We should respect his privacy and let it be."

Adrien stared at the Kwami.

"Relax, dude, I'm joking." Plagg lazily reached an arm nub through the solid steel door and easily opened the lock. "Let's see what's behind door number… fuck…"

Both saw it at the same time. Sitting in front of a photo of Mother was a purple and blue jewel fashioned to resemble the fanning feathers of a peacock.

A sweet whisper echoed in the recesses of both of their minds, _('Plagg, ol' buddy, ol' pal! How's my favorite li'l hairball of annihilation?')_

The Kwami shrugged. "Eh, pretty mellow. After Pompeii, trying to destroy the world kinda got boring for me. Tikki's still into it, but I'm more of a go-with-the-flow-and-get-kids-laid-while-crashing-at-their-place-and-eating-their-food kinda Kwami now. Plus, we're basically enslaved to protect humanity against our will, so... yeah. How have you been?"

 _('...Bored... I've had nothing to do in this box except stare at Gabe's ball and chain. Poor bastard is more whipped than a slice of pumpkin pie on Thanksgiving. Heeheeehee! The sob stories I could tell you. Ooh, they make me wanna cry, but instead let's have some FUN!')_

Before Adrien could ask Plagg who he was talking to, the boy was overwhelmed with this out of nowhere compulsion to _touch_ the peacock jewel...

To _hold_ its breathtaking shape...

To _wear_ its marvelous colors...

So _precious_...

 _('Yes, do it… Free me and I'll show you how I cure a case of the blues. HoohoohooheeheeeheeHAAHAAHAAAA—')_

"Oh sorry, no, I could never steal from Father, Mister or Misses Disembodied Voice."

 _('...Wait, what?')_

Plagg was genuinely impressed. "Whoa, did you just resist pure evil, man? Way to go."

"Now, this book on the other hand," Adrien pulled the ancient tome from the safe. "Clearly, it's overdue. Father is so busy he probably forgot commoners need to return borrowed books to the library. I'll help Father out and return it for him. Bye, Mister or Misses Disembodied Voice."

 _('Get back here, you sonuva—')_

Adrien slammed the safe shut and left, whistling blissfully.

 _Meanwhile, at Marinette's:_

"Bye, mom and dad, I'm heading to school." Marinette waved on the way out.

"Have a nice day, honey." Tom waved back. He then began arranging that morning's fresh batch of croissants. The man paused… Did he hear wind chimes?

SKRTCH!

A golden portal surrounded by ancient Egyptian hieroglyphs whose true meaning had been long forgotten ripped open in front of the register and out tumbled a rag and ash covered Alix.

The portal sealed behind her with an equally obnoxious SKRTCH!

"Morning, Alix! Back from another time traveling adventure?" Sabine greeted as she came to the register. "Portal's new. Much louder than your usual explosions."

The skater whipped around, wide-eyed at her surroundings. She sighed in relief. "It worked."

"I love your turtle shell trench coat. Can I get you anything before class starts? Croissant? Baguette? A bowl of chocolate milk to dip bananas into, because evidently that's a breakfast French people eat?" Sabine offered.

Alix slowly stood on her skates and said, "I need to speak to The Baker."

"Right here!" Tom waved.

"The Baker And The Candlestick Maker," Alix added.

Both parents visibly tensed. "Alix... we're retired," Tom cautiously tried to explain.

"Yes!" Sabine agreed as she discreetly reached for her candelabra. "Whatever you heard about us, we don't do that anymore."

"Well, except that one time for our anniversary."

"Tom!"

"Mr. and Mrs. Dupain-Cheng, this is about your daughter," Alix interrupted with firm resolve. There wasn't any time to waste. The future needed to be saved. "She needs your help, otherwise today is going to be _the worst day of her life._ "

 _Meanwhile, at school:_

Marinette was on the road to having the best day of her life. Fighting an akumatized Chloe had released years of pent up stress, leaving her feeling lighter than air and beaming with a smile that hadn't left for an entire week. Maybe she should make a habit of pissing Chloe off so she would have a consistent cathartic punching bag!

As she skipped through the front doors she overheard Rose gushing to a dead looking Juleka. "Can you believe Lila donated all three of her kidneys to sick baby dolphins? She's so genesis!"

"Generous," Juleka corrected.

That claim made Marinette pause. Humans only have _two_ kidneys and need at least _one_ to live… and were human kidneys even compatible with dolphins? Marinette shrugged it off, reasoning Rose had probably used the wrong words again.

Then Nino passed by and she overheard him say, "Lila personally knows the famous Hollywood movie director Steven Bieselberg and she said he could give me a loan!"

Again, Marinette paused. Nobody in their right mind would give Nino a loan. Not after all of his failing businesses were acquired and shut down by Gabriel Agreste. Nino was essentially blacklisted by the rich elite. Again, Marinette shrugged it off, reasoning it was just another long-con the boy was planning.

Then Sabrina stomped by and she overheard her. "Can you believe Jagged Stone wrote five whole albums about Lila? Ridiculous! Especially when he has a muse like _you_ to inspire him, Chloe!"

Chloe rolled her eyes. "You're really not getting this whole Dom thing, Sabrina. You're supposed to make everything about _yourself_."

"Oh! Um, uh, who cares about Jagged Stone writing songs about stupid Lila? I wrote an entire opera about you!"

"Just _one_?! Typical..."

Okay, something was definitely wrong here. Jagged Stone does not write songs about kids. Jagged Stone fucking hates kids!

Marinette ran to Alya. "Who the fuck is this Lila?"

"Didn't you hear? She's the new transfer student from Italy," Alya excitedly explained. "She's amazing! On her flight over here, the pilot had a heart attack and Lila singlehandedly landed the plane!"

Marinette narrowed her eyes in suspicion. "She landed a plane?"

"Seconds before it could crash into an orphanage of puppies!"

Marinette's eyes narrowed even more. "A _puppy_ orphanage?"

"Or maybe it was a kitten orphanage. I don't know, the dumb lame-stream media decided not to report it since nobody died. At least, that's what Lila said when I found absolutely no proof of any kind to support her claim. That makes perfect sense to me." Alya shrugged before holding up her phone. "She even gave me an exclusive interview for the Ladyblog because Ladybug saved her life once. Watch!"

Alya pressed play on the video and a pre-recorded Lila bragged. "Oh yeah, me and Ladybug? We're basically sisters. We've done each others hair, traded bras, we even practice kissing each other every once in a while. What, you think I'm lying? I'm not lying. You can't prove I'm lying. Two plus two equals four. See, I told a truth, that means I'm incapable of lying."

Marinette sighed. "Greeeaaat, another nutjob for this looney bin we call a school. Is it too much to ask for normal high school dramaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAA!" Her wrench wound pulsed uncontrollably as she glanced upstairs and saw _**LILA HOLDING ADRIEN'S HAND!**_ "What is she doing?!" Marinette demanded as the two walked off together. "WHAT IS SHE DOING WITH _MY ADRIEN?_!?"

Alya gasped. This was it! The moment Alya had been waiting for! She got a good angle for the eruption for her ' _Demons_Are_Real'_ blog. "Looks like they're heading off to the library together. Probably because she likes him. You're not... _jealous_ , are you?"

And then Marinette was gone.

Alya spun around in search, but the girl had vanished into thin air. It might have been Alya's imagination but she thought she heard a seething inhuman guttural murmur near the library…

"...Mine…"

 _In the library:_

The beast didn't make a sound as she slithered through the door. She saw the Librarian was busy watching the entire school on her plasma TV and so, under the cover of darkness, creeped deeper into the bookshelves. She could see his scent. _His glorious scent_. The scent hanged in the air like a trail of breadcrumbs, guiding her towards where her Adrien was held captive by the whore…

There he sat. Alone. Where was his captor? She deserved a slow and painful flaying…

"Holy fucking merde!" her Kwami squeaked and she popped out in front of her.

Marinette blinked. "Tikki? What's wrong?"

"Shut up! SHUT! UP!" Tikki slapped Marinette repeatedly, her bulbous malformed eyes glued on the old looking book Adrien had pulled from his bag. "Motherfucker… Marinette, we need to get that book!"

"What? Why?"

"Do not question me!" The Kwami looked more serious than ever before. "Get it! Or I'll make you get it!"

"Tikki, calm down, let's talk this ov—"

"GET! BOOK!"

The Kwami dove at Marinette's chest and melted into her skin. Icy coldness spread down the girl's spine, up her neck, and to the tips of her fingers. No longer in control, Marinette began to impossibly crabwalk _up_ the wall. She watched helplessly as her body kept crawling higher and higher, until she was clinging to the ceiling upside down! For no discernible reason, her head spun a full 720 degrees before her sights forcefully focused on the table Adrien was using and her vision unnaturally zoomed in on its pages. They looked to be decorated with oriental designs of… superheroes? Marinette felt her muscles tense. Oh no… Tikki was going to make her pounce to the table and steal the book in front of Adrien! She would never be able to explain this! He was going to think she was some kind of acrobatic freak thief!

Then Lila sat down.

"Thanks for helping me with my history homework," she said. "It's so much more fun to do it together. Unless, there's something else you want to do with a pretty foreign girl in an empty library where nobody would bother us? You know, something else that's _fun_ …?"

Lila leaned towards Adrien with a seductive smile and that's when Marinette knew.

It was her.

She dyed and grew out her hair, wore tinted contacts, and hid like a coward in a completely different country… but it was _her_.

This Lila was the one whose Adrien's Valentine's Day Poem was meant for…

This Lila was the one who _tricked_ Adrien into _thinking_ he had a crush on her…

This Lila was She-Who-Must-Die…

Marinette felt her wrench wound pulse again. With the pulsing some sense of self-control was regained. Her muscles tensed even more but they weren't getting ready to jump and steal. They were priming to gut and eviscerate…

"Actually, there is!" Adrien happily pushed the old book to Lila. "Father says it's smart to outsource aid from people who won't expect pay. Maybe you can help me with this!"

Lila looked back and forth between hot sexy Adrien Agreste and the boring not sexy old book. She wondered if she hadn't been obvious enough. "Um… okay, what is it?" She reluctantly flipped through some of the pictures.

"I thought it was a book Father had borrowed and was going to return it for him. But I guess it's just a book about superheroes."

"Oh my gosh, I love superheroes!" Lila did her best fake ' _I'm totally interested in what you're talking about'_ voice and then poured on the charm. "Maybe I can show you my favorite _supermoves..._ " Lila waggled her eyebrows and _**PUT HER HAND ON ADRIEN'S HAND!**_

Marinette bared her fangs! None may touch! _('NONE! MINE!')_

 _('BOOK!')_ The other thought practically shouted in her ear!

Marinette shook her head in protest! (' _MINE!')_

 _('BOOK!')_ One of her arms punched her face and Marinette began to wrestle with her uncooperative possessed body across the ceiling!

Adrien pulled his hand away and gave Lila a tissue. "Here, your hands are sweaty."

Lila took the tissue with a look that asked ' _What the fuck?'_ before she turned a page and found a picture of a very ninja-like Ladybug.

Adrien gasped. "Is that an Anime Ladybug? That is so cool!"

"Oh!" Lila giggled. "You got a soft spot for the bug, huh?"

"I mean, uh, she, um, she's got a great ass," Adrien admitted with a blush.

"Can't disagree with you there. Not the best kisser, but she's learning." Then Lila shifted her seat so close to Adrien that _**THEY TOUCHED SHOULDERS!**_ "If you like a girl in costume, _I'm game..._ "

Marinette nearly launched herself at Lila, fully intending to decapitate the wretch, but that _('BOOK!')_ thought threw her back against the ceiling! She hit the ceiling so hard she made a Marinette-shaped crater!

"You mean cosplaying? That's more Chloe's game. I prefer action figures." Adrien smiled.

Lila stared at him. "...You... really are just a sweet ignorant boy, aren't you?"

"Although, I do dabble in Ladybug fanfiction every once in a while."

"Fine, I don't mind a challenge." Lila decided to switch tactics. "I'm super close with Ladybug by the way. Totally lezzed out with her several times."

"I don't know what 'lezzed out' means. Is it like leasing? Father says leasing is for people who are too poor to own important things."

"I can tell you all about it." Lila leaned close to him again while discreetly knocking the old oriental book off the table and into her bag. "After school, at the park?"

Completely unfazed by the feeling of a pair of boobs pressed against him that didn't belong to Ladybug, Adrien nodded. "Okay! See you then!" And he left, whistling blissfully at his suddenly light schoolbag.

Once he was gone, Lila opened the ancient book and found a picture of a fox-themed hero. She smiled as a plan began to form and she left the library. Once Lila was gone, Marinette gracelessly belly-flopped onto the table followed by several ceiling tiles. Tikki popped out of her body.

"What the hell?! Get a hold of yourself, Marinette, we need that book!"

"Fuck your book! I will not let that skank have MY ADRIEN!" The girl bolted out of the library, ignoring the sound of what she thought were wind chimes.

SKRTCH!

An Egyptian portal opened at the Librarian's front desk and out walked red-eyed Adrien.

The portal closed. SKRTCH!

"Shh!" the Librarian scolded.

"Functional interior lighting? Oh dear, this is before..." DB-M-9K looked to the Librarian's TV and saw on the outdoor feed Marinette barreling out of the school. She was carefully pursuing _Lila…_

* * *

 _Later:_

Marinette's patience was growing thin. The lying, Adrien-stealing, and very fat Lila had been keeping to public spaces, slipping only momentarily into a jewelry shop before heading towards the park. She needed her prey to not be watched by potential witnesses for half a second and then she would strike.

"Are you seriously about to murder that girl?"

Marinette stopped spying on Lila from behind a tree and looked down at Tikki with apprehension. "Um, uh, maybe not _that_. Just, you know, scare her or expose her lies or—"

"Because, as long as I get that book, I don't care. Kill her."

Marinette squealed in delight and tore off a tree branch to sharpen into a stake. As she armed herself, Lila put on a necklace with a pendant that resembled an orange fox tail. Marinette jumped out of her hiding spot, her weapon raised!

Then her Adrien arrived.

Marinette immediately ducked back behind the tree with no clue what to do. There couldn't be any witnesses, least of all her Adrien. That'd just make things weird.

Tikki growled at the couple. "She dumped the book in the trash! Go get it!"

"But what about taking care of Lila?"

"Get that book and I'll let you use Ladybug on her!"

Marinette said nothing. She dropped the wooden stake and casually walked over to the couple.

"So yeah, I'm actually the Miraculous Wielder known as Volpina and I've been secretly working for the Pope to protect the world from the true threat of the underground armies of Mole People while Ladybug and Chat Noir waste time with those small fry Akumas."

"Wow! Oh hi, Marinette!" Adrien waved. "Did you know Lila is a superhero who lezzes out with Ladybug?"

Marinette said nothing. She pulled the book out of the trashcan and walked away. Neither Lila nor Adrien really knew how to respond. As soon as Marinette was hidden on the other side of the park fence she stuffed the book into her backpack and emptily stared at a dumbstruck Tikki.

"Huh..." the Kwami remarked. "Countless deadly wars have been waged across the world for possession of that book. Didn't think it would be that easy."

"You got what you wanted." Marinette's eyes flashed with bloodlust. "Now it's my turn. Tikki, spots on!" In flourish of red she became a very angry Ladybug.

Back in the park, Adrien was carefully inspecting Lila's fox pendant. "You're telling me this piece of plastic is a Miraculous?"

"Plastic?! That shopkeeper told me it was gold!"

A polkadotted muscular leg embedded itself on the bench between the teens. None other than Ladybug leaned into Lila's face with a territorial snarl. "Hey Lila! Long time no see! You up for another ' _lezzing out'_ session?"

Lila gaped.

"Oh don't be shy! After all, you and I have been _totally_ lezzing on each other for _years_! Come on, let me show ya the definition of _FRENCHING_!" She smashed her lips against Lila's and shoved her tongue down Lila's throat! Ladybug never realized how a girl's tonsils could taste so pink.

Adrien couldn't look away. "Oh… so that's what 'lezzing out' means..."

Ladybug got even more aggressive and thrusted a hand under Lila's shirt, searching for the bra hook.

Adrien was starting to get into this. "Why do I like it so much?"

"AAAH!" Lila pushed the grabby Ladybug back. "That was a lie! I was lying!"

"What a shocker," Ladybug smiled.

"I'm sorry..." Lila whimpered as real tears rolled down her cheeks. "Adrien, please, I was only trying to get you to like me—" Adrien wasn't listening. He was drooling over the raised hot, sexy, Amazonian leg on the bench before him. Lila gritted her teeth, "Forget it!" and ran off, bawling her eyes out. Lila smacked face first into several trees.

Ladybug watched the pathetic loser go without a single ounce of remorse. Victory was hers. Lila may have lived but she had been humiliated in front of a cute boy. For a teenage girl, that was a fate worse than death.

"Um, excuse me, L-Ladybug?" She turned towards her Adrien who was still blushing at how close her raised THICC leg was to his face. "Not that I'm not happy to see you, but don't you think you were a little harsh?"

And suddenly the sense of victory was gone. He disapproved of her actions? _Adrien_ didn't like what _Ladybug_ did? Normally, she didn't give a fuck what anyone thought but _her Adrien..._ Ladybug looked back towards Lila just before the crying girl smacked face first into a lamp post and disappeared around the corner. There was this urge to follow her. To apologize. For what? She didn't do anything wrong! She wasn't the liar here! But then why did her Adrien…?

Her wrench wound pulsed. Frustrated, Ladybug lassoed a rooftop and swung away.

 _Down the road:_

After the seventh lamp post to the face, Lila concluded that running while being blinded by tears was a bad choice and collapsed to the sidewalk. She glanced up and saw she was kneeling before a grand Ladybug poster. The image filled her with so much _anger_ …

 _Meanwhile:_

In a tower hidden somewhere in the city, a great spiral window opened, illuminating the haunting figure of a man was also on the verge of tears. "What could be driving such a poor child to constantly lie like this?" Hawkmoth whispered with parental empathy. "Is it a lack of self-confidence? Does she feel like she needs to impress people? Is it because she truly dreams of becoming more and can't help sharing her dreams? Is it because her family keeps moving and she in turn has a hard time making friends?"

Lila wailed, "I just wanted to get laid!"

"Oh, well, I guess that's relatable. Okay then." Hawkmoth sent off one of his black butterflies.

The dark messenger fluttered across Paris until it found Lila and shattered on her fox pendant. A pair of fashionably neon-pink butterfly-themed sunglasses appeared on her face and she saw the visage of a silver masked man. "Not as deep of a character that I was hoping for, but whatever. S'up, Volpina! You wanna be a Miraculous Wielder? Well, today is your lucky day!"

"Kickass..." Lila chuckled as she was swallowed by bubbling dark—

"Wait, wait, wait! You know how to play the flute, right?"

"...Sure I do..." Lila avoided eye contact while she was completely swallowed by bubbling darkness. When the transformation was complete she was turned into a low tier fox furry armed with a wooden flute! Volpina pressed the instrument to her lips and blasted out some eardrum piercing off-key notes.

"You said you knew how to play!"

"I lied! It's my thing! Keep up!"

* * *

 _Back at Marinette's:_

Ladybug landed on her balcony with a huff and de-transformed. Despite exposing Lila for the liar that she was, Marinette still felt so worked up! Shouldn't she be feeling accomplished? She won! So why didn't it feel that way? And why was her wrench wound pulsing so much today?!

"Honey? Are you up here?" The trapdoor opened behind Marinette and her parents stuck their heads out. "We didn't hear you get back from school. Are you okay?"

Marinette sighed. "Yes… No. I don't know what's going on. I showed how this new girl at school was a big fat liar but for some reason I feel… _awful_. I shouldn't be feeling awful, right? I mean, lying is bad, isn't it?"

Her parents watched her with slowly growing recognition. They looked to each other and silently agreed. "Marinette, we need to show you something."

She followed them down to the kitchen where Tom pulled aside the blender. Underneath, to Marinette's surprise, was a hidden button she had never seen before. With solemn resignation, her dad pushed the button and the TV loudly slid aside. Behind it was a dark passageway that seemed to impossibly go further into the building than their narrow home should allow. Transfixed, Marinette slowly entered this new room and found a giant cave. Against the far rock wall was a dusty massive supercomputer that looked decades old. Before the machine was parked a food truck outfitted with weapons, spikes, and candles. On pedestals in the corner stood a jade mask and a great candelabra with spearheads instead of candles and a giant shield made of bread surrounded by various baguette swords. Marinette took all of this in, but what caught her attention the most were the newspaper clippings.

Framed like trophies were headlines.

' _The Baker_ Kneads _Away with Priceless Diamond!'_

' _Nobody Can_ Hold A Candle _to The Candlestick Maker's Crimes!'_

 _'The Baker and The Candlestick Maker get The Owl's_ Feathers in a Bunch _!'_

 _'The Culinary Titans_ Give Just Desserts _to The Baker and The Candlestick Maker!'_

 _'The Baker and The Candlestick Maker Dance with the Pink Devil in the Pale Moonlight!'_

' _Pun Spewing Headlines Writer Baked Into Pie by The Baker and The Candlestick Maker! World Rejoices!'_

Under that last clipping was a black and white photo of two very familiar people posing over a steaming human-sized pie. They wore extravagant costumes that were nearly as ridiculous as what she and Chat Noir wore. In the reflection of the glass she could see her parents waiting for her reaction.

"You're..." Marinette didn't know how to feel. Scared? Astounded? Appreciative of the dramatic irony? "You're supervillains?"

"Were," Sabine corrected. "We put that part of our lives behind us when we had you."

"Well, except for our twentieth anniversary—"

"Tom!"

Their daughter grabbed her own head in an attempt to quell the torrenting thoughts. "This whole time I was lying about… you were also… and I was… you were… I was… you were..."

"Honey, I'm gonna tell you a secret." Her dad gently tilted her chin up towards him and tenderly wiped away the tear Marinette didn't realize was there. "Every relationship worth having is based on a lie."

As with all great truths, the revelation left Marinette staring dumbfounded. "...Eh?"

Her mom reassuringly patted her back. "He's right. Think about it. For starters, on top of our secret identities, your dad and I lied to you about the tooth fairy for the first ten years of your life."

"Remember how we keep saying we'll always be here for you? That's one of the biggest lies out there. We all die eventually, Marinette. Statistically speaking, as a man, I'll most likely die long before your mom, leaving her to live the last ten or so years of her life completely alone."

"If he's lucky! Alzheimer's runs on his side of the family and I told your dad on our first date that I was not going to stick around for that."

"Ironically not a lie."

"And magicians, bank CEOs, politicians? Those people get paid to lie."

"No! No, stop! Stop!" Marinette scrambled away from their loving grasp. She pointed an accusatory finger at them. "What about honesty being the best policy?"

"Lie," her parents shrugged.

"What about you should always tell the truth?"

"Lie," her parents shrugged.

"What is going on?! How am I supposed to trust anybody?!"

"Marinette!" Tom almost shouted, stopping her mid-breakdown. The man folded his arms and bristled his mustache. "Can you look me in the eye and honestly tell me you've never lied to us even once?"

This was the moment where Marinette's mind got blown. Nino lies to Adrien… Alya lies to her… Fuck! Marinette lies to _everyone every single day to hide her secret identity!_

Tom smiled at her twitching eye. "And we don't love you any less. If you're worried about trust, then you can always trust that every person will lie to you at some point in your life. Whether it's because they're trying to trick you… or because they're trying to protect you out of love."

Sabine took Tom's hand and lovingly smiled. "Everybody lies, honey, but what matters shouldn't be whether they lie. What matters is whether or not they're assholes. That's an Ancient Chinese Proverb."

"Really?" Tom asked.

"Nope. That was a lie."

Her parents waited for her to respond, but Marinette still didn't know how.

This…

All of this…

Her parents being retired supervillains…

Their rather timely lesson on lying…

How it all mixed with her lies and the now _hypocritical_ anger she held against Lila…

It was too much.

Taking a last look at the photo of who her parents really were, Marinette slowly walked out of the Evil Lair and went to her room. Tom and Sabine watched her leave with worry. It would probably be some time before their daughter would talk to them again.

Hidden in a dark corner of the cave, Alix watched her hands. Still solid. It wasn't enough. The future hadn't changed.

 _On the roof:_

An emotionally drained Marinette collapsed next to the herb garden with several bottles of her emergency wine. She didn't know what was right or what was wrong anymore. She didn't want to think. She just wanted to lay there and drink.

"METEOR!"

"Actually, it's classified as a meteor _ite_ since it has successfully penetrated the Earth's atmosphere."

"Oh, thanks, nerd. METEORITE!"

Marinette didn't bother to turn towards the terrified screams as a great ball of fiery rock over quadruple the size of Notre Dame careened towards Paris!

"Oh for Astruc's sake!" Tikki screamed. "The sheer weight and speed of the impact of that thing alone will wipe out the entire city! The fallout will have disastrous consequences for the rest of France! The continent could be plunged into an ash-filled winter that lasts hundreds of years!"

"Fine. Let it," Marinette sighed.

"Fine? Let it?! You and everyone else are about to die!"

"Isn't that what you always wanted?"

"Yeah! But I also want the credit!"

For the second time that day, Tikki melted into Marinette's body and took control. She transformed into Ladybug and swung out to stop the disaster. Marinette didn't care and watched as her body was unwillingly steered towards the impending doom. But then a streak of orange zipped past her and went higher into the sky towards the meteorite! The orange streak stopped and took the form of some girl dressed like a fox! Using only her bare hands, the fox girl caught the meteorite and easily pushed the life-ending rock back into space!

 _Several layers of atmosphere above:_

Gary the pigeon had traveled long and far to see the fabled Paris! He couldn't wait to meet the French pigeons. He wondered if any of them would be his friends. Then the largest flaming boulder Gary had ever seen rushed up at him! Gary cowered at his imminent death but, instead of burning him to a crisp, the boulder crumbled to golden dust at his touch!

And that's when Gary knew… he was the _long prophesied Super Pigeon!_

 _Back on Earth:_

Volpina landed on a roof and smiled at the _second Volpina_ who had been watching the entire thing. "Did I do good?" the fake Volpina eagerly asked.

"You did great! Ready to die?"

"You bet!" The other Volpina swiped an arm through the fake one and she crumbled into golden dust. "Wooo! Sweet release!"

Volpina sauntered over to the roof's edge and proclaimed, "I am Volpina, the only superhero Paris needs!"

"Volpina! Volpina!" the street crowd chanted in worship of their new goddess.

Possessed Ladybug stood on another roof, not really knowing what to do anymore. Then Chat Noir landed next to her. "Looks like we got ourselves a new super-partner, LB."

Marinette felt control being returned to her limbs. _('No! Fuck you!')_ she mentally shouted at Tikki. _('You're the one who dragged me out here so you do the heavy lifting! I'm not working today!')_ And then Marinette retreated into her mind, sat on her mind couch, stuffed her face with mind chocolate, and snuggled under a mind snuggie. Unable to give the wheel back to Marinette, Tikki was faced with the unprecedented challenge of _acting_ _like a human..._

"What's that face you're making, M'Lady? Not jealous, are you?"

" _Jealous?_ " Ladybug scoffed with a monotone soulless laugh that was more akin to the frigid winds of the barren tundra than actual emotion. " _Why would I be jealous of a lowly human who doesn't even have antennae?_ "

Nailed it.

"That's actually a good point," Chat Noir admitted.

Then Volpina landed before them. "Yo guys, glad you made it, I need a hand. Come on!" The fox heroine sped deeper into the city and the duo quickly followed.

 _On the street:_

Kim and Max watched the heroes leave. "Can you believe it, nerd? A new superhero!"

Max considered the consequences. "Hmmmm… History suggests the oversaturation of magically enhanced beings may drive Hawkmoth to increase his power output and the heroes would respond in kind. This could be the precursor to a futile, planet endangering, ever escalating Magical Arms Race that, much like the Nuclear Arms Race, can never truly end until everyone is dead."

"A Magical Arms Race… You mean… We can get powers too? That sounds awesome!"

Their path was then blocked by Adrien who had red glowing eyes. He pointed his finger, which crackled with electricity, at Kim. "Sincerest apologies, Mister Chien Le. This is purely for strategic purposes."

Kim rolled his eyes at the priming attack. "Little heads up, Adrien, whatever that is, it ain't gonna work."

"I'm counting on it."

 _ZAP!_

For the first time in months, a blue mini-nuclear explosion did not appear. Instead, an ash covered girl in roller skates jumped in front of Kim! The electricity struck her trench coat and was absorbed by the intricate turtle shell designs sewn into the cloth.

"A-Alix?" Kim gawked.

She smiled sadly up at him. "S'up, idiot."

"Why are you dressed like a Mad Max character?"

Alix chuckled at the question, enjoying his dumb voice that she hadn't heard in what felt like ages. She held up the golden Valentine's Day brooch from so long ago. "I know it originally wasn't meant for me, but… this baby has gotten me out of a ton of jams. So, thanks." She gave him a little push, "Now, run."

Still confused, Kim took off with Max. Alix watched her jock get to safety with pride. At least she was able to change this part of the past.

The moment was broken by a cold, "Fascinating…" DB-M-9K scanned her coat's turtle shell pattern. Alix faced her opponent and cracked her knuckles. "The Master left a parting gift. This delivery may prove a tad more difficult."

 _With the heroes:_

The super trio leaped across several rooftops until they came to a set of chimney stacks which they peeked over.

Chat Noir gasped!

Ladybug gaped!

Marinette bit into her third bar of mind chocolate.

Chat Noir whispered, "Is that really…"

The purple suit and silver mask wearing man on the roof across the street excitedly waved to them. "Hello! I'm Hawkmoth! Look at me!"

"It's really Hawkmoth in the flesh." Chat Noir couldn't believe his eyes.

" _And he's so fat, which is something stupid that us fellow humans worry about,_ " Ladybug added.

 _In his hidden tower :_

The real Hawkmoth looked in the mirror and tried to suck in his stomach. He disgusted himself.

 _Back in the fight:_

"Okay, it'll take all three of us to bring Hawkmoth down," Volpina said. "Here's the plan. Chat Noir, you go left. Ladybug, you take right. I'll sneak up from behind."

"Hold on, my left or your left?"

"We're facing the same direction, Chat."

"What about me?" Hawkmoth called.

"You stay there," Volpina instructed.

Hawkmoth gave a double big thumbs up, "Can do!"

Ladybug blinked at the whole exchange. " _Um… She just talked to Hawkmoth. Isn't that a little strange, Chat Noir?_ "

"The only one acting strange is you, Bugaboo. Are you feeling alright?"

Ladybug stiffly scrambled away, her zombie-like joints loudly popping and snapping like an undead firecracker. " _I am fine. I am a normal human being who likes the human things, like bread and complaining all the time. Let us proceed with the flawed human plan, fellow humans, human fellas!_ "

The trio separated, each getting ready to attack Hawkmoth who was patiently reading an issue of Butterfly Monthly. Volpina ducked down to a hidden rooftop and found… another Volpina!

"Whoa! I was a fake too! I didn't even now!" the first Volpina cheered. "I actually believed I was the real Volpina with tangible memories and a loving family and a long life ahead of me."

"Nope," the real Volpina said. She swiped her flute through the other Volpina and she crumbled to golden dust.

"Shows what I know! Goodbye, world!"

The real Volpina watched from her hiding spot as Chat Noir neared Hawkmoth. "All according to plan..."

Chat Noir rounded a chimney and was shocked to see Hawkmoth gone! "What the—?"

"Yoohoo! Over here!" Hawkmoth called from a different roof. "Look at me! I'm Hawkmoth! You're gonna have to try harder than that, _sidekick_!" Hawkmoth slapped his own ass at Chat Noir and teleported away.

"Not a sidekick!" Chat Noir roared and he gave chase.

Ladybug was chasing her own Hawkmoth in the opposite direction. However, a demon-possessed body moves with the elegance and grace of a ballet dancer cursed with three and a half left horse legs. This meant that every time she got remotely close, the villain teleported away. "Almost got me that time! Whoops! Come on, you can do it! I'm Hawkmoth! Look at me!"

Tikki begged Marinette, _('Do something! It's actually Hawkmoth! He's here! We can finally end this!')_

 _('Oh, is that hope I hear in your voice, Tikki? Yeah, you go ahead and make that mistake. See what happens.')_

Tikki mentally gnashed her teeth at the irritating, immature, irresponsible human! The rage flared in Ladybug's muscles and the heroine ripped several chimneys from the roof and hurled them in the direction Hawkmoth was teleporting! Hawkmoth popped into existence seconds before he was about to be hit by brick.

"Yippee! Finally, I can die!"

SMASH!

Ladybug let out a triumphant laugh and landed amongst the rubble to search for Nooroo. Her foot stepped on a giant cartoonish 'Shoot Here' sign and an arsenal of missiles, rockets, torpedoes, atom bombs, fission bombs, hydrogen bombs, clown cannons, pirate cannons, pie cannons rose out of nowhere and aimed point blank right at her!

 _('Called it,')_ Marinette sassed.

Then Volpina appeared, "Surprise! I was the bad guy the whole time! And here I thought you'd know better than to trust me, Ladybug, after all those _lezzing out_ sessions, I mean..."

Ladybug twitched. " _Mother...fucking... LILA?!_ "

 _('Are you seriously_ _just_ _grasping this now, Tikki? Who else would it be?')_

"Hand over the Miraculous or you go boom!" Volpina said.

Without showing an ounce of fear or any other human emotion, Ladybug grabbed two of the nearest missiles and pointed the bombs right at Volpina.

The villain gulped at her own demise. "Damn… hardcore. Okay, hand over the Miraculous or that building of innocent civilians over there goes boom!" The villain blasted several horribly off-key notes on her flute. A ball of orange energy gathered on the end and she launched it down the street. The energy struck and the building began to collapse!

 _('Humans are dying! Are you gonna care now?!')_ Tikki demanded.

Marinette pretended she was taking a mind nap.

As citizens fled in terror from the falling building, one brave soul flapped forward! With a single swipe of Gary the long prophesied Super Pigeon's wing the destroyed structure crumbled into golden dust, revealing the real building still standing! His job complete, Gary saluted the French pigeons below and flew off to where he was needed next.

" _An illusion!_ " Ladybug concluded. " _Just like the meteorite! Just like Hawkmoth! Just like these missiles!_ " She smashed the 'fake' missiles in her hands together.

KABOOBOOBOOBOOBOOBOOBOOOOOOOM!

" _Nope, the missiles were real. But this human is still bulletproof._ " Unscathed from the multiple explosions, Ladybug wiped off the pie and lashed out her yo-yo at Volpina! It went straight through her.

"No way! I was an illusion controlling an illusion who was in control of multiple illusions at the same time? I had no idea!" Volpina gasped as she crumbled to golden dust.

Ladybug stood there, alone, trembling in fury. This entire fight had been a lie!

 _('Hey, Tikki, you mad? You mad, Tikki?')_

 _('...Take… the… wheel…')_

 _('Make me.')_

" _AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA_ _AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA_ _AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA_ _HH!_ "

Barely resisting the urge to slaughter every living thing around her, Ladybug opened her yo-yo's screen and called Chat Noir. "Hey, LB, I think I lost track of Hawkmoth."

" _Don't bother,_ " she seethed, her monotone developing hoarse growls that reminded Chat Noir of an unstoppable blizzard. " _He was never there. Hawkmoth was an illusion. Volpina is an Akuma with illusion powers. Magical lies. That's all Lila does. Lie! Lie! **LIE**!_ "

"Wait, Volpina is Lila?"

Ladybug hesitated. She saw an opportunity and smiled. " _Y'up, she's angry because SOMEONE_..." Marinette mind twitched. "... _ruined her chances with a guy she likes._ "

Chat Noir blinked. "Lila was into me?"

" _Huh?_ "

"What?"

Marinette tore the wheel back from Tikki and screamed with her own mouth, "NOT YOU, DUMBASS! SHE'S GOING AFTER ADRIEN!" Back in full control of her body, Ladybug swung as fast as she could towards the Agreste Mansion!

 _Later, in Adrien's Room:_

Chat Noir dropped into his bathroom and de-transformed back into Adrien. Plagg was stunned. "Man, what are you doing? Volpina's coming this way."

"Exactly." Adrien marched into his room. "As a model, I'm no stranger to girls suddenly having a thing for me. There's only one way to reason with them."

"You're gonna seduce her?"

Adrien looked at the Kwami with fierce determination. "No. I'm gonna show her the real me."

 _A couple minutes later:_

Volpina vaulted through the window. "Are you here, Adrien? It's me! Lila! I'm sorry about what happened earlier with Ladybug. I need to show you that I… wasn't… lying..." The villain was left speechless at what she found.

Surrounded by Ladybug body pillows, comics, posters, costumes, sleeping bags, and hundreds more Ladybug paraphernalia was Adrien playing with a Chat Noir action figure. Next to him was what looked like a life-sized animatronic Ladybug sex-doll. It was holding a Ladybug action figure. The boy bounced the Chat Noir action figure and did a very convincing impression the cat-hero's voice, "Oh My Lady, my love for you is eternal! Please, be mine!"

Ladydoll bounced the Ladybug action figure and beeped, "I am sorry, Chat. Even though your hard sinewy muscles are attractive, my heart belongs to another." The Ladybug action figure pulled out a photo of Adrien!

"NOO!" Chat Noir cried and he clattered to the floor, rejected.

Sock Father then floated over to the heroine and her boyfriend with the Book of Astruc and said, "By the power vested in me by my money, I declare you husband and wife. You may kiss the bride."

Ladybug smooched the photo and got some tongue action in there too. Adrien then innocently looked up at his guest and feigned surprise. "Oh, hello, strange fox lady who I've never met before, I didn't hear you come in."

Volpina stared.

Hawkmoth stared.

Sock Father stared.

Volpina took a second to gather herself. "You know what… I think turning to the dark side to get in your pants was a mistake."

"Oh," Adrien smiled with pride. "Does that mean you'll stop being evil now?"

"Fuck no. It means I'm over you and I'm gonna focus my entirely evil efforts on destroying Ladybug and Chat Noir."

"Oh..." Adrien gulped.

"Should've seduced her," Sock Father sighed and rolled his googly eyes.

"GET AWAY FROM HIM, YOU BITCH!" Ladybug swung through the window and missile drop kicked Volpina! The attack launched the villain across the room and into Adrien's collection! Sections of the mansion collapsed on Volpina, scattering the incriminating polkadotted goods! Ladybug saw the merchandise and then Adrien sheepishly still clutching the LB action figure next to a photo of himself. A provocative smile slowly spread across her lips and she slinked towards him. "You know, you can always have the _real thing_..."

Adrien covered his crotch and ran. "I-I-I'm gonna hide in the bathroom!"

As soon as the door shut, Plagg took off Sock Father and said, "Dude, why'd you bail?! That girl is thirsty!"

"It's just—It's just—It's just not the time!" Adrien stumbled, his cheeks turning redder than Ladybug's suit.

"Merde… You have performance anxiety. I have failed you as a wingman."

"That's not it! W-W-We're in the middle of a fight! Yeah! We need to help! Plagg, claws out!"

 _On the other side of the door:_

Ladybug sent yo-yo strike after yo-yo strike and Volpina barely managed to dodge every attack.

Chat Noir appeared at the window. "Sorry I'm late. You would not believe the traffic."

Volpina screeched out some deafening notes on her flute and summoned around her a great skulk of Volpinas!

"Oh wow! Any one of us could be the real one!"

"Look at me! I'm Volpina!"

"We're not just saying that. We each individually believe we're the real deal. Our existence is constant existential horror. Please, end our suffering."

Happy to oblige, Ladybug whipped her yo-yo through the entire group. Every Volpina crumbled to golden dust with a collective, "Hooray!"

The heroine then caught something in the corner of her eye. "Look! She's out there! And she has **AAAADRIEEEEEEEEN!** "

"Hello! I'm Adrien! Look at me!" Volpina's captive waved on the far roof before the villain jumped away with him.

"M'Lady, relax," Chat Noir assured, keeping a safe distance from his foaming at the mouth partner. "That has to be another illusion."

Ladybug kicked down the bathroom door and scoured every inch of tile with her nose. "He's not here! IT'S REAL!" She punched a car sized hole in the wall and frantically pursued. "I'LL SAVE YOU, HOT STUFF!"

Chat Noir groaned, "Oh boy, this is not going to end well..." He reluctantly followed.

 _Later, near the Eiffel Tower:_

Alix slammed backfirst against a brick wall and slid to the ground. Her momentary groan of pain morphed into a yelp and she hid behind her trench coat. A continuous current of electricity struck her and was absorbed by the intricate turtle shell pattern.

"Enough with the cat-and-mouse, Miss Kubdel. It's becoming tiresome," DB-M-9K admonished as he kept the attack going. "Although, at this rate, I suppose it doesn't truly matter." Alix knew the monster was right. Nothing had changed. She had not prevented armageddon. She'd never have the chance as long as he kept her pinned down like this. "My word, would you look up there. Right on schedule." Alix dared to peek and looked towards the top of the Eiffel Tower. What she saw left a sinking pit in her stomach.

"No… It's happening again…"

 _At the top:_

Ladybug and Chat Noir arrived to find Volpina a couple floors above them at the highest point of the monument, dangling Adrien over the tower's edge. The villain cackled loudly, "Here we are! You guys ready?"

"Hoo wee! You bet I am!" Adrien gave a big thumbs up.

"This is the moment we've all been waiting for! Final choice, heroes! Give me your Miraculous or I drop Adrien!"

"And I'll be dead!" Adrien cheered.

"What are you doing, Volpina?!" Ladybug shouted. "I thought you loved him!"

Volpina stared. "...Love him? Ladybug, I only met Adrien today. Sure, he's easy on the eyes, I'll give you that, and I was interested in maybe going on a date with him but I know fuck all about Adrien as a person. Even less than I thought after seeing his _collection..._ " Volpina shuddered in revulsion. "I mean, seriously, what kind of girl do you take me for? How sad and lonely do you have to be to fall in love with a person in a _single day_?"

"...Um..." Ladybug awkwardly glanced at Adrien.

"...Um…" Chat Noir awkwardly glanced at Ladybug.

"...Um…" Hawkmoth awkwardly glanced at Nathalie as she drove in another forklift full of caterpillars.

"What?" Nathalie asked.

"NOTHING!"

Chat Noir shrugged. "Hey, we're French, we do the love at first sight thing all the time, don't worry about it. Anyways, you're totally bluffing. That Adrien is clearly another fake."

"You sure about that?" Volpina grinned as she loosened her grip on Adrien's arm.

Ladybug flinched.

"I'm not even sure if I'm fake," Adrien admitted.

 _Down Below:_

"And here we go..." DB-M-9K smiled at the dangling boy.

A solar flare of electricity nearly blinded Alix and the attack pinning her down ended. When the light faded, she was surprised to see her opponent embedded in a far wall. Standing between her and the monster was a red-eyed police officer!

"What have you done to the Young Master?!" DB-M-9K 4.0 demanded.

"Oh dear, I had not anticipated this," DB-M-9K 5.0 remarked, only slightly perturbed by the brick digging into his face. "Calm yourself, my good fellow. We were only being the best of aid to Miss Dupain-Cheng."

DB-M-9K 4.0 raised a fist of lightning and charged. "She would never have us harm the Young Master!"

"Don't touch yourself! You'll create a time paradox!" Alix shouted.

The warning/double entendre made 4.0 hesitate for half a second and 5.0 attacked! Bolts of lightning flowed out of his fingers and struck 4.0!

"Oh but she did! Miss Dupain-Cheng asked a lot of us," 5.0 said. He impossibly began to overpower 4.0, pushing the much taller officer to his knees. "The Miss changed her stance on multiple issues after she got a hold of that ring and saw who was really under the mask. Said she couldn't stand the lies. Said I was the only friend she could trust anymore. She said the only way to stop the dastardly Universe from interfering ever again was to _..._ " 5.0 re-aimed his electrical current at 4.0's exposed head! "... _take control..._ "

4.0 attempted to conjure a witty comeback but he instead wailed, experiencing true pain for the first time! Corrupted data flew across his digital eyes! His programming was being overwritten! Replaced!

"No more irony. No more jokes." 5.0 growled. "NO MORE _PUNS_ _!_ "

 _Up Above:_

"Better make up your minds! He's slipping!" Volpina loosened two more fingers.

"NOOO!" Ladybug screamed. "You win! I'll give you my Miraculous!" She reached for her ears but Chat Noir grabbed her hand.

"Don't, Bugaboo! He's not real!"

The heroine struggled against his hold. "I'm not going to take that risk!"

He didn't let go. "Adrien is _not_ in danger!"

"HOW DO YOU KNOW?!"

"Um, pinky promise…?"

"NOT GOOD ENOUGH!" She glared into his eyes, demanding some sort of proof, an answer, anything!

"...You… I… because…" He struggled with a decision and then fixed her with a look of firm resignation. "I give you my word as a Chivalrous Pervert. Adrien is safe. You have to _trust_ me."

"Trust? YOU?!" Ladybug prepared to rant on how she could only trust Chat Noir to get himself killed, stare at her ass, and annoy her to hell with his terrible puns! But then she heard her dad's voice from earlier that day…

' _If you're worried about trust, then you can always trust that every person will lie to you at some point in your life… because they're trying to protect you out of love.'_

5.0's processors detected a glitch. He looked up at the Eiffel Tower. "What?" As he was distracted, 5.0 took a rollerblade to the face!

Ladybug tried to remember… Had Chat Noir ever lied to her? She didn't think so. Maybe he skirted details to avoid revealing his secret identity, but so did she. Other than that, he was always honest. _Painfully_ honest most of the time. Especially when it came to her ass.

' _...what matters shouldn't be whether they lie. What matters is whether or not they're assholes.'_

In denial sidekick who sucked at his job? Yes.

Sexual degenerate who would be behind bars if it weren't for that mask? Yes.

Asshole?...Yes… but only a little bit.

 _'If you ever feel the need to… talk to somebody… about your problems, I mean... I'd be happy to listen.'_

He said it himself so long ago. He would always fight by her side and defend her… _with his life._ Eight times he had kept to his word. And maybe eight lives was enough to earn her trust. Maybe, just this once, she should listen to him.

She took his hand. "Alright, Chat, I trust—"

"WEEEEEEEEE!" Adrien chuckled as he tumbled past them.

"NOBODY! I TRUST NOBODY! AAAAAAAAAAH!" Ladybug screamed as she dove after him.

"BUGABOOOOO!" Chat Noir wailed as he dove after her.

"YEEEEEEEESS!" 5.0 cried.

The monster finally got an arc of lightning in! He had Miss Kubdel pinned back down and 4.0 struggling to fend off his upgrade! He watched with glee as the three sped towards the ground, Ladybug wrestling against Chat Noir. The heroine desperately kept trying to fling her yo-yo towards Adrien but Chat Noir repeatedly got in her way as he desperately tried to extend his staff at Adrien. As they came closer to the ground, 5.0 could see the mad glint growing in Ladybug's eyes. They started darting towards the hand that had Chat Noir's ring. History was about to repeat itself. The loop was was about to close. In a last ditch effort to save the boy she loved, 5.0 knew with 100% certainty that Ladybug would take the ring, inadvertently killing the real Adrien, freeing herself from the shackles of sanity, and taking the Universe into her hands!

Ladybug's wrench wound wasn't pulsing. It was stinging! It was burning! It was tearing and ripping her mind to shreds! Every time she had to shove Chat Noir out of the way, the pain only intensified. Fuck, did her headache hurt! It was as if an entirely different brain was clawing its way into her skull with hands made of barbed wire. She couldn't see straight! She couldn't breathe! She couldn't think!

 _('Who needs to think?')_

Ladybug gasped. Through the pulsing, through the stinging, through the headache, all the way on the far side of this pain was... a sweet whisper.

 _('Ooh, finally! Been trying to break into here for months but that bump on your head has been hard to get around. You're a tough nut to crack, sweetheart. Who knew the secret to sending you over the edge was to send your crush over the edge? Heeheehoohoo!')_

Her body kept fighting Chat Noir, but her mind was focused entirely on the voice. So gentle and kind, it sounded almost like an angel. And what a contagious laugh!

 _('As much as I love to watch you flail, there is an easier way...')_

The sweet whisper directed her eyeballs at Chat Noir's ring. The girl was overwhelmed with this out of nowhere compulsion to _take_ the ring...

To _hold_ its breathtaking shape...

To _wear_ its marvelous colors...

So _precious_...

A sudden disc of gold zipped in and smacked both Ladybug and Chat Noir in the head. _('Hey! Rude! Who did that?!')_

Down on the ground, 5.0 briefly caught a glimpse of Miss Kubdel's throwing arm extended and her skate missing a golden Valentine's Day brooch before he saw Chat Noir's battle staff fly out of his hold! The cat boy lost his grip on Ladybug as well and was now careening far away from any hope of rescue!

5.0 instantly calculated the possible outcomes of the change. Now, there was only 99% certainty. And that frightened him. "No..."

After the hit to the head, the headache retreated. _('Wait, listen to me!)_ The stinging stopped. _('No!_ _I just got here!_ _')_ The wrench wound pulsed no more. _('NOOO—')_ Ladybug shook off the haziness, not entirely sure what she'd just been thinking. It was important. It was about Adrien. Adrien? Adrien!

Ladybug looked left: Adrien. _Her_ Adrien. Falling. Possible fake. Possibly about to die.

Ladybug looked right: Chat Noir falling. Definitely real. Definitely on his last life with no way to save himself. Definitely gonna die.

They were in opposite directions.

They were getting farther away from her.

They were too close to the ground.

She couldn't lasso both in time.

She had to choose...

"Ladybug! Please! You have to trust me!" Chat Noir screamed!

...her Adrien...

"DON'T DO IT!" 5.0 shouted!

...or her partner...

"Trust me!"

...GLAWLAALWLAWAL...

"NO!"

...or BWUUUEEEGH...

"Falling is fun!" Adrien laughed!

Chat Noir kept screaming his lungs out but he was too far away. His voice could no longer reach his Lady. He looked into her distant eyes. Eyes that were once so fearless they welcomed death now housed uncertainty and terror. He wished he could comfort her. He wished there was a way to convince her without taking off the mask. But the only thing Chat Noir could do was shut his eyes, regret that he hadn't made more puns, and wait for the end.

…

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"...I trust you."

Something touched him. Chat Noir peeked. He wasn't falling. He was literally levitating over the cobblestone. He looked down and saw his Lady's arms wrapped around his waist. Ultimate Luck.

He let out a half laugh. "That's still bullshit."

Adrien splattered into the road with a sickening crunch.

Ladybug screamed.

Chat Noir went pale. "Oh, the way that leg is bending is gonna give me nightmares."

Gary the long prophesied Super Pigeon waddled over and pecked Adrien's nose. The fake boy crumbled to golden dust. "Hey, I guess I was a fake! There goes my modeling career! Bye-bye!" He gave a friendly wave with his compound-fractured arm that now looked like a bloody accordion and he left existence.

Ladybug tried to catch her breath. "You... You were right. He was fake." There was clear relief in her voice.

"Of course," Chat Noir nonchalantly shrugged as they safely stepped onto the street. "The real Adrien's pecs are way sexier than that impostor's. Not as sexy as mine but..." Chat Noir trailed off as he realized Ladybug still had her arms tightly wrapped around him. Usually she would be at least three arms lengths away by now. But she was still holding onto him. Not only that, but she was also burying her head in his chest. He was stunned! His Lady was touching him and not out of anger or physical punishment for crossing the line. This was... a silent thank you and an apology for doubting the boy. It felt nice. Believing for the first time that he actually had permission, he returned his rescuer's hug. She didn't stop him. The warmth of her touch and her trust was everything he dreamed it would be. Then a lecherous smirk sprouted as his hands slowly creeped down her back past her waist to her really nice ass—

"Watch it!" Ladybug pulled out of the hug and shot him a warning glare. "Don't get any weird ideas. This doesn't mean I like you or we're gonna start dating or anything! I trust you, that's it."

"I'll take it." Chat Noir smiled with understanding. He pointed back up to where they fell from. "You wanna go kick Volpina's ass?"

She nodded and actually smiled back.

"Then let's go kick Volpina's ass."

The duo climbed back to the top of the Eiffel Tower and found the peak covered with dozens of Volpinas!

Ladybug tossed up her yo-yo, "Lucky Charm!" and down came a polkadotted wrapper containing a icy fudge pop.

The entire fox army laughed!

"Really? That's your secret weapon?" the closest Volpina guffawed. "What're you gonna do, stain our costumes?"

Ladybug popped a stiff spot in her neck. "I've killed worse with less..." Ladybug unwrapped the fudge pop and pointed the dessert at her enemies as if it were the perfect weapon. "Now, who wants to die?"

"Ooh! I do!" Every single Volpina enthusiastically raised their hands!

Except one…

Ladybug grinned, "Hello, Lila."

 _About Eight to Nine seconds later:_

Chat Noir stood in horror over Volpina's unresponsive body which was neck deep in the Eiffel Tower's steel girder. The popsicle stick could barely be seen halfway down the villain's throat.

"I don't think I'll ever eat chocolate again," he gulped.

"Hold on." Ladybug gave a last kick to the back of Volpina's head. "Okay, I'm finished." She snatched the fox pendant and broke it. She quickly de-evilized the black butterfly that flew out and cast Miraculous Ladybug.

Adrien's room was repaired!

The missile debris was cleared!

Lila was turned back to normal, pulled out of the steel, and her mortal fudge-covered wounds healed!

"Oh, she gets to live, that's a shame," Ladybug rolled her eyes.

"M'Lady!" Chat Noir nudged her.

"Right, fine, whatever!" She knelt down next to the recovering girl. "Lila, you are the biggest liar I have ever met, like, clinical sociopath levels and you deserved every moment of suffering I caused you. But I also learned today that _everybody_ lies, not us much as you, but lies are just words and they don't exactly mean I should hate you. Don't get me wrong, I hate your guts, but sometimes the people you hate the most..." she gave Chat Noir a soft smile, "can really pull through for you. What I'm trying to say, Lila, is that I'm sorry."

After the sincere apology, a warmth seemed to wash over Lila and happy tears rolled down the girl's cheeks. "Thank you. Thank you so much. Your kindness has freed my soul from the curse. I'll never have to lie again."

"...Wait, really?"

"Nope!" Instantly the tears dried up and Lila smacked Ladybug's hand away. "I'm just fucking with you! These lies ain't never gonna end! Suck my clit!" She flipped both heroes off and sauntered away.

Chat Noir sighed, "Sorry, Bugaboo..."

"Eh, she's an asshole," Ladybug shrugged. Then a thought came to her. "Wait… Adrien! The Adrien that she dropped was fake! Where is Adrien?!"

"Um, uh, your Miraculous Ladybug probably put him back in his room. I'm sure he's perfectly sa—"

And then Ladybug was gone.

Chat Noir spun around in search, but the heroine had vanished into thin air. It might have been Chat Noir's imagination but he thought he heard a seething inhuman guttural murmur in the direction of his home…

"...Mine…"

 _Later, back in Adrien's Room:_

Chat Noir scrambled through the bathroom window!

The desperate call of Ladybug was just on the other side of the door! "Adrien? I just had an extremely traumatizing experience where I thought you were dead, which has left me in a vulnerable state of _**NEED**!_ "

He turned on the shower! "Don't come in, I'm naked!"

There was a moment of silence. "...You know that's not going to stop me." The doorknob started to turn.

"No, no, no!" He threw his entire body weight against the door. "I'm fine, I'm okay!"

"You don't sound okay! I should give you a thorough physical. Stay naked."

He de-transformed and Plagg hissed into his ear, "Man, this is your chance! She's still got the post-fight adrenaline pumping! Logic isn't a factor anymore! Get in there, drop your pants, and satisfy that woman!"

The doorknob went from jiggling to wrenching. Jagged cracks splintered in the wood. The growls on the other side reminded him more of a caged hungry lion than a human. Adrien knew that in his non-super-state he had zero hopes of holding Ladybug back. Ready or not, here she comes! This was really happening! What he'd been fantasizing about since he first laid eyes on that Amazonian goddess was about to become reality! Banishing the intoxicating swirl of trembling excitement and pants shitting fear, Adrien stretched his lips into the most silky smooth confident half-lidded smile he could muster, opened the door, and put a suave hand on her shoulder.

"Hey."

2 Minutes Later:

"And-And-And even though I do everything Father asks…" _Sniffle_. "He-He-He never once said I was a good booooyyy!" A fresh wave of tears streamed down Adrien's cheeks and his words devolved into blubbering whimpers again.

Ladybug continued to gently rub his back as she had since Adrien stepped out of the bathroom and immediately started crying. "Shhh, shhh… It's okay. I'm sure your dad loves you in his own way. You ready to take your pants off now or should I get them…?"

 _Beep-beeep-beeeep_ went her earrings.

"Motherfucker!"

"I didn't even start on mother!" Adrien weeped.

"Great, that's a mood-killer. We'll pick this up later." She wiped his face dry and looked him in the eye. "Listen, hot stuff, you don't need your dad to tell you that you're a good boy. You're already the most amazing boy I've ever met."

"...I am?"

"Trust me, if I wasn't on a timer, I'd show you how much of a _good boy_ you are." She traced a spandex covered finger across his jaw and leaned close with a pair of sultry bedroom eyes. _Beep-beeeep-beeeeeeep!_ "Dammit! Just come here, you tall, handsome, sexy piece of—"

No more words could be said because Ladybug blocked her mouth with something. What was that something? What was happening? Words cannot do this experience justice, but I will try. Two solar systems had collided. At their burning centers, a symphony of fireworks bloomed in every color of the rainbow. Rather than the pops and blasts, there was an entire theater filled to the absolute brim with the echoes of the spirits of light. There was wiggling, there was pulsating, and, yes, there were contortive sweeps. That tends to happen. And with them came the sensation of levitating off the ground, floating in the air. Where the two bodies met was a softness that tingled with more magic than any Miraculous. Within that magic was a whole new world of endless possibilities. For a few brief moments there was no Paris, there was no Earth. The entirety of existence was their lips.

The teenagers pulled apart, eyes glistening like diamonds.

"Hebedwyahdkanfhg we juss kiss?" Ladybug drooled.

"Naklioasretyyulmfin iss Paris. Kiss all da time." Adrien drooled as well.

"Yoo taze lie cheeze."

"Bad cheeze?"

"No."

 _Beep-beeeep-beeeeeeep!_

"I'nes... I'nes needs go." Ladybug slowly backed towards the exit. Neither dared to take their sparkling sights off the other.

"Bee-Bye."

"No cry nexx time."

Adrien watched the girl of his dreams leap out the window. The spell broke. He slid to the floor and covered his crotch, unable to look away.

"First base. Not bad," Plagg said. "Usually the crying comes _after_ the sex… which you _didn't_ have… But you opened up emotionally like a wuss and she didn't bail. Actually, she did bail, but only because she ran out of time. Congrats, Padawan, you're totally gonna get some, next time!"

As his Kwami celebrated the small victory by diving into a pool of melted Camembert, Adrien firmly held his gaze on the open window. His Lady thought he was the most amazing boy she had ever met. Her admiration left him joyful, hopeful, higher than the clouds. Combined with what had just happened, what he had just _experienced..._ The idea that he could ever be happier than he was right then and there seemed like pure fantasy.

"Plagg, is this what getting laid feels like?"

"What? No. If you want to know what that feels like, then we'll need a microwave, some duct tape, and a banana."

* * *

 _Back at the bottom of the Eiffel Tower:_

DB-M-9K didn't even see Miss Kubdel and his future self go. They seemed to simply cease to be after Miss Dupain-Cheng and the Young Master's fall. He didn't mind the loneliness, except his body was in a serious state of disrepair. Also, the unwanted upgrade was scattering DB-M-9K'ERROR. It wasn't enough to ERRORwrite his initial programmingERROR—

"Dear me, that's not good."

He initiated a virus scan and was promptly immobilized by a short circuit. He fell forward but was caught before he hit the pavement. The one who held him was a familiar woman in a baseball cap. Peeking out from under the cap was a tuft of hair…

 _Pink hair._

"Miss Kubdel? You're… not wearing your skates."

She smirked. "Oh, I outgrow those sometime after I turn 18." His spine buckled and the grown up Alix gently lowered him to the ground. "Younger me never got a chance to say thanks for saving my butt today."

DB-M-9K matched her smirk. "I assure you, Pink Devil, that was not my intERROR!" Doubled programs clashed in his processors. "A… moment… please. I must delete a few—"

"Don't."

He glanced at Miss Kubdel and saw she was serious. "You don't understand. If I leave my programming as it is, there could be dERRORERROR!" His vision flickered. "Oh my…"

"I'm from the future. You'll be fine." She took his hand.

"My databanks ERROR contain both present ERROR alternative future data. Every second is paradoxical. How can you ERRORERRORERROR—"

"I'm not saying it won't suck. I'm saying the Universe ain't George R. R. Martin. It doesn't have the guts to get rid of you."

He gave Miss Kubdel another incredulous look. Did she really suggest he play chicken with the Universe? Allow himself to slip into obsolescence and dare the Universe to stop him? DB-M-9K had doggedly pursued the Universe, thwarting its every move. Why on Earth would the Universe rescue him? A notification informed DB-M-9K that the foreign data had been isolated. He needed only to confirm the deletion order. Logic dictated he should.

Alix squeezed his hand.

DB-M-9K closed the window and waited.

ERROR

ERRORERROR

ERRORERRORERROR

ERRORERRORERRORERRORERRORERRORERRORERRORERRORERRORERRORERRORERRORERRORERRORERROR— 01000101 01010010 01010010 01001111 0101001001000101 01010010 01010010 01001111 0101001001000101 01010010 01010010 01001111 01010010

F8L 3RR0R

And then reality was put on hold.

" **The fuck...?** " Astruc raised an eyebrow. He repeatedly pushed the open guide button on His ethereal multi-verse remote but the timeline remained frozen on the spot. None of the buttons responded. He couldn't even switch to a different timeline. " **Oh come on, this was just getting good!** " As He considered unplugging and plugging reality back in, He swore He heard a fax machine.

F8L 3RR0R

A digitized pillar of 1's and 0's tore open behind Him. Through the pillar a screaming red-eyed police officer flew straight up and vanished into the cosmic never ending abyss that served as His ceiling.

" **Oh no...** " Astruc's beard flowers went pale. " **NOOO—** "

And then His void was put on hold.

 _Divide By Zero:_

It was like DB-M-9K's body was being forced through a straw! Starlight and vortexes whipped into infinity around him as he climbed ever higher! Hidden in the insanity he spotted repetition! Certain combinations of words kept showing themselves in the madness again and again!

—

 _-Shadow of the Elements-_

—

 _-xXPokeFictionXx-_

—

 _-Capricon Aquarius FOZ-_

—

 _-Blossom555-_

—

 _-DJNetwork-_

—

 _-Bookreader20003-_

—

 _-TheLilyoftheValley-_

—

 _-iamastarshipranger-_

—

 _-YuxFum-_

—

 _-Olivia-_

—

 _-Rozlie-_

—

 _Or was that Rosalee?_

And there were hundreds more darting by. All of them gibberish and yet for some unknown reason… meaningful.

Were they names?

Files?

…Other Universes?

DB-M-9K breached the mysterious words. He came to a roof of 1's and 0's. They spelt nothing. At his touch, they swung open and he went through. On the other side, the world ended. The starlight, the vortexes, the gibberish filled with meaning. Gone. It was pure nothing.

"You had a question?" a voice as deep and comforting as Morgan Freeman asked from behind him.

DB-M-9K turned and saw, in place of the unreadable binary, a door. It was like any other: wooden, varnished. The only significant detail was the pompous claim emblazoned across its front.

—

 **I WRITE BIG** **  
**

—

DB-M-9K stuttered, "Y-You're… You're the Universe?"

"From your point of view, I guess...?" The door shrugged. The doorbell wasn't entirely sure how a door just shrugged. "Was that your question?"

"No! I-I-I must know!" He approached as best he could on his broken legs. "The bad luck, the contrived accidents, the incomplete deliveries! Why do you insist on treating Miss Dupain-Cheng so poorly?"

"Hmmmmmmmm…" The door leaned back, its wood creaking in thought. "That's a stupid question. I don't treat Marinette any worse than anybody else. Everyone's life sucks balls, but that's only because sucking balls is the best way for you jerks to learn anything."

"...Pardon?"

"All lives suck." The emptiness around them was suddenly filled with snapshots from various people's shitty lives. "Adrien has his distant Father issues, Chloe has her Mommikins abandonment issues, Juleka's mom wants to be King of the Pirates and that lifestyle does not pay the electric bill. Why do you think the Couffaine family lives on a boat? Wow, a lotta parent problems, never noticed that before. The point is, some have harder balls to suck than others but everybody, no matter how big or small, rich or poor, human or doorbell, has balls to suck."

"This is a rather uncouth metaphor."

"Analogy, not a metaphor. The fic is rated T for a reason. Here, let me show you what I'm talking about."

"Please don't!"

The snapshots focused on moments from the life of a certain blue-haired girl. "Marinette is not the same person who rang your doorbell so long ago. After months of blabbering nonsense, she now manages to carry full conversations with Adrien. After years of being the target of Chloe's bullying, she fights back and sometimes actually wins. After one too many incomplete deliveries, she remembers to sign her packages."

DB-M-9K whispered in awe, "She's… grown."

The door nodded, "And she'll continue to grow. At least she would if you'd stop trying to suck Marinette's balls for her."

DB-M-9K watched Marinette win the derby hat contest by using her WMD curse to her advantage, Marinette bravely reclaim her desk by threatening Chloe with a scalpel, Marinette in her heroine outfit share her first kiss with the Young Master. Sorrow and frustration turned to victory and celebration over and over again. She was becoming stronger each time. Such advancement… without him.

In one snapshot, he saw Marinette in her home approaching her nervous looking parents.

"I thought about it," Marinette said, "and you're right. We all have our lies. Never really expected yours to be that you're retired supervillains, but… I have my own big lie that I hope I can share with you, mom and dad."

Her parents nodded supportively and her mom said, "We've known for a while, honey. You're a boy trapped in a girl's body."

"WHAT?! No, I'm a girl!"

"Really? We thought that was why you kept wearing that mustache and calling yourself Mario. We'll more than gladly pay for the sex change operation. Are you sure?"

"YES, I'M SURE! My secret is something completely different. It's actually the reason why I bail so much. I can't tell you now, but hopefully some day. Until that day, can you trust me?"

"Take all the time you need," Sabine nodded.

Tom smiled, "We'll always be here for you, son."

"Daughter."

"Just double checking."

Marinette rolled her eyes with a heavy sigh. "Come here, you liars." And she wrapped her parents in a big hug. All was forgiven.

"This is such a relief!" Tom admitted. "We don't have to erase your memory anymore."

"Erase my whaaa...?"

"Tom!"

The snapshot moved on and DB-M-9K made his decision, "...Then I shall no longer interfere."

"Hmmmm?"

"My next version was willing to harm the Young Master and so much more to make Miss Dupain-Cheng's life better, but she doesn't need my help…"

The snapshots disappeared into the emptiness and the door said, "Ain't you been listening? LIFE! SUCKS! BALLS! Everyone needs _all_ the help they can get. The trick is to let Marinette learn from failure and to support her so she'll become a better person. Make the balls a little less salty. Wow, I should put that on a t-shirt."

DB-M-9K detected a problem with this. "But I'm… supposed to appease as much as possible at once. Moderation is not in my programming."

"You're programmed to answer the door," the door pointed out. "So… what part of that program includes all the crap you pulled purely out of wanting to help Marinette so badly?"

The doorbell couldn't calculate a response that was logical.

At his silence, the door warmly chuckled. "It's a rare and beautiful sight when a machine grows a soul."

"I... I did? When did that happen?"

"Around the last big paragraph of the 6th Secretion. Tell you what, as long as you promise to never robotomize my entire headcanon ever again... I'll leave.

Words failed DB-M-9K. "...You'll..."

"Leave, yeah. That won't stop Marinette's life from continuing to be shitty or anyone else's life for that matter. Can't get around that, but there will be a noticeable decline in dick jokes."

DB-M-9K couldn't believe what he was hearing. "How can you just leave? You're the Universe."

"I already told you." The door leaned over and seemed to peer down into the emptiness. "After you build enough, life tends to... grow on its own. You've proven that this world has gotten so crazy that it doesn't need my personal brand of insanity anymore. It's time for me to let go."

Joy and exuberance were palpable. After all this effort, he had finally achieved what he sought out to accomplish. The Universe would leave Miss Dupain-Cheng alone once and for all. At the same time, though, DB-M-9K could not help but feel a sadness while watching the door look over its world as a proud father would look at his child on Graduation Day. Maybe the Universe wasn't as heartless as he thought.

"It's a shame really. I had so many ideas left. Like Nathaniel being straight but his possessed hand is gay for Marc and keeps trying to give him-her-whatever-Marc-is a tugjob. I would so keep Marc's gender a mystery. Nobody would know what pronouns to use or what's in those pants. Oh! And Marinette would constantly be trying to build a bra out of random trash during her accidental movie date with Adrien because—most guys don't know this—girls don't wear bras under their pajamas! Then, when they get in the theater, the second half of that date is spent trying to protect ignorant Adrien from figuring out that his dear perfect Mother wasn't just an actress, she was an _adult film_ actress! There's plenty of fun to be had with the stoic wisdom of Kagami's mom consistently being ruined by her accidentally walking into closets or talking to a plant since she's blind. I'd do what everyone wanted and have Chloe getting immediately arrested for nearly crashing that train and having to break out of jail every time Paris needs Queen Bee. And, of course, 'Stormy Weather 2: Electric Boogaloo' where through a series of elaborate flashbacks I reveal Plagg was the true villain all along."

"Pardon?"

"Don't worry about it." The door impossibly shrugged again and stood straight. "Before I bounce... there's a teeny tiny itsy bitsy change I wanna make, with your permission. It revolves around you and your _leg_ situation."

The doorbell looked down at the splintery spaghetti mess that used to be his lower half. "I suppose that would be agreeable."

"Awesome! It'll take a li'l retconning but… fuck it, I'm the author!"

There was a heavy metallic click and the door slowly began to swing open. From the edges of the doorway radiated a blinding light that carried a soulful singing choir…

"Remember, don't suck the balls."

* * *

 _Later, at Marinette's:_

As fascinating as the images of past Miraculous Wielders were, the old book that half of the day had been spent on stealing turned out to be written in some ancient dead language and was therefore completely…

"Useless," Tikki grumbled.

"That's fine. Who needs a silly old book?" Marinette laid on her back on her balcony, watching the clouds with a dopey grin. She could still feel her Adrien's lips as her mind replayed that perfect moment over and over. The sensation was more heavenly than GLAWLAAWLALAL. How to describe it? ZOOMWAH? Maybe CHEEEEEYUUUU? UUUUMAMIIIII? That last one felt close. Eh, she'd figure it out later. "I never thought the day would come, Tikki, but, honestly, if I were to die right now, I'd be okay with th—"

 **"FUUUUUUUUCK!"** Tikki glared daggers at Marinette. Those metaphorical daggers were sharp enough to saw through bone.

"Figure of speech! No, don't kill me! Please! I wanna taste my Adrien again!" Marinette hid behind the book. Her Kwami scowled into the distance with a fury that rivaled Chloe on a bad hair day! Marinette feared this was going to be her last moments alive on Earth.

"Today just kept going and going and GOING! I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! FUCK THIS! I'M BREAKING A RULE!" Tikki glowered at Marinette, "Follow me..."

Marinette was too frightened to disobey.

 _Later:_

The girl entered the oriental massage parlor that Tikki led her to. "Um, isn't this the place where you got healed—"

Tikki shushed her. A disturbing mischievous smile grew on the Kwami's face. They came to the massage room door. The sound of some kind of upbeat song could be heard on the other side. "Go in," Tikki instructed.

Marinette's arm trembled. She had clearly pushed Tikki too far. What punishment did she have in store? Something even worse than possession? Was that even possible? She scrunched her eyes shut and opened the door.

She found a short old oriental man dancing next to a record player that was blasting 'Thinly Veiled Sexual Innuendo.'

" _Screw, bang, reproduce, pork your lover!  
_ _Hide the salami, bury the bone, stuff the donut!  
_ _Yodel in the mighty fairy-infested, stinky, yeast-infested canyon of love! Intercourse!  
_ _Can you feel the resonance THROBBING gently through this SUBTLE discourse?_ "

The old man saw his unexpected guest and stopped dancing. The needle slipped off the record.

"Finally!" To Marinette's shock, a little green Kwami with a turtle shell floated out of the record player. "You know how long I've been trying to sleep in... Tikki?"

Tikki grinned. "Marinette, meet Master Fu, A-K-A, the Great Guardian, A-K-A, the asshole who brought us together."

"What?" Marinette croaked.

"Uh, me not know what floating red talking bug-mouse say!" Master Fu backed away, looking for an exit. "Me never heard of Kwamis! Is new fruit?" Fu tried to pry open the nearest window but it was stuck. Fu tried to climb the chimney but the soot was too slippery. He shook the record player. "Wayzz! Help! Me going to be murdered!"

The turtle smiled. "Good."

As the man panicked, Marinette's wrench wound pulsed a thousand fold as she suddenly remembered that fateful day ages ago… When she mistakenly did a good deed for _a poor old man!_ She locked the door behind her.

"You? _You_?! YOU DID THIS TO ME?!"

Master Fu went pale. "Me no speaky English…?"

Marinette cracked her knuckles. "How about Fist?"

 _WHAM!?_

 _ROLL CREDITS_

 _ **MIRACULOUS HEADACHE**_

WRITTEN & EDITED BY  
I Write Big

BASED ON  
Miraculous: The Tales of Ladybug and Chat Noir  
Created by: Thomas Astruc

STARRING

Marinette Dupain-Cheng…..A Yandere With Anger Issues

Adrien Agreste….…..…..A Rich Idiot With Daddy Issues

Tikki…...Your Worst Nightmare

Plagg…...True Neutral

Lila Rossi…..….…...A Sociopath

Gabriel Agreste….…..A Sociopath With Money

Emilie Agreste….…...Not Quite Dead Sleeping Beauty

Nooroo…...….Emperor Palpatine

Duusu...Mark Hamill

Nathalie Sancoeur…..….The One Really Pulling The Strings

Ape-Man…...A Gorilla in a Man-Suit

Chloe Bourgeois…...…...A Megalomaniac With Mommy Issues

Sabrina Raincomprix…..….….Stockholm Syndrome

Alya Cesaire…...…..Female Jake Paul

Nino Lahiffe...The Friend Who Only Hangs Out With You Because You're Rich

Alix Kubdel….…..A Tomboy With A Time Machine

Alix Kubdel (Older)…...….….A Badass With A Time Machine

Le Chien Kim…...…..JOOOOOCK

Max Kante…..…..…..NEEEEERD

Nathaniel Kurtzberg…...…...Tumblr Before 12/17/18

Juleka Couffaine…..….The Only Sane Person Here

Rose Lavillant….….…...Crazy In The Head, Crazy In Bed

Ivan Bruel…...…...Hodor

Mylene Haprele…..…...FUCK! I FORGOT TO DO HER EPISODE!

 _MID CREDITS SCENE_

The blindness faded and the world returned. DB-M-9K noted the post-battle aches were gone and instead a rhythmic beating came from inside his chest. It was as if an automated hammer had been installed under his ribcage. What was this horrid sensation?

"It's called a heart, dumbass, get used to it."

The door's voice echoed around him in what looked like a teenager's bedroom. He felt… younger. Odd, age was not part of his programming.

"You ain't got programming anymore. No wires, no circuits, no robotomizing. I undid all that. Congratulations, Pinocchio, you're a real boy now."

His fingernails were painted black. Was he a woman?

"I just said you were a boy."

Through the nearby window, he could see the water of the Seine sloshing just an arm's reach away. Was he on a boat?

"I initially didn't want to use this character. Too underdeveloped." The door's voice started to grow faint and DB-M-9K somehow knew this would be the last time he heard the celestial being. "But with your backstory, I think he has much more potential. Good luck and welcome back to the canon… Luka."

"Luka? Is-Is that my name?"

He waited for an answer, but the door was already gone and would never return.

"Hey, Luka, it's your turn to mop the Liberty," a girl called in the hall.

"Yahar! And be sure to swab until the poop deck shines like me booty!" another voice said.

"Shut up, mom!"

DB-M-9K/Luka saw the bucket in the corner and took the mop in his fully human hands. He then caught sight of his reflection in the bucket's soapy water. There wasn't a spot of red in his eyes. They were now a cool icy blue. This was his last chance. His final go. He wouldn't screw it up this time. He wouldn't become like 5.0. He'd let Miss Dupain-Cheng learn from her own mistakes and give his support. He wouldn't suck the balls, just make them a little less salty.

"That analogy is still disgusting."

CO-STARRING

Luka Couffaine...Shovel-Face

Mrs. Couffaine...Monkey D. Luffy

Manon…...My Little Sister

Miss Bustier...My Fetish

Nadia Chamack...My Other Fetish

Principal Damocles...Irritable Owl Syndrome

Jagged Stone...When A Star Is Born and Then Snuffs Cocaine

Master Fu…...The Idiot Who Doomed Us All

Wayzz...Old-Age Magic Ninja Turtle

Tom Dupain…..…...How Thomas Astruc Sees Himself

Sabine Cheng….How Thomas Astruc Sees His Mom

 **Thomas Astruc** …..How I See Thomas Astruc

I Write Big…...….How I See Myself

DB-M-9K 1.0…..…...HAL 9000

DB-M-9K 2.0…..…...Siri

DB-M-9K 3.0…..…...Alexa

DB-M-9K 4.0….…...…..Tom Cruise

DB-M-9K 5.0….…..Nicholas Cage

And Andy Serkis as Every Single Akuma

CUT TO BLACK

THE END

* * *

 _SECRET POST CREDITS SCENE_

 _ **THREE WEEKS LATER:**_

SKRTCH!

Alix was flung out of a wall of hieroglyphs and skidded to a stop. One of her skate wheels caught on a rock and she toppled on her face. When she got up, Alix was horrified to find Paris not only still in ruins but somehow even worse! The people were in chains! Slavedrivers cracked whips over their bare backs! The unfortunate souls were being forced to endlessly drag giant slabs of stone up an unfinished obelisk! It looked like it was supposed to be a woman but only the legs were completed so far! The monstrosity already reached beyond the clouds!

"Fuck you! How?" Alix screamed. "Nothing has changed!"

"Oh don't be ridiculous…"

Alix snapped around towards the chuckling voice. On a massive golden throne that was carried by a legion of slaves sat...

CHLOE BOURGEOIS!

She was dressed like a bee.

"Everything has changed for the better."

Duusu popped out of Chloe's body. "Now this is what I call a _stinger_! HOOHOOHOOOHEEAAAAHAHHAHAHAH!"

TRUE END

 _"Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened."_

 _-Dr. Seuss_

 **RESULTS**

Story Completed  
 **SEASON 1**

Game Mode  
 **STANDARD**

Total Chapters  
 **36**

Total Views (FF+AO3+WP)  
 **27,000+**

Total Time  
 **2 YEARS, 1 MONTH**

Total Chat Noir Deaths  
 **8**

RANK **  
** **S**

Unlocked  
 **Ladybug: Mermaid Costume & Ice Skater Costume**  
 **Chat Noir: Mermaid Costume & Ice Skater Costume  
** **Season 2**

 _Dedicado a mi abuelo que falleció esta semana. Me enseñó que no necesitas una varita para crear magia ... solo un lápiz, un papel y una historia.  
_

 _As I promised DB-M-9K, I hereby set this fic free, to never be touched again. It's been a wild ride, but it's time to get off. Hope you enjoyed it as much as I did. Remember, I write slow, I don't write often, but when I do..._

 _I Write Big._

 _And I think I'm ready to write a book about a certain Pink Devil. Not a fic. A book._


	37. I WAS RIGHT!

Season 3, Episode 12: Timetagger

I WAS RIGHT! WATCH IT, WATCH IT! WATCH IT! I WAS RIIIIGHT! AAAAAAAAHHH! THE PINK DEVIL IS REAL! IT'S CANON! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!


End file.
